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Book Club: The House of my Mother by Shari Franke, Part Four, Part Three
77 Plays3 months ago
We continue talking through part four of Shari's book. Please note that we had to end our recording session abruptly before finishing part four, and then it was the end-of-the-school year shenanigans and traveling, and we couldn't find time to record. Sooooooo we'll finish the last two chapters of part four next episode and tag it at the begging of part five.
Check out our YouTube channel, Fixate Today: Grey Matters
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Transcript
Introduction to Part Four
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everyone, welcome back to the channel. We are still walking through Sherry Franke's book, The House of My Mother. we are continuing on in part four.
Control and Depression in Sherry's Life
00:00:11
Speaker
we ended with Jodi going back to her home in Ivan's and Derek's control over Sherry really ramping up and her depression taking hold again um because of all the things that And at this point with her away at school, she has seemed to be able to separate herself from the family life and for good or bad, ah you know, yeah from her standpoint.
00:00:38
Speaker
But so Derek becomes a little bit more of the focus at this Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Confrontation with Derek
00:00:43
Speaker
All right. Chapter 31, Poisoned Well. One day as Derek and I sat in his office, the curtains drawn, I tried meekly to confront him and address our situation.
00:00:54
Speaker
It took all the courage I had. I don't know if this is right, Derek. I said slowly, my heart racing. It shouldn't be here, right? Not like this. What if someone finds out? It would be terrible for everyone.
00:01:07
Speaker
yeah He's so gross.
Derek's Manipulation and Church Status
00:01:09
Speaker
So we find out that Derek is an elder and the church. I think maybe we knew that before, but I can't remember. Like there was just maybe a title blurb, but I had, I had right before this, actually i had been thinking about that. whoa what, how's this working with the church?
00:01:25
Speaker
Yeah. um So he uses that again. on the one hand, he's like unlikely to get into trouble himself, but he says like he's in charge for spiritual and temporal well-being of the men in my forum.
00:01:40
Speaker
i always forgot how to say that word. So I don't know the LDS. So is that he like a different church altogether or within their church? Are there separate I think the worm is like, it's almost like a school zone. You know what i mean? like But it's not a physically a different, you think they still worship in the same physical space i think so i think so and it's just like uh this zone of people perhaps or like area geographically so this like kind of sherry's like it's true you know he wouldn't jeopardize his standing and it says suddenly i felt very ill do you think that's because she realizes this is going to go down worse for her than it is him he's not going to have the consequences she has
00:02:27
Speaker
Or he can hold this over her.
Struggles with Validation and Family
00:02:30
Speaker
I think it um is almost like a realization that even though it feels so wrong to her, the way he's justifying it is she's like, maybe it's not wrong, but it feels awful.
00:02:47
Speaker
And sos so it's kind of like, I guess this is what it has to be. If it were wrong, we'd he'd stop. because But yeah, if that makes sense. Yeah. Okay, yeah. She goes on to say, like, now with, I mean, honestly, she has almost no relationship with her family, right?
00:03:03
Speaker
And she says she was, like, addicted to the scraps of validation he gave. Yeah. The morsels of support. Like, that, like, I don't think she's made close friends at school.
00:03:14
Speaker
She doesn't have her family. Yeah. I mean, and anyone who's sort of had somebody fall in love and even with their obsessive and all that, it feels good a little bit. Yeah. She's getting the attention and the validation.
00:03:26
Speaker
he was the only one who knew how messed up it all was. The only one telling me I wasn't crazy, wasn't making it all and up in my head.
00:03:37
Speaker
um i Speaking toward her relationship with her family. i I needed that lifeline, that hint of warmth yeah in a world that felt hard and unforgiving.
00:03:48
Speaker
But it was confusing, crazy making. hu She says a rational mind ah knew that what she was doing was wrong, while her traumatized mind convinced her to stay and be quiet and compliant.
00:04:05
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. So in ah moment of... She says desperation. She texted Ruby. She needed help. She texted her mom for help.
00:04:16
Speaker
um Says it took Ruby 24 hours to respond. ah she In the text, she says, Mom, I feel like you don't care about me. You never answer the phone when I call.
00:04:27
Speaker
But I know you're always talking to Jodi. I just feel ignored and I feel like you don't love me. So even like she still didn't say like this is happening at school and I need help. It turned into I feel like just seeking that quote love that Derek is giving her.
00:04:43
Speaker
She's just trying to seek it out from someone. And like putting her toe in the water. Yeah.
Isolation and Failed Outreach
00:04:48
Speaker
Testing to see if she's going to get anything from yeah from Ruby before because If she can't even get that, then how can she trust just speaking to Ruby about really what all what what's going on?
00:05:00
Speaker
um Immediately she says, what have I done? So the next day, Ruby decided to grace me with a response. And she uses like the connections lingo. She's like, there's a lot of aggression in your text.
00:05:12
Speaker
A lot of resentment. I'm going to invite you to invite me to talk about this with you in person. Oh, that's another term that they throw around a lot. lot of lot about inviting. Mm-hmm.
00:05:26
Speaker
But he's like, I'm going to invite you to invite me to dinner. it's so dumb. So she did. She was like, okay, I'll invite you. And Ruby accepted. and She met Ruby and Kevin um for dinner.
00:05:40
Speaker
Ruby took over immediately, called her very selfish for the text. And Sherry just like kind of folds into herself. Like this has completely backfired. Yeah. I think she had higher, somewhat high hopes for maybe this being. Yeah.
00:05:54
Speaker
And maybe with Kevin there too, like thinking. Yeah. What she's like dancing around is like she wants to tell her parents about Derek. Yeah. And there's no so no room for that. And knowing that um when she when Ruby says, what was your motive in sending me that text, Sherry?
00:06:10
Speaker
She has no idea how big the motive is or the need is. Even at that, she's shutting her down. And, you know, there's just no way that Sherry feels she can make that leap if she's talking to her in this way before she has any idea big.
00:06:31
Speaker
how significant yeah of a position that. So by the time dessert came out, Sherry was sobbing and apologizing like that like the dinner with Ruby and Jodi thing happening again.
00:06:44
Speaker
her Ruby thanks her for allowing her to teach Sherry truth and says, and since you're an adult now, we'd like to invite you to pay for dinner. It's just like another like kick while she's down. do think um there was something interesting that Ruby says, and that is Sherry, I need you to really examine your motives because it feels to me like you're hiding something.
Education and Realization of Abuse
00:07:12
Speaker
Maybe there still is that maternal part of you that still can see that i don't know instinct yeah like that instant that instinct is still like kind of there so they made it through she did pay for dinner Yep.
00:07:25
Speaker
She said she started after that just like doubting everything. She's paranoid about everything. She's just like she just doesn't know anything anymore.
00:07:35
Speaker
Every scenario going through her head is just scary. She started questioning if she even knew what was real. um She stopped going to class, which is like Sherry's overachiever.
00:07:47
Speaker
And she's not going to class. She says her body is reacting with physical symptoms now. And she starts, like, she starts wondering what would happen without her family, without her siblings. She feels like Ruby's already, like, turning them against her.
00:08:03
Speaker
And um that if she dare stand up to Ruby any further, that she would fully take that yeah relationship with her siblings away forever Yeah.
00:08:18
Speaker
And through it all, Derek is still there in her ear all the time, asking, saying, let me help you. I know how messed up this is. Everything is so wrong. And she realizes, she says, he had my number the first time we met.
00:08:33
Speaker
I think. I think one of the saddest parts is she says, what would happen? well What would my life look like without my family? Like trying to just truly imagining that. And immediately i knew i'd rather endure this soul crushing depression for the rest of my life.
00:08:50
Speaker
Then risk losing them. Yep. She said, you know, her whole life now she's kind of looking back, realized that between Ruby and Derek, she's never had autonomy. She's never like her body, her thoughts, her spirit, like nothing has been just hers.
00:09:10
Speaker
And then she says, what irony? Well, all this was happening. I was studying abuse of power in my college classes. learning about the dynamics of coercion, about the ways in which abusers groom and manipulate their victims.
00:09:23
Speaker
But even as intellectualized these concepts, even as I wrote papers and participated in discussions about the insidious nature of abuse, I was unable to apply that knowledge to my own life. My brain wouldn't let me go there.
00:09:35
Speaker
And she says, Derek, Ruby, and Jodi are all the same. And she says, poisonous adults. But you can't fully, fully go there. and No, no, she can't disengage from that.
00:09:48
Speaker
All right. Chapter 32. Seeds of
Seeking External Support: Therapy
00:09:51
Speaker
healing. Okay. A little positivity. Yeah. It was one of those picture perfect early summer days. The kind that feels like a slap in the face when your life is falling apart. Just a pause there.
00:10:04
Speaker
You know those days. You know those exact days, don't you? Yeah. she I hope she writes more, even if it's not like about her life. She's such a good writer. um So Sherry is meeting with her bishop, who tells her she needs therapy.
00:10:18
Speaker
And Sherry just kind of like, she's like, I've done it before. she She said she was happy in therapy, but but her mother won't let her, and she's on her family's insurance.
00:10:29
Speaker
She's still like, she's out of the house, but she's under her thumb. ah and And the bishop does say, don't worry about that, that the church can take care of it and that they will yeah cover whatever you need, no questions asked. And that is what a church should do.
00:10:44
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, so, I mean, I do admire that her bishop was as good to her and that it was he was someone to she could turn to.
00:10:55
Speaker
Yeah. I'm glad she had that in her life. And I think she recognizes- For now. Yeah. She recognizes that. I'm glad at that point. Yeah. So she sees ah starts seeing a new therapist named Dana.
00:11:07
Speaker
Dana asks, what are your hopes for therapy? What are your concerns? And it's just like, that is a big question. Where to start? And she downplays it like she always has. She says things at home aren't great.
00:11:23
Speaker
She calls when when Dana pushes for more, she says her mother is very intense and controlling. She feels like she doesn't like her. And when Dana asks for an example, Sherry kind of goes off and is like, where do I even start? And then can't stop the words from pouring out.
00:11:39
Speaker
She says, I just don't know how much more I can take. Yeah. And it's the first time that somebody, an adult with some authority over her says you are being abused. It's emotional abuse.
00:11:54
Speaker
And then she starts going through the things like the don't be so dramatic, Sherry, as if like somebody told Ruby she was being abusive. That's what she would say. um But Dana is saying it.
Therapeutic Progress and Self-Awareness
00:12:08
Speaker
A real doctor. I knew she was right. I'd known for a long time.
00:12:11
Speaker
And she whispers, thank you. She's always made me feel like I was just being too selfish or too sensitive, too selfish. My last therapist thought I was making everything up.
00:12:23
Speaker
And Dana quick figures out that. It was Ruby who told Sherry that, not the therapist actually in person. i I can understand that. I've always been told my whole life that I'm too sensitive.
00:12:37
Speaker
not Maybe not I'm not told I'm too selfish. maybe people But I've always been told I'm too sensitive, which is funny because I think in some ways I'm not. However. No, I hate that. I am autistic. So really you have your sensitivity to a lot of things is odd.
00:12:52
Speaker
yeah is ah elevated, but, but in my, I don't know. Cause I've always thought I, I don't feel a lot of emotions. So always thought it was interesting when, was always told the it was too sensitive.
00:13:04
Speaker
No, that's the same thing as saying you're too emotional. it's No, it's – I feel like when people say that, it's usually to women. And it is a way to dismiss ah being called out for bad behavior, if that makes sense.
00:13:19
Speaker
Yeah. It's the same as like, I'm just joking. You can't take a joke. And usually that means it was at your expense. Yeah. No, I get that. But on the other side, I really feel like I am like like the world's most – controlled emotions and I don't even see that as a bad thing like I know so that's why it's so ironic but and I think when you are very emotionally controlled then you do something you step out of that then it really stands out to people yeah it's like it and whoa yeah yeah I so i understand that too sorry that was
00:13:53
Speaker
Tangent. off that Personal life. So despite like she just everything tumbles out of her about her mother. um She can't talk about Derek. She's not ready to go there yet.
00:14:05
Speaker
She says that she has one person she can confide in but then really like cuts it off. But I think da Dana's starting to sense that there's something more there but also knows it's not time to push her. Right. She needs to build her trust.
00:14:24
Speaker
So your opinion. What do you think? Which of these issues do you think is more salient for her to address first, the family or the Derek?
00:14:36
Speaker
I think in terms of her own safety, it's Derek. But because she's at school, I think it's safer for her mentally to deal with her family because she's not in the house, if that makes sense.
00:14:52
Speaker
um And we're not to the point that she's truly afraid of her siblings' physical safety. She knows bad things are going on. Yeah.
00:15:04
Speaker
And so it's a little bit easier, I think, to deal with the ruby of it all because i don't think it's as shameful also. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah, yeah.
00:15:16
Speaker
Your mother being horrible not as shameful as, you know, what's going on with Derek. Right. And I think it's laying the foundation to understand who she is, where she's coming from, how this happened. Right.
00:15:28
Speaker
why so yeah even if she probably doesn't know that yeah consciously i think consciously you're right i think it has do shame right right but she is starting to see that dana is safe and her office is a safe place which she needs so much yeah yeah and i feel like she has the same like i my therapist has told me that i am like self-aware to a fault like i'm so self-aware And I feel like Sherry has some of that too.
00:15:57
Speaker
Like she recognizes that Dana recognizes not to push. And um she understands about herself. She's not ready to get into something. and And it's just like there's a lot of self-awareness, which I think goes to, you know, she has that and gut instinct that has always been right. She seems to have found the right therapist.
00:16:19
Speaker
Yes, very much so. right, on to chapter 33. Puppets and Puppeteers.
Family Dynamics and Tensions
00:16:27
Speaker
In June 2022, between my freshman and sophomore years, the Frankies gathered for our annual photo shoot, the last time the eight of us would ever be in the same place again as a family.
00:16:40
Speaker
Yeah, just um you never realize that that's your last moment. Yeah, I do this thing ah where like somebody, like I always have the thing in my head that like you never know the last time you pick up your kid, like physically pick up your kid. And so my oldest kid is like significantly taller than me.
00:16:58
Speaker
And I'll just like get in front of them and pull their arms and like hoist them on my back. and i'm like, I still picked you up.
00:17:06
Speaker
Yeah, we have a family that's got a little ah conflict in it and I do wonder that I'm trying to i'm trying to actually think about the last time we were all together i know and and i do think i I have the last picture were all together which was a hilarious picture of us trying to jump on the beach but but yeah like yeah and I don't think we'll have one again alright not to dwell on that All right. So that's sad.
00:17:38
Speaker
um And then, yeah but also awkward. Yeah. Well, what I was going to say, like, I think there is kind of a hopeful side to that of it's not going to be the same going forward, but you get to kind of decide then who who you want in the next family photo.
00:17:55
Speaker
And it's not going to be forced. It's going to be what makes you happy and what makes, you know. Yeah. I think there's a little bit of hope in that. Yeah. I agree. Yeah. She says the photographer tried to coax Kevin and Ruby into a kiss.
00:18:10
Speaker
Ruby flat out refused, turned away from him as though she he was a stranger. She couldn't even fake one kiss. Yeah. um I do like she did not want the dog in the pictures.
00:18:23
Speaker
And the entire family was like, the dog's in the picture, mom. that's the They all came together to stand up to her about the dog. And it's just like, I wish they recognized that they could have done that.
00:18:36
Speaker
Yeah. They could have like banded together for something yeah against her. Because Kevin didn't fight about, Kevin didn't back Ruby up with the dog. Yeah. Yeah.
00:18:46
Speaker
I don't know if he participated in like getting the dog into it with the kids, but he didn't back her up. Like, I think if they all could somehow figure out how to be united, Kevin would have gone yeah with them, you know?
00:19:02
Speaker
It's just hard to, it's hard to unite. Absolutely. Especially when there's so much like they're being told so many things. Everybody's being told these wild things, but. ah I love the result was the most awkward family photos in the history of family photos.
00:19:17
Speaker
No amount of Photoshop could ever fix that. Even Dwight, the dog, ah looked a little off like he could sense the tension radiating from us in waves.
00:19:29
Speaker
He knew the ship was sinking when he saw one. Yeah. And Sherry says she she and Chad kind of looked at each other in the car ride home. And there was like this silent understanding that something has changed that can never be fixed.
00:19:45
Speaker
They still have that little bit of connection. Yeah. On this, which you'd hope they could maintain. hmm. throughout um after the photo shoot they are talking about their annual summer trip as a family they go up to the mountains but this year they decided chad and the two youngest kids have been too selfish to come along and she says because nothing says family bonding like excluding half of the family
00:20:16
Speaker
And why do I feel like it was the two younger kids that were being punished and then but Chad they needed someone to watch? Right. I think so too. So they found a reason for Chad to be bad. um Yeah. ah Sherry declined to attend, citing classes.
00:20:32
Speaker
But one day, while the rest of the family, so it's just the Kevin, Ruby, and the two middle kids, right? On this family vacation? Yeah. So I think Sherry was asked to kind of come and go to kind of check on the kids i while they were gone so I guess there's still not 100% of trust in chat yeah right and she asked if she could get like if her dad or her parents would give her some gas money since she'd be driving back and forth on a tight budget and Kevin agreed to that yeah
00:21:05
Speaker
So then when she, when Kevin invited and Sherry to come up for the day, um she said that she'd like to, I should also say this is a group text with Kevin, Ruby, Chad, and Sherry.
00:21:17
Speaker
She says they'd love to come, but says, by the way, are you still willing to help with gas? um And then kevin Kevin's response was swift and cold. No, Sherry, you have plenty of money for gas and we have offered to purchase your lunch. If somebody invites you to join them at an event, it's brazen and impolite to ask them to pay for your gas if someone not not a few parents if someone yeah yep and she's just like okay you said you would ah few months ago and the response is there i hope you can see the difference like these two things are different uh and then like accusing of making money like the most important part of the relationship we're talking to tank a tank of gas probably not even a tank of gas
00:22:00
Speaker
Right, right. And she's like, Kevin has never talked to me like this before, but it sounded exactly like something Ruby would say. It had her fingerprints all over it, her signature blend of holier-than-thou rhetoric and connection-style criticism.
00:22:13
Speaker
But coming from my dad, it felt like a knife to my heart. So you were looking, is it projection? Is it foreshadowing? For sure. I, well, and I even suspect that Ruby grabbed his phone.
00:22:25
Speaker
Ah. I didn't think of that. Yeah. I think she, text I think she took over the texting. Kevin didn't stop her. So it is the same as coming from Kevin. I think you're right.
00:22:37
Speaker
Yeah. That was my thought. Yeah. So then Sherry says she like tried to just diffuse the situation and, you know, I've been saying and I've been trying to keep on a budget. So it's just something that I'm aware of, but I'd be happy to spend the gas money in order to, to spend time with my siblings and family relationships.
00:22:55
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that is a perfectly lovely response. very mature. Like, yeah. And then Ruby chimed in
00:23:05
Speaker
Basically says that response isn't good enough. More or less. it' It's just like, oh It's just like the wild ways they spin things. Can you see that what dad offered you was not advice?
00:23:16
Speaker
like who cares? Like, he's giving you feedback on your presentation. Right. Which means you're right. Like, was it her? And is she complimenting herself in saying that?
00:23:28
Speaker
mm-hmm okay responded not knowing what else to say and she's like she this is the like final moment that she's like i can't talk to my father he's you know become utterly spineless nice i like it she says kevin had about as much autonomy as a wet noodle in a hurricane Yeah.
Kevin's Diminished Autonomy
00:23:50
Speaker
With meticulous precision, Jodi had finished the job, dismantling the last remnants of Kevin's independence, stripping away layer after layer until nothing remained but a pliant puppet waiting for her command.
00:24:02
Speaker
With all her pieces in place, Jodi was poised to make her final move to eliminate Kevin completely. She's good. I know. She's good. and wish anyone listened to her.
00:24:14
Speaker
Chapter 34, Facsimile Father. As a high-ranking member of Connections, Kevin was duty-bound to make his weekly confessions to Jodi, each call a ruthless dissection of his psyche, picking apart the carcass of what remained of his self-worth, just like my sessions with Jodi had been.
00:24:34
Speaker
So Kevin's still doing his connections calls, but once the golden boy, he is now, ah he's just, he's being subjugated to, he's being told everything he's doing is wrong. He's, he's, nothing has changed, I feel like, except that he's been more compliant, but that is not. too im Yeah. yeah And everything revolves around negative problems, yeah issues. Yeah.
00:24:59
Speaker
I wonder at this point if they're still having the ah like in-person group meetings as much, or if now she's leaning more into the channel, the creating videos.
00:25:13
Speaker
I haven't heard much about other people's involvement at this point. but Yeah, I don't know. And I suppose maybe Sherry wouldn't know. you She wasn't at home. So Jodi's weaponized this particular moment from Sherry's childhood that she was five. She didn't want to eat what Ruby had made for dinner. So she hid under the table refusing to eat.
00:25:33
Speaker
And at the end of dinner, Kevin snuck her a bowl of ice cream. And it made him a hero to her because she's so hungry. And Sherry said that memory had always made me smile until he told Jodi about it.
00:25:48
Speaker
Oh, it's heartbreaking because everyone's got that moment. Yeah. That little connection of yep him sneaking something to her she needed. Mm-hmm. Like she's just got, she's in everything.
00:26:01
Speaker
She's, she's taken over. She's in everything. Jodi says, do you see how you are being entitled in that moment? She told Kevin, giving her ice cream undermining Ruby's ah authority as a mother. Mm-hmm.
00:26:17
Speaker
And then she starts going into the sex addiction that she does with a lot of these men, saying that, like, noticing a woman at the gym, speaking to a female co-worker are all signs of lust.
00:26:33
Speaker
Proof of his extreme distortion. Mm-hmm. What is it with the women in the gym? i always feel like... I don't know. always feel like when I... They always talk about noticing the women at the gym. I don't know.
00:26:48
Speaker
So Jodi is now able to use Kevin's thoughts against him in any way. Everything can be used as a weapon. She would pull out she would kind of twist things into or distort things into being shameful, even if just like a benign memory.
00:27:05
Speaker
um And we, we learned this with Adam Steed too. She did the same thing. he She even says Jodi saw sex everywhere in every interaction, every glance, every fleeting thought.
00:27:16
Speaker
I know. Just so strange. Cause I don't think, I don't think of her as a particularly lustful whore. Well, at least externally, I think but Sherry says ah part of me pitied her a repressed self loathing deeply damaged woman trapped in an environment which she felt compelled to conceal her true nature surrounded by women she couldn't have.
Support from the Heymans
00:27:40
Speaker
Yeah. Women who were married to men she resented. In her mind, there was only one path to justice. Crush the sperm donors and liberate the females. oh That's, I guess, sums it up very well.
00:27:53
Speaker
So it got to the point that, like, Jodi's even accusing him of lustful thoughts and hugging his own daughters. Which is just sickening.
00:28:03
Speaker
But didn't, with Adam Stee, didn't he she go there with him, too? Can you see how messed up it was when you gave your girls those hugs? You enjoyed it, didn't you? Jodi would ask.
00:28:14
Speaker
So then he's got to be quite like he is questioning every single interaction he has with anybody in his whole world. Because at this point, he's so brainwashed. He just doesn't have the ability to to believe like, of course.
00:28:28
Speaker
Right. No. Right. Of course not. And he believes a bit of this because it's coming from her. Yeah. Yep. So it's causing, yeah, shame in him, the shame, the fear, the sickening idea that he might not be a safe person for his own children to be around, which I hadn't thought of before, but because he soon will be sent away from his family.
00:28:50
Speaker
him was that part of the reason, part of the justification for why he needed to go from Jodi's standpoint? Hadn't really thought about that. I think for sure. I think she got him to believe that he wasn't safe. Yeah.
00:29:06
Speaker
So she goes into the, like, this is what Jodi does. There's a pattern. And it was only a matter time before the supposed perpetrator would be invited to leave.
00:29:20
Speaker
But we get a bit of um light now talking about the Haymans. Mr. Hayman, the teacher that way back when she was in school, she did confess to what life was like with with Ruby at the time. And he was a very safe person.
00:29:37
Speaker
And that summer, Mr. Hayman and his wife realized how bad things were for her at home. One day, Mrs. Heyman pressed a shiny new key into my palm. Sherry, sweetie, she said with she said, her eyes filled with warmth and concern.
00:29:51
Speaker
You're always welcome here anytime. Our home is your home. Now, I do think that this is one point in this in the writing of the story where it was a little confusing and there was a little break in the storyline.
00:30:03
Speaker
In fact, we had talked about before Mr. Heyman being the teacher that she was comfortable with. um we i think both of us didn't fully put together that was the same Heymans later. i like I don't feel like we understood that there was a friendship um going on right right somewhere here in the background or how she got reacquainted.
00:30:25
Speaker
yeah Yeah, yeah. Like an ongoing connection. But it becomes one of the most important connections in her life. but they Yeah, I think still. So the Heymans actually had taken a connections course before.
00:30:40
Speaker
And they they quickly dismissed it as dumb and dropped out after a few weeks. They could see straight through it Yep. They had a daughter who was close to her age and they like they but became very close as well.
00:30:53
Speaker
And she said because they had at least this tiny connection to connections, that exposure proved invaluable because it gave them just enough insight to understand the world that she was trapped in. Yeah.
00:31:08
Speaker
Without being pulled into its orbit. Mm-hmm. I'm glad that they had a little bit of an idea. Again, they saw it for what it was, but just having that glance yeah of it helped them to be able to understand um Sherry's concerns. Yeah.
00:31:26
Speaker
So their home is her safe place. So one day, I love this. I plop down on the Heyman's cozy living room couch. That's just like such a, this is my home thing, you know? Yeah.
00:31:37
Speaker
And she's never had this feeling. Yeah. and Yeah. um And as she did, ah she got a phone call from Kevin. He asked, are you alone? she said, yeah, why? I replied, un-ease creeping up my spine. She said, your mom and I need to talk to you. And then she realized she was on speakerphone and Ruby was there. He's like very hesitant to say this, but he finally says, your mom has invited me to leave the family home so I can work on
Kevin's Departure and Sherry's Refuge
00:32:02
Speaker
myself. He said, his voice cracking, once I'm better, I'll come back and we can be a family again. I'll be gone at least a year. This is so crazy.
00:32:11
Speaker
And she knows it. Yeah. And I think even at this moment, he knows it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. So he. I think as time goes by, starts weirdly accepting it.
00:32:22
Speaker
But um I think so, too. Yeah. I can just picture that gut, that sinking feeling in her gut when she hears this. Yeah.
00:32:33
Speaker
So he says that Chad is also leaving. um They've been asked invited to leave, but not together. They have to be separate when they leave together. That's something so strange.
00:32:44
Speaker
I don't know why find that part strange. Yeah, that they weren't allowed to move out together. They had to be. Well, it's the isolation thing. Well, what's exactly the reason for Chad leaving, being asked to leave?
00:32:58
Speaker
They never really get into that. that no but yes and then yeah it obviously it's the isolation thing but I mean at this point Chad's only 17 he's not he's not 18 yet no he was still a minor when he left So he also then says he will not be communicating with any of the other kids, only Sherry.
00:33:21
Speaker
And he asks, how are you feeling about this? And she says, confused. He says, I understand, but this isn't the end of our family. It's the beginning. The beginning.
00:33:32
Speaker
The word echoed in my mind, hollow and meaningless. So the Heymans come home and find her curled up in the fetal position. Just sobbing. They didn't ask questions. They helped me to the guest room and told me I was safe. ah do a good They do a good job of knowing exactly where to how to handle her and how quickly to... Yeah.
00:33:52
Speaker
Yeah. help But the next day, there's another message from Kevin um saying... That now he and Chad are going to ask that she doesn't speak with them either.
00:34:04
Speaker
Says, don't be selfish about this and don't hold resentment for this. Yeah. He, he, she was being cut off. Just complete and everyone just complete isolation of everyone.
00:34:16
Speaker
So that, yep. Because as you said, if they had just created that United front, like they, they did when they insisted the dog be in the family picture, they could be powerful.
00:34:28
Speaker
they could have overcome the situation. Yep. It's a cult tactic. She's isolating everybody. It really is. She says the Heyman's guest room became my cocoon. So she's just staying in this room with not being able to figure out anything, just knowing Jodi is behind it all.
00:34:43
Speaker
So we have a journal entry. and went to counseling today and talked it through. I'm so angry with my dad for not sticking up for himself and abandoning his family. And I'm furious at mom and Jodi for ruining our family.
00:34:55
Speaker
I feel like a part of me has died and I will never get it back. I don't know how I'll ever recover or forgive them. I don't know how to help my siblings. I don't even know how to help myself.
00:35:06
Speaker
She's just desperate at this point. She's at a definite low point. Yeah. Yeah. um So she's like in grief. And after a week, Ruby reaches out and asks in a text, how are you doing with all of this?
00:35:20
Speaker
And she's like shocked she contacted her at all. Yeah. I'm i'm shocked she contacted her at all. Yeah. She said she's really having a hard time. She's really sad. And Ruby says her response was as comforting as a bucket of ice water.
00:35:34
Speaker
And she tells her to use this as an opportunity to become more humble. And like, nothing makes sense. Sherry's like, I don't even know what that means. She stops responding.
00:35:45
Speaker
A few days late later, Ruby suggested we meet for lunch to discuss the situation. What's there to discuss, I thought bitterly. You've kicked dad out because you're obsessed with Jodi.
00:35:59
Speaker
Now the rest of us are left to pick up the pieces. Yeah. But so bravely, she declines the invitation. And she sets her own boundary.
00:36:09
Speaker
Text is what I'm available to do right now. And Ruby says my concern is texting leaves a lot open to misinterpretation. That seems that seems like an understatement, if anything. Yep.
00:36:19
Speaker
At this point. Yep. So she starts reflecting on Kevin's role in this. He was far from perfect. Over the years, he'd made his share of mistakes, enabling Ruby's toxic behavior and standing idly by as she steamrolled over everyone.
00:36:33
Speaker
He was her faithful servant, catering to her every whim, no matter how unreasonable. But Kevin was never a selfish man. In fact, his greatest weakness was his selflessness. He gave and gave until there was nothing left.
00:36:45
Speaker
He had gone willingly into exile, cutting off all contact with us, his children, to please his wife and to protect us from the vile monster Jodi led him to believe he was. I'm going to say I think his greatest weakness was Ruby.
00:37:00
Speaker
Yeah. I think he always felt like he married up. He got lucky. Yeah. and And she could play on that very easily. Yeah. cut He was reminded of that constantly.
00:37:12
Speaker
Yep. And Sherry knew that this wasn't, like, this wasn't temporary. This was permanent. And suggests that maybe Ruby and Jodi was just hoping he would disappear.
00:37:23
Speaker
So we are on Chapter 35, Package. now i This is one of the hardest chapters
Challenges of Independence
00:37:30
Speaker
for me read. Yeah. as summer faded into fall i found myself facing a new chapter of my life sophomore year of college the relative safety of dorm life was behind me now replaced by the daunting prospect of off-campus living i moved into a cramped apartment with two girls fellow students whom I'd met on campus the three of us squeezed into two bedrooms like sardines in a tin there's so many like relatable things in in the the chaos of the everything that's insane you know oh yeah and I wonder if the closeness with other humans other friends is a good thing for her or if she's yearning for a little bit of her own space don't know the answer but
00:38:12
Speaker
Yeah, I don't either. So they find out and once they move in that the apartment is covered in black mold, that it's been like painted over to try to make it look like it's not there.
00:38:25
Speaker
And like any kid would do, when you panic like that, you call your mom. She realized how desperate she was to have to call her mom. Yeah.
00:38:35
Speaker
Yeah. She and she, I love it's like, she's just in a full panic. I can't live here. I'm going to die from black mold. And instead of like, my mom would be like, okay, take a breath.
00:38:47
Speaker
Maybe open a window and take a breath. and Let's talk about what we could do. But not Ruby. Now that you're 18, it's time for you to take care of yourself.
00:38:58
Speaker
Okay. I'm going to tangent here. Mm-hmm. I can't even imagine at 18 my kids like even remotely taking care of themselves. I hate to say it. I hate to say My 26 year old would still I think he would still call first thing and say mom what do I do? Uh huh.
00:39:22
Speaker
There's a reason we live with my mom.
00:39:29
Speaker
Okay well I do too, but let me say, like, my mom lives with me. i Yes. No, we live with my mom. yeah jeez. I just can't even. and right but I don't know why that strikes me.
00:39:44
Speaker
so hard because I think so much about, sorry, this is going to get way to him like into my personal life that nobody cares about, but I think about my son getting in a car accident and he was up in the mountains of Colorado.
00:39:58
Speaker
He wasn't hurt, let me say that, but The first thing he did was call us in the middle of the night and like just expected us to have the solution of like, like the car was undriveable.
00:40:09
Speaker
He's the middle of mountain. There's no other cars around. It's like, um what do I do? But the irony is, my husband had flown out there and by the next morning, he was there to help them.
00:40:23
Speaker
Or my daughter, like they went recently, went down to Austin. The transmission of the car went out. First thing, mom, dad, what do we do? We're down there in four hours. so yeah Yeah. My 19 year old is flying out and and I've already said, if there's any problem, I'll just fly there immediately. He's leaving the country. And I'm like,
00:40:45
Speaker
um I'll be there in my heartbeat. Yeah. there's a thing of like, an 18-year-old shouldn't know how to deal with like a landlord and black mole and things like... like And I get back in the day that And honestly, I even understand that families have different circumstances. Yes.
00:41:05
Speaker
and And I do realize that this has to be reality for some kids and some people. But this is not one of them. No. and And this is not something... Sherry grew up anticipating that she was at 18 going to be but fully cut off.
New Living Situation Complexities
00:41:20
Speaker
Right. Even from support and help. It's not even about money and finances. It's just support. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So then she ah gets into her roommates.
00:41:34
Speaker
She says, each of us battling our own demons in our cramped, moldy apartment. One roommate is 26 years old. She says down in the dumps that she was still stuck on a campus she'd long outgrown.
00:41:48
Speaker
the other was a walking talking pillar of faith living her lds principles with such an upbeat unyielding intensity that even i no stranger to conservative values was impressed by the way she'd lunge for the remote and hit fast forward during peachy kissing scenes in movies i know that makes me laugh it's cute it is she says we were a stressed out little sisterhood glad i'm glad she's getting that closer growing that closeness is growing but I mean, still, I don't think they have any concept of what all is going on behind the scenes, but at least she gets that.
00:42:23
Speaker
Yeah. like the I think the reason she doesn't open up is because she's not ready, not because of any distrust of them. Yeah. And she wants this little capsule of normalness.
00:42:33
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah. But it's more that she's not willing to go there herself. Not that it's anything about them, I think. Yeah. No, I agree. So she... ah At this time, Sherry learns that Chad isn't living with Kevin, that he is on his own.
00:42:48
Speaker
This is where... This is what I find sad. and And that's why I've kind of continued to pick up on the fact that, okay, she's still got this connection with Chad. She's... It's, you know, it's still there. It's still there.
Reaching Out to Chad
00:43:01
Speaker
And obviously she believes... what I do. That's that connection is still there. And so she wants to figure out where he is and go see them.
00:43:13
Speaker
hmm. Yeah, so she does some detective work and she convinces um she convinces her neighbor, who just so happens to be the landlord of Chad's apartment, to like just like, don't know, tell me where he is.
00:43:26
Speaker
And he refuses, but all of a sudden a note comes or a text message comes that just says, Building 6, Apartment 38. And she's like, I can never, I have no idea who sent it ah to this day. I think this is the sweetest thing ever.
00:43:40
Speaker
Well, she went through her kitchen and stuffed a bag with all of Chad's comfort foods, Doritos and Oreos and cheese crackers. I thought that was so sweet.
00:43:52
Speaker
Yeah, because she's a broke college kid. And within that, she tucked a letter pouring out her heart, my love for him, my fears about our family's implosion, and my unwavering promise to stand by him As both big sister and friend, with this lifeline packed, I jumped into my car and raced to the apartment.
00:44:18
Speaker
So she times her visit to when she's hoping he's not home because she doesn't want to ambush him and she wants to give him space to process. Like she's so self-aware.
00:44:29
Speaker
That is. Yeah, that is. Yeah. I don't know. I guess i I wouldn't have thought that way. Yeah. Maybe that would have been better in a way. I'm not sure. i think so. I think so. It would have been. So when she gets there, she knocks on the door.
00:44:43
Speaker
And one of the roommates, I think, opens the door. But Chad is right behind him. And he, she's she's excited. And he's not.
00:44:55
Speaker
She, Sherry, he said his voice low, what are you doing here? How did you find me? And, ugh. Yeah. She said, I swallowed suddenly feeling like an intruder.
00:45:06
Speaker
Can we talk please? I said, my voice shaking slightly. And so, you know, she thought he'd slam the door in her face. He doesn't do that at least. um But he goes out into the hallway and just looks at her.
00:45:19
Speaker
And she's like close to crying. She just says, I miss you. And he says, what's in the bag? The flat voice flat. And she's all like, she gets excited. she's like, it's snacks.
00:45:30
Speaker
And tries to make a joke and he just won't take it. ah this guy I think any parent knows that the love between their children, don't know, there's nothing that makes me happier than...
00:45:43
Speaker
than the love between my kids yeah to see this yeah this is just painful yeah she says that she could feel i could feel the tension radiating from him suspicion and anger simmering just beneath the surface of his carefully controlled exterior what lies had they used to turn him against me i wondered my heart clenching painfully in my chest so she takes a deep breath and says she's here because the family's falling apart and their mother is abusive she uses the word to chad And she does say that Chad's eyes widen and there's a little yeah flicker of something.
00:46:17
Speaker
But he pulls out the sherry. Come on. Yep. Don't be don't be ridiculous. And they kind of go back and forth. Like she's insisting. She's there to try to protect him. like So Chad is like kind of flat and he's just like, I'm fine. Things are fine. She wasn't abusive. She's our mother. that He also talks about...
00:46:40
Speaker
He says that some of us need to work on our responsibilities. So he's even convinced that there's something wrong with him. ah Yep. Absolutely.
00:46:51
Speaker
Yeah. It's wild. And finally, he just puts a hand up and doesn't let her talk and says he should leave. His voice low and final. And he does say, she's our mother, Sherry. Mm-hmm.
00:47:05
Speaker
Which i I understand. I struggle with. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. I don't know. and yeah he He talked about it in the Hulu series, too, of just, like, he still has to deal with that. He's not, a like, Sherry's very final and, like, cut off and, like, Ruby is not my mother. And he's still, like, she's my mom.
00:47:21
Speaker
Yeah. And everyone has to deal their own way. Yeah. so Sherry leaves.
Family Rejection and Isolation
00:47:29
Speaker
She realizes the message is very clear that her entire family is turned against her.
00:47:35
Speaker
She is alone with, you know, from her family. As soon as she gets back to the apartment, there's a long text message from Ruby. Chad immediately told her that he, Sherry found him and used the abuse word.
00:47:50
Speaker
I find this so... crazy though, because the family isn't supposed to speak to each other at all. Right. And they, and they seem to really be following that. So I was surprised that that quickly.
00:48:04
Speaker
Chad would have turned to his mother. Yeah. So it's start. I'm going to read the whole thing. It starts. Sherry, you have been deceiving me for quite some time. And it's just like this diatribe about how terrible Sherry is and how she's causing grief to the family and how hurtful the word abusive is. And she is.
00:48:27
Speaker
Oh, we see the inviting word again. Inviting you to see the reality you are in. She says she's going to pray for her She's open to talking with her, but not until she humbles herself. They're going to she's going pray for her. says, you pair very lost soul.
00:48:42
Speaker
and she calls her arrogant, but ends love Ruby. She didn't say love mom. She hurls her phone onto her bed. Yep. And she's just devastated.
00:48:53
Speaker
So she packs a bag. She says, fistfuls of clothes, shoving them into overnight bag. I couldn't be here anymore knowing Chad was so close he yet so far away. And she just walks out. She kind of, she looks at herself in the mirror and says like, she's just hollow.
00:49:10
Speaker
And she just called out to her roommates. I'm staying with some friends for a bit and close the door before it like they could ask her any questions. And think we're going to take a break there.
00:49:21
Speaker
Yeah. So we're goingnna cut the conversation here and we will continue next week. Take care. Bye.