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S3/Ep 17: How to Talk to Your Teen and Understand What They're Really Telling You
21 Plays13 days ago
If you've ever grounded your teen, confiscated their phone, or enforced stricter rules — only to watch things spiral — this episode is for you.
Dr. Cam Caswell, adolescent psychologist and host of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, breaks down the teenage behaviors parents most misunderstand, the strategies that quietly backfire, and the small language shifts that can completely change your relationship with your teenager.
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Transcript
Introduction of Guardians of Hope Season 3
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to season three of the Guardians of Hope podcast. We are a community of parents, educators, health, legal, and tech experts dedicated to positively impacting children's lives. The thoughts and opinions of my guests are not my own. This is a platform for sharing. All right. Welcome everyone.
00:00:15
Speaker
have you ever heard of that saying, check on your friends who are parenting teens? Well, parenting a teenager can feel like constant second-guessing. Every reaction feels wrong, every conversation turns tense, and you're left wondering why what used to work suddenly doesn't work anymore.
00:00:36
Speaker
The eye rolls, the door slams, the emotional meltdowns over things that seem trivial. you Try grounding them, taking away their phone, enforcing stricter rules, and somehow everything gets worse.
Misinterpretation of Adolescent Behavior
00:00:51
Speaker
Now, what if the problem isn't your teen? What if it's that we are completely misinterpreting normal adolescent development as defiance, disrespect, or dysfunction?
00:01:03
Speaker
Today, we're joined by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, parent coach, and host of the podcast, Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam. Dr. Kam's insights around teen autonomy, emotional regulation, and misunderstood behaviors are transforming how parents approach the teenage years. Dr. Kam, welcome. I'm so excited to have you I'm excited to be here.
00:01:31
Speaker
All right. Well, let's first start with your background and how you became known as the teen translator. So like most things, it was a very circular. I didn't wake up one day and was like, I'm going to be the teen translator when I grow It was more about I loved psychology and went back to get my PhD in my 30s, actually. And I was teaching a class on adolescent psychology while I was doing that and had lots of adults because it was a night class. And they kept coming up to me going, everything you're teaching in this class is changing my relationship with my teens because I get them. I got i got at least one parent a class saying this. And I was like, why don't we know this stuff?
00:02:14
Speaker
we don't Nobody has this information. And once you know it, it makes so much of the behavior that drives us nuts actually make sense, which gives us a sense of just relief. And I started sharing this information with my friends and doing all that. And then just it started morphing. And I'm going, more and more people need this information. And I just was like, I had a teenager of my own at the time. I'm like, this is my thing. going to do this. People need it. And I i love it.
00:02:41
Speaker
Yeah, well, it shows. And I'm so glad that you're here because I feel like so many parents feel like they're getting it wrong with their teenagers. a lot of my peers and people that i you know hear from my audience, um that conversations turn into conflict, strategies that worked when kids were younger suddenly backfire. And we as parents were left confused and and defeated.
00:03:08
Speaker
So from a developmental psychology perspective, what's actually happening in adolescence that makes us feel like we're suddenly speaking a foreign
Teen Autonomy vs. Parental Expectations
00:03:18
Speaker
language? Well, here's the thing. We have conflicting goals during adolescence.
00:03:25
Speaker
Adolescents, like the primary goal at this time is establishing autonomy because they're breaking free and becoming an adult. they're in that They're in that process. So in order to become adult, they have to separate themselves and create their own identity. Who am I as a person separate from you? What do I believe? And so autonomy really makes them test boundaries, question things, all the things that drive us crazy. Now,
00:03:53
Speaker
Our goal during adolescence hasn't changed since when they were little and it's usually wrapped around compliance. I want my teen to do what I need them to do. I want them to behave the right way. I want them to be safe. I want them to speak respectfully. i want That's all. I want them to do what I want them to do.
00:04:13
Speaker
Well, that's in direct competition with autonomy. Right. So now we are set. pounding, you know, and this is why every single parent you talk to has the exact same complaints and struggles with their team because it all comes down to that.
00:04:32
Speaker
It's such a delicate line. My goodness. So one of your viral posts that you talk about is seven behaviors that parents often punish, but are actually signs of healthy development. Can you walk us through these and um what are we as parents misinterpreting as defiance or disrespect that's actually a normal part of growth?
00:04:58
Speaker
Well, there's a few things here. So first of all, we have to understand that a lot of what we are feeling as defiance and disrespect is actually dysregulation and a way for them to protect when they feel like their autonomy or sense of free will. is being challenged and that is an instinct. It's not something they go in their brain and go, how can I be defiant to my parents today? It is a, I need to, this feels bad. i need to do something. And an eye roll is like a protective factor. It's like, I'm going to brush that off because that feels bad. yeah And what we do as parents is we respond to how that behavior makes us feel.
00:05:38
Speaker
Not what the intent is that our teen has, We assume intent based on how we're feeling. And of course, that makes us feel disrespected because we have this belief and understandably that as their parents, we deserve respect.
00:05:54
Speaker
We deserve deference, right? And that they should do that. But There's no should human nature, right? That is whatever is a should is just our desire. And that doesn't mean they're going to do it, nor even should they do it, because often what we're trying to do is counter to what they need to do or our goals or our priority conflicts with their priority.
00:06:26
Speaker
And we can say, well, as a parent, I should win. But let's step back because that's basically saying exactly what your teen is saying, right? As a kid, you should understand what I need, which makes a lot of sense too. So what we want to do is understand that there is a lot of miscommunication in between and we are reacting to that, not the actual behavior or what is going on underneath that behavior. And that right there is core to everything I teach.
00:06:57
Speaker
So what are some of the behaviors that we are not interpreting correctly? Well, attitude is one. yeah um And yes, we want to teach teens to talk in a with a better, like talk more respectfully. But when we assume it's attitude, that doesn't help. When we assume it's dysregulation and I want to hear what you have to say, let's learn how to say it in a more respectful way. That's helpful, right? So I'm not assuming they're speaking disrespectfully. I'm assuming they're speaking with a lot of emotion and it comes across as disrespectful. Another thing are chores. We get very upset that they don't want to do their chores. They're not going to want to do their chores. That is an adult priority.
00:07:40
Speaker
We care about how our house looks. We care about tidiness. We care about where things... They don't. They have so many other things that are far more important to them that are age appropriate that we're not prioritizing. So we have to understand, does that mean we don't make them do chores?
00:07:58
Speaker
Make is the word right there. Do we want them to do chores? Do we encourage them to Yes, but we have to understand the mentality behind it and not try to change that. We're not going to make them want to prioritize chores, but we can make chores feel good. We can make them want to help around the house. Absolutely. It's how it's approached, right? Another one's entitlement. So we get so upset with our kids just assuming this is what I'm going to get and asking for what they want. And we don't realize that we're doing the same thing because we're asking them and we want them to do what we want.
00:08:34
Speaker
You know, we get mad when they want us to do what they want. We're doing the same thing. It's not a matter of wanting. That is a human thing. We all want what we want. What we're upset about is not them being grateful for what we give. And that I think is where that entitlement comes up. You're not being grateful.
00:08:52
Speaker
Great gratitude is something that again, we develop. It requires perspective. It requires experience. It doesn't require being shamed or told that doesn't build gratitude. Gratitude comes from understanding and feeling that. So a lot of the things we're grateful for, for our parents, we weren't grateful for at our, at that age. We are now looking back because we're reflective and have experience and perspective now. so When we freak out and go, they're entitled, we got to say, no, they're a teenager and they're learning this. How do I help them get that perspective? And that's through experience, not through lectures,
Ineffectiveness of Punishment on Teens
00:09:30
Speaker
right? In other words, making bad decisions, bad decisions. We freak out and we punish them and we restrict them and we take their phone away for everything.
00:09:39
Speaker
Bad decisions, again, is a skill they are developing. And the teenage brain proclamating. primed right now to learn these skills. We have a window of opportunity until their mid-20s for them to really develop these skills. But what we end up doing is restricting those opportunities because we don't like the decisions they're making. Well, how do we get better at something?
00:10:01
Speaker
Yeah. By practicing it, and by doing it, by messing up and going, okay, how did I mess that up? What do I do next? But when we punish and we restrict their ability to try again and we shame them for not knowing the skill, we are preventing them from learning the very skill we're punishing for not having.
00:10:19
Speaker
Right. So there's a lot of these that comes in where when we step back and go, let's look at what's actually happening underlying this behavior.
00:10:30
Speaker
Why is this behavior existing? Why do they believe this is the best behavior and the safest behavior right now? When we address that, We handle it so differently because all of a sudden we realize punishment makes no sense whatsoever.
00:10:47
Speaker
It counters almost everything that we're trying to teach them. And it usually feeds into the very reason that their behavior exists in the first place. Yeah.
00:10:57
Speaker
ah Let's talk about punishment because with, you know, actions come circumstances and reinforcement, whether it's positive or not. So one of the biggest strategies that parents use, I've done it myself. I've actually recently stopped doing it, is taking my teen's phone away. Yeah. as punishment and you you've said that it backfires, it escalates, it doesn't teach the lesson.
00:11:27
Speaker
and let's talk about this. It teaches lessons but not the ones we want to teach. And I will say my daughter's 20, never once took the phone away from her. And here's why. um First of all, taking a phone away when they are missing a skill or having dysregulation or are struggling with something that's causing that behavior, how is taking the phone away teaching them that actual skill? Taking the phone away is assuming bad intent.
00:11:56
Speaker
And I'm going to make it hurt so bad that you don't want to do that again. what? That is an assumption that is often extraordinarily wrong because even if there's maliciousness behind it, there's a reason why they feel like they need to be malicious, taking their phone away not addressing that. So we may get immediate compliance in the moment.
00:12:19
Speaker
But that compliance does not translate into a deeper sense of responsibility or values. That translates into, i need to either hide from mom, sneak away from mom, avoid mom, right? Or in that moment, maybe I will do it. But as soon as somebody else leaves, I'm not going to do it.
00:12:39
Speaker
So we're teaching short-term compliance, which is called operant conditioning. Hmm. And it is only works when those specific conditions are there.
00:12:50
Speaker
That's not real world. they're not They're not gaining anything. What it does build, though, is is resentment towards you It rebuilds, like they will start pushing those things away and not wanting to do it. So we're building up and actually making the next time harder.
00:13:10
Speaker
Because we haven't taught what they need to do, make a better choice next time. We've just created resistance to making a better choice or wanting to cooperate with us.
00:13:21
Speaker
And that's why it escalates. It gets really ugly. The other reason I do not use the phone is because when we restrict something, when that becomes the, you know, the the budget, the thing that we're like kind of holding over their head, the carrot or the stick. yeah We create a a very strong sense of need for that, right? A craving for that. It's the forbidden fruit. So all of a sudden this phone that we're trying to... teach them balance with, we are creating the mindset of this is something that is very important to have. Time with it equals good. Time away from it equals bad.
00:14:01
Speaker
I don't want to develop that relationship with the phone for my daughter. I want her to have a healthy, neutral relationship with it, not an emotional one. We create that emotional relationship as soon as we use it as a bargaining chip.
00:14:17
Speaker
Yeah, that's such a great point, really. All right. Well, you talk about speaking teen and how small language shifts between um parents and teenagers um can really help. So can you give us some examples of what those shifts are? love that. And what parents are saying to shut teens down instead of keeping communication open? Yeah. So there's a lot of things. I think the first one is we want to shift from trying to fix.
00:14:50
Speaker
This is so hard for parents because it's like in our, it's just in our DNA to fix and to stop them from feeling bad and to make them feel happy. And what we end up doing, as soon as we say, you don't have to feel that way. It's not that bad. You're making a big deal. Any of those things, what we're doing is invalidating what they're feeling.
00:15:10
Speaker
not stopping them from feeling that way. So they still feel that way. They just don't trust us to share that information with anymore. And teens have actually told me they'll even escalate the emotion if we're invalidating it at that point and don't get how meaningful it is to them. They will build it up even more until we get it.
00:15:31
Speaker
Right. So if we validate it when it's right here and we say, yeah, I can see why you're upset. That like, that that D, that like lets the air out of the tire and it's just like, sheff but when we go, no, you don't have to be that way or that's wrong or now I'm building and building and building. Right? So that's a big one.
00:15:51
Speaker
Another one is when we keep going, you, you, you, you are making me upset. You are pushing my buttons. You are response, you. So we are basically telling our teens, they are responsible for us. Right?
00:16:05
Speaker
for our emotions, for our happiness, for everything. No, they're not. No, that is not their responsibility at all. So we need to change that and go, I'm feeling really upset right now. So I'm going step away.
00:16:21
Speaker
You can continue talking that way because you already are. I can't, I can, I cannot stop you from talking this way. I cannot stop you from being angry. That's not my job. That's,
00:16:32
Speaker
I don't have the power. You're a human being. and I though don't have to stand here and take it. So I'm going to walk away if you don't want to say it a different way.
00:16:43
Speaker
Right? I do this with my teen a lot. I'll just say, you know what? If we continue this way, I'm just going to let you know right now, it's not going end well. you're You're not going to like the outcome of this. You're not, right? So you can continue, but I'm just going to let you know.
00:16:58
Speaker
Yeah. um And that that changes everything. Because we're not taking accountability for us. We're not putting the responsibility of us on them. who Yeah. ah It's a power shift too, really. And it is a good lesson because they no one's responsible for your feelings. It teaches them that too.
00:17:17
Speaker
Correct. That they have to be responsible for their feelings. Right. And now they blame us for their feelings because we've taught them. their their feelings are not their own. Other people are responsible for them.
00:17:29
Speaker
Yeah, correct.
Repairing Parent-Teen Relationships
00:17:31
Speaker
All right. I have one last question for you, Dr. Cam, for the parent who's listening, who feels like they've lost their connection with their teenager. everything's a battle, there's no talking and they just feel like they're feeling. What do you want them to know from this interview today? Yeah. And how do they start to repair? Sorry. Yeah. So the first thing i want you guys to know is that it is never too late to repair.
00:17:58
Speaker
Please just know that. But understand that repair is not something that happens overnight. If you have been fighting for a year, it'll take probably a lot longer to repair that because we're undoing stories and patterns, right? So even if we change, it's going to take a while for our teen to trust that change and they're going to need to see consistency. So what I would encourage you to do is decide today, i want a different relationship with my teen.
00:18:28
Speaker
All I can do is change the way I'm gonna show up for my teen and I'm gonna be consistent about that. And my goal is to connect with them. That is my goal because ultimately if I'm gonna keep my kids safe and I'm going to have influence with my teen, they have to trust me And controlling them is not the way to do it because that makes them resist you. So does that mean we just forget everything? No. But please remember, you have far more influence and ability to keep your kids safe when they trust you. So focus on that, please.
00:19:03
Speaker
Focus on that. And that just means small, little, tiny steps. It's not one big thing and everything's done. It is small, consistent little ways to show them that you care. Make sure it is in the language of love that your teen speaks, not you. So if you're a hugger and they don't like to be hugged, don't hug them.
00:19:23
Speaker
That won't help. If they like to play games, And you're not a fan of it, but you want to build connection, go play games. Yeah. Right? Small, constant steps towards that connectedness and understanding them is huge.
00:19:38
Speaker
Yeah. i started watching a series with my son just to connect and talk more with him. So that really helped me. Huge. Yeah. Build more of a relationship with him. um Dr.
Contact Information for Dr. Cam Caswell
00:19:51
Speaker
Cam, tell us where we can find you online, like your website, your podcast. So if anyone wants to learn more about your work and anything that you do around teens, where they can go.
00:20:03
Speaker
Perfect. So you can find my podcast. Mm-hmm. Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam um on all the podcast platforms. I'm on Instagram every day at Dr. Cam Caswell. um So you can follow me there. And my website is just askdrcam.com. And you can find everything I do and offer and all the programs and and courses and everything that I have for parents there.
00:20:30
Speaker
Fantastic. Thank you so much for your time today. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me on. I enjoyed this.