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53: A Widower’s Advice On Living Life To The Fullest with Brandon Janous (Part 2)
308 Plays3 years ago
Continuing the conversation from last week, in Part 2 we learn more about Rachel Janous and important life lessons. This week’s episode originally aired February 24, 2021 on Jill Devine’s other podcast, Two Kids and A Career. Through a mutual friend, Jill was introduced to Brandon Janous. Brandon lost his wife, Rachel, to breast cancer on March 1st, 2020.
To gain a little insight on who Rachel was, here are some highlights from her obituary:
Rachel was an incredible nurse because she loved people so well.
Rachel was an incredible mom because she loved her children so well.
Rachel was an incredible friend because she loved her friends so well.
Rachel was an incredible daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, sister-in-law, aunt, wife, and daughter-in-law because she just knew how to love everyone so well.
Rachel was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was only 36 years old at the time. But she fought it hard, beat it and was in complete remission for about 7 months. In July of 2019, the cancer came back, and it came back with a vengeance. Down deep, Rachel had always felt that it would eventually come back, and she was prepared to battle it again. The problem was that this time, the cancer took over her entire body and before long, the doctors had exhausted all treatment options.
Rachel could have easily given up and been angry for the hand she’d been dealt. But instead, she decided she’d do her best to change the world. And that’s exactly what she did.
She taught us that cancer is hard, but that everyone has their “hard.” And that you never know what someone is going through. You never know their struggle. You never know their pain. You never know where they have been or where they’re going. So to always be kind and to always love hard.
She taught us that God is so dang good. And that while dying of cancer at 38 years old isn’t fun, dancing in heaven was going to be a blast!
She taught us not to take moments for granted and that it’s the little moments that matter most.
She taught us all how to hug better.
She taught us that there is so much beauty in the brokenness. And that even in her final days, when she knew death was imminent, she was helping everyone around her heal. She was encouraging and equipping everyone for the next chapter. She was leading people, so many people, many that she’d never met, to know Jesus.
If you didn’t have the chance to meet Rachel, you missed out. Just five minutes with her would have had a major impact on your life.
Rachel's story is one every person should hear. Your perspective on life will change after hearing it. #LoveLikeRachel
Instagram and Facebook: @brandonjanous
Two Kids and A Career: https://www.jilldevine.com/podcast
Normal Goes A Long Way Website: https://www.normalgoesalongway.com/
Normal Goes A Long Way Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/normalgoesalongway/
Normal Goes A Long Way Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Normal-Goes-A-Long-Way-110089491250735
Normal Goes A Long Way is brought to you by Messiah St. Charles: https://messiahstcharles.org/
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Transcript
Introduction to Jill Devine Media
00:00:00
Speaker
The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production.
Misconceptions About Christianity
00:00:04
Speaker
Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members-only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that
Jill Devine's Faith Journey
00:00:17
Speaker
way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith.
Purpose of the Podcast
00:00:28
Speaker
The normal goes a long way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation. Thanks for hitting play on this week's conversation of normal goes a long way.
Conversation with Brandon Janice Part 2
00:00:45
Speaker
I'm your host still divine. And this is part two of the conversation between Brandon Janice and me. So.
00:00:53
Speaker
If you haven't heard part one, I encourage you to go back to that episode, listen to that episode, and then come back to part two. As a reminder, this is a conversation that I had with Brandon on my other podcast, Two Kids in a Career. The original air date was February 24th, 2021.
00:01:15
Speaker
So we're going to pick up from where we left off from last week, even though it's from 2021. Am I confusing you? I know, I know, but we are going to get to present day in next week's conversation, but let's finish this conversation first.
Brandon's Family Dance Party Memory
00:01:32
Speaker
One of the things that I know that you shared on Instagram recently was a dance party that she had and had it with the kids before. It was not too far off before she passed, correct? Yeah. Gosh, that was three nights before we went to the hospital.
00:01:52
Speaker
And then never came out. So I know she was in so much pain because I remember telling me that night. So the cancer was all on her back. And so she just had so much back pain and just debilitating. And I don't know where she got the strength to have that final dance with Cooper, my middle girl who was her dance partner. But she did. And it was such a special, beautiful moment that I think will cherish forever.
00:02:23
Speaker
And I think maybe that's where when you were saying for someone like me and others who get really sad and I'm crying and I think it's because we do think about those things like our family loves to have dance parties or I can't imagine saying goodbye.
00:02:44
Speaker
I don't really know how I'm trying to word this, but it's very easy probably for people like me to be super sad and super emotional because we're not in the midst of it. What you were saying was there have been things that you had to deal with and you had to face head on. Not that it makes it easier, like you said, but it does make it
Discussing Death and Wishes
00:03:08
Speaker
easier. Does that make sense?
00:03:10
Speaker
Yeah, no, it makes a lot of sense. And again, it's hard to explain because you're not in it. But when you're in it and you're able to prepare
00:03:21
Speaker
for what's to come. It's crazy. And again, I tell every couple should have some of these conversations. Every loved one should have these conversations. I didn't know Rachel didn't want to be buried. I didn't know she wanted to be cremated. I didn't know that. And I'm glad she was able to tell me that. So that's not something I had to decide or
00:03:43
Speaker
or talk about and make that decision. There was just certain, whether there were medical things, whether there were financial things, there were certain things that we were able to talk about, even to the point of future relationships. Like Rachel was so adamant on me finding someone again and giving me that permission. Not that I needed it, but it sure does make it easier as I go on in life knowing that Rachel said, you have got to find love again.
Rachel's Selflessness and Encouragement
00:04:13
Speaker
and I'll be their number one fan. And as long as they're good to the kids and they're good to you, then this is great. And so just things like that, where I know some people would be like, you better not. She was just selfless, so selfless to the very end. And again, you don't wanna know when you're gonna die. Nobody wants to know when they're gonna die. But when you know you're gonna die, Jill,
00:04:42
Speaker
you are able to prepare and you're able to have those tough conversations. And there's just something so special about that and just being able to prepare everyone for life after Rachel.
Community Support After Loss
00:05:00
Speaker
And so many people have stepped up, so many of our girlfriends have just taken the role of mom to my girls and
00:05:06
Speaker
and helped me with doctors and dentist appointments, because I didn't do that. And just things that I didn't think about, because I didn't do, Rachel had set in place. So it would be easier on me.
00:05:19
Speaker
death has always been something that I have never really been able to talk about. And I remember having that conversation with a friend of mine and she said, you know, what really, I don't think anybody loves to talk about death, but what she had said was,
00:05:37
Speaker
her faith had made her be able to be okay with it. And I said, well, I don't understand what you mean. She's like, oh my gosh, I get to go to Jesus and heaven in this beautiful place. And
00:05:51
Speaker
I have definitely come a long way in regard to my faith. And I remember I was pregnant with our youngest. She's two and my husband and I, we were having a date night and I brought it up. I was like, this is so
00:06:09
Speaker
not a date night conversation, but we probably should have a conversation about our deaths. Like, do you want to be cremated? And we, we had a little bit of the conversation. We have not finished it, but we started it. And, um, you know, listening to you, it's definitely a conversation that needs to be
Faith and Comfort in Death
00:06:29
Speaker
finished. But I hear a lot of people talk about how the death
00:06:35
Speaker
situation for them is so much better because of Jesus and knowing where to go. Don't get me wrong, Brandon, I think it sounds glorious to be in this beautiful place and as I'm learning more about Jesus and I'm learning more about the Bible and everything, but I have a hard time saying that I want to go, if that makes sense. I can't
00:07:06
Speaker
I have a hard time just processing that as far as being like, well, the minute I say that I'm ready to go, that means that I don't want to be with my loved ones. If it makes you feel any better, I'm not ready to go. We joke around these parts that
00:07:26
Speaker
I'm kind of the most valuable family member in all the family because my, you know, my kids need one parent, right? So, um, I'm going to stick around a while, you know, God willing, but you know, that's, that's such a, I don't know how well I can speak to that because other than, than watching her, I wasn't, I wasn't her and the, the, um, the realness of the conversation and the fact that when she knew she was going to die, she was able to say,
00:07:55
Speaker
I know I'm gonna die. I have very little left to give. So all I'm gonna give is Jesus. That's what I'm gonna do. When anyone comes in this room, I'm just gonna give hope and I'm gonna give Jesus. And that's what she did. And again, I just watched it over and over and over again, but I was not the one dying. I was losing the love of my life and it was so hard to watch.
00:08:24
Speaker
a lot of times, but at the same time, as I said, it was just such a beautiful process. She didn't fear it. She accepted it. She's a much better person than I am. I remember her saying something about not fearing death because
00:08:49
Speaker
As long as she was alive, she was alive. And then once she was dead, there was nothing more to worry about. And so she just lived, while she was alive, she lived as well as she could and just knew where she was going. And it was just, I remember my pastor coming in one day who visited often. And in the hospital, there was three or four times we thought we were gonna lose her. And so there were three or four times I said bye.
00:09:21
Speaker
And that was not the most fun thing in the world to continue to do that over and over again. But I remember him, we just knew, we just weren't getting better. And the doctor just kept telling us, you know, like, yes, we believe in miracles, but there's just nothing medically we can do.
Finding Relief in Rachel's Peace
00:09:38
Speaker
And she just kept hanging on and hanging on. I remember my pastor coming one day and saying, it's okay to be relieved.
00:09:44
Speaker
when she goes and that was a big thing for me to hear because it was a lot for me being able to to not being able to be dad and not being able to be home and my kids you know not having mom or dad and we were so grateful because we had her parents here and and that was a great you know season for the kids that grandma and papa living with us but there was a there was a little bit of a relief
00:10:11
Speaker
because I didn't have to watch her hurt. I didn't have to watch her on drugs. I didn't have to watch her with the uncertainty and the pain and all the things. And I do remember that day
00:10:27
Speaker
thinking, okay, it's over. It's over now. And being sad, and this was all with tears, but there was some sort of relief, and this may sound terrible to those listening, but just knowing it was over, and she was healed, and I could go be dad. And that's what mattered at that time.
00:10:48
Speaker
I don't think it sounds terrible at all. I think that it makes complete sense. And when you're talking about these things, you know, sometimes you go, I think what a friend of mine called them, you know, the faith crisis when something, you know, bad happens, whether it's sudden or even this, like you start to question your faith or what have you. And sometimes I think about, you know, that we are,
00:11:19
Speaker
on this earth for a purpose. And sometimes I think, okay, once our purpose is done, then Jesus is like, come on home. And there are some situations where I'm like, I don't know if that's, I don't know, it like kind of gets convoluted at times. But
00:11:43
Speaker
I think I'm speaking for you, but the thing with Rachel, of course, her kids would love to have their mother. Of course, her husband would love to have his wife. But from my understanding and just the brief time we've had together, she has made such a difference on so many people. She was a disciple, for sure. That's so true. Gosh.
00:12:11
Speaker
There was atheist that were on the floor that were nurses that that came to know Jesus. There were people that had wandered away from Jesus that came closer to Jesus. There was doctors that that, you know, had the idea that that, you know, only medicine can heal that believe them. No, that's not true. You know, and and, you know, Rachel's biggest fear.
00:12:31
Speaker
was that people would turn from him because she wasn't healed. That was her biggest fear as she continued to get worse, that people are gonna turn away from Jesus because I'm not getting better. And so she gave every ounce she had to make sure that didn't happen for people and that her purpose was fulfilled.
00:12:57
Speaker
And that she, you know, you nailed it. She was a disciple till the very end and brought a lot of people to the kingdom and left this place so much better. She left this earth. You know, people try their whole lives to have an impact.
00:13:16
Speaker
And Rachel did it in such a short life for so many people. She just loved so well.
00:13:28
Speaker
She loved as close to the love that Jesus has for others as I've seen in the human being. A selfless, unconditional, beautiful love. And I was just the lucky one that got to get the most of that.
00:13:47
Speaker
Man, she just is incredible and I know I can't meet her right now, but I can meet her in my prayers and I'm definitely going to introduce myself because she can teach so many of us.
00:14:05
Speaker
so many things Jill, like it's just hard sometimes to live in the moment at times. And, you know, I hate to have a story like Rachel's just kind of snapped me out of it sometimes. But oh, that's clearly what needs to happen. We don't take we don't take a moment for granted anymore. Because we just don't know and
00:14:33
Speaker
Life is so dang short. Three and a half years ago, Rachel was perfectly healthy and there were no issues and we were living our life and we were doing the best we could and that changed. And then we had one focus for two years was to keep Rachel alive. And what we learned during that time is that most things don't matter that much. And for two years,
00:15:00
Speaker
There wasn't an argument, there wasn't a disagreement, because it just didn't matter. All that mattered was taking care of each other and making sure that we kept her alive. And I hope that I continue to live my life
00:15:19
Speaker
realizing that most stuff is kind of stupid and the things that we argue about and the things that we get frustrated about and the things that stress us out usually work themselves out and just don't matter.
00:15:37
Speaker
And so, so, and I think she taught a lot of people that, that we don't know what tomorrow holds. And is this grudge worth having? You know, we don't know what tomorrow holds. Is it worth, um, you know, being upset with so-and-so? We don't, we just don't know. And, um, I just want to continue to love well, like she did. And, and, and so many others have
Appreciating Life's Moments
00:16:04
Speaker
been inspired by her to do the same thing.
00:16:07
Speaker
And I think, again, the ripple effect that she had, I think she left the world in a better place and as messy as it feels sometimes, and maybe I'm in a bubble, but those that she was able to impact, I think do love better and do hug longer.
00:16:27
Speaker
you know, pandemic or not. And it's just it's just a beautiful representation of some of the things that she left behind. You know, you started kind of the podcast with the super dad thing and just making experiences for my kids and, you know, saying yes before no. Just just living and doing and realizing that the mess doesn't matter and the laundry can wait in the
00:16:55
Speaker
Um, they can miss the day of school and you know, you know, I'm not saying not discipline. I'm not saying have to be the fun dad all the time. Cause let me tell you, it's hard being good cop and bad cop. Rachel was a great bad cop and now I've got to be both. And it's, it's not fun a lot of times, but I want my kids to be kids. I don't want them to feel like they had to grow up fast because mommy wasn't here anymore. I don't want them to look back on that time and think, man,
00:17:22
Speaker
That was hard. I want them to be able to enjoy the short time they have as kids, just be able to shower them with fun and love and also discipline, because I want them to be great kids and mind their manners and be kind to other people and love people well. And so, again, all of these things are a reflection of Rachel and
Coping as a Single Parent
00:17:49
Speaker
the things that were important to her.
00:17:50
Speaker
We don't have much time left. So there are a couple of questions that I do want to ask before I let you go. But first question is, how is Brandon?
00:18:05
Speaker
Yeah, that's a really good question. I am good. So we're coming up on the year anniversary. And so this season last year, this month that we were in the hospital was hard and long. And the memories that pop up every day on social media are from this season. And I was telling a widow or a friend of mine, I said, man, I wish I could fast forward through this month.
00:18:33
Speaker
and just get to the other side of the first year. But just because March 2nd comes around doesn't mean things are going to be better and easier. And there's not going to be more struggle and heartache. And so I think the first year, from what I'm hearing from those that have gone through this, is the hardest. And we're almost through that. But I'm happy.
00:19:03
Speaker
and I have most days are filled with a lot more laughter than anything else and I have joy and you know I have my time to grieve and I you know I welcome that time but again through the
00:19:28
Speaker
the preparation of the conversations we were able to have. I miss her like crazy and I'd give anything to have her back.
00:19:40
Speaker
I know where we are where we are and I'm just trying to figure out, like I said, being mom and dad and good cop and bad cop and maid and gosh, house cleaner and laundry person and you know, soccer mom and all the things, I'm just doing my best to
00:20:00
Speaker
to balance it all. And I'm failing a lot. And I know my kids would love to have their mommy cook them a good meal. And I know they would love to have a dance party with mommy. I know all these things, but I'm just doing the best I can to give them all those things, not trying to replace mommy because no one can ever replace mommy. But
00:20:27
Speaker
That's a very long answer too. I'm doing well and I'm in a good place and I'm happy. I miss her, but I'm really happy. A lot of those things that you said, that's the same for all of us. We're just trying to make it, I joke around lately like minute by minute, that's what we do, minute by minute. It makes me happy to hear that you're happy.
00:20:57
Speaker
I actually have two more questions I lied to you. What's her favorite concert tea? That's a great question. So Bon Jovi was the first concert we went to together and I think the one person she would have left me for.
00:21:15
Speaker
Yeah, that's a popular, popular question or a popular guy amongst some women. So now my final question, what does the listener need to do? What do they
00:21:31
Speaker
need to do to help you, to help theirself.
Living Like Rachel's Legacy
00:21:35
Speaker
I will share the one thing that I didn't realize I was going to start doing until now, but one thing that you kept saying throughout this podcast, and it's a hashtag that you like to use, love like Rachel. I am going to
00:21:49
Speaker
put that all over my planner, my house, wherever I can to remind myself in those times where maybe that argument starts to happen or something starts to bother me. I want to look to love like Rachel because that's a great reminder.
00:22:08
Speaker
Well, you stole mine, but I'll come up with another one. Sorry. No, I think be present. One of the things that Rachel taught me, and it took a lot, because I could work 24-7. And as a man, I felt like that was my job to provide and to work and to just hustle. And that wasn't...
00:22:35
Speaker
That meant nothing to Rachel. What meant something to Rachel, went everything to Rachel was for me to be present. And I remember earlier on in our marriage, the kids were I think four, three, and two or four, three, and one. I was traveling a bunch and Rachel decided she was going to go with me and the kids were going to come with me. And we ended up getting a motor home for a year and they traveled around the country with me because that was
00:23:01
Speaker
important enough to her to pick up the life of she and the kids to be with me everywhere we went. And what that taught me is that the webinar can wait, the client can wait, the call can wait,
00:23:18
Speaker
What matters most, most of the time is those kids and your spouse and being truly present with them. And I've tried to continue to do that. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking my phone matters more or my work matters more than them. And it's amazing what happens when you give your kids just 10 minutes of undivided attention and have conversations with them
00:23:46
Speaker
or wrestle with them or play Legos with them, how important that is to them. And so be present in your conversations with your friends, with your family, with your co-workers.
00:24:01
Speaker
Again, something Rachel was so good at was just being in the moment, living in that moment and being present. And so between loving like Rachel and being present and not taking a thing second for granted, because we just don't know. So to love people well, love people hard, hug them longer.
00:24:19
Speaker
Rachel was known for long hugs, uncomfortably long hugs. She just wouldn't let you go. And I know with the pandemic, the hugs are few and far between, but when we can get back to hug and just hug and hug hard. And I think that's the best advice I can leave you with. Such an amazing story and it continues. So since this conversation in 2021, as I mentioned, a lot of
00:24:48
Speaker
amazing things have happened to Brandon and his family and one of those includes a book deal. So in our next conversation with Brandon, we're gonna get up to speed present day what's been going on and learn a lot more about him and the book and how the kids are doing. Here's a little preview of that.
00:25:09
Speaker
That's when my perspective began to change. It took me living in 40 feet and nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no office to go into, no door to close. I'm doing our entire lives together for a whole year, again, with three kids under five. That's when I began to realize how off I was, how my priorities were totally out of whack, how everything
00:25:27
Speaker
seemed more important than the most important thing, which was Rachel and the kids. I'm very open about how bad I was. One of my buddies read the book and he's like, bro, you really beat yourself up. I feel like someone needs to come in here and talk about you're not that bad, but I was that bad.