Transcript
Speaker: Welcome to Prime Space, a Prime Coaching Academy podcast with your host, Elias Scultori. Coaches, have you ever seen that YouTube video of Dr. Brené Brown when she is explaining the distinction between empathy and sympathy?
Speaker: It's a cute video, someone took a snippet of one of her talks and created this cartoon with three characters acting what she is describing in her talk. It's quite wonderful. I'll put a link to this video on the description of this podcast.
Speaker: I often use this video or at least mention this video in my training because we as coaches, we are called to show empathy for our clients.
Speaker: Subcompetency 4.4 says, a coach shows support, empathy, and concern for the client. We are supposed to develop and demonstrate the skill of empathy,
Speaker: for our clients.
Speaker: However, what is empathy? Elias, what is empathy? Empathy is this feeling and it's so subjective.
Speaker: How does a coach demonstrate empathy? How do we know we are feeling empathy for our clients?
Speaker: And another question i have to follow up on the video, Dr. Brené Brown's video, is what is the distinction between empathy and not only sympathy, but other very similar feelings?
Speaker: In the video, Dr. Brené Brown describes empathy as feeling with people. She says, to have empathy, I have to connect with something about myself that knows that feeling that the other person is having. And it's beautiful to see the human-to-human connection.
Speaker: and that's all about coaching. Coaching is about the human-to-human connection. The ICF in the glossary that comes together with the new version of the ICF Core Competencies, the definition of empathy there says the ability to understand and share the feelings with another person. And awesome.
Speaker: We love it. But again... How do we demonstrate this? How do we demonstrate to our clients that we empathize with them in their situation?
Speaker: So I'm going to give you some examples here, but I give them with a warning. I usually hesitate to share coaching statements out of context because everything in coaching is context. Everything in coaching happens in the moment.
Speaker: And it is the moment, what came before, what happens next, that will dictate if that statement worked or not. And i also want to emphasize the non-verbals, because tone of voice, pace, energy, articulation, everything contributes to the moment.
Speaker: That's why one phrase out of context may or may not land, But, you know, for the sake of this exercise here, let's do it.
Speaker: All right? So let's look at the distinctions. Empathy. Empathy is described as the ability to understand and feel into another person's experience from their perspective without losing our own center. right?
Speaker: So it goes back to that episode I shared with you, episode 78 of Prime Space called The Hardest Skill. That ability of the coach to transport themselves to the client's world without losing our own center. I feel with you.
Speaker: completely aligned with coaching mindset, cultivates trust and safety, and even listening. I need to listen in order to empathize with the other person. So a couple of examples here would be probably a statement like, it sounds like you're feeling stretched thin and unsure where to focus.
Speaker: There is something important here for you. What feels most present right now? I'm sensing hesitation. What's behind that? So this acknowledges what the client is feeling and stays there, supports that with them.
Speaker: What makes these statements skillful is that they are clean reflections of the client's moment without having to interpret or make assumptions around them. And also there is no urgency to fix anything. It's just an acknowledgement. and at the same time giving plenty of space to the client to go deeper.
Speaker: The nuance here is that empathy doesn't require that I agree or feel the need to fix. It's about sensing and reflecting back the other person's internal world in that particular moment.
Speaker: And again, the the danger here is that if I over empathize, i can get stuck in the client's hole and we don't want to do that.
Speaker: Let's compare that with sympathy. Sympathy is feeling for someone and often involves concern, sometimes pity or sorrow for their situation. I feel for you. And you can see that just in that statement, I feel for you, there is a little bit of a distance between I am the observer and I remain outside the experience rather than being there with you.
Speaker: And this detachment totally weakens partnership. It breaks trust. The moment that the client sees the distance, they no longer trust the coach or even the process, consciously or unconsciously.
Speaker: Sympathy statements might be like, oh, wow, that's really hard. I'm sorry you're going through that. Perfectly fine, right? But it's it's detached.
Speaker: Anyone would feel terrible in your situation. That must be awful. At least you didn't lose your job. And I put the at least there because Dr. Brené Brown says in the video that empathy doesn't start with at least.
Speaker: right It's silver lining the other person's feelings. That's not even honoring. Sympathy is tricky because it may feel caring, but it actually positions the coach as above or outside. It brings a hierarchy to the coaching.
Speaker: It lowers agency. And stops exploration. We are just there swimming in the muck of the client. It moves away from partnership and puts the coach in this position of almost pity for the client's situation.
Speaker: But let me add a couple of more concepts here besides what Dr. Brené Brown shows in the video. And this hopefully will help us better understand empathy. ah The concept of emotional resonance. Emotional resonance is the automatic and intuitive alignment of emotional states between people.
Speaker: And this is often automatic. You've probably heard of mirror neurons. those brain cells that allow us to not only recognize emotions in others, but also to actually feel them.
Speaker: If there are no mental health issues, this is usually natural, a biological response that we humans have when interacting with others.
Speaker: I am tuned into the other person's emotional frequency. This is less intentional than empathy. It's usually the precursor to empathy.
Speaker: We talk a lot about emotional resonance in coaching supervision. Not often use the term, but that's what we talk about. This concept of I feel with my supervisee. And it can be very powerful because it makes the other person feel validated and feel seen.
Speaker: The distinction here is that when we simply use emotional resonance in a raw state, it becomes more personal. It becomes more about me.
Speaker: I can feel how heavy this is. It's almost overwhelming to me. So I'm sharing this emotional resonance, but I am putting myself in the room and occupying the room. When we use emotional resonance in a more skillful way, so statements could be like, there is a heaviness here. I can feel this heaviness here. How are you experiencing it right now?
Speaker: I'm noticing a shift of your energy. What's happening for you? That's so much more refined because here the way we like to say in supervision is that we are using ourselves and our responses as instruments to the coaching process. I'm bringing my awareness of my internal response to support the client's process, but I'm being extremely cautious.
Speaker: of not taking center stage. It is just a subtle contribution that I give to the client's discovery. Can you see that distinction? And that's the excellence that we are looking for here.
Speaker: Another concept is the concept of compassion. We often talk about compassion when we talk about empathy and sympathy. Compassion is empathy plus a genuine desire to alleviate the suffering.
Speaker: So the nuance here is that if you pay attention, compassion often involves a problem, a situation. There is something wrong that needs fixing.
Speaker: And I'm feeling compassionate about that. ah What's the problem there? Well, we say that in coaching, there is nothing to fix. There is a situation the client is living right now that might be uncomfortable, and therefore the client most likely wants to get out of it, of course. But we, as professionally trained coaches, come from a place that even if this is uncomfortable, this might be exactly what the client needs to grow.
Speaker: It is just another part of life, of the ups and downs of life, of the challenges of life. And it is certainly not my job to fix anything.
Speaker: And the distinction also of compassion with empathy is that empathy, i can empathize with other person's joy, relief, other person's energy and excitement.
Speaker: Compassion, not necessarily. Like, compassion means something is not right. And I feel compassion for that. I feel with you, but I move to help.
Speaker: We want to get you out of this. Compassion includes this intention to act, to solve, which can be very tricky in coaching.
Speaker: I hope that you can see that distinction. So to summarize here, a simple way to remember these four different concepts here. Empathy is connection through understanding.
Speaker: Empathy is foundational. Without it, we can't build trust. Sympathy is concern but at a distance and it will naturally create hierarchy, will put the coach in a position different than where the client is.
Speaker: Emotional resonance is this natural human response that aligns us with each other and it needs skill to position it without making it about me, the coach.
Speaker: And compassion is connection, but with assumption of a problem and usually a compelling sense to fix it. Let's alleviate this.
Speaker: If not managed well, compassion can shift coaching into advising, into mentoring, into rescuing, or as I like to say, into parenting.
Speaker: Make sense? These distinctions, I think it's nice to see the subtlety here. So I would like to end here our conversation today by giving you two examples of client situations. One is an example where there is a situation that is uncomfortable or quote-unquote a problem. And the other one is a situation where it's good news.
Speaker: So let's see how it works. right and Let's say that the client comes and says, oh, I feel completely stuck. Nothing I try is working. So sympathy may be, that sounds really frustrating. I'm so sorry.
Speaker: Again, that moment we are in the muck with the client, right? The so sorry. Or or worse than just being in the muck, we are we are watching the client in the muck, right?
Speaker: Emotional resonance without much skill, the raw emotional of resonance could be, yeah, I can feel how heavy that is. I can feel how heavy that is. That puts the focus on me as a coach. Not so good, right? Compassion is, oh, since you are stuck, how are we going to explore this? Like immediately going into fixing.
Speaker: into action. What are we going to do about this? And it doesn't honor the client's feelings, the client's moment. Empathy is more you're feeling stuck and you sense that this is not leading you anywhere.
Speaker: Yeah, it's a simple reflection, but because I empathize, I am honoring what you're feeling. And I am verbalizing how much I honor that you're feeling that.
Speaker: And I am showing how much I honor this through a considerate reflection. In motivational interviewing, we would say this is is a complex reflection.
Speaker: But what about when a client shares good news? When a client is celebrating, client comes and says, I finally spoke up in the meeting and it actually went really well.
Speaker: So sympathy can be, oh, that's great. Good for you. Or nice. I'm glad it worked out. yeah As you can see, it stays on the surface, misses the meaning of the moment.
Speaker: It's just like I've become a cheerleader for the client. It's polite, but it doesn't make a connection with the client. Emotional resonance without skill can be, that's amazing, I'm so excited for you.
Speaker: puts the focus on the coach. With a little bit more skills, it can be, I can feel your excitement. How are you experiencing it? So I shared that I resonate with the excitement of the client, but I immediately put the focus back into the client.
Speaker: Compassion would be, wow, what did speaking up unlock for you? How might you build on this going forward?
Speaker: it's It immediately dismisses the feeling that the client is feeling right now, and um and it goes into what what else? Even when we are celebrating.
Speaker: Empathy would be more like, oh, you spoke up and it landed well. This seems meaningful. What was that like for you?
Speaker: As you can see, it's honoring the moment, recognizing, acknowledging the moment and honoring that moment for the client. That's empathy.
Speaker: So there you have it, am my attempt to explore the concept of empathy with you. There is so much more about this, but I hope this is a beginning and I hope that this is helpful.
Speaker: I hope that you are noticing the subtleties of language. That's the beauty of excellence in coaching, these nuances. And nice encourage you to strive for that. Language is so important in coaching. But even more than language, I hope that you don't get caught up simply on the specific statements and words.
Speaker: Because as I said before, this is all about context. What I would love for you to notice and to focus on is in the subtleties of mindset.
Speaker: How are you seeing your client? How do you position yourself in front of the client? Is there pity involved? Is there the urge to fix?
Speaker: Am i making this all about me and how I feel? Or am I truly honoring the client's moment? Mindset will dictate what you say how you say it, and what you share with the client at any given moment.
Speaker: It's not simply what you say itself. and the words you use, but the human-to-human equal partnership you create with your client. That is the level of connection we are looking for in coaching.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening and thank you so much for subscribing to our YouTube channel, to the podcast, following Prime Coaching Academy on LinkedIn. It's so important.
Speaker: I want to know that this is valuable to you so that I can create more episodes like this for you as well. Enjoy and I will talk to you next time.
