Transcript
Speaker: Welcome to the Spiritual Fitness Podcast. I'm your host, Eric Bigger. And each week, we will explore powerful practices, inspiring stories, and expert insights to guide you on your path to holistic health.
Speaker: By blending spirituality and physical wellness, we support you in strengthening your body and soul. Whether you're a seasoned spiritual seeker or just beginning your journey, the Spiritual Fitness Podcast is here to help you unlock your inner potential and live your most vibrant, purposeful life.
Speaker: It's miracle season.
Speaker: Spiritual fitness, spiritual fitness podcast. I'm your host, Eric Bigger, and I'm back again with another episode. And today I have the privilege to speak on trust issues and partnership and relationship and how to build authentic connections.
Speaker: So first of hand, I believe trust is the biggest thing anyone can ask for in any partnership, relationship, marriage, friendship, right? You have to have trust. You can have all the love in the world.
Speaker: And I'm pretty sure a lot of you love your spouse, love your family members, love a friend, but there may be areas within them that you don't trust. So you're not really fully ingrained or embody an authentic relationship.
Speaker: relationship of that person, right? Because you're lacking trust. And I think trust is the strongest, most powerful, potent part of our relationship that we don't talk about. We talk about lack of communication, you know, lack of resources financially, things not lining up, location, maybe in the long distance. But I think the main thing in any partnership for it to work long term is to build strong, innate trust in a relationship and all factors.
Speaker: Some subjects may be uncomfortable based on past experiences. So what I realized in my dating life and being single, I've always was guarded. I always was afraid.
Speaker: Why? Because I didn't trust. Why didn't I trust? Because as a young boy, as a young man, when I was growing up, I didn't get tons of love or affection from the feminine energy, which is my mom, my grandmother,
Speaker: The women in my family like they love me, but I didn't feel the love I think I wanted. So therefore, I lack trust. Right. When it comes to that energy. So I had an emotional abandonment wound. Now, that's my experience.
Speaker: So through my experience, I will either attract emotional unavailable women or I will be the one unavailable in dating and a relating face.
Speaker: Right. All because, you know, we say you're afraid of love. No, I'm afraid of getting hurt because I don't trust the love that I might get because I've never experienced it from the first feminine essence in my life, which is my mom and the women in my family.
Speaker: the way my body wanted to receive it, right? The way my mind wanted to receive in my life. And so I want to share this little tidbit that I realized over time. And that's why I have so much grace for people. I have so much grace for my family, my loved ones, because i had resentment against what I didn't get from them because of the love I wasn't receiving based on how I received love.
Speaker: Right. My love language is acts of service and quality time. So I took it as they didn't love me because I didn't spend the time or he wasn't doing things for me. That's not true. That's the story I created based on experience within my body, within my life.
Speaker: Right. So let's get that clear. And I think a lot of us, it's not that our partners, our people, our family are not loving us. They're not loving us from a space that we receive love the best that makes us feel safe and have trust in a partnership, in a relationship and a friendship.
Speaker: So really be clear on what is your love language. And if you have a partner or you have family members or you have peers not loving you from that paradigm of that love language, maybe that's why you don't feel as love.
Speaker: They're giving you love, but they're giving you love from their perspective, how they see love. So sometimes we can get caught up in a crossfire of like, they don't love me. no they're not loving you based on what your nervous system receive love as.
Speaker: So just something to think about, something to kind of process, ruminate in your thinking, in your mind. Just think about that. But in order to to also have a great relationship and rapport with someone, you're in a romantic relationship. I believe it goes down to authenticity, vulnerability, and transparency.
Speaker: So what does that mean? Let's talk about dating. So when you first meet a person, I think where we shoot ourselves in a foot is that not all people, but I say the majority of people just say you're on a dating app. I've been on multiple dating apps. Shout out to Raya, Hinge, Bumble.
Speaker: ah Yeah, those three. And it was always if you like someone, you look at their bio, you look at their photos, swipe left or swipe right. Great. And then what's the first ah move of action? At least in my mind was like, oh, at the time when I was drinking, let's go out for a drink or let's go out to dinner let's meet up.
Speaker: But I think what I did and I think what most people do, they meet up, say it's a movie day, a lunch day, a dinner is great. But we come like our Instagram highlight reel.
Speaker: We come, you know, women wearing all the makeup. They got their best outfit on. Guys got his cologne on. He got his best fit on. i got my best fit on. I'm looking great. But honestly, that's not your real self.
Speaker: That's your made up self based on a date. And of course, you want to look good. You want to smell good. You want to present yourself as first impressions or everything. But I think what happens unconsciously is when you show up that way, it's a great day.
Speaker: You're getting ah attention. You're getting affection. You're building a rapport. You feel excited about this this person like you just met. And then you go on another date and then you dress it up again.
Speaker: And you're in that same paradox of looking good, feeling good, being good. This is going. So now you already set the bar to show up a certain way.
Speaker: Right. And then you go on another date and you do it again and you're looking all good and you fly. You're consistent in this impression of how you're looking. Where I think we go wrong is that I think the first date should be like a hike.
Speaker: a hike, something where women don't have to wear makeup, guys don't have to, you know, put on a nice fit. Because once you do that, you're already building in that person's mind is like, this is how you show up. This is who you are.
Speaker: We're really, that's not true. That's not your most authentic self. That's like going to an interview for the first time. You wear your best fit. You want to look good. That's like, this we do in dating. And so then when we get the job or we get the person, we stop those habits.
Speaker: Why? Because that wasn't our authentic self. That was the portrayed self that we thought we should be for them to like us or like me or like them. Right.
Speaker: So think about it. I believe the best dating is when you do something that's relatable, where you're sweating, where you're not all made up and you can just see people how they are.
Speaker: So I remember when I first ah met my girlfriend, I had this thing in my mind of I didn't get a haircut. I didn't have a car. So I rented a car and I didn't get like a fancy car.
Speaker: And it was the summertime. Like I wasn't like super dressed down, but I wasn't super dressed up. I was just kind of comfortable. i'm like, you know what? I want to be me. So I picked her up.
Speaker: We had a great time, a great date. It was great. It was awesome. But I didn't go with that previous, the old self where I'm getting a fresh cut, I'm getting a manicure, just doing a whole thing, trying to like be this perfect presentation because I want someone to like me and vice versa for her. Like she was pretty chill and attractive.
Speaker: I wasn't going into this meetup as I want you to like me. It was just like, let me see. So I think starting from that space, I was able to create space within our partnership, within our relating that this is who I am without me trying to impress. I didn't go on a date trying to impress. And I think most times dating now we go to impress TV for guys get laid for women to get someone to desire them and then eventually fall in love or get in a relationship.
Speaker: And sometimes we date because we're feeling voiced because we don't know how to be alone or it could be a trauma bond. We both have, you know, something within our vessels and our beings that attract each other that is triggering. And we won't know until we get in a partnership, but we're so excited.
Speaker: Addicted, maybe I would say to one another. But I want to go back to how you introduce yourself. And I think rule number one, when dating to build authenticity in a relationship, come your most authentic self. Don't come dressed up like look decent, be presentable, but don't overdo it.
Speaker: I think that's where we go wrong. you know And I've been on so many dates in the past. You know, you see women online and then you see them in person. It don't match and it don't add up because there's a lot of filters are being added.
Speaker: And then maybe there's a lot of makeup and the person doesn't look like their online profile or their Instagram profile. And it's not good because I understand why a woman might, of course, who doesn't want to look good and be attractive? But sometimes they might overdo it and not know.
Speaker: Right. But imagine if you came with no makeup. It'll be a different party. And like, that's where ah person should date you from and love you from and court you from.
Speaker: Right. I went on a date probably about 11 years ago. I remember like yesterday I was in Sherman Oaks, California. We went out for drinks and food and was a very attractive, beautiful woman.
Speaker: And we went home. stayed the night. She woke up next to me. I was like, throwed off like, whoa, who is this person? And at the time, I think I was probably like 24, 23.
Speaker: was working at Amber Carman Fish. so it had to be like my second or third year living in L.A. And it's like her makeup came off and she was like totally different. And I was just kind of like shook. Like what just happened?
Speaker: And I was like, that's not the same person I went to dinner with, right? Now, of course, I'm young at the time and, ah you know, I didn't understand the difference, but I think that it's not good, right?
Speaker: Because she presented herself to be a certain way because of the makeup. I fell for deception, which most guys do. ain't saying for women, for men, you know, most guys flaunt that they have it all and they got it all and they really don't. They might got their friend's car and someone gave them some money and They're staying at their cousin's apartment, you know, I get him youre in your 20s, you know, you trying to you want someone to like you.
Speaker: So what I'm saying is, is that I was deceived based on a perception and there wasn't a reality. like What I'm saying in dating, when you go on your first date, allow that person to date the reality of you and not the perception of you because perception gets us in trouble.
Speaker: Because then you got to continue to live up to that perception. Looking good, being fly, spending money, whatever it it is that to get that person to like you. Because then when you get in a partnership, all hell breaks loose or the truth comes to the light or you're shocked.
Speaker: Like what? I didn't know. I didn't see this coming because you wasn't trying to see it coming. You only wanted your ego to be stroked and you only wanted to be desired from your ego space. You didn't care about the truth because you was avoiding or you didn't want to know it. So you never ask questions around it.
Speaker: And some people go on dates and dating someone that has a partner, but they don't care about the partner they're not asking or looking for because they're same as someone's on an online dating site that they're single. But some people are out here messing around because they can or because they don't want to sit with their pain.
Speaker: So I say y all that to say, i want to segue into cheating. I think that's why cheating is such a big thing in relationships. I remember in past partnerships, The women are with. They was always making it about another girl, another woman. And I'm like, where is that coming from? So, again, I got check, like, what do they feel in me that I could be messing around or talking to other women?
Speaker: Now, granted, I come from a franchise of dating and, you know, majority of my audience is women. So I get it. Like, of course. But it was to a point where it was so uncomfortable. It was insulting that they would think I would cheat on them and mess around. And I think, again, because of my perception, because I was on The Bachelorette and I was on these dating shows and I have a decent following and I have a blue check. Like, i'm just thinking about all these things that's happening at the time.
Speaker: The perception of me. created a narrative in their minds to believe that this was true because I could potentially be this guy because I was single for a long time. So he's really a bachelor and he's probably have multiple women, which I get.
Speaker: But that wasn't the truth when they had me and I had them. We were together, but I get how they could create that. And I think cheating or just the idea of it or the idea I'm going get hurt Most people say they're going to get hurt. I'm like, how would you get hurt in a relationship unless you're creating something in your mind to attract or bring that to fruition for that to manifest?
Speaker: So rule number one in dating and relating. be authentic. authentic. Let people date the reality of you and not the perception. But the reason we don't want people to know the reality of us because we're afraid of judgment.
Speaker: That's it. You are so afraid for someone to know who you really are because you don't want to be judged. I'd rather this someone one judge me from who I really am than from what I think I should be because at some point if I'm with this person, that's going to come out.
Speaker: Right. So we have to get safe in our nervous system. We have to trust that. Accept me as I am not as I want you to see me. And when you can accept me as I am, you don't even care what I think I should be for you because you see me for who I am.
Speaker: And I think that's the most important thing. And that's when real connection, and intimacy comes in. I was at a conference in Hampton a few weeks ago and Dr. George Frazier talked about divorce and I helped three women get through divorce. I want to share some of these stories here.
Speaker: But he said in divorce, the number one reason of divorce It's not lack of communication. It's not money. It's not finances. It's non-physical intimacy.
Speaker: This is the number one reason behind divorce. Non-physical intimacy. So what does that mean? Maybe, a you know, kiss on a cheek or on the forehead or a hug, maybe some cuddles or kind gestures or, you know, writing a nice letter in the middle of the day or ordering flowers or just thinking about the person doing something nice.
Speaker: Because I think we're in this place of society where it's so lust focused and so ego focused and so stimulating. We have OnlyFans, we have Instagram, we have TikTok and everybody's trying to look good and they on a highlight reel and they got filters and look at me, look at me. I'm hot. I'm sexy. I'm attractive.
Speaker: And then you get inside there with these people and you realize like you're really empty. You're really probably dark and you don't really know yourself. Right. Because we're leaving from the lens of what we want people to see and not what they need to know.
Speaker: And I think it's pushing us back and we're not getting real intimacy. I know for sure women are not getting real intimacy because I can see it in my clients. Past year and a half, three clients got divorced.
Speaker: And what I learned from was. All the women that I called in to help, they were heavily in their masculine. So they somewhat wore the pants in their marriage and they controlled it because there was the masculine energy.
Speaker: They took care of the spouse. They were really like the mom of the husband. they took on the mother role and the men dated their mom and married their mom. Right. And it happens like that with these energetics. If we don't heal from past things, if we don't allow ourselves to be authentic, we just go with the flow and women are so nurturing and giving like, Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. It's cool. I got it because they want love so bad.
Speaker: So they'll sacrifice their femininity and being a masculine just to get that love to be in favor of them and their control. And whether they have the money, they have the resources or they have the upper hand, they'll keep that part of the relationship going because they're getting the love, the attention, affection.
Speaker: But it's so rooted in inauthenticity because they're not allowing themselves to really be where they need to be. And I would say, you know, and they're feminine, being open about where they stand and not trying to control the relationship because they're afraid they might lose a relationship.
Speaker: So what happened was in most of these relationships, these divorces, the women controlled the relationship because even they had the upper hand when it came to finances, you know, took care of these men like they was their son and then resent them over time where these guys even messed around and cheated on them.
Speaker: Or once these men got to a space of feeling confident and um lively, they just went out and did their own thing and forgot about them. If you think about it's like the relationship with a mom and a son. When he gets to a certain age, he doesn't want to report back to mom. He doesn't want to come in at a certain time.
Speaker: He feel good, but he doesn't know that. It's psychological. So people, we got to understand also men and women. You can program yourself to control someone, but also you eventually lose that person because you're not in your true divine union of your divine masculine and your divine feminine.
Speaker: Because you're afraid of let go of that control. You're afraid of being deeply intimate and vulnerable about where you are. And not to knock the women that were in control, I believe part of it was they didn't feel safe in their femininity because maybe when they were young, they didn't have a male presence around or their dad didn't give to them or take care of them or honor them.
Speaker: So they didn't feel safe, right? It's not that it's a bad thing. It's just a real thing we got to really pay attention to when we're dating and asking ourselves what's really happening. Am I in love because I'm controlling it and I'm manifesting in the way I want or Am i gravitating to someone because I feel like I can control them or have my way?
Speaker: And the tough part about it, that what happens when you don't get your way? And that's what I've saw in my coaching with some of my clients is that now that they don't get their way and they got to grieve the loss of the marriage, grieve the loss of separation of the kids.
Speaker: They got to sit with themselves and say, what did I cause? And I tell someone, said, you emasculated this man. You got to take accountability. You did this. Yeah, no, but no, it's no but.
Speaker: You controlled him. You emasculated him. And guess what? He's just as guilty as you, but you have to be accountable for the part you played. You can't point the finger and blame it on him.
Speaker: It takes two to play the game. So I think also responsibility and accountability builds trust when you can accept when you're wrong, when you can accept where you cause or creating something based on your inefficiencies, your insecurities or your fears.
Speaker: And I think to build authentic relationship, you have to be accountable, you have to be responsible and you have to have that trust. And you have to know where is this resistance coming from and why am i trying to control love? You can't control love.
Speaker: Love just is. When you try to control something, it's not actually love. It's your ego trying to at least the love you think you got close so you don't have to love yourself. Because any relationship, if there was a divorce, there's one of two things. I believe the one thing is that maybe these people outgrew each other. So I believe that's true.
Speaker: Two, someone was cheating because someone was insecure or someone wasn't trusting or There's somewhere in these partnership where people are not loving themselves.
Speaker: So I believe in some capacity, relationships can be narcissistic and me, me, me, me. me What about me? What you doing for me? Right. Which is I get that part. But it's to a point where you can't want someone to love you if you're not loving you.
Speaker: I can't hold you accountable for something i'm not holding myself accountable for. like, I want you to cook me food, but I'm not even cooking my food. like I just don't believe in anticipating or expecting something from someone that you're not even giving to someone or you're not giving to yourself.
Speaker: You can't want unconditional love if you're not unconditionally loving yourself. You can't want trust in a partnership if you're not trusting yourself and your life with yourself. You can't want someone to respect your boundaries when you're not respecting your boundaries.
Speaker: So all these things come down back to the individual self and self-love and how authentic are you with yourself? How real can you get? How open are you about things that you suffer or might be a challenge?
Speaker: But the trust issue thing is big because I think that's why relationships fall apart. Trust is wrong. When someone cheats, trust. When someone lies, trust. When someone is not consistent, trust.
Speaker: I also believe that's a really one underlying thing in a relationship is consistency. The more consistent you can be, the better your partnership. will become, I believe, unless you're two-faced and you're living two lives.
Speaker: So just think about that as we got to close out. To build a trust and relationship, you have to, one, trust yourself. To build a trust and relationship, you have to, two, love yourself.
Speaker: To build in a trust and relationship, you must be authentic and you must be vulnerable. And you must give people the reality of you and not the perception. And when you can step into your authenticity and you can accept who you are, win, lose or draw, and you can share that with someone, then you're going to know if you should continue to date or create relationship with this person.
Speaker: But if you're going in it, trying to be like from what you have and what you do and who you are, follows you, got your status, it won't work. And so I got a client right now who just recently got divorced on one end of the spectrum.
Speaker: Her husband she divorced from was nonchalant about her lately. Right. And these last few years, so they've been together more than 10 plus years and she's getting a divorce. And then she meets this other guy who's polar opposite. He's like so invested. He loves her so much. He's so addicted to her.
Speaker: And she's like, oh, my God, like, I like him, but man, he's too much, you know. And I said, well, this is what you want. You're like his dream girl. He loves you. He cares about you.
Speaker: And now you got to really get real about yourself and you got to set some boundaries and ask what you need. Because in your last partnership, she was controlling a relationship and doing everything for him and giving him all his needs and not asking for her needs.
Speaker: And then he left and he cheated. Right. And so now this guy is the opposite. he loves her. He's addicted. He's like, oh, my God. But yet he might not be where he needs to be in other parts of his life for her.
Speaker: And I said, well, this is where you have to be willing to grow. You know, just because he might not fit that part of the category that you want. This is where the real authenticity comes in. You have the heart to heart. You have the real conversation. You have the love and times together and you build and you grow just because things are off or things get shaken up.
Speaker: You don't have to leave. You just stay. but ask for your needs and build the trust. And I believe with trust, with consistency, they will have a very strong, successful loving partnership.
Speaker: And I'm so happy for her. She deserves it. But yeah, people, allow people to see the reality of you, not the perception. Learn to trust yourself, learn to love yourself and be vulnerable about where you are and where you at.
Speaker: And look, some guys think that when they have everything together, they can start committing to someone. And I believe life doesn't work like that. Like, I just think when mean someone comes into your life that you're open to and they open your heart in a way that you've never been open, I think you should kind of lean into that and not run from it.
Speaker: But if everything is perfect for you to get into a partnership, you're never going to get in a real partnership that's going to last long or you're never going to be real about you because you're not going to always have everything together in a relationship.
Speaker: So that's all. That's it. I think we just got to be authentic. And these are some ways you can be authentic in your dating phase, in your relationship, in your marriage, maybe in your repair space of your relationship.
Speaker: Maybe you got to repair some wounds that got triggered or, you know, came up after a few years. Your partner didn't know that you went through something. So that's all. That's it. Let's build trust.
Speaker: Let's have very strong, authentic relationships. Love yourself. Trust yourself. And do not hide the truth from the people that need to see you, especially the one you're in relationship with or thinking about being in a partnership with.
Speaker: Tell the truth, speak the truth, be the truth. It's a Miracle Season. Share, subscribe, like this episode, Spiritual Fitness Podcast. I'm Eric Bigger. And do not forget.
Speaker: to reach out to me on Instagram at Eric Bigger and connect with me in a DM. Let's build. And I want to know what is your thoughts about this podcast episode? What is your thoughts about your dating life?
Speaker: How does trust affect you in your day-to-day life? And how big is trusting you in a partnership? So let me know. That's all. That's it. I'm out. I'll see you guys soon. Peace.
Speaker: Thank you for joining us on the Spiritual Fitness Podcast. We hope today's episode has inspired you and provided valuable insights for your holistic health journey. By blended spirituality and physical wellness, you can strengthen your body, mind, and soul.
Speaker: If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate, and leave a review. Until next time, stay strong, stay inspired, and remember, it's miracle season.
