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EP 27: The Mental Load of Managing a Household
3.3k Plays2 years ago
This week, the moms discuss the never-ending to-do list and mental load of managing the dang house. They sing their own praises (and yours) because without moms, sh*t would fall apart. Moms are the sweaty staff at the bottom of the Titanic in the boileroom that nobody sees, working their tails off making the ship go while everyone else enjoys their transatlantic cruise (minus the tragic sinking, duh).
After the vent sesh, the moms talk about their best practices for maintaining any semblance of sanity in the chaos, and how to communicate with their partners to run the household as a team. If you’re listening to this episode while vacuuming, folding laundry, or cleaning a kitchen… we see you, we love you, and we salute you.
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Transcript
Introduction and Episode Theme
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it. Oh, we're going to get into it. What up CEOs? My name is Candace and I'm here with Shannon and Whitney and this is the Mom Group Chat Podcast.
Household Management as a CEO Role
00:00:22
Speaker
Did I do it?
00:00:25
Speaker
Big CEO energy on that one. Big CEO. And I'm saying CEOs and I know we'll get into the topic, I guess, but I said that because today is about household management and all of us are the CEOs of our motherfucking houses. OK, so.
00:00:42
Speaker
Ain't that the truth? And I said, dang it, because I wanted her to mess up and have a giggle, but she didn't, so. Do you know how much I almost said I'm here with Shannon and Candace? I almost said it again. I'm like, why? My brain, it doesn't work.
00:00:59
Speaker
I'm getting in your head, girl. Yeah, I'll tell you what, though. I don't feel like a CEO today. I am low energy. I don't know what's going on. I don't know.
Low Energy and Household Responsibilities
00:01:10
Speaker
I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Someone in our Facebook group, I don't know if you all saw, they like posted a comment that was like, I have nothing. I don't need advice. I just want to say like, I'm having a bad day and I want wine, which I love that post so much. And I commented like, same. I'm just having.
00:01:28
Speaker
Oh, is that your boss? Yes. No way. She's fun. But yeah, everyone is like commenting like I feel the same way. I know. I was like, is is Mercury in retrograde or something? The universe is like I feel like I'm feeling a little bit better today, but I've had a low couple of days.
00:01:51
Speaker
which is why I was really excited to record today. Number one, because I wanted to chat with you guys. This brings me up and also the topic we're going to talk about.
00:02:04
Speaker
I need a little kick in the pants. Being the CEO of the house is hard. It's lonely at the top. When you're having those low energy days and you kind of feel like
00:02:22
Speaker
you're setting the tone for the family.
Challenges of Newborn Phase
00:02:26
Speaker
I'm just like, sorry, I'm having a saucy couple days. Well, that's how it is around here all the time now because everyone's like, you're in newborn land, let your house be dirty. And it's like, no, it's making me feel worse that my house is dirty. And my mom came yesterday to help.
00:02:45
Speaker
Um, so I could record today and literally her number one advice to Chris was never tell your wife that, oh, you're still in your pajamas from earlier. And, oh, like the house didn't get cleaned or vice versa. Right. My mom comes in, my mom came in and goes, your house is a wreck. And I said,
00:03:07
Speaker
Mom, that is the advice you literally give my husband.
Partner Communication and Managing Expectations
00:03:11
Speaker
And she was like, yeah, but I clean it too. So I mean, it's a wreck. I'm going to have to work on this. And I was like, OK, wait a minute. You feel amazing. But yeah, it's hard, especially in the newborn phase. I don't even know. I truly didn't get out of a robe for weeks. Yeah.
00:03:32
Speaker
I'm lucky I answered the door. I can barely get anything done over here.
00:03:38
Speaker
Well, Whitney, you look fabulous. I have to tell you, like you look beautiful. You're in a cute dress. Your hair is done. It looks clean. I had an excuse to get ready. I had an excuse to get ready. I was like, I have to shower today. I get to record for the first time in weeks. So yeah. Thank you so much. We're so happy to have you back, baby. Sometimes it's good to have that forcing function. Yeah.
00:04:06
Speaker
Well, I put on tan yesterday because I knew we had this. And just real quick, my tanning journey continues to evolve. I got these like drops instead of I usually do the foam and I put the drops in my facial moisturizer and I put it on and I'm wearing a lot of makeup right now, but it looks like I got it on my lips. I don't know if you guys have ever accidentally tanned your lips and it looks like I ate marinara sauce.
00:04:36
Speaker
And it's like stained around my mouth. Like I was out with TJ this morning running around, not wearing any makeup. So you caught myself in the mirror and I was like, Oh my God. Like it looks like I housed Ragu and just like didn't wipe my mouth. And also because my mouth is dry. Yes. I look like used Tupperware. So.
00:05:02
Speaker
I don't know, it's smarter than being pale. I kind of wish I had said something before because I said, I was going to say before we clicked record, Shannon, your lips look bigger. And I was like, are you getting pregnancy lips? Like, wait, I thought they looked bigger. Yeah. And now I think it's their tinted. This is a hack. If you make your face look like used Tupperware, your lips. No, your lips look amazing. Yeah. For real.
00:05:32
Speaker
Um, well, I just tanned them on accident and dry around the corners. So the tan sunk in extra hard. Um, and then your lips and plump. So that's something I've said in my September group, I was like being on this podcast and like recording with y'all and y'all both have luscious lips. I was like, yo, I need lip injections. I was like, Oh my God. Compared to these two. Well, I have the smallest lips ever anyway, but
00:06:01
Speaker
I was like, maybe that's in my future. When we all get swan. Seeing yourself swan after these babies come out.
Handling Toddler Injuries Calmly
00:06:10
Speaker
No, I'm going to have a huge coming out party of being hot again at some point. Next year is our year, baby. It's our year. Speaking of which, TJ did get his first stitches this week. Oh, yeah. Tell us about that. I mean, it wasn't that dramatic. I was actually so much more calm than I thought I would be. He's gotten injured twice. Remember, I was texting you guys in Michigan. We were going to we took him to the doctor because we thought he might need stitches on his foot.
00:06:40
Speaker
I wasn't there for that. He was being babysat. And then this time he gashed his head on the fence at the playground at school. So I wasn't there. So both times I like haven't been there for the actual incident. So I haven't seen gushing blood or like heard him. Yeah.
00:07:02
Speaker
So I've been very calm. So the principal called and was like, you need to come get him. And by the time I went to get him, they had stopped the bleeding. I was going to take him to urgent care, but truly like so lucky. Andrew's uncle, that's a surgeon, uh, had an opening in his lunch. Like he, we just went over there during lunch and he stitched him up.
00:07:24
Speaker
Um, and so now he's good, a good experience at least. Like, yeah. I mean, it is a big deal. I'm glad it wasn't traumatic, but yeah. He said, I mean, I wasn't in the room when they were stitching him up either. So I really got to just not be involved whatsoever. Um, you're like, I'm just the driver. I literally just chauffeured him around, picked him up, took him, uh,
00:07:52
Speaker
But yeah, so it wasn't that bad. I'm sure it's the first of many, but you know, boys, they're trying to hit themselves. Has he been like, does he mess with it at all? Or he's fine? No, I thought he would be like when your dog gets stitches and they're just like, looking like I would have to like put a cone on him or something.
00:08:14
Speaker
No, he like, he knows it's there and he touches it and he says, boo boo. But it's not, he's not really picking up the bandage or anything, which I'm really surprised about. He must know, but y'all I'm so curious to see if this scars. I mean, Charlie's a plastic surgeon, so I think
00:08:32
Speaker
He probably did as best as possible. But we're going to have a Harry Potter situation on our hands. Perfect for you. Scar. It's literally right in the middle. I feel like we're a boy. It's kind of cool. Any scar is kind of cool. I'm like, look at this. Even when I was little, I was like, want to see where I fell this weekend? Because it's dope. You'll have to let me know what scar cream they
00:09:00
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I know there's this one that Andrew said he was going to get that he's used before. I need it for my side remarks. I was going to say pie oil.
00:09:11
Speaker
Oh, really? I mean, I have bio oil already that I've, yes, been rubbing on my belly. I need a doctor's opinion for sure. I had to. I had this is like I had a. Your mole. Yeah. Spot on my hand that I had never moved all the way to the bone. I forgot about that little mole. That was a pretty bad scar and I was religious about putting bio oil on it and you can't even see it anymore. So. Well, I miss that.
00:09:37
Speaker
That's that mole. Blast from the past. Hey, mole. Yeah. Yeah. I need to go to the dermatologist soon. I'm like skin cancer runs real heavy at my family. I've never been. I know. Oh, wait. You are Caucasian. And I have tanned in my past. I have tanned in my past. I am not innocent and I'm not good at SPF. I'm not going to lie.
00:10:09
Speaker
Everyone's gonna come after me with that one.
00:10:14
Speaker
No, I'm due for a checkup as well. I'm just spending all my time at the OB. I feel like when you're pregnant, when you're in your like birthing years, you're just like, I don't have a doctor that's not my OB. That's all I do. Yeah. Like every other week. It's crazy. I know so much. Even the people at the front desk were like, I recognize you. I'm like, well, you should. I'm here every day. I'm weak. Like, how are you? Yeah.
00:10:42
Speaker
Good times. Y'all are almost done.
Mental Load in Household Management
00:10:45
Speaker
It's flying. I'm not going to lie. I can't believe that it's already. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this episode is a really good time to do this because I think talking through household management or cleaning or like, I don't know, what would you call it? Is that household management? Yeah.
00:11:06
Speaker
It's like life admin is another term that I use for all of this type of stuff. I think when we, when I think about taking care of the house life admin, it's.
00:11:19
Speaker
It's all the mental load that we have as moms. As I was thinking about this episode, we're specifically thinking about keeping up with the house and cleaning and managing the home, because that's just what's top of mind with me, with nesting. But I think we'll get into all kinds of stuff that it involves.
00:11:41
Speaker
It really is like my only job now, but I realize how much of this I used to do during business hours. Sorry if my old leadership team is listening to any of this, but like I used to do so much of this during work hours and it feels like less of a, it felt like less of a weight then because I didn't have
00:12:05
Speaker
a kid. I don't know. It's almost like harder now that it's my only job. And then like organization and keeping it all organized is an area that I struggle in that I always kind of lean on you Candace for like ideas and stuff because I feel like this is a passion area of yours. So I'm excited to chat with you about it.
00:12:28
Speaker
And Whitney, I mean, you're in the thick of it. Like when you're in newborn land, like truly, I don't think there should be any expectations, but I know that that's a little bit naive because we always put expectations on ourselves. So it'll be interesting to hear from your perspective, like how it's going, what's slipping, what hurts the most, like the dust bunnies in the corner, et cetera. But that's what we wanted to talk about today.
00:12:56
Speaker
Yeah, I thought it would be good to start this episode off kind of discussing the mental load and what that is. I feel like it's like a buzzword in the motherhood content world is talking about the mental load. And I think this is really a part of managing the household and managing your like managing life with kids. There's a very large mental load according to mindbodygreen.com.
00:13:26
Speaker
The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. It's also sometimes referred to as cognitive labor. And it's not about the physical task, but rather the overseeing of those tasks.
00:13:46
Speaker
and being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, and delegating all of the respective family members, and making sure everything actually gets done. One more quick tidbit that I thought was important was a big portion of this mental load is the anticipation. Oh my God, I can't. Anticipation? Is that a word?
00:14:16
Speaker
Anticipation is, thank you. Why did I say it like that? Anticipation. Oh no. Anticipation. Oh my god. Oh no. This is the energy from the beginning of the episode creeping up and popping out. Anticipation.
00:14:40
Speaker
Okay. A big portion of the mental load is the anticipation of needs. So it's about in your brain, like analyzing your household situation and anticipating something that is coming up and getting ahead of it, which I think a lot of our listeners would agree that most of the time, like men lack the ability to do that.
00:15:07
Speaker
And I think we'll get into the differences between men and women as far as the mental load goes and the organization and management of household. But I just thought it was interesting and important to address the actual definition of the mental load and what it is. So I don't know.
00:15:33
Speaker
bring this to you guys. How has the mental load changed from pre-baby to post-baby and how has it affected your mental health? It's a huge thing in my house, I think.
00:15:49
Speaker
Pre-baby, I don't remember that life, to be honest. That seems so long ago. What was I doing before? It was kind of what Shannon said. I was working from home and my house was always clean. There was not much to do. Laundry, okay. I didn't have cleaners then. I didn't need it because I could do the little things in between because there wasn't ever a mess. It was just dishes, laundry. That was it, make your bed.
00:16:16
Speaker
Now I have a tornado living at my house and Graydon, like I could clean up an area. It's destroyed within the next 20 minutes. Like it doesn't matter that my house is always going to be destroyed. And then now add on, like you said, the mental load for me is always the anticipation part. Like I'm the one that's cleaning all the bottles, making all the bottles, like adding just add that onto my list of things to do.
00:16:44
Speaker
making sure like I have like every three hours I have a bottle ready to go. Things like that. I mean, it's just always top of mind. I was telling my mom that that is what makes me a better mom is when my house is clean. Like I feel like I don't have anything to do and I can be present in the moment. I can be present with Graydon. I can be present with Margo if my house is clean because I'm not thinking I need to be doing something. I can just be. So that's that's where it affects me the most, probably.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yeah. It's such a big part of life for me and all of my friends. It's just like the low hum of stress of there's never ever a time when everything is done ever. And I feel like men have their own struggles and fathers have their own things that they deal with. But what I don't think that they deal with in the same way is
00:17:44
Speaker
the constant, constant what's next, what's next, what's next, what's next. Like I feel like Andrew, God bless him, is much better at like truly resting than I am. Like we've all seen those TikToks where it's like Saturday morning and your wife is like cleaning and like doing stuff and it like makes it hard for them to relax. And I'm just like, I'm sorry. Like I can't relax.
00:18:12
Speaker
I won't be having a relaxing time until I can get a big chunk of things done. And as we head into the holidays, I always feel like the holidays are such a good example of the invisible load because the holidays don't happen. The whole reason they exist is because moms plan everything. Like I've already booked Christmas brunch. I have plans, well, this Christmas is a little bit different because of the baby, but last Christmas,
00:18:42
Speaker
Who did all that? Christmas morning, all of the gifts for everybody, like outfits for the whole family, planning everything. And that's just one month of the year. And there's always something like that, like kids' birthday parties, friends' birthday parties, putting the social calendar together.
00:19:04
Speaker
It's just a lot. I don't know, I could go on and on. I know. The list is endless. Do you think it's because we're crutch though for them? Like they know that they have us to do all that and it's just- Oh, 1000%. Like I went to a bridal shower an hour away on Sunday and I like prepared everything for Chris because I was going to be gone for four hours, two hours at the party, hour drive there, hour drive back.
00:19:29
Speaker
And I just prepared everything, just anticipating what he would need for the baby. I'm like, would he have done that for me? Probably not to this on Chris, but that's just the woman. The mom does that. So I'm like, damn. And I was worried the whole time. I'm like, y'all good? What do you do to that? I don't know. I sometimes, this is gonna sound so morbid, but I hope you guys will understand what I mean. I sometimes fantasize about if,
00:19:59
Speaker
If I were to die.
Is Household Task Management a Natural Tendency for Women?
00:20:03
Speaker
I just want to sleep. But like truly, if God forbid something happen tomorrow or today, I.
00:20:19
Speaker
I think to myself, would Vinny step up and would he be able to do everything that I do? Is it truly that I've just given him the out and I take initiative before he ever has the chance to?
00:20:37
Speaker
But part of me is I just don't know if they have the gene of seeing a head sometimes. I think it is truly an innate female thing sometimes. It's because they don't have to, I swear.
00:20:53
Speaker
if it was just a father raising the kids, they'd have to. Right. I mean, yeah, I guess I don't. That's I think about the same thing, Candace. And I mean, Andrew does say to me, he's like, no one's allowed to die. Like you can't die. I don't know. Don't you leave me with don't you leave me with these two kids? He's like, dang, getting married and having kids like you really can't die. And I was like, yeah, no one can die. Not on the docket today. Sorry.
00:21:22
Speaker
I'm really not allowed, but truthfully, I would be like, just get a new wife because you need somebody. You're going to need somebody to help with this stuff. I mean, the Division of Labor stuff is really hard because I don't know. If I just stopped doing everything,
00:21:47
Speaker
If I think he was, I mean, I, I think he's very smart. I think he'd be able to pick it up, but it would take a long time. Like it might take, I don't know. It's a really good question. Like if I just, if we just disappeared and stopped, like at what point would they start to.
00:22:07
Speaker
know everything that needs to be done and just like do it without. Like I wish we could hold thinking an experiment. Like I wish we could hold an experiment. Let's go on vacation for a week and they cannot help. They can't have help from their moms. And they can't call us. That's what, that's what Vinnie does. If I, if I like have something where I'm like, I need, I'm going to be gone all day, instant moms and sisters are over. And I'm like, this is not fair. It's basically like you didn't do it.
00:22:35
Speaker
Oh, I have a story. I'm going to keep it anonymous, but I was talking to a friend at a party and she is like the breadwinner in her relationship or was at the time that she was telling me this story. They're a little bit older than us. So she had young kids, was working full time, and he was actually at home at the time.
00:22:59
Speaker
And she would come home and the house would be a mess. And she was the one being like, okay, it's like too much in here. Like I know it's hard like chasing the kids around and stuff, but like, can you try and make more of an effort to clean up? And I was like, okay, this is so interesting hearing like a woman saying that to a man. Cause if Andrew said that to me, I would be so pissed. Yeah.
00:23:20
Speaker
Like I'd be like, you try it. So anyways, the solution that he came up with, I guess he called his mom and was like explaining to him like, or explaining to his mom what was going on. And then his mom offered to pay for a cleaner for them to come
00:23:39
Speaker
once a week. So then he tells his wife, he's like, honey, I have a great solution. Like I called my mom and she's gonna like as a gift, get us a cleaner once a week. And I was like,
00:23:53
Speaker
I hate that. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I think I'd accept that gift. Well, I would accept it, but it would annoy me to no end because it's like I would never do that route if let's say Vinny did come to me and be like, yo, we need to like.
00:24:11
Speaker
do a little bit of a better job keeping things clean on a day-to-day basis. Hiring a weekly cleaner would not be my first out. It would be like, okay. A man thing to do. Yes, I'm almost jealous that he was like, how can I get this to be someone else's problem? Whereas women are like, okay, this is my problem.
00:24:33
Speaker
I'm going to take this on. Whereas men are like, I can come up with something else. I don't want to do that. I'm going to come up with something else. I'm kind of jealous. To be honest, it's think smarter, not work harder. He found a solution that benefited
00:24:53
Speaker
Both. It's interesting, right? I don't know about you guys. I feel like it took us a little, at least in regards to my husband, it took us a little bit to find something that worked and it took me hitting a level of resentment, to be quite honest, to where we had to sit down and be like, okay,
00:25:13
Speaker
I cannot hold this anymore I can't hold all of this and that's what kind of led us to put some things into place that would like take some of these things off but it still came down to him.
00:25:27
Speaker
being like, I can't anticipate, he's like, I need you to tell me. I need you to tell me what to do. And that's why I think genuinely, I just don't know if they have it in them. We've tried the whole, can you try to assess our life on a daily basis and anticipate something to do? And it's like, he can't. I have to tell him.
00:25:53
Speaker
What are you? Are you talking about like household things or stuff with Alice? Both both I would say the only thing he is
00:26:05
Speaker
The only thing he is proactive about is, no, no, no, he's good at a lot of things, but the only thing he is proactive about is like the garage and the yard. He's really like, he'll come home and be like, Hey, I have to mow the lawn. Or I don't even think about that stuff. Like I don't ever think about the yard. I don't ever think about what's in the garage.
00:26:25
Speaker
Truly, that's just his domain which I'm thankful for but other than that Like I feel and I think I'd be interested to hear your guys's experience with this. I think with me working from home Sometimes he just assumes that anything that needs to get done within working hours whether that's calling the internet company or anything that's like within business hours like it's just mine because
00:26:54
Speaker
I'm at home and I can do it. Yeah. But I I sometimes want to shake him and be like, I work full time. I like I I'm not this shouldn't all be mine just because I am at home all day. Like it doesn't necessarily mean that I deserve all of the tasks just because you're the one who gets to leave the house every day. Like that's not fair. No, I agree.
00:27:20
Speaker
I agree with you. Life Admin is what I call all that stuff. Calling the phone company, canceling the credit cards, responding to emails that are family related, calling the plumber. All of that stuff takes a lot of time.
00:27:40
Speaker
And that ends up being on my plate too. I feel like once you have kids, and this is most of my friends experience, like the things just start to pile up and most people get to a point where they're like, the woman's doing everything.
00:27:56
Speaker
And then there's a conversation and it's not just one conversation and then you walk away and everything's like great for forever, but there's usually like a moment of like, holy shit, I cannot do all of this. I need help. And for us, there definitely was like a main, I think like the, the well breaks or whatever, like there's a, a breaking point. Yeah. The levy. Thank you. The levy breaks.
00:28:23
Speaker
There's a conversation and then there's like maintenance that has to be done on that conversation every so often. But we've definitely gotten better at knowing kind of like who owns what. But yeah, I mean, the man can definitely like look at the same pile of boxes for like two weeks until I'm like, hey, the boxes. And then he's like, okay.
00:28:51
Speaker
And then he'll do it. But it's like sometimes you just want to be like, I wish the boxes would just disappear on their own. Yeah. But OK. Got a question for you guys. I'm nervous. This is like this is just like a cut and dry question. What is your most annoying mental load activity or thing or question?
Dinner Decisions and Frustrations
00:29:12
Speaker
Like, do you all have triggers of like, oh, this shouldn't be my job or I don't want to deal with this or I don't like what's your most annoying mental load thing? Oh, God.
00:29:21
Speaker
Hang on, I feel like I need to think a second. I know. What's coming to your mind? One of my most annoying things is what's for dinner. Oh. Or what do you want for dinner or what are you eating out? Especially if I've had a really tough day with Alice or Alice is usually at that time Alice is hanging on me and he's like, what's for dinner? And if I say I don't know, he gets all frustrated and mad.
00:29:51
Speaker
Why is it my job? I just want to like burn the house down. Yeah, I feel like that role has kind of flipped a little my house like Chris used to cook all the time. He's an amazing cook.
00:30:03
Speaker
And it's like once grain got older, he's like up Chris's butt. Like Chris hasn't really cooked in this whole year. I think I've talked about this before. And I don't know if it's because of his training, like he doesn't have it in him when he gets home or he's just like grains just like a lot. So I'm like, Chris does not make dinner at all.
00:30:23
Speaker
all anymore. I'm doing it 100% of the time or we're ordering food. I'm like, when did this flip? I don't remember, but I feel a responsibility for that too. I don't know why that happened and I hate it.
00:30:44
Speaker
You know, when you're in therapy and like something else comes to mind, but you feel like you're answering the question incorrectly, but you just feel like you need to say what comes to mind. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. So I feel like that's what's happening to me now, but what I think my answer is, is like when I feel so full of
00:31:06
Speaker
my day-to-day responsibilities and all the mental load that we have. And then Andrew wants like intimacy. And I don't necessarily even mean like sexual intimacy, but he feels like we're disconnected and he like wants me to be like his wife, girlfriend, like he needs me. Yeah. That's when I'm like,
00:31:32
Speaker
I cannot take that on right now. And then I get a little resentful where I'm like, how can you not see everything that I'm doing? And if you need more from me, I need you to take some of this off my plate. And he doesn't obviously know that that's going on. That's often when we end up having a conversation about,
00:32:00
Speaker
like I'm overwhelmed because like I should like I think in a perfect world we all have the capacity to be there for our husbands and like be ready to
00:32:16
Speaker
hear what they are saying or like really connect with a conversation or like intimacy, whatever they need. Like that's something I want to be available for, but it's in those moments where I can like, he's like reaching out to like, you know, he needs me and I'm like, like, I couldn't possibly take you on, on top of all of this. Yeah.
00:32:38
Speaker
And then oftentimes he gets hurt or offended and then it's like, okay, listen, here's what's going on. But sometimes you do have to read the room because like there are times where I'm like cooking dinner, TJ's banging shit. It's like a complete mess. And he's like telling me about some article that he read and like wanting to have a conversation. And I'm like,
00:33:02
Speaker
Honey, no, I cannot connect with you on this right now. I'm not comprehending anything you're saying. Sensory overload. I feel like, yeah, the sensory overload is so bad sometimes. And Vinny does the same thing. It's probably not an article he read because
00:33:21
Speaker
Andrew's a lot more studious than Vinny is, but it's probably something, with Vinny, it's always something at work. He's like, the man is always talking about work or something that happened at work, and it's always in the worst time. And I wanna look at him and just be like, I wanna rip your eyeballs out. I can't.
00:33:43
Speaker
I was gonna say the other thing that comes to my mind is like my annoying mental load thing. And this is probably, I don't think you guys will relate because you don't have a lot of family around, but it is when I have to do things to coordinate with his family.
00:34:00
Speaker
Which is a lot. We see his family a lot. And don't get me wrong, I love them. But sometimes he'll text me from work and be like, hey, will you text my grandma and see where we're meeting on Sunday? It's like, why don't you text your grandma and find out where we're meeting on Sunday? Yeah, the time it took you to text me. Yes. Yeah. If he.
00:34:24
Speaker
Like, and this has nothing to do with grandma. Okay. Like it's just in the time that it took him to text me about texting his grandma, he could have just texted his grandma. Like it's just so that that's his family stuff. Cause like I never in any world would he coordinate with my family for things. It's like that.
00:34:48
Speaker
role has fallen into your bucket. You're the one who coordinates family outings.
00:34:55
Speaker
And that's like, you know, the conversation that ends up happening is like, like, for instance, we had this big plumbing project and I was fucking always something, but I was like, Andrew, I cannot, I cannot like be in charge of this project. And I usually am in charge of coordinating vendors or whatever people are working on the house. I was like, this one's too big. I'm already working on the porch. Like I need you to run point on.
00:35:24
Speaker
the plumbing situation. And so now he runs point on plumbing, like I was able to like, take that one off of my list. And there's been other instances of that. But we call it like the arm band. I can't exactly remember like where that came from. But I think it's like a military thing. Like, whoever's wearing the armband is like in charge and is the leader. And oh, okay, on the responsibilities. So every now and then I'll be like, I need you to take the armband on this. Like, I am not
00:35:54
Speaker
I can't, I can't do this. And that's how we look. We had an armband when I was a captain on the soccer team and it was so small it didn't fit on my arm. I can't take it. And the other co-captain trauma from my childhood about this armband I'm fitting in. Don't bring up the armband. But the other co-captain, it fit on her like a glove and I was like,
00:36:21
Speaker
like shoving it up my arm. I'm like, fuck me. That would be me. My arms are big. So embarrassing. I think I wore it on my ankle or my wrist, but anyway. You're like, I like it better here. I'm like, this is cute. Cute, cute. That's so funny. I feel like mine is when I've like taken the time to clean the whole house.
00:36:47
Speaker
And I will leave one thing for Chris to do. And I'm like, that's the least he could do, like complete the puzzle. He's like one thing. And it's usually I will help wash his clothes, just put him up, put them the fuck up and he will not ever put them up. I have two baskets of clothes sitting right by the dresser right now that have sat there for a week.
00:37:12
Speaker
At what point do you like go off like do y'all go off on your husband or do you just let it sit like it just sits and he just pulls clothes out of it. So Vinnie and I have have figured something out about us. Typically, if it gets to a point where one of us like feels the need to say something.
00:37:31
Speaker
Typically, this is going to sound like such a cop out, but it is truly what works for us. Most of the time, if we say it in person, there is tone behind it that ends up like it turns into like a mini fight because there's an annoying tone, but to be there behind my voice or his voice and it causes tension. I swear to you, something that has worked for us is a quick, nice text that is like, Hey, love, I noticed that you're
00:38:01
Speaker
or your basket of clothes. He's going to listen to this and be like, I know what you're doing now. Yeah. Well, no, no. Yeah, but he's on board too. He does it to me. He knows. He knows. Hey, Chris, sweet boy. Yeah. Please put up your clothes. Can you?
00:38:19
Speaker
Hey, you lazy piece of shit. Hey, smiley face. But it's like, I know. It works. I'll be like, hey, and usually it's like I have to give him a deadline and I'll be like, hey, I know that tomorrow your family's coming over. I really would like your clothes put away by tonight before you go to bed. And he is always like, yes, you're right. Like he's always good. Before you go to bed.
00:38:45
Speaker
No, I'm serious. No, but Andrew does the same thing to me. He's like, if you want, I have to email him. Anything that I want done, I have to send to him in an email because that's how he manages his life is out of his email. He's a zero inbox guy. Couldn't be me, but yeah. So if it's not an email,
00:39:09
Speaker
he won't do it. And he's like said before, I've been like, Hey, what about XYZ? And he's like, well, did you email it to me? And I'm like, I guess what I just got to put an email. I've known we've been married quite some time. And like, I know that that is, that's his like, try important point. He does a lot of things right. I get that.
00:39:30
Speaker
But it's like at what point do I just take that over because it's pissing me off like it has our whole marriage. At what point do I just take it over and then it's gone. But then I'm mad and resentful that I'm having to do it.
00:39:43
Speaker
You have to say something. If you put that laundry away, it's going to hurt you. I'll just dump it on the floor and be like, it was folded in the basket, but now it's not. Oh God. Cause you need the basket. Yeah. I need the basket for the rest of the house. I do it. Everyone's laundry.
00:40:05
Speaker
I think you have to decide.
Strategies for Effective Household Management
00:40:08
Speaker
No, no, no. It's fine because everyone has this like Vincent will not do the dishes like I it's just not that's why it's case by case because it's like if it comes to his laundry I'm gonna I will never put away his laundry. I will never do that for him.
00:40:22
Speaker
But like with the dishes, that's just something that was like, I would just rather do them honestly and just get it over with. And I will maybe ask him to do something else that I know will get done because he dreads doing that so much that it's just easier for me to take over. Exactly. Yeah, I think we're going to need to get in the tips and tricks portion of this. I was going to say like, yeah, we we all know we need to communicate emails for Andrew.
00:40:53
Speaker
Nice text for Chris. It's passive-aggressive piles of laundry on the floor. We all know we need to communicate, but let's talk about some of the tools, processes, organizational tips, Candice. Let's talk about some of this. Okay. Shall I begin?
00:41:16
Speaker
Please begin. Okay, I'm going to start with a daily thing that has, it's really just weekend days for us. We start every weekend day, Vinny and I, with a, here are my non-negotiables, and that has just been a game changer for us to just be like,
00:41:37
Speaker
Hey, here's the things on my list that have to get done today. And a lot of the times it's like, I need your help to get this done. Whether if that's one of us watching the kid while the other one does that, or do you know what I mean? I think that's a good practice to just be like, and it, it doesn't have to be on the weekends. That just is what works for us. Cause we're both home and during the weekdays, it just doesn't, we don't need to do that. But every weekend day we start the day with like a here are my non-negotiables and it sets the expectation.
00:42:06
Speaker
And most of the time we're really respectful of each other's time in regards to those non-negotiables. The other thing is, and I'll link these, is those fridge lists, those whiteboard fridge lists. And the calendar is so huge for my mental load to see.
00:42:28
Speaker
everything coming up to have Vinnie see everything coming up, doctor's appointments, cleaners coming, groomer appointments, all of the things. I have three months on the fridge at all times. So right now we have October, November, December on the fridge. And on the other side of the fridge, I have three lists. They're three blank like to-do lists.
00:42:51
Speaker
one list is mine, one list is Vinnie's and one is honestly just kind of like a catch-all because my mom watches Alice from here some days. Sometimes I'll put like some things I'd love my mom to do while she's here or it could be like a
00:43:07
Speaker
we do this together or we, you know, just a random thought. Sometimes it's like, I don't know. I can't even think of an example for some reason. You're beautiful. I wish, but no. So I'll link those. It's just become a brain dump for both me and for Vinny. Like Vinny brain dumps his list. It also sometimes just gives me some color to what's in his brain. Like it's not empty after all.
00:43:36
Speaker
Like, I thought it was. I thought it was. But no, he will brain dump a list on there sometimes. And I'm like.
00:43:46
Speaker
You do think of things. That's nice. That's crazy. Other than work and sports. Yeah. Most of the time, it's things that I don't think about. So I'm like, OK, well, that makes me feel better about my list, you know. And then if if he doesn't have a lot on his list, I'll look at mine and be like, hey, can I move this thing from my list to yours? And most of the time he's like, yeah, he just needs me to tell him.
00:44:12
Speaker
So to have a place where it can come out of my head onto physical like readability, like that is what is game changing because what feels the most anxiety inducing for me is when it's just floating in my head. So to get it out of my head and onto something is.
00:44:32
Speaker
Yes. Can I ask like an example like what's on your list this week just because I'm terrible at planning ahead. So like what are the thoughts that come to your mind like that you're talking about?
00:44:44
Speaker
Yeah, for me, it's a lot of kind of that anticipation things. Like I know we have Christmas pictures on November 11th or whenever. So like outfit planning that seems stupid, but it's like making sure he has what he needs to wear because he's, if I let him pick it, it's not going to look like what I want. So it's like that, like that's on my list right now in the fridge. The other thing is the dogs really needed to go to the groomers this week. I did that yesterday. That was on my list this week.
00:45:13
Speaker
but it's also things like grocery trip or whatever things like that okay yeah um i don't ever put anything for work on that list it is just like my mental load of like household things well it's refreshing to hear like even just that it was two things because when you think of lists you think of
00:45:32
Speaker
I'm going to brain dump all this stuff that I need to do. And just for you to say two things, it seems like it's more conquerable versus like, I should be doing this, this, this and this. And where it's like, just take the dogs to the groomer and just figure out the outfits this week. Yeah. And like check, check. OK, I did my things like that. And then.
00:45:52
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. And then I just thought of something that I put on his list this week. And that is that box right there is a learning tower for our kitchen for Alice, like for her to stand and like be with us in the kitchen. And so one thing I added his list was like build Alice's learning tower. And so if even if there's something that's like I ordered that it was my decision.
00:46:15
Speaker
So to get that and it was on my list to get it now that it's here, I'm like, OK, this is your task and I'm adding it to your fridge list. Does it usually like happen on Sundays or do these things get completed during the week?
00:46:30
Speaker
They get completed during the week sometimes after Alice goes to bed. It kind of just depends. It's kind of like how I came on here today and was like, I'm at 15%. I'm not feeling great today. Vinny is pretty good about communicating where he's at energy wise.
00:46:48
Speaker
Like when he gets home from work, he'll be like, man, today was rough. I'm exhausted. Like we're eating dinner and watching Survivor and going to bed. And then there are times where he's like, he'll tell me like, you know, I'm going to do X, Y and Z. Like he's pretty good about communicating like where he's at energy wise. Well, talking about all this is making me feel like I love my husband.
00:47:13
Speaker
I was going to say that must make you feel like you have the leeway to say the same thing. I'm not going to make dinner tonight because I am feeling low energy.
00:47:25
Speaker
why don't I make dinner? I'm gonna make something special or I'm gonna do a little extra something. I think that that's really important to just be like honest about what you're bringing to the table at the end of the day. Yeah. I think I've mentioned this in a past episode, but something, and again, goes back to the text because there's something about person to person that with Vinny and I that it's comes out with a tone. Vinny also just doesn't like surprises. I think Whitney, you've said the same thing. Like you don't like a surprise.
00:47:53
Speaker
Oh, maybe not. I don't know. Like for him to think I'm making dinner and then he get home and be like.
00:48:02
Speaker
Change my, like, I actually can't do that. Most of the time, if in the middle of the day, I already know this day has been crazy. I'm going to be exhausted. I'm not making dinner tonight. And I'll send him a text to be like, Hey, I've had a really long day. Let's eat out tonight instead. And most of the time he's like, cool. He just doesn't like to come home to a surprise. I thought you meant like, I was thinking like a birthday party surprise. And I was like, yeah, sounds great to me. But yeah, I don't, I don't like it when Chris comes home and he's like, I have to work out. And I'm like,
00:48:36
Speaker
Yeah, we have a bit of a flow now we're like it's not written in stone and maybe this is a conversation I should bring up that I want it written in stone is like usually around 530 Andrew just like
00:48:51
Speaker
starts playing with TJ so that I can make dinner and we can eat it by six. That's kind of an unspoken part of our schedule. And when he isn't there at 5.30, I'm like, where the fuck are you?
00:49:05
Speaker
We, you're always here at five 30 to like take him so I can start working on dinner. And when he's not there, like this happened yesterday, he was running an errand and like forgot to tell me he was going far away. And I was upset because I was expecting him at a certain time. So like that's an example of something that I should really
00:49:25
Speaker
speak out loud and be like, can I can I rely on you to be ready at 5 30? Something that I do and I have done pretty religiously for since TJ has been like not in the newborn phase, but a little bit out of it is I feel like there's like three things I need to do in the morning before he wakes up. That really gets my day started.
00:49:51
Speaker
well. And I set the coffee the night before so that I can just press like go and it's ready in the morning. Nice. And then I don't know about you guys, but like I cannot, like he cannot be around the dishwasher. He will get inside of it. He will find the knife and like cut himself. He's like a nightmare around the dishwasher. So I just run the dishwasher every single night, no matter how many dishes are in it, like that thing's being run.
00:50:18
Speaker
And then when I wake up, I press the coffee, I unload the dishwasher. So it's empty for the day to start the day. And I put a load of laundry in the laundry machine. Even if we don't have that much laundry, I'm just like, whatever is in our little pile is going in there. Or if we need sheets or towels or something every single morning.
00:50:38
Speaker
We do a load of laundry. I make sure the day starts with an empty dishwasher and I have coffee before TJ wakes up. And I swear that like sets the day off with like a clean slate. It's like the same feeling as getting gas in your tank. You feel like you can kind of do whatever. If the dishwasher is empty to start the day, I feel like I'm starting on the right foot.
00:51:02
Speaker
I try and fold that load of laundry during nap time and put it away or else like when I get off of that cycle, I end up with like a laundry day from hell when I have so much laundry to do. And that really pisses me off. I hate doing that. So it's like, if I can get those, I guess it's three things. One of them is like a self care, just like drinking coffee. Um, so that I'm happy and caffeinated when TJ wakes up.
00:51:30
Speaker
empty dishwasher, start a load of laundry. I'm ready to go. And then if I have extra time because he's still sleeping, then I'll like do, I'll get ready a little bit. I'll like do a little bit of makeup, pick out an outfit. But if he's up, I skipped that step. So it's kind of like my morning routine that sets me up for success.
00:51:52
Speaker
Yeah, I miss a routine. I'm just I'm like those lives. I'm like, oh, this is nice. And right now I'm like, I don't have a routine. My house is a mess. Like, oh, my God. I'm just like, but you'll get there. You're in the thing. I mean, catch us in three months.
00:52:12
Speaker
She's, um, she's getting like she's over six weeks now. So she's like in that phase where she's getting a little more reliable at night. So I'm getting more sleep. So I'm like a little more energized during the day. Um, and I'm getting able to do stuff again. So I'm like, I see the light. I'm like crawling through the tunnel. I'm almost at the other end. Um, but yeah, I mean the, the house is just not the vibe right now for me. Yeah.
00:52:43
Speaker
That's the other like piece of the puzzle, I think is, and we've talked about this before, letting it go a little bit, like just knowing it's not going to be perfect and trying to make peace with that and ignoring the mess sometimes because can't do it every day. Well, it's funny, Candice, when you were like,
00:53:05
Speaker
On the weekends, we say this is a non-negotiable. I'll take the kid. It's like, you can't do that anymore. You both have one. Like, yeah, that's so interesting. I thought I. Yeah. And when you were saying that, I was like, well, there goes that idea for me because we both get one. And if it's like if she's not napping or if like and I have to hold her like it's just not getting done because grades full on like he needs full attention. And if he's not napping, it's not getting done. So it's just like,
00:53:35
Speaker
You're kind of at this like standstill on either side. So, I mean, you can watch both at the same time, but it ain't fun. Not gonna lie. Like it's pretty hard. Especially right now. I feel like I used to be like, it's fine. It's gonna be fine. We have two, it's gonna be fine. I feel like I'm getting more scared by the day about having two and like how I'm gonna do everything.
00:54:03
Speaker
You won't get scared. It's going to be hard. It's just hard. Like, yeah, you're just adjusting like things like y'all are talking about. Like, that's now my old life. And I'm like, oh, wow. You had alone time to do things because someone else had the kid and now like you always have one. And it's fine. Like, it's just like the new phase in your life. And one day they're going to grow up in.
00:54:25
Speaker
I'm not going to have to watch them both or one or the other, but it's like right now you have to learn to slow down again and just let it consume you, honestly, which is what I've been doing. Yeah.
00:54:40
Speaker
I know it's still new for you, Whitney, but this is something that I also struggle with and I feel like having to be even harder is being able to, when you have the opportunity to take a break from your kids, like maybe you have a babysitter or your mom's helping, like actually doing something for yourself instead of tackling whatever mess is around.
Balancing Rest and Productivity
00:55:04
Speaker
I'm so bad at that.
00:55:06
Speaker
Well, that's like she came last night and I spent all day cleaning and she cleaned some too, but like I had stuff I really, really wanted to get done. And so I've just been running around all morning and I was like, and I have this podcast that I have to record. And I was just like, so I guess like this is my thing that I'm doing for myself is like talking with you all. Cause I love that.
00:55:26
Speaker
But yeah, I just was like, I have to organize or I'm going to go fucking nuts if I have to look at this house anymore. Well, this is something I've talked about with my therapist a lot. And an idea she like drilled into me is that you have to have unproductive rest.
00:55:46
Speaker
When you have a moment of freedom as a mom, we have a tendency to fill it with things that are productive. We mop because we haven't been able to, or we fold the laundry, or we do something productive.
00:56:04
Speaker
Like even recording this podcast, like it's not rest, like it's still productive and it's so hard not to just default to something productive and call it self-care or call it rest when just because you don't have your child, but it's not. Like we still, even with everything on our plate, we deserve rest and we deserve unproductive rest. Like true. Have you had any success implementing that into your life?
00:56:34
Speaker
I think a little bit. I think I have really, I mean, this room is an example, honestly. Like, I think I also, I differ from, I definitely differ from Whitney. I'm not sure, Shannon, if you, cause I know Whitney, like you can't have a hard time resting unless your house is clean. I feel like I'm a little more lax about that. Like my house does, if anything, Vinny likes a cleaner house than I do. I think I'm pretty good at ignoring
00:57:04
Speaker
just ignoring the mess, other than dishes. I don't like dishes in the sink. But other than that, I'm pretty good at ignoring. I'll let my laundry sit there. I don't care. But I think I've gotten better at... It kind of goes back to that urgent versus important matrix that I've talked about in the past, knowing that, yeah, it would be important for me to put my laundry away, but is it urgent? No. Yeah.
00:57:35
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like I need some kind of hack to like get me to snap into rest because when I get extremely exhausted, but when I do have like a free 30 minutes, it's really hard for me to be like, okay, I'm just going to like.
00:57:56
Speaker
have unproductive rest. What does that look like? Should I watch a show? Should I read a book? It's really hard for me to take that chunk of time and feel like, okay, I'm really going to rest. I have this notion that I have to have a lot of time to
00:58:13
Speaker
like sink into a restful mindset. Otherwise I'm just like scanning for the next thing to do. Yeah. Yeah. We're on the mom's on call schedule now. And so like she's eating every three hour increments or whatever. And I will spend like all morning doing stuff with her or like trying to get her to nap in her crib. But I know after her 12 o'clock bottle,
00:58:36
Speaker
She will snooze and I will let her sleep on me and that's where I take a like a two hour Chill moment and I'll watch TV or I'll play on my phone and I that's where I just like zen and it's just a little chill time and I Don't know. Maybe y'all can do that too because it's nice actually just letting it happen
00:58:59
Speaker
I will say it just it goes back also to like just being super intentional and it takes effort to like be intentional about the time you have and knowing like hey I know that I have all this shit to do but I'm gonna lay down anyway
00:59:15
Speaker
And you have to like be okay with that uncomfortable feeling for a little bit of like, I feel like you are doing unproductive rest, but it might still feel uncomfortable, even though you're comfortable in your bed, but it feels uncomfortable in your mind because you know that your list is long. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I need to get a massage chair, I think.
00:59:44
Speaker
That'll fix all your problems. I truly feel like when I hit the breaking point where I'm like, I really need to rest, I go get a foot massage. That is when I can actually feel relaxed because something is happening that I can't move.
01:00:03
Speaker
I don't know. And I just truly relax. And holy shit, that sounds so good right now. Like I have to do that this weekend. I have a gift certificate to the Sunshine Foot Spa here in Tampa. I need to go. Jackie got me that. Shout out to Jack. Enjoy. Thanks, Jackie.
01:00:21
Speaker
All right. Well, hopefully that, I mean, hopefully we gave you some good tips here of how to like better communicate or organize your life a little bit to all of you moms out there. We know that the mental load is so freaking hard and so much, and you're not alone from feeling overwhelmed and anxious and all of those things. Maybe we can also get some tips from other moms of
01:00:47
Speaker
ways they've lightened that mental load. So as we know, Shannon and I are still due with new babies in about three to four months-ish, which is so crazy. Close it in on two to three. Yeah.
01:01:07
Speaker
But anyways, so we are getting closer to our due dates and I know I shared my like master nesting list. Hopefully you guys have gotten access to that inside of our Facebook group, but Shannon and I were chatting and
01:01:22
Speaker
We need a little kick in the butt and we need some accountability.
30-Day Nesting Challenge and Conclusion
01:01:26
Speaker
So in November, I think we're going to do a 30 day nesting slash organizing slash cleaning challenge inside of our Facebook group.
01:01:38
Speaker
So this is not only for people who are pregnant and having a baby and needing to nest. It's just if you want to like organize your life a little bit or check off some of those like really like this is not going to be like vacuum your floors. Okay. It's going to be a little bit more nitty gritty than that of like some organizational things that I are always the second tier. Like I'm always going to vacuum my floors. I'm always going to put away the dishes, but I'm not always going to like clean out my nightstand.
01:02:07
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. I need to do that. Yeah, so we're going to do a 30-day challenge where every day during the month of November, even on Thanksgiving, we are going to post one small nesting, cleaning, or organizing task in the group for you to complete every day.
01:02:29
Speaker
OK, so I think I think my goal for this is to make sure that the task will take you no longer than 20 to 30 minutes. Like and some of them might take you five. You know, it would give me thrills and chills as if people took before and after pics to share. Yeah, we want this. So on each post, like each post will be in our Facebook group every day, day one, day two. And you can go in there and comment that you've done it. You can share before and after photos.
01:02:57
Speaker
And we're going to do I'm going to make myself a sticker chart. Yeah, that's a good one on Thanksgiving. It's to finish your plate.
01:03:05
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Clean your plate. Yeah, I love it. So join us inside of our Facebook group. We'll definitely be posting on Instagram about this as well. So you can join. We'd love to have you. We'll get super organized before December and like the really crazy holiday season. So yeah, maybe on Instagram we can share our favorite like post of the day or who did what. Yeah, that'd be really fun.
01:03:35
Speaker
It'll give me accountability. It'll make it more fun. And I definitely need a little kick in my pants, as you said, so. Yeah. No, this will be good. Cool. It also takes away from your mental load because you don't have to think about what you have to do. We're going to tell you. I needed that. Thank you. Yeah.
01:03:54
Speaker
All right. Well, I'm excited. We'll see you inside of our 30 day challenge in our Facebook group. And I can't wait to see all of your stunning before and after pictures. Clean Queens. All right. I'm going to go book a foot massage for the weekend. Love you guys. All right. Love you.
01:04:13
Speaker
Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And don't forget, the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there. All right, gotta go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.