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S3/Ep 10: Custody Combat Zone: Mental Health, Manipulation & Protecting Your Kids
12 Plays8 days ago
High-conflict separation ends healthy family dynamics and destroys childhoods. When parents weaponize their children, coach them to lie about the other parent, manipulate therapy sessions to serve their agenda, or pit siblings against each other in impossible loyalty battles, the emotional devastation can last a lifetime.
After 40 years and over 4,000 high-conflict custody evaluations, Dr. Peter Favaro has witnessed the darkest tactics parents use against each other—and the collateral damage inflicted on children caught in the middle. As Managing Director of a leading custody evaluation practice, he's seen how inter-parental hatred strains relationships and distorts reality, causing parents to genuinely believe the other parent is dangerous even when evidence suggests otherwise.
In this essential conversation for anyone navigating difficult co-parenting, Dr. Favaro discusses:
- What "weaponizing children" actually looks like—the specific tactics toxic parents use and why they convince themselves it's justified
- The role of personality disorders—how narcissistic and borderline personality disorder patterns fuel high-conflict custody battles
- How inter-parental hatred warps perception—when parents create false narratives of danger that trap children in psychological warfare
- Character disorders vs. difficult personalities—understanding when you're dealing with a disordered parent and what that means for your children
- The destruction of sibling relationships—how high-conflict parents turn brothers and sisters against each other
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Transcript
Introduction to Season Three
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to season three of the guardians of hope podcast. We are a community of parents, educators, health, legal, and tech experts dedicated to positively impacting children's lives.
00:00:10
Speaker
The thoughts and opinions of my guests are not my own. This is a platform for sharing. All right. Welcome everyone. Today we are talking about high conflict, divorce, or separation. It doesn't just hurt parents. It devastates children.
00:00:26
Speaker
When co-parents weaponize their kids, turn siblings against each other, or use therapy as a manipulation tool, the damage can last a lifetime.
Understanding Weaponized Parenting
00:00:36
Speaker
Dr. Peter Favaro has evaluated over 4,000 high conflict custody cases over the last 40 years. So he's seen it all.
00:00:47
Speaker
Parents coaching children to lie, toxic manipulation disguised as protection, and siblings caught in impossible loyalty battles.
00:00:57
Speaker
Today, we discuss how to recognize weaponized parenting, protect children from toxic co-parent dynamics, and why taking the high road isn't weakness. It's the only way to save your kids.
Dr. Peter Favaro's Background
00:01:11
Speaker
Dr. Peter, thank you so much for joining me today. thank you for having me. Yes. So why don't we get started by telling us about your background and the work that you do.
00:01:23
Speaker
Well, ah my background is in psychology. i have two PhDs in psychology and some postdoctoral work as well. And I've been in practice for 40 years.
00:01:37
Speaker
I started out my practice as a child psychologist. And then one day got a letter from the court that I didn't really understand asking me to evaluate a family.
00:01:48
Speaker
So I read up about it. I did that one. And then ah essentially 40 years later, I've done more than 4,000 of them.
00:02:00
Speaker
So my practice currently is the practice of psychology in court related settings. I do a lot of custody evaluations and I work in the federal court by doing evaluations of international child abductions.
00:02:19
Speaker
So These days I'm working nationally and globally and I write a lot of books.
Dr. Favaro's Publications and Upcoming Works
00:02:27
Speaker
um My last book was my 21st book. It was called The Bad People Bible. It's all about how to remove toxic influence from your life.
00:02:37
Speaker
ah I did the Navigating the Civility High Road, which is about high conflict divorce. i write I wrote the book called the anger management. ah And I have three more coming out.
00:02:51
Speaker
One is a mental health self care book called foundation. You can get that on Amazon now. And then I have a book on mindfulness and also a book on hatred and how it essentially devalues empathy in our society.
00:03:11
Speaker
Hmm. So you're highly experienced, Dr. Peter, and I'm really looking forward to having this conversation with you. So thanks for joining. i have my first question ah just to describe what weaponizing children actually looks like in a difficult co-parenting situation. And what are some of the tactics that parents use ah and justify this behavior?
How Parents Weaponize Children
00:03:39
Speaker
Well, I think it's a broad question. There are so many things that parents do to weaponize. Some of them, the things that they do are obvious.
00:03:49
Speaker
You know, when a parent talks badly about the other parent, for instance, that will that will weaponize children and force them into a loyalty conflict.
00:04:00
Speaker
And some things which parents think are good are really bad. For instance, when a parent says to me, I will support anything my child wants to do. If they want to see their father, I won't stop them.
00:04:16
Speaker
And if they don't want them, I won't force them. And that seems like a nice thing to say to kids, but it's really one of the most alienating and toxic things you can say to a child. Because when you have that conversation and when you say that, you already know that the child doesn't want to see the parent.
00:04:38
Speaker
Right. so You know, what you're doing at that point is you're trying to make it look like you're a supportive co-parent when in reality you're not.
00:04:49
Speaker
So there's a lot of things like that that parents do. Yeah. And let's talk about what inner parental hatred looks like, how that distorts
Impact of Interparental Hatred
00:05:00
Speaker
reality. um When parents genuinely believe the other parent is dangerous, even if they're not, how does that warp perception and what damage does it do to children who become caught in a false narrative?
00:05:15
Speaker
So a lot of people will admit that they get angry. Almost no one will admit that they're hateful. And what I see in the course of my practice is parents who are really hateful.
00:05:32
Speaker
And i think that when you carry around the burden of hatred, you're willing to believe anything about the other parent. And then you see what you think are signs of another parent doing something dangerous to your child.
00:05:49
Speaker
And you think you're being protective. But you're not. You're being delusional. a lot of A lot of cases that I have, the parent will believe that their child is being abused.
00:06:03
Speaker
And there's no evidence to support it. And the child doesn't report it. But they still hang on to that belief. And some of it really is around ah sexual abuse.
00:06:14
Speaker
And that parents who really hate the other parent and are willing to believe anything about the other parent, will come up with these allegations and ultimately those allegations backfire.
00:06:27
Speaker
And if there's no evidence to support your allegations, it's a very good chance you'll lose custody. So it's, it's important to monitor your own hate and to not be,
00:06:42
Speaker
I would say reticent about owning, owning that hate and doing something about it. So I think that, interparental hatred on both sides, on by mothers and by fathers. you know It's very, very big for fathers to claim that the mothers are crazy. yeah you know The mothers believe that the fathers are abusive.
00:07:10
Speaker
And what happens when the parent claims the other parent is mentally ill is ultimately they're going to come to see somebody like me. And I'm going to determine whether or not they're mentally ill.
00:07:22
Speaker
And if they're not mentally ill, then you get in trouble for making the allegation. And I think that's, you know, these are basic mistakes that people make.
00:07:33
Speaker
And ah a lot of times it they result in the person who's making the allegation loses custody of the child. Mm-hmm. Now, a quick follow-up question, Dr. Peter. Are you court-appointed or do parents select
Court-Appointed Evaluations and Rebuttals
00:07:51
Speaker
you? Are you a neutral party? Just so just for some more context here. About 90% of the time, I'm court-appointed.
00:07:59
Speaker
okay um And about 10% of the time, I come in to say, to give rebuttal testimony and to say that the person who did the evaluation for the court didn't do it well.
00:08:14
Speaker
Okay. Understood. Okay. Thank you for that clarification. So um when you provide reports to the court, um do you provide any type of counsel like next steps? What should parents do to alleviate this high conflict situation. um What are some things you can tell my viewers, you know, just to keep in mind um if they are in this situation where there is hatred going on um between the parents?
00:08:51
Speaker
ah You know, sometimes judges will ask me to advise them and sometimes they will actually forbid it ah because they're the judge and they want to do the job of the decision making.
00:09:04
Speaker
But my options for recommendations for people would include co-parenting counseling, parenting coordination, things of that type.
Challenges of Counseling in Court Situations
00:09:18
Speaker
But the bottom line is those things really aren't that effective. ah Counseling is not effective. Therapy is not effective. Because if you if you think of the main premise of therapy, it's people go They go there because they want to change their behavior.
00:09:38
Speaker
That's why people go to therapy. Right. When parents are forced to go to therapy by the court, most of them go believe that believing that they didn't do anything wrong. And, you know, they spend most of their time arguing with a therapist about what things need to change and where they have to look inside to acknowledge what they're doing and change it. But people don't want to do that.
00:10:05
Speaker
you know Yeah. Well, let's switch gears a little bit and talk about sibling relationships. um You know, this topic has so many layers. So why don't we talk about how parents ah in high conflict can destroy sibling relationships?
High-Conflict Co-Parenting Effects
00:10:25
Speaker
How do toxic co-parents turn siblings against each other? And what can the healthier parent do to protect those bonds between siblings?
00:10:37
Speaker
Well, you know, the most common scenario is that one of the siblings has a loyalty conflict. And they attach themselves to the manipulative parent to be loyal to that parent.
00:10:54
Speaker
And then the other child sometimes feels protective of the other parent. And it becomes a circumstance where the children are deeply, deeply involved in the conflict.
00:11:08
Speaker
And then one child decides they're not going to visit the parent that ah they're disloyal to. And then that becomes a custody fight in and of itself.
00:11:20
Speaker
And then the siblings get separated. Now, the court does not like to separate siblings.
00:11:28
Speaker
But in the most high conflict cases, they do because the siblings are now at war with one another as well. And one of them may be acting out.
00:11:41
Speaker
So the court will sometimes experiment and separate siblings when traditionally they will not.
00:11:51
Speaker
Okay. Now for the parent on the receiving end, watching ex-girlfriend, manipulate the children, causing these types of dynamics where the children are separated, um facing false accusations, and seeing ah their their own relationship with their children deteriorate, what should they do?
00:12:14
Speaker
How do they protect themselves and their children without making things worse?
Strategies for Dealing with Toxic Co-Parents
00:12:20
Speaker
well So a lot of the advice that I give is counterintuitive.
00:12:27
Speaker
And this topic starts off by saying, do not expect a hostile co-parent to do what's right because you're not going to correct them.
00:12:40
Speaker
If you could correct them, you'd probably still be with them. You'd have an open dialogue. I always say, Don't tell me about what should happen.
00:12:51
Speaker
Don't tell me about what's fair. I know what's fair and I know what should happen. Parents should get along. I'm going to teach you how to do what is strategically in your best interest.
00:13:04
Speaker
And that is usually involves co-parenting less, not more, even though it doesn't sound right. That's what you should do.
00:13:15
Speaker
Uh, abbreviate your conversations with your co-parent, watch what you say don't tell your co-parent what they should be doing, excuse me, and concentrate on your kids.
00:13:31
Speaker
You know, some co-parenting relationships are irreparable. You cannot repair them. So what you need to do is you need to minimize
00:13:44
Speaker
Yeah. So in your book, which is called Navigating the Civility High Road, um the parent is toxic, weaponizing children, everything we just talked about.
00:13:56
Speaker
How does one take the high road without being a doormat? You just talked about it a little bit, you know, abbreviating your conversations. Don't tell the parent, the other parent, what to do. But what about, you know, taking the high road um without just – being completely um unresponsive or not doing anything, like I said, without being a doormat? What does that actually look like?
00:14:23
Speaker
Well, you know if if the range of responsiveness you could give your co-parent, your hostile, toxic, narcissistic, or borderline co-parent is one to 10, then I would say keep your interactions at a three.
00:14:42
Speaker
Give neutral information. Always give information. And don't try to go punch for punch because a toxic co-parent is usually much better at fighting than you are.
00:14:59
Speaker
yeah Don't engage. And there's a clinical reason for this as well. The types of toxic individuals that I see usually fall into what we call professionally character disorders.
00:15:17
Speaker
And the two most common character disorders that you see are narcissistic personality and borderline personality. And I don't like either one of those terms, but most people learn them. They become amateur psychologists while they're going through their divorce case.
00:15:35
Speaker
i don't like the I don't like the characterization borderline personality because it's misogynistic. um If you're a narcissistic male, then people look at that male and say, hey, he's a guy. you know They're all they were all hung up on themselves.
00:15:50
Speaker
But if somebody calls you a borderline, then you're crazy. So it's much, much worse. But what the two terms have in common is attachment difficulties.
00:16:07
Speaker
They can't detach from a relationship. So if they can't stay connected to you through your worship of them, they'll stay connected to you through conflict.
00:16:19
Speaker
And that's another great reason to abbreviate your contact with that person because it fuels their desire to win every little battle between you.
00:16:32
Speaker
And I tell people, whenever you're having a tug of war with someone, it's perfectly appropriate to let go of the rope and not keep playing. And that's not letting yourself be a doormat at all.
00:16:44
Speaker
It's being strategic. And that's when I help people individually individually, I teach them how to be strategic and not escalate. Strategic wins your custody case.
00:16:59
Speaker
Going punch for punch with somebody could could lose your custody case, especially if you're if especially if you're a woman and especially if you're an abused woman.
Custody Challenges for Abused Women
00:17:10
Speaker
When abused women enter custody battles, they are more likely to lose custody of their children when they talk about narcissistic abuse or things things of that sort. now of course, you have to talk about domestic violence if it exists, but You're not going to get very far in court by claiming the other person is quote unquote emotionally abusive.
00:17:37
Speaker
The courts are becoming more and more aware of what we now call intimate partner violence, which is due to, which has a component of course of control in it. And that course of control can exist without any physical abuse, but it's nuanced and you have to know how to bring it to the court's attention.
00:17:57
Speaker
Right. Dr. Peter, thank you so much for your time and discussing all of this at a high level. Where can ah people find more information about you? Do you have a website? And I know you mentioned your books are sold on Amazon. And ah is there another source of information people can use to learn more about your work and or reach out to you?
Resources and Q&A with Dr. Favaro
00:18:20
Speaker
Yes, I have a Teachables website, which has a lot of free information on it. And it also has information on things like civility and monthly Q&As with me directly. And you can find that on centerihr.teachables.com.
00:18:45
Speaker
dot teachables dot com. And you can get to a lot of the, you can get to the free stuff. The only thing people sometimes don't like to do in order to gain entrance to the site, you have to pick a username and a password and that's usually your email, but I don't distribute any of that information anywhere.
00:19:06
Speaker
Okay, great. Well, that is a wonderful resource. Thank you, Dr. Peter.
00:19:13
Speaker
You're very welcome.