Transcript
Speaker: I have a very special guest today, Irena Tyshyna, two times award-winning intergenerational behavioral analyst, creator the CODA-GENE Methodology, and specialist in cognitive genetics.
Speaker: And before we started recording, you shared this beautiful quote with me that I'd like to share with everyone as well. Happiness is a correct use of life.
Speaker: What does that mean to you? What does that mean to you? I've never heard of this before, before you mentioned it to me. And it's like, there what I instinctively thought was,
Speaker: We all want to be happy, right? And like sometimes we chase happiness as a feeling rather than realizing that we are not in a state where we can allow happiness or experience happiness because of trauma or conditioning. So we're not in a place where we can authentically allow that into our experience.
Speaker: So look deep into yourself and see, can you actually allow happiness in. That's a really interesting interpretation as well. To me, out of the, let's say the entire sentence and happiness is such a popular word, isn't it? Everybody talks about happiness, everybody talks about being happy, feeling happy, arriving to the spot and the place of happiness.
Speaker: um To me personally, the key word in that sentence, and by the way, that's a quote of the founder of um the original founder of the method and a scientist and a doctor in physics and psychology who actually studied genetics. And that's something that he ah said about the method and about the purpose of developing that method, um Dr. Tewicz.
Speaker: And to me, the key word in that sentence is use. This is not, happiness is not a feeling. Happiness is not something that is sort of passively coming and washes over you and then goes away and then we can't catch it or then we have to catch it. It's not it's not a ah it's not a sensation. It's a it's an actionable use of life and the choices and the opportunities and the circumstances that have been placed on your plate.
Speaker: because everybody understands happiness their own way, right? It's a very individual discussion. And I often jokingly you say that, you know, happiness is just overrated, this idea of being happy, because again, happiness is a feeling.
Speaker: just like any feeling. You feel hungry, then you feel tired, then you feel sleepy, then you feel ticklish. Feelings come and go.
Speaker: ah But this sense of using your life and having agency in that sense and making the most of life.
Speaker: And that's what people call fulfillment. That's what people call contentment. That's what people call purpose, because these are the words that they imply an active participation in life, not just sitting on the edge of the cliff and feeling, waiting for the happiness to come and you know enlighten enlighten you. So to me, this is this this quote,
Speaker: I often have to remind myself, especially when I'm not feeling happy, that happiness is not a feeling, it's a use of life. And it's also a really good indication when you're not feeling there when you're not feeling 100% whether that's at work, whether that's in a relationship, but whether you just maybe just woke up one day and just go, not today.
Speaker: What use can you apply? even if it's just one foot in front of another sometimes, to make that day a happy day for you.
Speaker: Before, i would always chase an experience that would make me happy, right? Like you were saying, a feeling. And so many people do that. So you would want to have a career that would make you happy, or you'd want to have a relationship that would make you happy, and only then you're happy. Or you want to travel somewhere.
Speaker: And I know I'll be happy there because I'm not happy here. because um there's a lot of this thing where people exist in the pursuit of happiness and feeling and then you kind of end up wasting your entire life in that and obviously you can never be happy because it's always something else well there's so a feeling exactly feelings are designed to come and go away it's just like chasing the waves in the at the ocean. It's one of those sort of futile exercises. I don't believe that anybody ever arrived at that point of feeling happy, but feeling the this sense of participating in happiness is something that gives the sense of active agency in life. So life automatically stops being passive,
Speaker: waiting for other things to happen, other people to come and rescue, other circumstances to you know change your experiences or your interpretation of experiences, but actually wake up and go, okay, well, what is my agency in this? what what can i How can I make useful this situation, this day, experience, etc., etc.?
Speaker: So what prompted the CODA-GENE methodology and how does it relate to you know what we're talking about? oh Well, before the CODA-GENE methodology was Coda and then there was Gene. There are names.
Speaker: One is a music term. And that's the nod to my first degree because I have a master's in music and I studied 17 years and graduated as a conductor. and everything to this day, everything I know about life in terms of the sort of the shape of it, the understanding, the conducting and orchestration of life and and your story and your future is
Speaker: all of that knowledge came from music. The other degree and the other passion turned profession of mine comes from the ah human behavior, from the genetic aspect of understanding why certain experiences happen to certain people and don't happen to somebody else.
Speaker: So again, that individual approach to life, to stop blaming the circumstances and again, start finding what agency can be applied in a ah person's individual story. i think that's very, very important. Again,
Speaker: to remind yourself that you always have an opportunity to act upon something rather than sit and feel helpless. Because that's what I think the majority of people struggle and suffer and have painful experiences when they feel helpless.
Speaker: in life If you listen to the podcasts or read books on trauma, the actual trauma, whether that's kind of intergenerational trauma or just just something that happened to you, doesn't have to be like anything major. it's not the experience, because people are normally very resilient. We as individual children are very resilient, but it's that sense of helplessness in the situation where it felt that there was nothing that can be done and there was nothing that you can do. You just sat in that pain. And that's effectively how any trauma, any memory, any sort of haunted experience that happened to anyone, that's where it originates from, is that sense of helplessness. When you flip that idea and that concept on its head and you go, well, actually, through action, through agency, through um engagement,
Speaker: comes that sense of, okay, I can do something, I can contribute, I can make an impact. You may not necessarily be happy as a sort of your ideal ah picture or kind of this sort of a Disney painting of what happiness looks like, but you will feel less in pain simply because the feeling of being able to do something and the feeling of agency was still within within an individual person.
Speaker: That idea of intergenerational trauma and trauma basically that you don't have access to in terms of knowledge. So it's not like, oh yeah, because my mom was screaming at me. No, it goes deeper, right? So it goes through generations and you can't really have an awareness of where the your problems maybe come from because you need to really go and work with someone and get access to that information.
Speaker: You said when my mum was screaming. Mum was screaming is is not the trauma, it's the consequence of something else. It's the consequence of a different feeling.
Speaker: you know whether that's connected with pain, whether that's connected with fear. That's what we carry within ourselves genetically. We carry certain predisposition to interpreting events certain way and we keep those past memories that may not necessarily happen in your lifetime because the reason And it's sort of become more and more mainstream now. you know, everybody seemed to have a therapist or somebody that they've at least spoke to once to discuss things, you know, ka ka you have counseling at school, etc., etc.
Speaker: But the classic sort of therapy only touches on the the stages of childhood, for example, right? You know, do you remember what happened to you? Oh, I remember this happened. do i remember that happened. Nobody actually goes further down underneath looking at the actual root that was, you know the foundations that were laid down before you were even born.
Speaker: what happened during pregnancy when your mom carried you, the experiences, the feelings that she had, including even the the news when she found out that she was about to have a baby. All of that has a huge impact on the the future ah's say predisposition.
Speaker: right you know We all have this sort of programming that fine-tunes and focuses the lens on certain experiences that we will be directed towards. This is not a point of determinism. This is not a blame game. It's like, oh, now I understand. Now...
Speaker: I didn't know who to blame before, now it's definitely my mother or, oh, it's the dad, I knew it was always going to be him. The purpose of understanding this and the purpose of understanding this on the deeper level, and we're looking at genetic experiences and the genetic memories that go down to,
Speaker: Four generations. I've been to some conferences and some seminars where they say, it's not actually four, it's seven. Somebody somebody mentioned 13.
Speaker: Whatever it is, it's a long, long, long time of layered experiences that seem to have a certain common thread in each of the families.
Speaker: There's a reason why people go, well, you know, in our family, there's always some trouble, financial trouble, or ah in our family, you know, nobody seemed to be happy in the relationship or there's genetically inherited physical conditions.
Speaker: This is really beautiful example of showing how we as a baby, right, that when the baby is born, it has predispositions to certain physical conditions or illnesses, but they only develop later.
Speaker: And the reason they develop later is because a child who has this sort of loaded gun by way of carrying these genetics, right, as the as the seeds that haven't been planted yet, then is born into the family.
Speaker: The family has a certain way of living life, the certain belief systems. A child is exposed to certain experiences, right? When, when you know he or she is able to witness firsthand, okay, so this is what life looks like. This is what life sounds like. This is the interpretation of my family. This is what they say. Ah, this is this is what the world is.
Speaker: And so that becomes the perfect storm where you have the seed of predisposition and you have the perfect soil, the perfect ground for planting that seed. And then After a certain point, you start having, you know, that there's ah there's a number of genetic sort of genetically inherited diseases that now the you know classic sort of medical doctors just go, oh, okay, well, it runs in the family. you know, the genetic cancer, the genetic poor eyesight, um I don't know, kidney situations or thyroid or issues with the immune system. All of that is effectively the perfect storm, a combination of understanding
Speaker: what I was born with, as in what were the predispositions, and also what I contributed by creating the perfect environment for these conditions to flourish, to take root, to to start growing. The same thing applies. The reason is called mental genetics or cognitive genetics.
Speaker: is with our bodies we can see, right? We can see, we we have machines, we can we can get the the the full diagnostics. With the mind, it's more complicated because you are, unless you're going through this sort of MRI scans and neuroscience, which is now a fairly young, let's say, subcategory of of studying human biology and and and genetics, we...
Speaker: haven't had an opportunity to explore that because we have to rely on people's interpretation of what happened. When I have clients coming through my door and my at my practice, it's a form of talking therapy. So there's a lot there's a lot of, well, this is what happened and this or these these are the family legends, right? I was told my grandmother had this experience or I was told my granddad was in the war or you know whatever happened.
Speaker: And then we, just like forensics, arrive at the crime scene and then go, okay, well, I can see this, the shard of glass. I can see the scuffs there. I can see this sort of, you know. we put together a picture and it's not always in line with what the family has been convincingly so telling, you know, the this these sort of stories to the next generation. When we examine all of that and and then we put together a genogram, which is effectively this family tree type map where we can easily trace
Speaker: the origin of a certain deviation, right, from the pf from from happiness. The survival behind it, because every painful experience needs to be explained somehow, you know, because
Speaker: if your husband just left you, it doesn't really explain anything. But if you say, well, but my husband left me because all men are evil.
Speaker: like, yeah, that makes sense. And I'm going to say that to my daughter and my daughter is going to say that to her daughter. And and we're going to protect ourselves from further pain through having that conclusion in our family about men or women.
Speaker: It's trying to unwind the clock, unwind the, do you see how I, It's that genetic spiral, but you're sort of going literally anti-clockwise, just going down and getting to the point where you go, okay, this is where it all started. This is where the deviation happened. And now we have an understanding.
Speaker: Now we have a new interpretation. And now we have a solution to how to rewrite your past and therefore you can rewrite your future because with new understanding, you're attracting different people, you attract different situations. You're able to, you're no longer using the bricks of the past to build a house of the future because you're able to bring in a completely different material and design your own perfect temple of happiness.
Speaker: It's funny because in my own family, there is one belief that it is, i would say the strongest of the all negative beliefs and it's unlucky.
Speaker: Unlucky. ah Oh, yes. There's maybe something cultural there because Eastern European background, you know, you do have quite a lot of negative negative thinking there and like lack of agency. But in my family, it's like we are unlucky.
Speaker: We are unlucky. we What I don't even know what I want because I'm unlucky. So why would you even think about that? Because I'm unlucky. And that's that's what you hear. And that's how people behave. And that's how people relate to you through their misery. Yeah, well, exactly shared misery, yeah friend friends with misery. this This is all too familiar to me. I i grew up with ah you know with my mom. my mom That was her mantra.
Speaker: To the point where it wasn't it wasn't observational. It was like an active search for more evidence to basically say, you see, I told you I was unlikely.
Speaker: You see, I knew that on the airplane, they would run out of juice as they would just come come to me. I told you that I can. So it became a lifelong pursuit of further evidence to show, to prove, and therefore to exempt yourself from any responsibility for the future architecture of your life because it's like, well well, you can't blame me and you can't ask me for any responsibility because that was just the cards I was dealt. And I was just, I'm sitting here and i suffer proudly. And um there is an element of vanity in this because there's a, there's a lot of people that actually, their pain and suffering is so deeply attached to their identity.
Speaker: that trying to explain that they don't have to be suffering and in pain would literally mean the death of who they believe they are at their core.
Speaker: And so with with every new you, and I've lived through those experiences myself, when I refer to you know the old me, the 20 year old me, the 30 year old me, the, I'm not gonna say how old I am, but you know the year old me, you almost refer to like a completely different person, completely different person with completely different ideas of,
Speaker: um in what she liked, what she found attractive, what she found exciting, what she found threatening, what she found uncomfortable.
Speaker: And to build the new you, you have to go through, literally, you have to go through the process of death and rebirth, because there is no rebirth without the experience of death.
Speaker: And it's terrifying. And that is why many people never, ever, ever change their situation because their familiar pain is less scary than the unfamiliar, the loss of their identity and the unfamiliar journey into the sort of the open...
Speaker: I don't know what this could become, at least, you know, the devil, better the devil, you know, this is the expression. People do stay in unhappy relationships. People do stay in ah mediocre ah jobs. People do stay, still live 15 minutes away from, you know, the the primary school and, you know, the the family home, because it's kind of like, yeah, it's not great, but at least I know what I'm dealing with.
Speaker: Because the idea off that death of the old identity is far greater for them than the excitement of the possibility of what could be born from that, from those ashes.
Speaker: we can get so attached to the narrative we have for ourselves because in a way there is comfort in the trauma you know right i mean i feel lonely so that feels like a comforting thought right now because i know that i've been abandoned so i i I have been abandoned. You know, there is like almost pride there in that. I'm like, I'm comfortable in this.
Speaker: Like I'm a warrior who's been abandoned or something like You do become quite
Speaker: protective of that. Of course. But but also, look the A desire to complain, let's say the need to complain, is also inherited. We know now that happiness is inherited, the misery is inherited. Taking pride in suffering, it you know, we all come from this sort of former Soviet bloc where hard work was, it was a badge of honor.
Speaker: It was a badge of honor. I remember my, one of my first boyfriends, And I remember sort of complaining about something and i and I said, look at my hands, look at my hands. They're all scratchy, they're scrappy. I mean, that there's me being, you know, 18 years old.
Speaker: And he said, look, you should be proud of those hands. That means that you're hardworking. You know, at the time I didn't have anything to say. Now I would have plenty to say for a comment like that, especially coming from a man who is who sort of ah pitching a tent to be your partner. But this is this kind of like, you should be proud.
Speaker: you should be proud of... how hard you work, how long, you know, the long hours, the the sort of, oh, I only have one meal a day and a cold cup of tea at the end. You know, motherhood is that difficult, relationships are difficult, everything is difficult, everything is hard, and look how much I'm suffering. And therefore, my sort of martyr positioning is secured because nobody suffers more than I do.
Speaker: There is an element of vanity because if you can't succeed in success, you want to succeed in misery, right? Because that's basically another way of competing and saying, no, no, no, I am the ultimate victim here, right? did the The classic description of victim victimhood mentality.
Speaker: is literally that, is that that your identity is so deeply connected to the sense of being forever wronged and forever
Speaker: up against some major hurdles and not knowing, not wanting to take responsibility, but also not trying to dig deep because it's on is's ugly.
Speaker: when When we start opening up, you know, the the sort of old genetic treasure chests that we've inherited from our family to do the job properly. And I'm not talking about positive thinking. Positive thinking in my eyes is is like, you know, buying a a brand new crispy dress that you've just seen in the window, oh my God, I love that. That's going to make me look so so great. But you haven't you haven't taken the shower.
Speaker: You haven't cleaned yourself. So it's only going to be a matter of time until that dress, the the beautiful, clean, white, spotless, smelling fresh and good is going to become the same as the dress you are wearing because you've not changed your habits. You are still living the same experiences.
Speaker: That's why visualization works only if you do the inner work. Manifestation works only as a, let's say, lipstick you know on top of all the other sort of cleansing that you've done. And that is why many people seem to have ah seem to have this sort of a never-ending journey of enlightenment and self-improvement going from one seminar to another symposium to to reading some books. There's like, you know, the big books, the libraries, it's like they're listening to all the podcasts, but nothing changes. It's sort of consumer mentality.
Speaker: ah that will fix me because if I buy that dress, I'm going to look good if i were if I read this book. that will That book will fix me. Without the desire and the readiness and the, right, let's roll up the sleeves and open this old stinky box that I've been trying to ignore and hide somewhere under the under the floorboards.
Speaker: A real spiritual work, real... journey of evolution and and enlightenment is not sitting on the top of a mountain in a lotus position and so talking to the butterflies. It's full on.
Speaker: Full on. And sometimes maybe it's, you know, vodka and cigarettes and sometimes maybe it's screaming into the pillow and sometimes it's, I'm done. I don't know what else to do.
Speaker: And that's when breakthrough happens because that's what how we that's how we develop the grid that's how we know what we are made out of there's a really beautiful book we we studied that as part of our school curriculum uh and it's called how the steel was tempered gaackaalle style um and it's it you know it's a story it's a story about the um Second World War and sort of a war hero.
Speaker: But this is how you temper the steel. This is what become, you know, you do the the iron in its rawest, rarest form is a very brittle material.
Speaker: you turn it into a samurai sword only through all extreme conditions being in the fire putting it into the ice cold water you know hammering it down and and turning it into a beautiful piece of art it has to go through the tempering process there is no shortcuts there is no ah copy paste experience it is your personal individual journey and that's how people get to understand who they are
Speaker: But they also get to understand what life is about. The happiness, the that that's that sweet spot of going, okay, what is it that life is to me?
Speaker: What is it that happiness is to me? Not the big pretty poster or some Instagram meme. That is my understanding. And um you know we can we can talk pretty words and... um do all the sort of the motivational, inspirational, quotational,
Speaker: but without without the without the sweat, without the did the work, without the unpleasant aspect of sitting within the truth of what is actually happening, there is no progress.
Speaker: There is no progress. Talking about progress, I want to mention something that's extremely relevant to me. It's something we talked about before we recorded. And you mentioned that a lot of your clients come women in their thirties and they're looking for a relationship, a fulfilling relationship. i was like, oh, this I feel so seen. This is like so mean because I'm looking for the same thing.
Speaker: yeah So maybe let's talk about relationships. it's Yeah, let's let's talk about relationships. i I always jokingly say, you know, I see myself as this sort of, you know, the pat patsy, anti-patsy character and absolutely fabulous. They're just like going, right, I've lived my life and I've made so many stories and with stories come the experiences and now i can turn it into an entertaining conversation and a joke and it's like ah well yeah a couple of husbands later or there was this party um but you know all of that came with a lot of a lot of bumps and bruises as well but ultimately i think it's important to mention that you know i left home when i was 14.
Speaker: a baby, really, a kid. And I went to study at music college in a different city, you know, and that was in the day where there were no mobile phones, no credit cards, no, you know, you had to go to the post office to order a phone call. Yes, I remember that.
Speaker: To speak with your mom and hopefully she will be at home because it's the landline and if she's not at home, it's like, oh my God, now I have And so I was able to have a 10 minute phone conversation, which basically was me just crying into the speaker and ahhh. I'm not going to want to come home basically. And every time she would, she would say, okay, fine, just come, come home. And I'm like, no, but really 10 minutes, once a week, I would just have this sobbing in a booth of a post office, you know, me and my mom's voice at the other end, but I really, really, really needed somebody
Speaker: a guide, a mentor, you know, there's so many pretty words that they sort of describe that person, but really somebody, ah ah a person, a woman who would understand what I'm going through, but also would help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes the tunnel felt like it was never gonna end.
Speaker: So today i would, I want to be the person I so desperately needed when I was a teenager or, you know, in my twenties and, and I didn't have anyone to to talk to. And I didn't have a trusted voice. Somebody that I knew had my best interests at heart as well, not just have me on a payroll as a, as a therapist. it's like, okay, well the hour is up. I have an, have a new, you know I have another client.
Speaker: i've mentioned that to you before, you know, 20, 30 years ago, When my mum was raising me, there was no access to any information.
Speaker: So people perhaps suffered or whatever you want to call it, you know, the the mistakes that were made or let's say the the experience that we had were due to the lack of information. There were no parenting books, there were no relationships books, there were just literature.
Speaker: from, you know, you you just read about relationships from the Bronte sisters novels, which is not necessarily helpful. yeah no You know, I just went to see Wuthering Heights so oh no no movie. It's not helpful. It's pretty. It's it's it's two hours of popcorn and like, okay, let's dream romantics.
Speaker: But it's not helpful. it doesn't doesn't It's not applicable. Today, i think we suffer from the opposite issue and that is too much information, too many different opinions, too many people going, just literally shouting above one another, going, no, no, no, no no do this. Oh, no, no, Tell him that. No, no, no. Don't tell him.
Speaker: For men and women, by the way, you know, I'm obviously very
Speaker: opinionated woman and I have and I have a lot of personal experiences to share to back up my my views because they haven't been formed through reading a book and now I know everything or through getting a diploma it's like well now I'm ah certified qualified and whatnot these were the years of condensing um personal experiences personal conclusions having a belief system then changing that belief system and going okay I don't believe that was the right way of doing things I don't believe I went about the right way so there's a lot of personal experience which you cannot fake through simply reading a you know 50 page
Speaker: ebook that you just bought on Amazon and and call yourself an expert. So there's a lot of observation that I've, and I will never say, well, this is, did my way is the only way or my method is the only method, but it's always backed up with some serious research, scientific research on neuroscience, on biology, on human behavior on psychology mixed with a practical, personal, felt it, done it, been there, you know bought the t-shirt, bought another t-shirt experience where I can i can show up and show off my personal
Speaker: collection, right, of of situations where it's like, look, I've been there, I know how you feel, I know what to do now, because this is what I would have done if I were you back then, 10, 20 years ago.
Speaker: So yes, a majority of my clients are um young women, women who want to understand, women who want to grow, women who have confusion over which voice to follow, know, who is which person is convincing because everyone seemed to be so confident and so convincing. But being confident and being competent, as we know, are two very different things.
Speaker: And also because life is so individual and so unique, what works for you
Speaker: doesn't work for the other person. Why? Because you have genetically unique fingerprint of of an experience already sort of preloaded within you. So saying that one size fits all therapy is the way forward. is just simply it's just simply incorrect. You know, we live in the times where I go and I have my bespoke facial, depending on my skin type. I can go and have my hair color specifically,
Speaker: ah you know, specifically mixed for my hair type, for my hair natural hair ah shade, for my, but i don't know, ethnic, la la la la.
Speaker: Everything is bespoke. tailored suits, tailored experiences, tailored holidays, you know, everything. When it comes to therapy, it's like, well, this is it. This is the scientific research. This is one publication. Go and be successful be happy.
Speaker: Why would you do that in 2026, where when we realize that there's so much is the nature and nurture.
Speaker: You can't possibly... Well, it's also chemistry. You know, it it's like saying, well, I have, you know, I have baking soda and so baking soda is is gonna, is gonna like make everything go, you know, incredibly well. It's like, okay, well, if you mix baking soda with vinegar, you have one reaction. If you mix it with milk, it's a completely different reaction.
Speaker: So just because you've created this formula for baking soda therapy, doesn't mean that it's going to be so fantastically successful with everybody. And yes, you will have a lot of great reviews on your website and you know I have them as well.
Speaker: People going, this is amazing. ah This was incredible. I wish I found out about that before. But also there's people who are not the vinegar and the baking soda experiment didn't work for them.
Speaker: And they need to go and find their own truth and find their own experiences and find their own words that resonate with them and with their genetically predisposed, let's say, view world view of the world.
Speaker: oh Talking about... Maybe talking about my view of the world as well. What is your view What is your view? Talking about relationship, how it was... or it is that...
Speaker: there is something about being in in your 30s right if you haven't had children and if you want to have children and you're looking at a completely different thing too when you're in your 20s for example you want to have someone to have a family with yeah and if you're also ambitious yourself you want someone who will understand that at the same time so there's a lot of things there right A lot of things that you want or a lot of things that you believe you need to be ah achieving because this is something that the world is shouting at you.
Speaker: Maybe both. Because I have bad news for you. You can't have it Here's the t-shirt that I bought. You cannot have it all.
Speaker: I do sometimes actually wonder what's... more important or how how i would want someone to meet me listen i'm not exactly clear in that and also i don't know if i need to be clear and specific to that level so you know obviously i want someone who will be a great dad because i want to have children but i also want someone who is entrepreneurial and
Speaker: positive and optimistic and you know kind obviously but but i think we should start with kind and we should also look at the the genetic history definitely if if you ask me now what would be the most important decision retrospectively for me is the decision to have children but also the decisions the decision to have children with somebody who will give them half of their DNA
Speaker: thank God they have my intelligence because apparently intelligence intelligence is inherited through through the mums. Oh, is it Yeah. So that that was that became sort of, that was uncompromised. But but but yeah, no, it i would so I would say having, deciding to have children with somebody
Speaker: is probably one of the key decisions you will have to make in life. And by the way, and I know that comes with, well, in which case nobody is perfect. like, no, not even you, not even you.
Speaker: When i met my now ex-husband and at the time, it felt like it was just this this perfect, perfect meeting, right, of the of the two two people who were on exactly the same level, who were laughing at the same jokes, who were liking the same music, and we were, ah you know, like, we was like, oh, we see the world from exactly the same point of view.
Speaker: What i did not take into the account is also the fact that when we met at that seemingly perfect point,
Speaker: my trajectory was going up because I'd just arrived in the UK. I barely spoke English. Well, I thought my English was good. And then I and then i arrived here and I realized that actually was American English. And I don't understand the pronunciation and everybody has really strong accents. It's like, what's going on? And the London slang and la, la, la, la.
Speaker: you know, just because you're meeting somebody at that perfect point doesn't mean that your trajectory is pointing the right way. So that's an important one to consider because what i later realized is that, yes, the meeting point was perfect and then I was going up and he was going down and and the gap widened to the point that 13 years later you have absolutely nothing in common.
Speaker: You have completely different ambitions, completely different values, completely different um stages of your life, career-wise, health-wise.
Speaker: ambition-wise, just so many things. And that is that is when the friction becomes unbearable because what would paper but what would get papered over at the early stages of relationships, because they just love his eyes, would become a non-negotiable in a partnership.
Speaker: And marriage is a business partnership, you go into and the you you go, it's it's it's like it's like a contractual, let's say, agreement, you go in, and then you have to have a conversation going, right?
Speaker: Who's the CEO? Who's the CFO? Who's the PA? Who's the driver? Who's the cleaner? who Who, who, you know, look, there's jobs.
Speaker: And In the same way as that as people say, you you you know you don't go into a business business partnership with your friends because you may be the best friends, you may have exactly the same sense of humor and exactly the same preference in, i don't know, musical theater. but But in terms of the business, in terms of assigning the roles, understanding the roles, and also accountability for the jobs that you are taking on, because there's an understanding and there's an agreement, and there's also a promise
Speaker: You have to remember that when a man proposes, you have to propose something. Like what exactly are you proposing? Would you propose that that we just don't date other people? Is that a proposal? Or what is the, it's a proposal of a project, right? An adventure.
Speaker: What exactly did you propose? What exactly are you offering? And a woman being being the the female, we're not just talking about, gender roles, we're talking about the energy, right? You know, we have the the masculine ah sort of energy and the feminine energy. And we both have, we have both of them within ourselves.
Speaker: the Is the feminine that responds and goes, yes, I like it and accept or no, that's not my thing. This is what a marriage and doesn't have to be marriage, you know, any, any partnership is about. It's about a proposal, clear proposal, not just, and then we'll see. It's a clear proposal. And that is a very masculine energy.
Speaker: When we have these days, The reason this, this just sort of the idea of men being so soft and feminine in a way is that confusion over, well, who, why am i always the one offering? Where do we go?
Speaker: What shall we do? I understand that men also are very confused today about like, well, I don't want to be this dictator, right? The the person that decides and everything.
Speaker: But there are, I have a son and I have a daughter and I have to think very carefully about
Speaker: what message am I giving them? How am I raising them? Because I want them to be quality people, right? I want my son to be a quality modern man who is kind, who is gentle, but also has structure and that's a very masculine energy, right? You know, masculine provides structure, masculine provides the, the you know, the black outline, feminine colors it in.
Speaker: So feminine without the structure is just this sort of butterflies and rainbows. and emotions and feelings and different different weather forecasts, right? You know, masculine without feminine is just plain two-dimensional graph.
Speaker: It's a spreadsheet, right? So both energies, both, um even in a, even in a, let's say, you know,
Speaker: doesn't have to be heterosexual relationship but we're talking about energies there has to be two opposite energies that are very complementary because only then you have a beautiful multi-dimensional artwork of a relationship rather than this is what i do and you should do the same women have to be structured women's but women's quality is to to color in, to bring in this this this this sort of breath, right? You know, men bring house, women make it a home. men bring sperm, make women make a baby. It's a very clear division of energetic input.
Speaker: And so if you want to be in your feminine, like your girly, your feminine, not girly infantile, but girly as in that softness, that kindness, that care that men absolutely want and love to have, right? That that softness that they don't get to have in their boys' world, they need to be able to come in and come with the structure.
Speaker: This is where I propose we're going. Not like one sport. Give three options. Give three options. There's no dictatorship. This is what I think we should do. This is what I would like us to, know, to commit to rather than what do you think.
Speaker: I'm going to think about that for myself. Thank you so much. and I'd like to know where can people find you? You can find me in London. I have two gorgeous practices.
Speaker: One is in Harley Street. The other one was in Belgravia. I just moved recently. Now we are very, very conveniently close to Harrods. in Knightsbridge. There's an opportunity to read a lot of information about my work on my website. It's obviously all the social accounts as always.
Speaker: and um And hopefully you can find me more on being guest on your podcast as well.
