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55: A Widower’s Advice On Living Life To The Fullest with Brandon Janous (Part 4)
312 Plays3 years ago
In this week’s episode, Part 4 of the conversation with Brandon Janous brings us to the present day. Since the initial conversation Jill Devine had with Brandon in 2021, a lot has happened in the Janous family, but one of the biggest things is the publication of Brandon’s first book, Just Do!. Here’s part of the introduction Brandon wrote for the book:
This wasn’t how I’d expected my first book to begin. To be honest, before Rachel got sick, I’d already written much of what you’ll read if you keep going. And for the most part, it’s not sad. I had no intention of making you cry or bringing you to tears. Actually, what I’d written before cancer was fun, exciting, joyful, funny, and all the other feel-good words. But then life happened. Life has a way of doing that. It just happens. It would be easy for you to read that opening passage and think that you’ve stumbled upon a book full of pain and sorrow. But I’m here to assure you that what you’ll find in the following pages isn’t that. Yes, we lost Rachel. Yes, I’m going to spend some time talking about that season because she deserves to be talked about, and her story deserves to be told. Yes, it’s sad and hard and may not make sense most days. But what you’re not going to find is a book about death or dying. That’s not what this is. That’s not what Rachel would have wanted. It’s not littered with stories from the hospital or the cancer center. It could be because there were so many beautiful lessons during those days. But that’s not what this story is. It’s actually quite the opposite. This book is about living. It’s about loving. It’s about doing. Because that’s what Rachel chose to do every single moment of every single day. She lived. She loved. And even as she was dying, she continued to do. My hope for this book is that through sharing more of our families’ stories, you choose to live and love a little differently going forward.
Instagram and Facebook: @brandonjanous
Two Kids and A Career: https://www.jilldevine.com/podcast
Normal Goes A Long Way Website: https://www.normalgoesalongway.com/
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Normal Goes A Long Way is brought to you by Messiah St. Charles: https://messiahstcharles.org/
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Transcript
Jill's Church Reluctance & Podcast Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production. Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members-only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith. The normal goes a long way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation. Welcome back to normal goes a long way. I'm your host Jill Devine.
Brandon's Writing Journey & Meeting Bob Goff
00:00:45
Speaker
And this is actually part four of our conversation with Brandon Janice. So we are picking up from where we left off last week.
00:00:54
Speaker
and finishing the conversation this week.
00:00:58
Speaker
We have 45 days. We got to go get it done. And so for 45 days, minus the weekends from 7 a.m. when the kids got on the bus to 252, when they get off the bus, I rode. And it was the most enjoyable 45 days. I had so much fun. And I remember getting to that last chapter. I knew it was going to be the last chapter. My time was running up and I finished it. And I was so sad, Jill. I'm like, what am I going to do now? This is so much fun.
00:01:29
Speaker
healing and it was just beautiful. It was a beautiful time for me and it's and it's and it happened and we got it done in 45 days and just thrilled about the the entire process but that was one of the things Rachel made me promise that I'd get it done and so I don't know that anyone will read it Jill that I did not promise people would read it but I promise I get it done and myself and the kids have a book and they're they're as thrilled as I am about it.
00:01:55
Speaker
Well, you are going to have multiple readers, myself included in that. So don't you worry about that. I'm going to go back to Bob Goff. So he is so big in the Christian world. And how the heck did you get that meeting? Because that's huge. Yeah. So actually, he holds writer's retreats in California.
00:02:24
Speaker
On a whim, it was November of 20. What? Yeah. November 21. Um, a couple of weeks before it was going to happen. I just decided I had to do it. I, cause I was kind of, I was just stuck. I had the RV season. I had the six season. I had even the desk season and some of where I am today. Um, and I just couldn't figure out if there was something there, if I was wasting my time, you know, I just needed to go.
00:02:52
Speaker
Um, go see. And so it was, I promise you, it wasn't even anything from the retreat. It wasn't, it wasn't anything he said from stage or, you know, the writing things we talk about. It was sitting around a campfire with him and I explained my story. And, um, he said, man, he said, the best part is like, I was talking about the RV season and he said, you have the middle of your book and most people struggle with the middle.
00:03:17
Speaker
but you've already written the middle. The middle words are already there. We got a book in it, right? And so I left that day knowing, okay, I've got it, you know? And again, I didn't jump right into writing when I got back because life happens, right? Right. Three kids. And logistics. Like, do I go traditional publishing? Do I go self-publishing? What do I want to do there? And so all these logistic things that I hate, and that's what I think a lot where a lot of authors don't get books out, why a lot of storytellers don't tell their story,
00:03:47
Speaker
because there's a lot of headaches that come with doing that, right?
Publishing Challenges & Accepting Help
00:03:51
Speaker
Traditional publishers don't want everybody, right? And traditional publishers may want to edit it the way they want it to be edited, right? Self-publishing is hard. Self-publishing is expensive. There's a lot of things that go along with that. So that being said, having this business partner come beside me and say, hey, I'll handle all the stuff. You just write. Let's get this done. And it was just perfect timing.
00:04:16
Speaker
exited a business. For the first time in my life, I didn't really even have a job. The kids were back in school and I had this time where I'm like, okay, I have a moment where I can do it or do it. And a lot of the words were already there, Jill, as you know, like do my social posts and things like that. I would pull that and expand on it and write a chapter, right? And so the words were there. I just had to make them a book and that's what we've done.
00:04:43
Speaker
It's one of those reminders that it's OK to ask for help. And that is in all areas of life. And I feel you on the whole logistics side of things. There's a million different ideas that I have. And I'm like, man, I don't know how to do this. I don't know this. And then I hate doing research. So I don't want to research how to do this. But sometimes when something is put in front of you,
00:05:07
Speaker
that is like, hello, help is here, take it. You got to just do it. And and that's with everything. Yeah, I'm so glad you said that because I had a hard time. I had a hard time accepting help. Again, another thing Rachel wrote in her eight things was like, you have got to accept help. You have got to let people in because I had such a hard time with that. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. I didn't want people to think I needed a casserole. By the way, I don't like casseroles.
00:05:39
Speaker
But I didn't want people to feel sorry for us, I think was the thing. I knew I could do it, but you know what? I can't. There's no way I could do it without my village and my people. And I'm just so grateful, again, that they continue to show up. But it took a lot. I don't know if it's pride, Jill. I don't know what it was. But it took a lot for me to allow people in. And I'm glad Rachel again said, no, you're not good enough at this, at life, to not need help.
00:06:06
Speaker
you need help. Yeah. That was another reminder that she was right, and I do, and I always will need help. We all do. Totally. Always. You know, when you said the thing about being in the RV, and if you didn't think that that was a God thing, then yeah. I wanted to yell that out when you were talking. I was like, oh my gosh, God, you know exactly what you're doing. I'm trying to
Humor & Daily Appreciations
00:06:36
Speaker
channel the joy that you have for life and your kids and what you are doing now. And I'm bringing that up because I do want to kind of laugh a little bit because when I saw this, I immediately thought of my husband. So here's what's so fun about your book with just you.
00:06:59
Speaker
you are telling these stories, these stories that relate so well. And the puke. Oh my gosh. Let me just, I'm going to read this part. You say, if I see a puke or even hear puke, I puke. No question about it. And there is simply no way to avoid it. I wish I wasn't like this. I hate that puke is my biggest fear in life.
00:07:22
Speaker
Most of you all probably fear public speaking or death, but not me. I fear puke. This causes a huge problem when the kids are sick because I care about them so much and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to care for them until puke happens. And then you say, man, I'm glad God made mommies, not just for times of puke, but in all the other times too. That being said, when puke happens, I do find myself being extra thankful to the big guy for making mommies the way he did.
00:07:49
Speaker
I laugh because I remember one time our oldest, at one point, oh, I don't know, she's maybe two or so. In the middle of the night, she was crying. I went and got her. I knew she did something, but I didn't know really what it was. I thought maybe she spit up a little bit on me. Then we go in the bathroom and she's crying.
00:08:15
Speaker
she pukes all over me and i grabbed my husband and and like i think she green beans or whatever any comes in i'm like i need your help she's i think she has a stomach flu she's peeking all over and he's in there gagging and he's like i can't do this i go
00:08:32
Speaker
I have freaking puke all over me. And you're a gag. And we can laugh about it now. But at the time, it was not funny. I'm the one that always gets puked on and he's doing the, oh, you're not even doing anything. So thank you for sharing that. Yes, there is a special thing for mommies and the way God made us. But it's those things. It's those things that we can relate to in this book that I absolutely love.
00:09:00
Speaker
Yeah, you're so right. And again, this this goes back to, you know, being a noticer, like, you know, like you said, you and your husband can laugh about that today. But he also knows next time puke happens, you're gonna step up, you know, you're gonna do it, and you're gonna handle it. And
00:09:18
Speaker
I think it's important for us to make sure we notice what we have while we have it. I don't know that I was a noticer until it was too late, right? And I noticed all the things Rachel did.
00:09:31
Speaker
and all the things I took for granted while she was here because then I had to do them all. Everything from just the daily chores, dishes, laundry, laundry never stops. I had no idea. I had no idea it never stops. It's the worst. Grocery shopping, all the things that she did and I never noticed. I knew they got done.
00:09:53
Speaker
But I didn't notice how much time all these things took. And yet she was still able to operate and do all the other things that life threw her way. So I challenge all of y'all to just notice, man, look at your person, look at your people and see all that they do.
00:10:10
Speaker
that you take for granted on a daily basis and just thank them and notice the things because when you don't have them anymore, I promise you're going to notice it and you're going to miss all the little things. And so whether it's puke, a couple weeks after Rachel passed, I have a chapter in the book about head lice because the kids got lice and COVID had just hit. And so no one wanted to see them. And so we have lice everywhere in our house. And it was the most
00:10:38
Speaker
in terrible experience as a father trying to figure out what to do because I had no idea, because Rachel did lice. I don't do lice. Rachel did puke. Rachel did lunches. I don't do lunch. Right? And so all these things that happened that I took for granted. And so I hope out of this book, people realize, man, I've got it. I've got it pretty dang good. And I need to be better at being grateful for all the things that I'm not good at that I don't do and puke being one of those things.
Grace in Imperfection
00:11:08
Speaker
And the thing is I want to go to grace because I think sometimes for me, and this is just my personality, is I listen to you and I read this book and I'm like, I've got to change everything about me and I've got to read all these self-help books and I have to journal and I have to do that and I have to spend more time with my Bible. And what I'm learning is it doesn't have to be
00:11:35
Speaker
all or nothing. Start giving yourself grace for the things that you do accomplish, or maybe you didn't do this one thing, but like you said, you noticed. In that particular chapter that I just read from with the puke, here's what you do at the end of the chapters. You do the just do challenge, which we all need this.
00:12:02
Speaker
You, on that particular chapter with the challenge, you said time matters, all time matters. What small changes can you make in your schedule today to be there more? Not next week, not next month, not next quarter. Today, I don't know about you, but I've been guilty of playing busy more than my fair share of times. And I wanted to stop there because I just was reading a devotional about being busy and being hurried.
00:12:30
Speaker
It is very easy to be very, very busy with all the things. And you also mentioned in that challenge things like going through social media and YouTube and going down all these different rabbit holes. And sometimes you just got to stop and you just got to look. And that's the reminder I think we all need. Like it's okay if
00:12:55
Speaker
You're not doing all the things. Nobody can do all the things. But when you stop and you read a book like Brandon's and you do that thing that day, you start to realize how it feels and then you just try to do better and you just keep going. That's it. This isn't about doing it perfectly. None of us ever will. That's not what this is about. But it's amazing what happens when
00:13:25
Speaker
You put the phone down and you spend 10 minutes with the kid who's asking you to play, throw the ball, shoot the hoop, whatever it may be. 10 minutes to a kid is an eternity. The call can wait, the webinar can wait, the podcast can wait. Life has to happen. You have to get your work done. I totally understand that.
00:13:47
Speaker
I'll never regret putting it down, listening to them. You know, one of the things that Rachel always said was listen with your whole face, not the top of your head, right? When you're scrolling through your phone, listen with your whole face. So when your kids are talking to you or your spouse is talking to you, your coworker is talking to you, listen to them with your whole face. There's a big difference than not, right? Just looking down at your phone or your computer, whatever it may be, and I'm seeing the top of your head. And so I've kind of put that practice into place that when I'm talking to anyone,
00:14:15
Speaker
my phone is down because it's so easy to kind of listen and kind of be there. And so just these little practices that I put into place and I failed daily. Please understand, I failed daily, but I also asked for grace and I asked for forgiveness and I asked for, you know, any time I lose my patience with my kids, which happens more than it should,
00:14:36
Speaker
um you know there's there's a conversation about it hey you know that that shouldn't happen i'm really sorry please you know please understand where i was coming from and please forgive me whatever it may be um and it's it's amazing how that translates to them and how they then start to do that the same way because our kids are going to watch us our spouse is going to watch us our friends are going to watch us and they're going to do especially our children they're going to do what we do good bad and ugly
00:15:01
Speaker
And they're going to treat people the way we treat people, good, bad, and ugly. And so we are a constant reminder to them of how to love, and how to listen, and how to show up, or not how to love, how to listen, or how to not show up.
Children's Resilience & Coping
00:15:14
Speaker
And so, yeah, I just, I am my kid's biggest example on a daily basis. And I don't want to screw this up, Jill. No, no, I feel ya.
00:15:24
Speaker
Before we wrap up, I do want to ask about the kids and how they're doing. It's got to be tough. I know that especially on Macklin, you talked about
00:15:40
Speaker
how his relationship with Rachel, it's not that there's a difference between his sisters, but you described it that, I mean, he was kind of like her bed buddy when she was sick. And so can you talk to me about each of the kids and how they're doing and anything you want? I mean, tell me about them. I feel like I know them. I want to know them a little bit more.
00:16:07
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, gosh, they're so cool. They're so much fun. You know, we hear it all the time. Kids are resilient, but until you're around my kids, you don't realize how resilient they actually are. But more than that, they're so dang happy. I was at two of their parent-teacher conferences the other day, and both of the teachers said, I've never met a happier kid from two different kids. I didn't have a conference for my third one, so they may have said the same thing. I don't know, but it was
00:16:34
Speaker
such a cool thing for me to hear like they're always smiling they're always happy they're always kind of people and I'm like man like I I don't care about their grades one I could not care less what they bring home on the report card but when I get those kind of reports
00:16:50
Speaker
You know, we're doing something right. And when I say we're, this is not me. This is my entire crew, my people, my village, my tribe, Rachel, what she instilled in them. Yeah, Macklin was mama's boy. All Macklin knew for most of his life was Rachel being sick. And so a lot of that meant time on the bathroom floor, feeding her ice chips or whatever it may have been. And he just knew what she needed. And for a four-year-old boy to show up for his mommy that way,
00:17:20
Speaker
Gosh, man, I want to love more like Macklin does. It was just awesome. Next year, I guess two years from now, he'll have lived more life without his mommy than he did with his mommy. We talk about Rachel.
00:17:34
Speaker
daily all the time. It's constant. And a lot of it is my failures because mommy cooked better than you or mommy did this better than you. I'm reminded daily, trust me. But man, he's just such a good, happy, stable, fun, funny boy. And
00:17:54
Speaker
Grace, it has nothing to do with me. God is so good and continues to mold that boy into something so special. And Cooper, my middle girl, she's my beautiful mess. She says what's on her mind all the time.
00:18:09
Speaker
and lets you know and is very open about it. She is her mommy. She's feisty and funny and dances through life like you wouldn't believe. She got baptized yesterday, which was just a beautiful moment for all of us. In true group reform, I think I wrote about it, but we were in the Wendy's drive-thru and she said, Daddy, I want a cheeseburger and I want to be baptized. That's all she told me. And so she says what's on her mind and that's what was on her mind then. So we got to talk about that.
00:18:38
Speaker
just the way people showed up yesterday for her and her and her moment just declaring to the world that look I love Jesus I'm a sinner I need help help me walk through this with you know walk through this journey and it was just a beautiful moment and so I know Rachel was
00:18:56
Speaker
super proud of her coop yesterday and every day. And then Hadley, you know, Hadley's my oldest and had to, she felt like she had to grow up real fast. She felt like she had to be mommy. She felt like she had to take care of daddy. And she's done such a good job with it. But I have to remind her all the time that
00:19:15
Speaker
I need her to be a kid. You don't get to be a kid that long. I appreciate her. She's a rule follower. She's responsible. She cares so deeply for people. She wants nobody to hurt and she'll do anything she can to make sure that we don't
00:19:30
Speaker
And my biggest prayer for her is, man, just let her be a kid. Because she's 11 years old now, and she only has a few more years of being a kid. And I just want her to be able to enjoy those years. But she's just a caretaker. And she just wants to make sure all those around her are OK, even if it means she's not. And so just three very different personalities, all with the best qualities their mommy had. And I'm just, man, I'm just so
00:19:59
Speaker
every day is an adventure and every day is so much fun and I have they bring me so much dang joy and I'm just so I'm so proud of them. I mean I held it together for quite a long time and then you just you describing those kids because as a parent yeah I just
00:20:25
Speaker
I don't have the words. I know Rachel's still with them, but it's the kids. I will pray for them and continue to. I think I said this to you in our last episode that
00:20:44
Speaker
I wish I could have met Rachel, and I think you've even said that. So many people have said that to you, but I feel the way that you talk about her. I feel her, and I remember you telling me that love like Rachel, that's what you would say, and I would write that down everywhere.
00:21:05
Speaker
Boy, I don't know her at all, but I feel like I know her a lot. And that's what's really cool. And I am so appreciative of you sharing her story and the kid's story and your story and being vulnerable. And I would love to tell people to go get Just Do by Brandon Janus. You can get it at Amazon and you have your own personal website.
Inspiration Behind the Book
00:21:32
Speaker
Where else can people go get it?
00:21:34
Speaker
Yeah, it's at brandonjanis.com. And Jill, thank you for saying that. You know, that's, that's the reason the book was written. Like, this is this is the story of us. But it's the story of Rachel and the way she lived and loved and taught. And so I even the last section of the book, I call it the 39, which was the last 39 nights we spent in the hospital. And I invite you into being there and in seeing those, those conversations, like you're sitting off the edge of the bed, like I was and getting to
00:22:02
Speaker
getting to learn from her in those final days. And I hope it does her justice. That's the reason it was done.
00:22:11
Speaker
Um, and I hope it causes us to, to do. And that's something Rachel always, always said, you know, it's, it's, it's just stop thinking about it. Stop. Sometimes stop praying about it. Just go do it. Just go do it. And, um, you know, show up for people. There's no, with looking for nothing in return, I think is the important, important thing. You're not doing it because for your intentions, you're doing it for that person. You're doing it for someone else.
00:22:38
Speaker
and sometimes you're not gonna get the thank you you think you need or sometimes you're not gonna get the hug because they're not able to get out of bed or sometimes you're not gonna get what you wanted out of it but the thing is you did and never in your life will you regret showing up and doing and so that's how she lived her whole life and I hope this book causes us to do a little bit more of that.
00:23:00
Speaker
It is definitely a perspective that everyone needs to witness. And I am just so thankful for you, Brandon. I am gonna keep inviting you back and maybe there's gonna be a sequel, just do too. Who knows? Yes, I would love to come back. I appreciate you. Anytime anyone will share more of Rachel's story,
00:23:25
Speaker
I'm going to say yes. And so thank you for allowing me to talk about her. It's my favorite thing to talk about, that and being a dad to those three little ones. And so I appreciate you and can't wait to do this again sometime. I know we're not done with Brandon. How can we be? We will definitely have him back on this podcast. There's so much knowledge and insight that
00:23:50
Speaker
he can provide. And I just continue to look forward to tapping into that. So when he's back, I will definitely let you know. But in the meantime, I would just like to kind of second what he has said and just do whatever that is for you.
00:24:09
Speaker
if it's making sure that your phone is not on during the dinner time or whether that's going outside and playing for 10 minutes a day or whether that's a self-care of taking a walk for yourself for 30 minutes. Just do. Don't think that you have to do everything at once. Just start small.
00:24:33
Speaker
and just do. We don't want to miss out. And I know that I'm the biggest person that's a huge work in progress on all of this. So I love these reminders that I have every time I look at Brandon's book, every time I listen to him speak and
00:24:55
Speaker
As I mentioned, all of this information will be on the normalgozalongway.com website, including how you can get ahold of any of us, including where you can find us on social media, but please just do.