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17: Top 3 Monsters That Could Make a Marriage Last
61 Plays1 year ago
Monsters may not seem like the optimal marriage candidates, but we're here to prove you wrong. Let us sell you on our eligible bachelors, bachelorettes, and bachelorthems! Broached subjects: Cara and The Seat of Her Pants, Ray Romano is OK (for now), are henchmen good spouses?, and Groot the Alien Monster.
Follow us at @MyTopEverything on Insta for updates! Email us at mytopeverythingpodcast@gmail.com with topic suggestions, comments, or questions.
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Transcript
Intro and Halloween Pajamas
00:00:00
Speaker
Monsters. Monsters. I like actually can't believe you didn't wear your Halloween pajamas for this one. It's too fucking hot. If I could be naked and recording, I would be. So actually, I probably could. Yeah, you can't. Sleep a little of the waste. Yeah, I am sitting in front of an open window, so that's like the only thing keeping me. I mean, you could just.
Podcast Introduction: My Top Everything
00:00:49
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to My Top Everything. I'm Marion. I'm Cara. And I'm Mara. And this is a podcast where the three of us, best friends, argue about anything and everything.
Question: Can Monsters Make Marriage Last?
00:01:02
Speaker
And we're going to do my top three monsters that can make a marriage last today. The question everybody has been asking
00:01:12
Speaker
I know it's been on your mind and my mind. Been weighing heavily on me for the last 48 hours. Probably on Bella Swan's mind. Shit. Any updates?
Ray Romano: No Controversies Update
00:01:26
Speaker
In our last podcast, Top 3 Most Annoying TV Leads, we talk about how Ray Romano's a nice guy, and they were like, wait, maybe we shouldn't say that without research. Don't look him up. And then I said, maybe there'll be an update. I looked him up.
00:01:40
Speaker
And at least from what I could see, there is nothing untoward or bad about him. So the update is Ray Romano is safe parentheses for now. End of parentheses. Yeah. Which is all you can really say about any public figure.
00:01:56
Speaker
Agreed. You can just tell like that Kara's not even listening because like usually she makes noises. You told me my noises were annoying so... After editing all the little gasps and everything you are the most reactive person and it is so obvious when you're not listening.
00:02:16
Speaker
I got my third. Yay.
Choosing Speaking Order via Rock-Paper-Scissors
00:02:18
Speaker
Oh wow. Great. Mary and you, we're on, do you want to go first? Oh, do you want a rock, paper, scissors? I like that idea. Okay. On go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. I was paper. Okay. Put your paper up next time. I thought it was, I thought I was in there. I was looking at you. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
00:02:45
Speaker
Rock, paper, scissors, go. Nice. Okay. You go first. No. Or are we doing it? Loser goes first, dude. Loser goes first. Why would I go first? Because I won. Because you won. That doesn't make sense. We're not competing. Nobody wants to go. That's why we're doing it in the first place. That's how we did the number. I know because you got the right number.
00:03:07
Speaker
Yeah, Carol was wack for that because it should have been the loser. But no, if you win rocker paper scissors, I would say whoever wins gets to decide. I think that's the general rule. They can decide if they want to go first. So you can go first. OK.
Dracula's Marriage-Saving Qualities
00:03:21
Speaker
My number three on my list of three monsters that would make a marriage last is Dracula. He is a shapeshifter, so things would be kept a little interesting. He can literally give me internal life if he wants to. Sorry, two things. One, did you say internal life? Yes, she did. No, I said I wouldn't. Yeah, I did.
00:03:47
Speaker
I have it spelled with an E. Oh, like E-N-T? Yeah. Not I-N. Internal. Eternal. No, eternal. Yeah, there's no N. Oh, I spelled entrel.
00:04:01
Speaker
I see it now. How does that even happen? Quite easily, if I'm being honest. What would internal life be? Don't be indulged that for a second. And also internal life. You know how you have like all these things living inside of your body already and you have nights living on your skin, you know, it's like that. That's internal life?
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah, but it's like how you feed, how you have like probiotics to feed all your gut biome, you know? You got a shit ton of stuff living inside there. Will you make a whole universe in our little bodies? It's so cute. He would give you like mini monsters. Yeah, but like not the mini monsters I want, you know? It's like, is that, what's that a euphemism? No, like for kids, not for sperm.
00:04:58
Speaker
And entrails life? What is that? What is entrails life?
00:05:03
Speaker
Well, I think it involves a colostomy because maybe you just don't have entrails because you've gifted it to another person. I don't know. Sorry, what is a colostomy? Colostomy is where your intestines are no longer usable. And so instead of excreting out of your anus, you excrete out of.
00:05:32
Speaker
this hole that they've created with the end of an intestine out of your like a domino into a bag. Gross. This is a very nice way to say that. Yeah, well, I mean, my grandma has one. And so that was a whole process. Is that permanent? Yes.
Debating Dracula's Relationship Powers
00:05:50
Speaker
Yeah. So you poop outside your body, but like not in a normal
00:05:55
Speaker
No, it looks a little bit like an Audi belly button, if I had to describe it. How big is it? Like quarter? Like quarter. Oh, nice. And then, I mean, your food's not really solid when it comes out. It's more like paste, like, because depending on where it's at, it doesn't, your food's only like somewhat digested by the time it comes out. I think they like rearrange your intestines, too, to trying to make it last like longer so that your body takes longer to process it. That makes sense.
00:06:25
Speaker
So basically you're creating another anus on a person, second anus. Yeah.
00:06:32
Speaker
Okay. For whatever reason, in any of those things went wrong. Well, both internal life and entrails life sound disgusting. Yeah, not for me. I also think he would make a marriage last because he's got the power to hypnotize. And so on a darker side, he could just hypnotize his partner to be in love and to stay around, you know?
00:06:58
Speaker
So, yeah, like you're you're you're mad or unhappy or feeling sad or lonely with things that may not even have to do with him. And he just says, look into my eyes. The first thing he does is he hypnotizes you. So you find that accent sexy or tolerable. And then he said, you are relaxed. You love the dark. Yeah.
00:07:23
Speaker
No, but you're hypnotized to make it, that sounds good to you. So you can't go to it because it sounds good. So good. Okay. They'll never know.
00:07:39
Speaker
Um, before you said, internal, uh, you said that he's a shape shifter. So that would be interesting. But can he shape shift into anything other than a bat? I think he can. According to the book, Canon, I think you could shape shift into anything he wants. One moment, please. I thought it was, I thought it was just the bat, but
Humorous Monster Marriage Debate
00:08:02
Speaker
this was just popular. I don't even know if I've seen, is there a movie Dracula? There is. There's like 800 movies. Um,
00:08:09
Speaker
And it's okay, you know? Do you know the most famous? Is it called Dracula? It is, but it's got a name in front of it that I feel like you would... Count Dracula. No, no, it's a person. Cesar Dracula. Do you know who wrote Dracula? Vaud. I feel like I should. Yeah.
00:08:38
Speaker
No, okay. Um, yes, indeed. The person who wrote Dracula, I won't say it in case we need a tiebreaker. Bram Stroker. Bram Stroker. It's Bram Stroker. Yes. I did. Did you look at that? No, I didn't. Stoker. That's what I said. I never knew that.
00:08:59
Speaker
said Bram Stroker. Okay, so can he shape shift into things that aren't bats or? Yes. Yeah, she shifted into a wolf, a large dog, fog or mist. So technically, he's kind of like a werewolf too. Yeah, he's got it on him to me. I like that he can become mist. That's dope. He's also telepathic, you guys. So there's no questioning who's getting off the couch to grab something because it's
00:09:27
Speaker
his mind. I feel like I would hate to be in a relationship with someone telepathic and they just do everything you thought all the time. Not telekinetic shit. You are telekinetic. You are on a roll today. So he's not telepathic, he's telekinetic? No, he's telepathic.
00:09:46
Speaker
So it is. Oh, so you thought, OK, I guess so he thought that he was telekinetic. Yeah. Because I was like, how if you can read minds and you want to remote, how does that determine who's getting off the couch? But now it doesn't. Oh, my God. Wow. If anything, telepathic might be a negative. Yeah, that's a con. Get out of my head. You don't need to be here.
00:10:14
Speaker
How can I, how can I mean to you if you can read my thoughts? I guess that saves me the time of wasting the breath. You know when you have thoughts that you just, they just, they shouldn't ever come out and they're like, no one needs to be in there for those. Yeah. Yeah.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah, I think those are all my reasons why I think, oh, also he's super strong so he can pick me up without like me questioning it and like being like, are you tired? Are we done? Are you bothered at all by him killing humans to suck their blood? Is that going to be a problem in the marriage? Well, I hope he attacks me. How else am I supposed to get eternal life?
00:11:02
Speaker
so oh so you're a monster like eternal life in this scenario i think so because if to make it last we're talking about the all powerful all literally forever yeah literally stuck yeah do you think edward was really happy no no oh my god no i thought that was the only way to connect on that
00:11:29
Speaker
I'll just be losing all my morals is what I've discovered. Here's my counterpoint to Dracula. I'm interested in why he's third on your list or not higher, for example. Yeah. But that's not really my counterpoint.
00:11:45
Speaker
My counterpoint is that Dracula had three brides canonically. So what do you think about the fact that he wouldn't be making just one marriage last? He'd be making three, four. He'd be a polygamist.
00:12:03
Speaker
Okay. So in this case, I think I would like it because this gives me a lot of, like it's guaranteed free time for me to go fuck off and do what I want. Unless I'm like not allowed to leave in this. No, I'm allowed to leave. Um, I've decided, but also I hate sharing. So I do think I would not. I just, I mean, he's basically a Mormon, like they're referred to as the sisters. Yeah.
00:12:33
Speaker
So that might get weird. I mean, if we were the three wives, you know, that would probably be okay. No. You don't think you would want to be married? Who would you want the other wives to be? You want to be best friends or you want them to be like no one you care about ever? You just avoid them like the plague. Because you have to live with them forever too. In my head, my first thought was doing something sexual.
00:12:58
Speaker
Fun really gross fact, you guys. So one of the brides is blonde. The other two are dark haired like Dracula himself and they have similar noses to Dracula. So some people think that it was Stoker's intent.
00:13:14
Speaker
to indicate that these two were Dracula's daughters. And so there was incest involved. Oh Mara, what have you gotten yourself into? Mara, you have shacked up with an incestuous Mormon who can read your mind all the time. I don't know about this one. Okay, the prompt was to make a marriage last.
00:13:38
Speaker
Eat fucking hell, eternal life. And hypnotizing me, so I always have to be there. That's lasting, baby. Kara is trying so hard to do surreptitious research right now. I'm writing my reasons. Wow. I'm so sorry. You want to go, Marion? Should we do another rock, paper, scissors between me and Kara to see who goes next? Yeah.
00:14:04
Speaker
Okay. Best out of three on shoot. No. Best out of one? Yeah, best out of one on shoot. And the person gets to decide. Ready?
00:14:14
Speaker
Okay. Rock. Rock. Paper. God, you're slow. Scissors. Scissors. Shoot. Oh my God. Both did scissors. Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot. Marion's got paper and Kara's got scissors. Oh, yours came down. Hers came down so slow. Just lose like a gracious person. Don't even. Kara, do you want to go or do you want Marion to go? Marion to go. No, I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. Okay, perfect. I don't like being last.
00:14:42
Speaker
Okay, my number three is Benny from Halloweentown. He's the skeleton that drives the taxi, if no one remembers. And I think he, yeah, he's freaking great. He would be always funny. He would always have a joke, you know, ready to go. He's lighthearted. He's got a consistent job, so you know that he's always gonna be bringing money in. Yeah.
00:15:09
Speaker
No, that was good. I don't really have much to ask. Perfect. That's the goal.
00:15:15
Speaker
So Benny, huh? That's just it. Benny from Halloween Town. He was a monster because somebody made him. So you can pick on that, I suppose. What's the definition of monster? I knew this was going to come up. Thanks for asking. It is, I think it might still be up on my browser. It is an imaginary creature that is typically large, ugly and frightening.
00:15:43
Speaker
That's from the Oxford. I feel like you could have real life monsters to an animal of strange or terrifying shape. I looked it up and I think it was like nonhuman creature. What was it? Nonhuman creature that like causes chaos or pain or something along those lines. I mean, then he doesn't cause chaos or pain, but.
00:16:09
Speaker
Did you see how scary he got when she got real at Halloween Town? Well, that's just because he was he was. What do you call it when they get he was possessed by then, like everyone was cursed at the end. So he's not inherently a monster. Well, he was he was a skeleton. OK. Um, you know. He says this is the one I came up with five minutes ago. Two and one are.
00:16:41
Speaker
I can't believe you were in a rush to go not last to tell us that choice. What I wanted is my number one not to be last, just in case this exact situation happened. And there was silence, which is my nightmare after I say my number. Yeah. Thinking ahead. Thinking ahead. Good idea. I am going. So I also had on my shortlist any vampire, basically. I agree with that. Like most vampires, I think, could make a marriage last.
00:17:09
Speaker
Yeah. My number three is general with examples. Any dragon guarding treasure, I think, would be a good a good spouse. They're loyal. They have tons of money.
00:17:27
Speaker
They're an introvert, so they they will take care of the home and the house and you can go out and do whatever you need to do. And they'll be there chilling waiting for you to get back home on their pile of, again, money. Yeah. Yeah. Great real estate. Yes. Counterpoint one, it's not their money. They're just guarding it for some wizard or human or no, they stole it. They stole the money. It's theirs now. It's their hoard.
00:17:55
Speaker
they've hoarded the money don't come in here trying to act like you know anything about dragons oh my god this is embarrassing how much how much dragon smut have you read i have seen the movie shrek and i have seen uh what's the other movie okay and you're telling me you're telling me that and harry potter
00:18:17
Speaker
that the dragon in Shrek would not make a great spouse. She is the epitome of great spouses. That's not what I said. I was going to say two things. One, it's not always their money. And two, they're very single-minded. They have one interest in life, and it is not you.
00:18:34
Speaker
But they are lonely and they want love and affection. If anything, that's what Shrek's dragon taught us. They just want somebody to be coming and storming the castle for them, not for the princess. Or is Shrek's dragon just like the one different dragon? Well, we don't know because in all the other stories, no knight tries to have sex with a dragon. Yeah. Well, I can tell you from some research I've done in my previous life.
00:19:06
Speaker
And your evening. Dragons would make a great husband. And they're hot. Wife. Literally, figuratively. You will always have endless fire. Nobody's gonna mess with you because you have a built-in security system. And, and, haven't even mentioned the best part, flying.
00:19:29
Speaker
Yeah. I do wonder though, because they, you know, as they inherently hoard it, so like they are rich, but like how are they going to share that very easily? I feel like I'm going to might end up in a relationship where I have to justify all of my purchases.
00:19:50
Speaker
I can't be there. Instead of like, instead of like a thousand dollar minimum, it's like one dollar. I wanted to pack a gun. The dragon views itself as the breadwinner and it's like not really a joint account. This is a good point. A little worried. My prenup will include a bank account for me.
00:20:11
Speaker
I will say that I think that question depends on what you bring to the table. Can you convince the dragon that you are its utmost treasure? If you can, and it truly believes that your love and your adoration and the affection between you is the greatest treasure, then all the other treasure is just there to support this ultimate treasure. There's a dragon shifter book out there like that.
00:20:36
Speaker
Is there? Do you know the name? For sure. Why do dragons guard anything in the first place? Isn't it because it's shiny? Hmm. I know. One moment, please. No, because it's gold. Right. But why gold? Why not, like, a diamond or water? Oh, they do. They hoard all types, not just gold. Shiny things, right, though? So you'd have to be, like, decked out in, like, a tiara every day to make sure that you got protected, you know?
00:21:06
Speaker
Oh no, I have to bling up. Don't mind me, deal with my brooches and my bracelets. Yeah, my bad. I could see you doing a brooch life, Mara. Yeah, I love a good brooch. This is what somebody who has a website on berkeley.edu says.
00:21:27
Speaker
Oh, my God. I don't really understand how they managed to get this website. It looks like it's from 2004. But it says, although dragons aren't materialistic by nature, they are attracted to beauty, wealth, prestige and power. So if you are a very wealthy prince or princess, you are going to be in with this dragon like they're going to want you.
00:21:48
Speaker
especially if you're pretty. And dragons know how to live the good life and their generosity towards others, especially their admirers, knows no bounds. So you could really get in good with a dragon. But there's sounds like you have to be previously rich or powerful to get their attention, keep the money in the family or that they would like leave you like in a second if they met somebody richer, more powerful, more beautiful. You'd be competing with everybody all the time. You would have to make yourself worth it.
00:22:18
Speaker
They could be a little flighty. Yeah, they could be a little. But I do think there's a joke there, flighty. Yeah, I do think, though, that that's where the loyalty comes in because they are loyal to their treasures and they will not let anything
00:22:38
Speaker
be taken from them. So as long as they continue to treasure you, you'll be okay. And I did look it up, but there's no, it's not clear why dragons love.
00:22:49
Speaker
treasure so much I think they just like things of value but there's no like oh it's shiny things lore so stop trying to make things up about dragons Kara that's what I'll say that's the end of my thing between your slander about them guarding it for a wizard and only liking shiny things like they're fucking crows that's that is racist
00:23:15
Speaker
Okay. You got to tell why don't you figure out the imagery for Wizards? Nope. Dragons while you're working in Hollywood, because that's how they portray dragons. Oh, like you think I should go on a PR campaign for dragons? Yeah, I think you should develop some sort of show or movie that depicts dragons in the correct light because Harry Potter and Shrek are out here teaching me wrong.
00:23:39
Speaker
I think a Dragon Shifter movie would really, I would like a TV series that's 22 episodes long, 30 to 45 minute episodes with like at least seven seasons. I would watch that. Yeah, that'd be good.
00:23:57
Speaker
All right, let's go to our number twos. My number two dreamy monster husband that could make this relationship last is Aragog from Harry Potter. He's the giant spider.
00:24:15
Speaker
Good things about him, he's a vegan or vegetarian for his kind, because his species has the taste for human flesh and they eat human flesh. But he doesn't. And Hagrid is the only human that he won't eat on site or like tell his children not to eat. But I feel like he's a good friend with
00:24:41
Speaker
You know, male friendships. I feel like those can be really difficult, and this is a lifelong bond here. It's a green flag. He is a family man. He literally has millions of children. That's true. And he's going to protect me in case of an intruder. Yeah, all good qualities here. You could never hang out with two of our best friends ever again.
00:25:05
Speaker
I mean, I could leap the forest. Do you hear that Anna and Jen? Mara's picking a huge spider over you. You could never have anyone over. Oh my god, speaking of Jen's dad listens to this. He calls us the knuckleheads. I love it.
00:25:29
Speaker
I think that's a good one overall. I do think that he eats human flesh, though, for the record. He just doesn't know. It's canon. He doesn't eat any human flesh because I looked up to clarify because of his respect for human life. He was raised by Aragog colon HP rank down three dash Reddit, because that's where I actually see that now. No, I'm on Harry Potter dot fandom dot com. Fair enough. The authoritative source. I'm on Harry Potter Wiki.
00:26:00
Speaker
Yeah, it is Harry Potter wiki. Yeah. Personality and traits. Does not eat human flesh. Listen, I have no critique. That's a pretty good one. Sick. Oh my god. And you get to live in the forest, which is beautiful. I get to live out my cottagecore life. Yeah. He's a good monster. Good job, Mara.
00:26:24
Speaker
I'm going to give you a point because there was no critique. Good job.
00:26:33
Speaker
All right. What's your number two? Let's critique this. Okay. My number two is the winged monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. They have a built-in friend network. There's just so many of them. They all hang out all the time. They've got tasks to do together. He has a community. He's not one of those loners. Which one are you?
00:26:57
Speaker
the one that I choose when I get presented with all of them, apparently. Also, I'm apparently marrying them. This turned into like us marrying these. This was not my intention. Yeah, that was my mindset the whole time, all picky monsters. This was not my intention, but it definitely morphed into that throughout this podcast. I'm just I'm just so you're just saying all the monkeys in general have the same
00:27:20
Speaker
Oh, OK. Yeah. All the monkeys. I mean, I don't know. They don't depict they don't depict individuals. There is like a head monkey that hangs out with the wicked witch of the West. So, you know, I'm going to choose him because he's got power, you know. Yeah. They also can very clearly see right and wrong because at one point, Glenda, the good witch, kisses Dorothy on the forehead. And that's why the monkeys don't hurt her is because she's been touched by good.
00:27:48
Speaker
So, you know, they see right and wrong, and in today's world, that's a good thing. And then they'll always do what you want if you have any control over them. Like, you can manipulate the shit out of them. Yikes. Yeah.
00:28:03
Speaker
Are they just another little creature that follows power? Would they be following the witch and not you though? It's kind of like a mother-in-law situation where the witch is telling this monkey what to do and the monkey is always going to prioritize the wicked witch.
00:28:24
Speaker
over you. Well, at the end of the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West dies and then they help Dorothy and they like hang out with Dorothy. So I think once they're released from the Wicked Witch, they kind of do what they want. If you can't handle them at their worst, you don't deserve them at their best. Who says I can't handle them at my worst? I'm just going to save him from the Wicked Witch. I'm just going to spread good in the world.
00:28:48
Speaker
by taking a monkey. Also, another thing, this monkey's going to fling poo. And what are you doing about that? Because that's not spouse material. I'm just making sure that I'm immune to all germs. You know, it's good for me. Also, it's like kind of weird. You picked like sidekick henchmen both times so far, like
00:29:08
Speaker
These aren't main character energies. They're not giving like, I'm a monster who's in control of my own destiny. Like I'm someone who sits around going, oh, waiting for a wish to tell me what to do. Well, Benny from Halloweentown has his own job, probably owns his own company, his own cab, you know? You don't know that. Who is the cocaine wizard of Columbia?
00:29:35
Speaker
What? Pablo Escobar? Pablo Escobar. Yeah, Pablo Escobar made his billions off of his taxi company. So what's Billy up to? Boggy? What's his motherfucker's name? Benny. Benny. What's Benny up to? Are you saying Boggy? Yup. I've been looking at monsters all day.
00:29:57
Speaker
Yeah, I don't know. I think you would get bored. I think this is one of the lamest ones. They can't even like talk. They're like, they communicate. You know, we support and respect different types of communication styles. Oh, my God. All right. Well, Kara's learning sign language for this relationship. And I'm teaching my monkey husband sign language, apparently.
00:30:25
Speaker
Yup. Wow. Negative one. I saw it coming. I'm just really not convinced this monkey would make marriage last. I don't know why I'm just not convinced. Listen, they do what you want. They clearly see right and wrong. They can carry me away with their big wings. They're not big though. They're pretty small. They're smaller than like a human.
00:30:49
Speaker
One can carry a dog and two can carry a human. It's so hard. Him and his bestie. This is a terrible life. It's a terrible marriage. I'm going to say it's a terrible marriage. We'll see. I'll be here for you. What if it's not you marrying them, which was never my intention for this list. And it's just a monkey being married, period, to somebody.
00:31:16
Speaker
still don't think it'll work. And when this goes south, we'll be there for you. Yeah. Or the Wicked Witch of the West. I don't know. Yeah, I've got to. I got to. I got a lot to get to my monkey husband in that situation. Got to defeat evil casually. What's your number two, Mario? My number two monster that could make a marriage last is Medusa.
00:31:44
Speaker
Nice. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. She's on my long list. In a literal sense, she could just turn her husband to stone and then
00:31:56
Speaker
they be lasting, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yes. That's literally what Grayson says. Yes, I do. I loved it. Yeah. So that's done. Yeah, I had a hard time not picking ones that were just literal make a marriage last. But also Medusa is a feminist. She would be fighting misogyny. She would have a very good spouse, I think. Whether the spouse was
00:32:25
Speaker
male, female, non-binary, whatever. Medusa is certainly somebody who would stand on her own, but it'd be in one of those ways where she's never going to bullshit you. She's always going to tell you the truth, but she's there for you. She's there to back you up. You know that she can get along with people because she has to get along with
00:32:45
Speaker
25 snakes always on her head. That takes negotiating. That's not something that you can just do. She has had to learn a lot of skills and compromise to make that work and still be hot. And to not be insane. Hearing all of that. Also, she's got... I don't know. Don't ask me what her story is, but I'm pretty sure it's tragic. So I feel like she deserves a happy ending.
00:33:14
Speaker
So there's, so originally she's part of the Gorgon sisters, but there's a later version of the myth where she was a maiden, but then like Poseidon, you know, had sex with her. And then he, but he did it in Athena's temple and Athena is like famously a virgin. And so then Athena punished Medusa.
00:33:39
Speaker
What the hell? I know. Um, Athena's not very nice in like any of the stories. And she's like, I'm making your beautiful hair into snakes and, uh, you know, and then she gets beheaded.
00:33:54
Speaker
At some point. Oh, yeah. That's like the end of her story. So, yeah, it's not exactly a happy story, but I do think that she would have a great, great time. Fun fact, the child that came from Medusa and Poseidon when she was beheaded Pegasus rose from her. Oh. And that's fucking sweet.
00:34:24
Speaker
So she, everywhere, you know, you're a monster with venomous snakes on you on the outside, but on the inside, you're a beautiful, loving winged horse. And that's Medusa. That's beautiful. She's hard as stone on the outside, soft on the inside. Yeah, and you've proven you can handle her at her worst.
00:34:47
Speaker
for however little amount of time before you turn into stone. Snakes biting you, like just giving you a little nip while things are happening. There's somebody who would really like that. Not me. That'd be crazy. Is that why you brought it up with such sensual voice? I'm just saying that I think the bedroom part of life would be interesting as well as Medusa with the snakes in play.
00:35:14
Speaker
I think it'd be interesting for sure. Can you imagine like the little snake tongues though? Like, but it would be like so, it's like ASMR for touch now. It's like feather lights. It's like just the right amount of pressure. No. And multiple tongues hitting one area. And we know that I rehydra from episode one. Yeah. No. Drowning in them. Love it.
00:35:41
Speaker
Do I get a point for no counterpoints on this one? Yeah. Yeah, I think you do. Plus one. Now let's take it to our sponsors. Wow.
00:35:56
Speaker
This week's sponsor, number three, is Grayson, our sound engineer and producer. Thank you, Grayson. Snaps. Our number two sponsor is Greek mythology for creating the best monsters that scare us to this day. I like that with Medusa, they recognize that monsters are created and that people have the ability to create monsters. And I think that's a very fascinating concept. And they knew that.
00:36:25
Speaker
we control that side of things. Yeah, that they don't just exist or appear. There's a reason why, yes, we create monsters. And our number one sponsor is that party where Mary Shelley and Lord Byron and other people were hanging out and they were like, I bet I can write a better scary story than you. And Mary Shelley was like, no, you can't. And she wrote Frankenstein.
00:36:54
Speaker
Oh my God. Did that actually happen? Yeah. What were the other stories? Not good, comparatively. That is a great tidbit of information. Mary Shelley was 20 years old and she made the bet with her future husband, Percy Shelley, and Lord Byron to write a horror story. Thanks, Mary.
00:37:23
Speaker
This is actually a great segue to my number one. Thanks, Mary. Unsurprisingly, Frankenstein's monster is my number one for monsters that can make a marriage last. Tell us why. He he's intelligent and he is kind in the book.
00:37:44
Speaker
I don't think about how this could be creepy, but he, he like is watching this family who's got a cottage in the woods and he like helps clear the snow out of the path and like gets firewood for them. And then the father is blind. And so he like tries to make a connection. And at first he only like comes in when the father's home. And then one day the rest of the family sees him and then the family moves out the next day. Oh, that's so sad.
00:38:12
Speaker
his life is pretty sad. But also in the book, he demands that Frankenstein will make him a bride or a mate. And so I really feel like that shows like he's in it to win it. And
00:38:37
Speaker
I guess my con for this man is that I would be his only friend. And so that's kind of a big con there. It'd be a little difficult. I don't like, I'm going to pick up a, he had somebody make a wife for him because, you know, we want strong independent partners that can be happy on their own.
00:38:58
Speaker
So. But he was being rejected by all of society. It's a classic again, like they made the monster because he was nice and he just wanted to be accepted and they wouldn't accept him. And he kept getting hurt. And like his final straw was one of the humans like shot him in the shoulder as he like saved this kid from drowning. And he was like, here's your kid that I saved. And the person shot him. And then he vowed revenge.
00:39:26
Speaker
That's so sad. So he's got Drive. I didn't know that. He's got Drive. Yeah. I didn't know any of that either because I've never read this book. Oh, OK. I was impressed. I looked the sparks notes. This is giving me like Beowulf. Beowulf. Yeah. Grendel. Grendel was on my shortlist as well. It's very similar. Yeah. I didn't know. I couldn't remember enough about Grendel to put him on my list. But Grendel did like not great stuff.
00:39:55
Speaker
Like he wasn't out there doing good deeds that could have, you know, changed people's minds. He always like ransacking the village every night. So, but out of the anger of rejection from society. So it's a little bit of like chicken or the egg situation with Grendel, which is why I couldn't put him on my list. Yeah. Yeah. So that's fair. Frankenstein's a better. Yeah. I like him.
00:40:26
Speaker
Kara? My number one is Nazgulz from Lord of the Rings. One of the... Mara, do you want to explain what a Nazgulz is?
00:40:39
Speaker
Wait, no, no, no, no. I can do it. I can do her thing. Right. Sorry. Okay. For those of you that don't know, a Nazgul is somebody that there is nine of them, right? And they used to follow Sauron and they got sucked into- And still follow Sauron.
00:41:00
Speaker
Well, at the end, he dies. And so these Nazgul's were king's men that got corrupted by the power of the rings that they held. And now they're kind of like half human. In the movies, they're like half human, like human-esque creatures. Yeah, they're like in between. Yeah.
00:41:23
Speaker
Neither what they're neither living nor dead. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I think that's the case. Yeah. Yeah. So I think this is my four point presentation on why a now school would be a good husband is one, they're humble. They fell from power. Right. They used to be these like incredible kings that were rich and powerful and beautiful and all these. And now they're just riding along, trying to fulfill somebody else's role. But
00:41:53
Speaker
They are now humbled. Number two, they can ride horses, which in my book is freaking dope. Number three, rich, still kings. So they got lots of money. And number four, last but not least, they are committed to what they care about. So kind of like the dragon. And I came up with that point before Marion was talking.
00:42:15
Speaker
They are committed. So if you can convince them that you are better than this thing that they corrupted themselves for, then you would have a wonderful marriage.
00:42:26
Speaker
I have a couple of things. Me too. Number one, I think they would bring you some really good jewelry home. Yeah. Because they obviously know how to pick some good rings. And then number two, there is a con. They're like completely devoted to Sauron. I guess he's dead, but like. We have to assume these guys are like we have to assume all monsters at the height of their. Yeah. Monstrosity like if they die, that's like they're not.
00:42:56
Speaker
So I think it's them being dedicated to Sauron is a huge part of their identity. So they're forced into it because Sauron, no Sauron holds their rings captive and so they literally can't disobey him. They lack the power anymore to disobey him. Because men are weak.
00:43:19
Speaker
Um, my query, my qualms with this, the first is that apparently they can't cross water. And I feel like that's a, that's a problem. Like, how are you going to get places? Yeah. Oh, they have little flying. No, they can't cross the water. Kara can't cross it. Yes, they can. What is the thing that they fly on? Can they get on that? Fly. They ride a horseback. I thought.
00:43:49
Speaker
I think one of them has like a dragon looking thing. You're right. You're right. Because when he's at the tower thing. Yeah. Yeah. And he like flies over the armies occasionally. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. He must be the king of kings. Again, you must be like one river in Middle Earth. You picked
00:44:08
Speaker
a henchman again. It's why you're picking these things that are devoted to somebody who's not going to be their spouse. These guys are going to go off and do terrible things.
00:44:23
Speaker
horrible, horrible deeds in the name of Sauron. And then ride their horses back to me. If Sauron was like, kill your spouse, they'd be like, sure, that's a problem. Well, in my defense, this is now school's post Sauron. No, no. And winged monkeys past post. You can't do post. No. You have to do in it. Oh, mine's Grendel post dead. He'll make a great smile, so never complain. Yeah.
00:44:53
Speaker
Grayson says they can cross the water. That's why when the hobbits escaped over the river, it was pertinent information that the nearest crossing was bridge 20 miles from there. Okay, that's what I'm saying. So they had to go 20 miles out of their way. Okay, so they just can't directly cross it.
00:45:11
Speaker
ridiculous um i was well but also i like but also they were in that river when the big you know like flood came from the oh my god because movie it looked good but they talked are you thinking of the hobbit no she's thinking of the fellowship of the rings yeah mara thank you first hour
00:45:31
Speaker
She's watched the first hour. Also, their main thing is terror. And I don't think that's good for a relationship. Like they're going to terrorize you. Like that's their go to back. Their their little lizard brain is like when somebody when something's not going my way, I'm going to terrorize the thing and make them afraid. So if you're in a disagreement with this thing, it's like it's going to scare you because that's its purpose.
00:46:01
Speaker
I think we're differentiating because you think that this is in the world of Sauron. In my mind, I picked this because it's not Sauron. They exist in the world of Sauron. They are no longer what they are if Sauron doesn't exist. Great. That's what I want. That's not the monster.
00:46:20
Speaker
That's a redeemed person. They were on my long list, Kara. I do think about them. Yeah. But then she had the good sense to leave them off the actual list. She gave herself more than 10 minutes. That was a good call. Thank you. What's yours? I've debated this one. I'm nervous.
00:46:45
Speaker
I have a lot of honorable mentions that I feel I could have filled this spot. Oh my God. But I think I'm going to go with Davy Jones. Oh, that's such a good one. Ew. You chose a spider. Yeah. Yup. And that's my man. I'm going to stand by him.
00:47:13
Speaker
You could go for like obviously Pirates of the Caribbean, Davy Jones, but Davy Jones has like a long lore even before that. What I like about this is again, literally he could make the marriage less last. He's going to make you an undead ghoul. He's king of the roost. He's got lots of loyal servants. He's got a sprawling domain because basically anything under the sea is counts as Davy Jones locker. So like
00:47:42
Speaker
You get to explore the sea all the time, whenever you want, and everything answers to Davy Jones. Also, I feel like Davy Jones would be the type that if you were interested in the different sailors or people that get lost at sea, Davy Jones would be chill with it. Davy Jones, he's too wrapped up in things to really care what you do on your own time, so that's going to be good for the lasting of this marriage.
00:48:10
Speaker
Davey Jones will be there for you, but also I think would have a loose, I get the vibe, he'd have a very loose oversight of things. Fun fact about- He's got a lot to do. Yes. So probably- Yes. You're just like a nice little benefit. Yeah. Like he doesn't need a wife. He doesn't need a wife. Like he's- He's probably got seven. And he's busy being the, basically being the jail. Well, he doesn't have a wife. One in each sea. He's never had a wife, but-
00:48:39
Speaker
He or a spouse in general, I don't want to assume Davy Jones sexuality, but his pet is the kraken, right?
00:48:47
Speaker
Uh, I think in, I think in controls, it is also on pirates. They're on the flying Dutchman. Basically pirates too was like, let's just combine like all of the, you know, see lore story and put it all together. And cause like the flying Dutchman is separate technically from Davy Jones. And anyway, um, okay. But they have combined it. Yeah. So maybe at least, yeah, he's got the crack in which that's dope. I would love to have a crack in pet.
00:49:17
Speaker
That's sick. Killer pet. So he's considered so old Davy Jones, like pre, you know, pre the end of sailing as we know it and pre pirates. He is like considered the sailor's devil. And when they try to think about, like, why he's named Davy Jones, basically the idea is that
00:49:46
Speaker
Jones used to be Jonah, like from the Bible. Wait, from what? What did you say, Mara?
00:49:55
Speaker
The Bible. So because Jonah died in the sea, right? He drowned or whatever? No. Or what happened to him? Jonah spent three days and nights in a whale. And then he doesn't die. Well, he like spits him out. Anyway, they associate Jonah, the ghost of Jonah. So there is something going on there where they believe Jonah ended up
00:50:22
Speaker
in the ocean. But basically they think that locker was referring to like any receptacle for private stores, like, you know, a bread locker, chain locker. And so the whole ocean is his locker. And I guess West Indian people used to call a ghost or spirit a Duffy. So it would have been Duffy Jones' locker and then eventually morphed into Davy Jones' locker.
00:50:50
Speaker
So there's also something going on here where like you're dating Jonah. You're dating like somebody who has like this kind of biblical goodness to them, I assume. I don't know the Jonah story, but he's a good guy, right? No, I have the story. I actually don't know. OK, what's the story? It says the story of Jenna has great theological import.
00:51:14
Speaker
That is a terrible sentence. It concerns a disobedient prophet who rejected his divine commission, was cast overboard in a storm and swallowed by a great fish, rescued in a marvelous manner and returned to his starting point. Now he obeys and goes to... Nineveh? Nineveh? He was the capital of Israel's ancient... The whale vomited him out.
00:51:39
Speaker
I don't think he was a good dude. I think he learned a lesson from God. He was a dissenter, which we like. We like someone who doubts, thinks for himself. There you go. Yeah, I can spend this anywhere. Except then, but then God was like, hey, listen, and he was like, oh, okay, okay, okay.
00:51:54
Speaker
I mean, when something greater than you comes out and shows you light and captures, if you were captured for three days in the belly of a whale, but you're not dead yet, would you not be like, whoa, God, please. Girl, you will. I'm here for you. And I think it's pretty cool that he became Satan of the sea. That's dope. He was like, I got a new job. I'm the ruler of this roost.
00:52:23
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Okay. It clicked that the Jonah that was in the whale was part of the Davy Jones. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wow.
00:52:37
Speaker
Duffy Jonas Walker shortened. He got swallowed by a whale for some early atheist thinking and then became the devil. I like that. I like that there's more than one little devil around. Yeah. He's cute. He's a mover. He's a shaker. I don't know how I feel about that statement at all. I don't like that there's one. I don't like that there's more than one and I definitely don't like that Mara thinks it's cute.
00:53:05
Speaker
Because it's not cute.
00:53:09
Speaker
Oh man. Kara hates monsters with agency. She's like, if they're not being told exactly what to do all the time, like this is that reveals so much about your psyche. You're like, Oh, I want an ex-spouse who just like goes along with whatever I say and just head down. Normally I think you can psychologically analyze my answers. I really don't think you should this time. It's coming out. I like that one. That's a good one. I like the story. Davi Jones.
00:53:39
Speaker
What does he look like if not for tentacle beard? What are we working with here outside of pirates? There's this really horrific picture from 1832 where... How do I show this to you? I'll put it in the WhatsApp chat. One second. WhatsApp chat.
00:54:01
Speaker
He looks like he's got like a beast pelt on of just like hair. And then he's got two horns and like really big eyes. But he is wearing like pilgrim buckle shoes. And that's the weirdest part, I think, you know, if he wasn't wearing those shoes.
00:54:23
Speaker
He'd look a little less unnerving. Hands, oh, okay, sorry. I thought the sleeves were his hands and they were looking like elephant snouts, so. I sent a different one. Here's a, huh. If you go to that Wikipedia and you just scroll down to the second picture, you can kind of get an idea of what I'm talking about. Oh my God. Whoa.
00:54:48
Speaker
Oh, your Davy Jones is crazy. Kara, I love that. Look at his cap. Oh, that's the one I was looking at. Yeah, I feel like that's how I would picture it is like he looks like he is the devil of the sea. You know, he's got like. Yeah. There's no messing with this. That is a husband that shall be respected.
00:55:13
Speaker
We love him. Mars like, sign me up. I'm a man on the ride. Where do I go? Thank God we met you, man. Soul. Soul to baby Jones. An ex-Catholic. Yeah, well, me and Jonah be getting down. Down to the bottom of the sea. Any honorable, were you doing like an
00:55:43
Speaker
Jellyfish. OK, but the was that like that was me diving in. That was like diving to the bottom. I was like, is that an implosion reference? Because too soon. Yes. Well, they brought it up today, which Jesus Christ, who brought it? Waste of money. I don't know. Whatever motherfuckers pain to go down there and retrieve the. Oh, I think it's the U.S. wreckage. I thought it was the Navy. Hmm. Weird as hell. Also, when this is released, this will be like nine months ago.
00:56:13
Speaker
Oh, right. So it's fine. It's fine to make a reference. Any honorable mentions? At first, I was thinking Groot.
00:56:23
Speaker
Oh, I had. Here's my short list of like good monsters that would. So group is number three. He is very like protective. He is eternal. He can always regrow. He's sustainable. Loves the ecosystem. Doesn't talk a lot like he's got a lot of good things going. Very reliable. Says a lot with little words.
00:56:45
Speaker
The why he would be at my number three is because he like has this like relationship with Rocket that I think it would kind of be awkward and get in the way of your marriage. So I'm not so sure about that part. Also, when Groot like kind of dies and is reborn, he's like a baby and then a teenager. And that's got some weird implications to it. Like how would your marriage continue on? So that's why he's number mommy girlfriend, mommy girlfriend.
00:57:13
Speaker
Exactly. It's a whole cycle. We don't want to get into that is the true horror of of a marriage in this podcast. The second one was a Phoenix. Going to know, you know, never heard of her. What? So.
00:57:30
Speaker
Like Dumbledore's bird is a phoenix. They like go to Ash and then re-bird. Oh, I thought you were saying a name, a phoenix. Oh. Where is that from? These seem like monsters to me. These just seem like creatures. Well, Groot. Well, she said nice monsters. Yeah. But why are they a monster?
00:57:50
Speaker
Because they're abnormally. Groot is definitely a monster. If you're Benny counts as a monster, Groot counts as a monster. Like for sure. Is Groot an alien? Because I almost put something on my list. But then I was like, no, I can't do that one because it's an alien. I did like consider that. But is he not an experiment like?
00:58:09
Speaker
Oh, like rocket is and that's why they bond. I actually don't know. Yeah, I didn't take the time to look it up because I felt like. Yeah, I mean, it's a good question. That's also why I didn't put Phoenix, because I thought, is this just a mythical creature? Yeah. Groot is an extra terrestrial tree monster. So, OK, so like that's how they describe that. We go to alien, but monster.
00:58:33
Speaker
Phoenix is from Greek mythology. So like I think you could very much argue that it's a monster. But my my number one one, which is a monster, but is good, is Totoro from My Neighbor Totoro. Yeah. Yes. I almost put him on. He was too nice. He's this like forest spirit who's like really big and very like fun and cute.
00:59:00
Speaker
She's a big. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you might have no face on your list. I mean, I already used no face. I know. You know. Yeah. And also, I was trying to think more of like. General monsters, because I figured we would have a lot of like movie or TV references. So I was like, oh, when I think of monsters, like if I'm thinking of general monsters. Yeah. That are in like different mythologies. What am I thinking of?
00:59:29
Speaker
I gotta give a shout out to my man, James P. Sullivan, or Sully, for Monster Zang. That was not my choice. My husband, my boo. Yeah. I love him, but also I considered putting the mommy on my list. Like the thing with the mouth?
00:59:51
Speaker
Yeah, because like, I mean, monster, but also like literally got punished to death for love and then made sure that he couldn't like the love was never going to die. He was like, we're not done. We have unfinished business and then makes it so that he can come back.
01:00:09
Speaker
That is a very good point, except for In the Mummy 2. There is a moment where, well, I guess it's not his fault, though. So In the Mummy 2 turns out their love is superficial because both he and Rick O'Connell are on this cliff's edge and they're about to like fall into the abyss.
01:00:26
Speaker
And it's raining down like everything's being destroyed. And the mummy, Imhotep, he's like, Anox and Amun, help me, help me. And she's too scared to risk her own life. So she runs away. And then he dies again for like the fourth time or whatever. And then but Evie risks her life to save Rick O'Connell. So there's like this this foil between the two couples. So
01:00:55
Speaker
Maybe he could make a marriage last, but could he pick the right partner? Damn. Oh, our poor little boy must protect him. Yeah, as he throws planes over Egypt and kills people. Yeah. Yeah. I also considered Roz from Monsters, Inc.
01:01:20
Speaker
Oh, yes. Yeah, she was secretly a secret agent the whole time. So she can keep a secret, which is good. It's so important in marriage. Yeah. Number one, none of us are married. I tell my partner secrets just to see if you can keep them just as a test, you know.
01:01:48
Speaker
because I need to know that it's the most important thing. As we all know, if you can't keep it secret, you will not have a marriage that lasts, number one.
01:02:00
Speaker
Kara can't tell if I'm joking or not. She's like... I'm trying to decide many things. One, if that's true. Two, what secrets you might have told Matt that just straight up aren't true just to see what's going on, you know? I'm joking. I'm just having a little folly over here, a little jokey-wokey. Because like Mara said, as one of the pluses for Roz, that she could keep a secret, like that means anything to a marriage.
01:02:27
Speaker
Mostly I just don't want you spouting shit off at the worst possible moment to people That just don't need to know dirty laundry stays in the house. I don't think that's like a deal-breaker though for me if I am yeah Like if someone can't keep a secret, okay, I just won't tell them But it's your partner for life in some of these situations for fucking literal ever Well, they can't keep a secret then like I'll just live with that like it's not the end of the world. I
01:02:57
Speaker
I what secret would be so damaging that. If they call it. Yeah, I agree. I agree. She just can't keep her fucking mouth shut. It's nice. Apparently, it's a pro for me. New new secret unlocked over here. New secret about the secrets. Yeah. Any honorable mentions, Kara? Any other henchmen you forgot to mention? Literally, no. Yeah, I wrote down the words werewolf, Sully Monsters Inc. Siren.
01:03:28
Speaker
Golden? Gollum. Gollum. That's a terrible one. Pennywise was on my list to research to see if I could defend it. There was a lot. I was researching to be like, is this even? And then a lot. Defendable. Yeah. And they're not. Fun fact. Yeah. It was difficult. I will give a shout out to Grayson. He used Medusa. That was his first suggestion to me. And for the exact same reason that Marion listed.
01:03:56
Speaker
Yeah. Somebody had to say it. That's because it's a clear, it's a clear winner. It's good. It's solid. It holds true. Any other points?
01:04:09
Speaker
Um, I feel like, I mean, I can't take another point away from Kara for the same reason. You're fine. I know what I am this week. I don't think Kara's in the running this week. No. Oh my God. Should I pull a Mara and just declare that I've won? Yeah, I think so. Yes. Do it. You won't. Do it. I am. Do it. This week's winner. The loser.
01:04:39
Speaker
Oh, congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. Look at you. A balloon. I know all of the spouses that were the monster. I know all of the monsters that would make the best spouses. I think I should win because I converted Mara on Davy Jones.
01:05:02
Speaker
He was, yeah, I was, you did talk me into him. It was a literal sales pitch. By the end of it, I was like, I'm here for him. I love him. I want to go find fanfic about him. That's what I want to do. Oh my God. I thought you were going to say I want to go jump in the river, jump in the ocean.
01:05:24
Speaker
No, I'm not suicidal today. Well, you live forever as a half human. No big deal. My God. I think living for everything is not freaking you guys out enough. It's just so far removed from any reality. But also, if you're with the person that you love who can make a marriage last, is living forever terrible? Who said anything about love? We're talking about marriage.
01:05:49
Speaker
Is in your lasting marriage, is there love? No, in her lasting marriage, there's a lot of poop getting flung around. In one scenario. God, at least you didn't pick a hippo.
01:06:04
Speaker
Cause the poop, the poop, it's the poop. It was poop related monsters. Hippos when they shit, their tail goes in a circle and it literally fans the poop in the water. Right. I just learned from land. Uh, Lucas and Amanda were recently here and they started me on the Barack Obama.
01:06:24
Speaker
National Park docu-series thing. And I learned through that that hippos are actually a quesun species because they poop in the water and then they fling it around and it is like the basis for a lot of animals? Ecology? What am I trying to say? The like little life that's in the river. Yeah.
01:06:47
Speaker
Um, just to clarify Amara's fact, male hippos mark their territory with their poop. So they spin their tail to fling the poop far and wide. Instant update. Love it. Okay. All right. Wow. That's so cool.
01:07:05
Speaker
Congratulations, Marion. Yeah. This has been my top everything. I'm your winner and your host, Marion. I'm Kara. I'm your super loser this week. Oh my God. Coming in at second with a hot takes is Mara. Me, I'm Mara. That moment when you forget your own name. Yeah, it happens more than I like.
01:07:31
Speaker
See you next time, thank you for listening, email us at mytopeverythingpodcast.gmail.com. Bye!
01:08:01
Speaker
That's Nickelodeon. Were you going to say McDonald's tomorrow? Because we were about to have the exact same conversation that we had at class.