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36: Faith-Filled Parenting: How To Talk To Your Kid About Sex
241 Plays3 years ago
Jill asked Hannah Lang and Laura Fleetwood to be a part of this new series about Faith-Filled Parenting. Hannah is the Director of Children’s Ministry at Messiah St. Charles. Laura is Jill’s spiritual mentor and mom to two teenage daughters. Hannah will tackle the elementary age (birth-5th grade) and Laura Fleetwood will tackle the secondary age (6th-12th grade).
Resources from Hannah:
*"4 Tips for talking about the Birds & the Bees"
*Birds & Bees and Instagram @birds_bees
*Parent Conversation Guides: Sexual Integrity
*Recommended books: How God Makes Babies by Dr. Jim Burns and God Made Your Body by Dr. Jim Burns
Normal Goes A Long Way Website: https://www.normalgoesalongway.com/
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Normal Goes A Long Way is brought to you by Messiah St. Charles: https://messiahstcharles.org/
Use my special link https://zen.ai/normalgoesalongway and use Normal Goes A Long Way to save 30% off your first three months of Zencastr professional. #madeonzencastr
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Transcript
Introduction to Jill Devine and Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production. Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members-only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith.
Podcast's Mission Statement
00:00:28
Speaker
The Normal Goes Along Way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation.
00:00:39
Speaker
I'm Jill Levine here with Handling and soon, Laura Fleetwood ready to tackle another topic.
Faith-Filled Parenting: Talking about Sex
00:00:45
Speaker
We are currently talking faith-filled parenting, how to talk to your kid about insert topic here. And today, another one that's a little uncomfortable, like the death, but maybe, I don't know if it's as uncomfortable, sex.
00:01:02
Speaker
talking to your kids about sex so obviously with Hannah taking the elementary age and Laura taking the secondary age it's gonna be very different
00:01:19
Speaker
Laura's I might be sweating a little bit more on. So we'll just get right into it Hannah. How and when do you start talking to your child about the birds and the bees?
Ongoing Conversations about Sex
00:01:28
Speaker
Well I have to break it to you Jill. It's not one conversation. Oh great. Yeah.
00:01:34
Speaker
This is an early and often kind of thing. So I think, I know, the idea of having the talk, the sex talk, it's a little outdated and research shows that it doesn't work. Okay. All right. Yeah. So let's go there.
Teaching Body Positivity and Integrity
00:01:49
Speaker
So what works is more of thinking about it as a dialogue.
00:01:51
Speaker
Okay it's kind of like a drip drip drip drip drip kind of thing does that make sense like little pieces here and there little pieces here and there yes and you start all the way down when your kids are infants and babies and preschoolers and so obviously you're not going to have a discussion about what intercourse is at that age
00:02:13
Speaker
Right. But you want to set the foundation and sex is a lot about your body. And so one of the wonderful ways you can start talking about sex with your kids or just sexual integrity as they get older is to remember that God made them. So we want them to know that their body is good.
00:02:34
Speaker
God made your body. I say thanks to my little kiddo. He's one and a half. Like, God made your legs. Where's your nose? God made your nose. God made your strong arms. Where's your arms? So even as I'm teaching him the names of body parts, I remind him God made those.
00:02:52
Speaker
I think a part of sexuality and sexual integrity is understanding God made your body, your body is good, God made you in his image, which means that's good, and we want to protect and respect and love our bodies. Absolutely. Speaking of body parts. Yes. I will say that we have
00:03:16
Speaker
done a fairly decent job of making sure and this is going to actually get debated too.
Using Correct Anatomical Terms
00:03:24
Speaker
But when we are talking to the girls, it's wiping your vagina. And I know technically I should be saying vulva. But anyway, it's important to use the correct
00:03:42
Speaker
body part terminology, correct? It totally is. Yeah, it totally is because you're really protecting them because you don't want the first time your children hear those words to be when they're understanding sexual intercourse, right? So when you get to the point that you're explaining the physics of where a baby comes from or
00:04:03
Speaker
If they're in a situation, God forbid, where there's inappropriate behavior happening, you want to be sure that children understand the real words for things so they can be safe. So using those words correctly and in a matter-of-fact way will prevent shame and secrecy.
00:04:22
Speaker
Oh, okay. Or silliness. You know, shame, secrecy, or silliness. So those aren't my words. I got them from a great resource that I'd love to share with you later. But part of the reason that we want to use those real words is because there's nothing bad or wrong with having a vagina or a vulva or a penis because God made those things.
00:04:43
Speaker
So those are good. We never want to make a child feel shameful about their body. So if we're shushing them or not using the right words or not letting them talk about it, it's saying that maybe something's wrong or bad with their body. But that's not what God intended. That's not the way God made it. There is privacy and that's a different thing. That's a different conversation. You can also start in the preschool years, but yeah, using those correct words might be hard for parents. My husband and I joke about it a little bit sometimes. You know, he was taught to call it his hoo hoo dilly.
00:05:15
Speaker
But she does not love what I just said on the podcast. Don't listen. But yeah, we really want to teach them that it's not a bad word, right? Those aren't bad words. That's not a bad thing. You don't need to feel shameful or silly or secret because that protects them and it reminds them that God made those things and so those are good things.
00:05:35
Speaker
Okay so you start talking about the body parts and I don't know if this goes into it as well but you know even just stuff that I have discussed on my other podcast with being a mom to girls is that body shame that body image and promoting the fact that like not hiding and you know what if you're gonna run around the house naked we can't
00:06:06
Speaker
my husband and I don't make a big deal out of it. But I'm just wondering, is that part of this as well? That we don't want you to do this in public.
Teaching Privacy and Safety
00:06:15
Speaker
Right. So there's a conversation about privacy. Yes. Yeah. Privacy. So that's also a good safety thing to teach them.
00:06:21
Speaker
Just because you've got the words for penis or vagina or whatever doesn't mean that those are public things. You can use the phrase like, those are private. We don't show them to people. And then you can go into the conversation of no one gets to touch your privates. When you have a preschooler or an early elementary kid who understands more about
00:06:46
Speaker
different situations and different people have different levels of acceptability, right? So when my sister takes her four-year-old to the pediatrician, she'll say, this is Dr. So-and-so, because mommy's here, it's okay that Dr. So-and-so touches you here. Even though it's private, no one except for mommy or Dr. So-and-so. So keeping those conversations like open and starting early really sets a good foundation for what privacy means. And then it can kind of lead into
00:07:15
Speaker
It's okay to tell someone no if you don't want them to touch you there. So privacy is also a gateway into kind of protecting them and keeping them safe. Is it safe to assume that when it comes to bringing in the faith component, it's definitely much different for the secondary age than it is the elementary age?
00:07:43
Speaker
Sure. And obviously Laura is going to explain that a little bit more too, but I guess I'm feeling more like back to the technology talk that we had. You know, there are some of these topics that you don't want to bring
00:08:00
Speaker
you don't wanna make it too cheesy or too forced. So would that pertain to this age or do you disagree? No, I think it totally does because it goes back to your values and what you want them to know big picture. So like when we're teaching our children the names of things and we're saying God made you, that is good. That brings a faith component into it, a faith lens. And it reminds the kids that your bodies came from God.
Faith's Role in Understanding Sexuality
00:08:27
Speaker
There's also kind of
00:08:29
Speaker
the idea of what beliefs and values do you want your children to have around sexuality? And not just sexuality as far as intercourse goes, right? But how they see themselves, how they treat other people, how they understand what it works, big questions about where do babies come from, that kind of thing. My faith informs how I want to answer those things. And my faith informs how I want my children to understand them.
00:08:58
Speaker
And so, especially in the preschool years, when you're talking about God made your body, God made you good, that is bringing that faith component in there. And then in the elementary years, you are still talking about God's plan. What God planned for you, God's plan is good.
00:09:18
Speaker
And so you're really kind of just thinking about the big picture of values and if you want your faith to inform the way your children see themselves and see others and treat others and experience sexuality. All right. So before Laura comes on, would you provide some last minute
00:09:38
Speaker
encouraging words and also the resources. Yeah, of course. Yeah, so I would say if you kind of want to frame it into two different areas, your preschool and your elementary, I would say in preschool years, you're really introducing your kids to their body and defining what privacy is. And then in your elementary years, you're informing them. Elementary kids have a lot of questions, right?
00:10:02
Speaker
A lot of questions, so you're informing them more about specifics so they can understand biology and build those skills around privacy and understanding how things work. So I have a lot of good resources for you. I'm going to mention a few of them. First is a sexual integrity timeline.
00:10:20
Speaker
So it's similar to the timeline that I mentioned in the last episode. This has preschool through elementary, the middle school through high school. And this just kind of gives you some good prompts to understand where your children are at and their development and maybe some things you could say to them.
00:10:35
Speaker
We also have a few guides. It's called the conversation guide for parents of preschoolers or conversation guide for parents of elementary kids. It gives you some really specific say this, don't say that. I love resources like that. It makes it simple, right? Really simple.
00:10:53
Speaker
Like for example, elementary age kids, let's say ages four to six, you could say things like, I'm so glad you asked me, or where did you hear about that? Or what do you think that means? Or you're so beautiful the way you are, because that's how God made you. So these guys are full of really specific good things to say and things not to say.
00:11:14
Speaker
Before we continue this week's conversation, I'd actually like to talk to you about how I'm able to even have this conversation with you.
Zencastr's Role in Podcasting
00:11:22
Speaker
And the reason I can is because of Zincaster. Let me first explain, when I first started podcasting on my own at home, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know if I should interview people through the phone, through my computer, how do I do any of this?
00:11:43
Speaker
And it was actually a fellow podcaster that told me about Zincaster. Well, when I started my podcast at home, it was right before the pandemic hit. And Zincaster was offering this awesome platform where you could record virtually and they offered a free version. And I jumped on it and I have been using Zincaster ever since.
00:12:07
Speaker
I have since upgraded to the professional option, which allows me to do my podcasting in an easier way. So what I mean by that is I'm able to take the episode that I'm recording and when it gets produced, I'm able to get the transcript, which equals show notes, which equals me not having to go back through, type out a bunch of stuff,
00:12:35
Speaker
to talk about what is on the particular episode that I'm recording. And here's the great thing about Zincaster.
00:12:44
Speaker
you are able to try it for free. And again, I started out with the hobbyist account, which is the free version. So just know that there are options for you. But if you would like to try out the professional account, which is what I'm doing right now, here's what you should do. Go to zencaster.com slash pricing and use my code NORMALGOESALONGWAY.
00:13:06
Speaker
You'll get 30% off your first three months of Zincaster Professional. I want you to have the same easy experiences that I do for all my podcasting and content needs. It's time to share your story. And speaking of stories, let's get back to this week's conversation. And I'm going to say one last thing on this. People can, especially your kiddos, they can feel when
00:13:32
Speaker
It's uncomfortable, you know, you don't necessarily know it but the more you can you know Just take a deep breath before you have the conversation and let them know that you are there to talk I mean I have a lot of work to do my this is where I talked to parents ahead of me and I'm like, all right What do they say when you do this and right, you know not to react and just because you
00:13:59
Speaker
You'd be surprised at the age that we're talking about, this elementary age, how much they get exposed to and what they're going to say. Right. Well, and I don't want to scare you, but the fact is that I recently heard it is as likely that a child will view pornographic images accidentally as it is that they will view them on purpose.
00:14:20
Speaker
So it's going to happen. At some point, our children will view things that are inappropriate for them to see. We want them to know ahead of time what's happening, hopefully in those situations. And just remember, it's not a one-off conversation. No. It's a dialogue over and over and over. You become more comfortable as you
00:14:41
Speaker
grow and learn right if you are starting at the preschool age you're becoming more and more comfortable saying things like penis and vulva and Then you learn about privacy and yes get older and ask questions and you're kind of growing with them together And then I just want to give two more
00:14:58
Speaker
Two more resources. Oh, three, I'm sorry. So Jim Burns is a really wonderful author. Some of you may have heard of him. He is a ministry leader and an author and a doctor. And he's got two great books I recommend. One is called God Made Your Body. That's a really great one to read to your young ones. And then another book is called How God Makes Babies. And they're really factual. They've got all the right words for things and just gives parents
00:15:25
Speaker
some language to use. And then another resource is called Birds and Bees. So this is a group. These two women have this organization called Birds and Bees. You can follow them on Instagram. They have a course that you can purchase. They do talk about this kind of stuff from the faith perspective, but what I'd love to link is they've got a free download called Four Tips for Talking About the Birds and the Bees.
00:15:49
Speaker
So that gives some really good content and just to encouragement, like we said in the first episode, no shame, no guilt. If you look back and think, oh, I handled that differently or I wish I would have started earlier, just remember God's grace covers all things. Kids are resilient and it's never too late to start having important conversations. It's time to get the secondary age perspective and Laura sex.
00:16:18
Speaker
Sex, baby. I know. Some, you know, I like I said it with Hannah. Does this make you uncomfortable? You're kind of shifting in your seat a little bit. Death and sex. Yeah, a little bit it is. But I don't know. I don't want to put words in your mouth. But when we talked about the death conversation,
00:16:42
Speaker
I kind of feel like the more we start talking about it, the sooner we talk about it, the easier it might be. And it might be a little bit easier for the kiddos. Right. Introducing it at an early age. Yeah.
Fostering a Healthy Sex Life
00:16:57
Speaker
Yeah. So, okay. Let's start at the beginning. Sex is a natural part of life. Just like death. Just like death. Right? We are made to be sexual beings. Right.
00:17:10
Speaker
That is important for the kids to know. Like it's not, it doesn't have to be a taboo subject. Right. And so yes, the way you respond in those early years to the questions about private parts, um, how our baby is made, you know, all of those things matters. Again, non-anxious presence, giving the kids grace for asking and giving yourself grace for how you're going to respond. Again, the goal.
00:17:39
Speaker
is to foster adults who have a healthy sex life. Like we want our kids, when they get married, to enjoy sex and to have it be a fulfilling part of their marriage. So we really do have to be careful about how we approach it from the get-go. Now obviously, what you explain to
00:18:05
Speaker
a kindergartner is going to be vastly different from what you explained to a teenager or an early adolescent. This is what we did.
00:18:15
Speaker
And this wasn't like intentional in my mind. I didn't go, okay, this is how we're going to make it comfortable in our family to talk about sex. But it's just what happened. We started watching the series Friends. Oh, okay. Yes. With our kids. Yeah. Love it. And they were probably, they were probably like in middle school ish.
00:18:36
Speaker
because it's a funny show and like you know everybody knows about it and yes are there inappropriate things there are but what we found as we watched this number one we watched it with them
00:18:49
Speaker
Okay, so we would sit on the couch and watch Friends. That when things came up that they didn't understand because it was a comedy and because the atmosphere in the room was like, haha, this is a fun show and we're all here together watching it. It wasn't weird when they were like, what did Joey mean by that? You know what I mean? Like it was just kind of a
00:19:13
Speaker
natural question in a light-hearted situation and we could answer it. Now at the same time I realized that and I did this with the girls especially Justin not so much but we always try to have a show that we're watching together okay just because it sparks so much good conversation right and it gives you something to all to be talking about and to experience together
00:19:38
Speaker
So at the end of the night, we were usually still sitting on the couch and we would turn off the lights and we would have night talks. Something happens when you talk to your kids in the dark. They will be more open and honest with you about things that they're wondering. And so it was during the same time, I remember that during those night talks, the topic of sex came up a lot. We were watching friends and they were just at that age anyway.
00:20:08
Speaker
In fifth grade, you have the sex talk in school. It's very biological. But then they start wondering and asking questions like, I remember them saying, do you enjoy it? Like, is it fun? It's just all kinds of things. Like we talked about, it was such a cool time with my girls talking about things in the dark.
00:20:28
Speaker
So just you and the girls? Yes. Okay. Okay. Yes. They're not as, no. In fact, to this day, when they're watching something on TV that they know has a lot of sex in it,
00:20:41
Speaker
they will watch it downstairs because they're like, mom, it is so awkward when dad comes in the room and there's a sex scene on the TV. I'm like, I get that. I mean, sometimes it's awkward, you know, for me when I'm watching something with them. True. Very true. So for sure. Now, there are studies that say that
00:21:03
Speaker
To have your kids grow up, keeping their faith, and to be healthy adults, they need a minimum of four trustworthy adults in their life. This particularly comes into play, I think, with the sex talks.
00:21:19
Speaker
There are certain questions that my girls may not want to ask me about that they would feel comfortable asking one of their aunts about because we had fostered that relationship or that they would be comfortable talking to their youth pastors about, right? So you also want to be letting them know that it's okay to talk about these things with the other trustworthy adults in your life because sometimes it
Christian Perspective on Sex
00:21:44
Speaker
is weird.
00:21:44
Speaker
Talk to mom and dad. Keywords, trustworthy. Trustworthy adults. Let's talk for a minute about the Christian perspective on sex. God obviously made male and female and offered us the gift of sex, both for procreation and for intimacy in marriage.
00:22:11
Speaker
In the Christian world, we view sex as something to be between a husband and a wife. That is not what the secular world promotes, right? From an early age, they're going to see that it's normal for people to have sex before marriage, even in high school and even some in middle school. They're going to have friends that are having sex, okay?
00:22:40
Speaker
So how do we talk about sex so that it's not a shameful thing? Because the last thing you want is for your kids to think sex is a bad thing and then they get married and they don't enjoy it or they don't know how to see themselves as sexual means because they are.
Considering Parenthood Consequences
00:23:02
Speaker
So a friend of mine said it like this. She talks to her kids and she says, if you have sex,
00:23:09
Speaker
First of all, you better be willing to be a parent. Okay, that's just a reality. So that would be the first question she asked her kids. If you're thinking about having sex, am I ready to accept having a child? Because that is one of the intents of having sex, right? Is that a child could be produced. So right there, that is a good,
00:23:35
Speaker
That should hopefully at least make you stop and think, oh no, that doesn't fit into my plan right now, you know, in high school. So yeah, that's good. But then also to help them understand, and I hope you don't feel uncomfortable about this, but that as they go through early adolescence,
00:23:58
Speaker
and adolescence that the sexual feelings and the physical responses are normal. They're not shameful and they are natural. And that one day those will be beautiful things for you to experience in your marriage, right? There was this whole thing with the purity culture when we were growing up in Christian circles with the promise ring and you made a pledge, I will never have sex until I'm married.
00:24:28
Speaker
And if you couldn't talk about sex, it was shameful to think about sex. And so what message, now we're finding all these married Christians who don't have good sex lives, they got this message when they were in those formative years that sex was somehow a bad thing. And it's not a bad thing. It's supposed to be a beautiful thing.
00:24:58
Speaker
So how can we as parents be honest with our kids about the choices that they're going to be probably asked to make early? Earlier than we want. Earlier than we want. And it is a choice that they're going to have to make. But also set them up for sex to be what it's meant to be in their future marriage.
00:25:23
Speaker
It's a tricky thing. It's a tricky thing. And I think it comes down to honesty, right? Yeah. And it comes down to open, frank conversations and helping them see a picture of what sex is supposed to be.
Honest Conversations about Sex
00:25:41
Speaker
in a marriage. And that's something that I think a lot of us as married couples, like we're still trying to figure it out. It's because it's not it's not an easy thing. It's the most intimate act that you can that you can have with someone. It's it should be an act of complete trust and surrender to a person. And so I think we need to tell our kids this and say, look,
00:26:09
Speaker
Do you really want to allow that kind of intimacy and trust and vulnerability into your life as a teenager when we know that so much of what they're experiencing is hormone driven and all of that? So it's a tricky guideline. A couple of things that come to mind are
00:26:32
Speaker
peer pressure and then also the not talking about it. I think about, you know, even what you were talking about with technology or what happens when you don't give your kids sugar. The more you aren't exposed to it, the more you want to be exposed to it kind of in a way, like,
00:26:59
Speaker
If I'm not talked to about it, how do I even know? Like, why wouldn't you say yes? I know that that might not make sense. I'm just trying to think about, I definitely was not given the talk.
00:27:14
Speaker
I know, we were given so little. We were just told don't do it until you're married. And so it's like, blah. So that's where I'm just trying. And yet everybody's doing it. Right. In your high school, you know. And that's what I, you know, I'm listening to you and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, if it was presented in a way where like the whole
Valuing First Sexual Experience
00:27:34
Speaker
specialness and the reason and the beauty. Yes. That's so different. It's like if you have sex before you're married, you are going to miss out on this treasured gift that you can't get back. Once you give away that experience, you never get your first time back. Right.
00:28:02
Speaker
It, it could be so special and so beautiful and so intimate. So let yourself like, love yourself enough to make, keep that special so that your wedding night is amazing. Everything that you, you want it to be, which I will say.
00:28:21
Speaker
We have to coach them in how to talk to their future husband about sex. Right. Because it doesn't like it's it's a weird thing. Like you have to talk about it to know how you feel about it and how they feel about it. And that's a whole nother talk about we could get into. Yeah. Guys too. Yeah. Setting them up.
00:28:40
Speaker
Yeah.
Conclusion and Preview of Next Topic
00:28:41
Speaker
Yeah. So those are just some basic guidelines and principles that Laura provided, which I think are great. I think it's a great stepping stone to start thinking about. And I love the night talks. Yes. A tool in my toolbox. There's another tool in your toolbox. All right. Our next conversation, or I guess I should say next topic that we are going to cover with faith-filled parenting.
00:29:05
Speaker
how to talk to your kids about healthy friendships. So that will be in our next episode.
00:29:12
Speaker
When we talked about how we treat others, some good things to say would be, friends are kind and loving to each other. What does it mean to be kind? Jesus loves us. What does it mean to love others? People who are different from you are great people to be friends with. Yes. Your friends don't all have to come from the same background, from the same culture. That's one thing I love about my youngest daughter. She has friends from so many different cultures.
00:29:35
Speaker
And I just think it's a beautiful way for them to experience the uniqueness of the people that God has put in the world.