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Transformative Love: Navigating Heartbreak and Self-Love for Lasting Connections
154 Plays2 years ago
In this episode of Bigger Talks, Eric explores the intricacies of love, self-love, navigating heartbreak, and personal growth. He delves into the relationship we have with ourselves, insisting that self-love is the foundation for simpler and more fulfilling romantic partnerships. Eric also emphasizes the importance of authenticity, setting boundaries, and the willingness to show vulnerability as vital components in creating meaningful and lasting connections.
About this episode:
- Embrace heartbreak as an inevitable aspect of life that can lead to stronger, more resilient versions of ourselves.
- Cultivating self-love is essential to healthy relationships and is a reflection of how we accept love from others.
- Understanding oneself and shedding layers of pretense can pave the way to genuine and fulfilling relationships.
- While painful, betrayal can serve as a catalyst for personal transformation and an opportunity to evolve.
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Work with me: https://www.ericbigger.com/workwithme?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=work_with_m...
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Bigger Talks'
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Bigger Talks with Eric Bigger, a podcast dedicated to delving into unexpected conversations with a diverse range of guests.
00:00:13
Speaker
I'm your host, Eric Bigger, and I'm joining you each week to create an authentic space of dialogue about the subcultures of American life.
00:00:20
Speaker
Through engaging discussions with writers, actors, experts, and influencers, we will explore the strength of diversity and the transformational power of vulnerability.
00:00:32
Speaker
So let's dive in and discover the unexpected together on Bigger Talks.
00:00:41
Speaker
Bigger Talks, Bigger Talks.
00:00:43
Speaker
Back again in another episode.
00:00:45
Speaker
And today, I'm so
Exploring Layers of Love
00:00:48
Speaker
grateful.
00:00:48
Speaker
we're going to talk about love, we're going to talk about love, more importantly, self-love, but the layers beneath that and the extensions of that for my paradigm is going to be betrayal, heartbreaks, communication, fear, healing, authenticity, vulnerability,
00:01:08
Speaker
And just all the things that I've experienced in my lifetime from what I've been through, from what I've seen and experienced until how I see the world in a compass of love and what love does to people and how we
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00:01:23
Speaker
see it.
00:01:23
Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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00:02:17
Speaker
All right, all right, all right.
00:02:19
Speaker
Let's get into it.
Heartbreak as a Catalyst for Growth
00:02:20
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So before we get into the actual body of the episode, I want to preface it with a story of a me.
00:02:28
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So I had a buddy of mine send me a DM the other day.
00:02:32
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And you know how they got those threads on Twitter.
00:02:34
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And the thread read, what's worse than heartbreak?
00:02:39
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And someone replied and said, being broke.
00:02:42
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And so then he sent it to me.
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And I'm like, I don't know if...
00:02:46
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Being broke is worse than heartbreak.
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So I was asking the question.
00:02:50
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I said, have you been heartbroken before?
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He was like, no.
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I was like, ah, man.
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Woo.
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Baby.
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It's not a game.
00:02:58
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It hurts.
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It's severe.
00:03:01
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It doesn't make sense.
00:03:03
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He's like, been broke.
00:03:04
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I was like, yeah, I've been in LA 13 years.
00:03:06
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Like, I didn't always have money in my time.
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I came here at 22.
00:03:09
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I've been here 13 years.
00:03:12
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So, yeah, I've struggled as an adult, you know, trying to figure it out, pay bills and find a job, find employment.
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I experienced that.
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But I also experienced heartbreak.
00:03:23
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And when the love is great, the love is great.
00:03:25
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But what is?
00:03:25
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When you're broken, it's tough.
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You feel low.
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You feel sad.
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You feel off.
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You feel somewhat depressed.
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It just don't make sense.
00:03:34
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You just feel disconnected from self.
00:03:37
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But my feedback to him was like, to be honest, I think in my lifetime, I can't speak for others because some people never had a heart broken before or never been broke.
00:03:47
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I believe heartbreak, everyone should experience it if they can.
00:03:52
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Because what you get after it is so much greater than a break.
00:03:56
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Like, yeah, your heart is broken.
00:03:58
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You feel off.
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You feel hurt, but you get so much more power and so much wisdom and so much substance and so much vitality of just you're more wise and you're more strong and you're more whole because of the break-in.
00:04:14
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You just level up in a different way.
00:04:15
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I can't explain it.
00:04:17
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But then being broke, I mean, it's just all these things I think are not bad.
00:04:20
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I think society has made these things bad because it puts such a strong negative connotation on it.
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But people listen, don't be afraid of heartbreak and don't be afraid of being broke.
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Because in order to have a breakthrough, you got to be broken down.
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Sometimes you got to be broke.
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Sometimes you got to be heartbroken.
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It's not the end of the world.
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It's just a phase in your life.
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It's a moment in your life that gets you to the other side of where you want to go.
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And it's also part of some people's extension, part of their growth.
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Some of us get in relationships where we're out, we're triggered and we get into a dark night of the soul and a spiritual awakening and it wakes up our real self and our true self.
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So it's not all bad.
00:04:55
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I just think people are putting energy on something they never experienced because of what the world tells them until they get
Astrology's Influence on Relationships
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in it.
00:05:01
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So people, it's okay.
00:05:03
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I think Stephen Barlett from podcast CEO Diary, I think it's his podcast.
00:05:08
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It talks about he believed everybody should experience heartbreak.
00:05:11
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I believe so too.
00:05:12
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But that's another story.
00:05:14
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All right, so let's get into the episode.
00:05:15
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So of lately, probably the last two weeks, maybe 10 days, then we get a lot of DMs, a lot of conversations surrounding love, self-love, fear.
00:05:27
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You know, we also moving into this lunar eclipse in Libra.
00:05:30
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So to people, my astrology people, you know, it's an intense eclipse.
00:05:34
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I think the last time we had this was at the end of October, 2023.
00:05:39
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And oh, baby, that was tough for me.
00:05:42
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That's when all the brokenness happened.
00:05:45
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You know, you had to get rid of some folks, get rid of some people, some relationships, some loved ones, maybe some friends that were dear to you.
00:05:52
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I think this time around, that's what's coming up next for all of us.
00:05:56
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We got to get real with ourselves, got to step into our power and not tolerate what we tolerated before from people who don't respect boundaries, who don't love us the way we need to be loved, or some people who just can't go along the journey of where we're going.
00:06:09
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So some of you listening are probably already in the midst of it.
00:06:12
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You're probably going through it.
00:06:14
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You're probably trying to figure out how to get out of it or how to handle this.
00:06:16
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So some of you might meet a new partner or a new situation or a new opportunity to embrace love and joy and abundance from someone.
00:06:22
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But this is really about
00:06:24
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Leveling up and really putting yourself first and setting your boundaries and some people you got to let go.
00:06:32
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And I think the hardest thing is people don't know how to let go people they love dearly or people they spent so much time with.
00:06:38
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But I get it.
00:06:39
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I've been there.
00:06:40
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I believe after my cacao ceremony in Joshua Tree, cacao is for your heart space.
00:06:45
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It opened up my heart to really see the depths of love and how love is used in society to control us, to manipulate us, to stimulate fear in us.
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From a marketing standpoint, from a visual standpoint, I don't think love is as hard as we make it, but we make it hard because of all the negative stuff we think about.
00:07:05
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It's like someone going to the gym, they think about all the hard things they can't do that they have to do.
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They haven't even walked in the gym yet.
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It's like, no, we're not doing that in this workout.
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This is your first day.
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I'm not going to make you go do a thousand burpees and run sprints.
00:07:17
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No, you're going to take it easy.
00:07:19
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You're going to baby step our way into the process of you getting fit.
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The reason I say I believe and I know from my perspective, I can't speak for others, that love is simple.
00:07:29
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Because love is nothing but a reflection of how you love yourself, right?
00:07:34
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How you love yourself, the love you saw growing up, your blueprint, your perspective, your paradigm, your perception of love, right?
00:07:42
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How you was loved as a child.
00:07:44
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And all of us had different experiences growing up.
00:07:46
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But I do believe some of us, including me, speaking of me, I had to get over a lot of fear and trauma about
00:07:53
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being loved and loving people.
00:07:55
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A lot of people love me because of the abandonment wound that I suffered as a kid and not being loved the way I thought I should be.
00:08:01
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You know, not letting people in because I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt.
00:08:03
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And I was like, how are they going to hurt you?
00:08:05
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You know, it's like creating this wall because we just don't know because we don't have the information.
00:08:09
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We don't have the tools.
00:08:11
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We don't have the awareness around it.
00:08:13
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Right.
00:08:13
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So the way I think love is simple is the more you love yourself, the more it's easy for others to love you.
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I believe.
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Right.
00:08:21
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I believe if I'm setting my boundaries, I'm loving myself.
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I'm disciplined with myself.
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I'm making promise to myself.
00:08:29
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I'm consistent with not putting myself last in situations.
00:08:32
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I know that's hard because I've done it for years.
00:08:34
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I was a people pleaser.
00:08:35
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So I know it's not easy because some of your parents and, you know, you got to do what you got to do.
00:08:40
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However, if we do all these things, putting yourself first, loving yourself, taking care of you, self-preservation is the law of the land, right?
00:08:47
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I don't think being in a relationship would be hard to receive love.
00:08:52
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Now, when you get in a relationship, I don't think a relationship is just about love.
00:08:56
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I think it's about communication.
00:08:58
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I think it's about understanding.
00:09:00
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I think it's about alignment.
00:09:01
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I think it's about relatability, vulnerability, authenticity, transparency.
00:09:08
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There's so many layers to a relationship that we always make love the number one thing because I was in a relationship and I had all the love, but I wasn't happy.
00:09:16
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So I know love don't make me happy if I'm just getting love in a relationship.
00:09:19
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I need multiple things.
00:09:20
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I think we all do.
Foundations of Self-Love in Relationships
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I love love.
00:09:22
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I'm a lover.
00:09:23
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I became the love I wanted that I didn't get as a child.
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But a lot of the things that happen in relationships are a reflection of ourselves and what we've been through and what we believe and what we watch on TV or what our mom and dad went through or what our aunts, uncles and cousins said.
00:09:38
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Because in my understanding,
00:09:41
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I know people who've been in relationships for years, but they don't have the awareness I have in a relationship, you know, because I've done so much work on myself.
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I've spent so much time by myself.
00:09:51
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You can quote me or you can challenge me on this.
00:09:52
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I believe the best healing that you can get in life is when you're in a relationship with yourself before anyone else.
00:09:59
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Because when you're in a relationship and you're trying to heal, it's not that it's not possible because anything's possible.
00:10:05
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However, you still have the other person's energy on you to reflect or deflect what you need to be doing or not doing.
00:10:11
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And I think the only way to have a real strong relationship with another person or partner, you got to have a strong foundation of relationship with self.
00:10:20
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I think relationships don't last and don't go further because we've been programmed, all of us.
00:10:27
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Not to know ourselves, our most authentic self, our true self, this self we hide from people, our shadow self, this side that you don't want to want to know about.
00:10:36
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We hide all that from ourselves.
00:10:38
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So if I'm going into a relationship and I say, oh, I love myself, I love the other, but I'm not exposing my dark side to myself nor my partner.
00:10:47
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That relationship at some point is going to fall off or going to be shaky or it's going to be some pockets in there.
00:10:52
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That's just what it is.
00:10:54
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I feel like when you're not leaving nothing off the table, it's easy to love and stand in your power.
00:10:59
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However, we're so afraid for someone to reject us, to leave us, to abandon us.
00:11:05
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Right.
00:11:05
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That was my fear for years.
00:11:07
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So I would open up my heart space because I don't know what abandoned me.
00:11:09
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I'm going to just control this and be with no one.
00:11:12
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So I think a lot of that comes from, like I said, our perceptions around love, what we've been through.
00:11:19
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And like I said, people who are in a relationship, they've been in a relationship a long time.
00:11:23
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They don't have that much awareness of self.
00:11:25
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Because they've been so connected with their partner.
00:11:28
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So they started becoming their partner.
00:11:30
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And then when I was in my situation, I realized these are not only my thoughts.
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This is not even my energy.
00:11:36
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I don't even think like this.
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But I was so in union with the individual that, you know what I mean?
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We was like peanut butter and jelly.
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And I thought this was my sandwich too.
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But it really wasn't true.
00:11:47
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Once I got out of my situation and started realizing that
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It's not who I am.
00:11:52
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I betrayed myself.
00:11:53
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That's basically what happened.
00:11:54
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I betrayed myself to make somebody else happy.
00:11:56
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I betrayed parts of me because I didn't want a person to see that part of me because I'm afraid they didn't like me.
00:12:01
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And all this unconscious fear and scarcity from the abandonment wound and all the fears and all the ideologies and perceptions and connotations on pit and old things because I want to get hurt.
00:12:12
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You know, it's like eventually you're going to get hurt anyway.
00:12:15
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So I think self-love is why love should be simple and love shouldn't be hard.
00:12:20
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If we love ourselves the best way we know how, I don't think it's going to be hard for another person to love you.
00:12:25
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Now, if you're not communicating, I got a poll from some people I'll share with this later on Instagram, but some people I was talking to earlier, they were saying the reason love and relationships are hard and they are challenging is because the way the economy is shaping up today.
00:12:42
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Like people having problems and challenges with their finances and, you know, that takes energy out of you and, you know, stress to pay the bills.
00:12:49
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And so you don't have the time and space to hold space and grace for someone else because you're busy trying to stay afloat and survive and make rent and pay your bills and have health insurance.
00:13:01
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All the things that someone else might be experiencing right now.
00:13:04
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So therefore, your relationship can thrive.
00:13:07
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And I think when I was in my situation, I wasn't happy in life.
00:13:10
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So, of course, my relationship can only hopefully amplify me, but it didn't in a way because I wasn't happy.
00:13:17
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So doesn't matter if a person was loving me, if I was in the space I need to be for me.
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It wouldn't work, you know.
00:13:23
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So I just think at the end of the day, the real relationship that we must have is a relationship with ourselves.
Importance of Self-Relationship
00:13:31
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Good parts of ourselves, the bad parts of ourselves, the parts we hide from ourselves and others.
00:13:38
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Because once you can marry yourself and be in a relationship with self, you can maneuver or kind of hold space in a situation with someone else because you know yourself.
00:13:49
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You understand who you are.
00:13:51
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You know how you show up.
00:13:52
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You know what you don't like.
00:13:53
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You know what you do like.
00:13:54
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Not saying that you can't change parts of yourself for someone to come into your life or you have an open perspective.
00:14:01
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But when you have a strong foundation with yourself, it's like, come on.
00:14:06
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I know who I am.
00:14:07
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I know what I want.
00:14:07
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I know what I don't want.
00:14:08
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I know what I'm condoning.
00:14:09
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I know what I'm not condoning.
00:14:11
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And I'm not hiding parts of myself or betraying myself to make another happy because of love.
00:14:16
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But I think that's what we do.
00:14:18
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We're so afraid to miss out on the love that we'll do anything to keep it, but we're not being our real self.
00:14:23
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So therefore we lose it anyway.
00:14:24
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So you could be in a relationship for five years and on the eighth year you lose it because you hit all parts of you because of fear.
00:14:32
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When you're not in a relationship coming from a loving space, it don't last long.
00:14:36
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When you're coming from fear and scarcity, what a person's going to think, no matter how much you love them and you tell them and you show them, you're still coming from that fear paradigm.
00:14:46
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It's not going to work.
00:14:47
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It's like meek.
00:14:49
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Love is someone because of people, please.
00:14:50
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And I don't want to tell them no.
00:14:51
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And I don't want to set strong boundaries and I don't want to disappoint them.
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Eventually, I'm going to build resentment.
00:14:56
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I'm going to hate the person or feel negative towards them because it's something I didn't do.
00:15:00
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It's nothing they did.
00:15:01
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It's something I didn't do.
00:15:02
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I didn't speak my truth.
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I wasn't in the truth of who I needed to be because of fear.
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Can't live like that.
00:15:07
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All right.
00:15:08
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So heartbreak is real.
00:15:10
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I've experienced it.
00:15:11
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I'm pretty sure some of you have experienced it, but it doesn't mean we should not love and give all our love because we
00:15:18
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At the end of the day, when you have opportunity to have someone come into your life and you have the opportunity to receive love.
00:15:26
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And if you're open and you're honest enough with yourself, I think you should go ahead and take a chance.
00:15:31
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But when you're kind of just on eggshells your whole life and you're so afraid, I just feel like you're never going to get where you want to go in life.
00:15:39
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You get a relationship like you just can't play it safe.
00:15:42
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There's a book called Playing It Safe is the New Risk, right?
00:15:45
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When you play it safe, that's a risk, right?
00:15:48
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I'm going to play it safe.
00:15:49
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Jump in.
00:15:49
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Jump in the deep end.
00:15:51
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But make sure you love it for the right reasons, not the wrong reason.
00:15:54
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And don't let fear creep in.
00:15:55
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So let's move into betrayal.
00:15:58
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Now, in betrayal, in a relationship, a friendship, partnership, business, betrayal is a different type of heartbreak.
00:16:05
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Because, you know, there's heartbreak in a romantic relationship.
00:16:08
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There's heartbreak in friendship.
00:16:10
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Heartbreak in betrayal, where someone you trusted with your whole life, whether it was a family member, a friend for years, a business partner,
00:16:17
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And they just betray you.
00:16:19
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That hurts.
00:16:20
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Honestly, I think that hurts more than a relationship heartbreak, to be honest.
00:16:25
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Because it's like, it just hurts, man.
00:16:27
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It's like, damn, man, I can't trust again.
00:16:30
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Who can I trust?
00:16:31
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Ever.
00:16:32
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Ever.
00:16:33
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I believe all these things are set up and lined up for you to evolve, for you to enhance and build and develop your character, for you to grow into the individual we need to be in this lifetime.
00:16:46
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If we allow ourselves to continue to skip steps because of fear, to continue to skip steps because we don't want to get hurt again or betrayal, like we're never going to blossom into our full potential.
00:16:58
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I believe I'm here to live my full potential.
00:17:00
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I'm not letting nothing.
00:17:01
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I'm not letting heartbreak, fear, betrayal.
00:17:04
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Like I'm not living to be in fear for what?
00:17:07
Speaker
You did that long enough.
00:17:08
Speaker
Growing up in a tough environment or unsafe environment.
00:17:11
Speaker
So you got to be comfortable in your relationship.
00:17:14
Speaker
A lot of us are not safe in our relationships because we're not safe in our relationship we have with ourselves.
00:17:18
Speaker
We're not safe in our own bodies with ourselves.
00:17:21
Speaker
So how can you completely be safe with another person?
00:17:24
Speaker
And then some of us take on a pain.
00:17:26
Speaker
And the grief from past relationships.
00:17:28
Speaker
So when you get in a new relationship, you can't even fully be in that because you're still bringing all this baggage and all this energy from the past because you haven't healed.
00:17:35
Speaker
You're so afraid to be alone to do the work on yourself so you can grow.
00:17:39
Speaker
You jump right back into a new relationship.
00:17:41
Speaker
No wonder it's not working.
00:17:43
Speaker
Don't work like that.
00:17:44
Speaker
You got to heal.
00:17:45
Speaker
Can't just keep hopping from relationships.
00:17:47
Speaker
It don't work like that.
00:17:49
Speaker
And if it does, maybe it does for you.
00:17:51
Speaker
But I don't believe because it's still energy that you still have on you from past things.
00:17:56
Speaker
And some things take time.
00:17:57
Speaker
But yeah, betrayal is real.
00:17:59
Speaker
I think the biggest betrayal is the betrayal of yourself.
00:18:03
Speaker
I've done that.
00:18:04
Speaker
And that hurts.
00:18:05
Speaker
And I've been in spaces where I've been in the bathroom on the floor crying because I'm so upset with myself.
00:18:11
Speaker
Like, why did I let myself down?
00:18:13
Speaker
Why did I disappoint myself?
00:18:15
Speaker
Why did I not complete my promises?
00:18:18
Speaker
What is that about?
00:18:19
Speaker
Because I was afraid.
00:18:21
Speaker
To be who I needed to be.
00:18:23
Speaker
Because I was going to disappoint someone.
00:18:25
Speaker
Or make a person not feel what they used to feel in this life.
00:18:27
Speaker
They need to feel less out of you too.
00:18:29
Speaker
You're human.
00:18:29
Speaker
You're not perfect.
00:18:31
Speaker
Right?
00:18:31
Speaker
Like we got to start striving for perfection.
00:18:33
Speaker
And we need to strive for authenticity.
00:18:36
Speaker
Be authentic.
00:18:38
Speaker
And look, if the person you love can't handle your truth or your other side, your shadow side, they don't belong in your life.
00:18:43
Speaker
That's just what it is.
00:18:45
Speaker
That's what I believe.
00:18:46
Speaker
Hey, look, I'm all for unconditional love, but I'm not for unconditional tolerance.
00:18:51
Speaker
I'm not tolerating everything just because I love you.
00:18:54
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:18:54
Speaker
There's people that I love dearly, family and friends.
00:18:57
Speaker
Certain things I'm not tolerating.
00:18:59
Speaker
I'm removing myself.
00:19:00
Speaker
You deal with that.
00:19:01
Speaker
I'm not dealing with that.
00:19:03
Speaker
So there's a quote that says we get what we tolerate.
00:19:06
Speaker
And if you tolerate misbehavior, if you tolerate disrespect, if you tolerate someone just constantly running the same pattern and they're telling you they're going to change, then that's on you.
00:19:17
Speaker
It's not on them because you're tolerating.
00:19:19
Speaker
So we've got to get out of that space.
00:19:22
Speaker
So we spoke on heartbreak, betrayal.
00:19:25
Speaker
I spoke a little bit on like knowing yourself.
00:19:27
Speaker
I think that's the most ultimate thing that you should have in any relationship.
00:19:31
Speaker
Like, first of all, why am I in this relationship?
00:19:34
Speaker
What is it really for?
00:19:35
Speaker
What is it really about?
00:19:36
Speaker
Because some of us get in relationships because of attention.
00:19:40
Speaker
Even you're getting a lot of it from a person or lack thereof.
00:19:44
Speaker
Some of us are in relationships because of sex, because of lust and not love.
00:19:49
Speaker
The lust is so strong that it overpowers the love that you just jump in a relationship.
00:19:54
Speaker
Some of us get in a relationship because we're afraid to be alone.
00:19:56
Speaker
It's fear.
00:19:57
Speaker
We're afraid to be alone.
00:20:00
Speaker
So we get in a relationship because we don't want to be by ourselves.
00:20:02
Speaker
So now we come into a relationship like for the wrong reasons.
00:20:05
Speaker
Some of us get in it because of money or status.
00:20:07
Speaker
Let's be real.
00:20:08
Speaker
Let's call a spade a spade.
00:20:10
Speaker
You're only dating that person because they got some money or, you know, they give you some good loving.
00:20:14
Speaker
You don't really like them.
00:20:16
Speaker
You just like how they make you feel.
00:20:17
Speaker
You just like what they do for you.
00:20:19
Speaker
But if it came down to it, you wouldn't really be with that person if they didn't have those things.
00:20:24
Speaker
So that's another thing.
00:20:25
Speaker
We manipulate ourselves to justify why we do things with people.
00:20:29
Speaker
We don't really like them or we're not really into them like that.
00:20:32
Speaker
You know, so we got to really be clear.
00:20:34
Speaker
Get real clear with yourself.
00:20:37
Speaker
Have a single mind on what you want from this situation and why are you in it.
00:20:41
Speaker
And some of us are lonely for too long.
00:20:43
Speaker
And he's like, forget it.
00:20:43
Speaker
I might as well jump in.
00:20:44
Speaker
Right?
00:20:45
Speaker
But listen, people.
00:20:47
Speaker
End of the day, you got to live your life.
00:20:50
Speaker
And you got to do what's best for you.
00:20:52
Speaker
But at the same time, make sure you're not hurting people by...
00:20:55
Speaker
manipulate them and some of you and some of us we're good at love bombing who love love love we're good at love bombing we're gonna love bomb the mess out of someone get over here and then they get us then we want to control them so we just got to be aware of all our blind spots awareness around our triggers awareness around our fears awareness around insecurities insecurities can really stop a relationship trust me can stop relationship on both parts
00:21:22
Speaker
So if you got some insecurities, it's okay.
00:21:24
Speaker
It's not a bad thing.
00:21:25
Speaker
You got to be real with yourself, though.
00:21:27
Speaker
You got insecurity.
00:21:28
Speaker
There's certain people you're not supposed to be dating, then.
00:21:31
Speaker
It's just what it is.
00:21:33
Speaker
They say if it's too hot, then get out the kitchen.
00:21:36
Speaker
You can't hang.
00:21:36
Speaker
It's not that they did anything wrong.
00:21:38
Speaker
You're just not ready for that type of energy.
00:21:41
Speaker
So if your partner has the opposite sex around them all the time and you can't deal with it, that's on you.
00:21:45
Speaker
That's not on them.
00:21:46
Speaker
If this is their profession, their business is how they live their life.
00:21:49
Speaker
If it's for the greater good of what they're doing.
00:21:52
Speaker
So don't set yourself up for failure trying to be like you can handle it.
00:21:56
Speaker
Some of us need therapy.
00:21:57
Speaker
We need to go to therapy.
00:21:59
Speaker
We need to do the work.
00:22:00
Speaker
We need to work on yourself.
00:22:01
Speaker
Because after some time, it's like, you keep making the same mistakes in a relationship.
00:22:05
Speaker
It's like, of course, the person's going to want to leave and exit.
00:22:08
Speaker
Right?
00:22:08
Speaker
So all I'm saying here is the more we know ourselves, the more we love ourselves, the more we speak our authentic truth, and the more we're not afraid of what our truth does to others, then we're going to have a secure relationship.
Healing from Betrayal and Heartbreak
00:22:21
Speaker
If not in this, then that one, you're going to attract someone who can vibrate at their frequency or understand that.
00:22:26
Speaker
We don't want nobody perfect.
00:22:27
Speaker
I don't want nobody perfect.
00:22:29
Speaker
You know?
00:22:30
Speaker
I want somebody who's been through a little bit to kind of know, okay, you can relate.
00:22:33
Speaker
We can have a real conversation.
00:22:34
Speaker
We can unpack all of this and not be triggered and be afraid of the worst thing happening because I love you, you love me.
00:22:43
Speaker
But I'm not trying to hold anything back to make you like me.
00:22:46
Speaker
So for six months, I'm not going to really tell her what's really going on because I want her to stay with me.
00:22:50
Speaker
It's like, that's not real, man.
00:22:52
Speaker
Stop that.
00:22:53
Speaker
We got to stop wasting each other's time and energy.
00:22:56
Speaker
However, every relationship is for growth, right?
00:22:58
Speaker
For you to grow.
00:22:59
Speaker
And some people are not willing to grow.
00:23:00
Speaker
Some people stop growing.
00:23:01
Speaker
Some people act like they want to grow, but they don't want to.
00:23:03
Speaker
Because honestly, growing is too uncomfortable.
00:23:07
Speaker
Trust me, I know.
00:23:08
Speaker
There's those who's willing to do the work and there's others who speak it but won't do it.
00:23:12
Speaker
Because they're going to come from it.
00:23:14
Speaker
And I'm not mad at them.
00:23:15
Speaker
I'm just not dealing with someone.
00:23:17
Speaker
If we're committed to doing something to better the situation and you're not doing it, then it's over with.
00:23:22
Speaker
But yeah, heartbreak is real.
00:23:25
Speaker
Betrayal happens.
00:23:27
Speaker
I also think it's how you respond to it.
00:23:30
Speaker
How do you respond to a breakup or heartbreak?
00:23:33
Speaker
And the only thing I can say in my experience is you just keep, you know, I was in the gym twice a day.
00:23:38
Speaker
Constantly praying, working out, putting on good music.
00:23:41
Speaker
You got to really build yourself back up, really.
00:23:44
Speaker
But you get so much strength from it that you get no awareness that you just like, okay, I needed that.
00:23:49
Speaker
Thank you.
00:23:50
Speaker
Thank you, God.
00:23:50
Speaker
Thank you, universe.
00:23:52
Speaker
Tightening you up.
00:23:52
Speaker
You got tightened up.
00:23:54
Speaker
Relationship tightened you up.
00:23:55
Speaker
And then, like I said, there's people who are afraid to leave a relationship because they've never been alone.
00:23:59
Speaker
And it's like, that's even scary.
00:24:02
Speaker
Been in a relationship so much, you're so afraid of being alone.
00:24:04
Speaker
Oof.
00:24:06
Speaker
You know, but everybody's different.
00:24:10
Speaker
I respect everyone's perspective and paradigm.
00:24:12
Speaker
I just know from my experience, I'm going to feel how I feel and I'm going to embrace it in every capacity.
00:24:18
Speaker
No one's perfect.
00:24:18
Speaker
I definitely wasn't perfect in any of my situations, but I'm willing to own my mishappenance.
00:24:23
Speaker
I just think we just got to be real as individuals.
00:24:25
Speaker
Just, you know, like someone has said something to me earlier today.
00:24:30
Speaker
They called me out and I called them.
00:24:32
Speaker
I'm like, yo, don't ever send me a DM.
00:24:34
Speaker
If you have a problem, call me.
00:24:35
Speaker
We had a real conversation.
00:24:36
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah, there we go.
00:24:38
Speaker
That's the person I want.
00:24:39
Speaker
I don't want the fake person not telling me how they feel.
00:24:41
Speaker
We had a beautiful conversation for an hour.
00:24:44
Speaker
So, yeah, I want that type of people.
00:24:45
Speaker
I'm like, give me the truth.
00:24:47
Speaker
Don't spare me.
00:24:48
Speaker
But I want to get to these IG questions.
00:24:51
Speaker
Let's see.
00:24:53
Speaker
So, you know, I put it on my poll today and I spoke on, let me know what should I talk about in this episode about self-love, betrayal, heartbreak, communication.
00:25:02
Speaker
Many people say lack of communication.
00:25:04
Speaker
I do believe lack of communication can run a relationship because we're not putting everything on a table.
00:25:09
Speaker
We hiding things from our partner, you know, because of fear.
00:25:13
Speaker
So there's one question or my response was, is it better to have love and loss than to not have love at all?
00:25:23
Speaker
My response to this, is it better to have love and loss than to not have?
00:25:27
Speaker
I feel like it's better to love because I don't think it's better to not love.
00:25:32
Speaker
And it's like, wow, you with the person just for the fun of it.
00:25:35
Speaker
I believe it's always better to give you all.
00:25:38
Speaker
Because when giving your all and leaving it all on the table, you can learn the most.
00:25:44
Speaker
But when you're half tailing it and you're halfway in a relationship, you're like 65, 70% in or 82% in, you ain't giving your full self, you can never have a real relationship.
00:25:53
Speaker
It's never going to go far.
00:25:54
Speaker
So I believe love.
00:25:57
Speaker
Yeah, love hard.
00:25:58
Speaker
And if you lose it, you're going to learn from it.
00:26:00
Speaker
But I feel like you can't learn anything from not loving a person because it's like you sidestepping a relationship.
00:26:06
Speaker
So you don't even know what's going on.
00:26:07
Speaker
You just think you do because you're not all in.
00:26:11
Speaker
It's like I'm going to somewhat pay my rent.
00:26:13
Speaker
So you're going to somewhat live in your apartment or your house?
00:26:16
Speaker
That don't make sense.
00:26:18
Speaker
I believe in going all in, but this was a great response.
00:26:20
Speaker
Then someone said the healing power of acceptance and accountability when your spouse leaves you.
00:26:26
Speaker
Now, let me speak on this.
00:26:28
Speaker
I can't relate to a spouse leaving me because I haven't been in a situation.
00:26:31
Speaker
I've been married, had someone be with me and then leave me.
00:26:34
Speaker
However, what I will say is, and it might be tough, it might sound bad.
00:26:39
Speaker
Maybe your spouse was supposed to leave you because maybe there's parts of yourself that you need to work on or grow through for your benefit.
00:26:45
Speaker
Or maybe that person wasn't fulfilling you or adding value to the relationship or your life and it was taken from you and you were coming mentally and physically weak and damaged because of it.
00:26:54
Speaker
So...
00:26:56
Speaker
I don't want to say spouse leaving you is bad, but I believe in radical acceptance.
00:27:01
Speaker
Accept all of the relationship.
00:27:02
Speaker
And I think when we release ourselves from relationships, we always think about all the bad stuff.
00:27:07
Speaker
Don't forget about the good stuff because every relationship has great parts.
00:27:10
Speaker
So don't forget about that because the relationship didn't end up the way you wanted it, right?
00:27:15
Speaker
So the healing power of acceptance is so taking accountability, accepting what went wrong.
00:27:19
Speaker
What was your part in it?
00:27:20
Speaker
Because it takes two people to make a decision in a relationship for it to be a breakup or whatever.
00:27:26
Speaker
Like it takes two.
00:27:28
Speaker
So everyone plays a part, whether they say it or not.
00:27:31
Speaker
And I just think, like I said, taking full responsibility.
00:27:33
Speaker
Why did your spouse leave you?
00:27:35
Speaker
Or did you want them to leave unconsciously?
00:27:37
Speaker
And that's the energy you pushed out and you projected it and they felt it and they left.
00:27:40
Speaker
Like there's so many things there, right?
00:27:43
Speaker
And then another response was crying and anger are part of the healing process.
00:27:48
Speaker
But don't let that consume you.
00:27:49
Speaker
Yes, listen, people, be angry.
00:27:52
Speaker
Cry, please cry.
00:27:54
Speaker
Cry and be angry when you're separated from someone you was in a deep, intimate relationship with because that is real emotions coming through, coming up.
00:28:04
Speaker
You gotta let it out.
00:28:05
Speaker
You can't just hold on and act like it didn't matter.
00:28:07
Speaker
It mattered.
00:28:09
Speaker
Cry.
00:28:10
Speaker
You hurt.
00:28:10
Speaker
It's okay.
00:28:12
Speaker
I've cried.
00:28:13
Speaker
I got it out of my system.
00:28:15
Speaker
And I will add these people.
00:28:18
Speaker
No one's perfect.
00:28:19
Speaker
Anything that's ever happened in a relationship is because this what this person was at and they're paired up.
00:28:25
Speaker
And this is what you attracted in your lifetime.
00:28:28
Speaker
So you got to just be as responsible if it was really bad.
00:28:31
Speaker
You attracted this.
00:28:33
Speaker
Your body, your energetic feel attracted this relationship.
00:28:37
Speaker
And then I get there's people who've been in relationships and their partner has not grown over the years.
00:28:41
Speaker
And you did.
00:28:42
Speaker
All right.
00:28:42
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:28:43
Speaker
Y'all got kids and everything.
00:28:44
Speaker
You got to move on.
00:28:45
Speaker
That's life.
00:28:47
Speaker
Don't get attached, right?
00:28:49
Speaker
So, but I think the biggest key in all of it, full responsibility helps you have a better understanding of what went on, what didn't go on for you to move forward, but also forgiveness.
00:29:00
Speaker
We must forgive in all of our relationships, our friendships, our business partnerships, our romantic relationships, relationships from the past that we didn't forgive or heal from.
00:29:10
Speaker
Because we still go in these other relationships, not heal from the past situation.
00:29:14
Speaker
We got to practice forgiveness.
00:29:16
Speaker
And so they're like, no, this person did me dirty.
00:29:18
Speaker
And it's like, okay, all right.
00:29:20
Speaker
But you was part of that.
00:29:22
Speaker
You tolerated it or somewhere you accepted or you wasn't bold enough or strong enough or didn't feel worthy enough to put your foot down or set your boundaries.
00:29:30
Speaker
So guess what?
00:29:31
Speaker
You got to be responsible just as much as they have to be responsible.
00:29:34
Speaker
So forgiveness, you got to forgive people because if you don't forgive, that energy will creep and stay on you and you'll be living out of energy.
00:29:42
Speaker
You'll be living out in your life.
00:29:43
Speaker
And this person is over there having a ball.
00:29:45
Speaker
They don't care.
00:29:46
Speaker
But you do because you haven't forgiven.
00:29:48
Speaker
So forgiveness is also more for you than them to get their energy off of you.
00:29:54
Speaker
So forgiveness people definitely love.
00:29:59
Speaker
Love someone.
00:30:00
Speaker
If you lose them, at least you know you love them.
00:30:02
Speaker
You know, and that's the beautiful thing.
00:30:04
Speaker
You at least know that you love them and you gave them everything you got.
00:30:08
Speaker
Well, maybe you did, but at least you tried.
00:30:09
Speaker
And that's all we can ask, right?
00:30:12
Speaker
Yeah, just don't let it, like the person said, acceptance and accountability.
00:30:15
Speaker
And then the other one was saying anger and crying.
00:30:18
Speaker
Just don't let it consume you.
00:30:19
Speaker
Yeah, like don't let your past relationship be your right.
00:30:23
Speaker
I had a friend, she just got out of a situation.
00:30:25
Speaker
I'm like, it was like eight months ago.
00:30:26
Speaker
She's still like not over it.
00:30:28
Speaker
I'm like, hey, I'm like, no knock on her timing, right?
00:30:30
Speaker
You don't have to be fast.
00:30:31
Speaker
I'm like, you still living in the past.
00:30:34
Speaker
Oh, I get it.
00:30:35
Speaker
But it's eight months.
00:30:37
Speaker
And then I was asking the question, what is it?
00:30:40
Speaker
I said, oh, you're not over him.
00:30:41
Speaker
That's what it is.
00:30:44
Speaker
And I got nothing to do with the other girl.
00:30:46
Speaker
It's him.
00:30:46
Speaker
You haven't got over them feelings.
00:30:48
Speaker
She was like, yeah, because I didn't get closure.
00:30:50
Speaker
I said, that's ego.
00:30:52
Speaker
Your ego hasn't left that part of the relationship because you didn't get closure.
00:30:56
Speaker
That's your problem.
00:30:57
Speaker
You're in your ego.
00:30:58
Speaker
It's your ego mind controlling you.
00:31:00
Speaker
And now your ego has having you in this damaging space for eight months because of your ego because you didn't get closure.
00:31:06
Speaker
And I get it.
00:31:07
Speaker
I love closure.
00:31:08
Speaker
Sometimes you're not going to get it.
00:31:09
Speaker
And I've been in a situation where I didn't get closure and it hurt.
00:31:12
Speaker
And I just forgave the person.
00:31:13
Speaker
It's like.
00:31:14
Speaker
It is what it is.
00:31:15
Speaker
So we got to be willing to grow.
00:31:17
Speaker
We have to be willing to learn.
00:31:18
Speaker
We have to be willing to take and accept responsibility for our mishapness, for our mistakes, for what we did and didn't do.
00:31:25
Speaker
And we got to continue to love ourselves more and effectively communicate to all people, family, friends, potential partners, people you're dating, set boundaries.
Male Vulnerability and Self-Awareness
00:31:36
Speaker
And love.
00:31:36
Speaker
And fellas, I think I could be wrong.
00:31:38
Speaker
I believe we're so afraid to get hurt.
00:31:41
Speaker
And we're so afraid of heartbreak.
00:31:43
Speaker
And we're so afraid to dive into our feminine and, you know, be vulnerable with a woman.
00:31:48
Speaker
I get it.
00:31:49
Speaker
But bro, at some point, you got to let somebody in.
00:31:52
Speaker
If you want to grow as a man.
00:31:53
Speaker
Because I feel like a woman is only going to grow you if she hurt you.
00:31:58
Speaker
I believe.
00:31:59
Speaker
So...
00:32:00
Speaker
Hey, look, me being on all these dating shows over the years, I've learned so much about people and dating them.
00:32:05
Speaker
Like people don't really be deeply in love the way I think they do because I know they don't know themselves enough.
00:32:12
Speaker
Maybe they're loving at that space and trauma bonding is real.
00:32:16
Speaker
That's the thing too.
00:32:17
Speaker
We do a lot of trauma bonding in life.
00:32:18
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A lot of us, right?
00:32:19
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It's trauma bonding.
00:32:21
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So there's no knock to any relationship.
00:32:23
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There's no knock to any level of love.
00:32:25
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The main thing is in order to have the love you yearn and you want, you got to love yourself first.
00:32:30
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You have to be in a relationship with yourself first.
00:32:33
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You have to get to the nit and gris of yourself first.
00:32:36
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You have to be intimate with your shadow side.
00:32:38
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You have to be intimate with your real self, not the self you project or portray so people can like you or love you.
00:32:44
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It's not real.
00:32:46
Speaker
And, you know, to all the attractive people out there,
00:32:49
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Listen, be careful because sometimes, or most times I say, most people are only loving you from your flesh, for your flesh, which you look like, your ecstatic, like how you show up.
00:32:58
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They're not loving you from the internal space, your real space, your spiritual soul level.
00:33:04
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So they don't have to because you just give them what they want because of what they see.
00:33:08
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And it's like, no, that's not even a real you.
00:33:09
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That's part of it.
00:33:10
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So that's
Conclusion: Embracing Self-Love and Authenticity
00:33:12
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all.
00:33:12
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That's it.
00:33:13
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This was another Bigger Talks episode.
00:33:16
Speaker
I pray and trust this episode reached millions and millions of people.
00:33:19
Speaker
And if you like this episode, share, subscribe, and hit me up on Instagram at Eric Bigger DM me.
00:33:26
Speaker
Follow me.
00:33:27
Speaker
Follow the Bigger Talks podcast on Instagram.
00:33:30
Speaker
Shouts out to Simplify Impact.
00:33:32
Speaker
Get your Miracle Season merch at itsmiracleseason.co.
00:33:36
Speaker
Love yourself, people.
00:33:38
Speaker
all heartbreak and all betrayal is not bad i believe it's for the greater good of not only yourself but your soul's purpose and let's grow together let's not be in fear let's get to know ourselves on a deeper level and let's just be authentic beings and i think the world will be a better place and let's effectively communicate speak your truth all right or forever hold your peace i'm a bigger talks podcast peace of love
00:34:05
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Bigger Talks with Eric Bigger.
00:34:09
Speaker
If you enjoyed today's conversation and found it insightful, please consider sharing this episode with a friend, a co-worker, or someone who can benefit from these insightful discussions.
00:34:19
Speaker
Your support helps us reach more listeners as we continue to foster meaningful dialogues about the diverse subcultures of American life.
00:34:26
Speaker
I'm Eric Bigger, reminding you that every conversation has the power to broaden perspectives and foster connection.
00:34:32
Speaker
Until next time, keep embracing the unexpected on Bigger Talks.