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One-Year Extravaganza w/ Emerson Lee
15 Plays1 year ago
Can you believe it? One whole year of The Ugly Podcast! I’m so proud of my little bundle of joy, and to celebrate, my original co-host and lifetime creative partner, Emerson Lee, joins me for a vulnerable conversation about coming to terms with the messy middle. We’re both painfully honest about where we’re at with our businesses, and I had to come down from a monster vulnerability hangover afterward, which I’m sure will rear its head again as I officially release this episode. But I think it’s important to share with you all how things are going and how I’m truly filled with so much self-doubt these days. But the important thing is that I’m not letting it stop me from looking ahead and celebrating what I’ve accomplished in one year of podcasting.
We talk about the limitations we place on ourselves, coming to terms with our art when it doesn’t yield fame and fortune, and the futures of our businesses and exciting things to come. If you haven’t already, go follow Emerson on Instagram at @letsmakemoments for education around disability justice, dementia, and living fully. You can also purchase their MoMoMaps and Treasure Hunt sessions at makinghappymemories.com/services.
References:
Medora Frei’s memoir, These Are My Flowers: My Story of Composting Trauma Into Colorful Art
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Background
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back to The Ugly Podcast. A quick note before we jump into the episode, Emerson and I were very excited to record this episode. And in all of the excitement, I did not have them actually introduce themselves. So I'm going to do it for them. So my original co-host, Emerson Lee, is an end of life and disability doula who focuses on the entire dementia journey from pre-diagnosis to continuing bonds after death.
00:00:28
Speaker
and neurodiversity of all kinds. They are certified dementia practitioner and certified Montessori dementia care professional. And they've got a lot of really amazing things going on about how we can live more fully, not only if we get dementia one day,
00:00:45
Speaker
or when we get to mention one day, but also just in our everyday lives.
Social Media and Online Presence
00:00:50
Speaker
You can follow them on Instagram at Let's Make Moments, or you can find their website, makinghappymemories.com to learn more about their services, the Momo Maps, and the treasure hunts. I hope you enjoyed this episode. It's very special to me. I had a great time. Thank you, Emerson, for joining me. I love you so much.
00:01:13
Speaker
Welcome to the Ugly Podcast. I'm
Podcast Evolution and Anniversary
00:01:15
Speaker
your host, Lauren Alexander, she, they, and this is the place where creatives are encouraged to make messy, ugly art and let go of perfectionism.
00:01:24
Speaker
I started this podcast with my creative partner, Emerson, and we've since grown into our businesses. And this podcast is now evolving into a space where I interview other creatives to discuss our creative processes and how we navigate the mental mind field of creativity. This podcast serves as a reminder that you and your art get to be whatever the hell you want to be, ugly and all.
00:01:54
Speaker
This is appropriate. This is the one year anniversary show of the ugly frickin' podcast. I need those air horns. Yeah, dude, I literally am going to pull something up. Please do.
00:02:28
Speaker
I don't know why it sounds atrocious. That was so much worse than I anticipated. Perfect.
Diagnosis and Alignment with Work
00:02:38
Speaker
For anybody listening who recognizes The Voice with me, my original co-host, the person who started this podcast with me is back. Yay. It's Emerson.
00:02:52
Speaker
Yeah, it's me. So thank you for coming back and joining me. I purposely have like two questions I want to ask. But otherwise, I just figured we would just catch up since the last time you were on. And so I did a bunch of research for this. And by research, I just went back and listened to all of our old episodes.
00:03:17
Speaker
It's very interesting to see how the podcast has evolved. Especially just starting off, we were talking so much about just entrepreneurship in general, and now it has shifted so much to creativity and stuff. So that was very interesting. I mean, it's always been an integrated part of it because creativity was what really fueled our entrepreneur journey. But yeah, all that to say is I missed you.
00:03:46
Speaker
I missed you too. So how have you been? Tell everybody what you've been doing and how things have been with you.
00:03:55
Speaker
Oh my gosh. So I also have like no structure, but I wrote a very short list and it starts with autistic and three excellent. Yeah. That's how I've been. I've been quite autistic. That's the biggest change. Um, last November I sought out a diagnosis and found out that I have been autistic for 30 years and didn't know it.
00:04:20
Speaker
So that's really exciting. I love it. I tell people I welcome congratulations, not condolences. Yeah, it feels really good to not be pretending to be neurotypical. And that correlates with my work very closely for those who don't know I work in
00:04:41
Speaker
the field of dementia and specifically in the field of like helping people living with dementia to have the best possible lives. And so I'm exploring a lot more of like kinship of people who have different kinds of brains and how we all have fallible brains and that's okay. And really celebrating that. And that's been a really, really cool shift.
00:05:03
Speaker
Yeah, I loved watching that shift. What did you change your title to again? I am a disability doula now. Yes, I love it. It is it's so appropriate for what you do. And just I mean, how you've been living for your entire life, like since you've started advocating for yourself, which you've been advocating for yourself as long as I've known you, you are constantly looking for
00:05:27
Speaker
How can I make this situation better for myself and for others around me? And it is of no surprise that this is the direction that you're going in. I love hearing that reflection from you because of course I've been living inside of it, but it's cool knowing other people have seen it too because it really is.
00:05:46
Speaker
so tied into my own journey for now decades slash my whole life. And yeah, it really does feel like the most I have to offer as a disability doula is my own lived experience of having to fight so hard and accommodate and explain and research and try different things and be on that journey myself. And of course, some prevented that with professional knowledge as well. But yeah, I appreciate you seeing that that is very tied into my own journey.
00:06:18
Speaker
Yes. All right. What else you got on that list of yours?
Momo Maps and Dementia Care Innovation
00:06:22
Speaker
Momo maps. Yes. I'm just going to say things that don't make sense at first. Yes. So the other thing that I'm doing is sharing a tool that I created. Uh, it's like my favorite thing ever and is the foundation of all the work I've done with people living with.
00:06:43
Speaker
dementia and my own joy practice and so I'm sharing that with the world and that feels really good to have like this tool that I am like this is my thing I brought it into the world and now I want everyone to have one so that's that has a lot of momentum for me behind it and it's momo stands for more moments and it also is what we call my grandma so that has been really beautiful yeah um
00:07:10
Speaker
Yeah, so that also is happening and that feels really, really good. I think for a long time when we were talking on this podcast, I think we both felt like we didn't quite know yet what we were doing or what we had to offer. And I feel like we both found things that feel really aligned and that's really, really cool to experience and witness in each other as well.
00:07:34
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. I think it's funny you bring up just like kind of comparing where we are now versus where we were when we first started this, because obviously as I was contemplating on this episode, OK, looking back on a year of doing this. And what was frustrating to me for a little bit was that I felt like I've largely been standing still.
00:08:02
Speaker
And I know I haven't, but it's that, and I know I've done so many things, but it's still that, it's that unavoidable, unescapable feeling of nothing's different, even though everything is different. And I went to one of Frankie,
00:08:24
Speaker
Frankie Doodle Dandy's on Instagram, one of her church of bread and roses nights, which if you don't know what those are, they are just kind of these beautiful reflection times that Frankie hosts on Instagram live that are just a really beautiful way to connect with yourself at the end of a weekend and at the start of your week.
00:08:46
Speaker
When I went, she talked about this feeling and I was like, Oh my God, the universe. But this feeling of when you, when you feel like you've been standing still and you feel like you've just been going around in a circle.
00:09:01
Speaker
It is this idea of shifting that perspective to then thinking, what if instead of on a circle, you're on a spiral? And so you feel like you are standing in the same place. But if you look down, there are layers and layers of other circles behind you. And you have just been traveling up this spiral. And you're still, you might have some of those similar feelings, but you have so much more experience behind it now. And that has really been helping me shift how I'm viewing what's happening.
00:09:30
Speaker
and how I'm feeling right now. And I love, okay, so this is kind of, I'm kind of just, I'm just bouncing around. I love what you're talking about Momo maps, because in some of the earlier episodes, you were really like you, you mentioned Momo maps at the time, they were called happy maps. And you had that like, fear of like, sharing it, like being really concerned about like, copyright and, like,
00:09:57
Speaker
Oh, I just I just don't know like how to share this correctly. And I love seeing how you have embraced it moving forward of like, I want this in everybody's hands. I want it everywhere. It's just backed by so much love and excitement for this project. And I'm yeah, I love seeing it. Seeing it flourish.
00:10:19
Speaker
Thanks. I love your spiral idea, because I do feel like what I'm offering now is very aligned. I also feel like I am so much less far on the journey than I'd like to be, especially financially. That part's really hard. I'm like, cool. I've done a lot of presentations. I've
Business Growth and Creative Reflection
00:10:39
Speaker
done a lot of education. I have worked with a lot of people, but it has been just not anywhere near a living.
00:10:49
Speaker
you know, that's, it's hard to not quantify it that way. But I think about that spiral. And to me, the core of that spiral is like the why and the energy behind what we offer. And I'm always close to that. And you're always close to that for yourself. And so it feels like we're just kind of circling the same thing, but we should be, we should be circling the same core thing and just getting, you know, ascending further up it. Yeah.
00:11:18
Speaker
I love that addition to what you're spiraling around. That's really cool. Yeah. Do you want to share anything about where your spiral has gone over? I mean, you've been sharing things as you go, but you have the opportunity now to talk just about yourself instead of talking with someone else and their things.
00:11:39
Speaker
You're so right and my stomach just did a little Because I have been able to like turn this on to other people I'm just like I want to hear what you're going through Instead of like actually looking at what I am doing because I still I don't know I still feel like an ugly mess a lot of the time, but that's kind of my thing It works out Yeah, so I
00:12:07
Speaker
One, I've really enjoyed where this podcast has gone, just in terms of who I've gotten to speak to. I had my dream guest come on, Heather Buchanan, if you haven't listened to that episode, go listen to it because it's fantastic. And so so many of these things have happened that have been so positive, but
00:12:30
Speaker
It's interesting how you have these expectations of what's going to happen once you hit that milestone or once you get that dream client. And then when nothing really changes after that, you're like, oh.
00:12:44
Speaker
Okay. So I'm not famous. Great. Not that I wanted that, but just, you know, it does make you kind of look more inward of like, why am I doing this? Because this podcast is lovely and I love it. But if you're listening, you are one of not that many people.
00:13:07
Speaker
They're fewer than 100 people, I think, maybe, listen to this podcast. And that's fine with me. But it's an interesting way of viewing our art. We have to come to terms with how many people are seeing it and how many people like it and what are we OK with and what are we actually looking for.
00:13:29
Speaker
And I think for me, just the act of doing this and the practice of letting it exist in its imperfect form and knowing that it's not this big sensation and that's okay, and loving it regardless.
00:13:46
Speaker
a process that I think I'm still actively in. And I think we all kind of have to come to terms with that with our art. So yeah, that's kind of what I'm at least with the podcast. That's where I'm at.
00:14:04
Speaker
I have to keep talking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, my business has has been going pretty well. I've gotten a couple new clients recently editing clients, which has been really nice. And my.
00:14:27
Speaker
Freelance Editors Club, run by Tara Whitaker, has been just such a great support. Finding that community has been essential. And we're going through these marketing challenges and really pushing each other to get down how to do business, because business is freaking hard. And so that's, yeah, it's been good. And also making my business feel more like a job at times.
00:14:57
Speaker
Whereas it has been more like fun, creativity. And now it's like, no, it is a job you have to do. Which is both good and bad because good, like I've made more money this month than I have the entire time I've been in business. Not total, but like.
00:15:15
Speaker
per month, anyway. But also like, I'm stressed man. It's so much different to run it like a hobby we care a lot about than a business that is designed to make money. And that is a huge shift that I am still in.
00:15:38
Speaker
And doing that while maintaining the amount of passion and the heart centeredness and the creativity. It's a lot. Yeah, it feels like you have to kind of turn on and off different parts of your brain at times. And it is like so much of the the model of how to make money is, you know, neurotypical. And so, I mean, by
00:16:07
Speaker
many accounts, I am neurotypical and I still don't get it. I was going to say the concept of neurotypical and what everyone is supposed to be able to do is just trash. I love that you say that because that's something I love to share more about on my page and moving towards. I don't necessarily think that neurotypical is the opposite of a diagnosed neurodivergent person.
00:16:36
Speaker
I think that neurotypical is a way that I think of anything that's really traditional and structured and formulaic. I don't like reading a lot of neurotypical books, by which I mean books that are like, this happened, and this happened, and this happened. I like a unique voice, a unique setting, a unique structure and way of telling it, and same with
00:16:57
Speaker
just anything. I like anything that's just doing something differently and creatively and interestingly, like letting our brains explore different things. And that's what I think of as the opposite of neurotypical. And business is usually quite neurotypical. And this is interesting because as I'm saying this, I'm thinking like, how can I have a successful business that's not neurotypical?
Sales, Social Media, and Complexity
00:17:24
Speaker
to harness the non-neurotypical side of things and be successful. Because it's a balance. You have to take some of it, but then also you have to see beyond some of it. Yeah. It's hard. It is hard.
00:17:41
Speaker
I was just thinking, as you were talking, even before you mentioned that, I was thinking about how two quantifiers for business that feel very prominent are dollars and likes on social media, or follows, or mostly likes and follows is what we tend to look at.
00:18:01
Speaker
And how neither of those necessarily mean much about your business. And you can be, I mean, obviously your business isn't financially thriving, but I feel like my business is thriving as far as the people I'm working with, the things I'm talking about, the content I'm bringing into the world. But the, you know, those quantifiers aren't where I had hoped they would be. And it's really interesting.
00:18:25
Speaker
some space I've been holding for myself around that is that both sales and social media are very complex social processes that require a lot of knowledge I haven't had until now. And it's just strategy that
00:18:41
Speaker
other people have been running and I have not. And so that's liberating to be like, Oh, it's not just that I'm trash. And so I can't make money and I can't get followers. It's like, Oh, I haven't been like my, a lot of my colleagues have done sponsorships and then they get tons of followers. And I'm like, Oh, that makes so much sense.
00:18:59
Speaker
Yeah. And it is comforting to know. I mean, at times it feels like I've been doing this for so long. And then I am like, oh, no, I have not. I haven't even been doing this for two years yet.
00:19:14
Speaker
And so, yeah, but then obviously that comes with its own, its own set of self-doubt and, you know, well, like, why am I even talking?
Overcoming Business Challenges and Self-Doubt
00:19:26
Speaker
I shouldn't be talking. I don't have nearly enough knowledge to share with people. So how dare I talk about this stuff? Whichever way. You've either been doing it too long and you're not successful enough or you haven't been doing it long enough.
00:19:38
Speaker
Right, exactly. We're just too hard on ourselves altogether is the is the lesson. And we need to just give ourselves a goddamn break. I think I would like to take this moment to acknowledge that for both of us being two years into our business, we are doing quite well. I think so. We're doing really well when you look at all the different things we've done and brought into the world and people we've connected with and
00:20:08
Speaker
like conversations that have been had and work with people that has improved their lives and their work and their art. We're doing great. I think so. I like to think so. Yeah.
00:20:23
Speaker
This is just going to be an episode of congratulating ourselves. It should be. It is our one year anniversary. You said it was the one year anniversary of the podcast and my brain was like, that's not real. It's been like three to five years, hasn't it? I both feel like it was yesterday and was 10 years ago.
00:20:48
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like it's been like a decade since we started our businesses and it has not. Nope, it sure hasn't. It just ages you, I guess. Honestly, time goes so much slower. It's so interesting. And also faster. And I think a lot of that is that it's not a neurotypical structure. When you're self-employed, you're setting everything up yourself. And so you're not doing this nine to five that, you know, our brains process in a different way. Yeah, definitely.
00:21:20
Speaker
We have this idea that everything we do has to be good or have value. This belief leads us to burn out. It can hold us back from creating altogether. But in my Ugly Art 101 course, I break down these restrictive beliefs and lead you through exercises that intentionally subvert perfectionism and bring playfulness back into your creative process. You can get the first day absolutely free by going to my website, scribeandsunshine.com and signing up on the homepage. Join me in my weird ugly art revolution. Back to the show.
00:21:53
Speaker
So I thought it would be, uh, fun to talk about what are some of your favorite ugly moments from the past year. Um,
Perfectionism and Video Practice
00:22:06
Speaker
like creatively anything or anything. One of them has been that I've been taking videos in one take lately and just embracing
00:22:19
Speaker
whatever happens. And that's been really cool, because it lets me get the message into the world faster. So it's efficient, but it's also allowing my brain to just be as it is. And that's been really nice. I like that, that adding that bit of ugliness, that's like, it's really practical to be like, I don't have the time, I'm just gonna put this thing out there. Because like, and that goes along with your work, like,
00:22:46
Speaker
If we perfect it, it's never going to be out there and it's nice to have it out of us.
00:22:54
Speaker
Yeah, I was thinking about this just the other day because I recorded a video and I was just like, I thought it was like kind of funny. And then I was like, yeah, I'm just going to post it. And then a thought came into my brain of like, no, people aren't going to get this and it's going to come across the wrong way. I'm like, I'm going to just rerecord it. And then sure enough, I couldn't figure out what exactly I did want to say. I was like, I should not have deleted that original video.
00:23:17
Speaker
Well, so I love that concept and I'm going to try really hard to implement that going forward because yeah, I have definitely been feeling the self-doubter on social media a lot more recently. And I've also been trying to step away from social media and not spend so much time on it. And so then when I do show up and I'm like, okay, I'm going to make this video.
00:23:42
Speaker
And I take too long on it. I'm like, nope, I'm taking too long. I'm just going to step away from it. Yeah. But, you know, the ugly the ugly mentality would would suit me well with my social media. I mean, it has suited me well, and I've used it well, but I've been. Yeah, just experiencing more self-doubt recently, and I think that's normal now.
00:24:08
Speaker
Do you have any idea why you've been feeling more self-doubt around it? Good question. I think some of it has to do with that belief that
00:24:23
Speaker
You're that like everything you do has to be, has to take off, has to like go viral, has to get you a sale. Um, and a lot of the stuff that I do don't get me those things. So.
00:24:46
Speaker
And I'm currently the sole contributor to my household right now. And we're OK financially for a short term of time, but I don't make enough money for us to survive off of for long term. So I think there definitely is some of that feeling creeping in of,
00:25:13
Speaker
Yeah, like I better get my shit together Because I'm the only person making money right now and like what am I doing if I'm not like? Like am I just wasting my time doing all of this? even though I Know that I would be doing all of this
00:25:30
Speaker
Anyway, like if, if I were by myself and just trying to survive as I am, this is what I would be doing because I love it. And like, sure, I might have to get like a part-time job on the side, but like I, this is what I would be doing. So that
Financial Stress and Business Management
00:25:45
Speaker
does lend some like confirmation of like, yes, I want to be here. This is, I'm doing the right thing. But there is a lot of that doubt that creeps in of like.
00:25:55
Speaker
You better hurry up and get your shit together. Um, yeah, I think a lot of it's coming from that. It's really interesting you say that because my spouse is potentially leaving their job soon. And I have both, both in this time and just in general, I have that like survival sense too of like, Oh my God, like I have to, I have to start making money because I have to survive. And I.
00:26:21
Speaker
I think about that a lot, like the urgency that that lends our work. Like if I just knew that I would get a small amount that I needed each month, I don't know if I'd be doing anything differently, just like you're saying.
00:26:36
Speaker
I think I'd still be doing all the same work, but I don't think that I'd be working late on a Friday because I feel like this thing needs to get done because I'm on this deadline of make money soon. It's a very stressful element of self-employment, which people always talk about, the lack of job security.
00:26:57
Speaker
that actually living inside of it and that visceral sense of like, I don't feel safe because I don't have the security net that I need is really scary. It is. And there's just a lot of self trust that you need to build up. And like, I've done a lot of work to build up that trust, but you know, it's like anything. It's not like we're perfect human beings. And as soon as we learn a lesson, we learn it forever.
00:27:25
Speaker
We learn things and then we slip back into our old coping mechanisms and then we have to relearn things. So I think that's kind of a lot of the feelings that I've been having recently is just like, yep, that self-doubt spoken its head up again. And I have to remember that I have built up this support around me and I have built up a business and a network of people where I have the tools to succeed financially.
00:27:55
Speaker
And I'm going to be okay. I've only been doing this for two years. I'm always continuing to climb up that spiral. And it's just a matter of reminding myself of that and trying to find safety where I'm at. And this is why we need universal basic income. Truly, it would liberate us so much to just do the work, just do what we want to bring into the world and not have that survival.
00:28:25
Speaker
Yes. And everyone deserves that. That's what sucks. What would everyone mean if we all had that support? Mm-hmm. Exactly. Yeah, everyone deserves this.
00:28:45
Speaker
Yeah, this episode is going to be vulnerable. I'm going to be really scared to put this one out. But here we are sharing ugly moments within owning a business. It happens to all of us.
00:29:02
Speaker
And I think that talking about the ugly moments is so vital because I didn't know for a while that your business is supposed to still be struggling at two years. I've seen a lot of things out there being like, especially with coaching, which we're kind of in a general coaching sort of role, that you don't make money for a while. That it takes a lot to build up clientele and to know exactly what you're offering, to know the systems you're offering to people.
00:29:30
Speaker
If you don't just start a business and have all of your tools and you know, everything ready to just give to people and it takes time to develop it. And there's just so much. And when we don't talk about that, then everyone just thinks that they suck all the time.
00:29:46
Speaker
Yes, exactly. And it's, I mean, it's the same with anything it's the same with sharing your creativity it's the same with coming up, like, growing into your creative life sharing your writing sharing your art. If you've never done it before.
00:30:00
Speaker
like you don't have the tools, the coping mechanisms, the connections. And so just that stepping into that sphere becomes even more terrifying. And so I think the more we can demystify this process of like, yeah, it's terrifying and it's going to suck for a while. But it's also wonderful and amazing and we love it at the same time. That is that's all I want is I just want to demystify that. Yeah, because it's
00:30:29
Speaker
Like whenever I hear somebody say like, oh, I just couldn't do that. I just had a person in one of my networking breakout rooms today be like, yeah, I'm an editor. I do write, but I could never share it with anybody. And I just wanted to grab their face through the screen and be like, yes, you can. Because that's where I was at. It took me so long to be like, no, I can be this person too.
00:31:00
Speaker
I could just imagine the face he must have made being like, just not able to say something. Oh, no, I did say something. Good. Good. I'm glad. I was just like, I used to say that too. I can't remember what I said, but something to the effect of like, we're going to get you one day.
00:31:23
Speaker
I love saying that kind of stuff because I have that with working in end of life and dementia as well as just like smaller things too like getting tattoos or having really short hair. Like people will say that in casual conversation like, Oh, I can never do that.
00:31:40
Speaker
And it's honestly one of my least favorite things to hear. I find it very like, um, I haven't even pinned down the word for it. It just feels like it's almost other rising in the sense that they're like distancing themselves from like, Oh, that's, that's
00:31:55
Speaker
you know, something that I like, they have a boundary between themselves and the thing that you care about, like, especially dementia, I'm like, it shouldn't be a thing that people are like, Oh, my gosh, I could never it should be like, well, yeah, it's around and we can support people with it. Um,
00:32:10
Speaker
So yeah, it's, it's hard for me to hear that. And I like to challenge it with a nudge like that, like, Oh, actually it's a really fun thing. Like I really enjoy the people I work with or like, like you said, like I used to be really scared too, but I shared it and now I, you know, I've won contests and it's great. Um, that kind of thing can just be that little seed for someone. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're right. It is, it is this other ring and this, uh, in this like,
00:32:39
Speaker
I don't think people mean it this way, but this is how I now take it as like a self-deprecation because I, I, maybe not deprecation, maybe deprecation is the wrong word, but like.
00:32:54
Speaker
you're limiting yourself in what you can experience in this life. And people do this to trauma survivors too. When people go through these horrible experiences and people say, I could never do that. I don't know how you're doing this. It's like, people are resilient. People can do so many things.
00:33:18
Speaker
It's just, you're limiting yourself by saying, I could never do X. You could do X and you will do X if you have to, but we stay where we're safe and where we're comfortable for as long as we possibly can. And then we pointed other people who are outside of that box and like, Oh no, I could never. Yeah. Yeah.
00:33:43
Speaker
That was nice to talk about because that comes up a lot and it bugs me so much. So that was a good cathartic one. Yes. Yeah,
Breaking Self-Imposed Limitations
00:33:52
Speaker
me too. I get that a lot with like tattoos and when I cut my hair short. Yeah. Everything you just said, you already listed these things. I love like that just brings me back to over 12 years ago when neither of those things were true for either of us. So that's just fantastic.
00:34:12
Speaker
I know. Well, and I remember when I first got my half sleeve tattoo, it was the biggest tattoo I'd ever gotten. I only had one other small one. And I was just going right in. I'm like, yep, just give me a half sleeve. Here we go. And I was really scared.
00:34:28
Speaker
There was this moment where I was like, oh my gosh, am I the type of person that can actually do this? I really love tattoos, but I don't know if I'm the type of person that can X, that can do, can go get this giant tattoo on my arm. And ever since then, I have been so, I have felt so free and like free to express myself in multiple ways and get other tattoos and just decorate my body in ways and have more agency over how I look and
00:34:58
Speaker
You know, it's, it's empowering to take that step outside of, Oh, I can't, I could never do that. Yeah, it is. I, I feel like both of us are wanting to nudge people out of that. I could never do that. So it's.
00:35:15
Speaker
hard to hear it. Because we're like, yes, you can actually. Yes, yes. Well, and like, that's this. Okay, that's the whole thing. The whole thing. Like, with this podcast, I never thought I would be able to do this. I never thought that I would write a book I did. I truly I think, as I was re listening to old episodes, I have a string of things that I never thought I'd be able to do x, x, x, x, x.
00:35:43
Speaker
That sounded like it was dirty. Just triple X. But there were so many things. I didn't think I could show my face on social media. And the ways that we limit ourselves and the freedom that comes with challenging yourself to do the thing you're scared of or to do the thing you'd never thought you would do.
00:36:11
Speaker
it changes you and it gets you back in touch with this most authentic part of yourself. And at least for me, it's made me feel so much safer in who I am. Whereas like before, especially growing up with religion that tells you that you're bad and sinful and your body is not to be trusted, doing the scary thing and like,
00:36:33
Speaker
learning, oh, I'm actually safe in this body of mine and I can do really scary and hard things and I'm still safe. That's been the most, I mean, that's honestly what I want my book to be about. And what I want my memoir to share is about coming home and finding yourself and finding that authentic part of you that you have mistrusted for so long.
00:36:57
Speaker
That feels like
Memoir Writing and Personal Discovery
00:36:58
Speaker
your like core message. And I love it. It is. I was like, I was just thinking I was like, I need to make a sound bite of that. Because it is. That's what I want to write about. That's what I want. Yeah. That's your spiral. Yes, that is my spiral. That's where I'm going. Yeah.
00:37:24
Speaker
That is a recent development too, actually, since we're talking about things that have been happening in our year and how we've been changing. And so I have been working on a book that has been like a fictionalized magical realism.
00:37:42
Speaker
of my experience. So I have a different character I have all different, it's nothing is similar to my life, aside from the religious aspect of it. But recently I've been running into like more and more roadblocks with it, and
00:37:57
Speaker
When I received Madora Fry's book in the mail, which I have, I, if you don't know Madora, Madora is an abstract artist and I interviewed her. She's my first person I interviewed once Emerson left the podcast. And it's all about using creativity through trauma. And so I got her memoir and as I'm reading through it, there was like something in my brain that was just like, oh my gosh.
00:38:23
Speaker
This is incredible. I love the combination with the poetry in there and the paintings and just the way it's folded out. And I was just like, this is how I want to tell my story.
00:38:36
Speaker
I keep running into walls with this fictionalized account. It's because my own story keeps kind of barreling through and wanting to be heard. So I am looking at making it a straight up memoir now. I'm back to memoir. That is such a powerful shift. I love that for you. Thank you.
00:39:02
Speaker
Yeah, it feels really good. And I already have pieces of it written that I've just been writing for the last few years, really. So I already have pieces of it. And now I'm just kind of keep plugging away at it. And we'll see where it goes. Yay. That's really cool. Yeah. Let's see. How are we
Future Plans and Excitements
00:39:29
Speaker
feeling about this next year?
00:39:33
Speaker
I feel great about my next year. I feel less great about not necessarily. I was going to say I feel less great about the steps to get there because it is just, like I said, such a complex social process that I have a clear idea of how to do it. I'm doing free presentations and just sharing a lot of value in this presentation and then anyone who wants to work
00:39:57
Speaker
with me further, I share those options. So I feel really good about everything I'm offering. I feel like it's exactly what I want to offer. I set up my website at kind of the turn of the year. And I was like, everything that's in my website is exactly what I want to be doing. I don't have anything there that I don't want to do. And everything that is there is a huge yes. So that feels great. Good.
00:40:22
Speaker
that I feel like that's so much of a business is like, do I even want to be doing what I say that I'm doing or that I feel like I have to do? And that is no longer an issue, which is a huge relief because now I'm like, okay, now I make this work. I don't know exactly how I'm going to make it work, but I'm committed to making this work. And that feels great. Good. Yeah. I love to hear that.
00:40:46
Speaker
Yeah, I want to share more about that too. I've told you about the treasure hunts, right? Yes. Okay. Well, I will tell people, yes, tell the listeners. I'm so excited that my job now is to go on treasure hunts with people, by which I mean that they make a mumble map, which is great. It's a really powerful tool. And if you make it and you put it aside, it could serve you well in the future. But it's also something that you can be using
00:41:13
Speaker
every single day through any challenge you're going through. So I'm using it as I learn how to, you know, live my less neurotypical life and navigate the challenges I'm now aware of with my autism. And then people can also use it through grieving or through health conditions or just stress. And how I'm doing that is through treasure hunts.
00:41:34
Speaker
where we for five weeks we go through and each week we do we're kind of like walking through like how did like what challenge did you encounter this week how did you use something from your map to support yourself and it's not like oh I just did this happy fun thing and it made everything better it's like I had a hard time getting up in the morning but I played this song and it helps me to be able to get up like it's something that was actually a tangible benefit by connecting to something that was joyful
00:42:04
Speaker
And that I'm really, really excited for. So the fact that I just do treasure hunts is just the best thing ever. I love it. I love it so much. And especially because we know, especially those of us who are chronic self-help pursuers, we can read something or listen to a podcast and think, yes, that would be so beneficial in my life.
00:42:31
Speaker
And then we might even journal about it. We might write about it somewhere, but then we don't ever look at it again and we never apply it to our actual lives. And so I love this idea of, okay, I'm giving you this tool and I'm actually, and then I want to use it with you throughout your week.
00:42:52
Speaker
and we can actually see how it's going to help you because sometimes you also don't know how it's going to impact you until you actually use it.
00:43:03
Speaker
Yeah, I love it. I love your insight on that because that's totally what it is. Like both people who made a mobile map and then even myself with my mobile map, we were like, this thing's cool, but I'm not using it. And especially since I discovered that I'm autistic, I'm like, Oh, I have this tool that is.
00:43:23
Speaker
helping me through any challenge. And I've been cultivating an intentionality around it. Like I'll have a day off and I'll just feel really understimulated. Like I'm like, I don't know what to do right now. I feel so restless. What should I do? But I'm exhausted. So I don't want to do anything. Like I get stuck in that a lot. And I'll use my map. I'll identify a few things off my map and be like, Oh, this is something that feels really supportive right now. And I find what's accessible and
00:43:51
Speaker
That's exactly what it is. It's like taking that tool and actually using it and like using it more and more.
00:43:58
Speaker
to where it starts becoming natural. And I love the idea that someone could take a treasure hunt again, they could be like, wow, I'm really, you know, not connected to my map, I call it being off the map. And we'll be back on the map. I know, I love it. It's like Marie Kondo's sparks joy idea that like, it's a sensation that you feel in yourself. Like when you're off the map, you know it.
00:44:23
Speaker
And when you're on the map, you know it. And I'm really excited both for my own journey and for other people who choose to go on a treasure hunt to feel that feeling more. Oh, I love it. Yeah, so excited. How are you feeling about your year ahead? Yeah,
Community Building and Creativity
00:44:45
Speaker
I'm feeling... I don't know. Some days I'm feeling really excited and other days I'm like,
00:44:53
Speaker
Who knows? I don't know. Everything's terrible. But then other days I'm like, no, there are good things on the horizon. So I'm going to lean towards good things on the horizon. I. Yeah, I love I love what I'm doing, just like the like the writer's home. I love this community that Gabby and I have created. And, you know, everybody is getting to know each other better. We are.
00:45:21
Speaker
Yeah, there's just a lot of bonding and great things happening and writing and challenging each other. And it's been really lovely. Um, and then I also am putting on a presentation in this, uh, there's an organization called recovering from religion and, um, I am putting together a presentation for them specifically around how we can use creativity after coming out of religion and, um, using creativity to find ourselves either actually sharing it or just like daring ourselves to create it in the first place.
00:45:52
Speaker
I'm really excited about that. One, work with writers, but two, just help people come out of religion and actually find themselves because I really didn't realize, I mean, I left religion, how long have I known you? Is it 12 years? 12 years, so 11 years ago because
00:46:22
Speaker
I was still in the religion that first year. 11 years ago or so I left religion and only these past two years have I actually started to really come into myself and find out who I am.
00:46:38
Speaker
So if I can help more people feel that and get in touch with that sooner, then like that will just, I mean, that will make everything in my life happy. So that's, that's definitely where I'm moving toward. I feel like that is, anytime you talk about that, I'm like, Oh my gosh, yes. Like that's your power. Like that, it's so specific, but that like,
00:47:05
Speaker
ex religious storytelling to move forward and use creativity to like, get into your authentic self. Like that is just such a powerful force that people aren't really doing like, I'm sure it's out there. But like, we need you.
00:47:22
Speaker
really badly. I talked to a lot of people too. I'm like reflecting on this as we're talking about it. I talked to a lot of people where we just kind of go around in circles about how messed up all the religious stuff was.
00:47:38
Speaker
And it's cathartic. I love to get in a room with people who are ex-church kids and just talk about it. Yeah, it's great. It's great. And also, it can feel really stagnant. Once you do it a bunch, you're like, OK, well, what are we doing now? How are we moving forward? And I don't think that we have the tools to, especially people who don't see themselves as creative,
00:48:02
Speaker
they just keep circling and if someone like you were to say like here's a storytelling workshop like here's you know let's write some of this let's write about the first moment you felt free like that has so much power and you have that oh thank you i i want to harness that power more because i uh seem to lose it every once in a while
00:48:27
Speaker
I think it's hard because you're also operating in a neurotypical setting of like, yeah, take work on and edit it and that can feel, you know, a little bit out of that lane, especially if you're not finding people who are writing the kind of stuff that's super aligned with it.
00:48:47
Speaker
Yeah, and it is really interesting how like, there is this push and pull with my business of like, the really technical aspect of it, which is like, I'm just really, I'm, I can find a lot of grammar issues. I don't know if they pop out at me, I see them. And so like, there's one skill, but then there's this other part of me that's like, but I want to do all of this other stuff. And like, it's more along like, I, I used to want to be a therapist.
00:49:10
Speaker
And it's like that drive that still wants to take over and it's like, yes, but I want to help people in this area. So they are wrestling and I am working on finding their harmony. Yeah, those are two very different things that can also coexist and that's hard. Yeah, for sure. Okay, we are gonna wrap up. So one
Art Journaling and Embracing Imperfection
00:49:34
Speaker
year anniversary was something that you've made recently. That was ugly.
00:49:40
Speaker
Uh, I have started using my art journal a lot more and I just randomly one day decided to draw what I ate. And every day since then I've drawn every single meal that I have.
00:49:57
Speaker
And it's a really interesting thing that's been happening with my autistic brain. Now that I know I'm autistic, visual stuff often makes a lot more sense to me. So it's really hard for me to conceptualize what did I eat today and to eat intuitively.
00:50:11
Speaker
which I'm working on, work in progress, but there's just something about the intentionality of being like, Oh, I had this and then I draw my little doodle and then I had this and I draw my little doodle and they're just like ugly little drawings. Like I know what they are, but I don't know if it'd be clear to other people nor do I care, but it's such a nice little practice. And it's also just a bit of creativity every, you know, like few hours throughout my day. It's just a little doodle. I love that. Yeah. I've been enjoying it.
00:50:41
Speaker
That's so much fun. Yeah. What about you? I took some inspiration for Madora's book, and I decided to ugly paint my fingernails, which was so fun. And they ended up looking like the colors from like those 90s water cups. You know the ones. Yeah. The whoosh whoosh.
00:51:11
Speaker
Yeah, so I absolutely love them. They are delightful and now I'm just like wondering why I haven't been painting my nails like this the whole time because painting my nails always stressed me out because I could never like I almost never do it because it takes me like I got a concentrate I have to really focus not to get the
00:51:28
Speaker
paint on my skin. And I mean, I still did my best to not get paint on my skin, but like, it was just a lot more fun. Like I didn't need like an even layer all the way across. It was just like, splash it on there and wait for it to dry and then add some more splashes. So it's like a really fun, nice thing to do in my evening. They're very handsome. They also just look so cool.
00:51:49
Speaker
And they look so perfect for Midora's book, which I also made a way I instantly bought it, like saw the post went and bought it immediately. And I have received it and now I'm reading it. But the cover is so beautiful. And the whole book is so beautiful. And then your nails look so good with that. And it's just very lovely. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I, I love the combination. I just keep staring at my nails and they and it's just like bringing my ugly art with me everywhere I go, just like really nice.
00:52:18
Speaker
I actually oh my gosh that reminded me this isn't like an ugly thing, but it is a random thing I Maddie got me a set of sticker nails I love sticker nails because I get so stressed out with paint.
00:52:31
Speaker
And that set had like two sparkly ones, you could just put on random sparkly ones. And my wedding ring is sparkly. And I have a sparkly one on this finger. And I am literally indefinitely going to have a sparkly ring finger. And that's just on. I just love them. Perfect. I love that. I love how like non neurotypical things like that can be like we can just do our nails however we want. And it's great.
00:53:01
Speaker
Yeah. So good. I just like, I'm surprised it took me this long to like think of that. Me too. Yeah. Like I love having just like random nails, different colors. Like it just feels really good to me. And I don't know why it's so weird that it's like a euphoric thing, but it genuinely does feel really good. So if anyone's listening to this, we encourage you to try something different with your nails.
00:53:27
Speaker
Yeah, just go have more fun with them. I was thinking next I want to do just ugly polka dots and just make a bunch of dots and smear them all together and see what that looks like. That's cool. I like it. All right. Thank you, Em, for coming back. I have missed you. It has been nice to actually talk about myself and my business again and I think get some good perspective on
00:53:58
Speaker
What I've been experiencing, I swear, are whenever we record podcast episodes, it's just like business therapy. I literally process things that I would not have otherwise, which I think is the beauty of ugly conversations. Yes, absolutely. I also just want to say congratulations on how beautifully you have carried this podcast and the amazing guests you've had. And it's just very, I know it's an ugly podcast, but it is a beautiful, ugly podcast.
00:54:26
Speaker
Thank you. That's really sweet to hear. I'm really proud of it. And I wouldn't have started it without you. No, I was the doula and then I let you carry the baby. Yes, exactly. You were there for the first six months or however, and then you're like, all right, now you got this. I made sure the baby was alive and then let you take care of it. Yes, you did.
00:54:54
Speaker
Alright, thank you everybody for listening and as always, keep it ugly. Keep it ugly.
00:55:00
Speaker
The Ugly podcast is created by me, Lauren Alexander of Scribe and Sunshine. It is produced and sort of edited, also by me, and written and directed by absolutely nobody. If you like the podcast, be sure to rate and leave a review on your preferred platform and share with the creative people in your life. If you're interested in learning more about what I do, head to scribeandsunshine.com to learn more about my Ugly Art 101 course, my perfectionism workshop, my editing services, and The Writer's Home, which is an online community for writers, co-captain by myself and Gabby Goodlow. As always, keep it ugly.