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Five Pillars of Emotional Intelligence – a conversation with Daniel Tolson
4 Plays13 minutes ago
The 100,000,000 Dollar secret ingredient of success in business is understanding how to use emotional intelligence.
Daniel Tolson is known as the voice whisperer because of the way he uses voice analysis to help leaders and potential leaders to understand their natural leadership styles. The key to success as a leader is says Daniel, understanding your own emotional intelligence.
In this episode of the Abeceder podcast The Independent Minds Daniel explains to host Michael Millward what emotional intelligence is and explore with him the five pillars of emotional intelligence.
- Self-Awareness
- Self-Regulation
- Self-Motivation
- Empathy
- Social Regulation
Daniel goes into a lot of detail as he explains each pillar describing from his own lived experience and the lived experience of colleagues and clients the impressive results that can be achieved when we learn how to manage our emotional intelligence.
Michael asks what makes applying emotional intelligence so difficult and why if emotional intelligence creates such dramatic results more individuals and organisations are not making more use of emotional intelligence?
Listening to this episode will inspire you with the confidence to investigate your own emotional intelligence and learn how to enhance it.
Discover more about Daniel and Michael at Abeceder.co.uk
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Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast and Host
00:00:05
Speaker
Made on Zencastr. Because Zencastr is the all-in-one podcasting platform that really does make every stage of the podcast production and distribution processes so easy.
00:00:18
Speaker
Hello and welcome to the Independent Minds, a series of conversations between Abbasida and people who think outside the box about how work works with the aim of creating better workplace experiences for everyone.
00:00:33
Speaker
I'm your host, Michael Millward, the Managing Director of Abbasida.
Guest Introduction: Daniel Tolson
00:00:37
Speaker
In this episode of The Independent Minds, Daniel Tolson is going to be sharing what he describes as the $100 million leadership secret, how emotional intelligence transforms business results.
00:00:52
Speaker
Daniel is based in Taiwan, not a place I have ever visited. But if I ever get the chance to go, i will make all of my travel arrangements with the Ultimate Travel Club.
Sponsor Mention: Ultimate Travel Club
00:01:02
Speaker
because as a member of the Ultimate Travel Club, I have access to trade prices on flights, hotels, trains, holidays, and all sorts of other travel-related purchases.
00:01:15
Speaker
In the spirit of sharing, I have added a link with a built-in discount to the description so that you can also become a member of the Ultimate Travel Club and just like me, travel at trade prices.
00:01:27
Speaker
Now that I have paid some bills, It is time to make an episode of The Independent Minds that will be well worth listening to, liking, downloading and subscribing to, and probably good enough to share with your friends, family and work colleagues as well.
00:01:43
Speaker
As with every episode of The Independent Minds, we will not be telling you what to think. but we are hoping to make you think.
Daniel's Background and Career Journey
00:01:52
Speaker
Hello, Daniel.
00:01:54
Speaker
Thank you for having me here. What a lovely introduction. Thank you very much. Well practiced, you know, over 100 episodes to get to that. Wow. That sort of introduction. But thank you very much. But now we need to introduce Daniel. Tell me a bit about Daniel.
00:02:11
Speaker
Well, many years ago, my family started businesses. And one of the most memorable one was a porn-broking business. So I get to tell people that my parents were in porn.
00:02:23
Speaker
But it was the type of porn where you ah buy and sell second-hand goods. It's P-A-W-N. P-A-W-N. The local porn stars. And it was a yeah was a wonderful way to understand business because we worked so close to a range of different people. In the morning, we could have people coming in and borrowing money on their personal items and then we could have the wealthiest people in the afternoon coming and buying gold and diamonds and then you might have a local real estate agent pointing his BMW to pay wages and then a couple of hours later he'd come back and pay his interest and get his car back and his team were happy.
00:03:07
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So I've been around business my entire life, including mushroom farming. My family employed more than 550 people in the Sydney area.
00:03:17
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And I've worked on the farm and in the capacity as a consultant there for more than 35 years, along with some leadership experience at Emirates Airline when I co-led a team of 17,500 captain crew. was a senior flight steward. So I've seen a lot of business and seen the best and the worst sides of it.
00:03:37
Speaker
You've certainly had a very varied career then, but how did you end up in Taiwan? Because I've noticed from your accent that you're definitely Australian. and I can put on the Taiwanese accent if you like, but I'm not sure if anybody will know what I'm saying because I don't know what I'm saying in Chinese most of the time.
00:03:58
Speaker
Well, how did I end up here? Well, I was on a flight from Dubai to Johannesburg and I was working with Emirates airline and I, yeah um, hopped on the aircraft. There was 17 cabin crew and 400 customers. And I took a fancy to one of the female cabin crew.
00:04:16
Speaker
Uh, she was cute. She was Oriental. I thought to myself, I better talk to her. And as it goes, I tried to talk to her and she wouldn't talk to me. So I chased her around the aircraft for the next two days. Finally, she agreed to go on a date with me. And I said to her, I said, this is going to be the last date you ever go on.
00:04:36
Speaker
She said, are you some type of serial killer? I said, no, it's going to be so good that you'll want to stay with me. And so I met my wife on a yeah flight to Johannesburg and then our second date, we actually spent a day in the slums of Bangladesh. Wow.
00:04:53
Speaker
So that was the early days and then eventually after she had an accident on the aircraft which left her with a permanent disability, ah we eventually left Dubai and came to Taiwan on our way back to Australia and we eventually got to Australia and turned around and came back to Taiwan. And that was 14 years ago.
00:05:12
Speaker
Okay.
Understanding Emotional Intelligence
00:05:13
Speaker
You're an expert now in emotional intelligence, and you seem to apply to some of that inure in finding your wife or the chase. I'm not sure you should tell an HR person that you were chasing around the aircraft.
00:05:26
Speaker
That's something I need to need to talk to you about privately. But you're married, you're in Taiwan, you discovered emotional intelligence. What is emotional intelligence?
00:05:39
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Well, a lot of people throw it around as a buzzword. And I don't think a lot of people even understand what it is. I'd agree with you. We knew what it was when we were in the porn shop. It was being street smart.
00:05:51
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And porn brokers, we had to be able to quickly read the emotional makeup of people who were coming into our business. We understood that there was criminals out there and there were also very good people.
00:06:05
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And we didn't want to embarrass anybody or or ourself by making claims or statement that weren't true. So we learned to read people really well. And it was also a dangerous business. You know, I had people come in there with guns and knives and attempt to assault us over the years.
00:06:21
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But it was our ability to de-escalate those situations. And I de-escalated many situations. And it wasn't because of my size or my weapon was bigger than theirs.
00:06:33
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It was that I could find a common ground and communicate emotionally with somebody who was irate. So we learned it at the street level. It was being street smart.
00:06:44
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And I really think that's what emotional intelligence is. But the first component of it is knowing yourself. It's knowing your strengths. It's knowing your blind spots. It's understanding your limits.
00:06:56
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And as porn brokers, we had a very successful business for 17 years. ah you know, almost 20 years since we've closed down the business, we can still walk down the street with our head high and our former clients will still cross the street to come and say hello.
00:07:10
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And the difference was it was they were treated with respect and dignity where they wouldn't get that from the other businesses in the area. So that's how I view it. There's five pillars and maybe you'll have time to explore those too.
00:07:24
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Well, let's talk about the five pillars of emotional intelligence. What are they? Recently, Harvard University released a report and they said that 95% of leaders claim to be emotionally intelligent, yet only 10 to 15% actually are.
00:07:44
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And if we all reflected on our careers, I think we could almost unanimously agree with that statistic. And most leaders, they aren't self-aware. And the first pillar of emotional intelligence is self-awareness.
00:07:58
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And it's understanding why you think and feel the way that you do. And just because we're business owners, it doesn't presuppose that we're emotionally intelligent.
00:08:09
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It's not an inborn attribute. It's something that we have to formally learn along the way. And one of the best ways to learn why you think and feel the way that you do is to use assessment technology.
00:08:23
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And that's where I started my journey in 2016. I was introduced to assessment technologies that helped me understand my behaviors, helped me understand my intrinsic motivators, and also helped me understand the patterning of my mind and how I made decisions.
00:08:41
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And once I learned about that technology, I knew myself better than I ever had. Strengths that I considered weaknesses quickly flipped around and I was able to use those natural talents and characteristics to benefit my team, but also my business.
00:08:58
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So the first pillar is self-awareness and that's knowing why you think and feel the way that you do. The second pillar of emotional intelligence is self-regulation. And we say that if you can't name it, you can't tame it.
00:09:13
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So if we're feeling a strong emotion like anger and frustration and we can't articulate what we're feeling... we tend to project that on other people. And I think we've all had that experience where the boss has his own pressure and she takes everything out on you.
00:09:30
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But it's not about you. It's just that the boss didn't have the capacity to regulate the emotion. And oftentimes, because you can't name it, you can't tame it.
00:09:42
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The other thing self-regulation is important for is that all of us have bad habits. We get into a mental rut or we get it into a rut in our business. And we've got to be able to get out of that.
00:09:54
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And that's what the self-regulation enables us to do. The third pillar of emotional intelligence is motivation. And I call this the Mike Tyson model of motivation. It's about getting punched in the face every single day, but still moving forward.
00:10:11
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And in Japan, there's an old proverb that says, fall down eight times, get back up nine times. And every business owner has felt that. Every month, every week, sometimes every day, hour to hour. You get knocked down, but you've got to keep getting back up.
00:10:27
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And the motivation here we're talking about is an intrinsic motivation. It's what makes your heart tick. It's not the shiny object. It's not the car or but the physical things.
00:10:38
Speaker
It's the non-physical. It's the intangible reasons why you do what you do. For me, I've always had a vision of helping people. And i know that I have the ups and the downs financially in my business, but there's one thing I get to do every single day is to help.
00:10:54
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So I get intrinsically rewarded. And nobody has to shine a shiny watch or flash the cash in front of me for me to get motivated. I'm intrinsically motivated. Mm-hmm.
00:11:06
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yep The fourth pillar of emotional intelligence is empathy. And empathy is the opposite of self-awareness. It's understanding why other people think and feel the way that they do.
00:11:19
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And a really good leader can see the subtle differences in everybody. And as they start to recognize those subtle differences in everybody, they can start to celebrate true diversity.
00:11:33
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And what I mean by that is I'm a very competitive person. I want to win. The ends justifies the means. And that's one way to get a result. But there's other people who are more collaborative.
00:11:47
Speaker
There's other people who are more team-centric than me. And if I keep going out employing people just like me, I also get all of their bad behaviors and they're all and and their bad attitude as well.
00:11:59
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I know I'm not easy to manage, but if I get more people like me, I've got to manage that. But that's not diversity. Diversity is bringing people in who've got complementary behaviors to yours.
00:12:11
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That makes you a more well-rounded and balanced team. And when we have empathy, we can see the differences in people. The fifth and final pillar is what is called social regulation.
00:12:26
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And this is really important because social regulation is the ability to communicate with others. And leaders are all superior communicators. They don't have to do it all But what they have to be able to do is clearly articulate the vision, the mission, and the purpose.
00:12:46
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And they've got to guide people. And they don't do it with a heavy hand. They do it with a firm voice. They set the agenda. They say, this is where we're going.
00:12:57
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And they guide the people. And they're the five pillars of emotional intelligence. And I think we can all see that those skills are just being street smart. It's a good way to describe it, to sum it up as ah being street smart, yes, to understand yourself is that old adage, I suppose, it's a wise man who understands himself, who knows himself, and what he can of do, what he can't do, and the difference between the two, I suppose. term
00:13:29
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Which one do you see when you're talking to people who are trying to develop their emotional intelligence, which one of those you think people are understand it the most when they arrive?
Challenges in Self-Awareness
00:13:42
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I think empathy he is probably the strongest in a lot of people.
00:13:48
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But what lacks is self-awareness because having so true self-awareness means that you've got to be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
00:13:59
Speaker
And a lot of people aren't prepared to see their flaws. And they think that having a flaw is a bad thing. Having a flaw or a blind spot isn't a bad thing.
00:14:11
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What you've got to be able to do is you've got to first of all recognize it. And you don't have to do everything in business. First of all, you've got to see your limitation. And then as you build your business, you've got to have a look at other people who've got complementary behaviors.
00:14:25
Speaker
And that's tough for people because the first part is that you've got to look at yourself. But it's also the most liberating. I'll give you an example. I was working with a gentleman. He was earning around about $600,000 per year. And he was going to leave the business that he was working at. He was going to walk away from a $600,000 salary.
00:14:47
Speaker
And I asked him, I said, why are you walking away from this salary? He said, because I need a better leader. He said, because I've got as far as I possibly can in this company, in this leadership, but I know to get to the next level in my career, to get to $1.2 million, dollars I need a better leader.
00:15:06
Speaker
Now, the leaders that I were working with were using assessment technology before they brought people into their business. They said, before we interview these people, before we let our biases get in the way, let's just assess their behaviors, their motivators, and how they make decisions.
00:15:26
Speaker
and so I took this gentleman through the process and he looked at me said, Daniel, I can't believe that these people are investing in me and they haven't even given me a job yet. I've been with these blokes down the road for a decade and they haven't spent a dollar on me.
00:15:39
Speaker
said, but these people here are willing to invest in me before they even give me a job. Now, before the process of completing assessment was complete, he was already sold on their leadership approach.
00:15:54
Speaker
Of course, he passed the assessment he joined the company and he made them millions of dollars. But he also was an advocate for the business. And he joined the business and he said to the other team members, have you completed your assessment? And they said, no. And he said, why not?
00:16:07
Speaker
They said, because we're afraid about what we're going to find and discover about ourself. And it might not align with how I really see myself.
00:16:19
Speaker
And he said, that's exactly where the growth occurs. And he encouraged everybody in business to do it. And because he was seen as a leader, the other people started to do the same thing.
00:16:31
Speaker
But that was a talent acquisition strategy of the business. And by doing that, they eliminat eliminated all the people who didn't want to develop their emotional intelligence. Because people would come along and say, I'm not prepared to do that.
00:16:43
Speaker
and they already had their answer. If they're not prepared to look at themselves, how could we possibly give them feedback? And as we say in NLP, breakfast at feedback is the breakfast of champions.
00:16:55
Speaker
And so if you can accept the feedback, then you've got a new opportunity to grow. Yes. I think part of the challenge there, is that large parts of society or the societal conditioning that we live with is
Aligning Career with Talents
00:17:11
Speaker
that the easy option is to try and be like everyone else.
00:17:16
Speaker
So if you're asking people to examine themselves and learn about themselves and what their various different strengths and weaknesses are as a part of their development,
00:17:27
Speaker
It is not an easy ask. You are asking people to forget about, to a large extent, that desire that we all have to fit in, to be part of a society, to be part of a club, for want of better words, and actually be an individual instead.
00:17:48
Speaker
Well, the pain that comes with it is the pain of dissatisfaction. Yes. And when I was in my early career with Emirates Airline, I worked in the economy cabin.
00:18:00
Speaker
Now, I was very good at hospitality. I'd studied hospitality and I loved the job and I wanted to be there. But I'm not a good team player. And the reason why I'm not a good team player is that for most of my life, I've played individual sports.
00:18:14
Speaker
I was an Australian champion wakeboarder. I was a three-time state champion. I was an X Games competitor. and my sport was a solo sport. It was just me, the boat, and the other competitors.
00:18:28
Speaker
And in my early years at Emirates airline, there was a great frustration inside of me because I had to be surrounded and be inside a team. So the first two and a half years of my team of my time with the company came with a lot of internal stress.
00:18:44
Speaker
But I knew within myself that I was better suited for leadership. I was better suited to be outside the team and to direct the team and to be able to get the best out of other people.
00:18:54
Speaker
And that's what I had done through most of my sporting career. To make money along the way, I had to coach other people. So I already knew that I was a better coach. And once I got into a leadership position, I believed that the company got a better return on their time and money invested in me.
00:19:13
Speaker
But also, I had a better return on the investment in myself because I started to use those coaching and leadership skills. And that intrinsic motivation skyrocketed.
00:19:26
Speaker
Because now the career was no longer a conflict. The career aligned with my natural talents and the skills, and it was a performance booster. So why aren't more organizations doing it?
00:19:43
Speaker
I spoke to a friend recently, and you could say he's got a successful business. He's made plenty of money, and he's never had a bad year in the past 20 years. So you'd have to assume he's a good business owner. Mm-hmm.
00:19:54
Speaker
I asked him, I said, do you train your team? He said, no. i said, why not? He said, well, what if I train them and they leave?
00:20:08
Speaker
said, do you mean by that? He said, well, what if I train them to become really good and then they go and start in competition? He said, they've used my money to get better and now they're going to fight for business.
00:20:23
Speaker
said, okay, what else? He said, well, what if I train them and they get better, then they start to ask for more money? I said, okay. I said, so do you train people? He said, no, I don't train people.
00:20:35
Speaker
I said, well, what if you don't train them and these people stay with you for another 10 years and they're all average?
00:20:44
Speaker
Now, we went blood red in the face because he knew exactly what I meant. And I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions in business is that we fear training people because they might leave.
00:20:55
Speaker
We fear training people because they might start up in opposition. But what I've discovered is that when you develop people's skills around emotional intelligence, they start to perform better.
Investing in Employee Development
00:21:10
Speaker
And if they start to perform better and you get a better return on investment, your company's gonna make more money. One leader that I was working with at the family mushroom farm recently, she committed to one year of leadership development, just becoming a better leader, becoming more self-aware, regulating her own emotions,
00:21:29
Speaker
figuring out what really motivates her, understanding empathy in the people in her team better, and also being able to communicate better. Now her department's results went up by 10 to 15% that year.
00:21:44
Speaker
After the company had paid for her training, they also gave her a bonus of about $10,000. And they said, she got so good that we're willing to pay her more because we want her to stay.
00:21:58
Speaker
And when I asked her, I said, how do you feel? She said, Daniel, like I can't believe it. They invested in me. I got better than they paid me more. She said, there's no better deal than that. So I'm going to stay.
00:22:11
Speaker
Yes, it is that that line, I suppose, that you need to invest in your staff and train them so that other people want to employ them, but treat them so well that they they don't want to they're not interested in talking to a potential other employer because the opportunities are so good where they are.
00:22:32
Speaker
And I'm always mindful when these sorts of conversations happen that you have to be aware that one of the biggest reasons why people do leave employment is the lack of opportunities to develop.
00:22:47
Speaker
And what we're talking about isn't necessarily saying, you're doing this particular job, we will train you to be better at that job.
00:22:58
Speaker
What you're talking about is training people to be better at the job of being them.
Impact of Emotional Intelligence in Personal Life
00:23:05
Speaker
And this example I've just shared, she told me, she said, Daniel, because of this training I've become a better mother. I understand my daughter.
00:23:17
Speaker
We don't have conflicts anymore. I'm not trying to push her into things that I want her to do. Instead, I'm encouraging her to do the things that align with her natural strengths.
00:23:30
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She said, coming to work, she said, all those conflicts have now disappeared. All the people problems are disappearing. We don't have challenges, but the people problems are disappearing because I understand me.
00:23:41
Speaker
And because I understand me, I really get other people. And those skills don't have an expiry date. It's not like milk or bread that you put in the fridge for a week and it goes off or moldy.
00:23:55
Speaker
These are life skills. These are transferable. You can use them in your personal life. You can use them in your professional life. You can take them anywhere in the world. And this is why they say emotional intelligence is the biggest predictor of success. They say up to 58% of your success will come down to your emotional intelligence skills.
Success Stories and Techniques
00:24:16
Speaker
And I've seen it. We're talking about the $100 million dollar leadership secret. I was working with a leader from Microsoft. She came and worked with me for a year. She developed her emotional intelligence skills.
00:24:29
Speaker
And in the first 90 days of using these techniques as a leader, she increased her sales at Microsoft by 138 million Malaysian ringgits. Wow.
00:24:41
Speaker
million malaysian ringot no And I said, what did you do differently? She said, I got out of my own way.
00:24:52
Speaker
I stopped being held back by my own blind spots and I started to use my natural strengths and talents. Really what she was saying was she took off the mask and she showed the real person.
00:25:06
Speaker
And those were the talents that helped her team cross to the finishing line on $138 million ringgits in new sales. That's good news. And congratulations to her and to you for helping her to get to that point.
00:25:23
Speaker
But, you know. There's always something that is the big danger with everything. What is the big danger, the thing that most often goes wrong when people try to get involved and learn and understand more about emotional intelligence? Where have you seen people falling down?
00:25:44
Speaker
i think the old saying, ignorance is bliss, is king.
00:25:51
Speaker
Most people... They look at the mirror and they see the true reflection. And for some of them, they don't like it.
00:26:02
Speaker
So they go and try to rip the mirror off the wall. And I think that's the biggest challenge is that it is a bit of a rabbit hole. But if you're a leader, it's your job to lead. If you want people to be emotionally intelligent, you have to lift the lid and you've got to go first. It was like Napoleon and Bonaparte.
00:26:25
Speaker
He had a fingertip feel on his battlefield. He was a leader who would ride his horse out to the front line. He would be out there dodging the bullets. And he was emotionally intelligent. He knew the feeling of his men on the front line.
00:26:42
Speaker
And that's why they were loyal. And so if we want loyalty from our team members and we want to be able to grow a very successful business, we've got to have that fingertip feel.
00:26:53
Speaker
We've got to be street smart and we have to be emotionally intelligent. It's very interesting. You've certainly made me think, Daniel, and I am grateful for you helping me to make such an interesting episode of The Independent Minds. Thank you very much.
00:27:12
Speaker
My pleasure. Thank you. I am Michael Millward, the Managing Director of Abbasida. I have been having a conversation with The Independent Mind, Daniel Tolson, owner of the $100 million secret about emotional intelligence.
Additional Resources and Promotions
00:27:30
Speaker
You can find out more about both of us by using the links in the description. but Daniel, please tell me, what is the web address of your website? Come and visit me, danieltolson.com. It's as simple and as straightforward as that.
00:27:45
Speaker
Thank you very much. Thank you. If you are going to get involved in emotional intelligence and understanding yourself, one of the things that you will probably become aware of is your physical and mental health as well.
00:27:57
Speaker
And one of the best ways to understand that more is by having a health check. That is why we recommend the annual health check, which is operated by York's test.
00:28:09
Speaker
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00:28:26
Speaker
The annual health test is conducted by an experienced phlebotomist who will complete a full blood draw at your home or workplace. Hospital standard tests are carried out in a UKAS accredited and CQC compliant laboratory.
00:28:40
Speaker
You can access your easy to understand results and guidance to help you make effective lifestyle changes anytime by your secure personal wellness hub account. There is, as you would expect, a link and a discount code in the description.
00:28:55
Speaker
I am sure that you will have enjoyed listening to this episode of The Independent Minds as much as Daniel and I have enjoyed making it. So please give it a like and download it so you can listen anytime, anywhere.
00:29:07
Speaker
To make sure you don't miss out on future episodes, please subscribe.
Episode Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:29:12
Speaker
You will probably also want to share the link with your family, friends and work colleagues as well. Remember, the aim of all the podcasts produced by Abbasida is not to tell you what to think, but we do hope to have made you think.
00:29:25
Speaker
Until the next episode of The Independent Minds, thank you for listening and goodbye.