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70: Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser with Ulondia Tow (Part 2)
216 Plays2 years ago
This week’s episode is Part 2 of the conversation with Ulondia (Londi) Tow. Londi best describes herself in the following sentence, “I love God, people, clothing, and food.” Londi has five children, owns multiple businesses and is striving to live an unedited life.
Laura Fleetwood and Jill Devine asked Londi to share her insight, wisdom, and experience with people pleasing, burnout, and delegating.
Links to Hazel and Blues Boutique and My Beloved Bridal:
https://hazelandbluesboutique.com/
https://www.mybelovedbridalandformal.com/
https://www.instagram.com/mybeloved.bridal/
https://www.facebook.com/mybelovedbridalandformalwear
Normal Goes A Long Way Website: https://www.normalgoesalongway.com/
Normal Goes A Long Way Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/normalgoesalongway/
Normal Goes A Long Way Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Normal-Goes-A-Long-Way-110089491250735
Normal Goes A Long Way is brought to you by Messiah St. Charles: https://messiahstcharles.org/
Two Kids and A Career: https://www.jilldevine.com/podcast
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Transcript
Jill Devine's Faith Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production. Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members-only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith.
Podcast's Purpose and Guests
00:00:28
Speaker
The normal goes a long way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation. Welcome back to normal goes a long way. I'm your host Jill Devine and this week's episode is a continuation from last week.
00:00:47
Speaker
Laura Fleetwood and I sat down with Laundi Tao to talk about living an unfiltered life. And that conversation continues in this week's episode.
Laundi Tao on People-Pleasing and Self-Prioritization
00:00:58
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All right, Laundi. A little bit ago, you said that one of the things you have been set free from this year is people pleasing. Yes. What did that look like and how did you overcome? So
00:01:11
Speaker
I had an opportunity to go with some close sisters in Christ to Israel. And you guys know I'm a mother of five and I have two businesses. And I also have a mother that's a stepmother that's not doing well in her health. And it looked very crazy for me to leave my family and go to Israel for 10 days.
00:01:34
Speaker
and leave my husband with the children and do all of the things that sometimes the martyrdom of motherhood would tell us no. Well, I decided I was going to say no to that.
00:01:46
Speaker
martyrdom of motherhood. And I was going to stop people pleasing and doing what was expected of me to do and do where I knew I was supposed to be. And the Lord met me there. And one of the things he did was like show me that that was the open door to people pleasing and saying yes, just because I think it's expected.
00:02:07
Speaker
and saying yes because I don't want to disappoint and saying yes just because I want to look like I've got it together or I, you know, whatever the reason is and just start saying no for a purpose. No, I'm not going to stay home from Israel because I feel the need to take a sabbatical and just meet with the Lord where he walked. And that's good enough. And I know, oh, no other explanation.
00:02:36
Speaker
And then it just grew from there. Yeah. I need some advice. I'm a people pleaser. Yeah. It's an epidemic. I know COVID did some serious damage, but I think a real, a new pandemic and epidemic is people pleasing. It's dangerous. It's very dangerous. So how do you decide what things are? Yes. And what things are? No.
00:02:59
Speaker
The things that are a yes for me naturally quick are the things that bring me just amazing joy. Cause I know I'll be filled. The things that are, let me pray about it are the things that I am asking God, do you want me to sacrifice for this and use this as surveying? And the things that are a no are the things that I immediately feel guilt or shame.
Purposeful Choices and Boundaries
00:03:21
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If I tell you, if there's guilt or shame, adjust. I, I, I'm like, you're on assignment from the enemy.
00:03:30
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because God is not a God of guilt and shame. He is a God of service. So he may want me to sacrifice some things and serve in some areas that are going to stretch me and grow me, like being part of prison ministry. That was acts of service and it stretched me and grew me. And it became a desire of my heart because I said yes to the growth. But there are areas in my life like familial obligation, as I know for me. Expand.
00:03:59
Speaker
Um, it's your aunt Sarah's birthday and you know, she'll be really disappointed if you don't come with the children. I know it's a Sunday and you serve, but you don't need to be there every Sunday. She doesn't even like me. Why am I going? Because I don't want to disappoint my mom or be the talk of the conversation about why I'm not there again. If that makes me feel shame for not showing up.
00:04:29
Speaker
It's a no. I will send her a letter in the mail and a home goods gift card. Because who doesn't like that? But I'm not going to feel obligated to do things just because somebody is demanding it. You know, acts of service versus demand. Also with raising children and raising teenagers. That's not teenagers anymore. They're young adults.
00:04:59
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raising young adults. You know, mom, can you pay my student loan this month? Well, we're the last $400 I gave you. Well, we decided that we wanted to go shopping on Michigan Avenue. Well, guess what, sister? No. Instead of the enemy like, well, she's going to be hungry. Well, but I guess that hunger is a good lesson.
00:05:24
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you know, I don't want to do that. I want to be able to say no for a purpose. If I run to my grown kids rescue every single time, are they grown? No. And that's hard. And I choose my battles, you know, and I learning to choose your battles, girlfriends that are like, you know, come spend time with us, go do this with us. Let's do a girls trip. You know, I'm not
00:05:49
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Depending on what it is, my life of girls' trips may look different. It may look like all of us reading a book quietly. It's no longer Cabo. Yeah. Even though that sounds good too. It may be Cabo reading a book quietly. Yeah, that sounds lovely to me. But as my life changes, my yes changes. As my life grows, my no grows.
00:06:14
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So it's just, it just depends on what it is.
Balancing Social Obligations
00:06:18
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And if it's going to cause a hurt, that's not my responsibility to be a remedy for. Well, I'm hurt, but that's not my responsibility though. Jill, I see you. Your, your, your, your wheels are turning and you're struggling with this. Yeah, because I have been saying, trying to say no more lately, but
00:06:42
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I need to look at some of the, the reasonings why, but then I'll say on the flip side that when I'm not invited and I'm hurt, but it's like, you never ever want to come or you always say no. And so I was like, dang, I, I'm choosing that. So how do I, you start throwing your own parties.
00:07:08
Speaker
Yeah. You do. And we all want to be invited. And here's the thing. We all are. We all are. But sometimes we're just so depleted on life, we can't show up when we really need to. And I think that that's part of my problem too, is like the season of life I'm in, most of my friends and family, they're not in this season, even though we might be the same age. Their kids are growing up. And so that's the tricky thing too.
00:07:39
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And this is something I've been battling for a while now, but I have been more like instead of out of obligation, like going to the happy hour. And it's not that I don't want to see the people, but I want to be home. Yeah. Then that's where you should be because there will always be a happy hour. There will always be a gathering. And here's what I've learned too about women and gathering.
00:08:04
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If we can't go reaching out and saying, I really missed your company, maybe we can connect one to one means so much more to the person than you just showing up and then you passing each other three times while you guys are going to get your refreshment. Yeah. It's the one to one connection. I think that it's going to be filling.
00:08:24
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It's really hard to fill each other in a room full of people. But when we slow down and say yes to the things that are gonna build, I feel like the tenor of part
Decluttering Life for Freedom
00:08:34
Speaker
one and two is building equity one to another and how to do that. And sometimes it's doing it by addressing the hard things and the fears and the sadness. And other times it's doing it by teaching each other how to say yes when we need to say yes and no when we need to say no. And that there's a maybe too. Absolutely.
00:08:52
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Or maybe no to that, but how about this? No, I can't come to your soiree, but what if we met for lunch? Options. Options are so valuable. It doesn't have to be black and white. And getting set free from people pleasing actually opened up this world full of options for me.
00:09:15
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Yeah, I see the free-ness on you and I'm like, yes, I want that. I don't want to be like, mm. So did you just take a look at your schedule and all the things you were committed to and just reevaluate all of them? Is that what you did? I surely did. A lot of things went. A lot of things went. And for some, for my husband and I, it was just a reevaluation and readjustment.
00:09:40
Speaker
For example, this year Shane did all the parent teacher conferences. Cause he's, there's as much to their dad as I am their mother. And me putting that responsibility back where it belongs. If he wants, if he is the head of our household and our spiritual leader, then he has to have opportunities to show up and lead spiritually. So sitting down with our lovely fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Dwyer was a great opportunity for him to lead right or well. I love that. So it's just allowing.
00:10:10
Speaker
grandparents to be grandparents and husbands to be husbands and friends to be friends. I don't have to be everything to everybody. I just have to be what I'm responsible to be. That was huge though. And I remember thinking, oh my gosh, people are going to think I don't care about my kids anymore because I'm so busy with my businesses that I don't even go to my kid's parent teacher. No, not at all. It's just,
00:10:36
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It's valuable for a dad to be a parent, not just a provider. Yeah. Nobody says that when the dad doesn't show up. No. So to me, it was, that was giving my best. Yes. Was yes, we will be at parent teacher conferences and Shane will be there so you can email him. Taking those little things off my plate was huge.
00:10:58
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You know what else I took off my plate where I thought I was going to, I was crazy. I just recently did this. I've decided I'm cleaning my own house. I'm a cleaning lady because they would come in and they would forget things and then I would stew about it all day. Sounds so petty, but it's so true. So just stop stewing about these things and spend some time listening to a podcast and clean your own bathrooms and have your quiet time.
00:11:25
Speaker
There's a remedy for it. I'm not looking for an easier way. I'm looking for a more fulfilling way. Easier does not mean you're more set free. It doesn't. But a more fulfilling way, a more equity building way to live my life and conduct my lifestyle is what I was really desiring and getting set free from people pleasing. It really was. And I
00:11:50
Speaker
The first thing that happened for me and people pleasing and getting rid of things is I got a dumpster delivered to my driveway and I just started to purge and
Redefining Household Roles
00:12:01
Speaker
purge and purge and there were more tears. I didn't realize how much stuff I had a death grip on and why I'm a stylist. I just got back from LA. I was in New York in September. I'm going to turn right back around and go back to New York next month. Like,
00:12:17
Speaker
Why am I holding on to a Target sweater from 94?
00:12:34
Speaker
Ted Baker stilettos that I bought at Caesars Palace that my feet can't fit in those. Or you don't let alone walk in them anymore. I can't even walk in heels anymore. I'm wearing like lily pullets or tennis shoes now for the rest of my life. You know, so it's like, let it go. Because what you do on the outside, ladies, is a representation of what's going on inside. So I just said, Lord, scrub me clean. And I just started throwing stuff away. Toys, clothes.
00:13:04
Speaker
pictures of times where I was miserable and depressed and full of anxiety. I threw photos in the trash. That's empowering. Yeah. I mean, I felt like there were so many photos in that dumpster. It was just get rid of it. Bags and bags to Goodwill. Bless whoever receives it. You know, and just eliminating some things. I have space to breathe, space to say yes.
00:13:34
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And then it's easier to say, no, I want to be home when you're home is a safe place. And it got to my point where there was just so much old.
00:13:43
Speaker
emotion. It looked clean, but behind those heart cabinets was just old emotion that I just didn't want to be in that space. I'm like, no, my home is a dwelling place of God because I dwell there. So let's get some things in order. And so with saying yes and saying no, I also brought a newfound order in my life and it's just been amazing. And that is part of the freedom too. So good.
Laundi's Business Ventures and Support
00:14:16
Speaker
So, Laundi, let our listers know where they can find you. Yeah, if you're in the local area. If you are in the local area, you can find me at mybelovedbridal.com. There is a book now button if you'd like to make appointment for any sort of formal wear. Bridal, prom, homecoming for your girls. You can even put notes in to let me know ahead of time if your young girl daughter is struggling with anxiety around prom and body image.
00:14:38
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So good. So, so very good.
00:14:44
Speaker
I really want to be a safe place for that because we are coming up on that in the next couple of months. For ready to wear in everyday fashion, you can reach me at Hazel and Blue's Boutique. We are open lots of hours, but I'm personally there Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So reach out to me for that. And then if you just need prayer or you just need to talk, just send me a message on.
00:15:08
Speaker
Facebook at Yolanda Tao on Facebook and Common Thread Life on Facebook and I'll be here to support you or point you to the direction of support if I need to tell you no. And I have done that. I have sent people to Yolanda and you will definitely follow through. We'll have all this information at the show notes at normalgoesalongway.com. And even if you aren't local, look her up. I
00:15:36
Speaker
Especially, yes, that formal wear, make the trip. Make the trip, you will not be disappointed. Laundi, Laura, I'm so thankful for the both of you. It's a power now. The power of you two, it's helping me, so thank you. Thanks for having me, ladies. Look forward to next time.