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Color My Life With the Chaos of Trouble - Part 2
41 Plays7 months ago
Welcome to the second part of our series on modern relationships! In this episode, I'm joined by my special guest, Massiel, as we embark on a journey back to the beginning of our understanding of love. We're kicking things off by diving into our coming-of-age stories, exploring the formative experiences and pop culture influences (yes, 500 Days of Summer, we're looking at you!) that shaped our initial perspectives.
Join us as we candidly discuss the early challenges of navigating relationships, from the confusing signals to the often-unrealistic expectations fostered by movies and media. We'll explore what truly informed our perspectives of love, comparing our youthful ideals with the complicated realities depicted in films like 500 Days of Summer. Was it a guide, a warning, or just another piece of the puzzle in figuring out how love really works?
Follow Us on Instagram: @spoiler_alert_podcast
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Transcript
Understanding Relationship Dynamics
00:00:10
Speaker
Success comes really from being or developing the resilience to discomfort. And managing ambivalence.
00:00:20
Speaker
You have to be able to have, that was a hard for me, a hard, hard, hard one for me. Any small little ambivalence in my life with anybody, friendships, relationships, I'm like, oh, drop it.
00:00:35
Speaker
Drop it. Like, i would I would sit there with my best friend and tell her, I love you so much, but if you want to act up jokingly or whatever, then I guess we weren't supposed to be friends. And that's so casual to say to somebody that's supposed to be your friend that wants to, like, that you and this person want to be friends.
00:00:52
Speaker
and you And I could just be like, well, I could let things go. almost to It was like a badge for me. Like, i could just let this go. It's fine. It's cool. We don't have to force it. It's cool. But you know what? Sometimes you need to work through the ambivalence.
00:01:05
Speaker
How do you get to the good stuff if you can't even weather the storm? The storm comes, you drop everything. You're just willing to go. That's not okay. Yeah, I think there's a mis ah misunderstanding of relationships these days, especially with the younger generation.
00:01:21
Speaker
there's this misconception that you're supposed to like the person all the time. Like that's- You can't. You can't. Like we were just saying, like you can't be happy all the time. you You want to be fulfilled. You want to be satisfied. You want to be content.
00:01:33
Speaker
You want to be okay when you want to be at peace. yeah You want all things aligned and in balance to the best of their abilities when it comes to relationships. Because again, that's, there's a, it's a marathon. I always try to remind people, like a lot of things in life are a marathon. that You can't just sprint your way through life because you will burn out.
00:01:50
Speaker
And when it comes to relationships, to your point, there's going to be these storms and there's going conflict and you're not going to like people. You're not going to like your partner personally. on a Tuesday because they're breathing or chewing a certain way. You have no idea why it's pissing you off, but you're just not gonna like them. Maybe you're PMSing, maybe you had a dream about them, you're just not gonna like them.
00:02:10
Speaker
Call it the ick now. Yeah. But now we you see that's bad. It is bad, because it's not the ick. It's not the ick.
Misconceptions of Modern Love
00:02:16
Speaker
We are signing, but if you notice, oh, I caught the ick. Well, you're gonna catch the ick forever. You're gonna have the ick with your children, if you have them.
00:02:24
Speaker
You're gonna have the ick with everybody that you encounter in your life, because no one... can be all things all at once all the time. just, that's delusion. i told my therapist once, me and Natalie, you know, marriage peaks and valleys.
00:02:38
Speaker
And I think i I was like, I don't know. I think I told her, was like, she gave me the ick. And she like laughed and she was like, well, she didn't give you the ick. She was like, the ick is permanent. Like there's no return from the ick. And I was just like, all right, you're right. I just don't fuck with her today. Like she started laughing and she was like, but that's okay.
00:02:53
Speaker
Like, it's okay to to check in and and realign because then you're you're identifying whatever it is that you don't like as a roadblock, as an obstacle, as a challenge for you and your partner to work through. And so, you what mean? There's a lot of, and that's what that's wisdom, that's experience that's coming through relationships where you have to be able to identify, like, what is it that, and sometimes it really is just them chewing, but...
00:03:15
Speaker
what is it about them, right, that is triggering me? Or is it me? is it Is it me? is it Have I not been to the gym? have i Did I not get enough sleep, right? So these are things that now I can bring to the table and work through to find a solution versus just settling on the fact that I've developed the ick and forevermore is what going ick is holding everyone back, though. Yeah.
Social Media's Impact on Relationships
00:03:35
Speaker
There's a lot of things that are that are not conducive to growth that are that are happening today and others that are. Because we can't just, it's not all bad. It's not all, you know, today's youth, they're very in tune with certain things, but they're really out of it with others.
00:03:50
Speaker
I don't know which is for the better and i don't know which is for the worst yet. Because I hear when they speak and I hear ah just how clear they are about certain things.
00:04:02
Speaker
But again, back to what you said, it's is like you won't really know because the wisdom is not acquired through the textbook that you read about... Like, you need tenure in something. You need to be able to do this thing repeatedly over and over and over again.
00:04:15
Speaker
yeah and once you get to do that, then you have the wisdom because now you'll be able to take your lived experiences with whatever others you got along the way from the stories because you don't always need to live.
00:04:26
Speaker
You know, I grew up hearing... and so breka sana And I don't subscribe to that. Sometimes I can learn from what Joelle went through. can pick up where she, okay, you could have pivoted there and had a little different, different you know, ah choice, and then that would have led to another outcome.
00:04:45
Speaker
You have to be able to do to see it. can't It can't just be like, oh, that's it. We have to, you know, the person gave me this and I can't do this. And now going go to the next person. But then what I am seeing and in culture, and the hip hop culture and the people is like, even the women that are enduring. Well, I'll just keep enduring because the the next person will do the same thing. Right. They've accepted. Yeah. did yeah They've submitted.
00:05:14
Speaker
But that's not progressive either. That's not empowerment. That's not empowering yourself. They're just taking control of their reaction and ultimately the way that they will feel when the expected happens.
00:05:27
Speaker
Yeah. That's it. so and then And then you have other people like... Oh, love wins. That's a beautiful one that you hear all the time. Sometimes it's not love wins. Delusion just won. This is delusion. you're buying You're buying into this delusion because we we project, right? we we want Because of social media, we see couples and we you automatically think, oh my God, they're beautiful. That's, you know, whatever, pictures.
00:05:52
Speaker
Come on, ads? Like, that's what pictures can be. It's like an ad. you're You're showing me something that... and and now with AI, you can modify anything. So what do you mean? Like, you just saw this?
00:06:04
Speaker
I go through that with my kid. It's like, you saw that and you believe it? But that's a hard conversation because they're seeing it. So it's like, can you believe that? Yeah. and you believe Because they're seeing you with their own eyes. Where we we used to say, i i'll I'll believe it when I see it with my own eyes.
00:06:17
Speaker
Now they're seeing it. But it's AI sometimes. No, but that's what I'm saying. Or it's fabricated in the sense that, like, these people are content creators. You're buying into this delusion that you think that you're seeing?
00:06:29
Speaker
maybe they are Maybe they are in a very fulfilling situation. or the other, which is maybe this is performance. And people perform, it's a lot of performance that help goes on.
00:06:41
Speaker
That kind of like, so I don't see something in just, unless I know you and we like have a relationship where I see you and then um and then I'll say that that that's beautiful. Like you've been married for four years or like, wow, that's wonderful. I've seen your peaks and valleys. like I've seen things and and and it's inspiring.
00:07:02
Speaker
Me looking at two people that were together for 30 years is not conducive like, that's beautiful. Me. at I want to know what the quality of life was.
00:07:12
Speaker
I'm asking questions. It's true. Was one person carrying this? Because I've seen that too. One person is carrying it. And of course you're together for a long time. You're carrying it. The other person is benefiting. The other person is just there as a, just give me, give me this, give me that. And that's it.
00:07:31
Speaker
And sometimes that's not even tangible things. It's just the the image or the status or the security. Yeah. Crazy. so It is the status. it is It is a lot of labels. And that the movie talks about that. Like, I don't want to be a label. I don't want to be someone's, like, a title.
00:07:49
Speaker
But I think... Yes, I understand that, right? Like, you know, switching to the the progressive piece of this. In 2009, it was very progressive for Summer to take the stance of, I don't want titles, right? And I don't, I think it's juvenile. And there's this, he he keeps calling dating in 2009 compared to 97, modern dating, modern relationships.
00:08:15
Speaker
And it made me think how, we have really done a bad job at developing relationships. Like you said, everybody has, if you look on social media, everybody has the answers. Everybody has the cheat code. they They know what to say. They know how to take the pictures. They know which pictures to post when there's this strategic element to dating now or having a relationship now.
00:08:39
Speaker
And there's so much new ah what is it nuance, right? There's so much nuance that is lost. Oh, nuance doesn't exist in the way that it should. a well it was there before. They think they're so smart. And it's just like, but you're missing so many. Like, yes, you know a plus B equals Yes, technically.
00:08:58
Speaker
However, you're kind of missing a lot of elements that inform how we get to that. And I think that when we look at relationships, You just mentioned like there's girls that are out here that are willingly saying, well, I'm stay with this person who's completely disrespecting me because it's just gonna, the the alternative is me being with somebody else that's gonna disrespect me. If I already invested this much time with this person, then I'm just gonna stay disrespected on this end.
00:09:22
Speaker
Logically, that makes sense. But the nuance is you're still being disrespected and you're still devaluing yourself further than you were when you started this, right? And that's not okay.
00:09:34
Speaker
But that's the nuance in it, right? Like that's the back thought of what you're presenting to us. Like, yeah, you're a bad bitch or whatever you want to say. But the nuance behind that is that, no, you are a disrespected woman. You are a devalued woman. You are ah plaything. You are a toy.
00:09:50
Speaker
And I think that we have really failed the next generation in allowing them to think that this is the progressive modern relationship.
Breaking Generational Patterns
00:10:02
Speaker
And it's interesting at the same time because like you said, we are surrounded, like our friend circle are surrounded by pretty stable individuals with pretty stable relationships that are living out, of course, and I'm not in everybody's household, but they're living out what we hoped have been exposed to in our own upbringing, right? I feel like we're on trying to undo. Yes, we're undoing. We're breaking generational curses. Yes, we're trying very hard. Yeah. And so I wonder how...
00:10:30
Speaker
what happened with the next guys? like Like, we're working so hard to have the two-parent homes and to have the house in the suburbs or send our kids to a better school or create better conditions, even down to being able to communicate and fight in front of our kids in a way that doesn't traumatize them for life.
00:10:47
Speaker
yeah We're very intentional about that. And it's just and interesting to me how half of us, it seems like, got that and the other half went left with it. i don't know. A part of me...
00:11:01
Speaker
What we're trying to do is unlearn and teach ourselves as we're teaching now ah or trying to, because I keep saying trying to because I don't know that I have it like,
00:11:14
Speaker
i't I don't think of the solution. Like, this is not a solution. Oh, yeah, no, it's en ongoing. It's like, I look at it from a creativity standpoint. Like, I'm going to try this and see what happens. I'm going to try that and see what happens. And I look at it like, I'm just going to keep trying x Y, and Z and keep going and keep going and keep going.
00:11:29
Speaker
Because something's going to stick. Or I think something would. Like, been raising our children or explaining things or we're going to fight that is respectful. Mm-hmm. Because we grew up seeing fights that were very disrespectful.
00:11:40
Speaker
Granted, the times, right? Like we're not going to take away the component of the world is nothing like it used to be. Social media, if nothing else, one thing I've learned is millennials, we've got to see both. we've Depending on what age you are today, you got to see a world where there was none of this.
00:11:55
Speaker
And now we have all of that. And it's a false reality to think that you can just have everything at the same time all at once. It sounds nice.
00:12:07
Speaker
Yeah, it's not realistic. But you you actually, there they will be things, personal or not, that you have to put aside in relationships and with your children and whatnot. and And that's the part of me that's like, I understand being realistic.
00:12:22
Speaker
like I want to be logical in the sense of like, okay, well, Summer gets it because you don't you don't you don't think that these things carry you. like Like you ever heard, love doesn't feed your home. Like it doesn't feed your home.
00:12:36
Speaker
Okay, but what's food for you? Like, okay, bills. But there are people with less, with a lot of love, and there' are people with a lot of the other that don't have any love. So like that's the nuance. That's the part that's like, if you really deep dive into relationships, things can appear.
00:12:52
Speaker
You ever see a big home, huge home, beautiful home, no one in there speaks to each other. Everyone operates on their own whatever, and there's no connection.
00:13:03
Speaker
And then you have the apartment in Brooklyn, and everybody fights over the ketchup and the thing. and So what, like, do you see how you can have all of this? Like, you can have everything with very little and you can have nothing with a lot?
00:13:20
Speaker
Abundance is so subjective. Yeah. And what do you what do you value? What do you consider important? For me, it's experiences. And, like, undoing for me means trying to, okay, well, growing up, this was missing in my home.
00:13:36
Speaker
A mom though that didn't say, because I said so. I want to be a person that's like, because, you know, X, Y, and Z. And I explain it. And I'm like, okay, let me explain to you why that's not okay.
00:13:51
Speaker
But no, what I'm learning today is that sometimes you kind of, of the old book works sometimes. It's sad to think about it because I'm like, oh my God, I'm actually not trying to be this. But mental capacity, when you'll get there, but when you get there, you'll get there.
00:14:09
Speaker
You know, you ever think about what's something that, you at this age could tell the girl at 18 that you would hope she'd listen to, but you don't think she would. And you ever think about that in that way? Like, what's something that I could tell myself at 18 and i I would hope I listened, to but I just didn't.
00:14:27
Speaker
There's a lot I would have told myself over the years. I wish I would have had a meme growing up. But that's the point. That's the healing part because you are being used to your children. yeah but and Exactly. And that's i'm like, you know, and because I see the gap in that. And I think that's right. Like it comes down to just effort.
00:14:44
Speaker
And... the submission of things, right? We have refused to submit to the standard tradition of how relationships function when we were children. We decided we were going to flip that on its head and we were going to do it to the best of our ability. And not only were we going to do it to the best of ability, but we're going to make sure that our village also reflects that and that we will do our best to protect our children from being exposed to circumstances that we were exposed to that informed the fact that were were
00:15:16
Speaker
at a young age, given the responsibility of trying to process traumas that weren't ours. And so in understanding the value of that, we're intentional with the value, with the traumas that we want to expose our kids to, because they're going to be exposed to things. There's just going to be things that
Building Supportive Communities
00:15:30
Speaker
we cannot. Our minds create issues when you have nothing.
00:15:33
Speaker
like if you don't have a survival issue, your mind will create an issue. And in your point, you said village and having a village, you want to know, One big issue now with life, love, whatever you want to call this, is that no one wants to be inconvenienced.
00:15:52
Speaker
My friend moves three hours away. oh i just, I don't want to take the drive. It becomes, I've seen this. I don't ever want to be that. But that's what happens now. So if you're not going to be inconvenienced, eventually no one will inconvenience themselves for you.
00:16:08
Speaker
And eventually, where is your village? And we'll complain about that. Already we live in urban cities where it's hard to get the help, right? You have to pay a daycare. You have to pay for everything. So if you don't cultivate relationships and have other channels, independent of the person you choose and others, how do you...
00:16:29
Speaker
How do you build from there? You close your world. do You become like my person and only one where you can have my persons. Exactly. I believe in my persons. I believe in I can't get everything from one. right I believe in this is my girlfriend and I can talk to her about this and she'll understand and help me overcome it.
00:16:48
Speaker
Girl stuff, whatever. it could just be a similarity thing and I can talk to my guy friend and explain something and he'll help me with a relationship issue I'm having because, you know, this is how we see stuff.
00:16:59
Speaker
Whatever. Sometimes it's not the message. i mean, it's not the messenger, right? It's the message. No, sometimes it's not the message. It's the messenger. Sorry. Sometimes it's the message that you need. Like the messenger, sometimes it's not who you need to hear it from, but you need other people.
00:17:16
Speaker
You need to have checkpoints. Yes, exactly. Soundboards. Checkpoints, soundboards. Yeah. Yeah. Man, we're pretty awesome for our village, not for nothing. Yeah, I love the village that I feel. I think sometimes I'm like, I'm pretty rich as far as can call.
00:17:34
Speaker
ah heard a therapy podcast where the woman says, we live in these big houses and we have these nice things, but we don't have anyone to feed the dog when we're gone.
00:17:45
Speaker
but we Unless you pay, you can't call your friend. Why is that? Yes, I had i had a... I had to confront that in life, right? Like, I feel like the older i get, the more aware the more aware I am that I am an adult.
00:18:04
Speaker
Like 18 didn't signify me being an adult. I feel like at this big age, at 37 years old, I'm starting to finally settle into the fact that like, no, its it really is me. I am the them.
00:18:16
Speaker
We have become the them. We are the adults. We are the big people. We are... the grownups and you have to be able to,
00:18:28
Speaker
you have to be able to accept the fact that one, you need to ask for help, right? I try to tell Natalie this all the time, i'm like, babe, asking for help is one of the hardest skills to learn as an adult, at work, in your personal life. It doesn't matter, right? It's just hard to do.
00:18:45
Speaker
And one of the things that I had to confront with myself recently was I'm setting up this life for myself where I am proud to have not only the relationship, the family, but the external village that I've created. And if I don't feel comfortable texting one of these people to say, hey, I'm going to go to another villager's home to do something real quick. right Do you mind checking in?
00:19:08
Speaker
here's the information. if I felt like I didn't have the confidence to do that with anybody in my village, then I had disillusioned myself into thinking that I had one. like So there was like this internal like conflict that I had to have with myself because I already have a hard time asking for help. I hate asking, right?
00:19:23
Speaker
I'm very much of a do it myself type of person. I'll just do it myself because it's going to be done to my specificity and puedo que haya, right? Like it's me. If I fuck it up, it's on me.
00:19:35
Speaker
And that obviously isn't conducive to leading a productive lifestyle because you can't do it all by yourself. So in learning that, it came to a point where it was like, well, I need to evaluate the village that I have because if they if I haven't set myself up to be able to call somebody and say, hey, can you just come feed the dog? Or, hey, can just pick up my kid from school? I'm running late. Or can you hold whatever, right? Like that is really where...
00:20:04
Speaker
I felt like I was living an adult lifestyle because I finally reached a status in my life where I have allowed other adults to care for me just as much as I would care for them.
00:20:15
Speaker
And there's just a communal understanding that this is what is required for everybody to be okay. Yeah. Right. Like, and the people that I have had to ask for help, I'm all,
00:20:27
Speaker
I'm never surprised, but there's ah always a piece of me that's kind of like, you dummy, like i to myself, when they're graciously like, yes, of course, anything you need, right? Like, anytime. Yeah, you feel kind of like, what were you thinking? that Like, did they these people are your people. Of course they But then the other opposite is also can be true. Like, of course you'd say yes and let me down. i Like, duh, everything in your life informs me that this is who you are.
00:20:52
Speaker
and here I am thinking you'd be a little different. that That also works the other way for me. yeah I feel like you learn from, there there are so many teachable moments if you're paying attention.
00:21:03
Speaker
About everything. Who you are, how you show up to others also informs me about who you are at your core. Like, do you have, what values do you, what is important? Because let's be real, like, just let's just say you value time and I don't.
00:21:19
Speaker
And we go into a restaurant and you show up on time and I'm always not on time because whatever. So to me, that doesn't make me a bad person, but I don't align with you. you You could say she's terrible.
00:21:31
Speaker
Yes, to you, that's terrible. To me, oh, you're rigid, right? Like it becomes that. But no, there are things that are imp like explicit. Like this is the time and this is important.
00:21:42
Speaker
I think where we lose track of things is like we don't see, you know you know what I always say? I need to know how, okay, how does Joa think about this so that I can show up for Joa in this way?
00:21:54
Speaker
Or maybe this other person doesn't care that much, so it's fine. it's That's community. like I need to know how you, there's certain things you like. You don't like seafood, so why would I make that?
00:22:04
Speaker
I'm just going to ignore all the conversations we've had. So like how are you showing up for people? Are you paying attention? Do you know them? Or do you just you just use people to buffer energy into? Like you just, no, I want to get to know who I'm interacting with.
00:22:21
Speaker
I want to get to know who you are so that I can meet you there. Yeah. at At minimum, I want to be able to have like that meeting of the minds. And even if it's not, sometimes the fun is when we don't meet in the same things, but we can like challenge it. Like you can debate with me about something that I can't see and then we can just talk about it. That's fun.
00:22:41
Speaker
I think I find that fun. Yeah. The first time we met, I think we we sat here. Yeah. And we spoke for like four hours. I don't think Natalie got a word in. Like me and you just sat and we talked for like the whole evening.
00:22:55
Speaker
And I remember leaving and I was like, I like her. Natalie was like, I knew you guys would get along, right? she knew that we would hit it off, but it was because we're both intentional in the way that we give and receive energy, right? and And just being able to practice discernment in terms of what is important for each other and what should I be holding onto to to make sure that I'm be showing up, like you said, showing up and being the best supporter, the best friend that I can be.
00:23:22
Speaker
Because this, again, life is not a sprint, it's a marathon. And while, you know, in our big big lives right now, everybody... has everything going on. So it might be two, three weeks, two, three months, some, for some of my friends, two, three years before I see you again.
00:23:38
Speaker
And the value that comes with being able to maintain those relationships is the work and the maintenance that goes into that, which is having the hard conversations or just having the regular degular Sunday afternoon. Let me just call you, see what you're doing. Hey, your mom good. Hey, so-and-so's birthday just wants to check in, right? Like those little things is what makes up the relationships. And I think that is such a lost art.
00:23:59
Speaker
for the majority of people out there right now. And it makes me sad because there's so many people that are lonely. Like loneliness is one of the biggest symptoms that our generation, millennials and below feel right now is loneliness.
Cultivating Meaningful Connections to Combat Loneliness
00:24:11
Speaker
And I'm so grateful that i don't feel lonely. Like I might feel like, oh man, I miss my friends, but I'm not lonely. Well, that's how I look at it. I sometimes I'm just like, You know, it's funny that even on days like, let's say last, I don't know, Saturday, Tuesday, Monday, Saturday, I was just like, oh, I was telling you, I just feel like I wish they were just like 30 minutes away.
00:24:33
Speaker
But that's a good thing because that means that there is a certain pool in the friendship where it's like, I want to interact with them. I want to be around them. Because the minute you tell me, all right, so let's go out and go over there. I'm like, I'm Like, I don't care for that other piece, right? Not as much or not as... Like, all right, after a certain time, I'm like, I'm not interested.
00:24:54
Speaker
But it could be you could call me tonight that you want to come tomorrow, and I'm like, okay, okay, okay. Like, I'm i'm willing or I want to. And you you send an invite to something, and and once I RFZP, I'm there. Like, this is...
00:25:09
Speaker
But you have to cultivate that. It takes time. it takes... Over time, you start to see, and they're full of shit. Dike, they coming. But they never do. That starts to show up. or Or when you are... I'm with you and you're like, oh, she doesn't... She doesn't really spend the time. She just comes for, like, whatever.
00:25:27
Speaker
She doesn't really, like, actually interact with us. Or she doesn't... Because there's that. And... I probably am that too to some people where I just come in and I'm like, all right, cool, for a little bit. Because I'm aware of that.
00:25:40
Speaker
But also because I made the decision already that I don't care for this. or But when I am there, I don't play about my friendships or my relationships or my, like, whoever I am connected to. I need to i need to know that you can feel that I care.
00:25:55
Speaker
at not If nothing else, like, do you do you know that I care? Because that's important. It has nothing to do, is that's not, that's very different than people pleasing or needing to be approved. That's, hey, this relationship matters to me, so I want to be there for you.
00:26:09
Speaker
It could be anything. It could be, you know, Natalie, I'm sad about something. You can call me. I'm here for you if you need anything. I know you have your own channels. Yep. Because I don't need to know everything. I don't. you can You can have your own situation and I'll never know.
00:26:22
Speaker
Because I operate from that, so I would know. Or it's like, yeah, my friends don't know everything. They don't. Not one friend knows everything. But they know a lot. But not one friend can be like, I know everything.
00:26:34
Speaker
Because different people have different purposes. Different things. ah you can you you You are a certain type of person that I can have a conversation about, but you're actually going to to about anything. But I'm just saying, like sometimes...
00:26:46
Speaker
One thing that a good friend told me once when I was going through something, she's like, I'm not in a relationship. know how to help you. That was the best thing she could tell me. Yep. That was very... So honest, too. said, thank you.
00:26:57
Speaker
I know. I don't know why. I just needed to tell you something because I needed someone. But that's nice that that that my good friend was able to say... Honey, I don't know what to do. i don't know what to tell you. I'm not in that, so I don't know. but you know But I'm here for you, though.
00:27:11
Speaker
Whatever you want to do. Right. You want to you want to cuddle? You want to watch a movie? You want to go for a walk? I'm here for you, though. But it's good to know what you don't know. Yeah, exactly. It's good to be like, i really don't know how to handle that. Yeah.
00:27:22
Speaker
I'd rather that. I'd rather honesty and people's capabilities. Absolutely. ah you know You know what you don't. like i You don't want to be in a situation where you think you know something and you're talking you're like, yeah, I just talk mad shit. I don't even know what I just told her. I would feel like a phony, like a total phony.
00:27:38
Speaker
I just left a situation and said this. Yeah, that's not good. Not knowing. Like I told you before, we were talking about about stuff and like love and marriage and I'm like, I don't know. It feels like entrapment. Remember was telling you? I was like, whoa. I was like, but maybe I'll change my mind one day because think I have a skewed view. I don't know.
00:27:56
Speaker
I really don't know. um It's one of those things where you're like, maybe I'll get over this whole, maybe because I don't have the space to know right now. That could be true too. You could be going through personal things where you're like, well, I feel I am. But it's like, I don't know. i don't have the time to think about this yet. Don't have the capacity. But eventually I will. And maybe I'll have a different response. Mm-hmm.
00:28:16
Speaker
So I leave room for that to exist. I don't just, I don't like absolutes. Right. Closing doors on things is never, it's not viable because life has a funny way of showing you yeah how it'll flip on its head real quick. Yeah.
00:28:30
Speaker
The universe always laughs. i always say that. Like the universe or God or whoever you pray to always has the last laugh. Like you can plan a million things out. Yeah, absolutely. But all you can do is really just set up yourself, again, your family, your village, and your life, right? There's intentionality, and I think that's the word that I'm carrying through this ah episode is intentionality from, going back to the movie, from Tom's perspective.
00:28:53
Speaker
While he was intentional, he wasn't aware. Um... Summer, she was very aware and not intentional. you know what I did love? You know what I did love, though? If you remember the park scene where she's like, she's she's she's just screaming something and obnoxious out loud. So that, and people are looking, and he's like, there's kids here.
00:29:12
Speaker
She is so playful. Yeah, penis. And that was like cringe, but also... you You start to see it. There was a part in the movie, and I'll come back to that, where he's but he like slept with her or whatever, and he's elated.
00:29:25
Speaker
and e you And one thing I didn't catch the first time was everything was blue. The color blue, which, you know, blue can represent depression or it can, like, different things, the color blue.
00:29:36
Speaker
or Or, like, loyalty and and prosperity. Like, there's different connotations to that. But I know that that that wasn't just an accident. Every person that went in the frame was it wearing Okay.
00:29:47
Speaker
But him. So he's walking around. i remember he wasn't wearing blue, but he was walking around with this, this, this like head in the clouds. Right. so like the people of the cloud, almost like the the sky, like he's, he's, he's flying.
00:30:03
Speaker
And cause he's happy or like beyond happy. and he's, that's childlike from him. She's childlike in a different way.
00:30:14
Speaker
She's screaming penis, almost like, just just say something obnoxious and see like what the reaction is. She'd be defiant. Yeah, she's she just has to be defiant. She just has to be that person that's like, yeah, you were sitting at this park, but she wouldn't say, penis.
00:30:29
Speaker
Like, that's, because she she goes into, she whispers to him. So I guess he was like, almost like ashamed. Like, what are what are you supposed to And she says it. and then she wants him to do it. So I feel like she tapped into his energy in being playful. Yes.
00:30:44
Speaker
Yeah. And being silly and not caring. Yeah. That is something that I feel is so important, like, in relationships, even for me. Where it's like, just be playful about it. It doesn't have to be serious right now. Or, like, this is not that important.
00:31:00
Speaker
Like, be playful. So I like that because it meant nothing. The whole thing was just her being playful and like a childlike, that childlike behavior where she's just being funny and expressing something that you would never say out loud. I would have definitely been Tom. I would have been embarrassed. Embarrassed? Yeah, have been like, oh my God.
00:31:19
Speaker
You know what it is? I hate attention. Yeah. Like, I feel like I already draw attention, right? I'm very self-aware. I'm aware of my haircut and my tattoos and my look, and I'm just aware.
00:31:31
Speaker
So for me, anything extra that draws attention in my direction, oh, my God. Like, I just... I want to i want to evaporate. I want to disappear. And Natalie will do things all the time, and I'm just like, bro, like...
00:31:45
Speaker
What are we doing? Right? But to your point, you need that. You need that little bit of spice in your life every now and then. But for me, I'm so aware of how I present to others that I just never want to be hyper-magnified. I don't know. It's me.
00:32:01
Speaker
It really is me because most people probably ain't paying attention. But I feel like... you know, all eyes on me. I feel like I don't seek it, but if it shows up, I'll just, i' I'll get up. Sure.
00:32:12
Speaker
Like, I've been with a couple of friends and we're going to a live show and the guy's with the mic and he's like, go. And I'm like, no I'll go. No. Okay, not that I'll go, but you could be like the devil in my ear saying, you do it, do it, do it. And then I'm like, all right, all right. Because it's not hurting anyone. It's just, you know what might just happen? You're all just going to laugh at my expense.
00:32:34
Speaker
I don't mind that. Like, okay, whatever. You're all going to laugh. Like, whatever. So I don't mind that type of like, all right, yeah, ah fuck it. Give me the mic. yeah yeah So you do karaoke? I'll do it. Yeah, I know I can't say like ah a group thing. I've done it. I've been in a group and I'm like, all right, let me just let me just act it out. What did Rihanna do? I'm going to do that.
00:32:51
Speaker
Although I can't do it for the life of me, but I'm going to pretend in my head like I can. Okay. so I love that confidence. So it's it's kind of like wild because I know I'm not doing it good and I don't care.
00:33:04
Speaker
yeah I don't care. i know I'm not doing any good. Like, i just did karaoke over spring with friends. And I got up and out and out and I'm singing, oh what I think it's singing, because it sounds horrible.
00:33:18
Speaker
And then I just, I put my high-ass heel, five inches five inches, into my jacket and I go down. And I start laughing and I keep going.
Personality and Social Interaction
00:33:28
Speaker
Because I just, I damn near went down. like What are you doing? yeah I don't care.
00:33:34
Speaker
all right, whatever. Let's all laugh. It's at my expense. It's cool. I don't mind being a joke at them. Like, whatever. Yeah, no, don't like it. I don't like it at all. And it's it's like, I'm a confident person. And that that's kind of like my double-edged sword.
00:33:49
Speaker
i I am aware that when I walk into a space, I command, like I have command presence is what we have call in the military. But I feel like that i was that's your militant self. You're very, believe it or not- My true self is like, I feel like my inner child is is very much at play all the time.
00:34:03
Speaker
And my inner child is very quiet and introverted. i had to learn how to be extroverted. the The military, the Marine Corps taught me how to be extroverted because I ended up on recruiting duty. So I had to learn how to smile and talk to people and be friendly and introduce myself and all those things. Okay. I was never like that before. Like I never smiled.
00:34:25
Speaker
So it took until being 22 years old before now I'm on recruiting duty in Orlando. And they're like, hey you you look... You look like a serial killer. You need to smile more. Well, you... Okay, in all transparency, when I met you, you were very stoic.
00:34:37
Speaker
I still am. And can I be really, really, really transparent? I like it. Because it's like you got crack it. You got to talk to them for a little bit. yeah And that's part of, like, even in my life, attraction towards men in the past, there's a certain... If you're too, uh-uh, too much, I don't... That's fun right there, but I don't want that. Mm-hmm.
00:34:58
Speaker
You're too much. Like, that's a lot. i like the stoic, but that comes with his own challenges, which now you know. It's like, oh, you're too stoic. Like, you feel things? Yes. You start getting into that, but no, they do.
00:35:09
Speaker
It's like, you're having fun. I'm like, I'm having a blast. Yes. but but But here I am, right? I could be sitting here watching a movie and I'm cracking up. And if you're not, to me, you're not having fun. But you are. You're like, this is great. Cool.
00:35:21
Speaker
And then I'm tapping out at this time and that's it. And it's like, but wait, why would you want to like even talk about it? You don't even talk about leaving when you're having fun. That craziness that gets into, no, the person is having fun their way. That's a lesson I had to learn. Like, it's not just, ah, laughing out loud and like smacking your, like, ah, laughing.
00:35:41
Speaker
No, it's okay. Some people have fun choir quietly. They don't have to scream. yeah the people don't have to always be obnoxious I'm like but obnoxious is fun that's kind of how you know if someone is enjoying it like the movie is fun right like it's funny or you're on a rollercoaster how could you be so serious?
00:35:58
Speaker
No, I'm not serious on a roller coaster. I just close my eyes. and like You just close your eyes. But you are stoic. You're very, like, reserved. is that his is Yes. Reserved, yes. But then when I got to know you, I'm like, oh, she's cool as shit.
00:36:09
Speaker
But, see, that lends to liking you more as a person because, oh, do it's not just this. it's It's like there's layers. Right, yeah, yeah. Whereas someone throws it all out there and it's like, oh, du you know, you almost get let down after that because it's like,
00:36:27
Speaker
It's too much, super too fast. Too fast. yeah Where the person that holds some, and in believe it I've learned to now, not in general, just people in my life, in Europe, one of those, like, no, you can walk in more reserved and then loosen up as you go.
00:36:42
Speaker
It's okay. Yeah. You don't have to be like, my song is on. ah that was me. Like, I had no problem unapologetically yelling if I had to. Like, ah. just being loud.
00:36:55
Speaker
Like, it's fun. and It's cool. you know And me and Natalie connected that way because yeah she would go out with me and I loved it. Y'all are still like that. Yo, she would have a blast. She would scream at the top of her lungs. We would sing the song. We would dance. It was like, yeah.
00:37:08
Speaker
So that's funny that it's like, this is our relationship. Yes. Kind of like, you know when you grab it, it was that. and It was like... you know You don't mind you know being lousy and like loud and obnoxious and singing the song at the top of your lungs.
00:37:21
Speaker
Shit, we went to the HAL concert and I don't know how we didn't lose our voice.
00:37:26
Speaker
Stuff like that. like But then I know that the friend that's a little too stoic is like, we need you to get up. Energy level is high because we are going to go to this concert thing and I want you to have the energy or else I can't, I need this. yeah Which I would say that now, right? Like I would be like, hey,
00:37:43
Speaker
Unless we're with a group, then it doesn't matter. Right. Yeah. I think that's why i I remember one of the first interactions we went to the club. i think it was your birthday. and might have been your birthday. Or Sable's birthday. It has to be your birthday. It must have been like, these girls bugging out.
00:37:57
Speaker
No, I think it was just, it had to be your birthday. And yeah, but it was the first time I met G. Yeah. And I remember like, we both woke and we were, yeah. And I'm just looking around. was just like, okay. But then I realized me and G are the same person. Absolutely. We're the security guards. Yep. Watching everything and like looking around and just like. Like, you good? Yeah, I'm good. You want another drink? Yep. And then we both sit there we just sipping. Yeah.
00:38:17
Speaker
We straight. yeah But we had a blast. Yeah. I think that, again, there's the balance. Because for me, you're the friend that's outgoing that will get on the karaoke mic. Oh, I'll get on mic. And can't sing. It just couldn't be me. I did karaoke at mother's house. And that's just because was my brother and my wife and sister. That was it. I was just like, okay, I can sing here. you sing? Yeah, I was like, it's fine. I had six shots of tequila. I'm good.
00:38:38
Speaker
But to go out like they did in this movie and, oh, we're going to go do karaoke and hit... Nah, couldn't be. I'm totally going to do that. And I'm going to be serious at first, but it's going to be a shit show. But I'm going to act like I know what I'm doing.
00:38:51
Speaker
Because it's like, no, I know what I'm doing. No, I don't. But it's okay. But that part of myself is one of those things that I like that because I will kind of wing some stuff and it'll end up panning out, maybe for different reasons, but I'm willing to wing some stuff.
00:39:08
Speaker
It's cool. You need that balance. I mean, and I think my my aunt has mentioned it before when it comes to me and Natalie's relationship. Where... She balances me out is I am, again, the stoic friend that I'm good chilling in a corner with a drinking hand and observing and people watching and I can do my little two-step and maybe dance with you one or two songs and I've had a blast that night.
00:39:30
Speaker
ah She wants to close the club. She wants to dance all night. She wants to write be with the girls and do all the things and- yeah And that's great. And that's the reason why when we first started dating, i was so captivated by her because she was the complete opposite of me.
00:39:45
Speaker
And for me, I was arriving at a point in my life where I had just left the military. I was kind of growing into my own. I had left a serious, more mature relationship where I was...
00:39:57
Speaker
ah about to set myself up for very serious life. yeah Yeah. Right at 30 years old. And so when I met her, I had just turned 30 and I was kind of just ready to just step into the next chapter of my life and myself because I was trying to figure out who I was without the Marine Corps.
00:40:16
Speaker
And so when she's very upfront and she's pulling me to dance and she's, right, like picking me out of the crowd. Yeah. That was not anything that I was ever used to before. So that was already intriguing to me, right? Like her, her just her confidence.
00:40:31
Speaker
and I think we outsource a little bit of the thing that we want. Yeah. Like I want ah a man that's, ah let's say, you know, how I viewed it, it like, oh, he he's not needy.
00:40:42
Speaker
Because that's how I went about my relationship. He wasn't needy. He wasn't always calling me. He wasn't always stressing me out and giving me... and we Good morning. good afternoon. Good evening. and it like Just don't overwhelm me and and we're good. Because i'm I find that I'm easily stimulated. like Too much stimulation is not good for me.
00:40:59
Speaker
so And also, I believe in... If we talk about everything all the time, what is reserved for when I see you? I still hold that. like we We talk about everything all the time. When I see you and we're in front of each other...
00:41:10
Speaker
My best friends, i don't talk to them every day. Other than memes, but that's not talking. I send you a meme, it's just a meme. Like, I don't you respond if you want, you don't, if you can, whatever. But come on, how often are we really sitting there like, we're going to have a conversation every single day, check in every day?
00:41:26
Speaker
No, I outsource someone that is going to be calmer. And the very things that attract you are later the things that you end up having issues about.
00:41:38
Speaker
Yep. Because be as it may, that is life. You end up feeling like, oh, I'm like this and you're like that. and And now you got to get out of that binary thinking that you think that you're like this and you're like that.
00:41:50
Speaker
You tend to be more like this. I tend to be more like that. But you know what? Don't put a game in front of that man because he's flipping out, right? The excitement is through the roof. Mm-hmm.
00:42:01
Speaker
And I'm like, oh and then And then I had to have fun watching that. Like, oh, this is where you it gets you. This is your excitement. This is your excitement. So like that's the part. Like, oh, okay. Yeah.
00:42:13
Speaker
And you're you're one of the few people that have access to that as well in in in experiencing that level of excitement because he's... develop the ability to be vulnerable and show that. Yeah, but no, he's like that though. Oh yeah? He's like, with his friends, I've seen, what sometimes it's fun to just be there but not be in it. no Okay.
00:42:29
Speaker
I'm standing on the sideline. You're like fly on the wall. But I'm just looking. Because, you know, I don't know what I'm looking at, but sometimes you think you want to learn something and then I'm like, yeah, I'm still not into sports. That's kind of how it goes. Yep. But then I can see sometimes where it's like,
00:42:41
Speaker
Only when it's boxing. That's when I'm like, oh, I get into it. i don't know why. It's just, I don't know, maybe like a primal thing where you're like, ooh, there's two people fighting and you just want to see them who takes who down. But that's like an easy thing for me to follow.
00:42:53
Speaker
a game is way more elaborate. Like you need to know the players and what this person would do. And then, you know, they bet and all these things that go along with that. It's like... That just sounds like very, a lot of, like, it consumes too much part of my brain.
00:43:08
Speaker
And I'm not going to let this happen to It's a lot of multitasking, though. It is, right? Because you have to follow so much. And they know all the players and they know all the names. And I'm like, that's a lot of names. I don't even, I can't. You can't track of all that. I cannot keep track of it. But, I mean...
00:43:26
Speaker
Hey, everybody has their thing. Everybody has their thing. i often say, like, if we can sit here and talk about books and movies, i could do more, like, shows and podcasts. And i love getting into therapy and psychotherapy and all of the things that are, like...
00:43:45
Speaker
neurological And then I can sit with my sister and she'll tell me about all the things that are physiological, like your body and because she's into medicine. And when we have a conversation, it goes on for hours because she tells me things that inform me that I never heard of as I do with her. like We do that with each other. It's beautiful. but we like We can go back and forth about things that she's so good at and I know that I can call her for. yep then she'll call me for other things like...
00:44:13
Speaker
oh my God, I don't know how you're doing this. And I'm like, I don't know either, but I'll let you know. Right. I don't know. Definitely magic in that. It is. So you see, you need the things that you don't know about. you ah You need a Natalie and I need someone that's, you that's the hey, it's cool. You can chill out. Like, it's fine.
00:44:34
Speaker
Yeah. I was the girl that was just like Natalie in this and I still can have those days. That's why I feel like I dabble here and there. It's like, no, no, no, it's early. We can still be here. Mm-hmm. And then other days, I'm like, yeah, we got to go. I'm like, man, I wish you would find that balance. She's gay. But you know what I do have now?
00:44:50
Speaker
I go out one day to do anything social, and the next day, don't ask of me much. I did the social thing already. It's Friday. I did it. Saturday, they leave me alone. That's important, too, because...
00:45:03
Speaker
you can't always be on a high frequency. And you can't also be on a low frequency. Which I've learned through age. As I age, I've learned... Your body will tell you, too. If you're not paying attention... Absolutely. You're just a fool. Because your body's informing you. Absolutely. and that day that you drank a lot, now it takes three days to come back from it And even if you feel like you're capable of doing things... Because I have...
00:45:24
Speaker
I'm the type person that if i'm if if I have a really, really hyped day, now I have a hard time coming down from it and I start to do stuff at home like because I'm on a high of whatever I just did. Whereas, it's like no, you don't want to operate from there either.
00:45:39
Speaker
So I can see where in the past I was like always go, go, go. And now I'm like, no, no. I calm down today. Today is a quiet day for me.
00:45:50
Speaker
I literally say to myself, like I'm not doing much today. This is what I'm doing today. and that's a gift to yourself. I do it. for Yeah, I had to. is is You don't have to be on the up all the time. That frequency is crazy.
00:46:01
Speaker
and so I mean, I lived there for 10 years. So like that that's kind of the difference. Natalie, she'll be like, babe, like she she has a sense of urgency that i used to have. So I see it in her and I'm like, that's great because most people should have some sense of urgency. yeah I feel like I'm at a point in my life where that sense of urgency...
00:46:21
Speaker
has to be applicable. It has to be circumstantial because I cannot be in a sense of urgency all day long. can't. In this situation, in this context, there's an urgency.
00:46:31
Speaker
I.e. tomorrow we're driving, there is an urgency to leave at a certain time because I'm not sitting in traffic of four hours just because we couldn't get up earlier. That's urgency that you need to have.
00:46:43
Speaker
But if if the laundry didn't get done and everybody has clothes, why would I kill myself over this right now? Everything to me, I often say things exist within a context.
00:46:54
Speaker
And I feel like most things do. Because I still have yet to see something that exists outside of it. Like this exists because of a context of this. but This doesn't just happen.
Real vs. Online Relationships
00:47:04
Speaker
So I don't know. i I carry that in my everyday life. Like, okay, do I have to?
00:47:09
Speaker
Is this something that I have to do today? today Or am I putting this on myself? But everything gets done though. It doesn't have to be like, you know, just pressing manner of, and I deal with that now with my kids. It's like, this is not that important.
00:47:23
Speaker
And sometimes times when you're pressed, it takes you longer to get it done because you're you're fucking it up. Because you're so pressed to get it done that you make more mistakes or you skip steps or... But I still have it a little bit. I don't want to act like I figured this out.
00:47:36
Speaker
I still can't go to sleep if the dishes are there. yeah it's It's crazy, but if I had a few drinks, I bet you I can't fall asleep because now it's like, oh, forget it. This is just too much It'll be there in the morning.
00:47:47
Speaker
Yeah, it'll be there the same way, but then i I don't want to wake up to it. So you see that that's, I think that's a part of you where it's like it lives there, but I don't have to make room for it all the time.
00:48:06
Speaker
The only thing I would add is if TikTok were around, the Ikea scene would go rival. Like, I think couples, we would see couples in Ikea playing out the marriage scenes. is so true. Where they're skipping through Ikea living rooms and bedrooms and kitchens and bathrooms and doing the, hey, honey, the sink doesn't work. But we did that.
00:48:28
Speaker
You don't feel like you've done that? It will go viral now, but I feel like I would walk around and lay on bed. I did it. Well, you would lay on the bed. but i it was my siblings and stuff, but we would act like that. Like... look at my room, and we would say stuff like that, but it was kid stuff.
00:48:42
Speaker
Like I wasn't as old as they were. a kid. mean, i wasn't really exposed to IKEA until I was an adult. I think i was already in the Marines when I saw an IKEA. Oh. was No, I feel like it's certain stores, like your mom would take you, because I was with my mom a lot, so she would be like, mama, let's go to the store for this.
00:48:55
Speaker
And now you're in like a makeshift room situation, it's like, and as a person that didn't have her own room, it was like the pretend part was cool. You just pretend. It's like our kids put tents and stuff. It's make-believe. It's like the whole world and and you just fantasize about it.
00:49:18
Speaker
As we wrap up the podcast, if there was one thing you could change about the movie, what would it be? feel like you nailed it when... You put the words to the feeling where it's like, it would have been nice for Summer to have some empathy or or like for you to see the complete, because there wasn't a complete role reversal in the sense i like she didn't feel.
00:49:42
Speaker
he felt so much and she still was, idealistic, ah in even in her finding love for herself. Like, if I had gone... Because when you hear her talking, she's like, well, let me tell you, I was at the coffee shop reading, and then she says the book.
00:50:00
Speaker
And here comes a guy, and she says, what happened? Had I not been there, had I gone to the movies, but she wasn't warm. Mm-hmm. It was still so cold. There was no... So i it was just like, here's the information, do what you want with it. Right, it was very matter of fact. Yeah, it was very... Like, wow, you just let that... I would want for that scene to be a little bit more... Because even that would serve to me like somewhat of a... don't want to say happy ending. I hate that whole happy ending thing.
00:50:32
Speaker
More... more I don't know. You can receive it better. right I'll say that. yeah But it's like, hey, no, yeah, she did find her love and she did get this. But she also gave him the gift of like, I understand you and I'm sorry. in in and And have some warmth to her about the fact that I'm not the one.
00:50:55
Speaker
But it was just so cold cut, dry. right And today, who I am today, and even then, I've never been that level of cold where it's like,
00:51:05
Speaker
You can't see someone else's pain how this is hurting them. You can see where you messed up, but you can't see how this hurts them. Even, i don't have to agree for me to understand. Does that make sense? I don't have to agree with what you went through. I can understand it though.
00:51:20
Speaker
Like I wouldn't have gone through that, but I understand why this hurts you. Right. That's the part that I feel like that movie would have been better if that part was there. yeah But she just felt something more than technically her own, oh, well, I got what I needed. Yes.
00:51:36
Speaker
Yep. That's exactly what it was. It was like, well, I got what I needed out of this. With total disregard other than a very like, oh, yeah, I get you now because look at where I am. But even then it's like, but did you? You're so cold about didn't even understand why he feels what he feels. Mm-hmm.
00:51:51
Speaker
She understood it in a very, like, I don't know, pragmatic, like very simple, like this and that. That's it. ah A little warmth would have been nice, a little more like understanding of his experience.
00:52:03
Speaker
But even in his experience, even when she's telling him about her experience, it's about her. It's not even about him and what he went through. was like, oh, I. Right. It's like, damn. Yeah.
00:52:16
Speaker
Yeah, she was, I mean, she was consistent. We'll give her that. Yeah. She wrote that trope to the end. That the whole thing is like, which is why I see where they, at the time, it's like, oh yeah, she was mean or she was a villain.
00:52:29
Speaker
Yeah, she kind of was, but depends how you view it. she you She's like that, like that ah what is it? like the Like a tough pill to swallow. Like that girl, she's... But feel like everybody has a summer and that's kind of where I landed with this movie. It was like...
00:52:46
Speaker
Everybody has this season. yeah I think it's just part of love and relationships is you have to have your heart broken.
Lessons in Heartbreak
00:52:55
Speaker
Okay, so I don't feel like I've had my heart broken. Because you're the savage in the relationship, Masi. No, I don't feel like I've had my heart broken.
00:53:04
Speaker
You know what? I've been disillusioned. i have a child with a man that it didn't work out with, but I was almost elated to leave that relationship. Like, oh my God, thank goodness you didn't work out. i didn't want you anyway. Thank you for showing me now. Like, that's crazy to think at a young age.
00:53:19
Speaker
At 24 years four years old I've not even been with you long enough, and I'm already like, oh, thanks for showing me who you are. I'm on my way out now, which is exactly what I did. Yeah. Without any real, like, other than, see, but then me, I felt for my kid. Like, oh, man, she's going to have a broken home like I did. And and I felt for her.
00:53:38
Speaker
And there was a lot of empathy in knowing that my baby didn't, it's not going to have it. So your heart was broken. So I guess that's heartbroken. But I wasn't heartbroken for a person. It's still coming from...
00:53:51
Speaker
He didn't break your heart. Yeah. Got it your Your heartbreak came from what your child lost. Yes. it was So my heart broke for her more than it did for myself. For myself, I used to... I remember who I was. i was like, ah yeah, it's fine. i'm goingnna totally I'm going to totally find somebody and it's going to be fine.
00:54:09
Speaker
You were so ahead of your time. Was it or jaded? Nah, I think you were so ahead of your time. I was like, i'm going to find somebody. It's going be fine. Yeah. I don't think the average, and even when I was 20-something years old, I don't think the average 22, 23, 24-year-old two twenty three twenty four year old woman, right, young woman at that time had the mindset that you had in most circumstances. Like at least not in my group or direct reference in terms of people that I came up with.
00:54:33
Speaker
I think that was a very hard realization for a lot of people to get to later. People would tell me like, that must be so hard you had to leave. And then I'm like, no. It really wasn't. But also, I had ah support system. Okay.
00:54:48
Speaker
Maybe if I didn't, things would feel different. I would always feel like, you're not pulling me from my people. Or like, I would fight for friendships. Like, you you know, you're in a relationship and then it's like, oh, you can't hang out with these girls. These girls are whatever. So, that's your thoughts, not mine. That was me. Like, I didn't get swallowed up in any relationship I've ever been in. Does that make sense? Yes.
00:55:14
Speaker
I remained me in so many ways. Whatever that me was, even if it wasn't this girl that you see today that's like, I like the love. I want the hugs and the kisses and the hold my hand.
00:55:25
Speaker
I like that. feel like Tom. like I want that. You reach out for me. So that's the Tom. Because it's like, I want that. I like that. yeah I love when I see it. It's like, oh, that's nice.
00:55:36
Speaker
Right? So then when I get it, it's like, oh, this feels good. You're so lucky. Yeah. So maybe I was a little savage, but like, I also wasn't out to hurt anybody. I wasn't like, ah not i wasn't like oh my God, so cold. That's the part that I didn't really like. The coldness in it.
00:55:53
Speaker
Damn. ah You couldn't even just tell him like, I'm so sorry that I, no, nothing. That's the only part. So yeah, I didn't feel like, personally, I've been so heartbroken. heart trampled my heart was trampled on Very lucky.
00:56:11
Speaker
But that's... and don't know if that's good or not. i was going to say, I don't know. i don't know if that's good or not. Life will tell. Yeah. We can sit back and talk about it. Yeah. In a couple of months or years or a lifetime, right? Like, hopefully. ah right at At the end of the day, I think you never hope heartbreak for anybody. Because it if you've been through heartbreak, it's a terrible experience. I just think it's fascinating that, like, I'm kind of stuck on that right now. Wow.
00:56:35
Speaker
That's very... Fortunate. I'm not going to say lucky because I think there's a set of just skills and like... i also didn't pick partners that... How do I say this?
00:56:48
Speaker
I wouldn't date someone to prove myself to them or like to fulfill something. In fact, if you thought that I was going to be X and I know that I'm not this person, then I want you to know now.
00:57:03
Speaker
Even in my relationship now, I'll like, oh, i'm I do this because I'm being me. It's not because someone told me or if I wanted to stay out to a certain time, it was because I chose it So I think I own that authenticity in me.
00:57:17
Speaker
So I didn't choose... When I chose a partner, because everything is a choice, you go on a date, it's a choice. You say yes to the relationship, that's a choice. I remained, and that I'm proud of, I can say today, that I remain true to, it like, this is how I feel. And if you don't like me like this, you should tell me now so that we can not.
00:57:35
Speaker
But then you get the, I don't want to say Toms, but you get the guys that are like, no, I know that this is, there's more. And I got to tell you, sometimes there wasn't more because i'm already moving on.
00:57:47
Speaker
ah you Savage. So I just, I just didn't feel like. Yeah, the investment was worth it. Yeah, so I didnt i don't know. and My heartbreak came from other things, family things, relationships with people that were friends or loved, the like that you love or whatever. But we but like romantically, i pretty i have pretty realistic expectations.
00:58:10
Speaker
Romantically. So I'm not going to chase a guy and prove this. You like me. You know, like a woman will be like, I got to get pretty. He's coming. I'm going to get pretty if you don't come too. Right.
00:58:21
Speaker
This is just what I'm like meaning. I'm going to put the effort into myself for myself because I need to feel like, you know, just wake up in the morning. you do your hair, you brush your teeth, whatever the things are.
00:58:33
Speaker
But it was that that city mentality for me, like going going to work in New York City, your best self shows up or you try to. So I am a millennial. I grew up at a time where women would go out, get dressed up, and it would be a thing.
00:58:47
Speaker
And I ended up learning down the line that I romanticized that part of my life. right Like when I'm going on a date, the excitement comes from, even if it's a girl's night, they're getting ready. but I had that because I had my own place. I got to have the music loud. I got to have i got to live it.
00:59:06
Speaker
So the romanticizing starts with me. I have to do it for me. So then when that is something that I do for me, eight it literally opens up everywhere else.
00:59:17
Speaker
But sometimes that could work against you. It's like, you're doing too much. It's not that serious, right? In relationships. And it's like, no, but I want to. i do it because I want to, not because I'm trying to prove to you anything. I genuinely am this.
00:59:29
Speaker
and I'm not going to be the girl that... Like, Joa's coming. i wanna to show I want to show up good. I want to, you know, give Joa the nice glass. I don't know. I just... I like to to... It's like you have to give yourself, your best self.
00:59:45
Speaker
And I don't want to give mediocre, if that makes sense. No, I understand that. You know, my daughter's having a birthday party. I want to give the best I can within the measures, right? Because you don't want to be false to something. But I want to give the best self.
00:59:58
Speaker
How can I be present here? Right? I don't want to be just on my phone when I'm trying to have a connection with you. I want to be here. Those things playing. But I don't know. over and Over time in my life, I'm like, damn, have I really not?
01:00:12
Speaker
um I'm coming to that now. Like, that I really not have, like, a moment in my life where I was shattered by a person. Like, heartbroken. Like, oh, my God. And I don't i don't have that to call back on. Like, recall.
01:00:28
Speaker
I mean, if anything, at least you're an example that everybody doesn't have to deal with heartbreak. But more so that you have put you've put yourself in a position where...
01:00:43
Speaker
you have been able to avoid those circumstances just by being very aware of yourself at a young age. Like I think a lot of the heartbreak comes in the earlier years because you lack self-awareness and you lack discernment as to what is good and what isn't for you.
01:00:56
Speaker
And I think from what I'm hearing from you, you just came up from a very young age with an attitude that, if it didn't fulfill you, if it didn't serve you, then it wasn't for you.
01:01:07
Speaker
And that's a hard lesson for young women specifically yeah and even women in general, regardless of age, to just understand for themselves and be confident in that and stand in that. Because sometimes it's hard to stand in If it's not for me and it doesn't serve me, then I don't want it when the pressures around you are informing you that you just have to suck it up as we talked about a little while ago. So I think it's it's commendable, right? Like I'm just like looking at you a little bit like, damn you a unicorn, bitch. Like, cause I ain't never, a I've never thought of what that looks like for somebody that's never been heartbroken but also has that attitude. But I don't know. I feel like when I think back, where did get this from? Cause you ever wonder where'd you get this from?
01:01:46
Speaker
A little bit could be if my mother being so tough all the time, I could say that. But also, somewhere along being young, and and and i've and I've always been like, I want to read into this, and something sparks me, and I'll read into that.
01:02:00
Speaker
And somewhere I'm like, okay, Every L that you take in your life, whatever the L is, it could be you didn't get the end you didn't get the job, whatever the thing is, that's a lesson. Redirection.
01:02:10
Speaker
And I've lived my life with that for so long. Like, okay, redirection. Redirection. And acceptance. accepting that this is not that's this won't happen.
Self-Improvement and Mindset
01:02:21
Speaker
Because if Tom had accepted, he could just move on quicker. right But the the acceptance part, like, oh, this is not for me. I need to not pursue. This is not. But that's a thin line. You know that. Because sometimes you just need to work harder.
01:02:34
Speaker
You just need to work harder. You miss an Yeah, but you know what, though? If you're prepared, the the things will line up for you. If you're prepared and you show up, and that I got from my mother, where it's like you wake up with the, um like, show your best self, right? like And that's a very Dominican thing, where you wake up in the morning and you do your bed first thing immediately.
01:02:57
Speaker
you than it That part of you that shows up to the world, you're doing it for you. Mm-hmm. But it informs the rest of your life. Yep. It sets the stage. Yeah, it does that.
01:03:08
Speaker
So I don't... that' Those are things that i'm that I picked up along the way later because I didn't know that's what I was doing. ah You tell me this now, I didn't i was doing that. I just i just knew that I was... And I was very much like, I'm not going to accept nonsense. I don't... You know, that attitude that's... Oh, well, this doesn't work for me, then something else will. It was almost like...
01:03:30
Speaker
what is it when you're like almost, it's not delusion, but it's like you're highly optimistic. Like everything always works out. Yeah. And I would say that. And then to this day, I'm like, I'm going find parking right there. And then I'm with my girlfriend's driving and I'm like, what I told you. Yup.
01:03:43
Speaker
And it's crazy stuff like that, but I don't know. There's a frequency because I'll say it. I'm like, I'm going to fine. We're going to, we're in a story. I'll find parking. Watch. going to find parking. Go on the block once or twice. Look, parking.
01:03:54
Speaker
And I say that. And now I'm like, no, I need to say what I know that I can get. And if that day I didn't get it, that's the one day. And I don't let that be my um my worst moment. Like, it can't define me. Like, that can't be it.
01:04:07
Speaker
There's better. It's always... That could be bad, too, though. yeah because you're you're You can't think there's always better. Sometimes you just need to focus on the problem or whatever. But I'm also not going to I'm not a fleeting person. I'm not going to just give up.
01:04:22
Speaker
I will work as much as I can until I've exhausted all my options. And then i don't have the delusion in me. I will... Oh, we've expired. but Like I can have that conversation. Thank you for No, i now thank you for real. Like if our friendship expires because we can't, we can't keep going, then maybe we can pick it up again. I don't know.
01:04:43
Speaker
Like sometimes usually a transgression gets to you to that point, you know, with friendships, like something you did that was just like, wow, you're my friend. I don't align with that. Yeah.
01:04:54
Speaker
So, yeah. Constant reassessments. Yeah. And you can reassess something that you thought was so short of and just reassess it again. Just look again. i think that would be the final takeaway. Yeah. And and that's what the the sister says.
01:05:09
Speaker
Yeah. Don't get caught up with all the good things. Right. When you go back to the good memories, take another look around. Right. And kind of just focus yourself and center yourself in terms of where it is. that you that you're looking at?
01:05:21
Speaker
Like, in what direction are you looking and what is it that you're searching for? It's cute, because the little sister's saying that she was so emotionally tapped in, intelligent. She she was a guru. Yeah.
01:05:32
Speaker
She was good. Well, I think we're good on this conversation. How we feeling? Great. Great. wonderful. Awesome. Well, I appreciate your time, Maciel. It was a pleasure talking about 500 Days of Summer. If you haven't watched it, it is highly recommended.
Reflections on Love in Media
01:05:45
Speaker
it was an amazing snapshot in terms of what relationships look like, the different dynamics and nuances that go along with it. i think it was a great example of...
01:05:56
Speaker
a progressive woman that knew what she wanted while she didn't know how to execute, right, in her actions. I think she was very confident and very aware of herself. And you were the best person to have this conversation with because as I found out, you are also very aware of yourself and your relationship to the character definitely seep through this conversation. So I appreciate you having this conversation with us. Thank you. Thank you for having me.
01:06:20
Speaker
Please join us next time for new guests, old movies, and the uncomfortable truths we cover along the way. Maciel, again, a pleasure. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope to see you again on a future podcast. With that being said, stay focused, stay motivated, love one another, have a great day.