Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
35: Faith-Filled Parenting: How To Talk To Your Kid About Technology
250 Plays3 years ago
Jill asked Hannah Lang and Laura Fleetwood to be a part of this new series about Faith-Filled Parenting. Hannah is the Director of Children’s Ministry at Messiah St. Charles. Laura is Jill’s spiritual mentor and mom to two teenage daughters. Hannah will tackle the elementary age (birth-5th grade) and Laura Fleetwood will tackle the secondary age (6th-12th grade).
Resources from Hannah:
*Technological Responsibility Timeline
*Conversation Guide: Cyberbullying
*Conversation Guide: Technology
*YouTube Playlist of Technology Tips
Normal Goes A Long Way Website: https://www.normalgoesalongway.com/
Normal Goes A Long Way Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/normalgoesalongway/
Normal Goes A Long Way Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Normal-Goes-A-Long-Way-110089491250735
Normal Goes A Long Way is brought to you by Messiah St. Charles: https://messiahstcharles.org/
Use my special link https://zen.ai/normalgoesalongway and use Normal Goes A Long Way to save 30% off your first three months of Zencastr professional. #madeonzencastr
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Podcast and Host
00:00:00
Speaker
The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production. Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members-only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith.
Exploring Faith and Parenting with Technology
00:00:28
Speaker
The Normal Goes Along Way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation.
00:00:42
Speaker
Welcome to this episode of Faithfilled Parenting. I mean, it's normal goes a long way, but we're doing some Faithfilled Parenting episodes right now.
Challenges in Children's Tech Use and Faith
00:00:52
Speaker
And I am back with handling. I'm Jill Devine. We are going to do Faithfilled Parenting, how to talk to your kid about using technology. And so when you think about I'm really interested in what both you and Laura have to say because Laura's
00:01:10
Speaker
She has the teenagers and you hear all kinds of things about the teenagers and their cell phones. But at first I thought, how do we talk about this with the elementary age? And I know that beyond technology with just iPads and TV, there's something there. But I have no freaking clue, Hannah.
00:01:37
Speaker
I'm like, how are we going to talk about faith-filled parenting and technology?
Teaching Values with Tech Usage
00:01:44
Speaker
So the floor is yours. Oh, golly. Thank you. Thank you. Well, yeah, technology is integrated in everything that we do in 2022.
00:01:53
Speaker
I mean, some parents are blown away that their preschooler can turn on the iPad and get to the show that they want or FaceTime their grandma. Yep. Right. And they're your preschooler is probably a long way away from having their own social media account. But every day they are interacting with technology. Yes. Well, because even now in the schools. Sure. I mean, they get their own Chromebook in school. Right. Yes.
00:02:14
Speaker
My son is only one and a half and we really like to play music during meal times or especially if I'm a lot of times in the morning I'll be packing his lunch bag while he's sitting in his high chair and eating breakfast and I always ask Alexa to play music.
00:02:30
Speaker
And when he wants music, he'll turn his head towards where he knows the Alexa is sitting and go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That is amazing. Because he doesn't have the words, but yet he knows if I turn my head in this direction and I point over here and I say some words, music starts playing, which is just so funny to me. That's so precious.
00:02:51
Speaker
I think it's precious. It is pretty cute. And he's already to the point where if I turn on the camera to take a selfie of us, he'll look and smile. And again, he's only a year and a half, but he loves to FaceTime grandma. So it's everywhere. We got to talk about it, right? We do. It's everywhere. And when we set up this series of episodes you talked about, we don't really want to over-spiritualize things, right? It's not like Jesus made a commandment about how much screen time your three-year-old is supposed to have.
00:03:19
Speaker
going back to cheesy or force. Exactly. However, I do think that when we think about technology, we come into some value conversations. You start thinking about the values that you want to have in your home.
00:03:34
Speaker
the values that you want to instill in your children. I like to say, and actually our pastor Chuck just said recently in one of his sermons that you're not parenting children, you're parenting future adults, right? And so when you think about what I want my child to be like when they're older, technology has to be one of those things, right? How do I want them to interact with technology as they get older? You're really giving positive exposure. You're helping them learn boundaries.
00:04:04
Speaker
But also because our faith informs our lives, it should inform how we have responsibility when it comes to interacting with technology, I think.
Faith as a Guide for Healthy Tech Practices
00:04:15
Speaker
Okay, so then how do you put that into practice as a Christian parent? Yes, that's confusing to me. Yeah, so I do a lot of Instagram searching when I'm looking for specific answers to things, I'll be honest. I recently was searching about screen time and my one-year-old and if it's bad that I give him an iPad in the car, because Jill, I gotta tell you,
00:04:40
Speaker
He hates the car seat. He hates the car. And my dude screams every time we're in the car. And so I was like, am I terrible parent if I give him an iPad to watch a song video? You didn't need to go to Instagram. You could have came to me. Jill, I have to be honest, before I became a parent, I was super judgy. Oh, well, yes. I was super judgy about parents who gave their toddlers iPads. But here's the thing. If I use the tools and just not be used by them, I think it's a blessing.
00:05:08
Speaker
And you can remember that there's a lot of good that comes from technology. So when it comes to just making sure your values align with your practices, if I know that I want my older child to
00:05:26
Speaker
use technology responsibly and to listen to their parents and to be safe online, that I can start putting some boundaries around it as a young child. I can start using language that expresses our values as a family around things like technology. So that would involve the things you watch and listen to, that would involve
00:05:49
Speaker
taking good care of your body because God made your body and wants you to take good care of it. So maybe that's limiting screen time for that reason, right? So I love to kind of frame things around value statements that you have for your children and for your family.
Instilling Respect and Responsibility in Tech Use
00:06:05
Speaker
And that might be different family to family. Um,
00:06:07
Speaker
we don't need to over spiritualize it but our faith doesn't form the way that we interact with others the way we see ourselves the way that we you know listen to our parents and obey and that kind of thing so i really think that this makes sense to talk about from a faith lens would you just say something like
00:06:26
Speaker
if you are looking at the values or whatever, and this might be a better question for Laura, but along the same lines of, if something doesn't make you feel good, don't look at it.
00:06:42
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. That is kind of a specific use of technology with, you know, either googling something or searching something or an image popping up that they shouldn't see. Right. But I'm also thinking about technology as far as looking at pictures or taking video or like
00:07:01
Speaker
using Alexa, right? Technology is also screen time and it's learning how to take care of your iPad, right? You need to be handling it with care. So technology, yeah, I think it's a lot more than just like, you know, I caught my eight-year-old on a website he shouldn't be on. That's a part of that conversation for sure. But does that make sense? Yeah, it's also respect. Yes, absolutely. I did not even think about that. Yeah.
00:07:28
Speaker
buy the protection plan, people, because Play-Doh gets everywhere. So if you've got an iPad with Play-Doh on the phone, Jack, I feel your pain. OK. Yeah. All right. Well, what else would you add for parents that are in this situation? I mean, I'm kind of like mind blown that I didn't even think that how you treat your technology is just as important as how you use your technology. Sure. Yeah. Or how you talk about it in your
00:07:56
Speaker
In your household okay or how you show your children that you're using technology. We totally want to lead by example. Yes So I've got a few resources that I definitely want to share with people you do So I have this great timeline. It's called the technological responsibility timeline and it's from a group called orange and they do a lot of parent resources, so it's great because
00:08:21
Speaker
It is a timeline. It goes from preschool all the way up through high school, if you can imagine a timeline. And in the preschool years, it just encourages you to enjoy the advantages of technology. But it says things like, take pictures, use the tools, but don't be used by them. Play online games together.
00:08:39
Speaker
have screen free zones or screen free time at home. So that's just kind of setting up boundaries. Maybe we use screens when we're in the car or we use screens for an hour after dinner. Kind of whatever it is you're doing in the preschool phase is just setting up
00:08:56
Speaker
some ground rules as your kids get older and have more interaction with it. Does that make sense? It does. Yeah. I really, okay. Yes. Yeah. And then as I get a little older and might have a gaming account or something, your elementary student could understand things like don't ever post your home address online.
00:09:17
Speaker
So that is kind of a safety concern that has to do with technology, but that also speaks to, well, first you have to listen to your parents. God says to listen to your parents, I'm trying to keep you safe, right? But also we want to be private and we need to be safe and we need to protect our family.
00:09:37
Speaker
But then also we don't want to villainize it right you can make technology social you could play a video game together you could. You know play online games together all these kinds of you can watch music videos together. You can make sure your children having a positive experience with it as well so you're not villainizing it because like we said earlier technologies everywhere there for sure going to be using it.
Role of Zencastr in Podcasting
00:09:58
Speaker
Before we continue this week's conversation, I'd actually like to talk to you about how I'm able to even have this conversation with you. And the reason I can is because of Zincaster. Let me first explain, when I first started podcasting on my own at home, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know if I should interview people through the phone, through my computer, how do I do any of this?
00:10:27
Speaker
and it was actually a fellow podcaster that told me about Zincaster. Well, when I started my podcast at home, it was right before the pandemic hit and Zincaster was offering this awesome platform where you could record virtually and they offered a free version and I jumped on it and I have been using Zincaster ever since.
00:10:50
Speaker
I have since upgraded to the professional option, which allows me to do my podcasting in an easier way. So what I mean by that is I'm able to take the episode that I'm recording, and when it gets produced, I'm able to get the transcript, which equals show notes, which equals me not having to go back through, type out a bunch of stuff,
00:11:18
Speaker
to talk about what is on the particular episode that I'm recording. And here's the great thing about Zincaster.
00:11:27
Speaker
you are able to try it for free. And again, I started out with the hobbyist account, which is the free version. So just know that there are options for you. But if you would like to try out the professional account, which is what I'm doing right now, here's what you should do. Go to zincaster.com slash pricing and use my code NORMAL goes a long way.
00:11:49
Speaker
You'll get 30% off your first three months of Zincaster Professional. I want you to have the same easy experiences that I do for all my podcasting and content needs.
Fostering Positive Tech Use through Faith
00:11:59
Speaker
It's time to share your story. And speaking of stories, let's get back to this week's conversation.
00:12:05
Speaker
Again, tool for my toolbox because I don't always think about these things. I'm automatically going to technology as evil, too much time, this, that. But if we embrace the fact that or recognize that it is around us all the time, here's how we make that work.
00:12:29
Speaker
I don't know why, I just didn't think about it that way. I just didn't. Well, and you can use technology to also talk about other important things like you could say the phrase to your children once they start interacting with other people online. We show respect to people online just as much as we so respect them in person. So that really talks about like
00:12:49
Speaker
That's huge. Online bullying, right? Yes. And so that's reminding your children that if a basic value of my family is that we love others the way Jesus loves us, then that applies in person and online, right?
00:13:02
Speaker
Yes. So that's how it kind of connects the faith lens. And you're not just making a hard rule, but you're helping the children understand. If you love people the way that Jesus loves you, that means you're respecting them. That means you're kind to them. That means you're forgiving them. Is that the same when you're posting comments online? Yes. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
00:13:22
Speaker
Okay, I'm getting it. I'm starting to get it a little bit. Right, right. So I have another resource. This is called a parent conversation guide. Okay. And so it's very simple. It's graphic. You can see it here. It's easy to look at. It's easy to navigate. I've got a technology parent conversation guide for preschoolers, for elementary kids, for middle schoolers, and for high schoolers that I would love to share.
00:13:47
Speaker
So one thing on the elementary technology guide is you can say things like this, never use Google alone to your elementary kid. Okay. Never use Google alone. Or you could say things like, I don't know, but we can look that up together. So that's taking the value of wanting to keep them safe and kind of keeping, um, you know, a general rule in front of your child because you want to protect them.
00:14:12
Speaker
and then making age appropriate. When it comes to technology. I love that. Yeah. Let's see. There's also the privacy thing we talked about, never post your phone number or address online. But also, I don't know about you, but already I feel like I'm behind on understanding technology stuff, which is weird because I'm 31 and so for the longest time I was like the youngest in the group and I always knew all the things. Oh, just wait. Just wait. Oh my gosh. It's embarrassing already.
00:14:41
Speaker
a great way to bond with your like tween, your fifth grader or something is saying, can you figure out how to help me do this? Even if they roll their eyes. Yes,
Prioritizing In-Person Interactions
00:14:50
Speaker
because they love knowing more than you, right? I just say on Sunday mornings, sometimes we have technological glitches in our, you know, Sunday morning experience. I grab a fifth grader and I'm like, dude, why does this sound not work? And like nine times out of 10, they can figure it out for me. Miss Hannah, this plug isn't into the right thing. Like,
00:15:07
Speaker
Right. And so that's also a conversation about like helping others, right? Tell me more how that works. That's amazing. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love that. So technology isn't just for entertainment. It's a tool for learning. And we can look at our use of technology with a faith lens without making it too cringy. Yeah, I like that. This is one of those
00:15:32
Speaker
topics that we talked about in the episode that we prepared people, prepared parents about.
00:15:40
Speaker
that sometimes the faith conversation, the faith aspect of it, it's a little, but it does come up. It's about how you treat others. It's about how you treat yourself. All right, so we will have those resources linked on the show notes at normalgoesalongway.com. And I have a feeling that maybe Laura's got some different things to add.
00:16:05
Speaker
That might be a little more complicated once your kid is sent to Snapchat. Yes, when you're in the secondary age group. So let's get into that. Well, let's remember our perspective here. Okay. We are parenting for the long game. Our goal is to develop healthy, wholehearted adults, right? Who see the world through a faith lens.
00:16:31
Speaker
What that means is that we have to mentor our kids. We cannot keep them away from technology. They have a laptop as early as second grade that they're doing all their homework on. They don't have some textbooks anymore, even at that age. And by the time they're in middle school and high school, for sure, everything they do school-wise is
00:16:58
Speaker
technological. Yes. It's all in a cloud. It's all online. It's everywhere. That is, that is how they grew up. Okay. So we can't shelter them from technology because they need to know how to use it. And we want them to learn how to use it in a healthy way. Okay. So the very first thing I would say is that we as parents,
00:17:24
Speaker
need to be healthy role models. So the first thing is to ask yourself, how do I use technology in my life? And that comes down to thinking about things like, how often am I on my phone? Am I giving a good example to my kids about phone-free time?
00:17:48
Speaker
One thing that we did for a time, we're not doing it currently, but we would have phone-free days where we would all put our phone in a be still box. And it was usually on a weekend, kind of around that Sabbath idea. But the idea was that we can engage as a family and we can have fun and we can do lots of things without our phones. And a regular reminder of that and a regular break is good for everybody, parents and kids included.
00:18:18
Speaker
from the beginning thinking about how often am I on my phone and what do I do I look at my phone as a tool that I can use to make my life better or do I look at my phone as a way to escape my life and kind of my my default entertainment. Yes. Right. Yes. Because we want our phones to be useful but we need to let them know their place.
00:18:48
Speaker
Yes. In our life.
Modeling Healthy Tech Habits
00:18:50
Speaker
Because I'm in that weird spot right now where I only want to use it for to get the tasks done. Like social media and I have a really love hate relationship and I, you know, I know it's to some people this sounds crazy and I don't think it is, but I will go days without looking at Instagram or Facebook or Twitter.
00:19:19
Speaker
because I know that it can be unhealthy. Yes. And so sometimes it goes, I know this isn't about me. I'm just saying. No, but it is because as the parent, what your kids are seeing you do with your technology is what they normalize in their head. Yeah. And I just can't, yes. So it does bug me when somebody will be like,
00:19:44
Speaker
Well, why didn't you comment? Why didn't you like this? This isn't my life. Right. And that's important. So one of the principles I would share is to prioritize in-person communication and in-person gathering over virtual. Prioritize that in your own life and help your kids prioritize that too.
00:20:11
Speaker
You know, our kids, they are constantly chatting with their friends on Snapchat or via text or their FaceTiming, which is great. That's a way for them to stay in touch with their friends, but saying, hey, it's been a while since you've had your friends over to the house and encouraging that over the technology.
00:20:36
Speaker
So it's great for them to know how to use technology. But in our family, we're going to prioritize getting together in person. One of my best friends had told me that recently with her teenage daughter, she said it's so different than when
00:20:53
Speaker
Obviously we were teenagers because there wasn't the technology there wasn't the digital use and she said but you have to question when they say that this person is their best friend but they're only
Impact of Technology on the Brain
00:21:06
Speaker
chatting online like how authentic is that relationship let's start inviting them over same thing so that we can get to know one another and she goes and also so that you.
00:21:17
Speaker
And I'm paraphrasing, not that you're wasting your time with this person, but when you do, it's kind of like when you're dating, you start to figure out your likes and your dislikes. And all right, this isn't for me. I'm going to just step over here for a little bit. But you don't really get that online. You get it in person. Right. And you have to encourage that and foster that. So let's think about what happens when we and our kids are interacting with our phones. First of all,
00:21:47
Speaker
when you get a like on a comment or a text comes in or you see a reply to an email, what happens to you physically is actually chemical, a release of dopamine in your system, one of the happy hormones. And that is why people are so
00:22:07
Speaker
addicted to looking at social media is because of the chemical reaction that happens in your body. Like it is like getting a hit of, you know, it's like a little high that happens. And when you don't,
00:22:23
Speaker
get a like or a response, it has the opposite effect. Like you experience a loss of some of those happy hormones. So that's important to teach your kids is that you're actually experiencing, you know, positive or negative chemical reactions in your body with this device. And so it's so important to be careful with it. And I think to teach
00:22:50
Speaker
your kids how to have boundaries, but then give them freedom within those boundaries.
Balancing Freedom and Boundaries in Tech Use
00:22:57
Speaker
Because remember, we're playing the long game here. If we don't give our kids access to the social media platforms, and of course this is all an individual choice when you do, but if you keep it from them too long, you're losing the time that you have influence over showing them how to use it healthy.
00:23:17
Speaker
Yeah. So you think about, you know, when kids go off to college and all of a sudden they have freedom to drink and they kind of go crazy. Well, same thing with technology. If you have withheld it and not taught them how to be responsible with it, then that potential still lies there for them to abuse it because they never learned. So the philosophy that Justin and I used was to set parameters. You are never to communicate with someone that you don't know personally.
00:23:47
Speaker
online, you never to accept or respond to DMS, direct messages from somebody that you don't know. And if you have, and we give them freedom within that, if you stay in these boundaries, you have freedom.
Trust and Rules in Social Media
00:24:06
Speaker
We do not check their phones. We could.
00:24:10
Speaker
but I have never read my kids' texts. I have never, I follow them on Instagram and stuff like that, but I'm not on Snapchat. Now they've been very responsible and they have followed the rules and we haven't had an issue to this point. They know the minute we do that they will lose privileges. So we were very clear on the outset
00:24:37
Speaker
These are your guardrails. You have to operate within these guardrails and you have freedom within those guardrails because we trust you until you prove that we can't, right? Now that's what we did. Some people I know are big proponents of checking their kids' text messages and for me personally,
00:25:00
Speaker
When I was a teenager, I was talking on the phone all the time and I would have been mortified if my parents listened in on some, you know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know. I just feel like I could trust them and we haven't not had to yet.
Respect for Privacy in Online Content
00:25:17
Speaker
Right. But the minute something happened, there would be an immediate consequence. And Audrey will talk about that. She jokes about it. She's like, yeah, I'm not going to do these things because I know exactly what the consequence will be. So being a role model. OK, so here's something important. Asking permission before you post pictures of your kids on your social media, even when they're young. Oh.
00:25:45
Speaker
This, I think, is so important. I always ask my girls, I show them the picture, and I say, do I have your permission to post this picture? Because it's their image. It's gonna live on social media, and they have every right to say, and they have, to say, no, I don't like that picture. Please don't post it. And I adhere to that. Okay, so I can do that with my five and my three-year-old. Absolutely.
00:26:15
Speaker
Absolutely. Because the role model then is that you're showing them that you respect them and that you're not sharing their business with the world. I see so many parents doing this where they'll share on Facebook, oh, my daughter's having an issue with this friend. And it's like, ah.
00:26:38
Speaker
I just want to say, what example are you giving your kids that you're putting out conflict on social media? Do you really want your daughter to find out that this friend knows about this thing because her mom read about it? And that will happen. That will happen. So it's like if we teach our kids that we need to ask them permission to share, then it helps them understand, oh, if I'm going to post something about someone else,
00:27:08
Speaker
I very well have better get their approval before I do that. Absolutely. Yeah. Super important. And then another guideline we have is, if this is not something you would want grandma to know about or see, don't post it. I will add one thing that I overheard someone talking about one time with her teenage daughter. And she said it was the, okay, someone
00:27:37
Speaker
had taken a picture of someone, not a good thing that was happening, and put it on social media. And what her teachable moment was for her daughter was, you looked at this, which now makes you responsible for this. And you now have a responsibility to let whomever know.
Digital Presence and Future Opportunities
00:28:06
Speaker
That's the other thing. And that you, when you're viewing these things too, it's on you as well. And that was something I didn't even, you know, think about. It's like, well, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm putting myself in the teenager's shoes. Like, I'm not doing anything wrong. Well, by you participating and looking. By association. Yes. Yes. And that I,
00:28:32
Speaker
that hit me too. One thing I will tell you is that these kids, these teenagers, they feel so much pressure in their lives already and the added pressure of
00:28:44
Speaker
somebody may be talking about them online or somebody posting a picture because they can take pictures all day long at school and post a picture of anybody. Like they could do that. And that is a fear in their mind. Like I don't ever want to do anything stupid because at any point in time someone could snap a picture of me and share it. So as a parent, by you relieving the pressure of, oh, at least I know mom and dad aren't going to take a picture of me when I just got out of bed.
00:29:11
Speaker
Right. And laugh about it and post it online. That's one level of pressure that you can take away from them. And hopefully then, like my girls, the oldest has an agreement with her friends. The same thing. They're not allowed to post a picture of the friends unless they've approved it. So I think that is a bad idea. Yes. And just something to get in the habit of because future employers are going to
00:29:41
Speaker
do searches for you on Google. You better believe that's the first thing they do before they even set up an interview. And so you've got, you know, like it lasts.
Preview of Next Episode
00:29:50
Speaker
Everything you put out there stays out there. All right. Speaking of technology, I think it could probably go into our next topic. We are going to tackle the topic of sex.
00:30:02
Speaker
And I know that sounds a little funny when it comes to the elementary kiddos, but there is an appropriate way that you talk about sex with that age. And obviously with the secondary age too, but Laura, I think the approach will be a little bit more about sexual integrity. So that's what will be the next big topic when we talk about faith-filled parenting.
00:30:28
Speaker
We never want to make a child feel shameful about their body. So if we're shushing them or not using the right words or not letting them talk about it, it's saying that maybe something's wrong or bad with their body. But that's not what God intended. That's not the way God made it. It doesn't have to be a taboo subject. Right. And so yes, the way you respond in those early years,
00:30:51
Speaker
to the questions about private parts, how are babies made, you know, all of those things matters.