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Why Change Feels So Painful | Healing, Growth & Letting Go With Pearl Botts
18 Plays4 days ago
Change is terrifying — but staying the same hurts more. Pearl Botts joins me for a conversation about healing, reinvention, creativity, faith, burnout, relationships, emotional growth, and trusting life when everything feels uncertain. If you’re navigating transformation, this episode will resonate.
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Transcript
Introduction of Guest and Theme
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to Connected with Iva. Today's guest is Pearl Botts, creator, personality and rising voice online, known for her unapologetic honesty, sharp humor and raw conversations about mortal life.
Reflections on Life's Unpredictability and Trust
00:00:15
Speaker
I feel like there's so much in life we want to control right in terms of outcomes or everything. The most random things happen that show you that actually you just need to trust.
00:00:27
Speaker
Things happen when they're when they're supposed to happen, when you're ready for them to happen, when it's the timing for them to happen. Yes.
Balancing Control and Natural Flow
00:00:37
Speaker
the kind of duality of really having no control, but then also being someone who has high agency, like somebody who does go after the things that they want and like creates the life that they want.
00:00:52
Speaker
It's this like opposing thing that seems like it shouldn't work, right? Because you can't be like fully passive and fully like just allowing life to take you wherever you want.
00:01:03
Speaker
You can actually. I think actually most people probably do, right? We're all just like running on programming, but also you can't control everything either. So really being in that middle balance is something I really strive to do.
Surfing Metaphor for Life Control
00:01:18
Speaker
And I feel like all of life for me so far has been learning what are the things that I can go for and the things that I actually do have um the ability to change and then what are the things that I'm trying to control that don't and i I really do think that I've never surfed I think I've surfed like maybe once even though I've lived by the ocean my whole life but I'm just like not I'm not a surfer girl at all I'm such a city girl but I do think that like the analogy of surfing makes sense to me like
00:01:48
Speaker
oh, I can become a really skilled surfer, right? Like I can learn about the ocean and I can like view the ocean and like the wave patterns and I can learn how to like pop on my board and I can get out there and put in the reps.
00:02:02
Speaker
But like I can't control the ocean. Like I can't control what it does each and every day. I can't control whether it's like good surf or not good surf.
Instincts on Control and Letting Go
00:02:09
Speaker
But I do have a lot of control.
00:02:13
Speaker
We have it switched, I think. We're trying to control things that we can't, and we're not controlling enough the things that we can. Like our response, our perspectives, where our energy goes, you know, putting our energy on the story that we tell ourselves. And yeah, so I think that the intuition but basically needs to be flipped. Whatever you want to control, let go. And whatever you want to just like happen to you, take control.
00:02:39
Speaker
it It's so
Quick Responses and Control
00:02:41
Speaker
true. Like today, i got a message that was quite ah reactive, as in not the message, I reacted to it.
00:02:50
Speaker
And then I immediately wanted like a result from the message, and there was no result. And I started is like, oh, wait, I got the message, I don't have a result from the message.
00:03:02
Speaker
Like...
00:03:04
Speaker
And it's like, okay. I was immediately like, okay, I can see what's happening, right? I'm going like 300 miles an hour. you can't actually do anything. And like you were saying, we should control what we have control of. And that's our reaction. It's so interesting because you're like, oh, yes, and I'm so aware. And then something happens and you're like, oh. And then you're very aware about how you're reacting to it.
00:03:29
Speaker
Yeah.
Personal Transformation and Resistance to Change
00:03:30
Speaker
and That's something very like interesting about you know about life and transformation. Because when you're transforming, sometimes you're expecting to almost not have these slip-ups to be kind of close to perfect. And actually, that's never going to be possible, right?
00:03:49
Speaker
Because there's no such thing. Transformation has been like the ugliest, messiest, most painful, most horrifying, most violent experience of my life. Like, I'm just like, this is literally horrible.
00:04:07
Speaker
You know, like when you watch a movie, like, i don't know, Beauty and the Beast or whatever. And when the beast is transforming into the prince, it's like, and then it's over. and then it's over I'm like, bro, that is not how life is. Like the part where he's like half animal, half human, that's like most of it.
00:04:27
Speaker
Most of it is like the ugly, horrible part, honestly. And I think that that's why, i don't know, like i get why people don't want to change. I get why people stay stuck in their same loops because the alternative is really, really,
00:04:46
Speaker
painful,
Navigating Expectations and Discomfort
00:04:47
Speaker
honestly. And I watch a lot of like spiritual psychology, like, you know, mindset stuff, coaching stuff. Like that's a lot of my algorithm. And i get it how like with short form, you know, you're not really telling the whole story because by nature it's short form. But the language of like easy, i understand it. Right. And I don't think that we should be like speaking into existence, like that life has to be this like really hard, hard thing.
00:05:13
Speaker
And at the same time, i think it is good to like set our expectations for like, if you really want a different life than the one that you have, and like you want to change yourself, like getting yourself out of a loop and into ah a new generative loop, like out of a toxic loop and into a generative loop.
00:05:30
Speaker
it's really, really, really horrible because you're putting in a lot of work and you don't feel different at all. And now all of your favorite things that used to give you so much comfort aren't comforting anymore and you have nothing to comfort you.
00:05:42
Speaker
So it's just like so much discomfort. It's so much discomfort. Like, Changing your body, changing your spirituality, leaving, you know, so family systems or like what your family expects of you or creating more financial abundance. Like all of those things are, it's honestly so it's hard.
Loss in Personal Growth
00:06:01
Speaker
It's hard. I'm not afraid to say that it's hard. Also, like you mentioned, actually, it's hard because you realize that sometimes you can't have the same people around you that you had before or even family. It's almost like your relationship with them might change.
00:06:16
Speaker
If your understanding of the world changes and there doesn't and you want to keep that relationship, right, because it's still family, it will be very different. And you'll have to adjust and people will not understand What you do at all.
00:06:31
Speaker
yeah i think like the loss of relationships has been the hardest part you know and i think sometimes when i share stuff like that online like i just talked about this like the other day like i just did like a random piece of content and somebody was like are you taking responsibility because people don't just leave your life like that unless you're like a toxic person or whatever and i get what they're saying and i do think that there's some merit to being like oh wow like i have a pattern if you have a pattern of like people leading your life then yeah, there is something to look at.
00:07:01
Speaker
But I think there's a difference between people falling off because like you're evolving and you're like becoming more of who you're supposed to be. If I'm like, oh, I'm actually not going to
Motivation through Desire and Lack
00:07:11
Speaker
you know be less intelligent around you or less deep or like bring up topics that I want to talk about because it makes you feel uncomfortable or whatever, it's fine, but like we're not the right fit.
00:07:24
Speaker
And I personally haven't had to like cut off too many people. like People just kind of don't want to hang out anymore. you know But it it is hard.
00:07:35
Speaker
It's not like you don't love them you know or like you don't have good feelings towards them. But I heard somebody say on a podcast recently, like you can't climb with people who won't dig. you know Being able to be surrounded by people who are looking inward and then also letting that awareness and those insights like move out into their real reality and change what they actually do. Like there's a greater population of people doing that because like we have more time to like think and you know more people are going to therapy and we're all like doing the work and everything but
00:08:07
Speaker
Yeah, definitely not everybody. Not everybody's doing that. And what set you up on your journey? What was the factor, if there was one factor that was like, you know, i need to start doing this. I need to like really... I'm not exactly sure if there was like...
00:08:24
Speaker
a moment but I think what always propels me towards change is like pain I'm just like I don't want this situation the pain of feeling like for instance like content creation has been a big one for me the pain of feeling like you have something important to share or that you have the capacity to to be more than you are or the pain that You're at a job that you hate and you want different opportunities, better opportunities, creative opportunities to come to you. you know You want all these things and you see all these people online like living these incredible lives.
00:08:58
Speaker
And it's like, well, why can't I have that? you know And it's like feeling the lack and feeling the desire to want it. And it's like, I can either numb myself to my pain by using substances.
00:09:10
Speaker
I can either stop wanting it or pretend that I don't want it. Or I can allow the the lack and the discomfort to like push me forward and and to go and get it. And so I think like desire and lack, like those two things are like tied together, you know?
00:09:26
Speaker
um I don't think it's good to have like a lack mindset and to always be focusing on what you don't have. But it's good to recognize that you want something because you don't have it and to let that desire push you forward.
00:09:38
Speaker
So I think that's always really
Recognizing and Working Within Limits
00:09:40
Speaker
been what it is. You know, like I feel like I have inner chaos. How do I get more peace? You know, I feel like I don't have the financial stability or abundance that I want. How do I get more of it? You know, so it's just like I think it's that for me.
00:09:54
Speaker
I like that. And it's quite an interesting way to look at things because sometimes when people think of lack, it's very much a negative connotation with it. I feel it in my bones that I don't have something. So basically the result will be more of, I don't have this, right?
00:10:10
Speaker
I feel like this is more of an acknowledging, yeah, I don't have something, but I want it. And maybe there isn't too much negativity around it because You're more so, oh, I like this. I want to have this.
00:10:23
Speaker
Please, can I have this? Thank you. And I think that's what allows transformation to happen as well. Because if you you go to the supermarket, right? And the what the world is like a supermarket.
00:10:35
Speaker
You might think you have forgotten your credit card or something, but actually realize you can literally have everything you want. And it's like, I don't know, you have a loyalty card or something, and then you have like a million points on it. So you can literally just have anything you want. That's a supermarket association.
00:10:54
Speaker
I like that analogy. And I think that like, I'm kind of in a place right now where instead of like, trying to pretend that I don't have limits, I'm almost like interfacing with my limits differently and trying to Enjoy them even, you know, and learn to play the game, right? Because if I have a credit card at a supermarket, that's limitless.
00:11:19
Speaker
What's limitless about my credit card is like, I might have a cap at like $10,000 where somebody else might have a cap at $50,000. And I'm like, I also can work to become somebody who has more and more credit to spend, you know, but it's okay that I only have 10K on it to spend. The limitless part of it is me, right? Like I can become somebody who creates more. not It's not that I pretend that I have $50,000 on my credit card when I literally don't. You know what I mean?
00:11:52
Speaker
And limitations, one of my favorite spiritual teachers online, her name is Mami Onami, she says, limits create style. When there's so much, when you have access to everything, when you have no limits, your creativity is actually not as good.
00:12:05
Speaker
like Working within what you have and then growing and like pushing out for more is is a part of the
Connecting with Self and God through Rituals
00:12:12
Speaker
game. How do you connect to your deepest self? you know like Basically to what your soul desires and what's home like what's home for you?
00:12:21
Speaker
What's allowed me to connect to that Which I honestly, i i call I call it God, you know? I think that God is such like a gloated term, right? And it's obviously like very religious. I am not a religious person, but I like a lot about and have learned a lot about how to live my life through religion. Like what I like about it is even like specifically like Catholic or like Orthodox religions. Like I grew up Christian, like evangelical Christian. And there was like a lot of um criticism towards Catholicism or like more like liturgical styles of church because of like how rote it was, right? It's like, oh, people don't really like connect personally. You're just like going through the motions. You're not doing anything.
00:13:07
Speaker
And I get that criticism of it. But I also think that there's something really beautiful about like the repetitive nature of just like doing something over and over and over again. And when you have a connection to the to the repetition, i think it does kind of usher God down.
00:13:23
Speaker
My ability to like to connect to that piece of me, like the core, the divine, the source, I think has like shifted throughout the years. like When I was younger and in church and like under my family, like it was reading the Bible every day and and journaling.
00:13:37
Speaker
And then as I like grew, it it like changed. And I would say now, honestly, it's a few different things. It's like managing my mental health is like a part of it.
Nature and Life's Cycles
00:13:49
Speaker
If I don't wake up and get in my body... and do something like physical and if I stay too much in my mind if I'm like like thinking too much then I get distracted with that and it actually doesn't allow me to hear from the divine so I have to get into my body so like honestly yoga has been super important to me because it's something that I'm like is challenging, but also doesn't demand that I have to like be more flexible than I am. Like I could just be as flexible and as strong as I am in the moment. And as I practice it daily, day after day, day after day, i do see like my, my capacities growing and, but there's, there's no pressure around it, you know? And so that's like been a part of how I feel like I connect. And then also just having like systems in place,
00:14:39
Speaker
in my life where I'm doing the work that I know I'm called to do. So there's like bro culture around like deep work, like monk mode, like get your work done, right? Like there's that attitude around it.
00:14:51
Speaker
But for me, I'm like, that's how I usher God down into my life is that I'm making time and space for my creative projects, for the things that I want to build, for like digital products that I want to build, for content creation that I want to make. Like if I just haphazardly like do content like on the sides whenever I have time, then I'm treating it like a not very important relationship, right? Like a friend who I don't, who I'm like, I'll get to you when I can.
00:15:16
Speaker
But if it's really like central to my life, if it's a really important relationship, I put it first. And I find that when I create a schedule around that, I actually feel more connected to God because I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. you know I'm not saying, oh, I'll do that and you know next weekend or whatever. So like in one way, it's discipline. And then in another way, it's devotion. In another way, it's like saying yes to God and what God has for me for that day, which is sometimes something really boring. Like,
00:15:46
Speaker
editing or like picking a font or like something like that but to me it's sacred it's it's spiritual it's not something that's just like work that i have to do it's it's like the same thing as like putting incense in a ah thing and like letting it burn like it's it's physical it's spiritual it's sacred like it's all of it so i think literally working like like working is how i connect to god and yoga and feeding myself well and working out taking walks like things like that for me it's also like being in nature is so big like everything green right now that summer is coming it's just so much green and it's so peaceful and the birds chirping it kind of like puts you back into the moment right because you're like listening and observing what's in front of you
00:16:38
Speaker
Even just to see like trees be like, oh, wow, like that tree looks barren, like there's nothing on it at all. But like in a few months, I know there's going to be like a ton of fruit on it, you know, and it's like it's weird to expect a lemon tree to be having fruit all year round.
00:16:55
Speaker
If I wouldn't expect that of a tree, why would I expect that of myself? you know like I can't expect myself to be blooming all year long. It's not natural. It's not normal. That's such a cool point actually you're making.
00:17:07
Speaker
And also around cycles and things like that, hormones. You just don't perform the same way throughout the month or throughout the year.
Balancing Personal Cycles with Work and Rest
00:17:17
Speaker
give yourself room to breathe there because you're like you know let's i need to work like at the moment it's so nice and sunny and it hasn't been like that for a while so i'm like you know i just don't know work today i just want to enjoy the sun you know have like an april spritz and be in the sun and i don't want to work today and that's fine yeah
00:17:39
Speaker
You kind of like beat yourself up for not being super high-performance, right? Or not doing as much as you think you should be.
00:17:50
Speaker
i had an an episode about that around Christmas because December for me is like Christmas month. I just want to do everything Christmassy. That's like my priority number one around December.
00:18:02
Speaker
And I'm just like, I just want to enjoy like all the Christmas markets and all the pubs with warm wine and, well, mulled wine. and Yeah, so I just want to do that. and it's like It kind of changes your perspective when you just let yourself be sometimes.
00:18:18
Speaker
I think there's a verse in the Bible that says, like I think it's Ecclesiastes. It's like a time for everything. There's a time to sleep and a time to be awake, a time to be merry, a time to be sad, a time to drink, a try a time to abstain.
00:18:33
Speaker
And really only the individual knows when that's time. you know Only you can know, am I not pushing myself because I'm being lazy or I'm avoiding the work that I need to do and I'm just kind of... you know avoiding it because it's hard?
00:18:49
Speaker
Or have I been pushing hard for a really long time? And if I keep pushing, I'm going to push myself to the point where I can't anymore. And I need to take a break, right? Like really only the person knows that. And so you know People can tell you like, oh, you're not being balanced enough. You're not working hard enough. But if you're in a season where it's like, that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to lock in. You're trying to move your life forward in a very specific way and you're willing to do the sacrifice.
00:19:14
Speaker
Then yeah, then ignore that. But then there are times where it's like, girl, like you're literally what you're moving from a place of fear. Like there's nothing to fear, you know, like you should probably drink some wine and like go take a nap. Like, you know, like I definitely think that different seasons call for different things. Like I'm definitely a time where I'm not trying to rest.
00:19:39
Speaker
Of course, like I need not, I get enough sleep, but like in general, the vibe is like, I'm trying to create something new. So I have, I know that I have to sacrifice and I know it won't last forever. Like I have a hard end date, July 1st, like, okay, re-evaluate what I did, how it was, if it worked. But yeah. And there have been other times where it's like, yeah, it's like a
Social Health and Personal Values
00:20:01
Speaker
fruitful time. So, you know, it's really important that you spend time with family and be be with your friends and, you know,
00:20:10
Speaker
Like having a social life, social health is a thing too. It's not just financial health. It's not just physical health. It's like social health needs to be healthy. We need to be around people. Someone said you need eight hugs a day. Oh, wow. To function.
00:20:25
Speaker
I definitely don't get eight hugs a day. I know. it's i I don't have one hug a day. Unfortunately. I start walking up and down the street with that the posters, be like, free hugs. Yeah. Oh, God.
00:20:40
Speaker
it's like, I'm joking, but actually you realize how deprived people are of, like, physical connection with with another human being. And even with people, like, You know, like my grandmother, for example, when it comes to physical show of affection. And when I hug her, she gets so confused.
00:20:58
Speaker
And she loves me a lot. And I'm like, okay, if you don't like it, this hug is for me. I'm doing it because i i want the dopamine, right?
00:21:10
Speaker
I'm just getting some dopamine here. Don't mind me. But yeah, it's like physical, and not just physical, like you know speaking to people, being in like a community, being around friends.
00:21:23
Speaker
All of these kinds of things are so important. And like you say, we should make time for them. Sometimes there's this question, like, Do I need to do that? Do I want to do that? Like, do I want to go out, for example, like to drink? Maybe not so much.
00:21:38
Speaker
But, you know, do I want to do this other thing? Yeah, for sure. Priorities really shift when you start realizing what's important for you. What kind of life do you want to have, right?
00:21:49
Speaker
And like what's amazing about the times we live in is like everybody gets to pick what they want. like I totally understand that not everybody wants to build a social media following. Not everybody wants to like create wealth. like not everybody wants like what What someone's rich life is looks totally different from one person to the other. and so...
00:22:12
Speaker
yeah Everyone can just do whatever they want, but you know living according to your values is still something that's um not easy to do right because everything requires
Living According to Core Values
00:22:22
Speaker
sacrifice. everything like Being a good mom, I'm sure that requires a ton of sacrifice you know and also a lot of boundaries too I had a realization, i forget when it was, like one or two years ago, where my values kind of revealed themselves to me.
00:22:38
Speaker
so my values are freedom. That's kind of like the mother value. Freedom, peace, joy, creativity, beauty, and impact.
00:22:49
Speaker
Those are my six values. So I would say that like everything that I do somehow fits in with that category. And yeah, freedom is definitely like the one that's being emphasized now, like freedom in every way, every way, financially, mentally, spiritually, physically, relationally. Like if there isn't freedom, then to me, that's not a life worth living.
00:23:12
Speaker
You included creativity there, which is amazing and because I'm only in a way recently discovering the physical benefits of being creative as in how it's incredibly, incredibly beneficial to your health, longevity. You know, there's like therapy, like creative therapy where you like, you're you know drawing or doing things like that because it's so incredibly important and something that we don't necessarily prioritize enough I'm thinking of myself like when it comes to drawing I did that only when I was like really really down like last year i was like pulled instinctively towards drawing these doodles on the wall are from that experience yeah
00:24:03
Speaker
So it's just like, okay, I just need to do it and I don't need to be good at it. It's not something I ever need to think about professionally. It's something that I need to do in this moment to like release whatever's going on. and And kind of since then as well, I realized how important it is because in the past I had this one thing thing where I would try to make everything it couldn't be a hobby anything i I did couldn't be a hobby it had to become a professional thing like I had to earn money from it right which kind of kills the joy of everything you do it does yeah
00:24:40
Speaker
So now I'm allowing myself to have hobbies. Yeah, I had
Joy in Non-financial Hobbies
00:24:47
Speaker
a similar thing. It wasn't creative per se, but it was similar in the sense that it was something that I would never be able to monetize.
00:24:54
Speaker
But I started playing ping pong last year and It was so random. I was living in LA and i just like looked up if there were like classes somewhere that I could take. And it just happened to be this like, you know, LA, like similar to London, right? It's like, there's just like, it's like a, it's a hub for like the best in the world.
00:25:14
Speaker
And so it was just like one of the legends, like one of the ping pong legends who was doing all of the ah consulting on like Marty Supreme the and then like all the ping pong movies basically.
00:25:27
Speaker
She teaches these group classes and one-on-one classes and like she has like a whole ping pong thing. Like it was like 10 minutes from me. So i went every Saturday to go play ping pong, coach Wei, Wang Wei, love her. And so it was literally so fun. Like I said, I got to be like in my body. i got to like meet people who I would have never met in any other circumstance. Like I got to see myself get better at something I had literally no natural talent at at all. Like i'm I'm pretty like naturally gifted at like the kind of creative side of things, but like the kind of athletic stuff, I'm not gifted in.
00:26:02
Speaker
But I can still get a lot better by just doing it. To me, it was so fun. and like Marty Supreme came out while like we were all like while I was really in it.
00:26:12
Speaker
and you know a regular there and we got to go to a ah the premiere one of the premieres and it was like a whole theater that was just like for us and everybody there was one of her ping pong students and like she got to introduce it and we all watched it together and like it was so it was such a special fun moment but yeah it was really nice to do something that I was like there's no way i will ever be able to make one penny off of this and I'm just doing it for fun, for fun, for fun. So yeah, I loved it.
00:26:46
Speaker
You discover some incredible things that way, I find, if you open yourself up to not having expectations.
Coping with Loss and Hope for Renewal
00:26:55
Speaker
Because expectations, like if you go with it into things with expectations, you've created the narrative, you've written the story, and then there's no creativity. You're not acting from a place of openness.
00:27:11
Speaker
Yeah, having just that willingness to see where things go and to be in the moment, to enjoy the moment. like It's such a practice. I think doing hobbies is a way that we can flex the muscle of being open-handed with life, right? like When tragedy hits, when things happen that you don't expect, I think that practicing ping pong every Saturday allowed me to feel more at peace when i lost my job. So I lost my job at the beginning of this year. And that it's one of the reasons I moved out of LA.
00:27:47
Speaker
And then i lost my relationship with my sister. i was going through a breakup. I lost like a friendship, like a lot of things like kind of happened that were really hard to navigate.
00:27:58
Speaker
But, you know, while it was happening, I think I was just, you know, really open and saying, I guess my this is what I need in this moment. This is what my soul needs.
00:28:09
Speaker
And my life is making space and making room for what's next. And I'm like, I've been asking for this next level this whole year. And then everything got taken away. and it's like, of course, of course, that's what happens. Because for your new life to happen, like you can't have all the, you can't have everything in your old apartment and then have a whole completely new apartment full of new things. Like you have to get rid of what's in there.
00:28:31
Speaker
You want a new table, you can't have your old table. So honestly, like things that are fun, like hobbies, And like practicing that, like life isn't supposed to go a specific way.
00:28:42
Speaker
Things aren't supposed to turn out the way that you needed to happen. Right. Like if I wasn't able to like win the ping pong tournament by the end of the year, it wasn't worth it. Like, no, it's it's for fun to see where it goes.
00:28:54
Speaker
And same thing with life. Like it allows you to be like, OK, so these like seemingly bad things happen. Is it bad or am I just seeing where it goes? You know, I don't know.
00:29:04
Speaker
Maybe I lost all these things because there's something better that's coming. Like that's really the only perspective that I feel like is going to be helping me. And that's the one that I choose to have, you know, even if like the replacements haven't come immediately. Right. Like sometimes you're like sitting in an empty apartment and you're like lying on the cold floor and you're just like,
00:29:27
Speaker
My old bed was kind of nice. Like, yeah, it was like kind of had some springs in my back and i was kind of like not the best night of sleep, but it was better than this cold floor. But it's like in those moments, you're you're trusting that you're like, no, my my my king bed is coming with the memory foam. Like, that's what I really want. That's what's coming. And I'm I'm OK with sleeping on the cold floor because I know that better is coming.
00:29:50
Speaker
I was just thinking about this as well, because sometimes, you know, when you get no's from life, you're like, okay, so I will trust this
Trusting Life's Process Through Change
00:30:00
Speaker
process, right? But like, you don't see the yes, you might not see the yes for a while. And also, the yes might not be anything you have thought it would be. Knowing or having a picture of what your your life will look like. It's not always necessarily how it's going to turn out, because You don't always know what's best for you.
00:30:19
Speaker
As in, you know what you want, but realistically, how can you even know what what that will look like because you're not there yet? So again, coming back to the beginning, there's that trust that's required.
00:30:32
Speaker
A lot of trust. Kind of like when you were saying you got that text message and it like you had a response to it. It's like, I feel in the same way, like this past year and even kind of like currently what I'm, you know, like building it back up from like all the loss.
00:30:48
Speaker
It's just been, you know, testing all of the things that I know to be true. You know, trusting the process, having faith that things are working out for your good, even though they they look like they're not. Like having the perspective of like, just because I feel bad doesn't mean it is bad.
00:31:03
Speaker
And, yeah, it's kind of like it's embodying all of these lessons that I feel like I've learned over the past year and have been, you know, tested in in small ways. But definitely, I feel like a lot of a lot of things have been like more solidified and like really in my body and in my life rather than in my head. And I i just feel like this past couple years have been like just taking all the lessons from here and just a putting them, putting them in my mouth, putting them in my heart, putting them in my body, like.
00:31:33
Speaker
really knowing them, like knowing them in a real way, not just being able to talk about it, but to be able to like not say anything and for my life to look like I know that I have faith that things will work out. You know, I know that I trust that things are always working out for my good. I don't care what it looks like to other people. I care more about what it feels like to me. You know, people are like, oh, how are you not?
00:31:56
Speaker
Aren't you worried about this? Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, no I'm not. I'm not worried about it. This is so a question that I'm now asking people that I'm quite fond of.
00:32:06
Speaker
What does change feel like to you Hell on earth. It feels really bad. Okay, no, this is what change actually feels like to me. This is a um something that I got from dialectical behavioral therapy. I used to work at an eating disorder treatment center for a while, and so you know You're working with people who are going through really, really deep-seated and hard, like kind of like the worst experiences that anyone can go through. And it's coming out and these behaviors that are very damaging to like your your mind and your body. and it's like
00:32:40
Speaker
Anyone who's ever struggled with an eating disorder, which almost everyone like almost every girl and probably more men than we realize... have struggled with, it's so, so impossibly hard to change your behavior. like To go from an eating disorder to like eating normally and liking your body, it feels like you're literally in the pit of hell and you're sitting in fire and you know you're burning alive. But the only way out is a metal ladder that's conducting heat.
00:33:06
Speaker
And every time you try to climb out of the ladder, you're burning your hands and like blistering your hands all the way out. But that's the only way out. The only way out of hell is misery.
00:33:18
Speaker
And expecting that, like it it actually makes it worth doing because you're like, yes, like this is hurting me, but it's because it's going to heal me at some point. you know like I'm doing this work because...
00:33:33
Speaker
It's more painful because it's uncomfortable, it's unfamiliar, but I'd rather do what's unfamiliar and painful than stay in my familiar hell. If I do this, I'll actually be able to heal at some point.
00:33:44
Speaker
So that's really what change feels like. it's not It's literally the least fun thing you could ever do. But then when you're on the other side of it, then you get the rewards, then you get the benefits of being able to eat normally and have less food noise or being able to have the money you want or the relationship that you want or connection to God that you that you've always wanted, right? Like the path out of hell is misery. and It is. I could feel that.
00:34:08
Speaker
a very visual person. So that that was like a painful visualization. I think it's my new favorite question though for me change is something that I'm only becoming comfortable with as a phrase before I was quite terrified of it and it makes sense it's terrifying it is being terrified is the correct response
00:34:32
Speaker
and still we can do it right