Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Episode 50 - ADHD Life With Guest, Lucy (AKA OceanRainbowNoir)
62 Plays1 year ago
Martin (co-mayor of ADHDville) is without his co-mayor, but all is not lost. He is joined by Lucy from the Tik Toks! We talk about her life with Adult ADHD, being a mum of a neurodivergent family, and the challenges she faced moving and living in the UK. Lucy was an absolutely lovely guest and we hope you enjoy the episode.
Follow Lucy on TikTok: @oceanrainbownoir
See our beautiful faces on YouTube
Put quill to paper and send us an email at: ADHDville@gmail.com
ADHD/Focus music from Martin (AKA Thinking Fish)
Theme music was written by Freddie Philips and played by Martin West. All other music by Martin West.
Please remember: This is an entertainment podcast about ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Solo Hosting
00:00:00
Speaker
And here we are. We're back in the room. And ah for the first time ever, I'm back in the room without Paul because he's he's off. But bonus, we have Lucy as a guest. So, you know, you know, we kind of down one, but you know, but but we're up up one. So. All right. So I'm going to say it's going to be weird for me because I'm going to be flying solo. So I'm going to be doing Paul's parts.
Podcast Focus on Adult ADHD
00:00:30
Speaker
um So I think I will just say without much further ado Welcome to ADHDville!
00:01:00
Speaker
It's gonna be okay, isn't it? I'm looking at Eddie. Oh my god, Martin, that's so funny.
00:01:07
Speaker
Oh right, well normally Paul would say, ah he's Paul Thompson and he was diagnosed with ADHD 11 months ago or something but but he's not here. um But it's important to say um that this is an entertainment podcast all about and adult ADHD and especially about late diagnosed um ADHD ah today and does not and we but see Paul actually stumbles in this bit and I'm stumbling as well so let me just gather myself and this this podcast does not substitute for an individualized advice from qualified professionals so don't take any advice from us we're here as a kind of all-inclusive ADHD park bench with room for even everyone including your doppelgangers your alter egos your
00:01:59
Speaker
your body doublos, your chaperones and your best buddies who still here.
ADHDville Metaphor
00:02:04
Speaker
Grab your check packs, pedalo, space hoppers or any other transportation methods and let us take you to ADHDville, an imaginary town we've created in our minds, where we like to explore different parts of AD and ADHD.
00:02:19
Speaker
And I'm Martin West, ah I was diagnosed with the combined poo poo platter, um yeah, 2013. So that's a while ago. um And we start off as always here in the town hall in the mayor's office, where we, the joint mayors of ADHD, take care of business. And I'm not alone, even though Paul's deserted me, um because I've got Lucy in the house. Hi.
00:02:48
Speaker
Did you see him? Oh, i am i thank you for... for for being here. I'm really excited to chat with you and and get your perspective.
ADHD and Caffeine
00:03:01
Speaker
But first, we're going to jump in the cab, and we're going to go over and get a cup of coffee. All right, so just bring the car around. Well, that that's good because this coffee place has it, like it's there.
00:03:37
Speaker
is a stanley but i had it before it became something all right oh you hipster you you you stanley hipster Yeah, it's a good cup. We have about four in our house. We have a white one, a multicolored one, a burnt orange one. And I can't remember what the other one is. I would love a burnt orange one for four.
00:04:06
Speaker
Yeah, yeah gar cf but but that's it right you have to get your Stanley cups in seasonally appropriate colours. Yeah, because this is still summer. I don't love it. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, it's it's ah it's it's it was hot here yesterday. so so but It's a nip in the air. It was 12 degrees this morning, but it's hot again. Yeah. It can't make up its mind, really. I know.
00:04:35
Speaker
so So, um, okay. Can I, firstly, can I get you a drink? as we Yes, please. Can I get a pumpkin spice latte? like There we go. that and i am It's, it's, you know what, it's, it's, it's the thing.
Lucy's ADHD Journey
00:04:52
Speaker
It's the thing, you know, it's what you're doing. Because I've got ADHD meds on board.
00:04:59
Speaker
Oh, yeah. you You know, right. Exactly. i I am the same and Paul's the same, I think, I believe as well. So we're all off the caffeine because, ah yeah, it makes you go wonky. At least it does. Yeah. I used to be able to get away with one in the morning, but my husband has to go decaf because of his migraines. And so I thought I was really kind to join him fully decaf. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:05:29
Speaker
I make my wife a coffee in the morning and there's quite often a little bit of coffee left and I'll and i'll just have like, I'll just have a ah sip. ah you know I'll just have a little mouthful just so that it feels like my my my my brain goes, oh, I've had a coffee. Coffee, yeah.
00:05:50
Speaker
Funny though and um go that. I'm gonna have my usual green tea although I've been enjoying watermelon black tea um which which which is also very nice. I like watermelon but I've never thought about it in black tea before.
00:06:12
Speaker
No, it's good. It's good. I don't know if you can get it your way, but yeah, I've got boxes of the stuff. Right, so ah we obviously kind of met on TikTok. That's that's where but Paul and I are. Actually, it's just it's just me. that That's where ADHD will generally chats with the
00:06:38
Speaker
with everyone. um And the first the first question I i always ask um is is like, what what is your ADHD story?
Impact of Diagnosis and Medication
00:06:51
Speaker
Yeah, come my ADHD story is quite common in the sense that and I grew up a gifted child and struggled, but I think everybody just kind of So I wasn't trying hard enough or something. um Anyway, and I used to be sent out of class because I had to sing to focus. Ding, ding, ding. But the teachers knew I was not a naughty child. But I suppose they didn't know what else to do.
00:07:27
Speaker
So I used to have my little maracara concert in the hallway and by myself to do my work. um But yeah, I did academically. Fantastic. Great. um And then I became a mom in 2011. And from the moment my child came to this world, I knew he was not like any other child that i've ever met in my life and I know other parents will say the same but like I just knew there was something else like that boy was a busy boy he was hyperactive once he could move like he never and he's still the same and he's 13 now and anyway um so he finally got his diagnosis
00:08:18
Speaker
actually, he got his autism diagnosis first. and And during lockdown, and then the clinician said, I think you should think about the ADHD one, because we had tried before when he was four or five. And we got our referral knocked back and said, I think they said he was too young. And so He finally got his ADHD diagnosis, but in that time, doing all that research and collecting stuff for him, it made me reflect on my childhood and my adulthood and the things that perhaps I thought were moral failings that I struggled with, like consistency. Once I'm bored, sorry, um I will try, willpower will get me over the line, but I'm not going to like it. and
00:09:12
Speaker
but it's not nice to be, it's tiring to always be like, effectively bullying yourself to finish things. I don't like, I don't love that. and And that is something that I have been working really hard to combat. m But finally, a year ago, I think, oh, no, no, before that, and I had to have a hysterectomy.
00:09:38
Speaker
last year and the minute even though I kept my ovaries about nine weeks in I went into menopause and my ADHD traits got 100% worth like it was ridiculous. I could not recognize myself anymore. like And I kept saying to my husband, and like I run two businesses. I can't afford to live like this. like What's going on? and So we went. We decided to go private for that. And I got my ADHD diagnosis. And similar to my
00:10:19
Speaker
And my son, after that was completed, and I got on medication and titration, I actually noticed that my autistic traits were more pronounced. And and so um so I was diagnosed with combined ADHD. and um And I'm currently in the throes of getting my autistic, my autism diagnosis as well. And what that tends to do for people is when you first get that diagnosis, A, it's validation because you knew that life can't possibly be that difficult. and Is it just me? Did I miss a lecture of life?
00:11:05
Speaker
like yeah like did what Did I miss notes? like What's going on? and So that's the first thing. Second, it kind of um opens you up to getting the right adequate support for yourself and being able to basically state your reasonable adjustments, which you needed all along, but you felt like you couldn't ask for, and because you don't, I don't know whether it's a British thing, you don't want to make a fuss.
Intentional Parenting and Neurodivergence
00:11:39
Speaker
um Yeah, it's a Brit thing. Yeah. And so like now I'm um very much
00:11:47
Speaker
Like if I feel I need some like support or reasonable adjustments, I do speak up about it. um Yeah. So that is effectively my story. round about way Yeah. Cause it's, it's, yeah, it's so common, isn't it? And we, we hear it a lot where you go into lockdown, you know, one that's always, you know, when people are much more introspective.
00:12:18
Speaker
um And, you know and you're you know, and you'll have a kid or so or someone else in the family, and this is certainly a kid, you know, and and they get diagnosed. And then you start to kind of go, man, I was like that when I was a kid, like, like, there's there's a lot you can relate to. And then, yeah, then it kind of slowly dawns on you that it's hereditary. And then you're like, oh, wait a second.
00:12:45
Speaker
Is it me? Is it me? Is it my fault? What's going on? But yeah, that that that whole you know thinking that it's you and that it's a personality flaw in you and you know that everyone else seems to have been handed out the rule book at some point and you've somehow not got it and and even when you do know the rules it seems to be like doesn't fit you doesn't doesn't quite you know it's like yeah all all that is like is like so familiar but um
00:13:24
Speaker
I'm always I mean Paul I mean I can speak for Paul as as well we are very aware that we are men that we are white men that that that the world is you know even though I may say right well I've got ADHD and it comes with a bunch of problems In the scale of problems, um i have the the so society will accept my problems more readily.
00:13:57
Speaker
I think will make more accommodations for people like Paul and myself, because we're white and we've got beards and we're old, we're old or whatever, you know, like, whereas whereas, you know, if you if if you are, yes, a cisgendered female and it's it's I mean, even that and if you're if you're black as well. That that that must place further obstacles.
00:14:28
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. I think um I do sit at various intersections, if we're talking about that, for sure, like being, I'm chronically ill. and I deal with long term conditions and chronic pain 24 seven. um And being neurodivergent, being black, being a woman, those are like,
00:14:54
Speaker
do like crossover. and And I feel like I experienced the world in a different complete way to let's say my husband who is a white male. And all right so, yeah. And I think lately it's been getting better to sort of like speak up and talk about those intersections.
00:15:21
Speaker
Whereas I would say if you grew up in the 90s, that would be a no um at all. You just like try better, do better. like Don't complain. Stop sniveling. Get on with it. Yeah. so And I think um as a millennial parent,
00:15:42
Speaker
um my views on parenting my children are um intentional, um in the sense that my house is very much a haven where you don't have to mask if you don't want to. And so I'm very, very strict on without sounding too woo, and what energies come into my house. And yeah because I don't want my children feeling shame for their neurotypes.
00:16:20
Speaker
um in any way, um which is something that I am healing from myself. um Because well, when you when you know better, you do better. And I think my mom did the best that she could with the knowledge that she had. So um yeah, so there's no shade there. But like, I'm intentional about how Um, my autistic, my um ADHD children, um, are allowed to be. Yeah.
00:16:56
Speaker
No, exactly. Because, you know, yeah, you're, well, I you know i think you you're probably like me in that when we were growing up, there was no safe space outside or in inside. And in fact, all you ended up just going is you would just go into yourself because that was the only place that you could go. So, so you know, it's that it's so so important to have that kind of haven, um you know, for kids yeah to to to actually be themselves and to know that it's oh okay, right? Because, you know, because as kids, you know, and when we and as they grow up into into adults, like that they'll carry that
00:17:46
Speaker
through, you know, so if they have kids at some point, it'll be like, no, no, no, this is, you know, this is what my mum did for us. And this is how this is a much, you know, so they'll replicate these safe spaces and, and And the and it just yeah all these kind of good things, yeah ku you can change generations ahead of you you, your kids, your great grandkids. If ADHD is hereditary, it it'll just run down the
00:18:24
Speaker
yeah your your family, you are you creating this kind of safer, more accepting space. So, um yeah.
00:18:36
Speaker
That's great. I love it.
Benefits of ADHD Medication
00:18:39
Speaker
I love all of that. But yeah, I mean, going back to the late diagnosed thing. Mm hmm. I mean, you know, for. For me, I was, you know, like it always comes up sometimes like. If if you're, you know, if you're a late diagnosed, is is is there any point in getting diagnosed? And my my thing is, oh, yeah, even if I was 90,
00:19:07
Speaker
I would still want to know. Yeah, I'm the same for sure. um It does so much for your sense of self. It's not tangible what it does. Practically, of course, yeah, there is practical stuff um like being able to actually focus and do things. I'm telling you that um before I had ADHD meds, trying to get will myself off the sofa. I have to give myself an hour to will myself off the sofa to make dinner every single night. And because it's just I know what I need to do is just starting it was so difficult. And so and that obviously gets internalized like come on. ah Thousands of moms across England right now are getting up and making
00:20:07
Speaker
like dinner what is your problem get up you know and that's not good for my sense of self and um that wasn't good for my sense of self whereas like practically with ADHD meds um my life flows better my emotional regulation is better i never really wanted to be a shouty mother so like, being able to say I, it's very rare that I yell at my children now. That is such a plus for me. And and like,
00:20:44
Speaker
even down to um sort of like, mindlessly eating. Just to find that dopamine, like, that's like a nun thing now. Whereas before, it was such a difficulty. And I like it's The tentacles are really spread. you know It's just, yeah, it has so much positive things for me. And that is why it gets my goat when people who don't understand what ADHD medication is, how it works, are spouting things. Like one of my friends said that
00:21:31
Speaker
Um, she did not want her child to be medicated because he would turn into a zombie.
Medication Shortage Challenges
00:21:40
Speaker
Oh, right. Yeah. And like, I had to correct her because like, I'm not having that misinformation. And like for my child, he never wanted to be medicated until he started secondary school. And even then I said, okay, let's see a week or two. See how you do. Let me know.
00:22:01
Speaker
And two weeks went by. He said he still wanted to go on ADHD medication. And I said, OK, that's fine. And it was his choice. He chooses to only take its term time because it benefits him during the summer holidays. We are all living in chaos. It's great. And yeah, so I just feel like that's what my soapbox about how much um I know other people choose not to be medicated and that's their choice but for me between my ADHD medication and my HRT those are the two things that keep me functional in life and like yeah you'll have to get it from my cold dead hand essentially and
00:22:49
Speaker
Oh, yeah. No, I mean, I I remember but um we we had a big ADHD meds shortage. Must be about a year ago now. And it was it was starting to to dry up as everywhere. um In the end, I was like, I started to halve my my my dose just to make them last longer.
00:23:19
Speaker
Even to the extent that um i i had to draw i I drove five hours to a pharmacy in Maryland, ah because I was phoning up but i was phing ran and um and i I found some there.
00:23:37
Speaker
um but yeah i mean that was one of the last one of the last places i could get it so yeah it's uh not not having it um yeah i um i know that uh on those days that i i forget to have my my meds I'm kind of generally a little, I mean, i'm I struggle on those days. um And I'm like, why am I struggling so much? as Oh, God, I forgot to have my pleasure meds, didn't I? and then and the they like Well, it's like it's like it's like 3.30 in the afternoon. If I have it too late now, is it going to be up half the night now?
00:24:23
Speaker
I've had that conversation too with myself. yeah because like we had We had a shortage here and um I actually went two months without my medication and and that was really painful. and like i Before it ran out I was doing work days only.
00:24:43
Speaker
um And then when my town couldn't film my prescription, my mom's a pharmacist and I would ask her to phone all her pharmacist friends and find out if anybody has any so of contact. I know it was amazing. And, but they'll be like, Oh, sorry, we haven't got any. And I'm like, Oh my God. Or sometimes I'm like, yeah, we have some. And then I'll have to post it to that pharmacy. Like it was such a thing. Um, and like,
00:25:13
Speaker
being back on it, like, I am not on what I want to be on. I'm not on concerta, which is why I work best for me. I am on a variant of it. And it's not 100%. It's like 80%, which is good enough, to be honest. and like That's how low my expectations are now. But the difference is like it's clear nine and day and oh yeah yeah it's like yeah so i i used to be on um uh uh on vi events which is called l l events in the and that was
00:25:56
Speaker
And that was, for me, was like driving a nice German BMW, right? That's really efficient, got me there. But now I'm on ammon um'm on this Adderall, and it's a little bit like being in a Fiat Uno. i mean I mean, it will get me there. It's just notice not It's just a bit clunkier. I think that's like such a good like comparison. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
00:26:23
Speaker
Because I tried different ones. I tried accented and zagatin. And zagatin was better for me than accented. I don't know what the difference is. and But my mom was like, they're by similar, they should work. And I'm like, well, with a derm.
00:26:39
Speaker
Yeah, I know yeah because because like when it starts to hit your bloodstream, it just feels different. <unk> you can You can feel it kind of running around yeah you your system.
00:26:54
Speaker
it it so So for me, um this this brand of Adderall that I'm on is a little bit like when you have a little bit too much coffee and you need get and it's a little bit to jarring, so a little bit jittery.
00:27:09
Speaker
It's not bad, but, you know, yeah, anyway. Yeah. So, um, uh, you were, um, you went to, I can remember on your TikToks, you were, you were, you went to Nigeria.
Cultural Experiences in Nigeria
00:27:26
Speaker
Yeah. Was it for a friend's wedding? It was my cousin's wedding. Cousin's wedding. Yeah. yeah And the last time I went there was for my own wedding 15 years ago. So it was a massive gap. And like now that I've been, I'm not going to leave it that long anymore. And it's just because it's a combination of things and always being used to going to Nigeria with my mom.
00:27:53
Speaker
The thought of not going with her scared me too much. and Right. Because I was like, oh my God, I'll have to actually deal with like stuff because my mum sorts everything. She's like, sorts accommodations, sorts transport. Like, she's like, yeah. Whereas like now that I've been, there's Uber now, I don't have to worry. Like, it's OK. Oh, nice. It's like, Mum, we had this all along. We could have been doing this.
00:28:22
Speaker
Yeah, so it was weird, but like the kind of fear that I had and before I went was obviously not been like not seen some of my family for such a long time. And the image of me is like a teenager, new adult. And like me being on this, I've been on this journey for about two and a half years of trying to not mask consciously. There are times when I do mask unconsciously, obviously, but I'm wondering how that would translate yeah um in Nigeria, am where the louder you are, the better. um And
00:29:16
Speaker
People who know me, know me as this vivacious character and always up for a tin wag, which is true. That's me, but I'm actually an introvert, which people find so hard to believe. Um, but it is true. Like socializing drains me. Um, and I require a lot more solitude than normal people do. Yeah. So like.
00:29:45
Speaker
knowing that I'm going there for this week of, quite frankly, sensory assault, because and it's very hot, it's 36 degrees of standard, and it's noisy. um There is loads of demand for you to join in to do things. And so I suppose before I went, I had to make my make sure I had a plan of how I was going to manage that. And so I basically, um I was sharing a room with my sister, my sister is 10 years younger than me. m And so, and but she also requires the same thing that I do. Right. And so like, what it looked like was me going to the cousin's hangout on the Thursday night.
00:30:42
Speaker
And then coming back at 11, leaving everybody else to do what they want to do, come home at 3am. That's fine. But that meant I could be in my room, have my nice cup of bedtime tea, like I always do, and decompress and go to bed like that. And then also um during the actual wedding, I took my loops with me to to make sure that it wasn't too much.
00:31:10
Speaker
and And I stepped out of the venue a couple of times just for a bit of a break. And and then um I went, so the wedding, the actual wedding started at 11 a.m. right And um I left after, I left the reception at 7 p.m. And my sister did not come home from the after party till 3.30 a.m.
00:31:40
Speaker
So, um, it was a long day, but Nigerians, we know how to party. So that was that. Um, I did what I needed to do for myself. Um, and in order to make sure that like, I wasn't going to implode or anything.
00:32:02
Speaker
Right. Oh yeah, yeah. No, I mean that's that's interesting because I guess my old mentality about going on holiday or fake vacation used to be Right, well, I'm going to leave my normal life behind and I'm now going to be doing this other thing like beachy thing or whatever it is. And and and on the one hand, it's kind of fine because there are no rules and you can be spontaneous and you can, you know, stuff. But if you forget.
00:32:35
Speaker
all of your, you know, like there are certain sort of um or say habits, ah well, routines, I think is probably the better word, right, that that actually just kind of make sure that you're okay. so as yeah As you say, it's just like, okay, I'm being overstimulated. I need to kind of take myself out. I need to wear hoops. I need to kind of like just um ah respect my own my own mental health and make and make sure that that is a priority. um Whereas you I wouldn't normally think about that usually. I'd just be like, holidays, rules free, just do what you want. and then
00:33:22
Speaker
And then you will say, right, or you know when you come back, it's like, oh, God, I need a holiday after that that holiday. and yeah Yeah, I mean, I've certainly what what what is a Nigerian wedding like? Oh, my God. is hot look Yeah. OK, so and.
00:33:48
Speaker
without generalizing because there's loads of different tribes. But it's usually you have the traditional wedding, which is in traditional garb where the groom goes to the bride's family and shows that he can provide for the bride's family and for the bride by bringing all these gifts that were on a list. okay And it's theatre. It's great.
00:34:15
Speaker
and and then there's dancing and then you if you're a Christian um you would have the church wedding as well i which is the white wedding my and um after that It's the usual vowels and, you know, all that stuff. And then you have like a reception, which is like a regular reception where you eat and dance and repeat the same conversation to various aunties times 20.
00:34:46
Speaker
and Yes. Are there speeches? theyre um Huh? Or is that just a simple question? Sometimes. Sometimes there are. Yeah, sometimes. Yes. All right. There's definitely prayers. There's loads of those. Oh, OK. And then um the adults go home. Well, adults, elderly folks. And then there's the after party. Right. So that's a Nigerian wedding. Nice. It sounds like, for what you're saying, it's a it's a raucous
00:35:26
Speaker
party. There's pyrotechnic indoors usually. Oh yeah okay fireworks. Just go on hashtag Nigerian weddings have a look. I went to um to uh I I worked in in India for a while and I and and I went to an Indian Indian wedding yeah and that was that was that was fun that was similar vibes yeah I I guess so it was uh yeah that was cock that was quite an experience um yeah because it's it's like all right so how how did people react I guess you know to you knowing you was this kind of
00:36:16
Speaker
outgoing extrovert and then you kind of going hang on I'm just gonna kind of I have I'm gonna duck this party yeah and yes so um when I left the wedding on Thursday the traditional wedding I left early with my sister because my sister was Paulie so I didn't really need to explain that and on Saturday I left the main party um for like a valid reason, i because I live with quite a lot of pain conditions. And I just said to my mum, where's the drive? I need to go home. I've had enough now. My body hurts, which was true. and But it also did benefit my sensory um needs as well. So yeah, that was it really. That was how I dealt with it. And and
00:37:10
Speaker
The morning I arrived in Nigeria, I arrived like at six zero in the morning at the hotel we were staying. We took over a whole hotel and um I had told my mum I'd be down for breakfast at nine. Thought I could have a three-hour nap because I didn't sleep very well on the plane. I found it really difficult. oh yeah and And so like about seven or eight, someone was banging my door and it was my cousins. They wanted to come and see me. i They were excited. They were excited to see me. They didn't see me in ages. But I knew I needed to nap. And like, if you want, if you have to know one thing, do not get in between me and my sleep. Like, if you want me to be smiley and happy and pleasant to be around, let me sleep.
00:38:00
Speaker
So I just pretend i I pretended I didn't hear them knock. And like, that was that I did what I needed to do for myself. So it wasn't too awkward. All right. So yeah, cool. All right.
00:38:14
Speaker
So it was a fun time. You know what? i i ah Something struck me just a while ago when when when you were talking, you were saying that your younger sister yeah also has um site similar similar is similar to you.
Eldest Child with ADHD Dynamics
00:38:33
Speaker
And one thought i thought i've been I've been kicking around in in in my head and Is the, ah is the idea of if you have like ADHD or your autistic or combined or whatever, if, if you're the eldest child,
00:38:49
Speaker
how that affects you versus being maybe a middle child or a younger child. Are you the eldest? eldest right like yeah like Like me. So I'm the elest eldest of two. or Although my brother, ah don't I don't think, I mean, he he doesn't appear to have ADHD. um But um
00:39:17
Speaker
i if If you're the one going into the world first um and your sister's kind of like coming up behind you, ah is is is it different for you, do you think, than it is for for her? Yeah, for sure. and with Without touching on the eldest daughter immigrant experience,
00:39:46
Speaker
without touching that separately. and Just generally being the oldest, you are the first pancake, aren't you? You're the guinea pig. This didn't work. Let's try it differently next time. Yeah. And even I can acknowledge that in regards to my kids, because I have three. um The way I handled my eldest toddler hood is not the same way that I did my other two because I learned like it was better. um As far as me, um I suppose it's similar in the sense that I'm usually the person that has to have the serious conversations
00:40:42
Speaker
Right. Right. Right. Yeah. and Yeah, exactly. I kind of find that I think my guess is that the eldest ones have to mask heavier because they are they are navigating the world, you know, ah for yeah first, you know, so. Yeah. So it would be you going to the new school first. we You.
00:41:11
Speaker
doing everything first and then you can then you can turn turn around and and you and and then the people behind you, yeah your sisters and or whatever can can see what, yeah can kind of like learn from what you're doing, right? so yeah yeah So you end up having to be much more heavily masked, I think, and much more careful and much more reserved.
00:41:38
Speaker
um Yeah, I'd agree with that. Like, for example, when my sister was a teenager, she got a person there. right um Imagine up to a Nigerian household with a person that you hadn't asked for permission to get. and But she did it because she could get away with it, and she did. Like, I would never, I just wouldn't even think I could get away with it. So I would never have done it. And so it's just that's one small way.
00:42:10
Speaker
Sure. That I suppose my mom doesn't, I suppose my mom with my sister kind of thinks, okay. Yeah. Lucy turned out all right. It's fine. Like let's go. Um, like, yeah. So I think because they can see how their methods may or may not have worked.
00:42:32
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's that first pancake. Yeah. Different hills to die on. Right. Yeah, no yeah absolutely. Different hills to die on. Yeah, because you kind of work out what are the ones that are worth dying on. Yeah. um Yeah. And as as you were saying earlier, know for you, that is the whole thing is compounded. if If you are an immigrant as well, then you're culturally
00:43:11
Speaker
having to deal with a lot of that as as as well. as soac So I mean, I'm not in the same boat no in that I came from the UK. I went to yeah America, but the cultures are they are quite different, but they're quite similar and also I'm white and I'm male. So so yeah the it it makes things easier.
00:43:41
Speaker
um um But I imagine, you know, I mean, I get us a small sense of how to deal with a different culture, but, you know, with ADHD or whatever autistic combo. But yeah, I mean, i you i can I can get a sense of, for you, it's actually a lot more pronounced. It's a lot more sort of the obstacles are much
00:44:13
Speaker
And also, I suppose being a teenager as well growing up in the UK, you wanted to do what your friends were doing and yeah your parents are like, nah, that's not for you. Sit and study, like you're not going anywhere, like stuff like that, you know, it's just you grow up knowing that, yes, I am in this culture, but I also have another culture that I have to carry as well.
00:44:41
Speaker
And it's carrying, like, I suppose I have done a lot of work in trying to figure out how to manage my dwell heritage, because, like, I have two plus books, I have two cultures, like, it's always been that way. And it's the same for my kids, like, again, but unlike me, though, i and I suppose They are the same in the fact that they live in a white majority community as well as I did when I was a teenager. And so there are different sort of conversations that we have with them and them being mixed and I being um British Nigerian. So we all have like various conversations about
00:45:38
Speaker
things that might come up, situations that come up. We deal with them when they, like, as they come, but they're certain ones. Like when my eldest was, I think he was about six or seven, um he went to nurse, like after school holiday thing. And a child said to him um that they didn't want to play with him because he was brown. And and I knew that that wasn't from that child.
00:46:08
Speaker
like that child learned that and so my um priority was for a my child's well-being and b um making sure that the adults in that setting like were aware of it and dealt with it appropriately and and so yeah little things like that come up now and then and like I don't want them to, I see my doll heritage as a good thing. Like I know loads of people struggle with not fitting, but if you're not a divergent, you already don't fit in. Let's be frank. That's where I was going to go. but yeah It almost feels like you have the toolkit to navigate that just because you yeah you're neurodivergent, as you say, and ah you have to
00:47:02
Speaker
you're used to having to kind of work out what the rules are and and also being slightly more comfortable with not fitting in. um and ah yeah yeah Interesting isn't is it where ADHD, autism in your divergences in this culture change thing. where it It actually kind of helps you for a while, at least. kind like Just kind of just kind of it's to so to so to survive somewhere else ah in ah in a culture where you're probably the same. When you arrive like here, like
00:47:49
Speaker
All the basic stuff that you knew how to do at home, like where to go to get your hair cut, how to get a stamp, where, how does the real basic stuff work? And then you arrive in a new country and like, I don't know anything. I literally don't know anything. I've got to find out all over. Yeah. Yeah.
00:48:11
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. No, that that's oh, that's given me a whole new thing to to think about there about the whole yeah immigration immigrant new culture thing ADHD survival blimey. Nice. I like that. um Okay, so we're on 48
Conclusion and Podcast Engagement
00:48:35
Speaker
a minute. So I guess is is there anything else? Anything else that um that Yeah, have we covered ever everything, I guess, is the... Yeah, more or less. More or less. All right. We're just checking because, you know, sometimes. Sometimes. um All right. Well, in that case, what we're going to do is we're going to... I think we'll... um
00:49:05
Speaker
We'll kind of draw on here. It's been absolutely fantastic talking to you. um but you know fa will have ah Yeah, He will listen to this to this episode. So so basically what's what's happening with him is his in He's doing some work for someone and it was the last day. ah think yeah I think he's building things. He's building stuff. But i get I get text from him like, it's a nightmare.
00:49:39
Speaker
um It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So ah it yeah, it was it was. Yeah. So he's going to be talking about that in a in a in possibly the next episode after after after this, I i suspect um any who. So it's his loss that that that that he's not here. But um the thanks for coming. um thank yeah I'm going to hit the ah the the outro button um and then the music will slowly fade in.
00:50:14
Speaker
Oh, there he comes. There he comes. So this just leaves me to say that... Where's my notes? That ADHD, here we go. ADHD Bill is...
00:50:28
Speaker
is is delivered fresh every Tuesday to all purveyors of fine podcasts please subscribe to the pod and rate us most magnificent and feel free to correspond at will in the comments but wait there's more if you wish to see our beautiful beautiful faces um well uh and if if you want to see Moses beautiful face uh you can sell it for to the YouTubes and the TikToks. And you can only also pick up a Quill and email email us at adhdwill at gmail dot.com.