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Episode 15 - Men Suck At Sharing Emotions, Right?
71 Plays2 years ago
Paul and Martin (co-Mayors of ADHDville) chat about things guys aren't supposed to chat about... their emotions. Big boys don't cry, right? We get into it. Just like Paul, his camera can't focus, and Martin talks about how his weekly forgotten candy haul.
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Put quill to paper and send us an email at: ADHDville@gmail.com
Theme music was written by Freddie Philips and played by Martin West. All other music by Martin West.
Please remember:
This is an entertainment podcast about ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
room.
George Frederick Still and ADHD Origins
00:00:01
Speaker
So I was, I was doing a bit of research into ADHD history. It's like this guy who's like calling the godfather of paediatrician in the UK. George Frederick Still, who according to Wikipedia was born into a fecund Victorian family. Fecund? Fecund? What the hell was that?
00:00:28
Speaker
and mean. It's actually, well, it depends on your point of view. It was because he was born as one of 12. Right. That's a second large family. That's a second large family. So you could see why I went into pediatrician, you know. What the hell? What the hell are all these things in my house that kids make? Yeah, exactly. I should go study that.
00:00:58
Speaker
We've had children. Is it fecund? Down rise with fecund.
00:01:09
Speaker
No idea about, it's so fecund, no idea. Anyway, so he, apparently, he like invented, not invented, he discovered ADHD in like 1904, right? At first described the symptoms of ADHD in children. And so you have to put your Victorian mind on here, hat on here, right? Because it's like Victorian language. He described it as abnormal defects of moral control
00:01:39
Speaker
tick. Often being an aggressive, defined, resistant to discipline, as well as excessively emotional or passionate. Oh, 1904. Victorians. Yeah. There you go.
00:01:54
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, fecund, the thing that popped out was fecund could give a damn about the rest. And with the word of the week, uh, welcome to ADH D.ville.
Hosts’ ADHD Diagnoses and Podcast Introduction
00:02:13
Speaker
Yes, yes.
00:02:35
Speaker
So I'm Paul Thompson and I was recently diagnosed after 56 years with ADHD after not being diagnosed for 56 years. Well done. And I'm Marty West and I was diagnosed with ADHD 10 years or some would say a decade. A decade. A decade.
00:02:57
Speaker
So we're just two mates, who by coincidence or not after 39 years of friendship discovered that we're code ADHD-ers? Now it's really important to say that this isn't a tapered podcast about ADHD and does not, no, no, no substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals. So don't take any advice from us.
00:03:21
Speaker
Okay.
Creating ADHDville: A Safe Space for Exploration
00:03:22
Speaker
Right. Uh, we're just here as a kind of all inclusive ADHD park bench with polka dot ones is a clay pipe and quality rolling tobacco. Don't know why I'm using this traumatic voice all of a sudden. Okay. Still here. Then grab your thermos flask and let us take you to ADHD. Bill. Yes. Yes. Yes. And imaginary town that we've created on our minds where we like to explore different parts of ADHD. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, would you? Like, you know, what's this all about?
00:03:50
Speaker
And we start off as always in the town hall in the mayor's office where we the joint mayors of ADHD Phil take care of business. Business. Business with this low case B.
ADHD and Time Management Challenges
00:04:05
Speaker
Very much so. And the first item on the agenda is as always how was our week good, bad or ugly?
00:04:19
Speaker
Um, I can, I can kick off. I think it's your turn to go foist foist foist using a new Jersey foist. Right. So it's been one thing I've, I've, uh, been consciously aware of is my time blindness is appallingly bad. Um, you know, like in, in as far as like,
00:04:48
Speaker
in as far as planning for stuff. So I know that it's Wednesday. My wife likes to talk about what we're gonna do on the weekend on Wednesdays. And I typically haven't been good about going, all right, so what should we do this weekend? Because as far as I'm concerned, it's the middle of the weekend and the weekends a ways a ways. And I've...
00:05:16
Speaker
And I've not been good about that. Plus also we kind of sit down, work out what the, what the meals are going to be there for what the shopping is going to be on Fridays. And I've not been good about coming to the table with, right. Okay. Let's, let's, uh, let's sort out what food we're going to get because, so what happens is the whole.
00:05:38
Speaker
I leave everything to the weekend to clear up and clean up and sort out, right? So I have like, in my head, it's like, in the week, I work. And then everything else that I don't want to do get shoved into the weekend, like, laundry, and, and food shopping. And then that's my entire weekend gone, just sorting out
00:06:03
Speaker
the crap from last week and try to prep myself for the week forward. So I've got to get better at doing stuff in the week, right? Like planning and do stuff like laundry in the week and leave the weekend free to do fun stuff. So that's my, I would say, I would say ugly, ugly week in that regard. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay.
00:06:28
Speaker
I generally say if I think about weekends and stuff like we did this yesterday, okay. I like planning to not be too planned. So it's like we're thinking of going to see the Goya exhibition in Milan.
00:06:50
Speaker
It's one of my favorite painters. Very, very big. Well done. Spanish man. Yeah. He liked mad people. And if, if, uh, I would say a lot of Americans, as soon as I hear Goya, it's a brand of beans in the can. No way. Yeah. Goya beans. Okay. All right. It's like us at UK with Gary Baldy biscuits. They don't actually exist in Italy.
00:07:17
Speaker
Oh, really? Yeah. What? Okay. Yeah. Um, I forgot what we were talking about. What the hell we were talking about. So good, bad week. Uh, yeah. Um, Oh yeah. So I, I planned not to plan. So we could like loosely, uh, we're not going to order tickets cause we don't have to cause we'd probably go like, Oh,
00:07:42
Speaker
I like loosely planning. I like like vague idea and not being necessarily tied down to having to do it. Yeah. Bit strange like that with me. Okay. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. All right. So let's crack on with the item number two, which is for me to say, please, for the love of all things, Gary Baldy.
00:08:05
Speaker
subscribe to the pod, write a comment, tell us what you think. Good, bad, ugly. How you been doing? You know what? The thing is, is I realized the other day, no, we're leaning into the ADHDville thing, right? ADHDville is a little kind of town in our minds, almost like a- Less leaning into a more like, yeah, well like tripped up and then somehow like going into like almost poetic dive
00:08:35
Speaker
you know, consciously diving into ADHD. A graceful swan dive into the idea of ADHD will be. There you go. And what kind of occurred to me was that if you're listening to this podcast, you are a citizen here. This is your town. Come and be a part of it. It's your civic duty to get involved. There's no border control. No border control. We haven't built a wall.
00:09:05
Speaker
Right. And even if you have ADHD, come in. Come into our town. If your partner has ADHD, come into this town. We have had all-inclusive...
00:09:19
Speaker
Right. Inclusive and not like in like, I had yesterday that the most popular word in English, the most popular word researched online in English dictionaries was authenticity last year, this year.
00:09:41
Speaker
Well, but I mean, it's like, but the thing is, it's like authenticity. Oh, that's great. In a way, you know, it's overused. You know, it's like, Oh God, I'm so, you know, it's like thrown out there so much as is my point. Sorry. I've come to the point inclusive about being inclusive. It's like, yeah, it really like really into inclusivity thing. Yeah. And when we get more budget, well, we'll bring in people, peeps who will help us being more inclusive.
00:10:12
Speaker
Absolutely. So there we are. I think we can tick off the budget chat there, which was number three on our list. Although I will say that Harry Bowe rang up the mayor's office and
00:10:36
Speaker
And he tried to give us some free bags of Haribo. And I said, no, no, because it was just set off. Paul, it would just set off my co-mayor and yeah. Yeah. So chaos. Right. So yeah. Yeah. It's already bad enough. I've still got, you know, that bag of Haribo that I said, I still kept that you tell me to throw it away. It's still there.
00:11:00
Speaker
It's like, oh, it's got like this, like energy around it. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. Well, I can't bring myself to throw it away. And it's the fizzy type as well. Oh God. I didn't tell you that. It's my favorite type of Harry, Harry boats, the fizzy one. Okay.
00:11:21
Speaker
I used to do, I don't know the one, I'm not really a Haribo aficionado, but it did unearth a memory in me, which was when I was a kid, our granddad used to drive over to our house and like spend a day there, right? And he would always have like two bars, two candy bars, two bars of chocolate, right? And he would give me to my brother too.
00:11:49
Speaker
And then I'd eat one. And then I would put the other one in a coat pocket somewhere. I would just go and find a coat pocket somewhere. And I guess because I had ADHD, I forgot that I put it there. Right. And then at some point, maybe in the week, I would just put that coat on and I put my hands in my pocket and it's a Mars bar.
00:12:15
Speaker
Genius! That's brilliant. That's a win. That's called a coping mechanism. That's like going way back. You're already developing coping mechanisms. That was good, mate. I was definitely developing a mechanism for eating chocolate.
00:12:39
Speaker
Jesus, it was good. Nice. My granddad used to have Twiglets, but back in the day when Twiglets used to come in the cardboard box, oh, and it tasted better. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. Tasted better. That slight aroma of cardboard. Slightly rumble, and slightly stale. All right. And I kind of, I like that. I love that. I do miss Twiglets, can't get them here.
00:13:05
Speaker
Twiglets is a bizarre little snack. It looks like twig, if you don't know, and it's covered in this, well, we would call it marmite stuff, which is like this yeast extract. Right. It's kind of got this weird, very distinctive, savory, salty taste. Yeah. It's bizarre stuff. Stop what you're thinking as a kid.
00:13:34
Speaker
obvious jokes. Kind of like I suppose this sidestep, an obvious joke. Quite proud of myself. Well done, Paul. King of the sidestep. Thank you. Hello. There are no new moves. Not today. Not today. Number four on our agenda is homework. But
00:14:03
Speaker
because we tend to record two episodes in one go. Yeah, we haven't actually done it yet. So that will be for next week. All right. Cool beans, as we say here in the States. All right. So last on the agenda is where are you taking us today?
Cultural Reluctance and Male Openness in Discussing ADHD
00:14:30
Speaker
Well, Mr. West, what's your middle name? Have you got one? Paul, is it Paul? Paul. It is Paul, weirdly. And you know what? I've always felt like, I think I've said this to you before. I felt like I've, I felt more of a Paul than a Martin. I've never really liked a Martin. And I've always felt that Paul was actually, I identified with it more.
00:15:00
Speaker
Wow, I could lend you it if you like for a bit. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think I'll just have to stick with it. So Martin, I'm going to take you, or Paul, however you like me to call you, we're going to take you down to the rugby training ground today, and we're going to talk about bucking the trend of men, open brackets of a certain generation, closed brackets,
00:15:30
Speaker
Don't talk to each other about the important stuff, little catchy theme there, catchy theme title. Yeah, rugby training ground. ADHD does have a very nice rugby training ground. It's all new. And Scott and I see IPA on draft in the bio. Perfect. All right, well, let's jump into the...
00:16:00
Speaker
into the tax-deductible mayor's car and make a way to the rugby training ground. All right.
00:16:28
Speaker
Okay. So here we are at the rugby ground. So yeah. What inspired this theme? What is the rugby? Yeah. Yeah. It's very nice. Yeah. Yeah. And with two big posts at either end, like a H formation.
00:16:49
Speaker
Yeah. So we've, we've actually talked about rugby in a, in a past pod, in a past podcast, podcast, in a past podcast, we talked about rugby. Um, it came to me because rugby is like, it's like, reminds me of, um, if you put it into context of American culture, it's like the, the kind of football jockey. So we call them football jock, the not jockey, the jock.
00:17:14
Speaker
the job. It's like, you know, that, that kind of like toxic male environment, right. So it's a bit of a, it's a bit of a, the rubber grounds a bit of a, is a bit of a provocation. Because it's just like where I could get like, like more toxic, more likely to get more toxic, like men's talk, I'll just talk about the baseball game last night and all that kind of stuff. And not maybe talking about the Portland stuff. Okay, okay.
00:17:40
Speaker
OK. All right. So there is a point to this. There is ADHD. I have managed to point which I'll get to in a bit later. But in the meantime, a bit of a backstory. This podcast is kind of inspired by this kind of theme, really. Because Mia Martin, like as we've said in the last
00:18:00
Speaker
in previous podcasts, we're like going through this ADHD kind of thing together. We don't know much about our ADHD. We've been mates for 39 years. And so yeah, a lot of the motive for doing this podcast was also about slight, it's just like really, really cool sharing this stuff. It's really cool and like discovering things, you know, even which is what podcasts,
00:18:28
Speaker
um 10 or 11 that we're doing just like finding out so much stuff about martin has been really really cool and how much stuff we have in common it's been really really cool uh journey likewise mate likewise yes likewise likewise so so a bit of also a bit of a vital context i've got written here um i should point out i'm really crap at nurturing friendships really shit
00:18:57
Speaker
right putting that out there. I think you kind of get to like you know when you're a kid it's easier right you just make friends and then right but there gets a point where you kind of go I've got enough friends now I don't need to make anymore yeah and then it becomes very difficult to kind of like to actually meet or become friends with anyone
00:19:23
Speaker
My guess is when you get really, when you start getting really older, then your friends start dying off and you start going, you know what, I think I might need to refresh. Right. Yeah.
Male Friendships and Identity Beyond Work
00:19:38
Speaker
Oh, they're just losing their minds a bit. And then you join a photography group or a
00:19:46
Speaker
or start up an allotment somewhere and then go down the path with your new frown friends. Oh, but isn't that actually allotments made? That is a really interesting segue. In England, the allotment sheds. That's like where the men used to meet up and have a chat. Yeah.
00:20:10
Speaker
you know, take the thermos flask, you know, maybe flask of Scotch whiskey, you know, some sandwiches. That's where men would meet up, if not the pub. That isn't funny, is my dad started to grow, he signed up and got into an allotment, which is basically a piece of communal ground that you can, that you all go to and you can grow stuff, right?
00:20:39
Speaker
And because he thought that very thing, he thought that there'd be a bunch of people there and you'd go down the pub afterwards and have a nice warm ale.
00:20:48
Speaker
And so he was there week in, week out, growing his spuds. And as it turned out, there wasn't anyone there to go to the pub with. So he gave it up. Blimey. Blimey. Hi. Been to me to have some really nice potatoes, maybe at least. Oh, yeah. Apparently, according to my mum, nice spuds, thumbs up there. But my dad was like, this isn't why I'm here.
00:21:18
Speaker
I didn't come here to make potatoes. I came here to drink with some new friends. Okay. In Germany and Denmark, places like that, they take allotments to a whole different level. They're sheds. They have allotments, but they're sheds like little mini houses. And they spend oodles of time there.
00:21:43
Speaker
it's really communal yeah nice nice lovely so um so yeah so so i've been really bad at nutrigue friendships um i guess partly with that is like men have a tendency to like you know throw themselves into their professions and it's like you know you define yourself by being in my case uh you know designer
00:22:06
Speaker
you know, and that's all that matters. And it's not until you get to the other end, you know, like in your mid forties is like I did like, yeah, okay, you kind of like tick that box pull, but you're not. What about being a friend? What about being a brother? What about being father? What about a son? What about all of these different things that form your identity, right? That you've like,
00:22:31
Speaker
you've given up over those years, right? And then you find that suddenly, as I did start to value like, Oh, yeah, do you know, I should just start getting better at being a good mate as well.
00:22:43
Speaker
Amongst other things, you know, you know what? We should just before you go, we should tee up. I guess we should, we should do an episode on object in, in the permanence. And that will, that will explain a lot of that. So just putting it out there, episode 13, 14 could be object in permits.
00:23:10
Speaker
All right. Write it down, mate, before you forget. I will just say, UK I'm talking and I'm going to write this down. All right. So me and Martin, for example, just keep putting it into more context. I will get to the ADHD bit, I promise. Me and Martin, for example, mates for 39 bloody years. You never get that right.
00:23:34
Speaker
Yeah, I know. The nine slides for some reason, it kind of drifts.
00:23:43
Speaker
makes it 39 years, worked together for like seven or eight years, I think, Martin, maybe. And then, but, and then we moved, Martin moved to the States 20 years ago. I moved to Italy by complete coincidence. I moved to Italy 19, 20 years ago. But before then, you know, we used to meet up all the time. We shared all kinds of really, really cool moments. We shared some really crap moments too.
00:24:12
Speaker
Um, that's all cool. Those are quality time. Oh my God. Yeah, God. Yeah. But if I'm honest, we didn't do sharing very well, but to be fair, um, it's like, Martin, you touched on this a couple of episodes ago. This stuff like bromance bromance wasn't on the, it wasn't on our radars.
00:24:39
Speaker
No, you know, it was on the right. I was like, no one talked about what it means to be for men to be good mates. You know, you just did it. I know, you know, you were saying about, you know, about we don't really talk about much. It's that classic thing, right, where
00:25:03
Speaker
You'll say to your partner, oh, I'm just off with my friends. And then you go out and you do spend the day to get all the evening, whatever it is. Then you come back and then your wife goes, oh, so how's John doing with the fact that his girlfriend split up? And you go, I don't know. So didn't you talk about it? Didn't come up. Not a thing.
00:25:32
Speaker
Yeah, which is okay, but obviously I'm being generalizing and genderizing, but women can spend like a 30 second conversation and then there's this amazing info swap that kind of goes on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And really efficiently as well.
00:25:58
Speaker
Yeah. Just, yeah. It's like if I've ever been in a conversation between like, I was like invited as, you know, you know, the only, I was invited to maybe go to a pub. And it turns out that it's like five, five women girls, and it's just you, the only guy. And you're like, you can't keep up the conversations. Like, it's like they're talking a whole different language together.
00:26:26
Speaker
It's just like, okay, yeah. So that's, I mean, that's the point though as well. I think there's a real thing about, okay, inclusiveness, you know, talking, communicating. There's a thing about talking between guys. We maybe have a different logic, different points of views, different angles of things, different ways and stuff. There's something about, you know,
00:26:51
Speaker
it's something like if I'm if I'm just like having a if I'm just like behaving badly and and and a guy says to me you know you're behaving badly it resonates differently from him you know I think there's a thing there's a connectedness about men that isn't talked about much there's like really really cool you know and it's really important if you're in a relationship and you know you're
00:27:14
Speaker
And it's all cool. You may be having a really good conversation, good level of communication with your partner. But it's also really cool as well to like get a male part of you, you know, like call a mate and say, what do we meet up for a beer? That's the usual excuse in the UK. Meet for a beer. And yeah, it's really cool. Men don't talk for sure. And
00:27:43
Speaker
I know that, you know, and especially when it comes to like mental health, right? Like that's even further down the list of things to talk about. There's like football, there's like what you did, what you just bought. Yeah. Because even with your best friends, you don't admit fragility. Well, you don't own up to having like a weakness.
00:28:12
Speaker
That's opening yourself up to having the piss taken out of you for the rest of the night. Right. Especially in the UK. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anywhere I think. Yeah. But in the UK there's a very strong culture for like taking the piss out of each other. It's like, it's a natural sport. Right. I saw this thing once. I think I was working on a booze brand and I had some research.
00:28:41
Speaker
which was when you, when guys go out in the evening and they go to a pub, there's a group of friends and usually there is, um, everyone has a role kind of, so there'll be a joker person who's always like cracking the thing. There'll be someone who is always the, the full guy for all the
00:29:10
Speaker
for all the jokes. They had the person who was the one who was a bit more organized and kind of like gone there and decided what to do next and was like led the group. So
00:29:28
Speaker
There are all these ladies have that too, don't they ladies probably have the same thing. I think they do. So it's, once you get into a, and so if you're out with your mates, you will tend to be in, you, you, you put on the hat of the role with that group of friends. Right. So, yeah. And you, and you play that role.
00:29:54
Speaker
And then it's, so therefore it's very difficult to kind of break out of that and kind of go, well, mates, you know, like I've got ADHD and that's why, um, my, my, my, my car bounced at the bar and you're going to have to pick up the tab. Right. Right. It's right. Because you kind of have like your, your, your inner inner role.
00:30:21
Speaker
Yeah, but it's like if you're if you're like the supposed to be the funny one of the pack and you want to introduce depression into conversation. Hang on. That's not not your wrong. That's not your that's not your job. It's like state your place, mate. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. But even if if you got if someone's a bit kind of like over reflective and oversharing amongst men and talks about depression, you know,
00:30:47
Speaker
It's not like, well, at least when I was growing up, you know, it wasn't really a place for that kind of conversation ever, I think. And I think as a guy, you would go out and have a drink with your friends to forget all of your anxieties and your problems, right? So why am I bringing the problems that I'm having that I'm trying to escape from? Why do I bring it into the
00:31:16
Speaker
into the into my little happy place. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But now this there is a there is like, the thing is, I moved to I lived in Sicily up until April. And I used to meet up with a couple of mates. And Palermo, you know, not exactly the most famous place for having like, you know, contemporary definitions of masculinity, shall we say, that's being diplomatic.
00:31:42
Speaker
OK. And same age group as me, Sandro and Sergio. Hello. And I hope I made a point of introducing different stuff into our conversations, like, you know, like opening up, you know, testing the ground. And it actually got really cool. They they've they kind of took to it really well, really fast.
00:32:09
Speaker
And it became really nice. Yeah, it's really, really cool. Yeah, it's really cool. Have you ever taken a pigeon to work? Yeah. And you've been like, I have. Yeah, I have. I have. Oh, or it may be, maybe they had a different take on it. They had like a, they had a dove. Yeah.
00:32:33
Speaker
Wow, very spiritual. That is a classy way to go to work being dragged along by a dove. It's by a pigeon. But we're mixing podcasts now. That was the last podcast, the pigeons. We should point out that there is... Go back to the last podcast, listeners, to find out why the hell we're talking about. Come on. Keep up. Why the hell are these guys talking about pigeons? Yeah.
00:33:01
Speaker
Yeah. Right. So so they're really into it. And actually, I really had a sense that it it it grew the level of of intimacy, you know, not like, you know, like hugging so much. All right. You know, Sicilian men aren't into hugs yet at all. I was going to say, how are you know, how are Italian men like, do you like having obviously
00:33:32
Speaker
been in Britain and Italy, is there a difference in like male culture when it comes to talking about mental health? Yeah, how long have we got? Oh, it is a mental health. Yeah, they're way behind, I'd say, especially in the south in Sicily. Yeah, if I gave if I gave one of my friends a hug, they would like I could tell they would like, draw back. It's like what you're doing, you know,
00:34:01
Speaker
right you don't really do hugs i'm just i'm generalizing but it happened quite a lot amongst men it's still quite masculine you know masculine in the sense that an old definition of an old and tired definition of masculinity yeah right yeah i think americans i mean like it's it's because i always worry because
00:34:29
Speaker
But when I talk about America, because it's so big and it's so there's such a variety that I would say it's difficult to kind of say. Americans are. Right. Yeah. West like you in the south, you know, you've got an all south divide and even east west divide. Yeah, I would say it's definitely changing for the better. Like, I mean, and certainly I think because
00:34:59
Speaker
Gen Z are much more open to talking about mental health and the and the yeah so it's it's kind of opened up the conversation a bit more so that it it it feels a little bit more
00:35:17
Speaker
OK to talk about it generally. But I mean, there are many places where obviously, you know, ADHD is Justin, Justin made up, made up condition. And yeah, in Italy, it's it's I've actually profited from actually how much Italy is behind on this because I got my diagnosis within five weeks.
00:35:45
Speaker
and I got my meds within a week after the diagnosis, you know. No, not even, I got straight away, meds straight away, what am I talking about? I got my diagnosis within five weeks, meds on the same day, off I went into the world, drifting again with meds. But yeah, so I profited from that, they were really behind on it. It's quite difficult for me to describe
00:36:13
Speaker
as I've done up to now, just started telling friends that I've been diagnosed. And it's like, it's like you're starting from a point zero, totally. Really. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a bit, it's one thing I miss here in Italy that I would love to have a male friend that I could talk to about ADHD. And I can't. So that's a bit of a shame. You'll just have to make do with me.
00:36:43
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's also much easier in English as well. Oh, good. I'm glad. So, I bet you're wondering what the hell is... Yes. Well, I bet you're probably thinking, what the hell has Paul, what the hell has this got to do with ADHD? Well, thanks for asking. Turns out a lot of this stuff is inextricably linked to ADHD.
ADHD, Isolation, and Understanding Friendships
00:37:10
Speaker
It's written here. Okay.
00:37:12
Speaker
I've also written, there's also written here, run through it quickly. In square brackets, I love square brackets. I noticed. This is, right, so this is despite, we have really strong tribal connections, you know, it's no coincidence of me and Martin, friends for 39 years. Both, turns out ADHD is, excuse me, oh,
00:37:44
Speaker
I can just vamp for a second or two. What? It's been waiting for so long. Exactly. I'm just filling up here. There we go.
00:38:01
Speaker
But for me, I feel I always felt felt like I had to always depend. I always had to depend on myself. I couldn't depend on anyone else. So that's why, you know, I'd never really good at reaching out. I never even bothered to like, you know, talk to anyone. I was wrapped up and probably feeling like I was a bit weird, a bit different. And essentially, a bit I felt like it was a bit I felt like I was a bit of an island with just me on it, you know,
00:38:29
Speaker
Oh, yeah, like I will say on on a a review at work. A bunch of years ago, when I was working for an agency, it said about me, it said, it said, no man is an island, but Martin comes pretty close. There you go. That's the thing that I remember has ever been written.
00:38:58
Speaker
on a work review. I've got one. I was described as a loose cannon, loose cannon. We should combine loose cannon on an island. Lovely. Lovely visual there. Then, okay, then yeah, loneliness. So it's always like a lot of people say, you know, ADHD is a pretty lonely place to be, you know, you feel,
00:39:28
Speaker
for me anyway go back to that feeling like you're a bit weird and a bit of an alien and like no one understands me you know then it's shaming you know it's like oh god i'm a really shit friend and all that kind of stuff so point being there you go shoehorning ADHD into this in today's theme right so then right go on
00:39:50
Speaker
I think you've ended up with, you end up with a bunch of friends that get it, right? You end up with a bunch of friends that, that like, for example, you know, I could not talk to for like a year or two or three, and then I meet up with them and it's like,
00:40:08
Speaker
nothing's ever happened and we don't ever sit across from each other and go, you didn't speak to me for three years. So you end up with a bunch of people that get it and I think half the time it's because they themselves feel the same way. So they cut you slack because
00:40:28
Speaker
they require you to cut them slack for the same thing. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you and me, you know, we lived, we moved to like other sides of the world, you know, for 20 years. I think probably the longest we've been, maybe, maybe like drifted for like two years, maybe. There may be have been a gap of like two years and we didn't, most sentences have a message. And then we meet up against like, like nothing happens. Like, yeah.
00:40:58
Speaker
It's not even a conversation about the conversation about the conversation of, you know, there being any kind of problem with that. It's like, yeah, it's like, get slide back into it. You know, right. Which, you know, is encouraging, as far as if you did want to share with your friends, you know, they're probably, well, then probably most definitely
00:41:25
Speaker
the, the only people that will be like, yeah, I totally get it. It's fine. It's cool. Yeah. And actually their, their, um, their response to you and you coming out with whatever mental issues you come up with probably be good and positive. Yeah.
00:41:48
Speaker
I think there's been a positive, also about coming out of the
Pandemic’s Impact on Mental Health Discussions
00:41:55
Speaker
pandemic. That sounds a bit weird to say, but I think people feel like for the first time ever, there's a safe space to say, yeah, I have my mental issues at the very least. And there's a space to do that now, massively, I think.
00:42:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So it changed the conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Go on. Wrap it up. Wrap it up. I always like to start phrases with the with the words what if. Right. Oh, I love. I love that. What if. Right. So it's like what if I was better at nurturing friendship, friendships. OK. And, you know,
00:42:43
Speaker
And I know in my heart, if I'd been better at it, it's okay, I've made peace with it, it's okay. What if I got better at nurturing friendships and better than I was before? And what if we did an ADHD podcast about... Why in the hell would we do that? Why in the hell would that be crazy?
00:43:08
Speaker
That'd be a crazy conclusion to come up with. Loco, mate. Loco. Loco in Acapulco. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's nice. A nice thought to like, what if, and then just open yourself up to possibilities. Yeah, exactly. Or maybe if it's not what if, I like to start a thought process in my own life. What if I was wrong?
00:43:37
Speaker
What would that look like? I don't mean, what if I was wrong with starting a podcast with my mate, Martin? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. That didn't happen. Yeah. No, no. Much more general. What if I got better at speaking to the microphone? What would that sound like? What would that sound like?
00:44:06
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. Your audio is all over the place. Well, we're getting better.
00:44:26
Speaker
at our microphone techniques. Yeah, we are. All right. So I think in conclusion, I would say even things are changing.
Supportive Friendships and Self-Improvement Tools
00:44:38
Speaker
I think once you get to our age, you've had friends for like donkey's years, right? And they probably, if you said, if you wanted to share
00:44:52
Speaker
more intimate side of yourself, more personal side of yourself. They are probably like two steps ahead of you anyway. They probably know you so well that they'll be like, yeah, of course you're like that. We've all known that. I would expect that they'd be quite accepting, to be honest.
00:45:20
Speaker
I've got a bunch of friends in the UK I haven't seen for years, a bunch of friends, and I've been really crap, you know, not even, you know, barely, you know, where I do like send a birthday messages or something, but not much beyond that. And I've given myself a real hard time about that for years. Yeah. Yeah, maybe same ish. Kind of, yes.
00:45:50
Speaker
I'm sure there'd be people out there going, yeah, you haven't spoken to me for donkeys. Um, yeah. Mr. West, what the fuck? Right. But then, you know, there are others like, I would definitely say since the pandemic, you're right. Like I've my communication with some of my old, old friends from school and whatever has, uh, has, has, has done really well. And that's because
00:46:19
Speaker
In part, I found a common ground and a reason to be with them. So for you, it's like this podcast, right? You know, like this is one way. And then I've got a couple of school friends that I do music with that we started when we were all in lockdown. So I speak to them a lot as well. So I found something that is like a
00:46:48
Speaker
a common ground like a reason to keep chatting. Yeah, yeah. Because you can. You've got technology. Right. And sometimes it's just about the simple things like, like sport, like about football, about, about how, about how Everton lost 10 points or whatever. About the new Kodak Super 8 camera.
00:47:14
Speaker
Right, which we were talking about before we came on air. Having said that, it would be great to meet up, Martin. Maybe the 100th podcast, we'll celebrate by meeting up in London. We'll do a podcast together in London somewhere. That'd be cool. Or wherever you like, Edinburgh, Laos. Right. That would be... Singapore. Yeah.
00:47:44
Speaker
being in the same room. I mean, like, yeah. Yeah, that goes. All right. If we meet up in Edinburgh, I could wear my new kilt. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, that's a. Yeah, yeah. That's something to look forward to. That's something to ponder on. Right. I want to see you and the kilt being pulled along by a dove. Yeah. Well, maybe a majestic hawk.
00:48:12
Speaker
as you're up in Scotland, I feel like all the animals are more majestic in Scotland. Yes, slightly more traumatic. Like a mighty stag. Yes, yes, yes. Thanks, mate. I'm glad you put me into that kind of context. Yeah. It's a pigeon. In Scotland, any kill being pulled upon by a hawk, an eagle. Yes, yes.
00:48:41
Speaker
Yeah. Could be worse. Could be pulled along by a sloth. Oh, Jesus. That's the long way round. Jesus Christ. All right. Okay. All right. Well, let's jump into our, into our... Tax deductible. Tax deductible. And soon to be... Yeah. Anyway, this is getting the car going.
00:49:07
Speaker
Christ's sake. Yeah, it's just go. Oversharing again. Fucking oversharing. So here we are. We're conveniently being taken to the post office in AHDville. And we want to say at this point that your feedback is vital to us, it says here.
00:49:30
Speaker
We'll be reading almost all of your comments and we'll include as a regular feature on our future podcast, a kind of pick and mix of our faves. Our discretion is important to us and we'll always be careful to ask before sharing your comments. Okay, so please do subscribe and interact. Indeed. And that just leaves us to dance our way out and say thanks for being here.
00:49:59
Speaker
Check out the show notes for any links. That will always be a bit spotty. And visit us on our socials.
Encouraging Engagement and Self-Kindness
00:50:08
Speaker
Check out our crowd-pleasing moves on YouTube. Right. But in the meantime, be fucking kind to yourself. Ciao. Ciao for now. A tutti. Tutti kwan. That's that.