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S2E25 Who?! Faith, Family, and Egg Donation: A Journey to Parenthood
81 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, Ebony and Donald Carter take us on their remarkable journey of growing their family through egg donation. Initially, Ebony believed her family was complete after a tubal ligation following her second child. However, after meeting Donald and deciding to expand their family together, they found themselves facing the challenge of infertility. They candidly share the emotional rollercoaster of selecting an egg donor, the support they received from loved ones, and the unwavering faith that guided them through the process. Their story culminates in the heartwarming arrival of their son, Graham. Tune in to hear their powerful narrative of love, resilience, and the belief that even the most challenging dreams can come true.
Takeaways
-Egg donation can be a viable option for couples struggling with infertility
-Having a strong support system can help navigate the emotional challenges of the process
-The process of selecting an egg donor can be exciting and empowering
-Open and honest communication with family and friends about the decision to use egg donation is important
-Having a supportive team is crucial during the egg donation process
-Keeping the end goal in mind and trusting the process can help navigate the emotional challenges
-Finding stress relief and being transparent with each other is important for intended parents
-Never stop chasing your dream of having a family
Links
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Transcript
Beginning of Ebony and Donald's Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, everyone. In this episode, I get to have a conversation with Ebony and Donald, a couple who have navigated the complex journey of infertility to expand their family through egg donation.
00:00:14
Speaker
Ebony had a tubal ligation after her second child and believed that her family was complete. However, after meeting Donald and deciding to grow their family, they faced the challenge of using her own eggs. But with unwavering support from family, friends, and their faith, they explored the path of egg donation. We get to hear about how Ebony and Donald share their experiences of selecting a donor,
00:00:41
Speaker
the emotional ups and downs of the process and the joy of welcoming their son Graham into the world. You won't want to miss their powerful story of perseverance, love, and the unyielding belief that no dream is too big when it comes to growing your happy family. Enjoy.
Introduction of the Podcast and Mission
00:01:01
Speaker
Me, you, and who?
00:01:04
Speaker
Who knew it would take more than two people to have a baby? In a world where infertility is no longer a taboo topic, this podcast will take you through all of the different aspects of surrogacy and egg donation through the lens of many who walk this journey in different ways. My name is Whitney Hall and I am a two-time Surrogate, now turned Surrogacy Coordinator for Egg Donor and Surrogate Solutions.
00:01:29
Speaker
the very agency I used when I chose to carry for two amazing families. With this podcast, it is our goal to help guide and support you as you learn about what it takes to grow a family in an alternative way, as well as hear inspiring and beautiful stories of how this path has changed lives forever.
Deciding to Expand the Family
00:01:50
Speaker
We can't wait for you to hear about just one more way happy families are created every day.
00:02:07
Speaker
about your story with your sweet boys and just all of the things. So I know, um, we, so a donation is the route that we went, but you had Roman, of course, your sweet little eight year old, but just tell me, just how did we get here?
00:02:28
Speaker
Um, okay. So I was a little older when I had Roman, um, 39 at the time and thought I was done having children. So I had a tubal ligation. I was like, Oh, it's great. You know, I have a one and done. He's gorgeous. Yes. I have an older son who was actually like in his first year of college when Roma was born. So I was kind of like, okay, like We're done. We're done.
Challenges with IVF and Egg Donation
00:02:55
Speaker
Yeah. Donald and I, we, we met, we had this whirlwind romance dated for several years and we started talking about having more children. Of course, like naturally I couldn't do that. Um, and so we, we went and got a consultation with my OBGYN who referred us to our current IVF doctor.
00:03:19
Speaker
um He talked about the possibilities, you know, went through a lot of testing, like, yeah, you know, you're good, you can carry and, you know, we'll try your own eggs and all that good stuff. And so after multiple times of trying to use my own eggs, we ran into some struggles um with them not taking it. It was just heartbreaking. Like, you know, you go through the cycle, you put your body through all these things, you get hopeful, and then you get that call 10 days later that the pregnancy test didn't take.
00:03:46
Speaker
Um, and so after like the third time, I believe third time I was just kind of like, ah okay, like I can't do it anymore. I think it was really hard on my husband Donald. Um, and it's just like, it's like you're losing like a part of yourself. And the third time that we tried, we, he pretty much put all of the eggs that were healthy enough in there. I think it was like, Oh my gosh. he like Which like, they don't do that anymore.
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah, we had 16. But yeah, like it, I was like, Oh my gosh. So I just was kind of at a place where we had to talk and like, okay, if it doesn't work, like, are we good? Like maybe we adopt or, you know, I don't really know is physically and emotionally and mentally. I could not take another.
00:04:44
Speaker
Yeah, it didn't work, it didn't take. um And that's pretty much what happened that third time. on just my And then my eggs my egg supply was depleted at that point. And so then um he talked to me about egg donor like possibilities and just like the success rate and what that looks like when you go with the donor and your own eggs. And it just it's just a little bit more of a, it's not 100%, but it's a it's a better probability going that way.
00:05:14
Speaker
And so we started the process. um And then, yeah, so that's how we ended up with you. Yeah. Okay. So going back a little bit, I mean, you, ah you had two successful pregnancies have, you know, these amazing children. And now all of a sudden you're thrown into this whole whirlwind of, like you said, just that heartbreaking, you know, just all of that, that is happening. How did you navigate that?
00:05:44
Speaker
as you guys were going through that together?
Faith and Perseverance in the Process
00:05:49
Speaker
I mean, I guess I'll i guess i'll speak today. I think it was a lot of faith-based, you know, just actions, right? Having to understand, you know, I had a ah a vision or a promise, you know, that we were going to have ah a son.
00:06:10
Speaker
and it just keep walking through that, right? We had some issues with some of our, what would you call them, donors, right, before? um And it was just, a it was something that, you know, whatever you want, isn't that that's good, isn't always easy, if that makes sense. Sure. God, no, absolutely. We had to kind of walk through those disappointments as well. But I think it was ah it was definitely something that we did together.
00:06:39
Speaker
And there was some there's some hard times as well, you know, it wasn't always easy raindrops and lollipops, but we're here now. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. So you, we, we go through the heartache of, you know, just, Hey, this, the original route that we were, that we were wanting to take is just, it's not going to be possible, but we have that vision. We have that promise and we want to move forward. And now you're with a donation.
00:07:07
Speaker
did What were your thoughts on even just first hearing that as a possibility? And then how did you guys decide that you were ready, you were gonna continue to move forward? For me, I was kind of going through these emotional like ebbs and flows of I understood how important it was for Donald to try to have a child, even though like, you know, I had conceived through prior relationships and things like that. And um I recognize that that was important. Right. And so like, I was also going through the same was like, I can't give this man like what he really truly desires in the marriage. And quite frankly, I was afraid that
00:07:55
Speaker
you know, if this was unsuccessful that, you know, maybe our marriage wouldn't make it. I don't like, I didn't think he would leave, but it was just kind of like, you know how, when you start dating somebody and you talk about like your non-negotiables, he was like, yeah, you know, I want to have another baby. And I was kind of like, run now.
00:08:12
Speaker
da um um And here we are, you know, still landed me. um So and with that being said,
00:08:24
Speaker
Um, it was, it was kind of exciting. Cause it was like, this is how I explained it to like friends and family. So, you know, when you finally have that conversation with, okay, we're doing this, but this is how we're going to do it. absolutely My mom was kind of like, so you're using somebody else's egg and like, how does that work? And you're going to carry the baby. And that's weird. shark You're not going to have any like DNA connection to it. Like it was, it was all these like questions. Um, my mom is very old school. She just it didn't like.
00:08:52
Speaker
register. And so then I started thinking about some of the questions that I was getting. um But then I was kind of excited when we first made, you know, introduction with a couple of people on your team, you know, very welcoming and helpful and just kind of talked us through the process of, okay, like this is step one, this is step two, this is step three. And just was very on top of the communication. But the really cool thing was, it's like they gave us this accessibility to this link. And it's it's kind of like,
00:09:21
Speaker
Facebook for egg donors. You go in there and you see like people and pictures and you don't have names, which kind of like with Facebook, you don't know if it's real person or not, it's whatever. But it's kind of cool if you have like numbers, right? But then like you could kind of, you know, you could do all these things, you know, you could sort by height or weight or whatever. And we could, look it was so like, it was a lot, but it was kind of like, oh cool, like you can actually like pick Yes. You know, who you want. And then the other cool part was just kind of the historic of were they first time donors or not? What was the success like or not? um You know, you had medical history, you had, so if they had prior children, you know, so like there was things that would help you feel a little bit more comfortable as you're making the decision.
Family Support and Donor Selection
00:10:12
Speaker
Absolutely. And so what was so interesting about Donald and I is like he had a he had his link, I had my link.
00:10:19
Speaker
ahha And without talking to each other, we each picked top three. So we didn't talk, he went through, he chose his top three. I went through, I chose my top three, and then we started having conversations. And two of the top three we both had were the same. I love it! Yeah, nobody's gonna look like her, but they had to get close.
00:10:50
Speaker
through the egg donation, you know, route, everybody has kind of those, like, you're not necessarily going to find your twin, but maybe there's other things and you know, just all of that. That's awesome.
00:11:01
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. it So you guys found your, your top two, and that's great that you had the experience of, you know, just of having that guidance when you first came to a donor and surrogate solutions, because, you know, I feel like, you like you said, you had all of those emotional ebbs and flows. You had those big highs and those low lows.
00:11:20
Speaker
And then to finally come to a conclusion that, Hey, this is how we're gonna, this is how we're going to move forward with, you know, growing our family. And then to have almost go from a very kind of uncontrollable situation to having a little, not, not only guidance, but then like you said, you got to go through that database and you were like, yeah, I get to like, you were excited. You got to pay, you were, you were pumped. Yep. Yep. And that's actually something that, uh,
00:11:48
Speaker
You know, I didn't really think about when we were going through this at first, like, you know, the whole donor part, right? Kind of knew that there was going to be a possibility, but then you start getting to the ri until the realization that you got to pick. You know what I mean? So that was an interesting conversation, but it was cool.
00:12:03
Speaker
Absolutely. Okay. So Ebony, to go back to what you were saying, you were kind of as you're, you know, talking to your family and friends and, you know, trying to explain, you know, what you guys are going to do, what did that process look like as far as your support system and explaining it to people and, you know, explaining it to Roman and, you know, just, just things like that.
00:12:28
Speaker
Yeah, um that's a really good question. So with my family, my like my brother my mom, my brother, like they were like, I mean, it's cool, but like we don't we don't get it. We don't understand. Sure. you know My brother, who has like a tribe of children, I'm like, it's easy, right? like You just make the kid like, OK, great. But for a woman, it's just different in terms of what we have to go through, especially like with me being a little bit older. and Things like that. So we just, we were having conversations. Donald's parents were also very um involved. My family lives out of state. So they're not like, we're all very, very close and tight knit, but like, they're just not there. Yeah. Like I'm talking to my mom on the phone or we're FaceTiming or whatever. i You know, same thing with my brother. My in-laws live locally to us. So, you know, we had a lot of like conversations at the table.
00:13:20
Speaker
Um, they were very supportive. You know, there's also like a financial piece of this too, where you have to get prepared financially to make these decisions. And hopefully, you know, it works cause it's pretty pricey, um, you know, to go through, but it's, I mean, it's worked every, every job. Right. Um, but yeah, like we were just very direct and honest about like where we were. So I kind of had to explain, you know, what some of the, um, issues were in terms of us not being able to use my own eggs.
00:13:49
Speaker
you know, why we were going through the process, the way in which we were, there were some timing concerns. Um, you know, my, my big goal was I did not want to be giving birth to a child at 50. Like I'm just not, I'm just, I just wasn't going to do that. Right. Now I'm going to have a toddler at 50. There's a difference. there's a difference And then the other part was is like after I have the baby, I get a mommy makeover as the push present. Like, so it's like a whole, it's a whole thing. I love it. I'm going to snap back for real. Like I'm, you know, Dr. O or whoever, whatever. I Just open dialogue. Um, and just, you know, there were questions and we were answering those questions as we knew them. And as we were going through different appointments with the IVF doctors, we were, you know, like,
00:14:39
Speaker
He had to go get sperm tested and they had to test me and make sure like everything was good. um We were giving every update as we could. And so it just, it got more exciting for them because it was like a milestone that we were hitting, right? You know, like we finally um selected, so we had selected our first donor, um very successful, beautiful young lady had, I don't know, four or five successes ahead of her. So we felt very confident.
00:15:09
Speaker
in utilizing her and then something happened and we had a select the second donor. And so like as devastated as I was in that moment, cause I was like, oh my gosh, here we go again, right? yeah It's not even my eggs now, like it's something else, like, oh, right. And so what brought me comfort was that we had a top three. So I was like, okay, well donor one's not available, let's go to donor two. Even if that person was less,
00:15:39
Speaker
qualified, it just like, I don't know, they had they hadn't had a, sick like this person that we ended up choosing, we are their first six success. Yeah. So it was kind of cool in that way. Cause I'm like, if it works, then they did become an experienced donor. Like, so I was looking at it from a win-win. Um, the other thing that I want to point out in this too is as we were making the selections,
00:16:04
Speaker
This particular donor wrote a letter in terms of why she was going to be a donor.
Emotional Impact of Donor Connection
00:16:13
Speaker
It just touched me in terms of she was in college and there were things that she was trying to accomplish.
00:16:21
Speaker
She was very adamant in helping families achieve their dreams who couldn't do it the natural way. And so she wrote a letter to the intended parents and we have that letter and it just, it means so much because it, it kind of like solidify like, okay, like we're doing this. This person wants to do this. They want to like help complete families. And so it just, it worked out very, very well.
00:16:46
Speaker
Yes. Well, and it puts, you know, like you said, when you first are getting on that database, all your, you're not seeing names, you're seeing numbers and yeah it puts a personality behind that number. You get to hear directly from them. And it's, I mean, to have that letter is just, it's so beautiful and, and part of Graham's story. Exactly. Yes. Okay. So you, you had that kind of,
00:17:14
Speaker
up, down, again, in this process. And then, you know, and then, but then how was the cycle as a whole? Rough. For For everybody. Okay, on. Hold on now. Yeah, like, I mean, yes, it was for, okay, because as you, well, maybe maybe folks don't know, but ultimately, like once you select the donor, then There's a part that they do in terms of like getting prepared. They have to do a medical screening process and there's a psychological evaluation and there's legal and there's, I mean, there's
Medical and Legal Steps
00:17:51
Speaker
all kinds of steps. Just because you pick doesn't mean that it's like, okay, great, let's go get eggs tomorrow. yeah No, it took some months. like I think that's what also
00:18:01
Speaker
helped me feel more comfortable because I was getting a lot of updates. Okay. Like here's where we are. This is what's going to happen next. so Okay. Now you're going to go to legal. You're going to sign documents. The donor is going to sign. Then they're going to go do the stuff with the doctor. Like, so like you said, there was a, there was a, there were things that had to happen, but we looked at those as like milestones. And again, as we're like updating family and friends, they're like, Oh my gosh, this is so fascinating. yeah And then there was the egg retrieval. And so that was kind of cool because the IVF facility would keep us updated. Okay, we've done it. It's, you know, we've got what we need and we'll get you some results. And I mean, it was just so, everything was pretty positive out of that. But to answer your question, the cycle itself, I mean, it seemed like it was forever. um But while the donor was doing her thing, I was also doing my thing.
00:18:54
Speaker
Right. And I mean by that is, is I'm giving myself shots every day, or Donald's having to give me shots to get me prepared for you know a nice little cocoon for the little egg to grow in. Right. So just basically helping my body prepare to accept the egg um once the transfer happened. So that was, um it was interesting because you had to do it at the same time every day. like how three months or something like that. The amount of traffic rules I broke to get home.
00:19:32
Speaker
ah
00:19:35
Speaker
I I love it. Oh my gosh. So not only are you navigating like, Hey, I'm, I'm getting my body prepared, but you're also, I mean, you're banking on the fact that it's gonna work like she, and you're navigating all of that as well. How did you guys just,
00:19:53
Speaker
handle all of those emotions during all of that and breaking traffic rules and you know keeping family up to date and I mean it's a big process all happening at once.
00:20:06
Speaker
Yeah, not to include that we're newlyweds with, ah you know, a ah a young boy, right? So we already have friends. Right! I think that was just a lot of leaning on your community, right? And leaning on the help help that we have. This chain takes a village. So we we enacted our village to say, hey man, we need some help over here. um You know, I learned two things from our parents. One, don't ah don't mess up your blessings, right?
00:20:36
Speaker
um So if somebody wants to bless you, you accept it. ah and And two, you know, always have faith. So that's kind of what we were at. Oh, I love that. I love that. So you, I mean, ultimately she had a successful egg retrieval and then Ebony, you were good to go.
00:20:59
Speaker
I was good to go. my i know't you know Because of course, like ah so there were there was a small snafu. Okay. And um they found like a polyp. So before they do any egg transfer and they just go in and they look, right make sure the uterus looks good, everything's good. And my doctor found a polyp and this was like, he was going to do the retrieval like the next day. And he was like, look, I see this polyp here.
00:21:26
Speaker
You know, my recommendation is that we remove it so that everything's like, you know, we could put it in, but typically the polyp will push the egg out, will push the embryo out. And so you don't want that because then you're going to miscarry. It's the whole thing.
Positive Pregnancy Test and Reassurance
00:21:43
Speaker
Now he goes, he's not a guarantee that you would miscarry, but there could be complications and I'd feel better if we, you know, basically got everything removed.
00:21:51
Speaker
So that was like in the summer of last year, like June sometime I had my, I had basically he got me into surgery like within a week oh my god and did everything. And then after my July menstrual cycle, we did retrieval and I was pregnant by August. So it was like, it was like about 10 days of waiting. And you know, what is so crazy about all of this when I think back is there was not one time that I didn't think this was going to work this time. I don't know what it was about this time, but I was just kind of like, we're good. Like whatever the doctor needs me to do, I'm going to do because this is going to work and it's going to work and it's going to work and it's going to work. And there were a lot of bumps even after like the pregnancy test came back. And then it was like, okay, for three months, you're basically like bedridden, no stress. Don't do anything.
00:22:46
Speaker
Keep your legs in the air, whatever it is that you got to do to make sure that that egg sticks. And I did all of those things. Sorry. And I did all of those things. The first story I've gotten.
00:23:01
Speaker
And it's recorded. It's recorded right here. Thank you. So after that, you know it was just kind of smooth sailing. But what i I think what was super great about all of this is that Our IVF doctor, um, he actually, he and his wife had fertil fertility issues. And so that's what encouraged him to actually become a fertility doctor because he and his wife had struggles and their one and only child is through IVF. So I just felt like he understood and he got me, um, his wife who was also a doctor that like, so it just, I felt like super connected and any,
00:23:43
Speaker
recommendations that I asked him about, he was just very open and transparent about, you know, like the recommendations and what we should do. And he's like, you know, I can put the baby in now. And I know you're kind of wanting to do it, but I think we need to, in order to really, truly make sure that we have the best chance for success, let's have this surgery. Right. And I did it, about a boom, 30 days later, we did a we did a transfer.
00:24:09
Speaker
And yeah, like August 7th or 8th or something like that, we got the call that we were pregnant. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. And then the journey really began. it Right. And then the journey really began. Oh my goodness. So just thinking back on all of that, again, and like you, you know, it's not, it's not a guarantee. There are all of those bumps, like,
00:24:37
Speaker
Thank God you had that support system. For yeah sure. I couldn't have made it without it. I mean, there were plenty of nights where I cried, and like I would just hold on to him. And I'd be like, oh my god, I'm so good. And he's like, it's fine. We're going to continue to. I think for for Donald, he was like the strength that I needed, because he had to keep reminding me, you know you're a faithful person. You know this is going to work. like Just keep leaning in on your faith, and don't let those negative doubts creep in. And so that really helped me too, because he was so strong. And I'm sure that there were moments where he was probably alone going, Oh my God, you know, I just want my wife to be okay. And he never showed any, like,
00:25:26
Speaker
He wasn't a waver. like I never saw it. Like, and if he was, he never showed that to me. He was just very strong in all of this. Shout out to Papa D for that one. I was going to say, what was your support system while you're being Ebony's Donald? What was your support system where you were able to continue to be that strength for her? Um, I think, I mean, I have, I have an uncle in Philadelphia who's like my older twin. So I talked to him a lot about stuff.
00:25:54
Speaker
Um, and then, you know, our, our church pastor, he was, he was pretty supportive as well. Uh, I just think I had, uh, I had a feeling that this is going to be fine. So I wasn't really, I wasn't really stressed about too much now.
00:26:09
Speaker
I had to dit dodge and die some bullets for my wife over here. yeah. I remember that she was going through a lot, so I was getting grounded, right? Yeah. There was times when I didn't want to remember that at all. And then for all the dads out there, pause when agitated.
00:26:35
Speaker
This is good advice. This is good advice. That's just good advice for anybody. bit If we tell her, I can't talk to you right now, I'm going to like walk outside and then I'm going to come back in and she's going to be mad, but it'll be way better than what you were going to say.
00:26:51
Speaker
I love it. I love it. So,
Faith and Visualization
00:26:54
Speaker
okay. Going back to, I mean, you both have kept saying, you know, Ebony, you said just at no point in time during your cycle for Graham.
00:27:04
Speaker
did you think that it wasn't going to work? And you kept leaning on your faith. what made you keep What made you just keep going forward? What made you short after all of the ups and downs, after every snafu and roadblock? I mean, what was the how did you navigate that? What made you just keep going? um I would say two things. So the first thing was you know looking at Roman.
00:27:34
Speaker
The following, the birthday before we started trying, he, he said the only thing he wanted for his birthday was an iPhone 13. Oh my God. Got the iPhone 13 that year. And then the baby brother came in April of the following year. So he was like pretty pumped. Um, but like it just like, it was just kind of like for him, like he was so excited about, Oh, it's working.
00:28:02
Speaker
um So Roman was woman was a big piece of it, even though he's only eight. um And when he gets older, I will explain to him like what his faith and his like tenacity did in terms of helping us get to where we were. um because He was very like, mama's boy, let me help. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Under the armpit. Yeah, he was kind of like right there. You know, are you supposed to be eating that? The baby can't eat that.
00:28:28
Speaker
Um, like on top of things. Um, and then the second thing was just kind of like, I could see the big picture, right? this I'm like, you went through all of these things. I would imagine myself holding a baby. Like I literally put it in my mind. Like you're going to be holding a baby. So you're going through this now because you're going to be holding that precious baby. If you just.
00:28:57
Speaker
keep persevering through it. And that is how I made it. First, there were, I was on my knees. I prayed a lot. I read my Bible a lot. um If I had any inclination of doubt, I would snap out of it going, no, like you know you've gone this far. you've You've done too much to just start thinking negatively about what is or isn't going to happen. so get it together, like I have a pep talk to myself. I love it. there And in that worked a lot. I literally would like look at myself in the mirror and be like, get it together, girl. Like, this is your baby. You got this. And it worked. That's amazing. What would you say was maybe your biggest surprise as you were going through the journey as a whole from just
00:29:52
Speaker
from the beginning, I mean, IVF through egg donation and you know beyond, what would you say was maybe that biggest surprise? Honestly, as many kind of bumps that we went through, like it was still relatively smooth, right? Like it was, when I was thinking about the legal process, it was like, okay, we got the email from like Katie and then she's like, okay, you know you're gonna get this email from this,
00:30:21
Speaker
company and they're going to talk to you and whatever. And like the email would come, then the company would reach out. Like everything that they said was going to happen happened when it was supposed to happen. I never once had a follow up. I never had to check in. I never had to be like, Oh, like where are we out with this? It was none of that. They were just very like,
00:30:41
Speaker
Here's what's happening. Here's what's going to happen. And then on top of that, they'd be like, okay, did the did the legal team reach out? um Were your documents able to be signed? Even when we were putting together like the trust, right? So we had to put funds into a trust to make sure that the donor was paid and things like that. like It was setting up the account was easy, transferring the money from our account to that account, easy. like it was just I was shocked actually. Cause I was thinking, Oh gosh, like, you know, this legal process that's going to take a few weeks, like to read everything and to get everything signed. We literally had everything signed in like two days. oh my gosh It was just like, you know, it was just very, I think, I mean, just one of the smoothest processes I've ever gone through. I mean, I work in HR. I work with like legal things all day and a lot of things and like, it was, it was so smooth.
00:31:34
Speaker
What happened? Yeah, I mean, I would say that ah I just knew it was going to work. No surprise. So the surprise was when he started moving in the belly. That was a surprise for me. Oh, there you go. I was like, And then the responses of like the voice, when I would say something, he'd like punch at the belly. Oh. So those were my surprises. I love them.
00:32:03
Speaker
I wasn't so surprised about, you know, the hormone changes and all the other wonderful things that happened because we've gone through that before. It's a beautiful part of pregnancy. Absolutely. It is. It is. It's even more beautiful.
00:32:21
Speaker
But yeah, I think it was like the birth process was my surprise.
00:32:27
Speaker
I, Ebony, I love what you said about, because even though you did have those bumps in snafus, you, you had that team, you had your coordinator, you had, you know, your clinic, you had your attorney, like you had all of those people there to where the snafus that kind of can naturally come with an egg donation, you know, just situation. You didn't have all of the other stuff to worry about.
00:32:52
Speaker
And I love that you had that experience because like, I mean, that it can be so overwhelming. that Like you said, the legal stuff and just, you know, all, all of that and making sure people are talking to each other. And it sounds like you didn't have to worry about that at all.
Efficient Coordination and Trusting the Process
00:33:08
Speaker
mean and then like My medical records, I mean, everybody, my OBG and the IVF doctor were constantly in communication, you know,
00:33:18
Speaker
Um, egg donor solution was in contact with like the coordinator at the IVF office. They were obviously talking to the donor. Um, you know, it was just also smooth. I just, I couldn't even, I couldn't even believe it. I mean, that's how smooth it was. I was like, wow. Like, and he'd even be like, are we done? Like, is there anything else we do? I'm like, no, we're done. We're, we signed everything. Everything's good. We're, um, and then to the point where even like the transfer, right? Like. We were in there, I don't know, 30 minutes. I mean, i long and the longest was to get me prepared. And then by the time the transfer happened and came out, it was like 32 minutes or something like that. And he was like, that like du did they use the right sperm?
00:34:11
Speaker
love it. So What would you say, you know, just to any potential intended parents and egg donors that are out there? What was maybe, you know, just some of the advice that you would give as they're kind of discerning if this is the the right path for them or if they're even in the middle of it? what would What would be some of that advice you would give them? Keep the end in mind. That's really good. That would be my advice.
00:34:36
Speaker
but but Keep the end in mind. There's always a light there, even though that tone can get pretty dark and windy. You're going to have to see where that little glimmer is. So just keep following the light and you'll get there. Yeah. That vision, holding that baby, that vision.
00:34:56
Speaker
For donors, thank you, um because I know that it to even do that, you know, for whatever the reason is, you know, it, it could be a financial decision. It could be, this is something that I just want to do. I want to help families have families, which is that we got so lucky, right? Like, but I just, I want to thank the donors because I know that that's a huge decision, um, for whatever the reason you're doing it. So I want to thank them. Um, because without them, there obviously would be a lot of incomplete ah families. And then,
00:35:34
Speaker
for intended parents, you know, just trust the process um because there were times where I was like, okay, like it was just, it was going so well. Like I was kind of like, oh, like, you know, like we're used to chaos. Like where's, where's the chaos?
00:35:52
Speaker
and so to snappo yeah yeah a flo fast It will, it will come. And, and again, we are, we, it didn't happen for us the first time.
00:36:03
Speaker
So the second it might, it might take you more than one time. So if you're willing, just keep, if that's what you really truly dream of, don't stop chasing your dream for however you need to get it, get it. Um, it is, it is worth it. It is absolutely worth it. Find a stress relief. That's not bad. There you go. Find a stress release. Yes. Yes. You got to have that support. You've got to have that system for sure. For sure.
Open Sharing of Graham’s Story
00:36:30
Speaker
Now that you are.
00:36:33
Speaker
post delivery and sweet Graham is here. You've just, I mean, you, you, that dream is there. You're holding that precious baby. How, you know, as you're looking to, you know, just move forward and explain his story and you know, what is contact like with your, with your donor? What, you know, what does that look like for you and your family? Um, we kept it open.
00:36:57
Speaker
Yeah. So if he ever wants to know like who she is, we're like open to that. We didn't like close that door. We also um we sent information through like a sibling registry, too. Because you don't know, right? like There could be some crazy medical thing, and he needs a kidney, and none of us match or something. I don't know. Sure, yeah, all the things. So it's kind of those things. um' I lead a life of transparency. And so I don't ever want Graham to not know who he is or where he comes from. And so yes, he was in my womb. Yes. You know, all of those things, but like, I'm, but I mean, technically like my DNA is not there. However, um, and this is something that I had, this is something that I had to like come to the realization of. And my OBG actually helped me with this because he's like,
00:37:53
Speaker
There's no way you could carry a baby and they're feeding off of you and they're growing through you that there's nothing there. And so my OBG was like, yeah, there's connection. There is definitely connection there. like get you know there won't There may not be like a similar blood type or something like that, but because that baby you know grows and develops through you after you know implanting, you're a part of that child very much so. Um, so I had to like keep that in mind because I was like, you know, it's technically not me, right? Like, ah yeah but I had to like, that was, that was kind of a struggle for me. Like I was kind of, you know, like it's not really mine, but it is, but it's not like, and so I had to get, you know, I had to get past that. And so it's, you know, and I'm going to be very honest with Graham about, about all of it, um, because he's so special and it's, it's almost like.
00:38:49
Speaker
When you look at him, he like he feels that. I mean, he's just he's accomplishing and he's doing things at such an early age. um he like It's like he's destined to be here and he can feel that too, just the way in which he interacts and how he is. I mean, his his aura is just like overwhelming. like it's just It's this huge, just...
00:39:12
Speaker
Love, it's a love word. Everybody wants to touch him. Yeah. Oh, well, he was so wanted. So wanted. Oh my gosh. Okay. So Ebony, wait to go back to what you were saying kind of, you know, because I know that is a concern for, you know, a lot of moms whenever, you know, egg donation becomes the reality and they're kind of figuring out how am I going to feel connected to this child?
00:39:41
Speaker
How did you kind of come to terms with that? Was it during the egg donation process? Was it during pregnancy? like How did you you know just come to terms with all of that? it For me, it it was once I realized I was pregnant. like Up to that point, it um to be honest, it was very transactional. like Even though there was a personal element and our team was great,
00:40:11
Speaker
It was like, we were just kind of doing the stuff, like sure you're in the kitchen preparing, like to make the meal. And then like, it doesn't really register until the meal is being served. Right. So then I was like, okay. Like when I got the positive, cause even once we got the test and he was like, yes, it's positive. You know, I was going in like every other day and they were checking like my and EMR levels and making sure like,
00:40:34
Speaker
those things were increasing. And that basically showed that the success of the pregnancy was getting better and better because those hormones, those levels were increasing at every blood draw. And then i was I was getting ultrasounds like every two days. And um so once I was pregnant is when the rubber kind of hit the road for me. But when I, what truly, I was like, who is like, when I got through that, that first trimester, because that was the one where it was still very,
00:41:04
Speaker
down can happen you german miss carry me You could like, so of course I was keeping my stress level down or whatever, but when we got, you know, I was going through, there's a lot of appointments that you're going to go through that first three months. Yeah.
Ebony's Confidence and Gratitude
00:41:18
Speaker
And once we got past the first trimester, I was like, all right, we're smooth sailing from here. Like this is my kid. We got this like, um, it was just, it just a whole different, um, just a whole different type of energy came over me.
00:41:34
Speaker
Um, and of course, when you're in your second trimester too, it's just, you kind of get through all the, yeah, I feel like I was born again, but he was mine. I was like, this is my baby. Like we're good. We got this. Like, okay, baby. And anytime I felt off or I didn't feel well, I would just put my hand on my belly and I'd be like, all right, baby Graham, like, okay, we're going to get through this. It's okay. Mama's here. And like, I don't know. Like I just started bonding.
00:42:02
Speaker
I'm with him and we are very close. Oh, yeah. Oh, you got another mama's boy. think mom I will walk into a room and he will walk eyes with me and he will not take his eyes off of me if he like. And if I'm out of the room, he's kind of. Oh.
00:42:40
Speaker
I really appreciate how honest you are because you know it sounds like you guys like you said you were you were going through the steps, it was it was it was a means to an end, it was a process, you had to check all of these boxes and. When you're doing that there's not really a whole lot of time to kind of.
00:42:58
Speaker
especially whenever it's not a guarantee, right? Like you don't want to go there emotionally. And so, and even in that first trimester, it's like, it's still, like you said, it's still not a guarantee. We're still having to go to these appointments. We're still having to check those box, with those boxes. And you know, for you to finally have that joy and that sweet hand on your belly and you know, just all of that, that's amazing. Amazing.
00:43:22
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I had to realize that feelings weren't facts, right? So it's like whenever we were feeling something, it wasn't a factual thing that was happening. So, you know, you feel that stress or you feel that anxiety or you feel that, you know, oh man, it's just going to work. Um, it's not a fact, right? Because the fact is it's still, it's still in process. So, you know, that's one of the things that I had to remember for myself is, you know, I feel a little bit of anxious, a little bit of like what's happening here, but, uh, I had to realize it's not a fact. The fact is he's still in there.
00:43:57
Speaker
Okay. So my final question to you guys, and and it's a fun one. i um For anyone who knows me, they know I have a very codependent relationship on coffee.
00:44:08
Speaker
And I know with your beautiful, almost five month old, um that you guys also have a dependent relationship on coffee right now. But I always like to ask the question, what filled your cup today? Literally or figuratively, what was the thing that filled your cup? I'll let wife go first. I know what mine is. um Well, one, just I knew what today was, right? Like we were preparing to have this conversation and I look at that baby every morning and it just gives me such joy, but it was different today because I was like, I'm kind of telling part of his story of how he got here. um And I just like, I literally picked him up. I got a little teary eyed and I was just like, thank you God. Like thank you um because he's here.
00:45:00
Speaker
And he's perfect. I mean, there's, I mean, there is like literally nothing wrong with him. I mean, and he was born early. So, um, like he's, he's perfect in every way. And I was like, thank you God. Like I get to like, actually tell others how we got here. And it's a miracle. He's here. Thank you. Um, so that that's what did it for me. It's just like knowing that.
00:45:25
Speaker
I got to, I was chosen to be his mom and like God saw, saw, saw it through all the way. I love that. Yeah. Mine is catching a smile for my kid. So yes wow that's that, that fills my cup. You know, he smiles at mom every, every time he sees her, me, he's got to look around. He's like, Oh, okay. It's you. All right. So yeah, but that's, that's my deal with his gums.
00:45:50
Speaker
I love it. I love it. Well, Ebony and Donald, I really I mean, I appreciate the fact that um you were willing to tell Graham story and being vulnerable about the process. And um I'm just I'm so glad that I get to talk to you on the other side. And um and your dreams have come true and you have this beautiful happy family. um And I'm, again, I'm just so grateful um that you were willing to choose to share your story. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. Oh my gosh. We'd be remiss if we didn't just thank everybody at the EDS team because without y'all, like this just, this would not have happened. I mean, it's just, again, I get overwhelmed because it's just like, wow.
00:46:37
Speaker
um They are, y'all's team is the best team. And they help us through a lot. And so, like I said, it's worth it. I mean, doing it out without team. I love it. I love it. Well, I love that you had that team and that support, whether it was EDS or your family, your village, all of that. um And I'm glad we get to be a part of your village. Thank you. Thank you.
00:47:07
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Me, You, and Who. We appreciate your time and hope you enjoyed our discussion today. As we wrap, we would like to remind you of some of the ways that you can stay connected with us and be part of the Me, You, and Who podcast community. Firstly, if you haven't already, make sure to subscribe to our podcast on your favorite platform.
00:47:31
Speaker
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00:47:47
Speaker
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00:48:10
Speaker
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