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Season Two/Episode Thirteen: The Male Loneliness Epidemic - Breaking the Emotional Armor
26 Plays20 days ago
What if the male loneliness epidemic isn't just a mental health crisis, but the predictable result of systems designed to strip boys of their emotional capacity?
In this episode, Brandon Bishop, author of "The 7 Anchors of Emotional Intelligence," reveals a harsh truth: our culture deliberately punishes boys for emotional expression to serve systems that profit from disconnection. He shares how reclaiming emotional intelligence isn't just personal healing—it's an act of resistance against unsustainable models of masculinity. He reveals his 7-anchor framework for helping men break free from emotional armor.
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Transcript
Introduction to Guardians of Hope
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Guardians of Hope podcast, where we bring together parents, nonprofits, legal and medical experts dedicated to positively impacting children's lives. I'm your host, Cynthia Ramsaran. The thoughts and opinions of my guests are not necessarily my own.
00:00:15
Speaker
So thank you all for joining and sharing. Welcome
Loneliness Among Men: A Silent Crisis
00:00:19
Speaker
everyone. Today we confront a silent crisis, the epidemic of loneliness plaguing men driven by emotional suppression.
00:00:28
Speaker
Joining us is Brandon Bishop, an emotional intelligence educator and author of The Seven Anchors of Emotional Intelligence. Brandon experienced firsthand how culture punishes boys for showing vulnerability and kindness.
00:00:42
Speaker
He transformed that painful experience into a mission, helping men reclaim the emotional capacities that were stripped away from them. Brandon, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you, Cynthia. It's my pleasure.
00:00:58
Speaker
Of course. So why don't you start by telling me more about your experience and your work?
Brandon's Journey and Emotional Intelligence
00:01:04
Speaker
Yeah. So when we talk about my experience, my experience with but emotional intelligence started from an early age.
00:01:13
Speaker
um My professional education experience started actually in a chemistry classroom. So when I first started down the education route, I was a chemistry teacher, but my emotional intelligence journey began when I was a child.
00:01:28
Speaker
So my experience hasn't been studying emotional intelligence, you know, and getting my PhD in sociology. I mean, we have Daniel Globloom and Brene Brown and and so many others who are doing great work in that area.
00:01:41
Speaker
um So my experience has all been lived through personal experience. It's, you know, me discovering the seven anchors of emotional intelligence has it been through difficult life experiences where I had to choose um sometimes in really difficult situations.
00:02:01
Speaker
And and and maneuver in life with self-awareness and empathy.
00:02:13
Speaker
So it's really life experience. her Thanks for sharing that Brandon. Now you talked, um, when we initially spoke before the podcast recording, you told me you were raised without an emotionally supportive male role model and you were bullied for expressing natural traits like kindness and sensitivity.
00:02:35
Speaker
Can you take us back to that pivotal moment when you realize the culture around you was actively punishing boys for being emotionally available?
00:02:46
Speaker
Yeah, you know, it's difficult to pin down an exact moment because culture is ubiquitous and it's all encompassing in our environment.
00:02:58
Speaker
So when you talk about an exact moment when I realized I was being shamed, I think a lot of people would recognize that most boys are told growing up, you know, if they ever show any emotional vulnerability, like crying, for example, you're told not to cry. You're told not to be a sissy. You're told to man up.
00:03:17
Speaker
And those experiences, even if they aren't direct, even if they're observed, they make an imprint on your psychology.
00:03:28
Speaker
And boys learn from an early age that it isn't okay. to be seen emotionally vulnerable. And again, whether that's from a direct attack or if it's just from observing others, maybe in a sports team, or maybe it's a ah brother or a cousin, this indoctrination, I'll call it, happens at a really, really yeah begins at an early age, but also is so pervasive.
00:03:58
Speaker
I think it's hard for any boy to pinpoint a specific moment where they realize they were being punished for it.
Societal Impacts on Masculinity and Self-Worth
00:04:05
Speaker
Um, does that answer your question? Yeah. Why don't we talk back to, or look back at what it felt like as a child and maybe how it shaped your understanding of what boys and men were supposed to be. Right.
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah. So you learn, at least I learned, um, to suppress certain parts of myself, here you know, it it's, um, so I think that's what boys learn to do. They learn to suppress, they learn to suppress their fear.
00:04:40
Speaker
They learn to suppress their sadness. They learn to suppress very natural core parts of the human experience because they're supposed to quote unquote, be a man or, um,
00:04:53
Speaker
that some stereotype or archetype that we've created as a society that we've given value to, or that we've defined as masculinity. But really, all those boys who are afraid, or they're sad, or maybe they're more nurturing, um maybe they like to play with dolls instead of talking trucks, or maybe both.
00:05:12
Speaker
They're just as much boys, they're just as much, you know, masculine, if you will. But society's norms, the cultural norms of society and people's beliefs um can kind of get inside a little boy's head and make him question his masculinity or his worth or his value and um in society. And that's the damage and it's very nuanced. um And and and that's but that's kind of what happens to any any young kid. They just learn to suppress or wear an armor um just to
00:05:51
Speaker
you know, to seem stoic or to seem quote unquote manly. hey Yeah. Just the other day, my son told me, oh man up mom. It's going to, and like, that's just like a term that he uses man up.
00:06:05
Speaker
And I said, well, what does that really mean? um you're allowed to feel what you feel without genderizing something. Right. And that's a whole other conversation, Brandon,
00:06:16
Speaker
um about labeling things as a gender, about feeling things a way a man should versus women with all the fluidity that we see nowadays. um But yeah, it's just so
Discovering True Self Through the Seven Anchors
00:06:29
Speaker
normalized. And I'm interested in learning more about how you put pen to paper around this topic, right?
00:06:36
Speaker
Your book presents seven anchors of emotional intelligence, self-awareness, empathy, resilience, integrity, growth, pat compassion, and mindfulness.
00:06:47
Speaker
Now, I'm particularly struck by how you reframe resilience not as an enduring pain in silence, but finding strength in honesty or emotional honesty.
00:07:00
Speaker
Can you walk us through how these anchors work together to help men break free from the emotional armor that you mentioned that they've been taught to wear?
00:07:10
Speaker
Yeah. So i don't think of the anchors as helping men break free. Okay. um Anchors are what keep a maritime vessel steady in turbulent waters.
00:07:22
Speaker
So to me, the anchors don't set anyone free. My goal in writing about the seven anchors is helping other men and women, actually anybody uncover who they are beneath all of the waves of social norms and social expectations.
00:07:42
Speaker
Who are you without the performance? um So these anchors and uncovering these anchors, being self-aware, um recognizing you know empathy and resilience, it isn't really an attempt to help people break free.
00:07:59
Speaker
It's an attempt to help people dial back on who they really are, because I feel like who we are at our core is is better understood if we remove the noise of, you know, what type of husband are you supposed to be? What type of son are you supposed to be? What type of community member are you supposed to be? What type of student were you taught to be?
00:08:25
Speaker
all of these things interfere with us connecting to who we really are because we are performing on a big, big stage. And my goal in the seven anchors is to help people dig beneath all of that and really uncover who you are as a human being without all of the indoctrination, without the cultural expectations.
00:08:53
Speaker
Um, And I think that's really important because I think most people are good. Most people. Okay. So out of all the, or the seven areas that you cover in your book, um, which one are you drawn more to Brandon?
00:09:14
Speaker
What has helped you the most? For me, the one that is most moving and has been the most challenging for me is integrity. It's, It's living your life in accordance with who you truly are, which is an extremely difficult thing for a lot of people because before you can get to that place of integrity, you first have to figure out who you are, which is that self-awareness piece, which is pretty much the foundation um of everything.
00:09:41
Speaker
But then getting to a place of integrity can be really difficult because the world does expect certain things from us. And maybe that doesn't really fit who we really are.
00:09:53
Speaker
and living our lives um in complete harmony with who we really are as a person, it's difficult for people to get there.
00:10:06
Speaker
And for me, it was very, very difficult. and i And I believe that, you know, there's a lot of growth and pain that comes from that, um that people don't expect, but it's really important because it's the only time you can feel as though you're living You're living an authentic life.
00:10:24
Speaker
Mm-hmm. That makes sense, Brandon. So why don't we bring the conversation back to my mission, which is child advocacy and just raising awareness for people to be their um their best selves to raise kids, right?
Consequences of Emotional Suppression
00:10:41
Speaker
We're seeing a lot of or unprecedented levels of loneliness among men. You and I talked about this um earlier um with devastating consequences for mental health, relationships and community.
00:10:55
Speaker
You've connected this directly to decades of emotional suppression. So what does this look like on the ground and how do men typically respond when you work with them about emotional intelligence?
00:11:08
Speaker
Yeah. um Well, emotional,
00:11:13
Speaker
guess, loneliness is is what it's being called and the emotional suppression, it can show up in a lot of ways. I think it shows up in the inability to communicate effectively.
00:11:26
Speaker
It shows up as withdrawal. It shows up as um anger. It can show up as irritability. And in some cases, that loneliness shows up as substance abuse.
00:11:40
Speaker
It really um depends on the person and what their support system is around them. um So that's what it looks like on the ground. um It could be any one of those things or are more than one of those things for each for each man.
00:11:57
Speaker
So one of your anchors that you mentioned in the book is growth, the willingness to break these inherited patterns, to become more emotionally fluent partners, fathers, friends.
Breaking Toxic Patterns and Parenting
00:12:10
Speaker
This sounds like deep work, deep generational healing work. Can you share a little bit of what this process looks like for men who are trying to give their children or partner something they've never received themselves?
00:12:24
Speaker
Yeah, no, thanks for bringing up growth. it it It is one of the, you know, it's ah it's a very uncomfortable anchor sir to acquire because it I think the process involves a lot of questioning. Like we talked about initially, there's a lot of programming that happens from parents, from teachers, from school, from churches or religious communities.
00:12:49
Speaker
And part of growth is, First of all, recognizing toxic behaviors in the first place. some you know Some people walk through life and they just repeat toxic behaviors because maybe they have a great fondness or a great love for their grandfather or their or they mother or their their father.
00:13:11
Speaker
So because they have that great love, they think that those toxic behaviors were somehow right. So rather than ever critique them or ask themselves, is this the best way? They just repeat all of this trauma and they pass it down over generations.
00:13:27
Speaker
So the process of growth really looks like a lot of questioning. It's first, you know, you have to recognize toxic behaviors. Like if you're a dad and your kid, your you know son falls off a bicycle and he starts crying, you know, what is your first impulse? Is it to say, hey, stop crying, get up and try again, or, you know, don't be a sissy or like your son told you, man up, you know,
00:13:49
Speaker
And first of all, recognizing how toxic that can be. And I think once, once somebody recognizes that it's toxic, then they get inside their head and they start doing the work of asking, where did I learn this?
00:14:02
Speaker
okay Where did it come from? And is this belief still true? And then what you have to do as an emotionally and intelligent parent is approach the situation in a better way. Like, you know, the dad can then, you know, that kid who fell off his bike,
00:14:19
Speaker
Show him warmth, show him compassion while at the same time teaching him he can get up and he can try again. You know, we can teach sensitivity and we can teach perseverance at the same time. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
00:14:31
Speaker
But so many times boys are taught it's one or the other. which just isn't healthy and it's not natural. And we don't need boys or girls or anybody suppressing feelings of disappointment or being upset.
00:14:44
Speaker
We've got to be able to hold emotions and not make people feel like there's something wrong with them for experiencing emotions. We can feel anger. We can feel sadness. We can feel envy.
00:14:57
Speaker
but we have to And we have to hold space for it because in holding space for it, we can uncover what's causing it. And if we can uncover what's causing, then we can start healing.
00:15:10
Speaker
And that's that's my work my work. My work is to heal people. Well, that leads me to my last question. and it's about kids, boys, men, who or people in general who've been conditioned to seeing caring and nurturing or even like you mentioned, your child falls off a bike, showing a little compassion and warmth as a feminine trait or as weak.
Redefining Masculinity and Emotional Courage
00:15:36
Speaker
How do you help people understand that reclaiming these capacities is just an act of courage um And what would our world look like if more men embraced this thought process?
00:15:51
Speaker
Hmm.
00:15:53
Speaker
Huh? There's a lot of inertia there. Um, because we're not just talking about a Western society that has these very strict archetypes of what manliness is or masculinity is. We're talking about, you know, I think many cultures across the world who really want to pigeonhole people.
00:16:12
Speaker
Um, into certain categories. And it's breaking through that noise is very, very difficult because I think the first person that anybody is going to look to for guidance is going to be those who are closest to them.
00:16:30
Speaker
Maybe it's an uncle, maybe it's a dad, maybe it's a grandfather. And typically speaking, how those people interpreted the world or perceived masculinity is going to be very easily inherited by the young boys that they're raising.
00:16:48
Speaker
And I want to say, and and I think it's important to mention that there are a lot of men who fit very neatly and comfortably into the male stereotypes. And that's valid. That's okay. so my my message is if you're a man who doesn't, and you don't feel like that defines you, and you felt less of a man because you didn't fit that narrative or that archetype,
00:17:13
Speaker
My message is you belong. Your masculinity is just as masculine as the archetype. And we need more men to feel comfortable being emotionally intelligent, being willing to be compassionate, it's to show empathy.
00:17:30
Speaker
We need those men who may not fit the archetype to understand their value and to show up in the world and to show up loudly because the world needs all forms of masculinity and all forms of femininity in whatever it is.
00:17:49
Speaker
And, and I think,
Building Connections Through Emotional Intelligence
00:17:50
Speaker
you know, you asked about what the world would be like for men, since we're talking about the loneliness epidemic, right? It makes the world a lot less lonely of a place when we're more real about all the different versions that we are.
00:18:06
Speaker
Loneliness comes from feeling like you can't connect and I mean, in order to escape loneliness, we have to be willing to be emotionally real. You know, you can't form bonds with people.
00:18:20
Speaker
If you, if you're, if you have a facade or a wall between you and your emotions and you can't form deep connections unless you're willing to share deeply, but you can't even share deeply unless you're willing to get to know yourself in an intimate way.
00:18:37
Speaker
So it's, you know, the kind of man that would even pick up the, a book that had the word emotional intelligence on it is already on a journey.
00:18:49
Speaker
Um, and I think that, you know, that's already somebody who feels like the current archetype doesn't really fit who they really are. And they're just exploring, you know, other ways to understand themselves or maybe find a community, um, right of like-minded people.
Conclusion and Book Information
00:19:06
Speaker
So,
00:19:09
Speaker
Brandon, this has been such a thought provoking conversation. Thank you so much for your time. i want to share where people can buy your book or where they can find it. Yeah. So my book's available at all of the, at all of the stores.
00:19:24
Speaker
So Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, Target, Books A Million. Great. So thank you so much for your time and for your work, Brandon. It was great to meet you. Hey, good to meet you too, Cynthia.
00:19:36
Speaker
All right. Thanks.