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Family Dynamics
37 Plays9 months ago
In this heartfelt episode of The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast, I sit down with Anastasia Arauz, a seasoned expert in family dynamics, child development, and play therapy. Anastasia brings a wealth of experience from her years as a middle school teacher, elementary school counselor, and certified play therapist to the table, offering invaluable insights for parents navigating the complex world of family life.
Anastasia's journey began with a degree in Elementary Education from Appalachian State University, followed by a Master of Arts in Counseling from North Carolina Central University. Her passion for helping children and families led her to further specialize in Couples and Family Counseling at UNC Greensboro, where she earned a Post-Master Certificate. Anastasia’s dedication to the well-being of families is evident in her work, including her private practice in Jacksonville, NC, and her commitment to play therapy, where she served on the Board of the North Carolina Association of Play Therapy.
During our conversation, Anastasia shares her expertise on creating a balanced and healthy family system, with a particular focus on how parents can foster positive relationships with their children. She offers practical advice on managing the inevitable challenges that come with parenting and emphasizes the importance of understanding each family member's unique role within the family dynamic.
For moms listening, this episode is a treasure trove of wisdom on how to build a supportive, nurturing environment for your family. Anastasia’s approach combines professional knowledge with a deep empathy for the struggles parents face today, making her insights both relatable and actionable.
Key takeaways from this episode include:
- Understanding the different roles within a family and how they impact overall dynamics.
- The significance of play in child development and how it can be used as a therapeutic tool.
- Strategies for fostering open communication and emotional resilience within the family.
- Tips for parents on how to maintain their own well-being while managing family responsibilities.
Whether you're a new mom or a seasoned parent, Anastasia’s guidance will inspire you to look at your family dynamics with fresh eyes and equip you with tools to create a more harmonious home life.
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Transcript
Introduction to Podcast and Guest
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey moms, it's Laura Olinger.
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast.
00:00:05
Speaker
Because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
00:00:08
Speaker
Hello, welcome everyone today to this episode of the Positively Healthy Mom podcast.
00:00:13
Speaker
Today I have Anastasia Aruz.
00:00:16
Speaker
I'm so excited to introduce you all to her.
00:00:18
Speaker
She has a wealth of knowledge.
00:00:20
Speaker
She's been in the parent coaching business and therapy business for many, many years.
00:00:25
Speaker
And so Anastasia, what can you tell us about your background just to set the stage for today?
Transition to Family Coaching and Systems Theory
00:00:30
Speaker
Yeah, of course.
00:00:30
Speaker
So my background started as a elementary school teacher.
00:00:34
Speaker
And from there, I was a school counselor.
00:00:35
Speaker
And then I owned my own private practice doing therapy, which led me to parent coaching, family coaching.
00:00:42
Speaker
So I've tied everything together at this point.
00:00:45
Speaker
I love that.
00:00:45
Speaker
Yeah, it's kind of like you cover the gamut.
00:00:47
Speaker
You've seen it from all sides and you're a mom yourself.
00:00:49
Speaker
So you get to see it from that angle as well.
00:00:52
Speaker
So as far as addressing the moms and how we can help them today, I know that you're really passionate about helping moms understand what their family system is and kind of get a kind of a definition, working definition
Understanding Family Systems and Roles
00:01:06
Speaker
for that.
00:01:06
Speaker
And then maybe as a coach, from the mindset of a coach, figuring out where they are now and where they would like to go and how to close that gap.
00:01:14
Speaker
So how do you really address the family systems?
00:01:18
Speaker
Yeah, of course.
00:01:18
Speaker
So there is family systems theory.
00:01:20
Speaker
So I've kind of taken some of it from that, but this is really my own take on family systems theory.
00:01:25
Speaker
So I look at families as a system, as a whole compartment of many different things.
00:01:31
Speaker
And so each of us play a role in this system.
00:01:34
Speaker
And so if one part of the system is not working properly,
00:01:39
Speaker
or having some struggles or issues, it's gonna throw the whole system off.
00:01:43
Speaker
And it's gonna be a really stressful, chaotic environment until everybody gets just grounded and gets in a place where they feel like they are in the flow or they feel like they are not struggling as much.
00:01:55
Speaker
So I really try to help families and moms just get, help them see where the breakdown is, where the struggle is and what's happening to create that flow in the home.
00:02:06
Speaker
Yes, I think that's so important.
00:02:08
Speaker
I'm not sure that moms, you know, we're all so busy, we're running around in our daily lives, we don't often take time to like step back, get this bird's eye view and kind of analyze our own family system.
00:02:18
Speaker
So when you do see a breakdown, and assuming you're working with the mom, I know in the past, you did work directly with the kids, how do you then address that to help them kind of shore up that, you know, kink in the system?
Involving Both Parents in Family Systems
00:02:32
Speaker
Definitely.
00:02:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:33
Speaker
So I try to, I initially, it's usually with the mom and then I try to bring, if there's a partner, I try to bring a partner in.
00:02:39
Speaker
So we're working together to, to understand what they value in their family, what they want their week to look like, their day to look like.
00:02:46
Speaker
So we really focus on what everybody's doing.
00:02:50
Speaker
and how much time things take up.
00:02:52
Speaker
And really, the first thing I usually work on with people is just like a schedule and just kind of understanding where everybody is.
00:02:58
Speaker
And then from there, I can see where the breakdown is with each person, if people are doing too much, if someone's having things happen at school.
00:03:06
Speaker
So we really get into conversations about each individual person in the family and how they are doing.
00:03:12
Speaker
And then from there, we're able to start figuring out where to focus.
00:03:17
Speaker
I love that.
00:03:18
Speaker
That's great.
00:03:19
Speaker
And so what happens when, because I, as you described this, I immediately am going through my roll decks of like clients, friends, kind of thinking, what would they say about this?
00:03:29
Speaker
And times, and I find this in my own practice that parents come to me and they see a problem with their teenager and in their, I'm putting words in their mouth, but they're saying, fix my child.
00:03:44
Speaker
Right, and I'm sure you've seen that as well.
00:03:46
Speaker
And so how do you really help the parent see that they have a very large role in that situation?
00:03:55
Speaker
Yeah, of course, that's really hard, right?
00:03:56
Speaker
Because I see that all the time.
00:03:58
Speaker
That's a lot of why I changed what I do, because when I was working with the kids,
00:04:02
Speaker
It wasn't getting to the root of
Exploring Family History and Unique Parenting Needs
00:04:04
Speaker
the problem.
00:04:04
Speaker
So when I'm working with the families, I really try to establish a lot of connection with the parents to kind of just start going backwards a little bit.
00:04:12
Speaker
I mean, I don't get real deep into like, well, I do sometimes actually, that's not even true.
00:04:16
Speaker
Just going backwards of like the birth story, what happened in the toddler year.
00:04:20
Speaker
We have a lot of conversations of how it ended up at this point.
00:04:24
Speaker
And then we do a lot of the why, a lot of curiosity of why things are happening.
00:04:28
Speaker
And we just break that down, even to the point we'll get into the, the parents will start talking about how they were raised and how the things that went on with them and how they're bringing that in.
00:04:37
Speaker
And so just a lot of talking and communicating about just from the birth to what, where we're at right now.
00:04:45
Speaker
So then they can start seeing and the wheels start turning like, oh, there's been a problem.
00:04:48
Speaker
I just didn't catch it back there.
00:04:51
Speaker
So that problem just keeps getting larger and larger.
00:04:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:54
Speaker
And then helping parents seeing not just that they have had a role in that, but also that they have the ability to kind of troubleshoot and problem solve themselves with the assistance of you or maybe someone like me, some type of outside third party, you know, unbiased professional who's just there to help.
00:05:13
Speaker
Because I do see a lot of
00:05:15
Speaker
parents still, even if they get the, like, you know, I kind of do that a little bit too, like get the backstory.
00:05:21
Speaker
And I often see them kind of like blaming it on their child's personality type.
00:05:26
Speaker
Well, she's so stubborn or he's really this way.
00:05:29
Speaker
Right.
00:05:30
Speaker
And so sometimes it's, it is trouble for them to like make that connection.
00:05:33
Speaker
And so I think I'm really interested in, in, you know, maybe you have a story you could share about a client, obviously, um,
00:05:41
Speaker
you know, following that confidentiality that we all follow, but, you know, that someone that maybe made that transformation that was having a hard time seeing their role in this, in this family system, and then having that parent developing that self-awareness and that kind of like, aha, I'm sure is incredibly rewarding.
00:05:59
Speaker
I don't know if anybody comes to mind off the top of your head, or if it's just kind of like a general blanket statement you could make.
00:06:06
Speaker
Yeah, definitely.
00:06:06
Speaker
Like a few families come to my mind.
00:06:08
Speaker
I tend to, whatever reason, I have met a lot of families that have children on the spectrum.
00:06:14
Speaker
And so those children, they're challenging at times.
00:06:17
Speaker
And so I'm thinking of one family where it was really hard for them to accept that child was on the spectrum and that they needed to be parented differently than the other children in the home and that it just looked different.
00:06:32
Speaker
And having them understand that
00:06:35
Speaker
when they, as the parent, rush them or don't,
00:06:39
Speaker
or blame right away or trigger them, it's going to look different than with a typically developing child.
Providing Unbiased Support and Managing Stress
00:06:45
Speaker
So having them see the aha, like I actually am creating some of this chaos and struggle with this child because they need parented a little bit differently.
00:06:54
Speaker
And I really try to have no judgment.
00:06:56
Speaker
And I don't think anyone's ever doing anything wrong or on purpose.
00:06:59
Speaker
It's just seeing things differently and having someone like you or me come in and just give a different objective, give a different viewpoint of what's going on.
00:07:08
Speaker
Well, absolutely.
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's never about, you know, the judgment, we can't help them if we're in a state of judgment, but it's really just being about this kind of unbiased neutral third party who's really just there to help and be a mirror to them so they can maybe see some of those patterns that they are, you know, involved in.
00:07:24
Speaker
So the next kind of
00:07:27
Speaker
part of this conversation I want to go to is about that daily stress and kind of like those daily struggles that we all deal with.
00:07:35
Speaker
And we're all, you know, we all have our triggers, especially as parents, when our kids keep doing the same thing over and over again, or whatever it is that there is their, you know, strength, every, all the kids have their strengths and they all have their weaknesses.
00:07:47
Speaker
I'll give an example.
00:07:49
Speaker
My own, in my own family,
00:07:52
Speaker
I've got four children and all teenagers and right now two of them are in braces but they're wearing those Invisalign tray things.
00:07:59
Speaker
Well my younger child, young guest actually who's 11 wears them flawlessly she never loses them she switches them every Sunday exactly how she's supposed to do it.
00:08:08
Speaker
My 13 year old he keeps losing them the dog keeps eating them he is a disaster.
00:08:13
Speaker
And so it's like, I feel myself like in my own triggers, like getting annoyed.
00:08:18
Speaker
Oh my God, now I have to take him to another appointment.
00:08:20
Speaker
Now, why can't he be organized like his sister?
00:08:23
Speaker
All those things.
00:08:24
Speaker
And I'm like, I'm doing, I'm being my own client, right?
00:08:26
Speaker
So sometimes even ourselves, we coach ourselves.
00:08:29
Speaker
So, you know, what do you do with kind of like those daily stresses and kind of untangling those patterns?
00:08:37
Speaker
Definitely.
00:08:38
Speaker
I always try to help moms and dads
00:08:41
Speaker
see that they can't control everything and things will happen during the day and it is going to be challenging but if they have the time and space for themselves if they're able to ground themselves if they're not in a state of flight flight constantly they are going to be able to handle it better and those triggers aren't going to be as triggering because i find so much of us are so busy we're working so much there everyone's just every minute of the day is so like rushed and planned
00:09:10
Speaker
that I really try to get parents and folks to see to what can they take off?
00:09:15
Speaker
What can stop?
00:09:15
Speaker
What kind of things can you take off your plate a little bit to where you do have those moments in time where you can address things like this?
00:09:21
Speaker
Because, yeah, you're going to have to go to the dentist again.
00:09:24
Speaker
You're going to have to make the appointment, which takes time because you've got to call.
00:09:29
Speaker
And so all of those things are going to take time.
00:09:32
Speaker
And if you're already working eight to five, your husband or wife's working eight to five, it's really hard to get those things done.
Characteristics of Healthy Family Systems
00:09:39
Speaker
And so really helping people see that it's not just the day and the things that are happening right in the moment.
00:09:46
Speaker
You have all these extra things that can happen.
00:09:48
Speaker
And so giving yourself that padding, I guess you could say, to allow those things to be able to happen without being so stressed out.
00:09:55
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:09:55
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:09:56
Speaker
And I think that's also going in the direction I'm interested if we could create an image or paint a painting for people on like an unhealthy family system or a really kind of destructive dynamic family system versus like a healthy one.
00:10:13
Speaker
And what does that look like?
00:10:15
Speaker
Yeah, that's hard.
00:10:15
Speaker
I mean, I can see it in my mind too.
00:10:17
Speaker
And it's basically not a lot of rushing.
00:10:20
Speaker
Lots of time where people are able to be relaxed.
00:10:22
Speaker
There's not screaming.
00:10:23
Speaker
There's not yelling.
00:10:24
Speaker
There's
00:10:25
Speaker
There's talking to each other, there's communicating, the phones are put away, not everyone's on their devices all the time, people are following directions.
00:10:33
Speaker
And you are gonna have all these moments where there are gonna be the struggles with the boundaries, but you have to have that time and space and
00:10:41
Speaker
the ability to be able to parent.
00:10:44
Speaker
And if you're exhausted and you're tired, you're not, you're going to be snapping and you're going to be yelling because it's just too much.
00:10:51
Speaker
We, I think we all just do too much.
00:10:53
Speaker
And so that's a big thing.
00:10:54
Speaker
I've really talked with families is trying to help them see and figure out ways that they're not doing so much.
00:11:01
Speaker
So they are able to handle little things that are triggering or,
00:11:06
Speaker
um just extra stuff that comes up that makes sense absolutely it totally does and sometimes um i've given parent workshops and i had a mom stand up and she said well this all sounds great and she goes i have no way of implementing this advice because i she's i think she was a teacher and she said she works with teenagers all day
00:11:28
Speaker
she's exhausted she gets home she's got her own teenagers she's got the typical family grind of dinner and homework and all that stuff and she's like i just start yelling she's like everybody's yelling and it's and it's and and i said well what could you do i know you don't have you know can't take the afternoon off but could you take five minutes in the car before you walk in the door could you take 10 minutes could you do some of the brie i just taught them some emotional regulation exercises could you do that
00:11:52
Speaker
Even if you could just, like you said, center yourself, ground yourself.
00:11:55
Speaker
So that way you are becoming the person that you need to become to handle the challenges that you have for that rest of that evening.
00:12:02
Speaker
Right.
00:12:03
Speaker
So like that's, that's kind of the stuff that I work on clients with.
00:12:07
Speaker
How does that resonate with you?
00:12:08
Speaker
Oh, I feel the same way because I think there's so much pressure put on us as parents.
00:12:13
Speaker
If we are working all day that we don't have the ability to come home and be rational sometimes because I, I mean, I work in the way I've formulated my life and my schedule is I've tried to make it a way where I don't snap and I'm not triggered because I can make my own schedule.
00:12:28
Speaker
And I used to have my own private practice, but I honestly closed it.
00:12:31
Speaker
So I would have more flexibility.
00:12:34
Speaker
And I think
00:12:36
Speaker
I think people can have mixed more flexibility in their jobs, but I think we're just so set sometimes that it's really starting to brainstorm ways of how to have that flexibility as parents with careers, with jobs to where maybe you're going in later, the partner, if you're having a partner, I mean, if you're single, it looks different, but trying to figure out ways to, um,
00:12:57
Speaker
have the time to parent the kids because the kids need our time and they need our focus and they need our attention and they need us not to be in that fight flight.
00:13:05
Speaker
And we are all living on this roller coaster constantly.
00:13:09
Speaker
And I, it's just, that's been my passion is just really helping families.
00:13:14
Speaker
See, we don't have to live like that.
Adapting to Evolving Teenage Needs
00:13:16
Speaker
We don't have to live on this roller coaster constantly.
00:13:18
Speaker
And we're just also used to it, that it just seems normal.
00:13:22
Speaker
Right, right.
00:13:24
Speaker
And one of the other things I'd love to pick your brain on this.
00:13:27
Speaker
So one of the other things I teach a lot of my clients and I teach in workshops is parenting styles.
00:13:33
Speaker
And so I kind of help people assess, you know, where they are now.
00:13:36
Speaker
Are they a helicopter parent?
00:13:38
Speaker
Are they a dismissive parent?
00:13:39
Speaker
Are they, you know, authoritarian parent or kind of like the goal would be to get to the authoritative, you know, the equal between kind of boundaries and warmth and nurturance.
00:13:50
Speaker
And, you know, what are your thoughts?
00:13:52
Speaker
Like, what do you see with your clients and their challenges within parenting styles?
00:13:57
Speaker
Yeah, I see it all over the board.
00:13:59
Speaker
I actually talked to a mom the other day where she feels like she's too strict on her kids and she wants to let up a good bit because she feels like she
00:14:07
Speaker
is causing them so much stress that then I'll have another parent that they're just like very free with their boundaries.
00:14:13
Speaker
So I do think there can be a balance and I think we can mix it.
00:14:17
Speaker
And I do think that kids are so it's easier to repair with them.
00:14:21
Speaker
And if you are not doing a perfect job, it's okay.
00:14:24
Speaker
Just apologize to your child and every day is a new day.
00:14:27
Speaker
And so that's the other thing I really stress is every day is a new day and every week is a new week.
00:14:31
Speaker
And you just keep plugging along, hopefully just one incremental little
00:14:36
Speaker
better step every day, just getting a little bit more calm every single day.
00:14:40
Speaker
Totally, totally.
00:14:41
Speaker
And as you described, you know, these stressed out parents, the ones that my brain kind of instantly, well, they're all stressed out, but the one that my brain went to was that dismissive parent or the avoidant parent, because they're having a hard time kind of co-regulating or emotionally regulating their child.
00:14:59
Speaker
And they kind of see their child almost as an annoyance or a nuisance because they're so busy, whatever they're doing.
00:15:05
Speaker
It could be career.
00:15:07
Speaker
It could be they're just, you know, love to party.
00:15:09
Speaker
Maybe they love to do whatever it is that's not engaging emotionally with their child.
00:15:14
Speaker
And that's where I see like a lot of breakdowns in that family system where it's just this vicious cycle of, you know, the child needs the parent, the parent's annoyed.
00:15:22
Speaker
So they push the child away, but that makes the child need the parent even more.
00:15:25
Speaker
And then that's where a lot of yelling comes in.
00:15:28
Speaker
And so that was just kind of like my light bulb moment.
00:15:30
Speaker
Did you have any light bulb moments as we were talking about this?
00:15:33
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I see that all the time.
00:15:34
Speaker
And it's funny because I know you work with teens.
00:15:36
Speaker
And one of the things that I think is a myth is that teens don't need us as much.
00:15:41
Speaker
And that parents go back to work because the teens, I think our teens need as much as just as much as our toddlers and our elementary kids.
00:15:49
Speaker
And so I agree with you.
00:15:50
Speaker
It's like they need our time.
00:15:52
Speaker
They need our eye contact.
00:15:54
Speaker
They need us to be very present.
00:15:56
Speaker
And I think people just don't understand or they forget what it was like when they were that age.
00:16:02
Speaker
And so I really try to help people remember, like, what was it like with your family when you were in high school?
00:16:06
Speaker
What did it look like?
00:16:07
Speaker
What were the like the boundaries or the things you all had in place at home that worked?
00:16:15
Speaker
And so, yeah.
00:16:17
Speaker
Well, I think that's a great point because I think that is, you know, one of these myths about when a teenager does kind of need their parent, it looks different, it sounds different, it feels different than when their child was much younger.
00:16:31
Speaker
And that's when parents do start to get triggered.
00:16:33
Speaker
I mean, we get triggered when they're having their tantrum when they're two, but we also get triggered when they're teenagers and they're being sarcastic or they're eye rolling or they're slamming their door.
00:16:41
Speaker
They're like, you're not fair, you're mean or whatever.
00:16:43
Speaker
you know, because we're holding a line or holding a boundary.
00:16:46
Speaker
And so just like having, bringing to parents awareness, I think in this conversation that
00:16:52
Speaker
you know, to kind of like dig deeper behind the behavior and say, what's under that?
00:16:56
Speaker
Like, why is this happening right now?
00:16:58
Speaker
And so that they're like less triggered and they can get some space and say, really understand like, okay, I think my teenager needs me to listen to them right now.
00:17:05
Speaker
Or I think, and then maybe ask them.
00:17:07
Speaker
Like a lot of times it's like, you know, do you want my advice?
00:17:10
Speaker
Do you just want me to listen?
00:17:11
Speaker
Like, what are you needing from this?
00:17:13
Speaker
And just allow them to let them know.
00:17:15
Speaker
What do you think?
00:17:16
Speaker
Oh, totally.
00:17:17
Speaker
I think that is great, being curious and letting them, asking the questions, not just assuming, giving them the space that they
Modeling Growth and Encouraging Communication
00:17:24
Speaker
need.
00:17:24
Speaker
And I think, too, we forget, and I forget that I've been in this field for so long, kids are developmentally are so different at each age.
00:17:31
Speaker
And I just don't think a lot of times parents realize that or even cognitively think about it.
00:17:36
Speaker
So I really try to help people see the different developmental levels, like you were saying.
00:17:41
Speaker
I think that's such a great point.
00:17:43
Speaker
of the teenager needing you in such a different way and what it looks like is different and this is what it looks like and this is pretty normal and just explaining that to them and then they're like oh yeah i guess that would be so sometimes i think people don't even realize what it is supposed to look like and then that triggers them yeah yeah and how has your profession made you a better mom you've got three younger and some older ones tell us like what you've implemented in your own life because of what you do
00:18:11
Speaker
Oh yeah, of course.
00:18:11
Speaker
So I had children later in life.
00:18:13
Speaker
I have two stepchildren that my husband had before we got married.
00:18:18
Speaker
And I was older.
00:18:19
Speaker
I was 40 when I met him, 37 when I met him.
00:18:22
Speaker
And so I didn't really have children in my life until that point.
00:18:25
Speaker
And so I had a lot of training in schools before.
00:18:28
Speaker
And it's made me more present.
00:18:30
Speaker
I will tell you that it's made me much more present and aware of
00:18:33
Speaker
of how fast it goes, how much they need and how different they all can be.
00:18:40
Speaker
And just to give them grace and give myself grace.
00:18:43
Speaker
Cause I still do a lot of the same things everybody else does.
00:18:45
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I will yell.
00:18:47
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I am not perfect.
00:18:48
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I say this thing sometimes and I'm like, why would I say that?
00:18:51
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I'm like, though I also was, I was a child.
00:18:54
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And so we have all those things in us that we repeat what our parents do.
00:18:58
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And so a lot of it is just being very present and conscious of what I'm saying.
00:19:02
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So I'm just, I try to be a very conscious parent and just every day, just trying to do the best I can, but it is difficult.
00:19:08
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I have an 11 year old like you.
00:19:09
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And right now,
00:19:11
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He's in that transition phase of that preteen and that attitude starting.
00:19:16
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And it's me taking a step back like, OK, I can handle this again.
00:19:19
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We can do this.
00:19:20
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But it's tough.
00:19:21
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It's tough to watch them get older and parenting differently at times and catching yourself and making sure you're doing the best you can.
00:19:28
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Yes.
00:19:29
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Yeah, absolutely.
00:19:30
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Yeah.
00:19:30
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I, too, kind of catch myself or like something's about to come up like, nope, it's like rewinding today.
00:19:36
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You know, flat out, sometimes my kids have, you know, politely shared maybe what I could have done instead.
00:19:45
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I was actually really impressed.
00:19:46
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So there's a story that I tell last year, my boys were both on a basketball team.
00:19:53
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And the younger son got in the car and he said, oh my gosh, the ref was so unfair.
00:19:59
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He was calling it every foul on our team and not on the other team.
00:20:04
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And my kind of instinct was to be like, oh, buddy, you played great.
00:20:07
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You had the great free throw at the end.
00:20:09
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And my other son said, mom, that's not what he wants to hear.
00:20:14
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I was like, oh, yeah, you're right.
00:20:16
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He doesn't want me to try to cheer him up or tell him how great he played.
00:20:20
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He wanted me to get in that feeling and empathize with him and feel like, oh, my gosh, that ref totally.
00:20:26
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Or even if I didn't agree with the ref, just say or like with his assessment of the ref, I could have just been like, oh, my gosh, that was so frustrating.
00:20:33
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Or I know.
00:20:34
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Right.
00:20:34
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you know and so it's funny how just as i continue to do what i do i try to you know call myself or have my kids call me on you know when i am like oh i could have done that better you know so good and i think it's really cool that you were able to then not be offended that he said that to you you didn't get mad because you're the parent you like took what you said and were like yeah you're totally right and so we do that here too i do that all the time like yeah you're right i need to take a step back
00:21:01
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Or I'll mess up, like my one son's really into video games.
00:21:04
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And so he has a time limit.
00:21:05
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We're pretty strict with it, but he can earn extra minutes by doing various things.
00:21:10
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And so I messed up his minutes one day and he's, he got very mad.
00:21:14
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And so instead of me being like, no, I'm right.
00:21:16
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I know I'm right.
00:21:17
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We had a nice discussion over the minutes.
00:21:20
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And so it's also, I think when we were growing up, it was looked at is like this hierarchy, like I'm the parent, I'll tell you what to do.
00:21:26
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And I feel like now we're at a place where
00:21:28
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Where it's everyone respects each other.
00:21:30
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And it's really looking at those kids.
00:21:32
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It's like, they're humans, just like us and just respecting them and talking to them like you would talk to another person, not having not feeling like you have to be the one that's like talking down.
00:21:43
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I love that.
00:21:44
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That's such a great thought.
00:21:46
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And, you know, my example, and then kind of you echoed that back is when we mess up that we can make a mistake or admit a mistake.
00:21:53
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Like you're like, oh, I messed up the minutes on the, you know, video game.
00:21:57
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And the other day I was texting my daughter and she was exhausted.
00:22:00
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She had worked like a double shift at her job.
00:22:03
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And she thought I was being mean and she kind of misinterpreted.
00:22:07
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But instead of like arguing back with her, well, I'm not being mean.
00:22:11
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I was just like, I get it.
00:22:12
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And it's like, okay, we'll just talk about this later.
00:22:14
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But I think like being able to lead by example with saying, hey, I messed up or hey, I was wrong or just, hey, I get that it's not a good time is such an amazing model for the kids because then they will be able to say, oh yeah, mom, I messed up.
00:22:29
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Or later in life when they're with a partner in a relationship or even a job saying, oh yeah,
Family System Dynamics and Modern Parenting Research
00:22:34
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I messed up.
00:22:34
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Just like that is one of the hardest things for humans to do
00:22:38
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is to admit all and if you could just make it like a normal part of life and like it's no big deal we all do it it just I feel like is great training creating great resilience for kids so okay as we wrap up I mean we went we went through family systems is there anything we left out of that that we should uh re re bring back up
00:22:57
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No, I think it was good.
00:22:58
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I mean, unless you had any other questions about it, I mean, that's basically how I look at things.
00:23:01
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Sometimes I talk about it looking like a car as like my example, a car has four wheels.
00:23:06
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And if one of the wheels is flat, it's not going to run very well.
00:23:10
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So I give that example a lot of times it's like a healthy family system.
00:23:14
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If you have one child that's really struggling, it's going to throw the whole family off.
00:23:18
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Or if your husband is really struggling or you're really struggling, it'll throw everybody off.
00:23:23
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So just kind of getting a handle on where everybody is is important.
00:23:26
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Okay, awesome.
00:23:27
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So I love that visual.
00:23:28
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That's great for people to remember.
00:23:29
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And then just kind of talking about daily life and daily stresses and how even carving out whatever it is that we need to carve out to slow down so that we can be more present.
00:23:38
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I love what you brought up about being present and being very self-aware when you are interacting with your kids.
00:23:44
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And then last, we kind of just talked about, you know, when we make mistakes, we own them and we don't take offense.
00:23:49
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And I
00:23:50
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My actually favorite part of what you said was just respecting your kids.
00:23:55
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So many of us, you know, grew up in those old school families where that wasn't the way it was.
00:23:59
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And now things have kind of evolved.
00:24:00
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And really the research shows that if there's any parents who are listening to this and they're like, oh, no, the old way is the good way.
Connecting on Social Media
00:24:06
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You know, I just encourage you to do some research and look at parenting styles and look at, you know, what research proves to have the most, you know,
00:24:14
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resilient, thoughtful, empathetic, kind, responsible kids that we can create and help be a part of their lives.
00:24:21
Speaker
Okay.
00:24:22
Speaker
Anything else before we, before we wrap up?
00:24:25
Speaker
No, that's it.
00:24:25
Speaker
I think that was great.
00:24:27
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I think you summarized it really well.
00:24:28
Speaker
Okay, cool.
00:24:29
Speaker
So where can people find you going forward?
00:24:31
Speaker
Yeah, of course.
00:24:32
Speaker
So you can, I hang out on Instagram mostly.
00:24:34
Speaker
So it's anastasia.aruse.
00:24:36
Speaker
And I think that's the best place.
00:24:38
Speaker
Everything is on there.
00:24:39
Speaker
You can find my website there.
00:24:40
Speaker
You can find my programming there.
00:24:41
Speaker
So yeah, check me out on Instagram.
00:24:43
Speaker
Okay, perfect.
00:24:44
Speaker
Well, thank you, Anastasia, for taking the time.
00:24:46
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And well, I'll be I'm already following you.
00:24:48
Speaker
But hopefully everybody else will find you follow you.
00:24:51
Speaker
And I look forward to bringing you back in the future.
00:24:54
Speaker
Thanks for having me.
00:24:54
Speaker
I really appreciate it.
00:24:55
Speaker
It was really fun.
00:24:56
Speaker
Thanks.
00:24:57
Speaker
Awesome.
00:24:57
Speaker
Thanks.
00:24:58
Speaker
Thank you for listening to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, because there's no manual for the hardest job in the world.
00:25:05
Speaker
Don't forget to subscribe and share with your friends.