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11. In Love and Learning: The Wisdom Gained from Our Relationships
26 Plays1 year ago
Episode 10: In Love and Learning: The Wisdom Gained from Our Relationships
In this episode of Spiraling Together: A Mother-Daughter Healing Journey, we delve into the complexities of intimate relationships and the lessons we've learned along the way. From the perspective of an adult who has navigated the pain of divorce and now embraces a happy, healing marriage, and a younger woman who’s just taken a big step by moving in with her boyfriend, we share our unique journeys and insights. We talk about the challenges, the growth, and the wisdom that comes from love in its many forms. Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or somewhere in between, there’s something here for everyone.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
Nothing outside of you brings you happiness. True. At all. and And that's including a relationship. A relationship doesn't actually bring you happiness. You bring yourself happiness. yeah
Introduction & Mission
00:00:20
Speaker
Aloha, friends. Welcome to Spiraling Together, a mother-daughter healing journey. I'm the daughter, Chloe, and I'm the mother, Valerie. Our mission is to create a safe, nurturing space where mothers and daughters can begin a journey of healing and empowerment together. Through heartfelt conversations, shared experiences, and our personal insights, we aim to foster deeper connections, strengthen bonds, and inspire growth.
00:00:49
Speaker
Before we dive into today's conversation, we want to take a moment to express our heartfelt thanks to all of you who are tuning in. Your willingness to expand and grow with us inspires us each day, and we are honored to have you as part of our community. If you haven't already, please check out our links below and follow us on your favorite platforms so you never miss an episode. Let's get ready to unravel the spiral. Together.
00:01:19
Speaker
All right, everybody, welcome back to spiraling together.
Theme Introduction: Wisdom from Relationships
00:01:22
Speaker
This is episode 11 in love and learning wisdom we've gained from our romantic relationships. Yes, so this is going to be an insightful episode. um We've definitely had a lot of experience in romantic relationships. Yes. And stuff to share and hopefully that will help and people will resonate with. Yes. So you want to just start out with the fact that you're here. yes You left for two weeks and moved to
Chloe's San Diego Experience
00:02:00
Speaker
San Diego. Yes.
00:02:02
Speaker
And that was, even though I knew you were coming back in two weeks, I had like a whole day of just allowing myself to feel all the feelings of that you were really moving, you know? And I was just like, I just let myself cry and lay around and I think your brother and My husband, Chad, we're like kind of like, are you okay? And I'm like, I am okay, but I'm not okay today, you know? And I am okay. Yeah, of course.
00:02:46
Speaker
I actually hate when people ask that question. Are you okay? Obviously I'm not, but I am going to be. yeah I think that's where it comes from. Like you're going to be okay. It's a very surface level question, but it's also like you, you just gotta let people feel what they feel and, and stop making it seem like it's a bad thing. Right. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, how's it been in San Diego?
00:03:12
Speaker
It's been fun. I mean, definitely just getting used to all of the change. Um, but yeah, it's, it's been good. Definitely like, I feel like cooking at home more now, which is good. Um, and and just adjusting to living with my boyfriend and.
00:03:37
Speaker
three other guys. yeah It's not that crazy. It's just a change. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, my friend has pool too and we swam in our pool a couple of times and you know, I'm mostly just ready to have my truck there so that I can, you know, do things on my own. But yeah.
Impact of Environment on Relationships
00:04:05
Speaker
it's a whole adjustment also moving from Hawaii to the mainland and just like very very different the pace the hustle and bustle of the city it's a lot but which I think really does tie into relationships being in a certain type of energy, that energy of hustling a lot and that energy of not being able to slow down, it can really affect our relationships. Very, very true. And it can cause a lot more triggers within if we're just in perpetual motion all the time.
00:04:53
Speaker
Yeah, it's funny you say that actually I feel like my boyfriend a lot of the time he says like when he's in Hawaii like home here He's like everything's just more chill and you know Everyone's happier and everything is just
00:05:12
Speaker
relaxed and laid back. And then in California, it's like, go, go, go. And then we're constantly around that constantly around that mindset. So it's, it's hard not to fall into that as well. And that's where the importance of the work that you learn in healing can help you anywhere you go.
00:05:36
Speaker
It's just making yourself do the things to slow down, allowing yourself, even when you're surrounded by everyone else that's doing things. That's where you say, Hmm, I have to, I have to take a break for a second. I'll be right back. And maybe you go breathe or maybe you go do something for five or 10 minutes just to bring yourself back into alignment.
Balancing Energies in Relationships
00:06:00
Speaker
Yeah. I feel like, um, I've already noticed myself, like,
00:06:06
Speaker
since it is like a house you know full of people a lot of the time everybody hangs out in the living room and stuff and i've already caught myself like sometimes i know i don't want to hang out down there because i'm just like not in the right energy or whatever. But then a part of me is also like kind of like FOMO-E and I'm like, but I don't want to miss out on the conversation and whatever. But then I'm like, okay, dude, you live with these people anyways. It's fine. Like you're probably not going to miss much, you know, but yeah. True. And let's just bring in the topic of you're living with four.
00:06:51
Speaker
men Yeah, okay and There is a difference between the masculine and the feminine energy mm-hmm regardless of your gender and um The masculine energy is the more go go do accomplish and So for you being like a feminine core energy, it is going to be super important for you to tap into your body and to be able to slow down even if they're wanting to go and do and you know, right? Yeah, it's like going to be really important. um And it's also important to
00:07:34
Speaker
as someone with a core masculine, be able to slow down as well. Like it's it's both. it's That's why we have both of the energies, the the yin and the yang, is so that we can learn to come into balance. But our society is definitely more in the masculine energy um of yeah the going. And I feel like that is why, even in relationships, we can struggle so much because we don't know how to,
00:08:03
Speaker
We don't know what to put an importance of. If we're always going, doing, and accomplishing, we can put things that, you know, like work above our relationship. Yeah. That definitely does happen. Yes, absolutely. I see it a lot. Do you want to talk a little bit about that or is that calling out too much? What do you mean calling out too much?
00:08:32
Speaker
Well, I mean, is it like going into so something that's happening right now? yeah I don't know. Um, I mean, that is, uh,
00:08:50
Speaker
that is something that's kind of happening right now is that trying to understand how to juggle work in a relationship. Um,
00:09:03
Speaker
I think it's, it's a really and important thing to get right because yeah, like when, when you do put your work above like your loved ones and everything, it's as like a woman trying to understand my partner, if they ever do that, it's like,
00:09:28
Speaker
I understand that you're, you know, working hard for me because, you know, you want to be able to take me out to dinners. You want to be able to provide this for me or get that for me. And I think sometimes when I get that mixed up is like,
00:09:49
Speaker
Like I feel like you care more about, you know, your clients or I feel like you're putting more time and energy into them. I understand that you're doing it for me, but you're kind of, you're not balancing it correctly to make me feel also loved at the same time. Like you have to be able to balance it so that
00:10:19
Speaker
I have everybody's winning. and like a and it's It's hard to talk about because it's very different for a lot of people. Yeah, and you have the awareness of understanding that the reason why he, and I've also dealt with this too, that they are putting work at such a high importance to take care of us is because they literally want to take care of us. So you see that, but in then that other part of you is like, but I really also need to feel your love and I need to feel like I'm actually more important than that. yeah And that's what makes me think of the
00:11:04
Speaker
Survival mode that the majority of people live in and a lot of that is because that was the example we saw from our parents that And we felt that like work was more important than anything and of course It makes sense because you have to work to be able to provide shelter and provide all of these things for us to function in the society. But deep down to the core, our need is to feel emotional support and love. And so if you're living in a state of survival, you're not actually seeing anything other than surviving.
00:11:46
Speaker
So we've seen that example from our parents. We see that in society that money is like, if you have money, then everything is going to be fine. And then, you know, your partner's going to be happy because I'm going to provide all these things. But what we really want and we we really need is the emotional love and support. The connection. The connection.
00:12:09
Speaker
Yeah,
Inner Happiness vs External Factors
00:12:10
Speaker
it's what we need. Nobody's gonna stay if you only have money. You don't do anything else for them. Money doesn't make you happy. It really doesn't. It doesn't make your relationship better. It just doesn't. And I think it's fun. I feel like people joke about that a lot. Like, oh, if I just had more money, at least this and this and this would be better. And it's like, yeah.
00:12:35
Speaker
It will help, but it won't help you be happier because money does not equal happiness. it's Nothing outside of you brings you happiness. True. At all. And and that's including a relationship. and a relation A relationship, excuse me, doesn't actually bring you happiness. You bring yourself happiness. Yeah. And I feel like that's like where we
00:13:04
Speaker
in order to heal and to find happiness within for women, especially as being able to create safety within ourselves.
00:13:18
Speaker
You're funny. Why am I funny? Cause we just talked about this earlier this morning. It's just very prominent right now. It is. Yeah. And And I think on a large scale, we as women have felt very unsafe um for a very long time.
00:13:42
Speaker
And I know for me personally in my relationship, you know, especially when I was in the beginning of my healing journey, I i did with what I think a lot of people do when you first awaken to see that you you both have these woundings, you both have these traumas, but the way our society deals with it is to to blame.
00:14:11
Speaker
Yeah. And push away the other person. Like they've emotionally abused me and and it's just blame, blame, blame. But it's not taking an account that you also have wounds also. And when you're in relationship, you attract in the energy you need to heal. Yeah.
00:14:39
Speaker
Right? And it's also just really easy to blame somebody else for the way that you're being treated and easy to focus on the negatives.
00:14:51
Speaker
which I think is a huge thing that I finally figured out. um I think in a lot of my relationships, I, you know, once those negatives kind of started to pile up and almost like that resentment,
00:15:10
Speaker
I would, you know, just keep tallies against them and just keep blaming them for everything. And I, I would never take accountability for, you know, what I was doing, you know, and like, I just, it's easier to blame somebody else than yourself or anything. Yeah.
00:15:37
Speaker
And the difference is when you do a healing journey, you're actually willing to look at the shadow aspects of yourself. right And you're able to bring those to light and to understand why you attracted in this type of relationship. And it usually is to help you heal the parts of you that didn't feel love as a child. Right, definitely. And we've already kind of talked about You know, the types of relationships that you've had as far as like what types of boyfriends that you've attracted in. And yeah, it's you can just once you see it, you can't unsee it that you've attracted in a parent that you have unfinished business with. Yeah.
Self-awareness & Healing in Relationships
00:16:29
Speaker
There's usually a pattern.
00:16:31
Speaker
There absolutely is and I mean there's tons of books and resources and you can psychoanalyze and find out which Attachment style you are and you can find out which you know wounding pattern you have and you can do all of those things and you can like Figure it out and then you can even figure out what your partner is and this that and that's great. It's great to know Yeah But it ah it that doesn't heal. That awareness is just the first step. Yeah. Self-awareness. Figure out what's going on. Why are all of these things continuously happening? And then once you know, work on healing that. Which is coming back to creating the safety within. It's literally
00:17:28
Speaker
being willing to do the things that regulate your nervous system, create safety so that when you are with your boyfriend or husband and there's a triggering moment,
00:17:44
Speaker
you're not already unregulated and come unglued and go into this, you know, wounding pattern yeah within your body where you are triggered and you're going into survival. And then this whole, thing it's like nothing in your world is okay if your relationship, if there's something wrong with it, yeah because you're not feeling safe. yeah And then you try to,
00:18:14
Speaker
make the situation better with your partner so that you feel okay.
00:18:21
Speaker
But once you can learn how to create safety within, even if something goes not wrong with your partner, but if there is a triggering thing within your relationship, if you're already safe within, it doesn't throw your whole day off course or throw everything else off course.
Influence of Media on Relationship Views
00:18:44
Speaker
Yeah, that's definitely something I'm working on right now. And you're doing a wonderful job. This this is a huge process. Aloha listeners. We hope you're enjoying this episode of Spiraling Together. We're just taking a quick break to remind you about a few things. If you're loving what you hear, we ask you to please follow, like, and subscribe to our podcast. Your support helps us reach more people who might benefit from our conversations.
00:19:14
Speaker
and we're on all the major social media platforms. You can find us on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and TikTok. Just search for spiraling together and you'll see all our latest updates and behind the scenes content. We absolutely love hearing from you. Your comments, likes, and shares mean the world to us. They not only motivate us to keep going but also help us create better content for you.
00:19:40
Speaker
So if you have any feedback, questions, or topics you'd like us to cover, please leave a comment or send us a message. We read every single one and appreciate your thoughts. Thank you so much for supporting Spiraling together. Your engagement and feedback are what keep us inspired and passionate about bringing more vulnerable conversations. Now let's get back to the show. It takes time because some of these wounds are so deep. Yeah.
00:20:10
Speaker
You know, they're so deep and it also depends on what you're consuming. Like what media you're consuming. Are you watching people that are just like, Oh, well that person is a narcissist and that person is emotionally abusing you and that person is, you know, bad for you and all of these things. Or are you listening to somebody who is saying, we are all wounded.
00:20:42
Speaker
all of our, we all have wounded inner children and we're not gonna separate the person we love from us because what do we ultimately want? To be loved and to love, right? Otherwise, why would you be in a relationship? Yeah, exactly.
00:21:05
Speaker
but like you said like with the media you consume and stuff and it kind of like correlates to what I was saying like the negativity like it's a lot easier to cling on to negatives and all that stuff but now I meant to say earlier what I've learned is you really just have to like change your way of thinking and They can do one negative and you can think it is so horrible, but then think about the other positive things that they did.
00:21:42
Speaker
Maybe just in that day, they probably did a mountain more of positives than they did a negative. And once you can see that and start to realize that, Oh, there's a human, you know, could have just been a mistake or whatever. Like, you'll get down to it. It's just it is important to once you start realizing the negative that happened, not to spiral down on that negative and then think about all these other negatives, but instead flip it and think of the positives. And, you know, you've probably had arguments with them before or fights with them before, whatever it is, and you you are still with them. So I think you got through it, you know? Yeah.
00:22:33
Speaker
It's a scary thing to go through like just fights are not fun and whatever but no and it's like what you're talking about is kind of like an emotional bank account or like a like um They've done so many wonderful things for you. How could this one act tear all of that down? Well, I feel like the reason why is because that one act is what pushed on your deep wound, that wound that makes you trigger into survival, that wound that brings you into that wounded inner child, and that makes it feel like it's so much
00:23:18
Speaker
Like it is, it's huge at that point. When you go into a wound, like a wound of abandonment, which we've discussed that a lot, um I think many of us women have felt abandoned by our fathers and even our mothers. But because we have that really deep wound of abandonment, it can just feel so overwhelming and so scary when we're abandoned.
00:23:49
Speaker
yeah Even though our partners don't know that they're even really doing that. Yeah. Speaking of self-awareness, I feel like it is kind of crazy how I never really realized that I had an abandonment wound.
00:24:09
Speaker
Until I've like literally a couple of days ago or like I didn't like it accept it until now and So many things make so much more sense Like it comes in layers, right? Mm-hmm Like healing, what if everything hit you all at once and you had a realization about every single wound or every single shadow, you would just like fall apart. Yeah.
Personal Growth & Relationship Dynamics
00:24:40
Speaker
oh We already true fall apart enough when we have certain things that come up. But I think you're able to see it now because you're open. Yeah.
00:24:52
Speaker
And it is like you said, not blaming anymore. It's kind of taking on that responsibility of it is my job to figure out, you know, what, what happened, what correlates to why I feel the way I feel. My part. Yeah. How I show up. But it is never,
00:25:15
Speaker
still allowing certain behaviors to happen that hurt us. Like if our partners truly do something, that do hurt us. And um we just go, oh, it's just their inner child. and And we just like, you know, allow a certain type of treatment to happen. That's not okay either.
00:25:39
Speaker
Yeah, well, this kind of relates. I brought this up a while ago. I keep getting this quote that comes up that we accept the love we think we deserve. And that's like, obviously, mostly in romantic relationships, but most relationships, you know, if you if you're just like used to a behavior that keeps happening to you and you know it makes you really upset but like you're allowing it to happen by not doing anything about it you're allowing it to happen by not taking care of yourself because you have to realize that self-care if you're actually choosing to do that
00:26:26
Speaker
you're not gonna stand for when people make you upset and you're not gonna let them upset you anymore. You're worthy of getting the love you deserve and you should think you deserve the most amazing love in the world because you do.
00:26:45
Speaker
yes and And you really hit it on the head. It's the self-care. The more self-care that you're doing, the more regulation of your nervous system, the more that you're going to have the confidence to set the boundaries and limitations with others, yeah and the more that you're going to be able to speak your truth.
00:27:06
Speaker
and feel confident that that's okay. Because the person you're with, you really should be able to speak your truth in a loving way, of course, and they should be able to honor that, your truth. Yeah. I'm definitely getting better at that. Yeah, of course. I mean, this is a journey and every little step that you take,
00:27:36
Speaker
is going to give you more and more confidence to know that the reason once that we allowed these types of relationships to come in is because we weren't able to be in the truth of who we are. And it does take time and awareness. And I think I wanted to segue a little bit into
00:28:08
Speaker
some realizations that I've had more recently with my relationship. So in the beginning of my healing journey, when there was the blaming that I went through, I blamed my husband and i then I tried to force him to start doing personal growth and spiritual growth. It doesn't work.
00:28:39
Speaker
yeah You cannot force your partner into growth. um You can hope that with your example, they will want to have growth, but you can't force them to grow. um You can definitely
00:29:01
Speaker
Like if you really are being, let's say, emotionally abused or any type of that, there's you can say i'm you know that that behavior makes me feel unsafe and I would really like you to start looking at that within yourself. um But mainly it's the changes that happen within you that they begin to want to to also keep up with you.
00:29:28
Speaker
Yeah, it's inspiring. Yes. They see you taking care of yourself. They see you doing breath work. They see you reading books and listening to podcasts and showing up differently and also speaking differently to them. Yeah. Not shaming them and and not hurting them.
00:29:55
Speaker
Yeah, there's always a different perspective that, you know, shows you or that will change your mind, I guess, like,
00:30:11
Speaker
I remember, um, like, okay, we talked about this book in the last podcast and we already talked about this, but, um, the empowered wife book. I remember you sent that to me and kind of like my first thought was like, why would I change the way that I'm acting so that his life is better in a way? It was almost like a, why is it my responsibility to change so that he in turn is better?
00:30:42
Speaker
And then I was like, okay, dude, just listen to the book a little bit. And that the way that she writes it, it really changes. Like it really changed my perspective because instead of thinking like, why do I have to change? Like, you know.
00:31:07
Speaker
I was like, I can choose to be nicer and I can choose to react to things better. Like if we if we know that our partners react in certain ways to us and we continuously do them it's never going to change and that same loop is going to keep happening and you know and unhappiness in the relationship will keep showing up because the same thing happens if you don't change and like the more I listen to that book the more I realize like
00:31:49
Speaker
relationships can be pretty simple. They really can be like, it's not most of the things that we do get upset about triggered about can get resolved and, you know,
00:32:09
Speaker
We can change the way we say things, change the way we show up for people, and in turn, everything is better. And everyone's happier, and there's more love. And that that's it, what you just said. It's love. Real love makes changes. Real love makes evolutions happen within ourselves and are all the relationships around us. Anything that is below love,
00:32:40
Speaker
like fear that our relationship isn't going to work out or fear that our partner doesn't love us or anger towards that person or judgment or distrust or any of those wounds that are below love, that those are the wounds that take us into the patterns that create the trauma dramas, that create all of those different things. So loving ourselves, we can love our partners better.
00:33:12
Speaker
That's really where it comes from. yeah you know Opening our hearts to really knowing that we do and we are worthy of love. And so are they. So are they.
00:33:26
Speaker
yeah I wanted to talk about another book because it's just like a perfect book. yeah um The Inner Work of Relationships by Matt Nash, the yoga couple. So they wrote this book, it's literally, I have it actually right here. I'm just gonna bring it up.
00:33:51
Speaker
the inner work of relationships. It's an invitation to heal your inner child and create a conscious relationship together. This is a guide book and it and looks pretty thick, but basically they have broken it down into the different wounding patterns that we do have from our childhood. And they have it to where you can figure out what your triggers are, what the traumas are that brought you into that wound, and then how you can resolve that together. There's kind of like a little bit of an area where you you know write out questions or write out answers to questions. it's It literally is the most loving guidebook to relationships that I've ever seen. And the reason why I also genuinely
00:34:46
Speaker
recommend this is because the authors live their life like this. you know it's To me,
00:34:57
Speaker
when you read a book or have listened to a podcast or any of the things and you're getting information from someone else, but you don't really know how they live their lives truly,
00:35:12
Speaker
I know Matt Nash personally. They don't know that I'm talking about this on here. They're not endorsing it. But they truly live their lives the way that they've written this book. And it's beautiful. yeah And they've been a huge inspiration for my marriage.
00:35:32
Speaker
As a matter of fact, like it was one of the things that I kind of forced Chad to do was they had a namaste challenge. And I was like, will you just do this with me? Just do it with me. Just do it with me. And he did kind of reluctantly, but he did. And he immediately just resonated so much with Matt that it really opened this whole thing in our relationship.
00:35:58
Speaker
So invite your partner to do things, but if they're really, really, really resistant to it, they're probably not going to fully do the program. Yeah, that's true. But yeah. Yeah, that book is definitely on my...
00:36:16
Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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00:37:34
Speaker
You don't have to like, like going into this journey doesn't mean you have to constantly consume. Like allow yourself to read the book or finish the book and then start applying it to your life. Integrate it into your life and see if you can integrate that in and then move on to something else. right And also take time to enjoy life. Enjoy your relationship.
00:38:03
Speaker
Yeah, so the healing journey isn't always about doing work doing work yeah doing work doing work. Yeah You feel like you have anything else that you want to as far as um relationships I don't know I mean, I have a lot to say about, I know. I mean, there's so much to say. yeah Um, i I think that I will, I will just say, you know, my first marriage did not work out. Definitely. You know, we ended in divorce. I'm not going to go into too much of that, but I know that I didn't have awareness about any type of personal growth. Super young.
00:39:02
Speaker
I got married really young, kids young. There was a lot. This second marriage that I have, I'll just say it, started out like a trauma bond.
Psychoanalyzing Trauma Bonds
00:39:16
Speaker
An absolute trauma bond. Definitely happens a lot.
00:39:21
Speaker
Yes. And I have dissected and picked it apart and psychoanalyzed and all of the things. And a lot of the people I see the relationship that we have, most people don't make it because they do the blame thing and they push it away. And, but it has been Without this relationship. I wouldn't have even had an awakening. I don't think I think that that's the thing that sometimes we miss is that if we can allow our relationships to be a mirror into what we need to heal It's a freaking gift
00:40:08
Speaker
It's an absolute gift. It doesn't mean it's easy because you're having to look at all these aspects of yourself that you brought in and maybe you're not gonna want to hear this but we have all learned narcissistic traits and they show up in relationships.
00:40:30
Speaker
Yeah, because I've seen the traits in him and the traits in me and I've seen all these different things
00:40:38
Speaker
But once you really see the spiritual significance of a relationship and what your soul was meant to learn through these relationships, it can take you to such an elevated place in your life.
00:40:54
Speaker
It's even hard for me to put into words. I truly don't think that anything else in my existence has pushed me to evolve as much as my relationship with Chad.
00:41:12
Speaker
Dang. Yeah. And I'm literally like today. He said, thank you.
00:41:25
Speaker
for us doing the work that we've done together because he kind of saw like what you were going through this morning. who I mean, yeah, he saw that and he goes, I've seen this happen in people who are even older who are just living in this state of like trauma together what's coming up. I don't know, it's just cute.
00:41:53
Speaker
Yeah. He's, I know he said, thank you. And I was like, you're welcome. Because for the longest time, it, it was like a, oh my gosh, like, why is she making me evolve and grow? And there was so much, there was so much resistance for so long. Because change is uncomfortable.
00:42:15
Speaker
And I do think a very common thing that happens in relationships, long-term relationships, is things don't get worked on. And then it becomes the norm. And people still don't change because they just don't, they resist change. well And that's so normal. We're habitual look beings. The majority of relationships, I'm sorry, but they're not great.
00:42:46
Speaker
How many relationships do you know that are really loving and supportive of one another? They're hard to come by. A lot of relationships are just like, oh, we're married. I mean, you get stuck
Marriage Perceptions & Media Critique
00:43:00
Speaker
in these contracts and getting a divorce is a whole ordeal, but you just see people living in these unfulfilling relationships.
00:43:13
Speaker
That is the majority. The majority of you know people like my people's parents that I know like haven't lasted or it it just seems like such a normal thing that people get divorces nowadays that it's so discouraging.
00:43:35
Speaker
Like I remember for the longest time, I was like, I'm not getting married. i My boyfriend now is, and I've told him this too, he's the only boyfriend I have ever been like, I would marry you.
00:43:51
Speaker
Yeah, like he knows that That's the first time I've ever heard you say that as your mom I mean you well you not today, but with him you've told me that yeah, and yeah for the longest time I heard you saying I'm never getting married I'm never having kids, and I was like okay I Get it. I'm still working on the wanting to have kids part definitely not now. no I mean you're still really young and I That's a whole different conversation. You don't have to worry about that right now, like at all. We don't. Yeah. But I also.
00:44:28
Speaker
When Chad told me that earlier today, what came up for me was that because of what he went through growing up, his mother had been divorced and remarried multiple times. And I'm so grateful for that because what he learned is I am not giving up on this.
00:44:56
Speaker
And so there were times where I, there's no way other people we would have lasted, but because he was like, I'm not giving up on this because of that trauma that he experienced, it actually helped. Yeah. And I told him that because that's, I think that's like one of the reasons why it's taken me so long to like,
00:45:22
Speaker
even want to decide that like I would marry someone. Sorry. No, no, but you know what I mean. It's like you saw me get divorced. Yeah. And it's, it's hard seeing that going through that as a kid, of course, going through that as being getting a divorce. I can imagine. Um, but it It's just a hard thing to witness, whether you're a part of it, outside of it, involved, whatever. Because it's a so it's a really sad thing, you know? Like, it's absolutely awful. I feel like when you're, when you like, you know, dream of getting married and a wedding and all this stuff, it's like,
00:46:10
Speaker
Everyone's like, oh, it's the most amazing day of your life. It's the beginning of your life and everything. And then to see that like break apart is devastating, especially you're supposed to grow in relationships. You know, of course you're going to change, but it's like you hope that you're going to do it together.
00:46:34
Speaker
But what do we actually see in movies and Disney and all of these things? It's like our happy ever after and all of these unrealistic relationships. You grow up seeing that in movies, these love stories and this passionate love making and all of these things. And then you get into relationship and you both brought a suitcase of trauma together actually.
00:47:01
Speaker
and then now what do you do? I do think the most wild thing that we do is depict like marriage and a husband or a wife as like so you're so in love like oh I just knew he was the one like all that and it's like that is just so not real like we i feel like we're we grow up with this skewed reality of what the one should be and like a soul mate and this idea that there you're going to find the one
00:47:47
Speaker
and it gives you this hope that it's gonna be so obvious who it is and there's not gonna be any new problems and it's gonna be so easy and perfect the one is like perfect it's just if you look for the perfect person you're never gonna find them i mean if you're looking for someone that you're never gonna fight with never There's no way. You're gonna be wasting your time. That's not realistic. and i And I believe that's why there are so many issues is because we have a very unrealistic reality of what it's like to be in relationship. It is it does take
00:48:33
Speaker
choice, I choose you, I choose to love you, I choose to work through things, I choose to honor myself and honor you, and I am not going to think that everything is just gonna work out unless we both put effort to work out.
00:48:55
Speaker
right And we bring love into it. Yeah. And even me just saying like, my boyfriend's the first guy I think I would marry. But then she's talking about this incident this morning. I was just crying over something that happened last night. And, you know, I was like asking for their, you know, advice or help and everything. And
00:49:21
Speaker
Look at how fast you moved through it, though. Yeah. and that's That's another thing that is so important. When you're starting to do the work on yourself and within your relationship, it doesn't mean that things aren't going to happen. I mean, Chad and I, our relationship has evolve evolved to a level that I didn't think was possible with another human being, but we still have things that come up. How fast can you turn come back to love?
00:49:50
Speaker
How fast can that happen? I know for me, and I'm sure you too, you've had incidents and it's drug out for freaking days. You're hurting for days, yeah if not longer. And you're living in this cloud of just like, my whole world is so awful because my relationship is not working out right now. Yeah. Cause that, you know, that person's like,
00:50:21
Speaker
most important person in the world to you. Yeah. And the person that you really are receiving the love that makes you feel loved for generally. Exactly. And what's so beautiful about what you experienced this morning is you were able to tell him how you felt and
00:50:42
Speaker
He you can say stuff. He was able to listen to you and honor your feelings. yeah And he did. And I do believe that that is really important when you do have a disagreement with someone else that you can't tell them how they feel if they tell you that they were hurt.
00:51:04
Speaker
They're hurt. Don't tell them they weren't hurt just because you didn't mean to hurt them. Doesn't mean you didn't. Hopefully you can listen and... Yeah, I was gonna say. That's something that...
00:51:18
Speaker
I feel like I struggled with when like I wanted to tell people how they made me feel. It was like, I don't want you to know that you disappointed me because I hate when people say that I disappointed them because it sucks. I feel like you did something wrong. um But I've gotten better at you know actually being able to say stuff. and I think it helps. It helps your relationship so much more because, I mean, they don't want to disappoint you. And if you tell them what it is, you know, and you might have to tell them a few times, but it'll get worked on and not everything gets fixed with a snap of a finger.
00:52:10
Speaker
You know, right.
Healing Personal Traumas for a Safer World
00:52:12
Speaker
That's true. And I want to bring in the aspect of there are good men and good women. You know, there's a ah huge, feels like right now within our society, a lot of women are like, there are no good men and they're completely against men.
00:52:37
Speaker
And with good reason, you know, this whole man versus bear thing that a lot of people believe that, you know, they'll choose a bear because they're unsafe with a man. But there really truly are safe men. And for us to make an impact on the entire world and to bring in more safety with men, the safety comes within us.
00:53:06
Speaker
and then we can help create the safety within our relationship. And we are able to stand up for ourselves. Yeah, I've had a lot of problems with this because... Men are scary. um But I have... Are all men scary? No, because yeah, I have...
00:53:30
Speaker
you know, realize that you really can't put everybody in a bubble and, um, just because you might've been hurt by somebody before doesn't mean that same kind of person is going to hurt you in every single scenario or pers- or what am I trying to say? You know, you just have to change your perspective. It is like what I said with that book, like,
00:54:01
Speaker
I was always so defensive about it and like, you know, why is it my me responsibility to change my thinking or change the way I act? But it's like that, that quote, the energy you give is the energy you receive. If you think everybody is mean, awful, scary, you're going to keep encountering mean, awful, scary people, you know, like,
00:54:32
Speaker
Yeah. And, and I do want to backtrack a little bit because I, I understand where the man versus bear, like where that comes from and what that's talking about the abuse, you know, that we have definitely had a lot more as women. Um, I've also experienced it. And so I'm not being insensitive to that in any way. Um,
00:54:59
Speaker
It's really being able to understand though, like as a a larger scale of what we're here to do is when we are healing and turning to love, these types of traumas and atrocities are going to be less and less in our world. And it starts with us. And when we blame and say that all men are unsafe,
00:55:28
Speaker
Again, that's a lower theme of consciousness and it's a lower vibration and it perpetuates that type of abuse. And so it's.
00:55:41
Speaker
healing the parts within ourselves as women that have been hurt, that have been violated, really getting down deep and and taking that energy and that frequency that doesn't serve us anymore.
00:56:02
Speaker
And then the world in turn will become a safer place. Other women, other men will be safer because we're all healing together.
00:56:15
Speaker
True that. Mm-hmm. Well, i relationships are a very... um They're complicated. Yeah. bye since They can become simplified if we decide to do our own inner work on ourselves and really truly look at our shadow aspects and what we're bringing in from our childhoods into a relationship.
00:56:43
Speaker
and wanting to evolve past blaming and victim consciousness. And so I am just really proud of you that you are doing such beautiful work to learn what your own wounding patterns are, to speak your truth with your partner.
00:57:08
Speaker
I've come a long way. I'm proud of myself too. Yay. Good. Yes. Yeah. I'm proud of you too. I've seen you and Chad's relationship evolve a lot. Yeah. And it's awesome to see.
Conclusion & Audience Engagement
00:57:24
Speaker
It's an inspiration. Yay. I'm glad. Well, I think we're wrapping up. Yeah. All right. I'm so glad you're here for this little time and yeah.
00:57:40
Speaker
All right. We would like to ask you guys to please like, follow, subscribe. um If you're listening on Spotify, leave us a five star review or Apple podcast five star review. We would love that. And on YouTube, if you would like, obviously subscribe and even leaving a comment. um I do want to give a shout out to my friend Natalie.
00:58:08
Speaker
yeah i I've met you. I know that you're going to end up watching this episode. I met you on TikTok and you've been one of my biggest supporters and I just adore you and thank you for following and listening to our podcast and anyone else that leaves comments will give shout outs too because yeah we're growing and it's fun. And it's really awesome getting to read the comments. It's really motivating to keep us going. Yeah, absolutely. All right, let's end this episode with, don't judge her, just love her.