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100. How the Decisions that Scared me Most Shaped my Dance Career
162 Plays14 days ago
I can’t believe we made it to the 100th episode of The Brainy Ballerina Podcast!!!
Only a small percentage of podcasts make it this far, and I’m so grateful to you for making this show part of your week. I wouldn’t be here without you.
In honor of 100 episodes, I’m reflecting on one theme that has shaped my entire dance career: doing things that scare me.
Key “pointes” in this episode:
- My MASSIVE fear of public speaking growing up, and how teaching dance was the first step in helping me gain confidence
- What it felt like to move across the country alone for my very first company contract, and the doors that it opened for me
- How showing my face and using my voice completely changed the trajectory of The Brainy Ballerian
- My experience with choreography and how saying “yes” before feeling ready opened new doors
- Why having a safe space to try things (without pressure to be perfect) makes all the difference
My biggest takeaway: the only way to know if you can do something is to try.
Here’s to the next 100 episodes!
Let’s connect!
My WEBSITE: thebrainyballerina.com
INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/thebrainyballerina
1-1 Career Mentoring: book your complimentary career call
Questions/comments? Email me at caitlin@thebrainyballerina.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Overcoming Challenges
00:00:00
Speaker
So I'm sure there's something in your dance career or in your life that feels really scary to you and you think to yourself, I could never do that. I've definitely said those words about many things in my dance career that I could never. Oh, that's amazing that they can do that, but I could never do that. But why not?
00:00:16
Speaker
Why can't you? is it because you don't want to? Because that's valid. If you don't want to, that's totally fine. You don't have to do everything. But if it's because you believe that you can't, you don't actually know that that's true until you try it.
00:00:31
Speaker
I'm Caitlin, a former professional ballerina turned dance educator and career mentor, and this is the Brand New Ballerina podcast. I am here for the aspiring professional ballerina who wants to learn what it really takes to build a smart and sustainable career in the dance industry. I'm peeling back the curtain of professional dance world with open and honest conversations about the realities of becoming a professional dancer.
00:00:56
Speaker
Come along to gain the knowledge and inspiration you need to succeed in a dance career on your terms.
Podcast Milestone and Listener Gratitude
00:01:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the Brainy Ballerina Podcast. Caitlin here today, and I can't believe that I'm saying this, but this is the 100th episode of the Brainy Ballerina Podcast.
00:01:16
Speaker
And I just did a little bit of research before hopping on here because I was curious how many podcasts make it to the 100th episode. And according to my research, only 6% of podcasts hit this milestone.
00:01:29
Speaker
So I just feel really grateful for you, the listeners who have tuned in to the Brainy Ballerina podcast. Whether you have been here from the beginning or you are just getting into it, this is a huge milestone and I wouldn't have reached it without you. So I'm very, very grateful to this community.
00:01:46
Speaker
for constantly sharing your feedback, tuning in, and just being a part of the work that I'm doing here. It's really incredible and I'm so thankful for all of my guests who have given their time and wisdom to share everything they have learned to help us all grow in our dance careers.
Growth Through Facing Fears
00:02:05
Speaker
For this episode, the thing that I wanted to talk about was how doing things that scare me has gotten me further in my dance career. There are so many things that I have done that felt terrifying at the time. And looking back, I'm so grateful that I took those leaps and just tried because I wouldn't be sitting here right now doing what I'm doing if I hadn't done it. And this may be surprising since I have a podcast, but probably my greatest fear when I was younger, like in middle school, high school was public speaking. I absolutely hated having to do any kind of public speaking, giving a report, even just being called on in class and having to speak in front of my peers was terrifying to me. I really hated it. And I was so comfortable on stage and I really loved expressing myself through dance and through movement. And finding that outlet was huge for me because it opened up a way for me to share
00:03:03
Speaker
a part of myself that I hadn't been able to share through speaking. But there comes a time when you can't necessarily dance the way you used to be able to dance and express yourself in the way that you used to be able to or that felt good to you through movements.
00:03:20
Speaker
But I still have so much to say. So naturally, I had to start speaking about it if I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings and ideas and wisdom.
Journey in Public Speaking
00:03:29
Speaker
And I will actually say the start of me getting over my fear of public speaking was actually starting to teach.
00:03:36
Speaker
Because when you're teaching a dance class, you basically are public speaking for an hour and a half. You have to get in front of your students and be engaging and be clear and communicate effectively if you want them to learn and you want them to stay interested in your class.
00:03:54
Speaker
And so... That was a great way for me to start practicing that art of public speaking in a scenario that felt comfortable because I'm very comfortable with dance and I really love teaching and I feel like I have something to say in that moment. I know what I have to share and I feel really confident in that.
00:04:15
Speaker
So starting to do some public speaking in that area really was what kind of gave me the practice to start speaking. And then during my professional career, I had a handful of opportunities come up. you know Some were more informal, like maybe speaking at a Rotary Club or something when we were looking to bring in donors for the company or a school director. ended having a lot more speaking opportunities because maybe I'd be presenting the performance we were about to do or doing an interview about our students or something like that. So I had a little bit more experience and I started feeling more comfortable with it. And every time I did it,
00:04:57
Speaker
it got a little bit easier. And now with my job, I do a ton of public speaking. It's actually one of favorite parts of the job. I do workshops for studios all over the country, all over the world actually. I've had a few in Australia this year. And if you had asked 13-year-old Caitlin if that's something I would be doing now, i would have said absolutely not.
00:05:16
Speaker
But little by little, I've gotten more comfortable with it to the point where now I feel like I can go in front of a room and I know what I have to say and I know what I have to offer. And I think that's such a big important part of being confident is just that realization that I do have something to say and I know this is going to help somebody. And so i owe it to the dance world to share these things because I needed to hear them when I was a dancer and I don't want to keep it bottled up.
00:05:44
Speaker
So if getting over this fear of public speaking is what's going to allow me to share this wisdom with aspiring dancers, then so be it. And then now starting the podcast, this has been just a huge exercise in public speaking, and I still get nervous sometimes when I'm doing it. But what I will say about the podcast that's different than maybe giving a presentation is that you're just speaking to one person. It's one-on-one conversation, and I'm Definitely a person who's more comfortable with a deeper one-on-one connection and conversation than I am with maybe a bigger room.
00:06:17
Speaker
That's a little bit more nerve-wracking for me than having these what just feel like coffee chats with a friend. But it's still practice public speaking. And I've still interviewed people that I couldn't believe I was speaking to them. I couldn't believe that I was given the opportunity to be in the room with them. And I just recently was given the opportunity to lead the talk back for our performance of Choreograph Her at Madison Ballet and speak to the incredible female-identifying choreographers that we had on the program. And I, again, couldn't believe that I was up there doing that. And i actually doing that talkback, I was more nervous than I'd been in a long time. I don't think I felt that nervous since the last time I performed and probably even before that because I got to a point my career where I wasn't getting Yeah.
00:07:01
Speaker
of nerves i was still getting excited butterflies but not like that i was very very nervous but i just had to remind myself like you've done all this work you've been practicing your public speaking skills for a very long time you prepared for this you took the time like i did everything that i needed to do to be ready for that moment And so just trusting that you have the ability to do it. And I had to do a little self-coaching in that moment to remind myself that I am capable and I wouldn't have been asked to do it if there wasn't the belief that I was capable of doing it, right? So all that to say that I still get scared of public speaking. It still can be really unsettling and a bit of a whirlwind. But it's almost like when you perform, before you go on stage is the hardest. When you're in the wings, that's when you feel the most nervous. And then once you get out on the stage,
00:07:49
Speaker
you're there. You're doing what you know how to do. it all just starts to flow and you feel in the moment. And that's how I felt when I was doing this talk back too, like being backstage, I was so, so nervous.
00:08:00
Speaker
But then once it started, i was able to relax and really enjoy it. – It's still scary, but it's so worth it because of the opportunities I've gotten to have and the conversations and the people I've gotten to
Career Milestones and Personal Growth
00:08:12
Speaker
meet.
00:08:12
Speaker
Another thing that was really scary in my career was my very first job moving across the country all by myself. When I graduated from college, I went to Grand Valley State University in Michigan, and my first job offer was at Valley Tucson in Arizona.
00:08:29
Speaker
So that was about a 30-hour drive and me and my dad drove my car there in three days. He got me set up in my apartment. My mom came for a few days to help get everything settled for me, but then they had to go home and I was all alone at this brand new company. i didn't know anyone.
00:08:46
Speaker
i didn't have a second job yet. I had to figure that out. I really didn't know what I was getting into, to be quite honest. I just went out there on a hope and a dream that I want to have a ballet career and this is my opportunity and I have to just try it.
00:09:03
Speaker
And i tried to talk myself out of going many times because it just didn't feel realistic or like the smart choice. You know, it was unpaid. it was, again, very far away. i was very, very scared.
00:09:16
Speaker
But if I hadn't gone, I don't know that I would have had a ballet career. That was my chance. to make it and that's what opened the first door for me and that's how I kept getting more doors opened. after that opportunity. So again, it was scary and it was scary for a long time. I think that's another thing too. wasn't like I just got there and then I was like, okay, this is fine. I was still scared for a few months because I was still getting to know the area.
00:09:39
Speaker
i was living with roommates that I didn't know. They were not part of the ballet. There was no connection there. It was just like a random placement and that was a little bit scary. And I missed my friends at home. I missed my college dance program. I had been in a really Nice insular family there. And so having to leave that and then go to a new place was scary. And of course, I found a new dance family in Tucson and had a really incredible experience, lots of ups and downs. But looking back, I'm so thankful for that experience. And many of the people that I met
00:10:13
Speaker
But again, it was scary. And if I hadn't done it, I don't think I would be where I am today. Another fear that I have that I think a lot of us can resonate with is just the overall feeling of imposter syndrome and feeling like, who am i to do this?
00:10:28
Speaker
I remember when I first started the Brainy Ballerina, I knew I wanted to have a business. But I, again, was like, well, who am I to have a dance business? Why do I think that i can do that? When I started it, it was really all printables that were for dance students and dance schools and teachers. And so I did not show my face on my social media at all. I didn't really put who was behind the company at all. I just sort of hid behind all my products. I didn't want anyone to know that it was me.
00:11:00
Speaker
because I thought that I would be ridiculed. I thought people would talk and say, like again, who is she to start this business? Which is so silly because when people did realize it was me, they were so super supportive and excited for me. But I had this idea in my head that I would be made fun of or that I just wasn't good enough.
00:11:19
Speaker
But the second that I decided that I wanted to start showing my face and I wanted to start making connections with people and felt like I don't want to just be hiding behind these products what the dance world really needs is tangible advice from somebody who's been through it and I need to show my face and I need to talk about what I've been through, I need to talk about what I've done. and how i can help dancers. As soon as I started doing that, my business exploded so much more quickly than I could have ever imagined.
00:11:46
Speaker
And I've had nothing but positive feedback from everyone in my life. Every single person I talk to is just like, this is incredible that you're doing this. I wish I had this when I was younger. And I'm like, me too. Exactly. That's why I'm doing it. But the only person who didn't believe that I could do this was myself.
00:12:04
Speaker
Everyone else in my life has talked me up. So yeah, it was scary to show my face and to be like, this is me, I'm doing this thing. but those fears were really all in my head and I was creating a much bigger deal out of it than it really was.
00:12:19
Speaker
And so now I'm so glad I've made
Rebranding and Personal Insecurities
00:12:22
Speaker
this pivot in my business. I can't imagine not being the face of it now. And when I say the face of it, I just mean like the person who gets to connect with you and who gets to share these things and share my wisdom, share other people's wisdom, meet new amazing people in the dance industry who are doing awesome things and share what they're doing and help grow this art form. I feel a very big sense of responsibility to help the art form a ballet thrive because I love it so, so much. And I've seen what it can do in the hands of people who are doing really good work.
00:12:56
Speaker
And I want them to be empowered. And If showing my face was the way I had to do that, then so be it. I'm so happy that I have. Another thing that I did very recently that was very scary for me was I did a brand new dance photo shoot because I really wanted to rebrand the cover photo for the podcast. If you're tuning in right now, you probably noticed there's a new cover for the podcast.
00:13:22
Speaker
And I just felt like as a person, i have grown and changed so much in the two years since I did my last branding photo shoot.
00:13:32
Speaker
And when I looked at the cover photo for my podcast, it just didn't feel like me anymore. That Caitlin was so deep in postpartum with my second baby. i was barely functioning, i feel like, looking back now. And I just had hope and a dream, and I wanted to push through and do this, and I did. And I love my photographer, and she did an amazing job. And everything about those pictures was wonderful.
00:13:56
Speaker
But I just felt like, I think I'm a different person now. I think I have a different energy. I think there's just something about me that I want to express in my cover photo that isn't there. So I decided that I need to do a dance photo shoot, but I have never thought of myself as a photo dancer.
00:14:13
Speaker
Even when I was dancing for a professionally, I hated photo shoot days. I was always like, I'm a mover. Like I have movement quality, but if you want to take a picture of me, I didn't have crazy extension or any of the things that I think people look for when they look at a beautiful dance photo.
00:14:31
Speaker
And so I just didn't really think of myself as that kind of dancer. I really didn't want to get in front of the camera and dance after being retired for eight years. But I also was like, this is a dance podcast. And that's the part of me that I'm feeling coming back.
00:14:48
Speaker
And so I felt like it needed to be a dance picture. And so I ended up working with a photographer named Lexia Frank. She's based here in Madison and she is incredible. She does these quarterly sessions where it's like maybe a 30-minute time slot, maybe less. I can't remember. But it's a short time slot. It's a lower cost, but she chooses a theme. So you don't get to have as much creative control over your pictures. But honestly, that's nice for me because – I feel like when it comes to a photo shoot, I have no vision. I'm just like, tell me what to do and I'll do it. But I can't come up with it on my own.
00:15:20
Speaker
And so I loved that there was already this theme for the photos, which is like a black and white, really classy theme, which I liked. And I went into it and I just said to her, I hate photo shoots. I never know what to do. I always feel awkward in front of the camera. And I feel like in the past, I would have felt weird admitting that because people think dancers should feel comfortable doing a dance photo shoot.
00:15:42
Speaker
And I would have been like, oh, I can't tell anyone that I don't like this. And now I'm in a place where I'm realizing how different all these skills are. Just because you can perform on stage doesn't mean that doing this other skill that you do once a year or twice a year as a dancer is natural or is easy for you. so I was just very frank and honest and told her, I am not comfortable with this. Can you please coach me through it? And she was like, I got you and told me exactly what to do. She made me feel so beautiful, so comfortable. She was hyping me up the entire time, which I mean, that definitely helped me. The more someone tells you that you look good, the more you're going to start getting into it, right? But I think that's definitely a testament to a time where it does matter the environment that you're in and how much more safe you can feel going for it and doing the scary thing when you have someone hyping you up and you have someone in your corner telling you that you can do it.
00:16:39
Speaker
I always tell dancers I work with, that's one of the biggest parts of my job. Obviously, people come to me for the strategy, for the professional knowledge, for my mentorship, all those things. And that's super important.
00:16:53
Speaker
But there comes a point in the audition season, especially when I'm working with a dancer, where my biggest job is to be a cheerleader and to hype them up and make sure they know that they're amazing and that they should keep submitting to companies because it gets to a point where you're like, I'm so over this. I've gotten so many rejections. I don't want to do it anymore.
00:17:10
Speaker
And at that point, being the hype woman kicks in where I have to just be like, do you have any idea how amazing you are? Because every single dancer I work with is so incredible and they don't always know it or see it in themselves.
00:17:20
Speaker
But I see it and I know that they're not doomed just because they didn't get a contract yet, but that can be hard to see on your end. And that's why I felt like in this photo shoot was like, this person thinks that I'm amazing and beautiful and a great dancer. Even if I don't feel like that right now, she believes in me and then it starts to penetrate you and you start to feel more confidence.
00:17:39
Speaker
So I ended up being completely thrilled with all the pictures turned out. With this particular package, I think you got two images from the shoot. And I ended up buying all the images she sent me, which was like 80 because I just was like, I can't choose. These are all amazing.
00:17:54
Speaker
So definitely keep an eye out for this new cover. If you're like me and you're visual person who is always just when you're looking for your podcast, you want to listen to, you're looking for a specific cover. that you're familiar with. Just a heads up that it is different, but it's still a similar color scheme. It's still on brand. So hopefully it won't be too hard to find when you are coming to tune in into the
Evolution in Choreography
00:18:14
Speaker
pod.
00:18:14
Speaker
I also used to be so scared of choreographing. I've never thought of myself as a choreographer. i have a much more analytical mind. So when I choreograph, I do think I have a special skill set for choreographing more symmetrical pieces or pieces for maybe a student showcase that really utilize all their strengths in a more traditional way a more classical ballet But when it comes to maybe more creative choreography, i don't always feel that I have that skill set.
00:18:44
Speaker
But we had this incredible opportunity when I was at Missouri Contemporary Ballet to choreograph on our peers, usually twice a year. We did a choreographic installation and we had two weeks for everyone, not just for your own piece. For anyone who wanted to choreograph on the company, we'd have two weeks to put together a show. And we would do it in the studio. It was more informal. You got very little studio time.
00:19:07
Speaker
And the first year I did it, I had sprained my ankle right before installation. And I wasn't going to be performing. And so I thought, well, I want to be part of this show. What if I just choreograph? And I had the best time. It was so much fun.
00:19:21
Speaker
And then I did it many times after that and every time did a slightly different piece and explored more things and really felt like I was in ah an environment where I could hone that skill in a really safe place. There wasn't any expectation. i didn't have a commission, right, where it was like we need you to create this piece that's this length to this music and using these dancers. Like there was no specifications put on us at all. It was literally just put together whatever piece that you want to do to be in the performance in two weeks.
00:19:51
Speaker
And it just really was an awesome environment to get to learn that skill. And I think that's one thing that's so important for when you're doing something scary is to be in an environment where you feel like you can explore and you don't have to be perfect because nothing shuts down creativity faster than feeling that you have to be perfect.
00:20:10
Speaker
And from there, doing the installations, I ended up getting so many opportunities to choreograph. As school director, I choreographed an entire Carnival of the Animals ballet, which I loved. i loved how it turned out. It was so fun. And the students did amazing.
00:20:24
Speaker
i got to choreograph pieces for my students to perform at YAGP, contemporary solos, group pieces. And I guess even going back before that, I was working at a competition studio where I got a lot opportunities to choreograph because they did so many different pieces. And so... I would do some solos. I would do some group pieces. So again, it was like I just kept getting thrown into these opportunities and just had to go for it and try.
00:20:49
Speaker
and I even had one piece that I did during the installation that was chosen to be performed by the company in a bigger production. And that was super cool too because it sort of validated that, okay, maybe I can do this. And to this day, I still don't think of myself as a choreographer in the sense that I want to pursue choreography.
00:21:08
Speaker
as my career. I don't think that I have enough of a passion for it to be someone who's choreographing a ton. I get burnt out like sort of quickly from it. It doesn't come super naturally. I have to sort of generate ideas and have to kind of sit with it for a very long time, which I think is true for most creative people.
00:21:27
Speaker
Creative people need time to do nothing, which I don't normally have in my life. And so if I were to want to choreograph more, I'd have to create that space to do nothing more, to allow my brain to sort of wander and just find these pieces.
00:21:42
Speaker
I don't feel like you can force it sometimes. You can force it, but I'd rather not. I feel like it comes out better when you don't. Just to say, once again, i didn't think I was a choreographer. I still don't think it's my...
00:21:54
Speaker
life's work, but I do like choreographing and I do have ideas in my head of things that I want to choreograph and things that I want to put out there. And I would have never thought that I could do it until I did it.
Encouragement to Face Fears
00:22:05
Speaker
So I'm sure there's something in your dance career or in your life that feels really scary to you and you think to yourself, I could never do that. I've definitely said those words about many things in my dance career that I could never. Oh, that's amazing that they can do that, but I could never do that. But why not?
00:22:21
Speaker
Why can't you? is it because you don't want to? Because that's valid. If you don't want to, that's totally fine. You don't have to do everything. But if it's because you believe that you can't, you don't actually know that that's true until you try it.
00:22:36
Speaker
A lot of things seem really scary until you try them. And then you do try them they may still be scary, but you realize that you can do it. And taking these risks and trying things has opened so many doors for me that I never would have imagined would be opened.
00:22:53
Speaker
I never would have thought I would have a podcast. I never would have thought i have a business. I would never have thought I'd be asked to guest speak all over the world. I would have absolutely told you that I couldn't do that. That wasn't for me.
00:23:06
Speaker
But sometimes you just have an inkling and it just won't go away. So in celebration of the 100th episode, I challenge you to try something that scares you, that you think that you can't do because I bet you you can do it.
00:23:23
Speaker
But you won't know until you try. And even if you fail spectacularly, You've learned something about yourself. You've learned how to do better the next time. You've learned what kind of environment you thrive in, which kind of environment you don't thrive in. You've learned where your passions are, where you want to focus your attention.
00:23:40
Speaker
You're gathering all this information. And I think it's easier when it's something outside of our career maybe to try. Like if I were to go try a pickleball class, I'd be like, well, whatever. and don't know if they have pickleball classes.
00:23:51
Speaker
But I'd be like, whatever. It's not something that – it's not my career. So if I'm bad at it, who cares? When it's within our career, we have this pressure we put on ourselves to have to do everything perfectly. But dancing on stage is not the same as public speaking about dance. Dancing on stage is not the same as choreographing a dance. Dancing on stage is not the same as starting a dance business.
00:24:11
Speaker
Dancing one piece on stage isn't the same as dancing another piece on stage or dancing in different theater. Every experience is different. So there's no reason why you should automatically be good at something.
00:24:22
Speaker
And if you think you need to automatically be good at something in order to do it, you're not going to do very much in your life. Because I promise you, if you knew me in high school, you would be shocked to know that I do public speaking now.
00:24:33
Speaker
Not only was I very scared, I was very, very bad. Very, very, very bad. But I practiced and I got better. And I'm still practicing and it's still hard. But I love it and I want to share my message, so I'm going to keep doing it.
00:24:47
Speaker
So it's okay to be bad at something when you first try it and still keep trying it and still keep doing it and still say, hey, I want to do this even though it's not easy for me because I love it. I still have a whole laundry list of things that I want to do that scare me. I mean – I want to get back on point at 38 years old.
00:25:03
Speaker
That's very scary. i have dream guests that I want to interview for my podcast that i am scared to reach out to, but I'm still going to try and still reach out because the worst they can say is no. And so far, most people I've asked have not only said yes, but been super excited for the opportunity to be on the podcast, which still shocks me to this day that they want to be on my podcast. But going back to the imposter syndrome, it's like I have to realize that I have created something here that people want to be a part of, and that's so cool.
Closing Gratitude and Call to Action
00:25:31
Speaker
So thank you for being a part of this. Thank you for being here for 100 episodes. It has meant so much to me to get to share this part of my life and my passion with you. And i am just so excited for the next 100 episodes.
00:25:45
Speaker
Thank you for tuning into the Brainy Ballerina podcast. If you found this episode insightful, entertaining, or maybe a bit of both, I would so appreciate you taking a moment to leave a rating and hit subscribe.
00:25:58
Speaker
By subscribing, you'll never miss an episode. And you'll join our community of dancers passionate about building a smart and sustainable career in the dance industry. Plus, your reigns help others discover the show too.
00:26:11
Speaker
I'll be back with a new episode next week. In the meantime, be sure to follow along on Instagram at The Brainy Ballerina for your daily dose of dance career guidance.