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00:00:01
You Have Nothing to Prove!
3.1k Plays8 months ago
Hello! Today’s episode was inspired by a few little happenings in my life recently, where I have found myself trying to explain/justify/please others - before myself, in the hope that others understand my reasoning behind why I do what I do in certain situations. What I’ve learnt recently, is that as humans, we waste SO much time and precious energy trying to prove ourselves to others - in the hope that others will perceive us as right, kind, successful etc.
Not only are we wasting energy in these moments, we are not honouring who we are. We aren’t feeling worthy of our decisions, and we are giving power away to others in the hope to get approval or validation. In turn, the energy we adapt during these times is the energy we get back, because what we project is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. This is why you can be working so hard on manifesting a certain thing, person, experience or outcome - and find yourself meeting block after block.
I open up about a few personal experiences where I have felt the exhausting need to prove myself where it really wasn’t necessary. I found I was manifesting more negativity into my life by constantly talking about how ‘tired I was’ and how I was ‘struggling to keep up.’ My intention was to prove to others why I was a different version of myself and share my excuses as to why I was late with replies, or cancelling catch ups for validation. However what I was really doing was manifesting more of that negativity into my life, by constantly talking about it. If I felt worthy in those moments, I wouldn’t have felt the need to justify and prove myself to others in the first place!
Here is the link the my episode on accountability! It’s Me, Hi, I'm the Problem, It’s Me.
A huge thank you to today’s sponsor, Propeller Advisory.
Here is a link to their website where you can learn more about their accounting services.
And here is a link to Katie’s new course, The Finance Launchpad Accelerator, use the code LaunchPromo
Pass Around the Smile's Links below
View my website here! (My very own oracle cards, journals, meditations, courses + more magical stuff!)
Join my Facebook community group here!
Find me on Instagram here! @passaroundthesmile @cleomassey
The Pass Around the Smile podcast is recorded on Bundjalung Country, in South East Queensland, Australia. We acknowledge the Yugambeh people of the Bundjalung Nation, the traditional owners of this land. We pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging.
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Transcript
Introduction to Pass Around the Smile Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Pass Around the Smile is like your go-to friend, the one that lifts you up and backs you to the end. She's there to guide and inspire, challenge and teach, and remind you that your best self isn't out of reach. Self-development, manifestation, self-love and more, it's time to trust the process more than ever before. Welcome to Pass Around the Smile, the podcast. I'm your host, Cleo Massey, and I am so glad you're here. Let the magic begin.
Addressing People-Pleasing and Self-Validation
00:00:33
Speaker
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Pass Around the Smile podcast. You can see by the title, this episode is called, You Have Nothing to Prove. And it's not just your general, you know, you have nothing to prove because you're worthy and deserving. Of course, there's a little bit of that. But as you know, on the Pass Around the Smile podcast, I like to go a little bit deeper. So we are going to be talking about people pleasing tendencies, fawning,
00:01:00
Speaker
how to let go of the worry and the care of what others might think or perceive of you. um there's There's a lot of juice to this episode. i won't I won't go into it all now, obviously, but it gets it gets deep. It's a good one. And it's going to get you thinking.
Sponsor Spotlight: Propeller Advisory
00:01:16
Speaker
But before we jump into the episode, I want to say a big, big thank you to today's sponsor, propeller advisory who are actually my accountants. I'm really passionate about sharing this sponsor with you guys today because finding a good accountant who is a supporter of you and what you do and women in business is actually really, really hard.
00:01:38
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but I've been with Propeller now for I think it's been three or four years and I have genuinely loved my experience with them. I'm not gonna lie and I'll chat a little bit about this in the episode because it kind of comes within the topic of you have nothing to prove but I am not the greatest at maths. I don't really understand numbers, I don't understand my profit and loss sheet. Well I'm learning to now that I'm with Propeller But previous to this, my accountant would email me or call me and I would feel so anxious. I'd be like, why are you calling me? Why are you emailing me? Please do not talk to me. Please just do my books and don't tell me about it and just just please do it and goodbye. See you later. um
00:02:20
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different energy with Propeller. They are genuine supporters of women in any scope of business, whether you have your own business, small or big, whether you're a sole trader, whether you work for someone else, they're really supportive. I actually get excited for my meetings with them because, I mean, not only was I breastfeeding on my meeting the other day on Zoom, they helped me feel motivated and inspired to do better. And they actually helped me understand what is going on in my business. They also have just launched a new course which once things calm down with Indigo a little bit I'm actually going to do myself because I've realized that I can actually take control of my finances even though I like to tell myself again we'll talk about this in the episode but I like to tell myself I'm not good at numbers I don't understand it. If I'm telling myself that and not doing anything about it then that's my reality.
00:03:11
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But this course sounds so good. So Katie, who is the owner of Propeller, has launched a financial mastery course aimed at helping small business owners feel more in control of their finances. So if you are an entrepreneur and you're feeling stressed about your finances, the Finance Launchpad Accelerator is designed just for you. In just 10 weeks, you'll learn to simplify financial jargon create a clear financial vision, set and achieve your goals, manage cash flow with ease and establish solid financial practices. With practical steps and immediate results, you'll gain the financial peace of mind you need to focus on what you love. Katie is also offering a special discount and a free upgrade to her coaching program where you'll get weekly coaching specific to your needs. And you can use the code LAUNCHPROMO. I'll put the code and all of Katie and propellers links in the show notes. Again, it can be such a daunting process to find an accountant that you love and trust. This is just my genuine experience with them. Love them. It's really helped me change my mindset around money and accounting and my business. And yeah, they're bloody great. Let's get into the episode.
Overthinking Others' Perceptions
00:04:24
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As humans it's natural to want to prove to others that you are kind, successful, happy or on the other side of things it's natural if you are sick or tired or grumpy to prove to others exactly why to kind of justify your bad mood or why you didn't turn up at work or why you you know were quiet at a party or whatever it is And this is kind of how this topic came up for me and why I want to talk about it today, because what I have found that I've been doing, especially becoming after becoming a mum, is that I am constantly proving to others why I'm not showing up as my kind of old self, number one. And number two, I'm trying to prove to others things that are negative
00:05:17
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and in turn by proving like, oh my god, for example, I am so tired. This is why I was how I was. What I'm doing by constantly talking about how tired I am is I'm manifesting more of that into my life. That was a pretty crappy example, but we're going to basically elaborate on on these two things. So, As I mentioned, it's natural to prove to others. I mean, we're humans. We want validation. We want acceptance. We also want other people to feel comfortable and we want to be able to control other people's view and perception of us. But we waste so much time trying to do this.
00:05:58
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when we will never be able to control the conclusions people will come to about us. So why waste our energy trying in the first place? I think as humans we get so wrapped up in what other people think of us, but we forget that everyone else is just thinking about themselves as well. Other people are worried about what you are thinking of them but chances are you are not thinking of them because you are so worried about what other people are thinking of you. It's like this weird cycle that's not even a cycle because it doesn't match up. We are constantly judging ourselves far too harshly I think and we take one small thing that we did or said
00:06:38
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or maybe something that we didn't do or didn't say that we wish we did or we should have or whatever and we are assuming that this other person or these other people thought the absolute worst of us and then we're making it bigger and bigger in our minds and we're having these fake confrontations in our head and we're making this thing that wasn't even a thing, a huge thing, and all of a sudden we're spiraling negatively. And what that does is not only have us feeling really yucky in the moment, but it has us manifesting
Negativity from Justifying Actions
00:07:08
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that right back. We have to remember that what we project is a reflection of what we get back, what we are putting out, we get back, it's energy attracting energy,
00:07:17
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it's the law of attraction and if you love this podcast you love the law of attraction and you have an understanding of it and if you've missed some earlier episodes of mine on the law of attraction you can always go back and listen to them. But this is what I have found myself doing lately is justifying things to other people but in that time that I'm doing the justifying I am manifesting negative things back to me. So for example I mentioned before that I have been saying that I'm constantly tired or I'll be saying things like, Oh gosh, i I have no time to respond to text because being a mom is just so stressful and I have no time and I'm tired and I'm sick and I'm this and I'm that. And my intention in those moments is to give an excuse as to why I felt I was being a Slack friend.
00:08:11
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replying late or not catching up with people, but instead the energy I'm wasting trying to help others understand. is such a waste, but also I'm manifesting more of that stressful energy, lack of time and more tiredness into my life because I'm constantly talking about it. But I have nothing to prove because those who love me understand that being a new mum is stressful. Of course, they understand I'm going to be tired and that I have less time. They're not going to hate me if I take three business days to respond to their text.
00:08:47
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And I have to remember that while I really, really try to seek first to understand that others will give me that grace as well. So seeking first to understand is one of my favorite lessons from the book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson. And what it means is that before people jump to a conclusion of, well, she's being a bad friend. She hates me now. She's too busy for me. She's changed since she's been a mum. She's a completely different person. It's seeking first and then understanding. And I really do try to do that with other people. If I don't hear from someone or if someone is grumpy or if someone is rude or if someone is quiet,
00:09:32
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I will try my best to before jumping to a conclusion that, you know, something is wrong and making this big situation in my head that they hate me or that, you know, as we do, I try to think, you know, maybe they're going through a hard time with their family. Maybe she is just tired. Maybe she really doesn't want to be at this party because she's anxious. So I am trying to do that more with other people because I know that I will get that in return.
Impact of Over-Explaining
00:10:01
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And I know that the people that love me already do that without me even wanting or asking, but I have found myself kind of surpassing that and trying to prove to people why exactly I am, you know,
00:10:14
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struggling, I guess, in different areas in my life at the moment. But talking about it and talking about it isn't doing anything. It's blocking my manifestations from materializing. How am I meant to materialize a really relaxing, fun life if I'm constantly talking about how tired I am and how much lack of time I have? Lack of time is a limiting belief. I have all the time in the world. Of course I have all the time in the world. I have all the time in the world if I tell myself I have all the time in the world. But if I'm telling myself I have no time to do this, I have no time to do that, I'm constantly snowed under, I'm feeling like I can't get ahead. that is something I constantly say to Luke. Luke, my beautiful supportive husband who I know I don't have to explain anything to. I have found myself lately telling him like he'll get home and the house is an absolute pigsty and I'm like oh I haven't you know I haven't had time I just feel like I can't get ahead like there's just so much I'm doing today. I did this and I did that and I did this for the baby and I did had to get this at the shops and I did this for you and I did this for me and that's why the house is messy and Luke's like I don't care that the house is messy like of course he understands that the house is going to be messy but I find myself still wanting to prove to him the house is messy because x y and z but in the meantime of doing that I am wasting so much energy explaining
00:11:41
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I do not have self-worth in that moment because I'm not feeling worthy of just knowing that I have actually had a really successful day of keeping my baby happy and myself, I got dressed. you know Instead, I'm wasting so much time proving and also I am not going to be moving forward energetically with what I'm trying to manifest, which for me personally at the moment is just you know a fun, relaxed life. I can't manifest that when I'm constantly talking that way. So next time you're trying to prove yourself to other people, I want you to think, is this actually serving you or the other person in any way? This other person should love and respect you if they're family or friends, or if it's like a colleague, for example. I'm sure you've proved yourself over the years, if this is your case.
00:12:33
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enough that if you take a sick day and you don't need to prove to them how sick you are and because if you're going back into work going I was this sick I couldn't get off the couch and I'm still not well you're going to stay sick or you're going to get sicker whereas just trusting that you are bloody worthy and deserving of taking a sick day you know what even if you weren't sick you might have just been a bit anxious you might have needed to just have a mental health day or you know get some appointments done you don't have to prove anything to anyone it is such a waste of energy i know we all do it i do it i've just explained that i even do it to my husband of all people but
00:13:09
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You know, we don't have to. I have found um I will also do it when I'm in a bit of like a hormonal mood. As women, we get hormonal and we can't help it. And I think if other people don't understand that, that is their problem, not ours. Over the years,
Negativity in Proving Victimhood
00:13:29
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I have constantly made excuses as to why I'm hormonal or why I'm, you know, lashing out or you know um just not myself. I think there's a big difference between apologizing and proving. I think it's okay to say look I'm really sorry it's that time of the month I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now and I need to just take myself away and have like half an hour to calm down.
00:13:56
Speaker
I think that is really, really good. I think that's really mature. And that's, you know, you are, you're apologizing for maybe something you did or said that may have hurt the other person, but you're not apologizing for who you are on the other side of things. You're not proving, you know, I'm this way because it's this time of the month and I need you and to understand that it's so hard for me and it's harder for me than it is for you because I get worse hormones than you. and It's really hard for me because I get this pain that's unbearable and then you go on and on and on about how your life is harder than, you know, I'm kind of spiraling here but I think this is something that we all have been guilty of in the past is feeling like that we're the victim and that we're the ones that are the worst off in this situation. And we have to prove to other people why we are the worst off. So they understand why are we are being mean, why are we are being slack, why we aren't turning up.
00:14:50
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But what we're doing in that moment is we are literally manifesting more of the bad stuff we are experiencing. Does that make sense? This is like, this is an interesting episode because I feel like it's really niche, but I think a lot of you will resonate. So please do comment on the Q and A on Spotify or post a review on the Apple podcasts one. And let me know if you do resonate, because it really does help me understand what you guys want to hear more of. um Yeah. Anyway, let's keep going. Personally, for me, I find that social occasions are a big one where I will be going over and over in my head.
00:15:27
Speaker
of all the valid reasons I have to leave the party or the gathering or the dinner or not go in the first place. When if I don't want to go or if I want to leave that is absolutely fine and I don't need to prove to anyone why I'm leaving or I don't need to justify to anyone why I'm leaving or why I can't go either. Again it comes back to knowing your worth and knowing that your truth is that you have reasons as to why you don't want to be there or you can't be there or reasons as to why you want to leave or need to leave. But I have found myself just recently being in situations where I'm somewhere and I want to go for the reasons of X, Y and Z.
00:16:11
Speaker
But I feel like I need to explain, like over explain to people why I need to leave so that they know that I'm not just leaving because I don't care about them or I don't have time for them, that it's really important that I go and do X, Y and Z. But really, it comes back to knowing your worth. I am worthy of doing whatever it is that I want and whatever is best for me and my family. And it is something that I really need to work on and I am working on and I am getting better at not justifying and over explaining everything that I do and why I do it. But I guess in in these kind of circumstances, I don't know if you guys resonate, but I worry that people will think that I don't have time for them or that I'm not fun or that I am
00:17:00
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not interested or that I have better things to do, whereas obviously they
Feeling Worthy Without Justification
00:17:05
Speaker
are not the reasons. And again, it comes down to the whole thing of what other other people think of me is not my problem. I can't change their perspective. Yada, yada, yada. But at the end of the day, we're going to always have this care and desire to ah make other people feel wanted and desired. And yeah, I really do and have struggled with that with social situations in the past, like making even like if I don't have a valid excuse, I will think I have to make up an excuse.
00:17:33
Speaker
No, i I should say if I don't have a valid reason, I feel as though I have to make up an excuse, but it's perfectly fine to just say, not for me right now, or I'm gonna go home, or I can't make it. Perfectly fine. And sometimes, I think I chat about this in my justifying episode. Sometimes there is reason, you know, and room to kind of justify a little bit if it is going to make the other person feel more loved and more comfortable. but a lot of the time it's it's okay to just do what you need to do without any justification whatsoever. What I'm also working on is the guilt that follows. We had a birthday on the weekend for a dear friend of ours who we love so much and we had to leave a little bit early for you know many reasons. We have a new baby, we had a big family day the next day
00:18:24
Speaker
yet I found myself feeling guilty for leaving the party early even though we were there early and we had a great time and it was amazing and you know the birthday boy didn't care that we when we said we were going but I found myself going over and over thinking oh we should have stayed I wanted to make you know and I'm wasting so much energy worrying about all these things that don't matter that right in that moment it was important for Luke and I to go home for many reasons but those reasons didn't need to be ah
00:18:54
Speaker
voiced over and over to help me know that others understand because others didn't need to understand. It wasn't about others. it it was It was about what was right for us. And I wouldn't judge others if they left when they left because they have their reasons and it's not for me to understand or know their reasons because it's, you know, we need to feel worthy and deserving of our decisions, knowing that they
Admiration for Self-Worth and Boundaries
00:19:18
Speaker
are right for us. And if those decisions are right for us, then that is right for us. And what I've learned over the years is I see other people feeling worthy of their own decisions and doing things for them, whether it's not coming to things because it doesn't serve them or leaving early because you know they're out of energy or not speaking up because they don't have the capacity. And I really admire and respect that. But when I do it,
00:19:45
Speaker
I second-guess myself and I worry that it's not enough or that other people will expect more. So really look at how you view other people and what you respect in other people and try to allow yourself that for yourself. We've also got to remember that we will never please everyone. We will never be everybody's cup of tea. Don't waste your time trying. When we people please and we fawn in those moments to try and get people on our side or to try to get people to understand where we're coming from or why we do what we do, we aren't feeling worthy. And if you listen to my last episode on self-worth, you will know that if you are not feeling worthy, you will not manifest what it is that you are wanting to manifest. Whether it is a physical thing, whether it's money, whether it's abundance, whether it's health, whether it's a relaxing life, you will not manifest it.
00:20:39
Speaker
It is so much more than saying the mantra is, I am worthy and deserving. It comes down to things like this, people pleasing and fawning. You're not feeling worthy if you're doing that. We've got to remember that every action we take, every thought, everything we say, the way we react, it's all energy. And if we're constantly trying to prove to others why we're right or why we are the way we are or why we did something or why we didn't do something, why we're the best at this or that, You are a reflection of what you project. This is what you'll get back.
Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
00:21:11
Speaker
Now, this is why I wanted to chat about maths and numbers. I am constantly saying, I am terrible at maths. I quit maths in school. Oh my God, I can't do numbers. I don't understand my profit and loss sheet, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm constantly saying it for a few reasons.
00:21:29
Speaker
The first reason is because it's what I said in school because I didn't want to do maths. So it's kind of like stuck in my subconscious as a bit of a limiting belief, I guess, that I am not good at maths. And it is a limiting belief because if I wanted to be good at maths, I could try. But I'm just not trying because I don't want to. But there you go. You see, i I could try and I actually am going to make myself do Katie's course because I I know I can do better and I almost want to prove to myself, I think proving to yourself is different to proving to others. If you have this desire to prove to yourself that you can do something, bloody do it because I bet you'll feel really fulfilled afterwards. But the second thing with me constantly saying that I'm not good at maths and blah, blah, blah, it's an excuse and I'm holding on to fear because I fear that when people will talk to me about money or ask me things about my business in a financial way,
00:22:28
Speaker
I know I'm already going to be embarrassed about the lack of knowledge I have around money and my own earnings. Because I don't understand it, I don't want to talk about it, so I project this out. as like an excuse as to why my answers aren't going to be great. Oh, I'm really bad at math. So I don't understand. And I kind of make it a bit of a joke and a bit funny. But what I'm actually doing in that moment is I'm putting myself down as like, I'm not capable enough to understand the money side of my own business. So I've realized that I can actually take control of this and do something about it and I am going to do it. It might take me a little bit of time but I am going to do it and I'll report back in the podcast how I go because because it's a lot more than me understanding more about money. This is about me showing myself that I can unseat a limiting belief that I've had in my subconscious for many many years and what I'm excited about is when I change this paradigm in my subconscious mind
00:23:29
Speaker
to I actually really understand money. I understand everything that's going on in my business. I'm really good at reading my profit and loss sheet. I understand my financial goals. I'm really excited to see how money manifests more effortlessly for me. It all kind of comes together. So kind of look at things that you may put yourself down about to other people as like a protective mechanism. So something that you are maybe ashamed of or embarrassed about or too lazy to change. Look at what you say. Look at what you project. Is it about money? Is it about friendships? Is it, Oh, I'm always late because
00:24:07
Speaker
That is a choice that you are making to always be late. It's not a personality trait. You're making it a personality trait, but I can guarantee that you always being late makes the other people in your life feel less respected by you because you're not respecting their time. So things like that, you can actually change and it takes courage to admit it and make those changes. So be really proud of yourself if that's something that you're doing.
Justifying Success and Self-Celebration
00:24:32
Speaker
another thing I've found myself doing this has become like a really personal episode with a lot of personal stories um I didn't mean for it to be but I think this is like these are the kind of stories you guys like so I found myself really justifying how hard I work
00:24:47
Speaker
when everything is going really well. So if I'm getting like lots of orders or lots of people signing up to my course or lots of new listens on my podcast, instead of just really enjoying it and knowing that and trusting that I have done the hard work and I really deserve all of this, instead of that I find myself proving to others as to why it's happened. Yeah, but I spend hours editing my podcast and hours researching topics and, you know, ah gosh, it takes so much time and energy and, you know, oh, I'm only getting orders because I'm paying thousands for ads and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, constantly proving, I guess, to make others comfortable, but also to help others understand. And I guess it's a want from me. I want them to celebrate.
00:25:37
Speaker
my winnings with me and I think in my head if they know how much I struggle to get there they will celebrate with me and they will think I'm deserving because I struggled to get here but we don't need to talk about the struggles because if we talk about the struggles we will manifest more of them into our lives, won't we? But when everything is going well, it's it's amazing and that's all, that it is what it is. Everything's going well, focus on how well it's going and you'll manifest more things that go really well in your life. And if you have other people around you who aren't happy for you and your success, who wanna bring you down when you are succeeding, again, that's their problem, not yours. I know it's hard to detach from that, especially if it's someone that you love or some or people that you you know that are going to be in your life no matter what.
00:26:26
Speaker
but You know, yeah, you're you're allowed to succeed. Things are allowed to go well and you don't need to justify why they're going well. So when you're feeling overwhelmed, when you're feeling under pressure, When you aren't showing up as yourself, give yourself grace. Don't waste your energy proving to others why. Instead, use that energy, trying to fix whatever's going on in your life, working on whatever it is that you want to work on, making your life better for you.
00:26:58
Speaker
ah happier for you, whatever it is for you. So we will finish up that episode there. I hope you liked it. I have got a heap of messages and reviews lately on the Hey, it's me. I'm the problem. It's me. The episode on taking accountability, which I am so excited to hear you guys are resonating with because it's one of the hardest things we can do as humans to take accountability on the things that we aren't so good at and to admit the things that we do or say that are wrong, I guess. So if you haven't listened to that episode, I might link it in the show notes below because it's obviously resonating. It must be the time.
00:27:39
Speaker
the time for it that people want to listen to or resonating with it. Anyway, I always get to the end of the episodes and I'm not making much sense anymore. I am so thankful for you guys. You guys are amazing. I love my community. Jump on the Facebook group if you're not in it already. A huge thank you to today's sponsor, Propeller Advisory. And um yeah, that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. Woohoo! See you next time.
00:28:17
Speaker
oh