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S3/Ep 18: How Stepparents Can Provide What Kids in Blended Families Need
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Blended families are more common than ever, and yet stepparenting remains one of the most complex, most misunderstood, and least supported roles in modern family life. Most stepparents walk in with the best of intentions, ready to love and show up, only to find themselves feeling invisible, unwelcome, or like no matter what they do, it's wrong. The cultural stereotypes don't help. Neither does stepping into a home full of existing history, existing wounds, and existing relationships, with no roadmap for how to find your place in it.
In this episode, Dr. Amy Todey, a psychologist specializing in coparenting, divorce, and child development, joins us for an honest and deeply practical conversation about what healthy stepparenting actually looks like. From understanding why well-meaning stepparents often disrupt rather than support, to navigating the boundaries between your role and the co-parenting relationship, to what children truly experience in blended families, Dr. Todey offers clarity, compassion, and a new way of thinking about what you're actually building, even on the days it doesn't feel like enough.
Key Takeaways:
- Support, don't disrupt — the most powerful thing a stepparent can do is strengthen a child's existing world rather than trying to replace or reshape it
- Knowing your lane isn't giving up — understanding where your role ends and the co-parenting relationship begins is a strength, not a limitation
- What you're building matters, even when it's invisible — the consistency, patience, and quiet presence of a stepparent leaves a lasting imprint on a child's life, even when it goes unacknowledged
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Transcript
Introduction to Blended Families
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to season three of the guardians of hope podcast. We are a community of parents, educators, health, legal, and tech experts dedicated to positively impacting children's lives. The thoughts and opinions of my guests are not my own. This is a platform for sharing. Hey, welcome everyone.
00:00:15
Speaker
Blended families are more common than ever. And yet step parenting might be one of the least talked about, least supported roles in modern family life.
00:00:25
Speaker
You step into a home with existing history, existing wounds, in existing relationships, and somehow you're expected to find your place without a map.
Guest Introduction: Dr. Amy Toddy
00:00:37
Speaker
Today, we're joined by Dr. Amy Toddy, a psychologist who specializes in co-parenting, divorce, and child development. Her work centers on one of the most important questions in blended family life.
00:00:52
Speaker
How do we build something healthy for children when the family structure is anything but simple? Dr. Tati, welcome. Thanks for joining. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. Yeah, I'm excited to talk to you about this. So let's start with something very
Challenges of Step-parenting
00:01:10
Speaker
honest. that parenting has been a bit of an image problem, right? Between cultural stereotypes and the genuine complexity of the role, a lot of step parents walk in already feeling like they're behind. So what's the first thing that you want them to know?
00:01:29
Speaker
So, I mean, that's just such a great question because you're right, there are so many cultural stereotypes around step parenting and it's really gotten a bad rap. um The first thing that I want step parents to know is really you're not behind. You're entering a system that takes time, right? um Step parenting, if if you if it's done well, is one of the most important things relationships in kids' lives that they'll ever have, but it has to be done right. And it's really like a slow grow process. So it is a very common common family structure.
00:02:04
Speaker
About one in three U.S. children will live in a blended family before they reach adulthood. And um research shows us that step-parenting relationships develop more slowly than other
Supporting Existing Family Dynamics
00:02:18
Speaker
relationships do. And it's just, Cynthia, it's just what you said, right? Like,
00:02:22
Speaker
step parents walk into a situation where there are already wounds from the history. There's already systems and traditions and habits in place that kids are used to at navigating. And now you're integrating, you're trying to like integrate yourself into that, that life that you haven't been a part of previously. So it is, it is normal for trust and closeness to take years, not days, weeks, or months.
00:02:49
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And you use a phrase that I love, um support don't disrupt. Can you unpack that for us? And what does disruption look like in a blended family? And how do well-meaning step parents accidentally do it without realizing?
00:03:10
Speaker
So the way that step parenting can disrupt rather than support is really when step parents come in and I will say, like most step-parents I've worked with, of course, are well-intentioned, right? this isn't This comes from a good place. you You want to create strong bonds with the kids you're going to be step-parenting. You're trying to be a positive force of good in their life, right? But sometimes step-parents come in and they're so eager to start in their new role that they may unintentionally disrupt their
00:03:44
Speaker
the existing attachment attachment bonds that exist or create a situation where they're um competing with the biological parents that these kids already have because they're trying to find their place. Right.
Step-parent Role and Boundaries
00:03:58
Speaker
So sometimes the reason what the research really shows is that the the conflict or the tension that exists with step parenting is really around role confusion and boundary ambiguity. Like what is my role here? How do I fit in? You're trying, you're maybe a little insecure coming in to a family, especially because you're contending with all these cultural stereotypes that you started talking about, Cynthia, w right? yeah then um
00:04:24
Speaker
And then in addition to that, these are new, new relationships with the children. And you also have the triangulation between, you, your partner, right, that your your romantic partner, as well as that partner's co-parent, who is not present in your daily life, but who is still parenting those kids. And if there's tension that exists between your partner and your partner's co-parent, that can be really difficult to navigate as well.
00:04:57
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, absolutely. You brought up such a an incredible point. I wanted to ask you something about figuring out where their lane ends and where that co-parenting relationship begins. So how do you counsel step-parents on navigating that boundary, especially when they're watching their partner struggle with a difficult co-parent? Like you mentioned, there may be some challenges between that existing relationship. And every instinct is telling the new spouse or partner to step in, but they should probably stay in their lane. So what do you have to say to all of
Building Bonds as a Step-parent
00:05:36
Speaker
that?
00:05:36
Speaker
Yeah. So, I mean, what I have to say is just understanding that when you first enter a family, family as a step parent, like I said, your relationship with the kids and your place within that system will grow slowly. And you have to expect and lean into that and embrace that rather than trying to fight it. Because with kids, and this is actually a rule that goes well beyond step parenting, it's like a rule of thumb. You have to connect with them before you can start correcting or leading, right? So the relationship with them, and this can take years, right? It's not necessarily something that's going to happen and over days, particularly because Kids are often bouncing back and forth between their home with you and your partner and their co-parent's home. Right? Right. And what they are navigating is loyalty binds between parents, they They might be worried like, oh, if I love my step parent, what is my other parent going to think? The parent who's not present, they might really feel like they need to protect that other parent. There's a lot of confusing emotions that are going on for kids during that time. And so easing into that role, really being sensitive to the fact that kids are going to be slow to warm to you, that is normal. It is natural. It doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong.
Avoiding Common Mistakes
00:07:00
Speaker
It doesn't mean that you failed. it is a It is a long game, right? And so the mistakes that I see step parents making is stepping into discipline too quickly, right? So you really have to spend a long time, sometimes years, really just being there, being a supportive person for your partner and as well as for, you know, the kids that they are parenting, right? Right. So having respect for the difference in those roles. um Another mistake I see step parents making is just competing with the other parents. Like I was saying before, kids really struggle when they are forced to choose loyalties between their parents. And so if you are. a stepmom and you're trying to compete with the role of a biological mom, that's going to place tension and stress, not just on the kids, but on the entire family system. And then the other thing, ah the other mistake I see step parents making is rewriting family rituals too quickly, right? There's already um patterns and routines and structure around what those kids are doing when you step into that family and blending families really takes the wisdom to understand that like, you want to step into that slowly, right? You want to change things slowly so that kids' nervous systems don't get shocked, right? yeah
00:08:16
Speaker
um So those are just some some things. I guess one other thing that I would say is like, step parents often step into families that are really struggling. Like maybe your partner and their co-parent are having a lot of tension and you are kind of on the outside So that gives you perspective that they may not have. And you may think like, oh, I can fix this problem. Right. Or the child in the family that you step into is really struggling. Maybe they've been just struggling in school or struggling with something else like, oh, I can come in and handle this. I know how to do it. Right. Jumping into that too too fast, again, is going to put you in a competitive role with the other parents that are involved. And it might feel just intrusive to the child you're trying to help rather than feeling supportive.
00:09:01
Speaker
Yeah, that all can be overwhelming. And ah connecting back to the child's perspective, um from their point of view, what does a healthy stepparent look like? um And how do kids experience the difference between stepparent who's actually getting it um or someone with, even with good intentions, adding stress to the child's life?
Healthy Step-parent Relationships
00:09:26
Speaker
mean, it's such a great question, right? So um what I can tell you is what what research shows about step parenting is that healthy relationships with step parents are really associated with more positive outcomes for children what you know that that extend well into adulthood. So it really is an important role. um But in terms of responding to your question, it's warmth and support first. That child, the child in that family needs to experience you as like a mentor, a supportive adult, right? Like in my family, um you know, I'm married and I have my own kids. I'm very close to my sister and my kids are very close to her. And sometimes they'll come to her with things that they won't come to me with because she's a different person. And I love that they have that attachment bond, right? But my sister also does not come in. She defers to me as a parent, right? She doesn't come in and try to rule differently on things that I've already made a decision about, for example. And she has built those bonds with them over time. And so really being warm, supportive, being like a bonus person, listening, like giving advice, giving, I think from a parenting perspective is most of the time a mistake anyway, but particularly when you're in a step parent role. you you your insecurity might motivate you to to to try to um present like confident, you know, with a lot of advice or ideas or, you know, perspectives. Really what you want to do though is hang back and let those kids come to you and be that listening ear, that person who who just shows up for them, the soft place to land for them. And the other thing that I would say, besides the warmth, you know, the warmth and the approachability, the other thing would be just
00:11:10
Speaker
having tremendous respect for the role of biological parents. Even if your your partner's co-parent is very flawed, even if they're an alcoholic, even if you feel like they're inappropriate or abusive, research shows us that children, the quality of children's relationship with their biological parents, that can go up and down. And sometimes the quality of those relationships are poor. But the attachment can still be very strong. And really, when we're trying to protect loyalty binds, we're trying to protect that indelible attachment because that is what's associated with kids' self-esteem. So the idea would be um if you reject my other parent, if my other parent is bad, if they're unworthy, if you you hate them or don't love them, does that mean you reject me
Supporting Child's Attachment to Biological Parents
00:12:00
Speaker
too? Do you not love me too? Am I not good enough? right? That child will not see those biological parent bonds as separate from who they are. So really as a step parent coming in with the wisdom and understanding that that child needs to know that you are not threatened by the love they have for that other parent, that, you know, that your partner isn't threatened by that love, that children have enough love in their hearts to love multiple people in a lot of different ways. And you are going to always support those attachments and doesn't mean con condone bad or abusive behavior. That's not what I'm saying, right? But supporting the attachment that child has with both of their biological parents, hugely important for step parenting.
00:12:41
Speaker
Yeah, it's so wonderful that you define the difference, like you shared that they can have a strong, consistent attachment versus the relationship and the communication and the feelings associated with that other parent. So thank you for making that distinction. um Now, one last question for you, for listeners who are in the thick of it right now, maybe they feel invisible, or like no matter what they do is wrong, what's the most important truth that you want them to hold on to? know you talked a lot in depth about just taking time. It you can take years, but um what what should they know about what they're actually building even right now when it doesn't feel like it's enough?
Encouragement and Long-term Outcomes
00:13:28
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, great question. Positive step parenting relationships significantly improve child outcomes. So Children who have warm, supportive relationships with their step parents, research shows us that they have better psychological well-being, fewer behavior problems, and better academic adjustment. So stay the course.
00:13:49
Speaker
Try to remember to fall back on that warmth, support role, right? Honor the child's relationship with their biological parents that already exist and know that you are building something amazing, but that the growth, the the relationship will grow over time.
00:14:08
Speaker
Thank you, Dr.
Connect with Dr. Toddy
00:14:10
Speaker
Toddy. Now, where how can people find you Where can they um find more about you and your work? I know you have a wonderful website with lots of resources. So why don't you share that with us?
00:14:20
Speaker
Yeah. So you can find me if you want to go to my website. It's www.toddysychology.com. And you can see how my name is spelled right there. right there on the, on the screen. And then the other place you can find me is on Instagram. And so my handle is Dr. Amy Toddy, and I'm posting a lot on topics related to co-parenting, step parenting, as well as just parenting and child development in general, because that's another background for me. So yeah, I'd love to see you in either of those online communities.
00:14:48
Speaker
Amazing. Dr. Toddy, thank you again ah for your wisdom and the beautiful view. um yeah so appreciate your time. Thank you.