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Friendship breakups are our Roman Empire
93 Plays1 year ago
Join us this week as we discuss the ups & downs of friendship including our friendship red flags, the importance of supporting our friend’s wins, and taking accountability when we’ve wronged someone. Plus: sneaking back into your house as an adult, avoiding a kiss on the first date, and learning to love the sound of our own voices. Buckle in because we might ruffle some feathers with this one…
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Transcript
Weekly Catch-Up and Life's Chaos
00:00:07
Speaker
Hi guys, welcome back to the audacity. I'm here with Haley and Rachel and we're so glad that you guys are back. Yeah, this is honestly such an honor that you guys continue to show up and listen. All three of you. Hi mom. Seriously. Well, ladies, how was your week?
00:00:29
Speaker
It was good. Mine was, my week was busy. Barrett had football, Liv had soccer, it was Barrett's birthday. You guys, I have a 10 year old.
00:00:40
Speaker
Oh, it's happy birthday to Baron. Oh, so crazy to me how time goes, like just how fast it goes. Yeah. But it was good. It was good. I got way too drunk on Saturday and I'm so recovering. I thought I lost my jacket, but I found it in the garage. I'm at Boots because I didn't want to wake everyone up when I got home at 2 o'clock in the morning. Like welcome to adulthood. You have a 10 year old and losing clothes. I even text messages to like two of my girlfriends and I was like,
00:01:08
Speaker
Did you get home safe? And I was like, yeah, I was like, I lost my jacket. What you had? And I was like, five hours later, it was so humbled. I was like, oh, JK, it's in my garage. Isn't it funny sneaking back into the house hiding from your kids as an adult? It's like full circle.
00:01:26
Speaker
Seriously, I'm like, all right, okay, don't turn on the microwave. Don't make too much noise. Get in a little snack. Water. I was just like straight for water and went to bed. I had to be up at like seven o'clock for a live soccer tournament and I had to sleep over. So it was just...
00:01:47
Speaker
We're doing well. I love it. That's on balance. Yes, Rachel.
Rachel's Revelations and Boundaries
00:01:53
Speaker
What's going on? Not much. Just working, living. I had a little personal epiphany this week, you guys. I told you last week how I went out with that guy who's a little bit older. I don't think I told you guys that he did kiss me in the middle of the date.
00:02:17
Speaker
which this is a tangent for another day, but there's like an epidemic of men in San Francisco that want to kiss on the first date. I'm like, hmm, that's, that's not really for me. I'm not talking about like at the end of the day, I'm talking about in the middle of the date.
00:02:33
Speaker
at dinner. I just met you 60 minutes ago. I have no interest, right? Anyways, so I go out with that guy. He kisses me in the middle of the date. I haven't figured out yet how to
00:02:51
Speaker
Kindly say no when a guy is like, can I kiss you? And I'm not really that into it. So instead I'm like, sure. And then I let my body language kind of show that I'm not into it. So this man kisses me and I'm like, like a little like Peck, right?
00:03:09
Speaker
And then a few days later, he's texting me like, Oh, I've just really been thinking about that kiss, blah, blah, blah, which already it was not a passionate kiss. Okay. It was not. And I've kind of had this realization that I am repulsed by men who are physically attracted to me. Like,
00:03:34
Speaker
I'm like, oh, yeah. I was like, I could potentially go on another date with him. But as soon as he said that, I was like, that's going to be it. That's a no. That's a no. That's called problematic. Yeah. A lot of guys. Well, yeah. So I'm just like, that's a problem for my dating life that every guy who shows interest in me physically. I'm like, no. Right. So I've been reading that book that was actually on our topic last week called The Inner Work.
00:04:01
Speaker
And in that book, let me preface this by saying I'm not like a very woo woo person. So my baseline knowledge of how all of this works is very like,
00:04:11
Speaker
Not high. So in the book, it's talking about being like a 3D verse 4D verse 5D person. So it's how you view yourself. Do you view yourself only as a body? Do you view yourself as a mind and a body? Or do you view yourself in 5D as a spirit that's connected to all things? I'm definitely not there yet.
00:04:34
Speaker
But I think that I'm having a hard time now connecting with people physically where I don't have a mental connection. As it should be. I think that is like talk about like evolving and growth, right? And when people talk about like, Oh, the energy and I know that to your point, like, Oh, some people like that's so woo woo, but no, it's not like, I don't know if you guys have ever had.
00:04:56
Speaker
Not quite visceral, but when you're in someone's presence and it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel good. That matters. It does. That is telling you something and I think that we have to pay attention to those cues. I think my biggest takeaway is A, I'm evolving. Thank you.
00:05:21
Speaker
But also the other thing I realized is I've never had a really amazing sexual connection or relationship with someone who we kissed the first time we met. It was instantly physical. Obviously, I've done that stuff before. I'm 36. Hi. She's done that stuff before. I've been there.
00:05:45
Speaker
But in retrospect, as I take a look at my life, I take inventory of my life. As I do that, I'm realizing that the things that were really great and gave me satisfaction didn't start like that.
00:06:02
Speaker
So I think I need to listen to my mind, my body, my soul and learn to say, no, I don't want to kiss you. But how would you do that? I don't know. We got to practice how there's got it. Yeah. So this is I'm sorry, mom brain. I actually practice this or I try to be very intentional with my kids
Teaching Consent and Handling Affection
00:06:23
Speaker
about this. Like I don't think that you should feel
00:06:28
Speaker
bad or I think it's great that you're working through and that you're trying to like give yourself the tools on how to handle the situation. Because I think for women, it's so important and men, I mean, just for anyone, like, you don't have to grant access to your body to anyone.
00:06:45
Speaker
And if you don't feel comfortable with someone touching you or someone even being in your space, that's okay. And I practice this with my kids. Even if it's relatives, if you don't want to kiss them, if you don't want to hug them, you don't have to.
00:07:02
Speaker
I'll be damned if I'm going to condition my daughter or my son to think that they need to subject themselves to someone else's physical advances because that is conditioning. And if you're always taught that you just have to do it, it's not going to end up well for them and they're going to end up in situations later down the road where maybe it is a hug or a kiss with a relative or whatever.
00:07:31
Speaker
they're gonna be conditioned when they're at that age to have more intimate relationships with people and think that they just have to do it because someone else is pursuing them. And that's not it. Yeah, that's where I am. Well, because I think it wasn't something that, you know,
00:07:49
Speaker
I mean, I can't, I remember, I'm like, oh, give your aunt a hug or give you or, you know, or tell you, you'd be being prompted. And, you know, at no fault of our parents to think that, like, that was going to be the result or how it might affect us later on. But I definitely think about that. And I think it's great that you're realizing it now.
00:08:07
Speaker
Yeah, I definitely think I need to practice. I need to come up with a canned response for when someone leans in or asks or whatever it is that I just have something that I can pull quickly. That doesn't make me feel any kind of way that is the honest truth, but is like, no. Unless I want to do it and you never know.
00:08:32
Speaker
Did he ask you if he could kiss you? Yeah, most guys ask. Which is good. Can I kiss you? But it's like they're already like leaning in. It's not, you know, we're sitting across from each other. Can I kiss you? And then it's like a walk over. It's a moment where it's already kind of like, you can feel it coming. And then they ask, but it's like your face is already so close to mine. What if I, you know, sitting on the same side at dinner, we're sitting at the bar.
00:08:58
Speaker
Oh, okay. Yeah. I think in that moment, I would have just been like, I don't know if you were at sushi or what you're at. Like, I don't, you don't want this, you don't want this sushi kiss right now. You know, just like that. And I also think. That's way more lighthearted. Yeah. Um, I also think that I understand not wanting to like ruin that possible vibe or like what can come of it and make it super awkward. But I'm also kind of here for just like putting your foot down and being like,
00:09:27
Speaker
Not yet. Yeah, actually not yet is a very good answer. It's okay. I'm going to write that down. Not yet. TBD. What about you, Hailey? How was your week?
Personal Achievements and Friendship Dynamics
00:09:45
Speaker
My week was jam-packed. I worked all week and then I did this crazy, you'll agree Pilates training all weekend, which was so intense.
00:09:56
Speaker
But I'm really glad I did it. Now I'm certified. Yay. After all of you. But I have not taken notes like that since college and I'm not even sure I can read what I wrote. Like trying to write that fast and like the chicken scratch and I think from texting and auto
00:10:15
Speaker
correct like texting, I realized I was like skipping over. Like I had to go back and like add O's. I was like, I don't even know how to write anymore. I was like, this is really bad. Um, but yeah, we like basically did eight hours of Pilates every single day and I'm a shell of a human right now. I'm so tired, but worth it. Yeah. I'm excited to come to LA and take one of your classes eventually. Yeah. I actually didn't know the difference. Um,
00:10:46
Speaker
with the reformer and Lagree. So basically, Lagree is bodybuilders and Pilates wanted a middle ground of strength training that wasn't bodybuilding and wasn't just the lengthening. So it's kind of the combination of it.
00:11:03
Speaker
Oh, Heather, I was telling Rachel earlier, I was like, everyone was super nervous with the headset. I was like, this podcast created a monster because the second I put that mic on, I was like, let's go. I was like, cameras are rolling. The leech I just heard my voice on there. All right, ladies. Do we want to talk about red flags?
00:11:30
Speaker
Yeah, we can talk about red flags. What are your friendship red flags? Um, okay. I think my first one is kind of two faced people. I know we have had private discussions on this, but people who sort of shit talk other people and then go hang out with them and like are completely fake about it. Yep. That's a huge red flag.
00:11:59
Speaker
And then my other big one is like the type of people who only call you when they need something. Okay. That was one of mine. A friendship red flag that I've been thinking a lot about is friends who ask for too many favors and are never the ones who are willing to jump in when you might be struggling a tiny bit to be like, Oh, Hey, how can I help?
00:12:26
Speaker
I feel like that's a lot of people I know. Not a lot. A very specific few, but their energy on that is very heavy. Yeah. Just takers in general. Friends who want to take, but they really just don't have much to give. Like that's a red flag. Those are people that I don't mind letting drop from my life.
00:12:46
Speaker
Yeah. I absolutely agree with the one about people who talk crap about their closest friends. I actually just had a conversation. And this was brought to my attention. It was kind of like, well, you just don't ever say anything about said person. And it's like, because
00:13:13
Speaker
That's my own personal relationship with said person. I look at you so sideways if you're always coming to me talking about your closest friend or your husband's friend's wife who you spend all this time with and then the next thing I know, she's all over your stories. I don't move funky like that.
00:13:36
Speaker
I don't go back to Tiffany or to Kate or to any of my close friends and be like, guess what? Rachel did at work today. I don't move that way. Thank God. No, but it's just like, I don't know. That's not it. I have some other ones though. I actually wrote them down because I really thought about this.
00:13:58
Speaker
So the conditional friends that disappear and then a relationship only to come back when it's over. And I think that kind of follows and goes along with the same type of energy when they're just an energy suck. They're getting fed elsewhere and then when that's over, they go back to their other sources. And then I also think kind of getting back to what we talked about earlier,
00:14:22
Speaker
paying attention to your nervous system and how your body reacts around certain people. I think that that is, it's a huge red flag, like if you just don't feel good around certain people. And then how people react when you share good news, if someone just can't share in your joy, like I think that that's a huge red flag, you know, like you should want your inner circle, you should want your people to
00:14:49
Speaker
to be evolving, to be winning, to trying new things, to growth. And if someone can't be excited for you because their life isn't maybe moving in the same direction or isn't moving or they're not experiencing a win that day, that's not it.
00:15:08
Speaker
Yeah, I actually had something written down that actually is very similar to that and it's people or friends who don't support your new endeavors or experimenting with new things in life.
00:15:27
Speaker
I think as friends, if we see someone moving in a new direction, I don't know if it's like secondhand embarrassment or if we're like, oh, who do they think they are?
00:15:39
Speaker
I actually sent in our group chat, I know that video from this girl named Quinn Valentine on TikTok and she was talking about something very similar where she had just started posting outfit of the day videos on TikTok. She wasn't that popular, she had about 500 followers and one of her close friends wrote her
00:16:01
Speaker
via text message and asked hey so just out of curiosity you know why are you doing this like what do you get out of it and poor Quinn kind of took that as negativity right instead of being supporting like I'm so proud of you you know why you doing this but luckily her video kind of blew up and she has now like hundreds of thousands of likes on the video and it was crazy to me to see how much more support you can get from strangers than people who are
00:16:30
Speaker
closest to you in your inner circle. I have something to say about that. I think a lot of that comes from jealousy. I think when you see somebody you know doing it, it's almost like you start to reflect on yourself and what you're doing because it's more of a personal thing because you know that person and you see them branching off and you essentially look at yourself like, what am I doing type of thing?
00:16:58
Speaker
That's kind of how I view that. If you're going out of your way to say something and put somebody down,
00:17:04
Speaker
To me, that's a self-reflection. Right. It's a projection. Absolutely. And I think it just like shows like sometimes people's lack of self-belief or willingness to put themselves out there and your willingness to, um, it kind of like shines a light on that shadow work that they need to do. And I think that, um, I actually saw this like really good thing. It says people want you to lose because it helps them justify the risk they choose not to take.
00:17:36
Speaker
Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that's it. That's a lot of it. You know, it's maybe they love you. Maybe they want to support you. Maybe it is a little bit of secondhand embarrassment, right? Like there could be that, but I think a majority of it is sometimes people just, um, they are scared to take risk for themselves and, and, um, it's projection.
00:18:01
Speaker
Yeah, I agree. I did, upon thinking about all this, realize that I do also have friends who are working on their own endeavors that I could be supporting better, you know? Totally. And I plan on doing that. 100%. I think that, like, and going along that same line, like, I think that
00:18:23
Speaker
The world is kind of dark right now.
Supporting Friends and Navigating Inclusivity
00:18:25
Speaker
I feel like it's kind of like a terrible time and it gets overwhelming. And so I think if you can do little things to make someone else's day better, like if it is, you know, or support someone else's endeavor or repost or talk about it or mention someone's name in a crowded room or a room where there might be an opportunity for them, like
00:18:46
Speaker
you end up, at the end of the day, adding to your own joy and contentment because it feels good to do good things for other people. I actually saw, I posted it a while back, but it was a quote from A$AP Rocky and he was doing this whole reel, but he said, since when has it become cool to not try? Oh, 100%. I was like, yes. Yeah, I think the antidote to despair is action and when you can do little things, it helps.
00:19:16
Speaker
I love that. I love all that. Well, now should we get into the advice questions for the day? Yes. Let's do it. This is like an interesting one. Am I in the wrong for not inviting my friend to my party because she would ruin the aesthetic?
00:19:31
Speaker
Last year I started an online book club in my city with other women around my age, 29. We're a small group of women who like to read and share our thoughts, especially on historical fiction. I've been seeing a lot of these book balls on TikTok recently where people throw huge parties and everyone dresses up extravagantly in the theme of the book we're reading.
00:19:53
Speaker
I thought it looked super fun, so I decided to host one for my book club. One of the ladies in my book club is a close friend of mine, Sam, who is also 29. I've known Sam since we were in high school, and I know she is not someone who likes to dress up. I've seen her dressed inappropriately at many events over the years. She's always in sweats or athletic clothes, never does her makeup or hair, just doesn't really care about her appearance for formal events.
00:20:17
Speaker
I put so much time and effort and money into producing this ball so I wanted everyone to match my effort with the costumes they wore. I knew that Sam would not be willing to dress in theme so I didn't invite her. After I sent out the invites everyone bought beautiful extravagant gowns and accessories and I got even more excited. Eventually word somehow made it to Sam and she confronted me about the event.
00:20:40
Speaker
She asked if I was really hosting a ball for the book club and not inviting her. After hesitating I said yes but only because I knew she would never wear a ball gown or put effort into looking good. She said she was upset that I wouldn't want her there even if she wore her regular clothes and I told her that's not fair that I put all this effort into a beautiful event where everyone can be a little extra for one day and I didn't want to ruin the aesthetic.
00:21:04
Speaker
She hasn't spoken to me since then and the ball was two days ago. Success, by the way, everyone looks amazing. Am I in the wrong for not inviting her because she would ruin the event? Yeah, I'd be excited to not be invited to the book. I probably didn't even read the book.
00:21:23
Speaker
The bookballs seem like they're really extravagant. It was extravagant, yeah, clearly. So I think that it takes a lot of time and effort to put something like that together and I can see where she was coming from where if everyone is committed to the theme and one person is not, it kind of
00:21:45
Speaker
throws everything off. I think having someone who isn't in theme makes everybody else feel a little weird about being in theme or no. People who are going to show up and enjoy it are going to enjoy it whether someone else is dressed up or not. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I think that person just becomes the outlier and it's just like, well, it's cool, bro. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, and if you think about it, like a lot of theme parties will have like, you can't
00:22:13
Speaker
get in if you don't have a costume. And I think that was actually, that's a great point. I think the takeaway should have been like, okay guys, hey Sam or whatever her friend's name is, come, we're doing this party, you're more than welcome, but you can't come unless you're in costume. There just comes a point in time where it's like you got to just let people be themselves and give them the tools, let them know what it is and if they want to suck, let them suck. Yeah.
00:22:39
Speaker
the gal who was throwing this party ultimately was trying to avoid confrontation by just not inviting her friend whatsoever, but instead created an even worse situation scenario for herself. I think if everyone's part of a book club and you invite everybody minus one person, that's a shitty thing to do. It is. There's no way that
00:23:06
Speaker
Sam, the friend, will ever recover from that and feel like she is welcomed.
00:23:13
Speaker
into the group. And then also just one person out of costume. It's like, that's obviously for social media or like an Instagram moment, right? You could just ask them like, Hey, you're not a costume. Can you be the one that takes the picture of all of us? Or can you stop inside for a second versus, you know, completely excluding someone? Okay. I have a question. How do you guys think that she should try and make amends with her friends? Like, what would you do?
00:23:41
Speaker
you have to acknowledge how you are wrong. I think so many relationships can be repaired by admitting your faults, by taking ownership of a poor choice or just by being more human. I think she needs to probably
00:24:04
Speaker
and not do it over text, call Sam, have an adult conversation, explain how she felt. And I think sometimes too, when a situation plays out and people go back and they hear themselves, they walk themselves through a situation and the decisions that they made, it's really good self-reflection. You're just like, damn, I really thought that that was a good decision. I really thought that this was it.
00:24:34
Speaker
That's why accountability is so important. Yeah. Okay. I have an interesting one for you guys today about outgrowing your friends. Okay.
Friendship Challenges and Making New Connections
00:24:43
Speaker
Maybe it's partly due to social media, but I feel like I've managed to hold onto a lot of friends from high school and college. I used to love this and pride myself on it, but ever since COVID and entering my mid thirties, I've reevaluated a lot of things in my life and feel like I don't have much in common with some of these friends anymore or maybe never dead.
00:25:04
Speaker
There are select people I enjoy spending time with, but the group hangs and being around certain people feels exhausting to me now. Many are party friends who I always had fun with, but I've outgrown the partying and genuinely don't enjoy it anymore. I wish I could just go to dinner and grab a drink, but it's always an all night binge with the group and it's difficult to extract myself or keep making excuses.
00:25:30
Speaker
One friend is having a destination bachelorette soon and I don't want to go because I don't want to feel like crap for three days in a place that could otherwise be a cold trip. I could go and not drink but it's hard to have fun when the activities planned are just bars and drinking. I keep turning down hangouts and outings and I feel like I've done a good job distancing myself but I also feel like at this rate I am going to end up losing friends.
00:25:55
Speaker
The problem here is that making all new friends at 35 years old is difficult. I feel like I'm in a weird spot where so many people are coupled up with families and don't have time to spend on forming friendships. I wish I had a partner and a family where I could focus on that too, but I don't.
00:26:12
Speaker
It feels so daunting to have to find and sustain all new friendships on top of dating. Is anyone else in this situation? Have you had success making new friends or have you just gotten more comfortable with having less friends as you get older? I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and lonely, but I also want to be true to myself and only focus on fulfilling friendships. What do you guys think? There's layers there.
00:26:39
Speaker
Yeah. I just recently moved to a new city just a few months ago and where I only know a handful of other women and there are times where I'm like, I wish I just had a girlfriend that I could call right now and be like, let's go out.
00:26:55
Speaker
And so I've considered like I've been on Bumble BFF. I haven't actually successfully gone out with anyone from that. But I think if you're in a city, you could absolutely find new friends, new girlfriends through that. And then I also just think saying yes to any opportunities that come your way to
00:27:16
Speaker
go out with new groups of people. You just have to say yes and like keep building on it and like keep going out with new people because you never know who that new person is going to introduce you to that you might really end up hitting it off with. Yeah.
00:27:31
Speaker
I completely agree with that because I still consider myself pretty new to LA. After you moved, I lost my little buddy. I was like, shoot. Every time I want to go do something, I'm like, I wish you were here. We were always the people to go. We were the yes girls. Yes, yes girls. Went to everything. No, I agree with that because
00:27:58
Speaker
I've kind of had to push myself out and be like, all right, just go try new things. If someone, yeah, you meet someone cool. Even if I don't really want to go, I'll go just, and I've met people through those people. And honestly, it's, I'm finally like living in LA. I feel like the way I should have been this whole time, but yeah.
00:28:21
Speaker
I think it definitely takes effort to meet new people. It's not going to be effortless. I don't know. It just depends. Are you willing to do something that's difficult and hard and takes effort, but ultimately might pay off with new fulfilling friendships? Okay. On to the second part of that though, the partying hard part.
00:28:47
Speaker
Okay. So I have two things on this because I definitely, I have sometimes have an issue. Like if I'm like going to go drink, like I'm usually like going out, right? So it's probably going to be a night typically. Cause I try not to like, I don't want to just casually drink every single night or like multiple nights a week. Like I'd rather go out like a night. However, like I have definitely had to cut some party friends out where I'm like,
00:29:16
Speaker
this is just way too much and I don't want this life. I can't be around this. I need to be focused. This is not me.
00:29:25
Speaker
I think that there's a difference between someone just being a wet blanket and being like, not coming home for three days on like a crazy bender. Well, that was COVID. Well, I mean, that was everyone. Yeah, no. So the part where she talks about wanting to just go out for a drink and doesn't want to do like an all night binge.
00:29:52
Speaker
I think that there's merit there and that makes sense if you want to be motivated and focused the next day. I think that a lot of the time we do as we become adult, well, I mean, in high school, right? In school, you forge these friendships because you go to the same school. And then in college, it's like, okay, well, these are the people that are in my dorm or live near me or
00:30:16
Speaker
You know, it's all of these like the activities that we're doing. It's it's how we find our people So I think maybe she needs to start finding other activities that aren't the bar, you know whether it's like a women's charity group or it is taking up a new skill where she's getting certified to be an instructor of some sort or you know a book club like as we get older we have to we have to find other ways to insert ourselves in things and in in
00:30:47
Speaker
to find that connection. Community, right? Yeah. And I think it's even if you're married. When I moved to Arizona, it's not easy finding friends. And I'm not friends with the kids' parents who go to my kids' school. I'm not
00:31:02
Speaker
I'm not on the PTP and I'm not trying to do all that. I feel fortunate that I have found my friends, but it's been through that. It's been through charity work or just other outside networking. The other thing about the bachelorette party, it's like at the same time, I feel like there are just events. If it's not a financial burden to you or you're not going through some other type of hardship, go on the damn trip.
00:31:30
Speaker
Yeah. Like, oh, I want to see the city. I don't want to drink in the city for three days. I want to go explore. Then add an extra day or two to your trip if you can. I don't know. I think that there are some things that are important. And if someone wants you there and they're including you, then that means something. And it's important to show up for people. It's like what you were saying earlier, Rachel. People remember that. People remember how you make them feel.
00:32:00
Speaker
a friend of mine a few years back, her mom passed away. And I got the details to the funeral and showed up out of town, showed up in Colorado, just because I just wanted her to know that she was supported. And to this day, she's like, you don't know what that meant for me. And to me, it was just something like, I'm not an immediate part of the family. I just want to go and pay my respects.
00:32:27
Speaker
But people don't forget that. People don't forget when you show up for them. Yeah, I think that's so true. I do think that it is possible to outgrow your friends, especially high school and college friends. And there's no commitment to stay close with those friends, but I think something that
00:32:47
Speaker
We all have to practice and get more in tune with is that people are allowed to evolve. You're allowed to evolve. But if someone is your friend, you evolve together.
00:33:01
Speaker
and or you give them space to evolve how they want to and you learn to just respect them as a human and love them as a human. Maybe these friends were really just party friends and maybe you actually haven't done much in your life to build relationships, close intimate relationships with people beyond partying. Maybe that's something you need to look at personally. Yeah. It's natural to grow apart too. Of course. Change.
00:33:28
Speaker
Should we get into our final listener advice question? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Let's do it.
Emotional Impact of Friendship Breakups
00:33:38
Speaker
How do you get over a friend breakup? I've essentially been ghosted by my former best friend after an incident to which I admit I was at fault.
00:33:48
Speaker
Ever since then, it feels like my life is so different, colorless, almost meaningless. It's been months since she went with no contact and everything just feels different. I can't feel enthusiastic about my hobbies and interests anymore. And it's made things so awkward in our circle of friends. Have you had a similar experience? How did you get over it? Any tips on not thinking about the breakup and feeling extremely bitter?
00:34:17
Speaker
Okay, so hold on, I want to add to that. I think that as I'm getting older, I've realized that your friendships are in many cases almost more important than
00:34:33
Speaker
I mean, nothing's more important than who your spouse is obviously because you're building a life with that person, but friendship breakups can be devastating as well. And sometimes more devastating because maybe that person knows things that your spouse doesn't.
00:34:52
Speaker
I definitely believe in girlfriend soulmates and just having a deep connection with someone who's just a friend. I mean, there's nothing intimate about it.
00:35:07
Speaker
So I think maybe for some people who don't have deep friendships like this, it could sound a little like, what are you talking about? But if you're fortunate enough to have friendships that are just like soul connection, like this can be really, really devastating for some people. Yeah. I think that as women, we, well, not just as women, but as all people going through life, it can be,
00:35:37
Speaker
It's really hard when someone that you lean on to be there for you and you're having a bad time and going through a hard time. I know that we were using the word intimacy, but the word intimacy, it doesn't always have to mean romantic intimacy. You can have a close, intimate, non-romantic relationship with people.
00:36:03
Speaker
when they're gone, that can be devastating. It does seem that this person who read in for advice is going through a really hard time trying to figure navigate what their life looks like without this person and sort of fill that space. My one friendship breakup
00:36:27
Speaker
Shockingly, I don't really have that much drama with people. I'm pretty much friends with everyone that I get close with, but I do have one friend who I was actually the maid of honor in her wedding. Then after that, she just stopped responding to my text messages or my reach outs.
00:36:49
Speaker
it was so strange you know i was even like writing her husband being like hey is everything okay and he wasn't responding so i never like found out if it was something that i specifically did or what the situation was in that situation is more just confusing and.
00:37:09
Speaker
strange, just a strange behavior. I think about her like all the time, probably like, you know, once a week, like I wonder how she is, should I try reaching out, especially now that I live up in the Bay Area, and I'm like closer to her physically, like could potentially go see her much more easily. But yeah, it's definitely like, I saw actually I saw something that
00:37:34
Speaker
on TikTok or somewhere that was, you guys know the Roman Empire thing? Yeah. Like how men are constantly thinking about the Roman Empire and no one knew. I saw something that women's Roman Empire is the one friend that they broke up with and don't talk to anymore. Wow. It's true. We're constantly thinking about them. That's crazy. What do you think, Kaylee? Well, I have some experience with this.
00:38:05
Speaker
recently I've had that friendship breakup happen. And yeah, it's really hard. Obviously I miss that friend a lot, but we got into a little spat. There was some drama. We got into a little spat and basically what happened was I couldn't really get a word in and said the one thing like I knew would like hit below the belt and got blocked immediately.
00:38:35
Speaker
And there's obviously like I would have apologized for the comment. I definitely didn't mean it. But there's just like no way to even like own it or apologize. But to speak on like missing that friendship, yeah, of course I do. I think the only way I've been able to handle it is just like giving that person space and kind of letting them
00:39:04
Speaker
decide how they want to handle it because I clearly can't do anything. And I'm not going to force some kind of mend of a friendship that if they don't even want to have a conversation, then to me that says a lot about what the friendship actually was. I guess that's kind of where I'm at right now. And I've just sort of been focusing on myself and my other relationships that I guess I'd rather give more time to at this point.
00:39:30
Speaker
Um, but yeah, in the past, I mean, I've had friendships that have grown apart and it's just, I think friendships from like growing up are kind of tricky because obviously like a lot of my friends are in Ohio or like somewhere else. And you know, it really is a two way street. Cause like a lot of times I'll feel guilty that maybe I didn't do enough. Like I haven't like reached out enough or kept in contact enough, but then I think about it and I'm like, well, they didn't either. And like, we both have like busy lives.
00:40:00
Speaker
like I don't really think it would be weird if we saw each other but I don't know it's just like those friendships from like 10 years ago that just have really kind of like fizzled I don't know it's a weird thing to to think about I guess yeah I think to answer the
00:40:18
Speaker
question, how do you get over it? I think that we never really get over a friendship breakup. There's always going to be something that remains, there's always going to be some sort of feelings, and there's always going to be some sort of lesson that we learned. Whether we treated someone incorrectly, or if we could have handled the situation better, or if it's time to grow with someone or let them go, there's just so much there.
00:40:48
Speaker
And I don't think we ever really get over it I think that Accountability is just so important as I as I get older and as I've had I don't really had any Well, actually I've had I want to say like maybe like two major friend breakups in my life one of them being the same person that Rachel's talking about but
00:41:17
Speaker
Yeah, like I think that just being accountable is so important. And it's for like for this person, when she's saying that there's just like a loneliness and a void. Yeah, like if she's in the wrong, then you know, I feel like it's it's never not worth trying to make the situation better. Yeah, I agree with that. I feel like I mean, I think timings everything but I think it's never like too late. Like a friend isn't like
00:41:48
Speaker
a relationship where they're going to go marry someone else. There's always time to fix something in my opinion. I agree. Do you guys think that men and women can be friends when they're in relationships with other people?
Friendships and Relationships: Can They Coexist?
00:42:01
Speaker
Yes. I do, but I have heard, okay, guys are always like, no guy wants to just be your friend. Right.
00:42:11
Speaker
Maybe that's true. I don't know. I have guys that I'm just friends with. For me, yes. For them, maybe not. I don't know. I definitely have a lot of guy friends. I think I grew up with brothers, so it's like I just always was around guys.
00:42:30
Speaker
I will say I do believe the majority of them would fuck me if they had the chance. She said it. Yeah, Matt always says, I actually have a ton of guy friends and they all know Matt and Matt has basically become friends with all of them. So there's definitely that.
00:42:57
Speaker
And the ones that come to mind is like genuine, just like that's like my guy friend. Like there's never been, never slept with them, never been like, Oh, we like kind of dated and, or we didn't, you know, we tried and it didn't work out. Like there's also been none of that. Um, so like, I'm a group, like BK, for instance, like matter are on a group track with him and him and Matt have their own friendship and.
00:43:21
Speaker
And I just went back to the Bay Area for the holiday with the kids. And another good guy friend of mine from high school, Scotty, I just went and hung out with him and his wife. And our kids are all the same age. And so that was just like, it was such a full circle heartful moment to see someone that literally taught me how to drive at a cemetery. He taught me how to drive stick at a cemetery. He's like, well, can't get it.
00:43:50
Speaker
You're not going to hurt anyone to see our kids play. But yeah, I feel like most guys always say, guys can't be friends with girls. Well, my ex, all of his girlfriends, he had either slept with or made out with. Yeah, see, that's not it. Come on. Yeah. Well, that's interesting. But only one side note, BK and I are starting a little supper club.
00:44:17
Speaker
Are you serious? Yeah, the night that we were all together a couple weeks ago, I had had a few drinks and I was like, hey, we need to hang out, but I can't do any more bender nights in the marina. We got to do something civil, kind of like what this other girl wanted. And I set my boundaries and I made something happen. So we're starting a little dining club here in San Francisco.
00:44:40
Speaker
I love this. Yeah, it should be fun. But besides for that, that was a side note. So listeners, stay tuned. I'll let you know where we end up going. But I have had one situation where I was friends with a guy. We had worked together. He got a new girlfriend and she made him stopping friends with me. And he literally had to write me a text message. I was like, hey, my girlfriend says we can't be friends anymore. I was like, you know what?
00:45:09
Speaker
That's fair. Fair enough. Yeah. Also, I just moved to New York, so I was like, bye-bye. Oops, whatever. It wasn't the end of the world. I think it's a case-by-case scenario. I don't think you can just make blanket statements like that. Yeah. Sweeping. Yeah. Should we do our top eight?
Current Obsessions and Life Reflections
00:45:27
Speaker
Yeah, let's do it. Okay. My first one is actually a show. Oh, good. Paris in Love.
00:45:37
Speaker
with Paris Hilton. It's the best show ever. Okay, Hailey loves Paris Hilton. Love. I fucking love her. Her and her mom, her dynamic with her family is so hilarious. And her mom on there is just like, oh my, you just have to watch it. It's on Peacock. Yeah, no one wants to watch. I know. I also highly recommend her cooking show.
00:45:58
Speaker
Have you done any of the recipes or is it just entertaining? I don't know. They're bad, Heather. They're on a whole different level of bad. It's so funny though. Silver tip Christmas trees are my new obsession. They're the ones with a lot of space in between the branches. Yeah.
00:46:19
Speaker
I don't know why I'm kind of like in space right now. I think they're really beautiful. I'll give one more. The New York Times connections game. Have you guys been playing that? No, but actually I saw something about this. Yeah. Okay. So it's this game on the New York Times website and the game section.
00:46:38
Speaker
They do one every day and they give you 16 words and then you have to pair the words into groups of four based on some sort of theme or connection. Some are hard, some are like easier, but it's such a fun game. I like that. So I have one that is
00:46:58
Speaker
not a product but I just found him. He was suggested to me on my feed and I'm pretty sure his name is pronounced Diaz but it's D-E-Y-A-Z and he has a new EP out called Transparency and he is so good. He has like
00:47:18
Speaker
I don't know he's from like over the pond somewhere and he has just like face tats and yeah he has like this total bad boy like look to him but then he has this like soft gentle voice and I'm like
00:47:34
Speaker
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. He's so good. He's so good. I can't wait to listen. And he's like blowing up out of nowhere. I feel like I found him, I don't know, a few weeks ago and he was at like 75, 100,000 and now he's at like 400,000 followers. I love watching people blow up. So you know who I watched blow up the same way? Teddy Swims. And I just finally went to his concert a few months ago.
00:48:04
Speaker
And it was so amazing. I was like almost in tears just out of like the joy, like just swaying by myself after living like three margaritas deep. Oh my gosh. It was such an awesome concert. It was like intimate. It was so good. So I'm here for that. Yeah. It was like, it was real joy. It was like me with my Freddie boy. Fred again. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He, yeah.
00:48:28
Speaker
That's another level. Ben was like, stop acting like you discovered him. My girlfriend signed him.
00:48:38
Speaker
My girlfriend Jessica actually has gone mini viral because her boyfriend, well now her boyfriend Matt, like proposed to her at the Fredigan concert. The one in LA? Yeah, with like the sunflowers. Oh, I saw that, yes. Yeah, she, her and I used to dance together. We used to like dance on the Warriors like over a decade ago and well, I love it and I'm here for it. I'm like, feel all the love. I think it's beautiful. You guys know the brand Zayla Eyewear?
00:49:08
Speaker
I didn't know that's how you say it, but yeah. Vela, I left it up. They have this new frame out called Billy and it is giving me Paris vibes. They're really cute. You should look it up, Billy. They're in this honey color, but they're very
00:49:31
Speaker
Y2K-esque. I love that. Okay, my last thing that I have is Olaplex Purple Shampoo. I'm a new convert to this. Only us fake blondes will really know the need for purple shampoo, but I feel like in comparison to other purple shampoos I've used before, this one is really good. Did you use it now? Check it out. Yeah, I used it this morning. Yeah, your hair looks very white blonde.
00:50:00
Speaker
It's very shiny. It really zaps the yellow right out of it. What if my hair looks yellow right now on camera? No, it doesn't. It looks very white. It looks perfect. I'm going to go ahead and not take that recommendation. I do have one more. This is a product that I just got from Amazon. It's like a mouth rinse, but it's a whitening, non-toxic, what's it called? Lumino.
00:50:29
Speaker
And there's like, no, it doesn't like make your teeth sensitive, no peroxide, enamel safe. All the things you need. Let's do your teeth, Haley. Smile big. Cute. No, but I actually, I've only been using it like a week and I've noticed a difference. So yeah. Me too. Gotcha. Who's your audacity of the week? The audacity of the week.
00:50:57
Speaker
I have one. Go Kanye motherfucking West. The audacity of this man. He will not get off any of my feeds like whether it's news, Instagram, TikTok, whatever. If I'm just perusing trying to like look at some girls outfits online, it's all just Kanye West the audacity. It's like get off my feed.
00:51:21
Speaker
I don't want it. I don't want it. Well, the algorithm thinks you do. I know. What does that mean about me? Do I need to do work? You need to get to that level five. You guys, my friend that's staying with me right now, the other day I was like, hey, let me see your TikTok algorithm. Get it out. And he's like, uh-uh. Oh, oh. Absolutely not. And I was like, what you looking at? He's like, nope. No, no, no. Says a lot about the person. Wait, he wanted to see your, OK.
00:51:50
Speaker
No, I asked to see his. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Any guy's Instagram search page and see what's on there. Exactly. Like a man's explore page or his TikTok algorithm.
00:52:03
Speaker
What does it say about a man who has a bunch of stuff about parenting, who's not a parent? He's caught a kid somewhere. And he's not a parent? That he knows of. I believe subconsciously. That's so funny. Anyways, go ahead, Haley. Okay. Mine is a positive one.
00:52:27
Speaker
the girls that did that training, it's really cool because they just created such a welcoming environment and didn't make it like it was just very supportive. And I think it's really cool that they train other trainers so you don't have to train with their studio, which isn't that common. And they kind of went over the fact that when they started, they had no support and just really gave us like the ins and outs and just so much good advice about
00:52:55
Speaker
like kind of starting your own business and it was, they were just awesome, so. Love that. I love that. That's great. That's really good. Mine is kind of, it's not a person, it's not a product. Mine is just father time. Like my goodness, my son turns 10 today and I have been
00:53:21
Speaker
kind of like going back and reevaluating a lot in my own life, how I spend my time, my relationships, like how intimate I am, you know, emotionally how fulfilling my relationships are, or not. And I just think that
00:53:41
Speaker
You know, it's really important to remember that time is fleeting and day to day things might not feel like anything's changing and all of a sudden you're sitting there, you know, 10 years later and
00:53:55
Speaker
and it's like everything has changed. And I don't know, just being like really, really present because man, I cannot believe I have a 10-year-old. Like that, it's just, it's wild to me. The audacity of time passing. Like the idea, like the audacity of just squandering time. Yeah. Like people, I have a friend right now who's going through cancer and it was really unexpected and it was such a blessing that they found it.
00:54:23
Speaker
You know, just like the audacity to squander time, like it's... Man, it goes fast. Bro, that was heavy.
00:54:33
Speaker
On that note, I know. I'm like, I need to be way more productive today. It's just, you know, it's important. I think it's like- Call my dad.
Gratitude and Improvement in Podcasting
00:54:42
Speaker
Well, on that note, listeners, thank you so much for joining us again today, episode three. I hope you're enjoying watching us get better at podcasting every time, every day.
00:54:54
Speaker
I hope we're getting better. I think we are. I think we're getting so much better. Maybe we just like to hear ourselves talk. Well, thank you for your support and we can't wait to talk to you again next week. Bye all. Bye.