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Life, Success, Marriage and Love
159 Plays6 years ago
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Transcript
Promotional Segments
00:00:00
Speaker
The following program is brought to you by your friends at Podcast One.
00:00:03
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Don't forget to download our new Podcast One app.
00:00:08
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Hey, listeners, this college football season, remember that a little exaggeration makes every story more interesante.
00:00:16
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Like Dos Equis, the only beer that fills every college football.
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The only beer to have its number retired.
00:00:21
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The taste that led former president Ben Franklin to tear down a goalpost.
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And the inspiration behind Steve Spurrier's nickname, the head beer coach.
00:00:29
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But most importantly, remember to keep it interesante.
00:00:32
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This college football season with Dos Equis, the official beer sponsor of the college football playoff.
Introduction to 'Bigger Talks'
00:00:39
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Podcast One presents Bigger Talks with Eric Bigger, the show that brings together unexpected guests for unexpected conversations.
00:00:48
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Join The Bachelorette's Eric Bigger as he discusses the subcultures of American life, highlighting the strength of diversity and the power of vulnerability.
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And now for your host, Eric Bigger.
Exploring Success and Failure
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Bigger Talks, Bigger Talks, we're back.
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Another episode.
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Feeling good, feeling great.
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How's everybody out there?
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I can't hear you.
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Oh, that's right.
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You're listening.
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I'm sorry.
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I'm sorry.
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But, hey, we have a new topic of the week, the dichotomy of success and failure.
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I have failed a lot in life.
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Honestly, from personal training to putting on boot camps and people not showing up.
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I didn't fail too much in school.
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I got one C my whole college career.
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So I'm pretty a cool nerd.
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Right.
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But I always say if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you.
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And episode today, we will talk about the setbacks on the challenges and the breakthroughs and the successes of failing.
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Liv, Michael, what have you guys been through?
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What challenged you?
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What have you failed that propelled you to be great or who you are today?
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Do you want me to go first?
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Yeah, lady first.
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Lady first.
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Let's
Personal Growth from Relationship Failures
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go live.
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So we've been talking about this.
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For every failure, there's a success.
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For every success, there's a failure.
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Since a lot of what we talk about is relationships and love, where I think about my most distinct failures, I was a really good student.
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I'm early in my career and it's going well.
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I haven't had many setbacks in that, but I've had setbacks in relationships.
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And it's easy to think a failed relationship reflects on you.
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So I think failures for me have been not just going through a breakup, but kind of crumbling under that.
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When you have a moment where you feel like you've lost everything because you went through a breakup.
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To me, that feeling is more of the failure than the failed relationship.
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I pride myself on being independent.
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And then you have that moment where you're like, oh my gosh, that person's gone and I'm not independent and I'm sad and I feel horrible.
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And that to me is more of the failure.
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But I've had to learn that that is human and it's okay to be not okay.
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So I guess that's my.
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And it's OK not to be OK, because not being OK is how you become OK.
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Yes.
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You know, Mike?
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Yeah.
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I mean, I think I failed at receiving for so long.
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And I have you guys here with me giving me feedback, giving me advice, giving me support.
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That's making me a better person.
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So thank you.
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I'm learning how to receive now because I failed before.
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So people, it's OK to have failures so you can get your success.
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Mike, what about you?
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I kind of side with you, Eric.
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I think I've given my whole life in a sense of, I think, to be honest, I think I've given more in friendships than I have in relationships.
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I've given, I put a lot of friends before my relationships.
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And when it, when it stuff hits the fan, you realize where you at.
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And I think that it actually comes down to being wins and losses, wins and lessons.
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Yeah.
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Wins and lessons.
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Yeah.
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But the more you give, the better we live.
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I can say a lot.
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But you just have to keep pushing, man.
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That's how you learn from yourself.
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You just got to keep going.
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You got to persevere.
Meet Aunt Renee Myers
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But we have a guest in the studio today.
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I'm so excited and enthused because it's my aunt, Renee Myers.
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I love her so much.
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She's amazing.
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Diversity consultant, public speaker.
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Harvard Law School grad, Columbia.
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She went to Columbia undergrad.
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She's so brilliant, so smart, so outspoken, so driven, so willing.
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And she's in studio today.
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I can't wait to get in this because we're going to talk about some of her challenges in her life as a child and most importantly, in her marriage.
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Wait.
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You can't wait.
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Listen, this is going to be a good one.
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Guys, tune in.
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Tell a friend.
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Bigger Talks.
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We'll be
Educational and Career Journey
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back soon.
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We'll be back in a moment with more of Bigger Talks with Eric Bigger.
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In Southern California, you're in your car a lot.
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Over time, you're going to put some wear on it.
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But new Toyota owners don't really have to think about that because they have ToyotaCare.
00:04:40
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They just stop by the dealership, hand over the keys, and get no-cost factory maintenance, covering normal wear for two years or 25,000 miles, whichever comes first.
00:04:50
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Get all the details on ToyotaCare when you visit buyatoyota.com.
00:04:54
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Your Southern California Toyota dealers make it easy.
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Toyota, let's go places.
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So.
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This week on Make Spidey Famous Again, Spencer and Heidi sit down with Sheena Shea.
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It was a group of us, but he's adorable.
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He's like, it's okay, I like older women.
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And I'm like, honey, I like older men.
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We're not really on the same page here.
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Download new episodes of Make Spidey Famous Again every Wednesday and Shenanigans with Sheena Shea every Tuesday on PodcastOne.com, the Podcast One app, and Apple Podcasts.
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Make sure to rate and review on Apple Podcasts.
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Welcome back to Bigger Talks with Eric Bigger.
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Bigger Talks, Bigger Talks with Bat.
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Oh, my God.
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I'm so happy.
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I'm so enthused, fulfilled with love and gratitude.
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Not only I have, you know, my producer Liv and my co-host Michael, but I have a special guest.
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I have my Aunt Vernee.
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Yeah.
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Auntie, say hi.
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Hi.
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Hi.
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I'm so happy to be here, too.
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Yeah, so for people who don't know, that's my aunt on my father's side.
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That's my father's sister.
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Yes.
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She is the breadwinner of the family.
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I wouldn't go that far.
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Can we not?
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Let's not get mistaken.
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You did go to Columbia.
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Yes, I did.
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Undergrad.
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Barnard, we like to say.
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Barnard.
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Yes.
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And she went to Harvard Grad School.
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Yes.
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Law school.
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Law school.
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I'm sorry.
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See, she's fixing me.
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Marcelle and Barack, you know them, right?
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I do.
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See, you're amazing.
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TED Talk.
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She has a TED Talk.
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I mean, public speaker, you do it all.
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But you're in town.
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You're here.
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Thank you.
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How you feeling?
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I feel awesome.
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I just had a full week of work.
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Started in Oregon and then came to Sacramento.
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Well, actually, we were supposed to go up north, but then ultimately we went to Santa Monica and then I was just at Huntington Beach a few minutes ago until I got here.
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Yeah, so you're just busy.
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I want to have your life.
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Give me five years, maybe ten.
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You have a fabulous life.
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Well, you're traveling the world.
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I wouldn't do that.
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But no, I'm inspired by you.
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Thank you for being in my life much as you are.
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But to the people listening, my aunt was on The Bachelorette Hometowns.
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If you've seen my hometown episode and she asked Rachel Lindsay, how do you feel being the first African-American woman to be in this position?
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Yes.
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And it was like, oh my gosh, she took it there.
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She asked a tough question.
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So...
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Antique, for the people listening who don't know you, can you kind of like give them a background on like on your upbringing, where you from, just your life in general?
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Sure.
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Maybe you'll work backwards because right now I am the owner of a company that I've had for maybe 20 years.
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And the purpose of that company is to create inclusive, fair, diverse workplaces and a fair society.
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So my work is all over the place because it turns out that that's something that people want to do all over the place, which is to say, help us figure out.
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how we create more inclusive and equitable environments.
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And so I started, I got there only because I was a lawyer first.
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So I went to Harvard Law School and I practiced law.
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And somewhere in that
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time period, I started recognizing some of the barriers that people of color in particular were having, women and so forth.
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I also was a mother and started to notice that there was a serious maternal wall bias.
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And so little by little, I started moving into trying to do something about that first as a volunteer.
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And then I was asked to be the executive director of an organization in Boston because I stayed in Boston.
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And then I
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Worked for the Attorney General of Massachusetts as his Deputy Chief of Staff.
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And only recently did I come back home.
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So let's talk about home.
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Let's
Family and Upbringing in Baltimore
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talk about home.
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Because home – The city.
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So I spent 32 years in Boston and then I came home to Baltimore.
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And Baltimore is the place where you and I got our start.
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Yes.
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Foundation.
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So we love –
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Be more.
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Yes, we do.
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Yes, we do with all our hearts.
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And I grew up on Poplar Grove Street.
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Poplar Grove, West Baltimore.
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West Baltimore.
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You better not stay outside after nine.
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Or maybe after eight.
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Ask my pops.
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Dad knows.
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Your little brother.
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My little brother.
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He was one year younger than I was.
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And we played together all the time because I was a tomboy.
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So hold on.
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Did you know that?
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Hold on, hold on, hold on.
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My dad is only one year younger than you?
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He's just one year younger than I am.
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What?
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Guys, fun fact.
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This is history right now.
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Bigger Talks.
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I just found this out today because, you know, Brittany and myself are one year apart.
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Yes.
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Wow.
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Yeah, exactly.
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And I was his...
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Little brother, big brother, big sister because I was an athlete.
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You can play ball.
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Basketball, right?
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I can play basketball.
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And I played in high school and I played in college and I played in law school until I tore my anterior cruciate ligament.
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Which we won't go into.
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However, I grew up with grandma and grandpa, my mother and father, awesome people, worked extremely hard.
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My father was ultimately a firefighter.
00:10:19
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26 years.
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And three other jobs.
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And my mother, which you may not know, I think you may know, went to college, graduated from college, Morgan State University, and was a teacher.
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I didn't know that.
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A first grade teacher and then decided – I don't know if she decided or whether my father decided that she needed to come home and be a full-time mother.
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Oh, OK.
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G-dad.
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Yeah.
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You know, when I think about my mom, I think my mom could be me.
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She could be –
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in this podcast studio with you right now.
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Hey, sugar.
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Having been a lawyer.
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Exactly.
00:10:58
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I miss you so much.
00:10:59
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Those quotes you put up, I love.
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You know she told me she has a trainer now, that she works out twice a week.
00:11:06
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I was like, Grandma, how old are you?
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Grandma's, like, 89?
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87.
00:11:09
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87.
00:11:09
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Yeah.
00:11:09
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Yeah.
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So my mom could have been anything.
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She's sort of like the mayor.
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She has an enormous capacity for people.
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She's extroverted just like I am.
00:11:21
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And she's very smart and she has an enormous amount of emotional intelligence.
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She just happened to be born at the wrong time where I think there was very little opportunity and then you had to have support from your husband.
00:11:37
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And so she stayed home with us for a while, which was lovely.
00:11:41
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But it did mean that she didn't have a true career.
00:11:44
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And then she worked for a church.
00:11:47
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as a secretary, which was fine, but she could have done more.
00:11:53
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And so when I look at what I have achieved, I am very clear that what I have achieved is due to my parents' sacrifice and commitment.
00:12:04
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And it's the thing that fuels me to continue to do well.
00:12:07
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Um, which is to like make good, make good on the investment.
00:12:12
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Yes.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:12
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You know how to invest in your life.
00:12:14
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I mean, what was your life growing up in, I mean, you had grandma and granddad, but what was your life like growing up in Baltimore, like in high school before you went to college?
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Did you face a lot of challenges?
00:12:24
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Were there a lot of, you know, setbacks?
00:12:26
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What did you go through?
00:12:27
Speaker
Well, you know, I said my mom was born in the wrong time.
00:12:30
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I feel like I was born in the right time.
00:12:32
Speaker
And it's actually really interesting.
00:12:33
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Did you know that this is the 50th year of Martin Luther King's death on April 4th this year?
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Speaker
It'll be the 50th year.
00:12:42
Speaker
You got anything planned for that?
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Speaker
I'm really thinking about what I want to do.
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And I just want to encourage everybody to do something to mark that sacrifice, because this man was assassinated for his views.
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And I was eight years old at the time.
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And I remember...
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for the first time seeing my father cry.
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And it was the day before my birthday.
00:13:06
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Right.
00:13:06
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So, you know, little kids, you're this, it's like all about me.
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It's all about my birthday.
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And everybody was like down.
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And I knew of King obviously because of school and because of what was going on in the TV, but it was his death that really cemented, cemented, I think my identity as somebody who wanted to create equality and fairness and, you know,
00:13:28
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I say it was the right time because it was also a time where this country got scared.
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And so it started saying, what do we need to do for the black people?
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Because it was also that we had a riot or whatever we call it now, uprising or unrest.
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And I remember my dad putting a black...
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a handkerchief on the antenna of our car because that was to show that you were sympathetic with the people who were, you know, deciding, like really getting out there and protesting.
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But as a result, all sorts of doors opened.
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So I got to go to these interesting like math classes on Saturday.
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We got pools put in the backyards of, I mean, the back floors.
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fields of our schools.
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They opened up the district so you could go to any school you wanted to.
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You didn't have to just go into your neighborhood.
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And so as a result, I got to go to something called Roland Park.
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Roland Park.
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Junior High.
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That's a good school.
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You went to Roland Park.
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You were smart.
00:14:34
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I went to Mount Rush.
00:14:34
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That's out to the Eagles.
00:14:35
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Okay.
00:14:36
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But Roland Park was a good school.
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Let's just be clear.
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Okay.
00:14:39
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If you got to go to Roland Park, it's because you either lived near Roland Park or somebody knew that Roland Park was a great school to go to.
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It wasn't about being smart because it was a public school.
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It was like who couldn't get there?
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And so I got there.
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I took three buses.
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Jesus.
00:14:58
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You know how there's a saying that grass is always greener on the other side?
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It is actually
00:15:03
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greener.
00:15:04
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Well, I'm not even going to lie.
00:15:06
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How did you get to that part?
00:15:07
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Actually greener.
00:15:09
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Like I would get on the bus in my neighborhood and cross town.
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I mean, cross town.
00:15:15
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Like, you know, it took me like maybe 45 minutes to an hour and we would go in that place, Roland Park, Guilford, and then ultimately to Roland Park.
00:15:23
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And I'm just like, what is all this green?
00:15:26
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It's funny because that's like where grandma stays now.
00:15:28
Speaker
You got Park Heights, right?
00:15:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:30
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And it's the Elameda, the intersection.
00:15:32
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Oh, okay.
00:15:34
Speaker
So that was the east side.
00:15:35
Speaker
But Roland Park is more like – Well, I'm just saying the difference.
00:15:39
Speaker
Yes, the difference is huge.
00:15:40
Speaker
There's one street in – is it Northern Parkway, I think?
00:15:43
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Yes, Northern Parkway.
00:15:43
Speaker
In West Baltimore where before that street, it's the inner city, the hood, the struggle.
00:15:49
Speaker
Then just on the other side of that street, they call it Jewtown.
00:15:53
Speaker
It's very clean and classy and nice.
00:15:56
Speaker
Yes.
00:15:56
Speaker
It's a big difference.
00:15:57
Speaker
It's crazy.
00:15:58
Speaker
Yes.
00:15:58
Speaker
It's huge.
00:15:59
Speaker
And it's bizarre because there's a whole Orthodox Jewish population there.
00:16:05
Speaker
And they have not left the city, which I think is really extraordinary.
00:16:09
Speaker
But they have also created.
00:16:11
Speaker
This place and neighborhoods where it's a completely different experience.
00:16:16
Speaker
And this is true about Baltimore.
00:16:17
Speaker
This is true about a lot of cities where there are certain areas that are just pristine and beautiful and it's got great schools.
00:16:23
Speaker
And then, you know, take a bus around the corner down the street and it's a whole nother environment.
00:16:30
Speaker
So.
00:16:31
Speaker
I got to go to Roland Park, and once you get to go to certain schools, you get to find out about other schools.
00:16:36
Speaker
So someone says, hey, well, you know, are you going to go to Western?
00:16:39
Speaker
And I'm like, what is that?
00:16:40
Speaker
And they're like, well, you can go there as a ninth grader if you take a particular test.
00:16:46
Speaker
Wow.
00:16:46
Speaker
So was that the starting point where you knew things were different?
00:16:49
Speaker
Not only for your environment, but for you.
00:16:51
Speaker
Because you did go to these prestige schools.
00:16:53
Speaker
Do I get to ask you that question, too?
00:16:55
Speaker
When did you know things were different?
00:16:57
Speaker
Yeah, you can ask me whatever you want.
00:16:59
Speaker
Spirit talks, baby.
00:17:01
Speaker
Well, I'll tell you, Monty, you tell me yours.
00:17:04
Speaker
It's funny.
00:17:04
Speaker
Your brother.
00:17:07
Speaker
I started going to Roland Park, which meant that my friend base changed, as in it became a little brighter or
Challenging Racial Stereotypes
00:17:14
Speaker
should we say whiter.
00:17:14
Speaker
And so I would have these friends and they were cool and they would invite me to their house.
00:17:20
Speaker
And then I would like I would want to invite them to my house.
00:17:23
Speaker
Right.
00:17:23
Speaker
Yeah.
00:17:24
Speaker
And so at one point I was like, hey, I want to invite my friends.
00:17:28
Speaker
And my brother's like – your father's like, you're a hippie and you're embarrassing us with these white people.
00:17:38
Speaker
And you wear a backpack.
00:17:39
Speaker
And who wears a backpack?
00:17:41
Speaker
And so that's when I noticed I am weird.
00:17:44
Speaker
I'm weird too.
00:17:46
Speaker
You're weird too.
00:17:47
Speaker
Very weird.
00:17:47
Speaker
Tell me how weird you are.
00:17:50
Speaker
I just knew I was different from a young age.
00:17:52
Speaker
Yes.
00:17:52
Speaker
You were.
00:17:53
Speaker
Just so different.
00:17:54
Speaker
And I was so curious.
00:17:55
Speaker
My dad told me I'll never forget it.
00:17:56
Speaker
I probably was 10 years old.
00:17:59
Speaker
We were on 83 going to my grandmother's Sheila House.
00:18:01
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:02
Speaker
And I was like, Dad, what does the word persistent mean?
00:18:05
Speaker
He's like, son, you always been persistent.
00:18:08
Speaker
I didn't know the word.
00:18:08
Speaker
He's like persistent.
00:18:10
Speaker
Right.
00:18:10
Speaker
And I just realized when I wanted something, I just went after it.
00:18:13
Speaker
I didn't think about the consequences or what I had to face.
00:18:17
Speaker
I want something.
00:18:17
Speaker
I'm going to get it.
00:18:18
Speaker
I'm not I'm not even thinking about what's not going to happen.
00:18:21
Speaker
No, I'm going to get that.
00:18:23
Speaker
So I think I told this story in a podcast a while ago.
00:18:26
Speaker
Olivia Michael was here when I was in junior college.
00:18:28
Speaker
It was a Howard Community College.
00:18:30
Speaker
I was playing basketball, partial scholarship.
00:18:32
Speaker
I was taking an accountant exam.
00:18:35
Speaker
And there was a white guy next to me, white kid.
00:18:37
Speaker
And my intuition was like, I looked on his paper, but my intuition was like, don't take his answers.
00:18:43
Speaker
And I'm like, but I don't know the answers to the test.
00:18:47
Speaker
So anyway, I didn't look on his paper.
00:18:50
Speaker
Yes.
00:18:51
Speaker
I took the test.
00:18:52
Speaker
We got it back a week later.
00:18:54
Speaker
He had, if I'm not mistaken, a 64%
00:18:57
Speaker
I had like 82.
00:18:58
Speaker
So in that moment, my perception of who I was, which was more than an athlete, that, you know, black people are smart.
00:19:06
Speaker
Not saying I didn't think I was smart, but in the community, you know, faith comes from hearing.
00:19:09
Speaker
So you hear a lot that, oh, you know, you're whitewashed or you talk this way.
00:19:14
Speaker
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
00:19:16
Speaker
So I didn't conform to the reality of what the environment was saying.
00:19:19
Speaker
Yes.
00:19:20
Speaker
And so it changed my perspective on myself that it really doesn't matter about race or color, but I don't have to
00:19:26
Speaker
I don't have to commit to that stereotype.
00:19:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:29
Speaker
That we're just athletic beings or entertainers.
00:19:32
Speaker
We're educational.
00:19:33
Speaker
We are smart.
00:19:35
Speaker
So that was my turning point.
00:19:36
Speaker
And it was at a predominantly white school, Howard Community College, where I got two AA degrees.
00:19:40
Speaker
And the people loved me there.
00:19:42
Speaker
And I thrived in school.
00:19:43
Speaker
And it was beautiful.
00:19:44
Speaker
Wow.
00:19:45
Speaker
That's an example that I remember when I went to Barnard.
00:19:48
Speaker
For first of all, when you decide to go out of Baltimore, there's a whole like, where are you going?
00:19:53
Speaker
Why are you leaving?
00:19:54
Speaker
And I understand that sometimes when you're in a community that you're a bright star in the community, they're kind of like, don't leave us.
00:20:07
Speaker
But for me, I was just like, I got to get out of here.
00:20:11
Speaker
It's too small.
00:20:12
Speaker
And I know it was always something bigger than Baltimore.
00:20:14
Speaker
It's too limited in the way people are thinking.
00:20:16
Speaker
It's too limited.
00:20:17
Speaker
So I went to New York, which was like, oh, the big city.
00:20:22
Speaker
I love New York.
00:20:23
Speaker
I was so excited.
00:20:24
Speaker
Mom was not excited.
00:20:25
Speaker
Really?
00:20:25
Speaker
She was like –
00:20:26
Speaker
It was the time – you don't remember this.
00:20:28
Speaker
Oh, okay.
00:20:28
Speaker
You all are all too young.
00:20:30
Speaker
It was this thing called Kojak and he was like a police officer.
00:20:33
Speaker
He had a bald head and it was – New York was really bad and my mother was like, don't take the subways.
00:20:41
Speaker
I'm like, mom, okay, but I don't know how I'm getting around.
00:20:43
Speaker
And she goes, put your money in your bosom.
00:20:45
Speaker
I'm like, I don't know if that's going to work.
00:20:47
Speaker
But –
00:20:50
Speaker
scary thing she's like i don't want you to go it's too dangerous and my father was all he was worried about is how much does it cost and i decided to go to barnard because i liked the lady who came to my school that's how basic i was i knew so little about how the world worked but i loved this woman who came to represent barnard and i was like oh i want to go to that school and
00:21:14
Speaker
I was ignorant and yet I had good grades.
00:21:17
Speaker
So I think people don't understand the difference between intelligence and exposure.
00:21:22
Speaker
They think that if you don't know certain words or you don't have a certain veneer or you don't talk a certain way, that that's about intelligence.
00:21:31
Speaker
Stop.
00:21:32
Speaker
It's not.
00:21:33
Speaker
There are really brilliant people who have less exposure.
00:21:37
Speaker
So they sometimes miss opportunities.
00:21:40
Speaker
I just got to be in the right place at the right time.
00:21:43
Speaker
And the lady and I said, I like your school.
00:21:45
Speaker
Can I go to your school?
00:21:47
Speaker
And she was like, well, you have to have, let me see your transcript.
00:21:50
Speaker
I'm like, can you show them a transcript?
00:21:52
Speaker
And she was like, I looks good.
00:21:54
Speaker
I'm like, so I can go.
00:21:55
Speaker
She goes, there's a process.
00:21:58
Speaker
I applied to one school.
00:22:00
Speaker
That's it.
00:22:01
Speaker
And I got in.
00:22:02
Speaker
And that woman forever told my parents, she was like, I will take care of her.
00:22:07
Speaker
I will make sure.
00:22:08
Speaker
And my mom was like, how is she going to pay for it?
00:22:10
Speaker
I got every amount of money I needed through work study or loans or Pell Grant except for, and by the way, talking about Pell Grants, right time, right place that they had Pell Grants.
00:22:21
Speaker
And then they were interested in finding the little black girls in the neighborhood, right?
00:22:26
Speaker
And then she was like, oh, I'll get her a job.
00:22:30
Speaker
And I got all the money except for $1,000.
00:22:32
Speaker
And my dad was like, I think we can handle that.
00:22:35
Speaker
Right?
00:22:36
Speaker
So one of the things that I knew about leaving is that I was going to go do some things.
00:22:43
Speaker
So I went for the very first time on a plane.
00:22:47
Speaker
The very first time I was on a plane was like 20 years old.
00:22:50
Speaker
And my very first ride was to Cambridge, England.
00:22:55
Speaker
Wow.
00:22:56
Speaker
Like a long ride for your first ride.
00:22:58
Speaker
So exposure was part of your life.
00:22:59
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely.
00:23:01
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:23:02
Speaker
And I remember people in my neighborhood going, I was working three jobs to get enough money to go on this trip to Cambridge that summer.
00:23:10
Speaker
And people were like, why do you want to go there?
00:23:13
Speaker
Yeah, what made you want to go there of all places?
00:23:16
Speaker
Anywhere, anywhere, right?
00:23:17
Speaker
To see the world.
00:23:19
Speaker
Anywhere, you know?
00:23:20
Speaker
And so you would read like, okay, you'd say, oh, that, go to Cambridge.
00:23:24
Speaker
But see, you've got to go to the places where the advertisements are.
00:23:29
Speaker
You know, you don't even know that those are opportunities.
00:23:30
Speaker
So I was like, oh, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
00:23:32
Speaker
I'm going to go take Tudor music and whatever.
00:23:35
Speaker
Tudor history and classical music.
00:23:37
Speaker
Why not?
00:23:38
Speaker
And then I was a newspaper girl.
00:23:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:41
Speaker
there to make enough money and then I saved all my money and I got a train ticket to Paris because I'm like I'm not coming this close to Paris I'm not going to Paris so I went to Paris for four days with a bottle of water
00:23:55
Speaker
You know what that experience is like.
00:23:56
Speaker
Come on, you go.
00:23:57
Speaker
It can get rough on the financial side of exploration.
00:24:01
Speaker
I took a risk, came to LA seven years ago, $1,000 in my name, new one person.
00:24:05
Speaker
But you know what it is I think we have that's a part of us is our drive and our will.
00:24:10
Speaker
I'm so willing.
00:24:11
Speaker
You put it in front of me, I'm going to get it.
00:24:12
Speaker
I'm so curious.
00:24:14
Speaker
And I think that's what lead us to these podcasts, speaking to people, helping people and graduating from Harvard and being on TV.
00:24:23
Speaker
I think if I guess because we had hope without having a lot of hope around.
00:24:27
Speaker
But I think for me, I didn't even think about hope being positive that this is what I want.
00:24:31
Speaker
This is what I didn't even think about these things.
00:24:33
Speaker
I just knew what I wanted at an early age.
00:24:35
Speaker
I think that's what I was blessed with.
00:24:37
Speaker
You know what I always used to say about you?
00:24:39
Speaker
I used to say two things.
00:24:40
Speaker
One is, this kid is so earnest.
00:24:43
Speaker
Like, what the heck?
00:24:45
Speaker
And then I was like, he's impervious to his surroundings.
00:24:49
Speaker
Which is to say that no matter what was happening around you, you were still like...
00:24:56
Speaker
And like you had so much light and you had so much drive.
00:24:59
Speaker
And I still don't know what is nurture and what is nature.
Personal Journey After Marriage Revelation
00:25:05
Speaker
Like what do we get born with versus what about the opportunities?
00:25:09
Speaker
You know, we're – Baltimore is famous for The Wire and a lot of people don't like talking about The Wire show with Baltimore.
00:25:17
Speaker
But to me, that show was all about is it nurture or is it nature?
00:25:22
Speaker
And how would you be if you were in this situation?
00:25:27
Speaker
And it doesn't matter if you're in the hood, if you're in city hall, if you're on the docks or in school.
00:25:36
Speaker
What is the formula for how some people seem to survive and thrive and other people don't and go to jail?
00:25:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:46
Speaker
And all sorts of other things.
00:25:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:47
Speaker
And I think, I mean, for you, you were outlet for me just to have a voice outside of the city that I couldn't have a conversation with my dad or my mom.
00:25:55
Speaker
It wasn't.
00:25:56
Speaker
And I felt like you was the parent I needed emotionally at times.
00:26:00
Speaker
I remember like yesterday, um,
00:26:02
Speaker
When I was 25, that was a tough, tough year in my life.
00:26:06
Speaker
Like I was struggling a lot in LA.
00:26:07
Speaker
I don't know if you remember the dinner.
00:26:08
Speaker
We went somewhere in Century City, maybe Houston.
00:26:13
Speaker
We went somewhere.
00:26:13
Speaker
We had a great food.
00:26:14
Speaker
You paid.
00:26:14
Speaker
I was so happy.
00:26:15
Speaker
I didn't have no money.
00:26:17
Speaker
And I talked about, because, you know, if you don't know, the topic of this podcast is for today for us.
00:26:22
Speaker
It's the dichotomy of failure and success.
00:26:25
Speaker
And I asked you about, you know,
00:26:28
Speaker
You went to school, you graduated, you had a child, you was married, but then your marriage didn't go through.
00:26:33
Speaker
And I asked you, I was like, auntie, how do you deal with challenges?
00:26:35
Speaker
Like, how do you, then you started going in.
00:26:37
Speaker
He's like, well, me and Mike, you know, at the time, your husband went bankrupt at one time.
00:26:42
Speaker
And she said, nephew, in life, people make their biggest problem their biggest priority.
00:26:49
Speaker
Right.
00:26:50
Speaker
And I was like, wow, that sounds really smart.
00:26:53
Speaker
I don't remember that.
00:26:54
Speaker
And she and you was like, it's like, I just keep going.
00:26:57
Speaker
I just keep going.
00:26:58
Speaker
I don't look at it.
00:26:59
Speaker
I just move forward.
00:27:00
Speaker
And I was just like, and it like shifted something.
00:27:03
Speaker
I mean, I was I don't even think I had a job at the time.
00:27:05
Speaker
I was looking for work.
00:27:07
Speaker
It was a tough year.
00:27:08
Speaker
And I was like, wow.
00:27:09
Speaker
She was like, nephew, you're going to be all right.
00:27:10
Speaker
You can be OK.
00:27:11
Speaker
Trust me.
00:27:12
Speaker
And I'm like, damn, what?
00:27:13
Speaker
And me in my mind, so ignorant to life.
00:27:16
Speaker
I'm positive.
00:27:17
Speaker
I'm nice.
00:27:18
Speaker
I did good in school.
00:27:19
Speaker
I'm like, what is happening to me?
00:27:20
Speaker
Why am I struggling?
00:27:21
Speaker
And you came right in the moment where I needed it.
00:27:24
Speaker
And so I want to ask you the question, like, how did you deal with those challenges of being in that committed relationship for so long?
00:27:30
Speaker
And then it happened.
00:27:31
Speaker
And then you had to find life again.
00:27:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:34
Speaker
Well, what's really interesting always, I don't know if I knew it then as well as I know it now, but it's all about you and your presence and your self-awareness.
00:27:47
Speaker
Now, if you have a partner, that's awesome.
00:27:50
Speaker
But that's supposed to be just an additional aspect of you.
00:27:54
Speaker
It's not supposed to be you.
00:27:56
Speaker
And a lot of people make their partnership everything.
00:28:00
Speaker
But, you know, if you're in a partnership, there's at least three entities.
00:28:03
Speaker
There's you, there's the partner, and then there's the partnership, right?
00:28:08
Speaker
These are three different entities, and each one of them needs attention.
00:28:14
Speaker
And I think that we try to – if we – if you –
00:28:19
Speaker
Make somebody else your life.
00:28:22
Speaker
Right.
00:28:22
Speaker
You're giving up way too much control.
00:28:25
Speaker
Right.
00:28:25
Speaker
Can you say that again?
00:28:26
Speaker
If you make somebody else your life, you're giving up way too much because that's not their job.
00:28:36
Speaker
It's not their job to make sure that your life is right.
00:28:41
Speaker
That's your job.
00:28:42
Speaker
I mean, first of all, they just don't possibly know you as well as you could know yourself.
00:28:47
Speaker
So having said that, I absolutely loved, loved, loved my husband.
00:28:52
Speaker
And I loved our marriage.
00:28:55
Speaker
I loved our family.
00:28:56
Speaker
I thought, we're having a good time.
00:28:59
Speaker
Now, I also knew that we were having a really good time.
00:29:02
Speaker
I'm like, it was probably just a matter of time before there's a bump.
00:29:06
Speaker
Right, because who's going to live a life in which there are no bumps, right?
00:29:10
Speaker
You don't need to anticipate it, but you don't need to think that somehow you're going to be the one group that does not have a life bump.
00:29:18
Speaker
So when my husband came to me, like after 22 years or 23 years, and he was like, I need to talk to you.
00:29:23
Speaker
And I was like, okay, fine.
00:29:24
Speaker
And so Tony goes, I'm gay.
00:29:26
Speaker
I'm like, I don't even want to tell you that I am not lying.
00:29:30
Speaker
The first word out of my mouth was bummer.
00:29:35
Speaker
I'm just like, bummer.
00:29:37
Speaker
Because you're like, you're thinking to yourself, whoa, here's a life change.
00:29:40
Speaker
I'm just getting ready to swing.
00:29:42
Speaker
Like, some things happen to you, and you're like, whatever.
00:29:45
Speaker
Other things are happening, like, right in the moment.
00:29:48
Speaker
You're like, oh, we getting ready to swing.
00:29:51
Speaker
Like, this is, this is, life is just getting ready to do a thing right now.
00:29:55
Speaker
A thing right now.
00:29:56
Speaker
And so you're kind of like, hold on, it's about to get bumpy.
00:29:59
Speaker
And I just was sort of like, what?
00:30:03
Speaker
And he was like, yeah, I've been trying to talk to you and I need to talk to you about it.
00:30:07
Speaker
I don't know what I want to – I said, what does it mean?
00:30:09
Speaker
He goes, I don't even know what it means.
00:30:11
Speaker
I just got to talk to you about it.
00:30:13
Speaker
And so then you really like what is love?
00:30:17
Speaker
Like what is love, right?
00:30:18
Speaker
Because I'll make my living –
00:30:20
Speaker
Talking to people about keeping their hearts open and having their authentic selves and people having space to become who they are in all the ways that they're biased and discrimination and so forth.
00:30:35
Speaker
And I'm like, I'm thinking to myself, I'm like,
00:30:37
Speaker
I believe in evolution.
00:30:39
Speaker
I just didn't want it to be in my house.
00:30:43
Speaker
Like, I believe you're supposed to be self-evolved, but please stop evolving right now, right?
00:30:47
Speaker
Because he was sort of like, I guess it's a classic case of someone who fell in love with someone who was not his gender preference and he or his gender orientation.
00:31:00
Speaker
So he thought though that because he had fallen in love with me, that that means he was straight.
00:31:06
Speaker
So did I. Hold on.
00:31:08
Speaker
Hold on.
00:31:08
Speaker
So did I. Hold on.
00:31:10
Speaker
Hold up.
00:31:11
Speaker
Say that again.
00:31:12
Speaker
Apparently, people can fall in love with people and it's not exactly their orientation, right?
00:31:20
Speaker
So that's new.
00:31:22
Speaker
That was something I did not know.
00:31:25
Speaker
And he said to me something that I will always remember.
00:31:28
Speaker
He goes, I love you.
00:31:30
Speaker
I love our life.
00:31:31
Speaker
But I love myself more.
00:31:33
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:31:34
Speaker
How are you going to argue with that?
00:31:36
Speaker
I mean, that's so authentic.
00:31:38
Speaker
You can't argue with that.
00:31:40
Speaker
But that goes back to what you said before.
00:31:42
Speaker
Right.
00:31:42
Speaker
There's three parts of the relationship.
00:31:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:44
Speaker
And then you can't love someone more than you love yourself or you can't make the relationship your life.
00:31:49
Speaker
You can't.
00:31:49
Speaker
Or the person.
00:31:50
Speaker
And who knew that love is not enough?
00:31:53
Speaker
apparently you're like, oh, shoot.
00:31:56
Speaker
So we can actually still love each other.
00:31:57
Speaker
And I don't think people understand this.
00:31:59
Speaker
You can love somebody and not need to be with them or you should decide not to be with them because love is not enough to actually make a relationship thrive, right?
00:32:12
Speaker
Or an individual within the relationship thrive.
00:32:14
Speaker
Is there revelations happening right now as we speak?
00:32:16
Speaker
Mike, do you have something to say?
00:32:19
Speaker
No.
00:32:20
Speaker
Wow.
00:32:22
Speaker
So powerful.
00:32:24
Speaker
So you don't actually have to be with someone, you said, right?
00:32:27
Speaker
Right.
00:32:29
Speaker
To be in love with them?
00:32:31
Speaker
Sure.
00:32:31
Speaker
You know, the whole in love thing is kind of a weird case.
00:32:34
Speaker
Yeah, because I was getting a lot of that slack on the show.
00:32:36
Speaker
You don't know.
00:32:36
Speaker
You sure you're in love?
00:32:37
Speaker
I was like, I know what I experienced.
00:32:39
Speaker
Don't tell me what I know.
00:32:41
Speaker
There's something called infatuation.
00:32:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:44
Speaker
And apparently there's all these people studying the chemicals that happen when you first meet someone, and they actually...
00:32:50
Speaker
cause you not to be rational.
00:32:52
Speaker
So they just, you can just see what you see in that person and you're attracted in that, but it's not going to last forever.
00:32:58
Speaker
And so one of the things I really loved about my relationship with my ex-husband is that we were friends and we were friends for us actually.
00:33:07
Speaker
So I really appreciated how you were approaching Rachel because I knew that you were a person of authenticity and
00:33:13
Speaker
I was also incredibly like jumping around and clapping when you said you loved her because I knew that you were also letting yourself be in a space that you didn't know.
00:33:23
Speaker
I mean, on TV.
00:33:25
Speaker
I trust it.
00:33:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:26
Speaker
You went to lean.
00:33:27
Speaker
You went to lean.
00:33:28
Speaker
And so I love that.
Embracing Emotional Pain for Growth
00:33:30
Speaker
But the way I got through this experience was to just be like, it was hard.
00:33:37
Speaker
Okay.
00:33:37
Speaker
So let's just be clear about that.
00:33:39
Speaker
I talk about that at heart totally.
00:33:41
Speaker
When you're feeling something, you just embrace the true feeling of that moment and it's okay.
00:33:45
Speaker
Yes.
00:33:46
Speaker
So it was hard.
00:33:46
Speaker
It was super hard.
00:33:49
Speaker
And also because he wasn't sure what he wanted to do and then we – whatever.
00:33:56
Speaker
There was a lot of that.
00:33:57
Speaker
But here's one of the things that held me through my faith.
00:34:02
Speaker
Is the thing that anchors me.
00:34:05
Speaker
It's the thing that I have used to make every decision in my life from, you know, as a young adult, which is to say that I'm going to be okay because I'm connected to the source.
00:34:20
Speaker
It may not be perfect and pretty, but fundamentally, I am fine.
00:34:28
Speaker
And even though I'm about to lose my life as I know it, I ultimately would be fine.
00:34:34
Speaker
In fact, I remember saying out loud to God, I was like, okay, so...
00:34:40
Speaker
This is your area.
00:34:41
Speaker
This is going to be on you because I have no idea what to do in this situation.
00:34:47
Speaker
You know, sometimes I feel like people are putting too much on God.
00:34:50
Speaker
They want God to do this.
00:34:51
Speaker
They want God to go get the job.
00:34:52
Speaker
They want God to take care of this or that.
00:34:54
Speaker
And, you know, they're not doing self-responsibility.
00:34:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:58
Speaker
On this one, I was like, I feel fairly certain this is your area.
00:35:01
Speaker
This is your territory because I have no idea how one manages this.
00:35:08
Speaker
I mean, we had this, like, everybody thought we were, like, the best couple.
00:35:12
Speaker
And, you know, we enjoyed each other so much in every way.
00:35:16
Speaker
Should I just say that discreetly?
00:35:19
Speaker
And I just said, you know, I'm going to give over.
00:35:24
Speaker
I'm not.
00:35:24
Speaker
Here's the other thing that changed for me.
00:35:27
Speaker
And I don't know whether your listeners can relate to this.
00:35:29
Speaker
But if you were brought up in Baltimore by the people that we were brought up with, everything's about stoicism.
00:35:35
Speaker
Everybody's stoic.
00:35:36
Speaker
Everybody's like, chin up.
00:35:37
Speaker
Chin up.
00:35:38
Speaker
Chin up.
00:35:38
Speaker
Be tough.
00:35:39
Speaker
Keep going.
00:35:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:40
Speaker
What are you doing?
00:35:41
Speaker
Crying.
00:35:41
Speaker
Why are you crying?
00:35:42
Speaker
Not cry.
00:35:43
Speaker
Why?
00:35:43
Speaker
But not dance.
00:35:44
Speaker
I dance a lot now.
00:35:45
Speaker
Thank you, L.A.
00:35:46
Speaker
What is that?
00:35:47
Speaker
You know, get yourself together.
00:35:48
Speaker
There's a lot of that.
00:35:50
Speaker
There's a lot of denial of emotions in order to deal with difficult situations.
00:35:54
Speaker
OK, that's one way to do it.
00:35:56
Speaker
In this situation, it was clear to me, you go stoic, you're going to lose yourself.
00:36:01
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:36:01
Speaker
You better get down on that floor and weep.
00:36:06
Speaker
So say that again to people listening.
00:36:08
Speaker
So if you're in any danger environment or city or just in anything that's tough, when you're feeling something, just feel it.
00:36:16
Speaker
Feel it.
00:36:16
Speaker
Don't fight it.
00:36:17
Speaker
Don't pretend.
00:36:18
Speaker
Don't resist it because it will get the best of you.
00:36:20
Speaker
Right.
00:36:20
Speaker
It can be something simple as, okay, we're in L.A.
00:36:23
Speaker
I'm in traffic.
00:36:24
Speaker
You're in traffic.
00:36:25
Speaker
Right.
00:36:25
Speaker
Don't try to fight traffic, beat the horn.
00:36:27
Speaker
Right.
00:36:28
Speaker
Just deal with the traffic.
00:36:28
Speaker
Don't get aggressive with reality like that.
00:36:32
Speaker
You're like, what is real?
00:36:34
Speaker
What is real?
00:36:34
Speaker
I got to deal with what's real.
00:36:36
Speaker
And, you know, it's a balance, right?
00:36:39
Speaker
Because you have a bunch of people who are into deep victimization and it's all sad all the time and it's everyone's fault, right?
00:36:46
Speaker
And then you have people who are over...
00:36:50
Speaker
claiming their ability to handle a situation.
00:36:53
Speaker
So they're in denial of emotions until a little bit later, those emotions come back and bite them, or they act in a way that makes no sense.
00:37:03
Speaker
And it's because something that has happened is stirring up old emotions that were never processed.
00:37:10
Speaker
So you get in these relationships, you start screaming at people and the person's like, you're way over the top and you're not screaming at them or the situation you're screaming at a cumulative situation.
00:37:19
Speaker
That pain body, that emotion that erupted from childhood.
00:37:20
Speaker
Right, that you never took care of.
00:37:22
Speaker
So what do you think in situations like that?
00:37:25
Speaker
I think what happens when people are in those type of tough situations and things happen like what happened to you and it's so much so fast, they don't even know how to be in that emotion because maybe it's a new emotion or they don't even know how to feel those feelings.
00:37:37
Speaker
Is there like a way that they can get into those emotions or what do you do?
00:37:41
Speaker
Because I feel like if something happens like that to me, it's just run.
00:37:45
Speaker
Right.
00:37:46
Speaker
You know, flight.
00:37:46
Speaker
I'm out.
00:37:48
Speaker
I'm not going to stay.
00:37:48
Speaker
I'm not standing.
00:37:49
Speaker
I'm not standing in emotions.
00:37:50
Speaker
I'm not standing in relationship.
00:37:51
Speaker
I'm not standing.
00:37:51
Speaker
I'm running, running, running.
00:37:53
Speaker
I'm gonna go smoke.
00:37:53
Speaker
I'm gonna drink.
00:37:54
Speaker
I'm gonna go have sex.
00:37:54
Speaker
I'm gonna do whatever to numb that pain.
00:37:56
Speaker
Yes.
00:37:56
Speaker
Because I don't even know what that is.
00:37:58
Speaker
That is just too foreign to me.
00:38:00
Speaker
And I think that's what I did my whole life in relationships.
00:38:02
Speaker
Like you trying to give me love.
00:38:03
Speaker
Get out of here.
00:38:04
Speaker
Right.
00:38:04
Speaker
Because it was so foreign.
00:38:05
Speaker
I didn't understand.
00:38:06
Speaker
And it was scary.
00:38:07
Speaker
Yes.
00:38:08
Speaker
So I think that's another thing that some people just don't even know how we come from.
00:38:11
Speaker
Scared.
00:38:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:12
Speaker
Know how to sit in those emotions.
00:38:14
Speaker
Because how do you just you do?
00:38:16
Speaker
Well, people think and this is what I believe.
00:38:18
Speaker
And I mean, hey, I haven't been through the very first worst thing in the world.
00:38:22
Speaker
But I think that people believe that if they give space for emotion, the emotions will take them out.
00:38:29
Speaker
Right.
00:38:30
Speaker
That's why you run.
00:38:32
Speaker
You run because you don't think you're going to be able to deal with the impact of the emotion.
00:38:39
Speaker
You're trying to save yourself.
00:38:41
Speaker
And by saving yourself, you are making yourself more vulnerable.
00:38:47
Speaker
So the thing is, is that I, and I'm not saying this is a formula.
00:38:52
Speaker
I'm saying this is what I did.
00:38:53
Speaker
Why is I set a goal?
00:38:56
Speaker
My goal was to emerge from the trauma whole and full of joy.
00:39:07
Speaker
Right.
00:39:08
Speaker
I felt fairly certain that I would not be whole and joyful if I pretended that I was not devastated, which is sort of how I had learned to deal with any difficult situation.
00:39:21
Speaker
I'm like, go in and believe that you are going to be okay.
00:39:26
Speaker
Like allow yourself to feel the feelings and believe that you will survive the feelings.
00:39:31
Speaker
Right.
00:39:32
Speaker
I think a lot of people think I'm not going to survive this.
00:39:36
Speaker
So I'm going to numb out or I'm going to push back or I'm going to run.
00:39:41
Speaker
And one of the things that I knew is I'd seen women who were so bitter.
00:39:48
Speaker
and so angry and so snappy.
00:39:53
Speaker
And I was like, I don't want to be that.
00:39:55
Speaker
I want to be a person at the end of this.
00:39:58
Speaker
And I said to God, I'll go wherever you take me.
00:40:01
Speaker
If you promise me at the end of it, I will be whole, not torn or half or whatever.
00:40:10
Speaker
So consequently, what that meant was like, I would get into a shower, you know, just start weeping.
00:40:15
Speaker
And then like maybe month two, I was just like, okay, you know what?
00:40:20
Speaker
I'm tired of crying.
00:40:22
Speaker
How long am I going to be crying?
00:40:24
Speaker
How long is a shower going to result in weeping?
00:40:28
Speaker
I'm like, when can I come out?
00:40:32
Speaker
And, you know, I just spent time just feeling my feelings.
00:40:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:38
Speaker
And somewhere in there, you start to discover your own strength.
00:40:42
Speaker
Your power.
00:40:43
Speaker
That's what I did on the show.
00:40:45
Speaker
I remember the conversation to myself.
00:40:47
Speaker
I was like, E, you got to do it.
00:40:50
Speaker
It's bigger than you.
00:40:51
Speaker
And I couldn't say I love you without just having a pause.
00:40:55
Speaker
I had to say words after that.
00:40:56
Speaker
Yes, yes.
00:40:57
Speaker
And I remember like yesterday was one in the morning.
00:41:00
Speaker
I'm talking to Louie, the producer.
00:41:01
Speaker
And I'm like, Louie, what is going on with my life?
00:41:03
Speaker
I'm in Spain in a peacoat and a suit.
00:41:07
Speaker
About to tell a girl I love her.
00:41:08
Speaker
What?
00:41:09
Speaker
He said, yeah, my man, it's miracle season.
00:41:13
Speaker
You making your way.
00:41:14
Speaker
And I remember sitting down.
00:41:16
Speaker
And before all this, the therapist was like, just say it and don't.
00:41:20
Speaker
Trust me.
00:41:21
Speaker
Women, if they want to ask a question, they will.
00:41:23
Speaker
You don't have to explain what it means.
00:41:24
Speaker
Right.
00:41:25
Speaker
I don't think I have to tell Rachel what love means and I care about you.
00:41:28
Speaker
You don't need that.
00:41:29
Speaker
I sat down, looked her in the eyes and said, I love you.
00:41:32
Speaker
And I remember the pause.
00:41:33
Speaker
It was like at least 12 seconds.
00:41:36
Speaker
And literally something just left my spirit.
00:41:38
Speaker
I was like,
00:41:40
Speaker
Yeah, I did it.
00:41:42
Speaker
But I had this preconception that if I was in that, something would be different.
00:41:47
Speaker
Because I think sometimes we think, oh, if I go with this emotion and this feeling and my life is going to be over.
00:41:51
Speaker
It's like, no, it's actually undone.
00:41:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:53
Speaker
Like this actually was a blessing because now I can talk about this and not feel like, oh, this is too much.
00:41:59
Speaker
It's like, hey, I'm free as can be, baby.
00:42:01
Speaker
Thank you.
00:42:02
Speaker
You served your purpose.
00:42:03
Speaker
I served mine.
00:42:04
Speaker
I got my miracle.
00:42:04
Speaker
I fell in love.
00:42:06
Speaker
And to your point, I think when I look at your life, I think that's what compelled you to be who you are today was that situation.
00:42:16
Speaker
That's the...
00:42:18
Speaker
That's the miracle.
00:42:19
Speaker
You had to go through this rough patch that nobody wants to go through.
00:42:22
Speaker
Right.
00:42:23
Speaker
Like, what?
00:42:24
Speaker
22 years.
00:42:24
Speaker
I got a son.
00:42:25
Speaker
I'm a successful lawyer.
00:42:27
Speaker
And let's not get it twisted.
00:42:29
Speaker
Uncle Mike went to John Hopkins undergrad and went to Harvard Medical School.
00:42:33
Speaker
He was awesome.
00:42:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:34
Speaker
He still is.
00:42:35
Speaker
He's alive.
00:42:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:36
Speaker
I love him.
00:42:37
Speaker
Tell him I said hi.
00:42:38
Speaker
His food is great.
00:42:39
Speaker
And he can swim.
00:42:40
Speaker
He was awesome.
00:42:40
Speaker
He's a good guy.
00:42:42
Speaker
He's a good guy.
00:42:42
Speaker
So it wasn't like you were the breadwinner.
00:42:45
Speaker
He wasn't like y'all was Imano Imano.
00:42:47
Speaker
Y'all was bringing it in.
00:42:49
Speaker
Y'all was the couple.
00:42:50
Speaker
Y'all was in Newton, Massachusetts, one of the safest cities in America.
00:42:54
Speaker
I mean, you would leave your door unlocked.
00:42:55
Speaker
I'm like, auntie.
00:42:56
Speaker
She's like, it's fine.
00:42:56
Speaker
It's coming to the house.
00:42:58
Speaker
But I think that part of your relationship in your life is what compelled you to be the woman that you are today.
00:43:04
Speaker
To help young women or just young men listening and say, look,
00:43:08
Speaker
There is a way.
00:43:09
Speaker
There's an out.
00:43:10
Speaker
But you don't have to take the easy route.
00:43:11
Speaker
And the easy route is to numb your feelings, is to avoid the pain, is to not speak about what's going on on the inside, is to forget that there was love for this person.
00:43:21
Speaker
That shouldn't change because of the situation.
00:43:23
Speaker
It's all about, and I think what you had was unconditional love.
00:43:26
Speaker
Yes.
00:43:27
Speaker
And I think sometimes in a relationship, people don't love one.
00:43:29
Speaker
They love all conditions and they don't love unconditionally.
00:43:31
Speaker
I will also, I agree with you wholeheartedly.
00:43:34
Speaker
And I also would say that, you know, in a relationship, it's almost like a bank account.
00:43:40
Speaker
And my ex, he had a lot of deposits in his account.
00:43:44
Speaker
He was a great husband.
00:43:46
Speaker
He was a great father.
00:43:47
Speaker
He was a great friend.
00:43:48
Speaker
So when he made that major withdrawal...
00:43:53
Speaker
He still had like a lot of stuff in his bank account.
00:43:57
Speaker
So sometimes when relationships go bad and ugly, it's because there's been some withdrawals being made on the regular and there have not been deposits.
00:44:08
Speaker
Do you know what I'm saying?
00:44:09
Speaker
So people are staying in things way too long and they don't notice that the withdrawals are actually withdrawing them and they are running on a certain kind of empty –
00:44:21
Speaker
And then they get really resentful and angry.
00:44:24
Speaker
And luckily, I wasn't in that position.
00:44:27
Speaker
So sometimes I think, you know, I kind of had it easy.
00:44:30
Speaker
A lot of people like, no, you didn't.
00:44:32
Speaker
I'm like, yes, but I feel like, you know, because we had a loving relationship, I was a, but a point, we talk about this, the ability to let go.
00:44:40
Speaker
Let go.
00:44:41
Speaker
Let go, man.
00:44:42
Speaker
Let go.
00:44:42
Speaker
When you let go, you grow.
00:44:44
Speaker
When you hold on, you stay down.
00:44:46
Speaker
You can't move.
00:44:47
Speaker
It's so true.
00:44:47
Speaker
But it's like, how do you know?
00:44:49
Speaker
Because there are some things that you... Goals that you get because you held on, right?
00:44:54
Speaker
And you just waited for the thing to pass and you were still okay.
00:44:58
Speaker
And then other things, you're just like... You're holding on and you're killing yourself and you don't know to let go.
00:45:05
Speaker
So it's not...
00:45:07
Speaker
It's not easy, but I think what people have to understand is an intangible concept that you have to adapt, right?
00:45:13
Speaker
For me, I came home from the show.
00:45:15
Speaker
Michael's here.
00:45:16
Speaker
I had another friend.
00:45:17
Speaker
And he said, you shouldn't work.
00:45:18
Speaker
I didn't work for myself.
00:45:20
Speaker
I'm going to pay my rent.
00:45:20
Speaker
I'm going to pay my bills.
00:45:22
Speaker
I had a spiritual advisor.
00:45:22
Speaker
He said, you just got to sit down, relax.
00:45:25
Speaker
You went through a whole...
00:45:26
Speaker
major transformation.
00:45:28
Speaker
You got to get out of your own way.
00:45:29
Speaker
So I'm like, you know me, I'm working for me.
00:45:31
Speaker
This me, this E, I got to get it done.
00:45:33
Speaker
I'm driven and willing.
00:45:34
Speaker
And the thing I had to adapt was faith.
00:45:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:37
Speaker
I had to let go and say, you know what?
00:45:38
Speaker
You got me.
00:45:40
Speaker
Rem was almost due at the end of the month.
00:45:43
Speaker
I'm like, I'll pay my bills.
00:45:46
Speaker
I get a call.
00:45:48
Speaker
Man might get a call.
00:45:49
Speaker
Commercial.
00:45:49
Speaker
Commercial.
00:45:51
Speaker
Paid my rent plus some.
00:45:53
Speaker
But if I didn't have that faith and I would have relapsed and went back to what I was doing before, that blessing probably wouldn't even came.
00:46:00
Speaker
Right, you probably couldn't have taken the commercial.
00:46:01
Speaker
And then weeks into the next month, I get another book and speaking engagement.
00:46:06
Speaker
Way more money.
00:46:07
Speaker
First time getting paid, I cried.
00:46:09
Speaker
But if I didn't adapt that intangible concept of having faith that, you know what, I have to do this with Uncle Mike did.
Faith and New Opportunities
00:46:16
Speaker
I love you, but I love myself more.
00:46:18
Speaker
That was faith.
00:46:19
Speaker
I mean, that's so true because the thing that always kept me kind of grounded was, man, my life is difficult, but his life has got to be harder.
00:46:28
Speaker
You know, that's a huge thing to change like your identity and your friend base and, you know, just be in a space that you feel uncomfortable in and you know, you're disappointing a whole bunch of people.
00:46:39
Speaker
A lot of people were not as loving toward him, you know?
00:46:42
Speaker
So to go out and like to, to be that level, that level of authentic, demanding that in your life is,
00:46:50
Speaker
It's not always easy.
00:46:51
Speaker
That's great.
00:46:52
Speaker
This was beautiful.
00:46:53
Speaker
But before we wrap, I just have a few questions.
00:46:56
Speaker
Okay.
00:46:57
Speaker
Like what is my website and where can you follow me?
00:47:01
Speaker
I just want to say, what is your greatest joy and what is your greatest hope for the world?
00:47:07
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that's so hard.
00:47:10
Speaker
You know what came to mind?
00:47:11
Speaker
Trey.
00:47:13
Speaker
Trey is my son.
00:47:13
Speaker
He's 30.
00:47:14
Speaker
He's my greatest joy.
00:47:16
Speaker
In many respects, just I adore him as a person.
00:47:21
Speaker
But if I were to not be talking about a person or a thing, my greatest joy is that I get to go out almost every day and share my knowledge and
00:47:35
Speaker
about all of these issues around culture and innovation and opportunity and fairness and people respond.
00:47:44
Speaker
That's joyful.
00:47:47
Speaker
When you have something that you do and it makes life better for someone else, it's really a great thing.
00:47:56
Speaker
So that's my biggest joy.
00:47:56
Speaker
And what was the second one?
00:47:57
Speaker
What's your greatest?
00:47:58
Speaker
Like, what is your hope for America, for the world that you want people to get to at least understand?
00:48:03
Speaker
Or what would that be?
Vision for a Connected World
00:48:05
Speaker
Well, I would say that my greatest hope is that we realize that we're all one, that we're all connected, that we're not going to move forward unless all of us can move forward.
00:48:20
Speaker
And I think people are busy dividing themselves, othering people, judging folks, folks.
00:48:31
Speaker
Finding ways to try to make themselves better than other people.
00:48:37
Speaker
And I'm thinking to myself, do you not understand we're all the same?
00:48:40
Speaker
All the same.
00:48:41
Speaker
We're the same race.
00:48:42
Speaker
It's a human race.
00:48:44
Speaker
We are interdependent.
00:48:46
Speaker
Universal human.
00:48:48
Speaker
Yes.
00:48:48
Speaker
And yes, we have differences and no, we don't need to ignore them, but we can't allow them to sever what is true about all of us.
00:48:57
Speaker
And that is like, we're one consciousness, we're one group.
00:49:00
Speaker
And like, if we don't pay attention to each other, it's hard to imagine how we can move forward as a society.
00:49:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:49:08
Speaker
One for all, all for one.
00:49:10
Speaker
This was fun.
00:49:11
Speaker
But I need the handles.
00:49:12
Speaker
You have to follow my Aunt Renee, please.
00:49:14
Speaker
She's amazing.
00:49:15
Speaker
Yeah, and I've been kind of lax on the whole thing.
00:49:18
Speaker
You know I'm an old person, and I didn't know that social media was all that.
00:49:22
Speaker
So I'm like, I'm at Renee Myers.
00:49:24
Speaker
Do they know how to spell my name?
00:49:25
Speaker
It's a weird thing.
00:49:26
Speaker
V-E-R-N-A.
00:49:27
Speaker
V-E-R-N-A and then M-Y-E-R-S.
00:49:30
Speaker
So on Twitter, I'm at Renee Myers.
00:49:32
Speaker
I've learned to say IG.
00:49:34
Speaker
I'm at Renee Myers.
00:49:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:49:36
Speaker
On Facebook, I'm Brene Myers speaker.
00:49:39
Speaker
You have a TED talk that you did a few years ago.
00:49:42
Speaker
I have a TED talk.
00:49:43
Speaker
If you just put my name up there, it's like how to counter biases, walk boldly toward them.
00:49:50
Speaker
So if you just put my name in the TED website.
00:49:52
Speaker
And you have a few books out.
00:49:53
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:49:53
Speaker
I have two books.
00:49:54
Speaker
Come on.
00:49:55
Speaker
I'm writing a third book.
00:49:56
Speaker
Hey.
00:49:57
Speaker
So you can go to my website, verneemeyers.com, verneemeyers.com.
00:50:01
Speaker
All you have to know is V-E-R-N-A.
00:50:04
Speaker
Hey.
00:50:04
Speaker
M-Y-E-R-S.
00:50:07
Speaker
That's all you have to know.
00:50:08
Speaker
And then you can find me on Twitter and IG and on my website.
00:50:11
Speaker
There it is.
00:50:12
Speaker
Follow her.
00:50:12
Speaker
She's amazing.
00:50:13
Speaker
No, you're amazing, nephew.
00:50:15
Speaker
We're amazing together.
00:50:17
Speaker
Bigger Talks.
00:50:17
Speaker
Thank you guys for tuning in, listening, just supporting this podcast.
00:50:22
Speaker
The more the better.
00:50:24
Speaker
Rate, review, subscribe.
00:50:27
Speaker
What lives a screenshot.
00:50:29
Speaker
Let me know that you're listening and you're joining in.
00:50:31
Speaker
But yeah, Bigger Talks.
00:50:33
Speaker
What's the word?
00:50:34
Speaker
Dichotomy of failure and success.
00:50:37
Speaker
Did I get it that right, Tom?
00:50:38
Speaker
Yes.
00:50:38
Speaker
The dichotomy of failure and success.
00:50:41
Speaker
Damn.
00:50:41
Speaker
Failure and success.
00:50:42
Speaker
Be your best.
00:50:43
Speaker
Renee Myers.
00:50:44
Speaker
That's my end.
00:50:45
Speaker
We did it.
00:50:45
Speaker
Bigger Talks.
00:50:46
Speaker
We out.
00:50:47
Speaker
Thank you.
00:50:47
Speaker
Love.
00:50:48
Speaker
One.
00:50:48
Speaker
We done.
00:50:48
Speaker
Peace.
00:50:49
Speaker
Thanks for listening to Bigger Talks with Eric Bigger.
00:50:52
Speaker
Check out new episodes every Wednesday exclusively on Apple Podcasts, the new Podcast One app, or download the show at podcastone.com.
00:51:01
Speaker
Trending on Podcast One.
00:51:03
Speaker
I'm obviously not a parent, but thinking from the outside.
00:51:06
Speaker
You are Tucker Doodle Dog.
00:51:07
Speaker
Of course.
00:51:08
Speaker
That's true, but I don't have to have tough conversations with Tucker.
00:51:11
Speaker
Don't miss Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow every Tuesday and Thursday on Podcast One.
00:51:17
Speaker
If you're a fan of Off the Vine, you may also like other shows like Lady Gang, Heather Dubrow's World, and Shenanigans with Sheena Shea.
00:51:24
Speaker
All of these shows and more can be found exclusively on Apple Podcasts, PodcastOne.com, and the new Podcast One app.
00:51:31
Speaker
Southern California is home to millions of drivers, so the open road is rarely open.
00:51:37
Speaker
And unfortunately, as we all know, a lot of drivers aren't always focused on navigating the street in front of them.
00:51:43
Speaker
So Toyota is doing its part to help make driving safer.
00:51:46
Speaker
Toyota Safety Sense is a no-cost suite of safety features designed to be a kind of safety co-pilot, and it comes standard on most of their models.
00:51:54
Speaker
Find out what Toyota Safety Sense is all about.
00:51:57
Speaker
Visit buyatoyota.com.
00:51:59
Speaker
Your Southern California Toyota dealers make it easy.
00:52:01
Speaker
Toyota, let's go places.
00:52:03
Speaker
Closer to the border.
00:52:05
Speaker
I'm Ed Donoghue with an AP News Minute.
00:52:07
Speaker
Thousands of migrants from Honduras have reached southern Mexico.
00:52:12
Speaker
People are sleeping in the streets.
00:52:14
Speaker
They have had to deal with severe heat on their journey.
00:52:18
Speaker
It's not stopping people like Luis Porto.
00:52:20
Speaker
We're going to fight.
00:52:21
Speaker
We're going to keep on going.
00:52:23
Speaker
We're not going to stop.
00:52:24
Speaker
President Trump wants to stop them.
00:52:26
Speaker
I think some bad people started that caravan.
00:52:30
Speaker
More importantly, or maybe almost as importantly, you have some very, very bad people in the caravan.
00:52:37
Speaker
You have some very tough criminal elements within the caravan.
00:52:41
Speaker
And the president talked about bringing, possibly bringing the military to the border.
00:52:45
Speaker
Former NFL wide receiver Ray Carruth has been released from prison in North Carolina.
00:52:49
Speaker
He served 18 years for conspiring to murder the mother of his unborn child.
00:52:54
Speaker
The child was delivered by emergency cesarean section, but suffers from permanent brain damage and cerebral palsy.
00:53:01
Speaker
I'm Ed Donoghue.