Episode 35 - Astros @ Reds - July 25, 1994

Transcript

Speaker: So picture this, you think you're headed somewhere normal and suddenly you're somewhere you absolutely did not plan on being. Welcome to the island. Welcome to Lost THC, a dispensary inspired by Lost.

Speaker: This is the place where curiosity beats certainty, where nothing is accidental and where opening the hatch is always a good idea. At Lost THC, we fully embrace the spirit of the Dharma Initiative. Experimentation, discovery, and asking important questions like, what happens if I try this strain instead?

Speaker: Every visit feels like choosing a path. Jack would overthink it. Sawyer would absolutely grab the strongest thing on the menu. Hurley? Hurley's asking what pairs best with snacks. And yes, there's a hatch.

Speaker: Not literally, but spiritually? Oh, it's there. You walk in curious, you leave changed. Sometimes calmer, sometimes more creative, sometimes deeply invested in conversations about fate versus free will. And just like the island, Lost THC doesn't judge why you're here.

Speaker: It just gives you what you need to survive the experience. So if life feels confusing, if the timeline doesn't quite add up, if you're not sure how you got here, but you're oddly okay with it, relax.

Speaker: You're not lost. You're part of the experiment. Lost THC. We'll see in the hatch. Let me hear you. Good and loud. All right, Gary.

Speaker: one. A two. A three. And now, to people that probably know you better than you know yourself, that's my whole ball game all night long.

Speaker: How's your territory doing, Blakers?

Speaker: I

Speaker: can always count old Mr. Downing to provide provide the soundtrack of our lives.

Speaker: Here's the question I've got for you, Blake. Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.

Speaker: I know I'd fuck me. Were you expecting someone else, son? Oh, Papa. I was. Hello, Papa. Hello, fat boy. How are you? Yeah, well, is as you can see, I, uh... What happened to your face, son? God damn. You don't even have my chin.

Speaker: It's your... There are several chins here, all of them and weaker than the next. You got that from your Papa Howard, not from me. Yeah, I think so. think you're right. This is, uh... It's a real mess underneath this beard. For the uninitiated who don't know what's going on, I i shaved my beard a week ago, and it was a mistake. I haven't done it in 12 years, and I did it as a bet that I won but really lost, and it's a real mess. We'll never do this again, I say that now, but 12 years down the road, I'll forget. i think we should just staple a rug to your face.

Speaker: I think it'd be it's better than this look. There's no question. This is a fucking mess. I'm fully aware. I considered very seriously just not leaving the house until I absolutely needed to. I mean, I can Instacart groceries in. It's no big deal, but I can't get away with it.

Speaker: My wife wouldn't let me do it. but let's let's dress you up like Muhammad Hassan, okay? And then we'll put the little hat thingy over your face. It's not the worst thing I've heard. Be kind of androgynous. Andrade?

Speaker: You're sort of fat, so you know we can mix in elements of the sultan as well. He had that face apparatus. if Yeah, that's pretty good. It's a very popo sort of word, isn't it? apparat Let's not beat around the bush here. I'm here. Your brother asked me to come and to... to pimp the Patreon, if you will, as we've discussed in past, we will be Papa will be guiding you boys and and we'll be taking over the territory of Tony and going back to retrace the steps leading up to the take. I mean, the the the analysis of the elites at all elite entertainment. And I'm obviously not with you in you because you could die at any minute. And I do not want to die yet. If you haven't noticed, I'm a big proponent of staying alive no matter what. So your brother's, he's just a safer bet, quite frankly, at this moment. And that doesn't make me feel very good because he's he's a little bit of a wild card. I'm going to lie to you.

Speaker: The things the boy does troubles me. But we'll talk about that on the show for the paying people, assuming that some maniac fucking... spatchcock jambalaya and pull a shotgun on you boys and stick at your mouth.

Speaker: Anyway, I gotta go. See ya. Wait, before you before you leave, Papa, like quick quick quick question. Hang on, let me get a drink at Pepsi.

Speaker: That's the taste of a new generation.

Speaker: Heartland strong. um So, the question that I've got for you yeah ah is, you know you said my brother and I are going to be watching and and you'll be there as well. um All elite entertainment from, from the beginning, where are we starting? There's been some sort of back and forth about that. And I just kind of want to get an understanding of, of where we're starting this journey ah for our Patreon fans.

Speaker: Oh, a bit of a bit of a tit for tat. You say, sure. Look, I understand your question. And quite frankly, there's only one answer because, Where does wrestling really start? It starts in the the main event capital of America, the Mecca, the Northeast, Papa's territory.

Speaker: We start in Washington, my boy. Quite frankly, we might end in Washington. Who knows? Eyebrows up, fat ass.

Speaker: There you have it. Thank you, Papa. ah If you didn't catch at the beginning of the program, this week's episode of the whole ballgame is brought to you by Lost DHC. We'll see in the hatch.

Speaker: Yeah, right with our cock pump. Correct, yeah. What was that thing called? I don't remember. The Blowjob 5000. Yeah. yeah i just want I just want the guy to see that we're talking about him again and email us.

Speaker: aum Who knows? Maybe Lost THC is doing the same thing. i don't know. Yeah, well. Autoblow. Yes, it's the Autoblow. 5,000, 3,000. The Did I mention it's the Autoblow?

Speaker: Please send one to both Blake and I, but just me, really. Blake doesn't need one because he still gets regular sex. On the reg. Yeah. look But send me the Lost THC, though, and send me an Autoblow, too, quite frankly, and I'll i'll get to as high as I can and come.

Speaker: Beautiful. This is just, this is turning out to be one of those sort of perfect evenings. Look, got to tell you, last few weeks, everything's coming up Milhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker: Very excited for you and your new journey as you walk for miles. I'm going to do zero here. She walked for miles inside this pit of danger.

Speaker: We've got a ballgame on. do walk alone. Yep. Well, you know, look, you're not, you're never alone when you've got lost THC. There

Speaker: you You

Speaker: know who the artist is?

Speaker: Saliva.

Speaker: It is. didn't know that. That time period, I went to so many shows around that time period when he won the title and shit and Like around the Midwest, me and my buddy Andy would go to a bunch of shows, and I really liked Batista. Really did that time. Like when he turned face and all that stuff, like I was into it.

Speaker: um Did you like his belly button tattoo? Was that what did it? Well, of course. It tickled me, you know? You know, that's what the question that got me blocked by Philip Brooks many years ago on Twitter. How big is Batista's dick?

Speaker: Yep. That was it. That did it. Nine and three quarters. If you really want to know what a fucking bitch to block somebody. That's great. That's a, that's a big dick.

Speaker: That's a big, big dick. Yep. It surprises me though. Cause I look, he looks kind of penisless in those tights to be honest. Yeah. Right. Yeah. He's a shower. He's a grower, not a shower. That's a hell of a growth. But anyway, I digress. I don't want to get in. Shout out to my buddy, Jerry, who doesn't listen, but he once made the comment as we were watching, raw,

Speaker: raw um In 98, I believe. And he's it was, is it just me, guys? Or is his belly gun look totally penisless? He's in his Mr. Ass shorts.

Speaker: He's an ass man. Because they did close-up right on his dick, and he's like, hey, just me, or is he look totally penisless? He likes to stick them, as I recall.

Speaker: believe he also likes to lick them. They even say that. That's pretty good. Yeah. I mean, i don't blame him. Yeah. well We all know Gabe's eating that ass.

Speaker: Anyway. Oh, baby. ah ah We've got a ball game to watch tonight. dudes yeah yeah It's the Astros at the Reds. I believe this is in Cincinnati.

Speaker: And ah July 25th, 1994. Just ah Two and a half weeks before the strike starts ah here in Cincinnati. ah Of course, you heard last time um the love that Jeff Bagwell has for Tony Robbins.

Speaker: You heard last time

Speaker: from Kevin Mitchell as well. And I'm sure we'll hear from both of them as we work our way through this, uh, epic matchup of national league foes.

Speaker: Yeah. I'm working through something here. You good? Yeah. Okay. Just making sure i you, you see, usually I'll pause and he'll talk and then he'll pause and I'll talk and I didn't know what was happening. I think I got a fucking, um,

Speaker: I did the, I opened the windows up funny and it didn't work out like I wanted it to. So i do your thing. It's all good. Now I'm trying to get the, yeah. He'll work on that.

Speaker: And, uh, what we'll talk about is what's, uh, on, on the minds of everybody here. What, uh, what, I guess I don't know what's on the minds of everybody here. This is just fantastic television.

Speaker: Um, God damn it, pal. Fucking stall him for a second. Jesus Christ. Uh, Papa's in my headset. Uh, he shook me. i don't know what to tell you. I feel like, uh, I feel like Mick Foley on SmackDown in 2010.

Speaker: Just trying to get the goddamn game up on another fucking window with your stupid face and it's just not working. What what we need to do is get you a second monitor like a civilized human being instead of squinting at a 13-inch laptop screen every week.

Speaker: Nah, it's fine, dude. You don't need to worry about it.

Speaker: It's just going back and forth. It's pretty funny, though. Well, I mean, sure. i don't need to worry about it, but You can say that about just about anything in my life, and ah you're probably right, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to worry about it.

Speaker: You worry too much, you know that? Thank you. Thank you. Oh, good. Look, I got this open. You want to know what the fuck is on my goddamn screen? How wrestlers eat clean at McDonald's, Buff Bagwell explains.

Speaker: Well, that's exciting. It's a picture of fucking Buff holding two fries, a chicken nuggets, and a burger with a backwards hat on and a paper sack shirt.

Speaker: that's That sounds terrible. um Although, how long is it? this is It's eight minutes. this is i'm I'm getting here. I'm in i'm in the goddamn thing now, all right?

Speaker: What thing are you in? The fucking baseball game. What else would I be in, jackass? I... What? Why are you going to call names? You know, like, we've been at this for a long time. we i just renewed... Yes, 39 episodes in three years. Yeah, I just renewed these this... ah Well, I mean, look. that those Those are full episodes, okay? Like, we have well over 70, if you're not counting.

Speaker: ah Or if you are counting. Anyway... ah

Speaker: Yeah, my train of thought is really good tonight. This is what happens. this is See, I told you I can't be in that fat ass's head. He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. He's all, hey, oh let's talk about the... but Well, I guess I don't know what's going on in the moment. i ah I just sit around and scroll all fucking day, but I got no idea what's happening.

Speaker: I got nothing to talk about other than my shaved face.

Speaker: Maybe we can talk about Quiznos. Yeah. ah It's baseball night in America. There it is. Early for Adam.

Speaker: Jesus. Now that is one thing i am excited about. I believe this is our first foray of baseball night in America. Oh, I guess it would be, wouldn't it?

Speaker: Do you remember baseball night in America at all? Of course. I was excited for Baseball Night in America at the time. That's how you know it was great. I could tell it at the time was happening that there was something special about this presentation.

Speaker: And we got like fucking two months of it. With no further ado, the reason why I was stalling for so long. Hey guys, I'm Marcus Bob Bagwell. And one thing we learned pretty fast as pro wrestlers is how to eat clean.

Speaker: And apparently that's all of the eight minutes that it pulled. Awesome. Thanks, Buff. Wonderful. Jesus Christ. It's baseball night in America. And thanks to our pals, this is where you find baseball.

Speaker: We're going to watch the game together. ah The link is in the show notes below as per usual. Head on down there, click for the link. Hopefully it'll open up on your second screen ah and and we'll watch this ball game together. ah We're going to count it down from three. And when I say play, you press play.

Speaker: ah There should be red washed screen. a picture of of somebody from the Reds trying to catch ball. Oh, there is Kirby Puckett. There you go. My name. get it? That's why. Kirby Puckett.

Speaker: Suck it. Kirby Puckett. All right, cunt lip humidor. We'll count it down from three in three, two, one, play.

Speaker: that Yeah, see, that music is indelible. I remember that very well. There's one-armed Jim Abbott. I just saw myself on there. Hey, I just saw Jimmy Key, the dude that taught my neighbor kid how to throw. Remember? Yeah, i think that neighbor kid of yours is just full of shit.

Speaker: Man, this house smelled like shit. Look at that beautiful riverfront stadium. Goddamn. Right off the river.

Speaker: hu Genius. Is that how they got the name? Not just a clever nickname. Look at this. Astros and Cincinnati very close in the standings.

Speaker: Houston one game behind. Got Brent Musburger on the call here.

Speaker: Future manager of the Astros, Larry Durker. I'll tell you this. ah I mentioned this to the other night, and think you know something. You're already asleep.

Speaker: You're on a tear, Jeff. Yeah, it you know, i I have a lot to, ah

Speaker: got to give it up to my my my boy Tony. He's the best. oh God damn it, I forgot about Tony. Yeah, well, you know, that's your problem, is you forget about Tony.

Speaker: ah what What else is there, you know? Anyway. um Who's this handsome motherfucker?

Speaker: and so be I bet he's got a big fucking dick, Gabe. He's got a big dick. He's going to eat your fucking face. Maybe eat your mom. Mike Tyson, Kevin Mitchell on the whole ballgame, everybody.

Speaker: I'm going to go Blue, no San Martino. We've got Greg Swindell starting for Houston and John Smiley starting for the Reds. Mr. Smiley.

Speaker: We've got John Saunders in the fucking studio writing on paper.

Speaker: He's at the ABC studios.

Speaker: He's telling us about the stories around the league. We're in the middle of a pennant race, Gabe.

Speaker: Terry Pendleton, not in the lineup. Look at this. Look at this shit. We got the Expos up on the Braves by a game and a half, and we got Pedro and Smoltz going tonight. Cincy and Houston a game apart. Swindell and Smiley. The AL Central, where we will be with our next ballgame.

Speaker: Okay? Blackjack McDowell and Kevin Apier at Kauffman.

Speaker: The fucking... It was stolen from us. And it damned us.

Speaker: Well, Blake, I think I might have some some different opinions about what was stolen from who in the 1994 season. But we'll get to that during the next ballgame.

Speaker: I'm Frank Thomas. Yes, thank you, Frank. Biggio, Finley, Backwell, Caminiti, Bass, Luis Gonzalez, Tony Eusebio behind the play, and Duhar Sadanio, who was hit in 23 of his last 31 games, and Greg Swindell on the mound.

Speaker: The diminutive Craig Biggio leading off here for the Houston Astros. That in 314 with six homers and 50 RBIs on the season.

Speaker: The reds in their white red pinstripe sleeveless unis. Not a big fan of the sleeveless button-up look with the ah the alternate color underneath. I don't like it.

Speaker: I liked it at the time. I do not like it now. I even had one of those hats. The white one with the red pinstripes? Yep. Not an official one, of course. You can afford that, but.

Speaker: A gas station one, yes.

Speaker: I do like these Astro uniforms, though. They're probably my favorite Astro uniform.

Speaker: These are the ones that, yeah, these were very short-lived. Yes, like two seasons? I think like maybe five. okay. Four or five. Yeah, this this the star in the O, and he in the second O in Houston. Yeah, pretty good.

Speaker: ah Ground ball to third and a quick first out for the the Reds here in the bottom of the first top of the first. Fernandez DeMorris.

Speaker: Tony joined as a free agent.

Speaker: We got Mitchell Brumfield and Sanders left to right. Fernandez, Larkin, Boone, Morris around the infield. Dorsett and Smiley are your battery. You know, ah I had mentioned this ah as...

Speaker: Steve Finley from the same hometown is Ricochet, by the way. Paducah, Kentucky? That's correct. All right. So when Steve Steve was a rookie for the with the Orioles and as we've discussed the plethora of games I went to in 1989, one of the promotions was one of the promotions was They used to, players would walk around the goddamn field and people could take pictures of them. They would walk and like stand for a few seconds and then they just made their way around. Like that used to be a goddamn thing.

Speaker: Sure. and Okay. People took pictures of the players and maybe be lucky enough to get them signed an autograph. And, um, my, uh, sister's brother-in-law or husband, my brother-in-law who went on to leave her for a 70 year old woman in Florida, as you know, he yelled out to Steve Finley.

Speaker: Hey, he's from Sykeston. Cause Paducah is like 30 miles away. You think Steve Finley gave a fuck? I would say no. Did not.

Speaker: Yeah. Just kept walking. Yes. Yep. Brett Boone lets the outfield know there's two outs here. Just, just so everybody knows. um here's ah Here's what I was getting to, and here comes Jeff Bagwell up to bat batting third here. Also no hair on the face.

Speaker: Yeah, better better with no hair than with ah the late career whisker biscuit. It was a real problem. He's batting.362 with 32 homers and 98 RBIs, all right?

Speaker: Power of positive thinking. ah Anyway, um

Speaker: Got steroids. ah Got it Okay. Very good. Positive thinking. last ah Last week or so, I i picked Brockmire back up on Netflix.

Speaker: ah they It just landed on Netflix a couple weeks ago, and I got served it because even Netflix knows the algorithm. So ah I rewatched the first season and got through the rest.

Speaker: of the show and I'm currently on the fourth season. Um, great television program. First two seasons. Fantastic. Third season. ah not as good, but the third season you get, um, you get what's his name from, uh, uh, a bunch of shit. The, the bald guy, um, um, he's a character actor, uh, using whiplash.

Speaker: He plays J. Jonah Jameson Spider-Man. i don't know any of that shit. Yeah.

Speaker: I think season three might be where I jumped off. Is that is that where the girl is? When does the girl come in? Yeah, the the the black girl lesbian. Yeah. um Yes, for your identifiers, yes.

Speaker: Thank you. Well, hey, you know there's girls everywhere. Girl was fine. like You do what fuck I was talking about. fourth Yeah, but did did the listeners? you know This is the reason we don't have I wish you fuckers could have saw his face when he did it. He like leaned in a little bit, but to the listeners, and like he was fucking getting dug in. the Bagwell still has a fucking base, by the way.

Speaker: but Ken Caminiti right now. yeah The fact that he had no hair on his face made it all that much sleazier, too. we'll let it go. Anyway. Yeah, he's on droids. J.K. Simmons.

Speaker: Oh, yeah, yeah. J.K. Simmons is in the season as an ex-ball player. Yeah, I remember that. I saw that. Yeah. So it's very good. Fantastic. It was really – that dynamic was excellent.

Speaker: But the dad then you get into the fourth you get into the fourth season, and it all fucking takes place in the future. It's like he gets a kid – like some kid ends up being his from Thailand, and she comes over, and he raises this kid – And eventually, in like 2030, he becomes the commissioner of baseball.

Speaker: oh And it gets really fucking weird and not good. Not not good at all. So it's a fall off with that program.

Speaker: Like a lot of shows like that have like one or two really strong. seats And then they get fucking strange with it. You know, like that seems to be a thing now.

Speaker: It is one of the more unhinged and thus realistic television programs I've ever really watched all the way through just because it's, it never really loses its edge until the very end.

Speaker: Like he, it's, it is raunchy and it is fucking hilarious and just completely unfiltered reminds us me a lot of us. Um, if I do say so myself,

Speaker: Yeah, I don't know if we're quite as classy as Jim Brockmire, but of the shoot for. I mean, look, we have about 13 less viewers than Brockmire had, so it is what it is. Although he did have more on Patreon.

Speaker: Brockmire? Yeah, i I would assume. I don't know what's happening.

Speaker: given yes We have five. That's why. That's the joke. The joke is we don't have enough. I think we got six. Maybe our jaunt down to Tony's territory will help out with that.

Speaker: People seem to love it when people shit on AEW. So maybe, you know, Cornette's formula might work for us. Hey, and we can do better voices.

Speaker: It's a good point. Yep.

Speaker: I mean, look, he you got a... It's just like I'm going to go to, basically. I can't even do it now. Because it just becomes Jimmy. It's Jimmy. Everything is Jimmy.

Speaker: Oh, there we go. Oh, my goodness. That was a fair ball. That's going to score Jeff Bagwell.

Speaker: You look at the fucking... the talent on this Astro team, like it's pretty incredible. Yeah. This lineup's and absurd. And you know, like Gonzalez hasn't came into his own and Finley, but Jesus Christ, man, those guys, you know what, that, that, that is the thing that sticks with me as we've been walking through this season.

Speaker: Uh, the individual games are, you know, the, Kudos to you for the curation because the individual games have been perfectly illustrative of what could have been ah in the postseason here.

Speaker: Because you start to think about what these postseason matchups, Luis Gonzalez is in now, what these postseason matchups would have been in a three, excuse me, in a five or seven game series.

Speaker: um And it's like, my God, what what did we lose? You know, everything. It's absolutely insane. And we keep saying that, right. You know, but what does that actually mean?

Speaker: Like,

Speaker: just, ah you look at these, these rosters and the way they're stacked and the way this, this pennant race is shaping up, like at the beginning of the game here, um, our boy in the studio walked us through like every division is tight.

Speaker: There's a ton of talent happening. you know There are one, two, three, four, six teams that legitimately have a chance at winning the World Series because they're so stacked.

Speaker: Pretty crazy. Pretty crazy what we lost. Brumfeld in center, Fernandez at third, Barry Larkin batting third at short. Iron Kevin Mitchell in left, Reggie Sanders in right, Hal Moore first, Brett Boone batting seventh at second, Brian Dorsett behind the plate at eighth, and John Smiley on the map.

Speaker: Yeah, look, I made the they the list of games is the only thing in this goddamn show that's probably ever been planned out. And I made that before think we did our first fucking show, probably. But um no, they were all They've all been intentionally chosen people focused on chosen for specific reasons because just like this was a once in a lifetime season and.

Speaker: Just looking at the guys who were chasing records, and the the whole Expos thing, like they were up six games when the whole fucking season ends and what that just did to that entire city and franchise.

Speaker: And then looking at like like this, these teams are fucking neck and neck the whole way. And they're both stacked. Like, I think this is the, this is the fucking Cincinnati team that, um, I think their season ending average is like 293 or some bullshit. Like the fucking team batting average is like like almost 300. Um,

Speaker: and then, you know, that's to say nothing to what's going on in the AL with the, the fucking Yankees are good again. And the white socks are loaded and juniors, junior. And,

Speaker: Yeah, it's all, we got raped of our dignity. Athletics are still in in it too, no? I think the AL West was basically a bunch of losing teams.

Speaker: I think that division, nobody was over 500, and it was between the, I think it was basically between the Rangers and the, I don't know what it ended up at, but I think the division where everybody was under 500.

Speaker: But yeah, we got, ah let's see, as I told you earlier, we go to um Kauffman for the White Sox and Royals next. And then we got two more games, pal.

Speaker: It's a wild thing to think about that this is this is wrapping up.

Speaker: Lessons have been learned. Lives have been changed.

Speaker: Brent Musburger, not a baseball man, in my opinion. Not ah not a big fan of his commentary. he's He's sleepy. He's got a sleepy voice. He's got a sleepy face.

Speaker: It's true. He does. He does have a sleepy face. He's of that Bob Cottle ilk. Yeah, I'm familiar with Bob. What time did Bob call the night tonight?

Speaker: ah Just after 8.00. So o two two and a half hours ago or so. Let's be getting that iron up. Yep. She's working on it. ah I successfully got the kid into her own bed and for ah three days.

Speaker: So that was great. And then good. good Because it was too much for her to handle waking up to comfort her. was, Wake up and bring her right back to the bed.

Speaker: Gotcha.

Speaker: Because, as you know, Baseball Night in America brought to you by the Olive Garden. Ah, yes. Meat Sauce Mafia.

Speaker: Makes them hungry just to think about it, Blake. Anyway, yeah.

Speaker: you know what i You know what I like there that they just brought back? The steak gorgonzola Alfredo. oh okay. These real tasty little filet mignon medallions on top of that bad bad boy. and Yeah.

Speaker: yep It was a thing when back when I was in high school, taking my ah ah my lady, Jenny. here we We talked about Jenny on the program. Right, yeah. and past taking I remember taking Jenny to to so Olive Garden in Merrillville.

Speaker: And ah we ordered the mozzarella fonduta, which they need to bring that back as well. It's like smoked mozzarella with little little bread rounds.

Speaker: Phenomenal. And the steak gorgonzola Alfredo that was had little little sun-dried roasted red peppers.

Speaker: Oh, boy. what a What a world we used to live in. And now... The only thing you really need to go to Olive Garden for these days is the unlimited soup salad and breadsticks.

Speaker: Yeah, I went to Olive Garden one time. We got all fucked up and got fucked up on sangria and puked in the parking lot. Everything I just ate, was fucking phenomenal. It burned.

Speaker: It burned. he He said it burned. Barry Larkin in now.

Speaker: All these motherfuckers batting around 290 so far. Well, he said the team, that's you know, I think it's going to end up about got caught on that one.

Speaker: Trying to steal. Former Cleveland Indian, Greg Swindell.

Speaker: If I'm not mistaken, he will occasionally throw a screwball. I was, uh, I was throwing a screw ball this evening. Uh, somebody on social media, uh, took a picture of a curler from the Swiss Swiss national team.

Speaker: Uh, and, uh, went ahead and, and changed her name to Rochelle Rochelle. Right. Put it on the internet.

Speaker: And probably because I wanted it to be true so badly. I believed it was true. I passed it along to several people before I checked my sources. And unfortunately, it was not true. There is no Rochelle Rochelle on the Swiss national curling team, ah nor on any national curling team, as far as I can tell.

Speaker: um And so Seinfeld fans, I apologize for the mistake I've made. i apologize to you, Blake, for putting you in a position where you were forwarding false information. and And I'll tell you this, I will certainly use a lot more discretion as we move forward ah with the, ah the sending of memes that don't involve ah the mentally challenged singing songs on the internet.

Speaker: about time you've taken some responsibility for your actions. Yeah. One of the most reckless human beings I've known ever.

Speaker: Well, you're welcome.

Speaker: Maybe we could just put a murk in on your face for the next couple hours. Fuck you, man. God damn it. Stop. I get it. It's terrible. i know. i have to work i have to live with it. you stepped to you turn i can turn the camera off if it felt if it helps.

Speaker: Goddamn, man. like Seriously. like Lay off of my shit. I'm sensitive about it, and it's upsetting when you continue to harp on the fact that I'm ugly without a beard. i get it.

Speaker: I'm ugly with a beard. I'm uglier without a beard. let's Can we not anymore? i just wanted to talk about American.

Speaker: It's a pubic wig. i'm I'm aware of what it is. Well, I do have enough pubic hair that I could probably shave it and just put it on there. Get some super glue out of the utility drawer.

Speaker: Anything if not resourceful. Oh, line drive. It's a beautiful hit. Just right to Tony Gonzalez. Or Luis Gonzalez, depending on who it is you're talking about. and i was talking about Luis.

Speaker: Yeah, Tony Gonzalez is another sport.

Speaker: Tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, as I recall. Correct, yes. Here comes Kevin Mitchell, big Kevin Mitchell, in batting 319 on the season, 24 homer, 61 RBI.

Speaker: That's an impressive stat line there, larry Kevin.

Speaker: I thought he was here. Thank you, Gabe. Wonderful. That's great.

Speaker: It's me, Kevin.

Speaker: I love baseball.

Speaker: Now that's imagine-tainment.

Speaker: See, everybody has to play until they get punched in the mouth. Speak it, get punched in the mouth.

Speaker: Uh-oh. Jesus, he killed that. My goodness, that's at least $4.75. Goddamn.

Speaker: That's a KO, motherfuckers. That's like when Bruno fought Larry Zbysko at Shea.

Speaker: Cole Swindell was not happy about what just happened. It's Greg. Same difference. 25 on the year. Look at that.

Speaker: Going to go have a cold one in the clubhouse. Bam. Can't leave that up there, big Kev. My goodness.

Speaker: They don't hit him like that anymore. They had to stop and look. built like a brick shithouse, that's for sure. He's not... to

Speaker: i don't think he's a big ball of muscle or anything. He's he's got some weight to him. He's got to be fatter than shit today. no I'm certain of it. yeah

Speaker: Is he dead?

Speaker: Ron Gant it just just says is he has no undershirt on. Did you see that? I did indeed. Kevin Mitchell.

Speaker: Oh, yeah, he's got a little pot belly. Yep, for sure. Well, that's from 2016, so I'm sure it's bigger now. He's probably got diabetes.

Speaker: Oh, what a play by Caminetti. Wow. fucking uncorks it because he's a reckless fucking beast. There's Bagwell's dog shit throw.

Speaker: Lucky had turf. If Bagwell would have thrown that on any other goddamn field, it would have fucking went off into left. Hey, hey, what happened? What happened during the play?

Speaker: You got a bitch arm. What's the matter? What's the matter? i What happened during the play?

Speaker: Did we get out of the editing or not?

Speaker: I'd make a really crude analogy for you, Jeff, but it would hurt my co-host's feelings, so I'm going to withhold it.

Speaker: Look, man, don't don't hold anything back on my account. I'm fine. I'll be fine. I don't want to be on the other end of that again. Fuck you. I'll take you a couple Xanax before I go to bed and forget about it. It's not a big deal. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker: You know, of all the dramas... How about this young man, Larry? Huh? Is that you? Is that Musburger? Yeah. How about this young man, Larry? Tony Eusebio.

Speaker: Yeah. Let's talk about his facial hair. Let's see. Oh, it's alright.

Speaker: He's got one of them... He's got like a pencil-thin mustache. He does indeed. He's a Latin lover, as it were. Oh, he is not... um from the, the Northern section of America.

Speaker: i would imagine he's from the Dominican, uh, or some point South. That's my guess. Yeah. is Benito so eloquently pointed out that there are many, many parts of the Americas. are America.

Speaker: Correct. We are the United States of America of America. There's, there's Central America. There's South America. Lots of countries that make up the Americas.

Speaker: You ever notice? It's not just us. And you know what? You know what? I'm, fucking guilty of thinking like that. We all are. of course. you don't you don't think it you get You don't think of it any other way.

Speaker: But motherfucker's absolutely right. know Something that I haven't seen talked about with that halftime show.

Speaker: Yeah, I saw. It doesn't get talked about yet, at least, that I've seen anywhere that

Speaker: I see a lot of people complaining that there wasn't a lick of English in the whole thing. And they're absolutely wrong. There were exactly three words in English.

Speaker: You remember what those words were, Blake? I don't. I don't know. bless America. Oh, okay. At the very end, as he was reading, right before he started reading off then the names of the countries in the Americas, He says, God bless America, into the the microphone, and then starts reading um reading them off. it It was an absolutely brilliant way to end the thing, if you ask me, because I could feel i could i could feel viscerally via via the the anger waves in the air from these dipshits just sitting in my living room watching how upset they must have been getting throughout the entirety of the thing, watching a bunch of ah Hispanic folks in all dressed all in white,

Speaker: ah just living their lives, they their best lives. It was like a lot of fun to me. Oh, God, it was fucking fantastic. Imagine the sex they were having. Come on.

Speaker: Just coming everywhere, man. God damn. Viva La Raza! I was always a big fan of that.

Speaker: i Sorry. was I was at the paid show. but I hear you heard you talking about some Latinas. Yeah.

Speaker: Papa, you're a fan of the Latina, Latinas, are you? I like the booties.

Speaker: I came up with bootios, you know. You did. You did indeed. But those i mean i you you are my booties. You are certainly my father. There's no question.

Speaker: Somebody call my mama. She was black too. All right, I got to go. We're going to give all this away for free.

Speaker: Remind me to tell Papa about my experience with the Latinos, Latinas, uh, on the first episode of the Patreon series. That'll probably, you'll probably have an opportunity in the very first match.

Speaker: Wonderful. Great news. Do you remember the very first match? Is it Thunder Rosa? No, you do you don't remember. They made such a big goddamn deal about it. The very first match. on Is it Diamante?

Speaker: No, it's not women. Oh, okay. Uh, is it proud and powerful? You clearly don't remember the first match of Dynamite, right? Nope. I don't remember it.

Speaker: It's Cody and Sammy Guevara. Oh, yeah. Sammy Guevara. ah Yeah, it's going to be really interesting to see where all the people that that first episode was built around are at now.

Speaker: we've ah we've We've been opining about it for for years that...

Speaker: they made a pretty significant strategic error in the first year of that series. In the first year of that, that, that company in terms of not leaning more heavily on Kenny and the bucks.

Speaker: Yeah. you also got remember too, they got really fucked by COVID. Like they were getting hot. And then, cause I went to the goddamn dynamite, like probably two days,

Speaker: Well, it was the go home to revolution. So I was at, and I was at revolution. Yeah. It was a, it was a couple of fucking weeks before everything shut down and they had some goddamn momentum, man. It was pretty hot. And i thought, I mean, especially when you compare the two fucking companies, like I thought they handled the so much better, so much fucking better than WWE much better.

Speaker: Um, but still, you know, it, It's only going to be so good. They had fucking MJF and them dipshits gambling in the front row. I thought that was fucking genius. Loved that shit.

Speaker: Much better than the goddamn Thunderdome. The worst thing ever. god Remember Sudikov got on there?

Speaker: I don't. i I've never paid attention to the Discord or their... It's on fucking Twitter. Oh, whatever. Like, I...

Speaker: i like i always gave that I always gave that guy shit on Twitter, but I only gave that guy shit on Twitter because I knew it would pop you. That would fight. We were just working for the boys in the back. I don't give a shit about any of it. but There's two more runs scored here. Vigio. Vigio. RBI is 51 52 season.

Speaker: rbi is fifty one and fifty two on the season I think he just did a line of cocaine off of his batting glove, by the way. He did indeed. He leads the league in doubles, too. like I don't know if you heard that part.

Speaker: Yeah, a little more cocaine and maybe he can lead triples. Yeah, Biggio's a doubles machine. As diminutive as he is, you would imagine he'd have more more triples under his belt. Do you know that he was originally a catcher when he came up?

Speaker: I feel like I did know that, but I i can't say that I did. i feel like I did. He was a catcher, and um you know they decided his his wheels were a little too valuable and and played second base and outfield after that.

Speaker: Probably a good call.

Speaker: Low, but just hits the the strikes on there for a strike. We got the Mets and the Cardinals On Baseball Night in America, Braves are leading the Expos three nothing Marlins and the Phillies after 3.

Speaker: Smiley makes the most awkward attempt at a pickoff move I've ever seen. Yeah, the left-handed move to second base isn't a smooth one. He jumped and turned.

Speaker: Yeah. so It was like me trying to dance.

Speaker: Think about that without without this beard.

Speaker: My I can't imagine the just. It there would be nothing to catch the sweat running off of your face. Yeah, nothing.

Speaker: Probably slip on it and fall. The the beads of sweat would be oddly opaque. You know what not clear.

Speaker: So it's just like a weird, like, like misty white color. Starts to foam. Uh-huh. Yeah, my beard. the Rockies and Padres, they're playing at 10 p.m. Do you see that?

Speaker: Yeah. the The facial hair starts to froth it up a little bit. Yeah. Really sexy stuff. what's What's weird is I keep looking at the camera, right? um And I see myself with this kind of A little bit better than five o'clock shadow going on. Yeah. It's about six.

Speaker: ah Is I keep, I keep seeing my dad because my dad never had a beard and we had the same chin. he just walked around with it because he was, he didn't give a fuck about what anybody thought ever.

Speaker: ah So I keep looking and I see, I keep being like, what the fuck? I look, it's, it's very, it's very frightening how much I look like him. I mean, it makes sense, right?

Speaker: Who else is going look like your dad? Me?

Speaker: Thanks, Blake. That's helpful.

Speaker: Good stuff. I mean, does he not understand genetics? it's

Speaker: My favorite part of about that is it's like as if he's producing us and he just pressed the button to go on the air. Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.

Speaker: Where the fuck have you been? he's He's been there forever, goddammit. It's the whole point. I'm fucked. That's all we see.

Speaker: Lost fucking souls.

Speaker: One and two to Bagwell. Two outs. I'm glad you mentioned that, Blake. Today's episode is brought to you by Lost THC. Thank you.

Speaker: If you're in the Wichita area, stop into any Lost THC dispensary and tell them you're a fan of the whole ballgame podcast and receive absolutely nothing at all because this is a fake ad and I don't want to get in trouble. I don't think there is a Lost THC dispensary, as a matter of fact. I think it's just a product you can get in most dispensaries nationwide.

Speaker: Yeah, I think that's the more accurate assumption.

Speaker: Talking about pitching coach Don Gullit. Alright.

Speaker: Who wouldn't want to talk about Dan Gullit?

Speaker: That's a good one. oh Looks a lot like me. There you go. What are you doing?

Speaker: Butch. Oh, you're looking for pictures your father there? Yes, that's that's Butch. That's Butch Yoakum. Hey, everybody, that's Butch Yocum.

Speaker: He used to work at the R.C. Cole place.

Speaker: Big fan of Roman Reigns.

Speaker: He was one of the first members of the Roman Empire. Another RBI there. Da-da! Da-da! Ba-ba-ba-da!

Speaker: 4-2 Bagwell. 4-2 Astros here after a Jeff Bagwell RBI single. Look at that. Baseball night in America.

Speaker: Great cleats, by the way.

Speaker: You always watch the cleats, don't you? It's not something that I've attuned myself to pay attention to quite yet. I am fucking, yeah. I really am. Around this time, yes.

Speaker: Before this now.

Speaker: I think it's because they just, I don't know, they start to look cool.

Speaker: I think it's the high top. The fact they start to come in high tops.

Speaker: Even to this day, I don't like, I don't know. I associate not high top shoes with not being cool.

Speaker: But that's probably my problem. It certainly is. Thank you. e Great crowd tonight.

Speaker: This is a Saturday night in in July, all right?

Speaker: July 25th to be exact.

Speaker: When it comes right down to it, what do you think it is that made them go away from this sort of shape?

Speaker: of, uh, stadium?

Speaker: Oh, I mean, probably for, holy cow, there's a line drive for you. Probably for no more than one reason, but I think the main function of this type of stadium is the fact that both football and baseball could be played in it.

Speaker: Sure. And then I think cities decided or teams or who the fuck ever, uh, You know, they didn't want that anymore. So they had to start, you know, making baseball only stadiums and.

Speaker: They made them smaller. Because they probably weren't going to, you know, hold as much as a football game would.

Speaker: I mean, I don't know at this time, maybe not, but. Then you also get the whole fucking Camden Yards effect where everybody just wanted to follow that trend.

Speaker: Well, ah speaking of stadiums, you see my ah my Bears might end up in Northwest Indiana. Did you see this?

Speaker: Did you see this news? No, I didn't. Legitimate news here. ah the The Bears have been fighting with the state of Illinois for almost five full years now over this site in Arlington Heights that they purchased, uh, the old racetrack out in Arlington Heights to build a new stadium.

Speaker: And Illinois is just not, uh, passing the bill to help them out with tax breaks and state funds and things of that nature. Uh, and as a result to sort of leverage their abilities, they, they went to the city of Gary and, uh,

Speaker: oh Gary pitched them on some things. The state of Indiana has offered them ah just a massive amount of money and state funds to help build the place. And so it seems ah Paul Tagliabue actually came out to Gary to to to look at the site and and give his blessing. And so the Bears have given the state of Illinois until the end of February to say, ah either say yes or know essentially to to keeping them or they're going to end up in Gary, Indiana.

Speaker: How far away from Chicago is that? 25 miles.

Speaker: That's so fucking stupid.

Speaker: It's like nobody should support this. These people should all fuck off. This shows that they're all unqualified to do what they're doing. What do you mean?

Speaker: they Their fucking job should be to figure out a way to keep it in Chicago.

Speaker: Not just... But they tre they've been trying for five years. Yeah, know they could have no, that's great. Maybe they're fucking there's something wrong with them, maybe. Look, any goddamn piss-brain idiot can just go wherever the fucking most money is.

Speaker: That's really easy. All you have to do is know what the biggest fucking number is. Mm-hmm. How goddamn hard can that be? oh I think we're going to go to Gary, Indiana.

Speaker: Well, okay. Yeah, it's the biggest number. That's what you guys always do.

Speaker: Why do we even need you? Well,

Speaker: well tell me why. Tell me. Explain to me why it's a problem.

Speaker: Because it's not Chicago. They're not the Chicago Bears. Change the fucking name then. Fine. You don't get the... The Giants and the Jets both play in New Jersey.

Speaker: Yeah, that's fucking stupid.

Speaker: What's your point?

Speaker: It's dumb.

Speaker: they're They're the Gary Bears now. Or the Indiana Bears. Whatever. The Barry Gears. That's fine. Move it to Gary. But guess what? You need to change your fucking logo.

Speaker: There you go Why do they got to change the logo? Well, they don't want to do that. There's too much goddamn money tied up in that fucking logo. We can't do that. No, they want their cake and they want to fucking eat it too.

Speaker: These are disgusting people. they show around dusting it's just It's just sports. nuts it's No, it's not. It's late stage capitalism. It's just finding goddamn every penny in every corner, the fucking bullshit crevice that they can get away with. And we allow it like fucking morons.

Speaker: Big pop fly from Dorset there. All those cocksucking idiots will drive their stupid asses to Gary, Indiana to watch those fucking losers instead of just, you know, do something else.

Speaker: That's the other thing. See, that you can just take the South Shore, the Chicago South Shore train. from gary to to From Chicago to Gary and you're there in 20 minutes? All I've heard my whole fucking life is that Gary, Indiana is a shithole. A fucking giant shithole.

Speaker: Blake, that doesn't even start to scratch the surface and you get of what a dump Gary, Indiana is. My parents grew up there. um and there's a there's a rich history here we can get into it down the road i can walk you through exactly what happened that turned gary into a shithole at first gary is a steel town right the steel mills moved into gary and it became a boom town like gary didn't exist until the steel mills got there in the uh 20s great um right just right post depression and uh

Speaker: Pre-by depression. It popped out in nowhere tons of And then, you know, eventually things got very, very bad and continued to get bad and got worse and worse and worse. And they have not recovered. It is it is Detroit twenty five years ago which was a goddamn fucking mess then. But the problem is it's been Detroit 25 years ago for 40 years.

Speaker: The goddamn Pistons were in the finals 25 years ago. What are you talking about, pal? ah Ed Wallace, Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton. Hal Morris. Tayshaun Prince. Hugh Morris.

Speaker: Dick Morris. Metta World Peace. ah Kid's got a weird head. Hey, we're out to Atlanta.

Speaker: That is Ryan Klesko going deep.

Speaker: Pendleton, my goodness. TP. Took it up to the top top top level there. Braves up 3-0 in Atlanta.

Speaker: Oh, we got the Cubs and the Pirates out at Riverfront. Denny Nagel.

Speaker: No, three rivers, not Riverfront. That's what I meant. Yes, thank you. Uh-oh. What happened here? Kevin Bass struck out, fell on his ass.

Speaker: Bass on the ass. Hey, that's great shit. No, he didn't strike out yet. He just took a hard swing and fell down. See? Look at you, passing on bad information to me again.

Speaker: Making me look like a fool out in public. Why don't you just fucking watch? It was in a little screen. I couldn't it. I don't have two fucking monitors, okay? point so Two 32-inch monitors, as a matter of fact. Jesus.

Speaker: Look at that. What a shock. gabe It's much less formal. yeah Yes. I'll call you Omicron because you just fucking consume. Consuming screens. and Two 32-inch.

Speaker: Real good. Get everything you need on one fucking screen, man. You gotta have two. Real fucking good, Blake. That was a Omicron. That was a good one.

Speaker: Oh, man. That's... with that there was a That's why the 31 of them that do tune in, tune in. Yeah, true.

Speaker: With frozen goodness and green penis.

Speaker: Because you know Orson Welles, right?

Speaker: I do understand the Orson Welles.

Speaker: I know two things of Orson Welles. War of the Worlds. Or no, he did the Rosebud too, right? ah Three things. And then the goddamn bit from the critic where he does the fucking green penis. That is my extent of Orson Welles.

Speaker: And my favorite part is the green penis. I appreciate the War the Worlds thing. I think that's hilarious. Baseball Night in America brought to you by Bud Light Beer. Buick, the new symbol for quality in America. And the Little Rascals. Oh, fuck me. From Universal Pictures. Jesus Christ, that's topical, right?

Speaker: I've got a dollar. I've got a dollar. I've got a dollar. Hey, hey, hey, hey. i had something pop up on my feed about the kid that played alfalfa. like Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Homeless or something or something. Vegan. I don't know. Something's going on with him. He's doing some disaster.

Speaker: Homeless vegans running the streets. He might have killed somebody, too. I don't know. It's a wide range. I he's Latino. We should get ice on his ass.

Speaker: I'll put a note in Homan's Sandwich.

Speaker: You had some good spurts in the first half, Blake. It was true. I haven't had a good spurt in three years.

Speaker: Ah, you see, they throw back to the famous catch with the bear hand. Mm-hmm. I wonder, I bet you they'll show it. How about that?

Speaker: Look at that.

Speaker: My goodness, look at those hamstrings.

Speaker: Oh, hey, Blake. How are you? Is this your new co-host?

Speaker: Yeah. yeah i haven't I haven't seen Gabe in about a week. I don't know if ah if he's just been gone or ah if ah if Bob kicked him out of the house or what, but I haven't seen him for a while. there's just I don't know if she's dating somebody new or what, but she still goes to bed at 8 o'clock every night.

Speaker: You haven't noticed the the guy without the facial hair just hanging around? Oh, yeah, I have, of course. But, you know, ah we haven't really gotten acquainted quite yet. Yeah. he yeah You guys haven't masturbated each other yet?

Speaker: I think I got it. I got a surprise for you. Oh, there it is. One hand to catch. Hey, Rick, guess what? What is it? It's Gabe. Gabe.

Speaker: The hairless man. It's Gabe. Well, there's no hairless man here. There's a man without a beard. Yeah, that's what talking about. They are about the same build. You're right. i don't But I don't think that's him.

Speaker: No, no, no. no i you know You know what the difference is? If you touch his penis, you would know exactly that's a familiar feel. Well, hold on a second. Gabe?

Speaker: Gabe?

Speaker: Yeah, Rick, it's me.

Speaker: The boys are back in town. I haven't had it in me to to have a discussion or a session for the last week because I haven't felt like myself. So, you know, I haven't really talked to you much.

Speaker: Well, my goodness, I didn't think it was possible for somebody to look like a totally different person just shaving their beard off. you I mean, look, I think you're handsome. You're not Chad Ream handsome, but you're handsome. Sure, yeah. Rick's also beardless.

Speaker: that that That chin yours is awful weak, though. I got to tell you. you know i he's I bet you if you lost about 125 pounds, your your chin would actually look normal, you big fat ass.

Speaker: Good God. Thanks. thanks sir Thanks, Rick.

Speaker: Well, Dally's going to help you with that, right? The teeth will clack and They won't fit in his head. Think about it and do it or whatever.

Speaker: Listen.

Speaker: If you want to achieve something, you gotta feel it, bro. Okay? You do it. You see it. You be it.

Speaker: Feel the bang. I don't know why when I do this, I can't look in the camera, man.

Speaker: That was uncomfortable for me. i want you to know that. I could tell it's what made it good. It's what made it so good. um i'll think i It took everything I had not to to give Adam another little little cold shiver there, by the way. i almost hacked up my left lung after hacking up the right a little earlier.

Speaker: You know, we'll get to visit him. um He'll pop up in AEW. Uh-oh. well yeah, that's right. We got a highlight from ah next week's ballgame. Whenever the fuck it happens. Probably not next week.

Speaker: My goodness. White Sox are leading the Royals. Spoiler.

Speaker: I win one to nothing.

Speaker: Hey, that's a cackling Will Clark there.

Speaker: If you folks haven't watched that video that Blake uploaded to the Patreon, do a do yourselves that favor. Some fantastic journalistic efforts on on that piece. I enjoyed it very much.

Speaker: Why the fuck would I talk to you after what you did to John Rocker?

Speaker: Why would I talk to you after what you did to John Rocker? That's Will Clark. Line drive. Bloop shot. Hits the wall. Uh-oh.

Speaker: I remember somebody telling this story about Tony Gwynn telling him to shut the fuck up because he was fucking with some ball boy or something in the dugout who was clearly gay and calling him a fag.

Speaker: i vaguely recall this as well. It could be you having told this story before, but I vaguely recall it.

Speaker: I could possibly be making it up, but I don't think I am. i heard it somewhere. They could be making enough, though.

Speaker: I've not made anything up except for Imagintainment. And that's all legal. It's a hoot.

Speaker: Everything here is legal.

Speaker: Nothing's real.

Speaker: Got the heart of the order coming up here.

Speaker: Oh, oh that

Speaker: oh I got you. Yes. yes He's fine released. It's off off camera. It's fine. Sure. God. God.

Speaker: So hot.

Speaker: Wasn't like painful and sad. Just is hot.

Speaker: Jesus Christ.

Speaker: What you love is when you reach that point where you're your coming is pain. Expos have pulled back a run from the Braves there. Three to one in Atlanta.

Speaker: A resignation of some sort. Not just unbridled passion releasing. to un Unbridled enthusiasm. It's a conditional exercise that comes with strings attached.

Speaker: Pop out from Larkin and scores Brumfeld. little high step in there. Like he's Did take Deion's spot, I guess.

Speaker: Oh, yes. Our guy there just called it Little Ball when we all know it's called Whitey Ball. I think it's also really called Small Ball.

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: This dipshit's the Astros announcer, but it's goddamn, it's four to three, isn't it? Mm-hmm. So i don't I don't know that, I mean, 4-3 in the third, it's not exactly a pitcher's duel.

Speaker: So maybe shut the fuck up about a little ball.

Speaker: Kevin Mitchell, is that two two home runs in this game? Sure is. He is on the big dog business, as they say. Another upper-decker.

Speaker: Kevin Mitchell shitting all over Kevin Swinney. They were in the upper deck at Shea Stadium when Bruno fought Louis Tabisco. You remember that?

Speaker: They were hanging from the rafters. You mentioned that. you're big you're big are You're a big Bruno fan, right? I love Bruno, Gabe. He's my favorite. So you were rooting for Bruno in that match, not Larry?

Speaker: remember when he fought Stan Demand Stasiak.

Speaker: Stan's son had a very successful career. He's a chiropractor now.

Speaker: is he Was he fixing dogs or something?

Speaker: His name was Sean, and they called him Meat. Like Shawn Michaels? You are heartbreak!

Speaker: all tied up here. Four to four.

Speaker: Thank you, Kevin. Kevin letting Cole letting cole Swindell know to suck it. See, the key with the Kevin suck it is you have to make sure the arms are nowhere close to even.

Speaker: Like one's like 75% and the other is 25% because you're...

Speaker: you're You just don't operate in space and time. And they're, they're, they're completely, they're also completely stiff. Like, uh, how Sophia Loren walks.

Speaker: And make sure you have clumps of deodorant in your armpit hair. Perfect. Yep. I'll never forget that either. God, that's gross. So disgusting. I can smell it.

Speaker: That's a feeler and Raquel Welch. Sorry. The fuck? Look, see off the average 290. It's wild.

Speaker: Kevin Mitchell's got a very misshapen odd shaped head. Probably from all the said

Speaker: That's true. What size hat do you wear?

Speaker: Eight. hey Jesus. I didn't even know they made those. you I've never known anybody that didn't wear a hat that started with a seven.

Speaker: I bet your head's bigger than Barry Bonds was in like 2002. two thousand and two Could be. could we you I'm certain they're similar. Let's see. His head did balloon up quite a bit.

Speaker: Look at that 1991 Barry Bonds card and then look at his head in 2000, 2001. At

Speaker: least 25, 30% bigger.

Speaker: Oh, Jesus. Your head's bigger than his. His original size, though. according for According to testimony from the Giants equipment manager during Bond's perjury trial.

Speaker: Jesus Christ. I can't believe we actually had... This is the best part. is that We're talking about this and then there's like some sort of court record about this. Go ahead. Yeah, this is the age we live in.

Speaker: So, his original hat size was 7 1⁄4. And a quarter o and it grew his to seven and three eighths

Speaker: in his thirty s

Speaker: Other reports claim it grew even more dramatically from 7th and 8th to seven and a half.

Speaker: Bonds himself disputes these claims.

Speaker: Hal Morris is a tall drink of water, huh? My goodness.

Speaker: believe he was a Yankee prospect. The brother Hugh became professional wrestler. don't know if you knew that. The Morris boys.

Speaker: believe their dad was Phillip.

Speaker: Phillip, yep. Phillip Morris. Hal and Hugh Morris. We used to team them up with the Reynolds boys.

Speaker: Ryan and Joshua. You understand. You understand.

Speaker: really is all about the understanding in it i i find that it all there is it's all that isn't fleeting anyway hey look at that hell morris right into the gap that's that's it that's oh ground rule double let's go rule double yeah stop at third that was that was uh vintage hal morris there gabe

Speaker: The ground rule double or the hit in the gap? The double to the gap, yeah. Yeah. Hal was a member of that 1990 World Championship team. oh

Speaker: And Swindell has pitched his last pitch in this game. See you later. That's a corn-fed farm boy, that Swindell character. I'll tell you that right now. Brian Williams coming in.

Speaker: Gonna adjust his dick first? Certainly, as you do. That's right, Blake. You gotta get your cock adjusted. I

Speaker: i used to have to do it in the back, though, because I'd have to pull my pants down because my penis and my butthole are inverted.

Speaker: Wait now. Okay. Okay.

Speaker: No, fuck off. Don't pick up on that.

Speaker: It's fine. You know what I mean? The question that I have is when you say they're inverted, that makes me believe. I meant they're flip used the wrong word. I do that from time to time. Hey, you look kind of fatter.

Speaker: Don't worry about me.

Speaker: that

Speaker: I hope somebody's keeping track of how many of these assholes have called me a fat ass at this point in the last two or three weeks. I really hope so. Oh, I think they'll all get there. Yeah, I surely will.

Speaker: Fuck.

Speaker: I'll never call you Fat Gabe.

Speaker: Unless I call you my favorite fat boy. yeah yes.

Speaker: As for Donnie. Play the hits for the fans, okay? that is the Donnie's... are yeah That motherfucker's still holding at the Hall of Fame level, okay?

Speaker: I'll call you a fat boy at Paul Bearer's voice every week if I have to.

Speaker: I think he froze. Did we freeze, Gabe? gave you for Yeah, you froze. I've um they been alive. I've been waiting for you to come back. it's just been It was just a couple seconds, and I bet you it recorded everything. It just didn't show up on your side.

Speaker: That's fine. It's wonderful. happened in the past. It'll happen again.

Speaker: yes.

Speaker: who's Who's that next to Kevin Mitchell in the dugout? Smooth Barry Larkin. Ah, okay. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because earlier I thought he looked like somebody else, and I forgot, and I didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to sound like a racist.

Speaker: Not to be confused with the man on the street, Barry Lankin. this sex or weightlifting, okay? Now, come here. Well done. that's That's deep down in the bag of tricks. Fantastic. Hey, hey Kevin, I'm going to read a little something here. ah i was reading about you the other day.

Speaker: oh oh hang on, Gabe. I'm going to put my my best of Bruno San Martino on pause then. Mm-hmm. he's He's wrestling Ox Baker right now. lo did Did Ox get the heart punch in or no?

Speaker: No spoilers, please. Okay, got it. All right. ah Headline. real food. loss thank Great. Fantastic tattoo.

Speaker: Gabe, do you know the importance of the real food? but an The real food. and Because the foreskin needs to be real. The worm penis. Cincinnati takes the lead here.

Speaker: Don't want the gummy worms. you need the worm. Well done, Brett Boone. My goodness.

Speaker: I was on Jeffrey Epstein's jet twice.

Speaker: Oh, is that blue shit that you ingest? Is that real food? He's gone. he just wanted to come say that. All right. No. What are you going to He's been popping up all over the place, just telling people how many times he's on Epstein's jet without them even fucking asking. Asking. Yeah.

Speaker: December 1991. Giants Kevin Mitchell is charged with rape. Baseball outfielder arrested at his in Chula Vista and released after posting $61,000 bail. Dateline Chula Vista, San Francisco Giant outfielder Kevin Mitchell was arrested Saturday for allegedly raping a female acquaintance.

Speaker: Mitchell, a 29-year-old Chula Vista resident, was arrested at his home in Chula Vista on charges of forcible rape, rape with a foreign object. false imprisonment and battery.

Speaker: The victim was an acquaintance of Mitchell and went to his house to talk to him after being invited over shortly before 4 a.m. on Saturday. The victim alleges that Mitchell dragged her into his bedroom where he forcibly raped her.

Speaker: The woman then went home, reported the incident to Chula Vista police around 6 a.m. Mitchell was arrested at his home at 3.45 p.m. without incident. Mitchell was booked into the county central detention facility, released at 10.10 p.m. after posting $61,000 bail.

Speaker: Giants president, general manager Al Rosen on Sunday declined comment. I haven't talked to Kevin Orr's agent, Rosen said. Two years ago, Mitchell's girlfriend filed a civil suit against him, accusing him of beating her at their Foster City, California home and threatening her with a gun.

Speaker: In a settlement of the suit, Mitchell was required to attend 24 counseling sessions, which he completed earlier this year. In September, a house guest of Mitchell's, Kyle Patrick Winters, was arrested in connection with the 1988 slaying of a San Diego police officer who was chasing gang members.

Speaker: Winters, 27, was arrested at Candlestick Park in San Francisco while he was picking up a ticket left for him by Mitchell. Winters had been staying at Mitchell's Foster City home and was driving Mitchell's car, police said. Murder charges had been filed against Winters and five other alleged gang members.

Speaker: in connection with the slaying of San Diego police officer Jerry Hartless. Mitchell was traded to the Padres from the Mets in 86 and a year later went to San Francisco. In 89, he was National League MVP when he held led the league with 47 home runs, 125 runs batted in After that season, Mitchell signed a four-year, $15 million dollars contract with the Giants. Players in the Giants clubhouse frequently have complained about his preferential treatment, and San Francisco's front office was trying to trade him in this offseason for a starting pitcher. This is from a Times staff writer Bob Nightingale. ah So, Kevin, I guess my my question for you is, ah what happened?

Speaker: Oh, T. Gabe, that's just ah it was a case of mistaken identity. it was it wasn't me. It was actually Iron Mike Tyson that did the rape.

Speaker: I was on a date with Robin Givens that night, Gabe.

Speaker: She took me to Howard Hessman's. Oh, good. Yeah. Yeah, I know Howard Hessman well. he He worked at the same radio station as my papa.

Speaker: Yeah, Robin wore it like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs.

Speaker: That's right. That's right. Sick it down, bitch. We got Howard Hessman, Robin Givens, and Kevin Mitchell fucking on the whole ballgame.

Speaker: yeah the sauce i mean It says here, Kevin, I got to keep going here because says here, after being released from Major League Baseball for the last time, you were arrested in 1999 for assaulting your father during an al ah an argument.

Speaker: See, Gabe, did you not learn anything from my story? That's what happens when you just keep going. You get in trouble. So now maybe I'm going to have to eat your fucking face and fucking kill you.

Speaker: It looks like your face, though, is a little less appeasing than it was last time because it's it looks fatter.

Speaker: In the independent leagues, as a manager of the Sonoma County Crushers, he was suspended for nine games after punching the opposing team's owner in the mouth during a brawl. I mean, where else are going to punch him? Yeah.

Speaker: ah In 2010, Mitchell was arrested for alleged misdemeanor battery at the Bonita Golf Club. He was ordered to perform community service and attend anger management classes.

Speaker: Look, it was tough coming up with Cush D'Amato, you know? it It was hard on the streets of San Diego. That makes a lot of sense. Pirates up 3-1 in Chicago tonight.

Speaker: Tony Gwynn wasn't there yet. Braves three, Expos one in the bottom of the fifth. Phillies and Marlins just underway. Phillies up 1-0.

Speaker: Line drive by Finley and nice catch by Sanders. I always love Reggie Sanders, man. I loved it when was on the Cardinals.

Speaker: Yeah, nothing to dislike about him, really. it's a He's an archetype. He is. Yeah. He's that like young. I mean, they get old, but everybody does. But the younger, like athletic five tool ish, um, young African-American player. I got the high tops looks fucking cool.

Speaker: Yes. The high tops once again, uh, i have I saw Reggie Sanders hit an unofficial Grand Slam for the trivia books out there. Unofficial Grand Slam? Was it and was there an error involved?

Speaker: No, it was a ah game that did not officially happen. um My wife and I, well, at the time... Speaking of Sanders. Yeah, Dion. He's he's fresh over from ah Atlanta, traded for Roberto Kelly.

Speaker: He's a hot dog. But um at the time, my girlfriend, but we went to, it would have been 2000.

Speaker: It's either 2006 or seven. I'm pretty sure it's six, maybe. don't know. One of the but it was the Royals against the athletics. And um I remember Esteban Loaiza was pitching for the A's and,

Speaker: The Royals that year, i mean, they were bad many, many, many, many years in this time period, but they made a ah really concerted effort to go out and and sign up all the quote-unquote veteran gamer scrappy players. like They got fucking Mark Grudzelonic and Joe Mays and Matt Stairs and yeah you know even Reggie at that time.

Speaker: But anyway... Yeah, and the the skies opened up, the rains came. it it was like an ass whooping too, and the game did not officially happen.

Speaker: So the Grand Salami was wiped out. ah Oh, okay. It was exciting. Shit, man, we were down. like I think, that God, the fucking first base dugout box seats were like 20 bucks.

Speaker: That's crazy.

Speaker: What a catch. My goodness. yep you could You could get seats in the upper level for like $5. That was 20 years ago. and just ah i think $1 less than I saw the Cardinals advertising seats for the other day.

Speaker: Yeah, no, they're doing really well. They fucked themselves out of, I believe, $40 in their TV deal by leaving whatever the fuck. I think I read they went from $60 to $20 million.

Speaker: Look at this. What's that one bitch's name? it's it's ah Well, it was I forget her name, but that's... Did you say tits? You can't say tits about her. billy Billionaire Ted's a legacy there, the Goodwill Games, being advertised on ABC.

Speaker: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was consumed by the gymnast tits. Is that Carrie Strug? i don't think so. No, this is 94. that Oxana Bayou? No.

Speaker: no No, that was a, that was a, she was a figure skater. Maybe that was a figure skater though. I don't know. Whatever. I don't know. Find somebody that was 18. So the tip thing didn't become a problem.

Speaker: Popped right through the infield there.

Speaker: First base coach, Joel Youngblood. Hey, there's bags. Hey, he's hairless too. Look at that. That's weird.

Speaker: my younger days, say yeah

Speaker: uh-oh, it's Kevin Mitchell. He's for bad. Yeah, two home runs. Hopefully a woman won't be beaten in Cincinnati or outside Lexington.

Speaker: Well, it it depends. If he hits another home run, he'll be he'll be he'll be looking for a fight, I'm sure. actually went down, I stayed a night at Brian Pillman's this night, and we watched Bruno San Martino matches all night long, Gabe.

Speaker: And then Melody wore like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs. Wore you? i said, wore us. That's what I mean. Yeah. Me and me and flying.

Speaker: What did they do? What did she do with her fingers to wear you like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs? No. Where did she put her fingers? She was she was the cuff and my penis was in her backside. And then Brian's penis was in her mouth.

Speaker: You see, we're the fingers. penis Your penises are the fingers. Penis fingers. Like Edward Penis Hands. yeah got it no that mean It's making a lot more sense now. Do you have that one on your zip drive?

Speaker: Nope. just ah Just the fake nudes of Nicky Cox. I gotta tell you something. I was thinking about your porno thing earlier today.

Speaker: I'm glad. I'm glad you were thinking about my porno thing earlier today. You would have been so much better off if you just got caught jacking off at the computer. The the zip drive makes it like espionage.

Speaker: It's like an international incident almost. Hey, write that down. It's... it it's just It shows premeditation. Well, no, let me tell you something, man. like there's That's probably only a third of it. there's There's very few people who know me well enough to understand, but there's there's there's a level of like, I look back on the shit that I was trying to pull off as a kid and like as a preteen and shit like that. like

Speaker: that like for being sneaky and shit for no reason, like that makes, deviance or deviance sake makes a, makes ah a good, a good percentage of my life. Make a lot more sense in, in context, you know, like just like too clever by half, look as like you're trying, trying to get away with shit and permission or forgiveness instead of permission. And,

Speaker: All of that shit. That's why I'm trying to raise my daughter the exact opposite way. Because it it causes some problems. You just had to challenge yourself because no one else could because I wasn't there.

Speaker: I was searching for opportunity. And you yeah had you been there, I would have had opportunity. But you weren't there yet. so It's up to you to reach up and grab that brass ring. Correct. real You're absolutely right.

Speaker: and i grabbed rings I grabbed rings. None of them were brass. What does that mean? I have no idea. Those were donuts and you were putting them in your fat fucking mouth.

Speaker: He's got a bag of donuts. yeah Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. No No way. no wow. Right at that warning track to the deepest part of the park. 404. Oh, boy. Yeah. he Just ah hundred feet to the left and it was another home run.

Speaker: You know, like dudes like that that, you get the feeling more often than not. Like, it's like if they really want to fucking do something, they almost always can.

Speaker: Like, just the way he, this game, I mean, even you look at his career and shit. And then, I mean, you know, obviously the stuff you read kind of. Hey, hey, hey, hold on a second.

Speaker: I'm on the bat now. let's Let's watch me hit. Sorry, forgot. You know what batting this year, Blake? You know what I'm batting? I think you're batting third. 364. Yeah. You know, fucking mook. yeah you know fucking mooc I don't even know what that means.

Speaker: I don't either. What's a mook? I don't know. You. You're a mook. All right.

Speaker: You know who's not a mook? I don't like your face, Jeff. You know who's not a mook? Mookie Wilson. Tony Robbins. That's who. Are you sure about that?

Speaker: Hey, look, bitch. That's not necessary.

Speaker: You're not necessary, and neither was your mother.

Speaker: Well, she's necessary for me to exist. Say hi to her for me, if you would, please. Say hi to your mother for me. I'll do that. Mama ballgame has been nothing but a pleasure for me.

Speaker: What I'm saying is I fucked your mother. Jeff Bagwell, fuck your mother. That's, well, somebody has to, I guess. Prefer it's not you but we got the Braves in the Expos. Oh, safe at the plate. Braves are up for four to one one in the sixth on baseball night in America.

Speaker: Here it's ah six for Reds.

Speaker: It is something, Bren, on Monday night. You know what else happened this Monday night?

Speaker: That's a double play.

Speaker: Ken Caminiti hits into a double play here. Two outs.

Speaker: What happened this Monday night?

Speaker: Tatanka pinned Nikolai Volkov on Monday Night Raw.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: It was a $10,000 challenge match, by the way. du boom boomm tong don di du tu chng to It was also the debut of the Road Dog, Jesse James, or the Roadie, as he was known at the time. The Roadie, yeah. Yeah, wow.

Speaker: Helped Jeff Jarrett to count out win over ah the British Bulldog.

Speaker: What an incredible debut. we got Kevin Bass in now.

Speaker: Also on July 25th, Jordan and Israel end a 46-year state of war.

Speaker: how many points did Jordan have? 48. And the number one song was I Swear by All for One.

Speaker: Yeah, we've been, we've, but we covered that a couple of times. We've, we've been right here in this same time period for, for many, many months, July of 1994. Yeah. They're there. We'll be there again. I told, did I tell the story of, uh, yeah, I did. I told the story about recording that song at Six Flags Great America and their little recording studio, right? Yep. You sure did.

Speaker: Me and Danny McKeown.

Speaker: The boys are back in town indeed.

Speaker: Guy lives on a boat now. He just sails a boat around. I don't know how he got so much money or if he just cashed everything in and just decided he was he was done. But yeah, that dude just lives on a boat.

Speaker: Sounds awful. I'd hate that. Oh, I mean, you know, if it's what you like, congratulations. I'm glad you get the chance to do it. But Christ almighty.

Speaker: Sounds like a great way to die. I'd rather make myself sick with food, not fucking waves. Yeah, of course. No. Yeah.

Speaker: We head to the bottom of the fifth. in water come Six four Cincinnati. These fucking assholes have massive glasses. Yeah. Brent Musburger looks like ah one of those fucking ventriloquist dummies.

Speaker: Like chip block.

Speaker: Mr. Peepers from Seinfeld.

Speaker: You got a mustache like Dan Barnes. Sure does. Not anymore, though. Now he's just got a ah yellow teeth from a guy who's been smoking two packs a day for 35 years.

Speaker: I wasn't a good boy, Gabe.

Speaker: Tell me about the marijuana cigarettes. I smoked a marijuana cigarette on my first day Tight inside to Reggie Sanders for a ball.

Speaker: What's going on, John Saunders? Got an update in fucking Atlanta again.

Speaker: Wilfredo Cordero.

Speaker: Look at for three Expos. Things are tightening up in the launching pad. Uh-oh, Jose. Jose.

Speaker: Look at that cracked packed house at the beautiful ballpark in Arlington. They jumped onto the grass there to get that that home run ball from Jose Canseco in his Rangers uniform. Never felt quite right to me.

Speaker: I think it's goddamn absurd that they left that stadium as early as they did.

Speaker: They're already in that fucking dome. Like. They were only and in that place. They were only there for like 20 fucking years. 25, I guess, whatever. But, you know, that goddamn new stadium seems like a soulless pit.

Speaker: The only new stadium that I've been in that I really enjoyed being in was Citi Field. liked Citi Field quite a bit. There's not a bad sight line in the place.

Speaker: looks pretty nice. There aren't 35 decks like we experienced at the new Yankee Stadium when we were you're like 300,000 feet up in the sky in fucking w right field.

Speaker: um yeah On a day colder than I've ever experienced at a baseball stadium. Yeah, the height didn't help with that. No, not at all.

Speaker: It was cool to be there, though. was cool to be there for the short time we were actually fucking there. It wasn't even a full inning. just we went to we We went to Yankee Stadium.

Speaker: We had some fucking chicken fingers. We looked at baseballs, and then we we got back to the car. funmans It's too cold. It just wasn't going to happen. And then we got back to the hotel, and and we watched the replay of the subpathatt the main event of night one of WrestleMania, which was ah just a joke.

Speaker: And it continues. Oh, I'm not going to Vegas after all. No? No? Canceled the Airbnb, did you? Yep, I sure did. Sure i did. Randy Sanders down on strikes. just Strike three, yep.

Speaker: Getting a little bit of interference on the tape here. The upload from the tape. You that kind of the tracking is getting off a little bit.

Speaker: I don't believe we will. No, we won't be joining this baseball night in America.

Speaker: Absolutely no talk so far from either of these gentlemen about the strike or what's impending or what's happening.

Speaker: Yeah, they kind of seem like kind of dipshits that would just just assume. I'm sure most were like, we're not going to talk the strike, Durker. Don't bring it up. And he's like, okay, messy.

Speaker: this This game is about baseball. This isn't about drama. Unless it takes place on the diamond. Hugh Morris, a base hit. And then he looks at Durker and he goes, have you ever tasted your own pre-com?

Speaker: Durker says, wise. Let me ask you, Durker. Are you capable of multiple orgasms? ah No, I'm not talking about three times in one night. I'm talking same boner, different jizz.

Speaker: Boy, I tell you, when I was a young man, I had an epic night one Friday night on Cinemax and that in that vein. I think I popped five off.

Speaker: I was sore, but I wasn't going stop. Why would you? Absolutely not. I can't imagine having that passion for anything ever again. Like, there's no fucking way, man.

Speaker: Like... Here we go, hold on

Speaker: on. Like, I don't know if you could pay me to try to squeeze out five fucking nuts in this... I i think I could do it. But it would be awful.

Speaker: like And I think I would have to get paid.

Speaker: Jesus Christ, five? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Are we talking 24 hours or like in a day? No, this was just like Friday night.

Speaker: I think I stayed up till 4 or 5 a.m. and I was watching, I just fucking watched porn all night and just jacked off yeah the whole fucking time. Wouldn't see how long I could do it. What the hell else is there to do? It was about five hours.

Speaker: Perfect. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, there's no chance in high school, so, you know.

Speaker: The fucked up thing is that even at the time i had a goddamn girlfriend that wouldn't like I wasn't getting laid or anything. It reminds me of, there's this one time when my parents went out of town. um My parents would oftentimes go on these trips. like They would go...

Speaker: You know, I lived in Indiana. Oh, yeah. No, that's not even part of it. There's nothing better than your parents fucking leaving when you're in high school or from like fucking seventh grade on, man. Yeah, I think I was in seventh or eighth grade at this point.

Speaker: And my brother was MIA because he was already ah me playing minor league golf. Well on his journey. He's playing in Iowa with the Des Moines Cubs, Iowa Cubs.

Speaker: Yep. The South Bend Silverhawks. um I believe Sut came up with the Indians, if I'm correct. but Yeah, probably. He was in Altoona. Fantastic. Altoona, Pennsylvania. My goodness.

Speaker: um No better place for Rick Sutcliffe. um the The heroin capital of Pennsylvania, as a matter of fact. He made it that way. Yes, he did. It was all him. Sutcliffe has a legacy in Altoona.

Speaker: um So I was there by myself. So um they had my grandma come over. oh fuck. No, this yeah it gets so much worse. It gets so much worse. I think back on the things that I did that...

Speaker: like I think back on it and like how I, I never expected that she would ever have any idea what was happening. Absolutely knew everything. that There's no way.

Speaker: So anyway, um, she would be watching TV in the living room, which is at one, one end of the house. And there's only one other TV in the house and it's in my parents' bedroom. So I was like, well, can I watch TV in their room?

Speaker: She's fine with it, whatever. So I'd be in there and laying on the bed. And I go in the top drawer of my dad's dresser where they keep the tapes. Sure. Right.

Speaker: So I closed the door and the tape that I found, I'll never forget it. I don't remember the name of it, but I remember the storyline. Mm-hmm. Uh-oh.

Speaker: Oh, there we go. The storyline was that um ah the the the guy in charge of everything they like worked in a lab and if he put jalapeno juice in, in the drink that he was creating, the, the, the the formula that he was creating in the lab, it, it made any woman who drank it ah incredibly horny and then fucked him.

Speaker: Sure. Right. Yeah. As they do. I, Jesus Christ. I don't know if it was five times, but certainly wore out the tape. Was your grandma there? Yes.

Speaker: She was in the living room. ah And it's broad daylight. i mean it was Oh, God damn. Daytime? yeah it was like i Gosh, it was like afternoon. like Between 4 p.m. and 8 p.m.

Speaker: this was happening. Jesus Christ, you didn't eat? I don't think so. I don't remember, but I know it was... Have a fucking pastrami sub there. I do find it to be the most erotic of the salted cured meats. There you go.

Speaker: Anyway, ah sensual. The most sensual of the erotic meats. Yeah, you'll know the line better than I get like 60% of it, right? um But yeah, there's that. And then like at one point,

Speaker: Um, like I had bunk beds in my room and I was younger, probably like 10, maybe 12. And my grandma would come over and she would sleep in my room cause I had bunk beds. So I'd sleep in the top bunk. She'd sleep in the bottom bunk.

Speaker: And, uh,

Speaker: I stole $20 from her um from her purse. Right. But, ah I, on the on the way out of the the the wallet, I like, I didn't want to open it, so i like it was like sliding out, and it was one of those old ones that had that clip.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Corner of the 20 ripped, right? And it was on the floor of the bedroom, and I didn't notice it. m

Speaker: And the next day, She asked me if i asked me to see my wallet. or No, no, She asked me. She said, did you take $20 out of my wallet?

Speaker: And I said, no. and she asked me to see my wallet.

Speaker: And she took the $20 out. And she went, where did you get this? And i i I don't remember what I said, but I lied. Yeah. She said, really? Okay. She picks she she grabs the corner. and She said, let me see this.

Speaker: And she puts the corner up against it. And like, how do you think this might have happened?

Speaker: Yeah. Yep. And I finally admitted it. Uh-huh. My dad beat my ass. Uh-huh. Said, i'll take a yeah i'll take I'll take a piece of your ass for every quarter you stole.

Speaker: That'd be 80 quarters, right? Uh-huh. So you had 80 pieces of your ass? Uh-huh. And you whipped my ass with belt. Yep.

Speaker: How old were you? I'd like to say I never stole again, Blake. Yeah, well, say whatever you want. your show.

Speaker: Well, I guess we got our answer for does corporal punishment work? Mm-hmm.

Speaker: I got spanked at school a couple times, but.

Speaker: I never got paddled at school. there was ah the The principals had a paddle and I heard tell of kids getting paddled, but I never really acted up at school. i

Speaker: There's this fucking shit kid. This little dirty ass fuck named Mikey Grissom. Sounds like a dirty ass fuck. Yeah. Mikey. Just some kid with shitty parents, but you know, at the time, of course. Yeah. Well, Mikey was just running his fucking mouth and wouldn't shut the fuck up. And i think I remember what exactly he was saying, but he was talking shit. And I'm like, like, shut the fuck up, Mikey. And so I took the ketchup and this was at lunch. i took the ketchup and the mustard And I took his sack lunch and I squirted them inside of it and ruined his entire fucking lunch.

Speaker: And I got spanked for that. And then I had the principal tell me about how I needed to think about how he was fucking poor and now he wouldn't eat.

Speaker: He didn't say that in those words, but you know, I'm like, yeah, well, he maybe shouldn't have been dick.

Speaker: Which is what I said. I mean, tell him, like well, he deserved it.

Speaker: Mikey was fucking with me, so I fucked with Mikey. I can still see his bug fucking eyes, man.

Speaker: Big ass fucking eyeballs on this stupid ass little kid.

Speaker: Looking like a goddamn cartoon character from Peanuts.

Speaker: Cedeno strikes out. That's a 1-2-3 inning for the Reds. We head to the bottom of the sixth. The score, Cincinnati. Just like the division race, Gene, a tight one here.

Speaker: Dana Smiley in the stands there, you see. Nice tan. and first bas like my Looks like my third grade teacher, Sharon Schilt. That's the wife's section because I see some ass over there. 1994 ass, too.

Speaker: I'm talking fat bushes, fat lips,

Speaker: fat asses. Uh-oh, spoiler alert. That's where we go next week. Next game.

Speaker: Looks like we got another good one in store.

Speaker: Moises. Uh-oh.

Speaker: That's a tie ball game. i think they take the lead here. They sure do Look at this. 5-4 Expos. This is a Monday night around baseball, Gabe. My goodness. In July. Okay? Fuck.

Speaker: We haven't even got to the dog days of summer. This is the excitement. And... Well, we're not going to get to the dog days of summer. Nope.

Speaker: August 12th, as I recall. I cannot. I can't fathom what the goddamn fuck would have happened and what these playoffs sort of look like.

Speaker: I just, you know, it's ah it' so we talked about it earlier. I it's. a

Speaker: it it The mind boggles at the potential of what we missed. That's what we need to get AI on. Yeah, no shit. No shit. Take everything about the 94 season and recreate, make the fucking end.

Speaker: What would it, ah what would happened? And fucking sell that to me.

Speaker: One day at a time.

Speaker: that It looked like goddamn shitty NES baseball on the fucking Nintendo 1987 because you wouldn't have any of the fucking licensing and all that bullshit. Because, you know, those whores.

Speaker: but

Speaker: I hear slapping. Gabe's on it. Correct.

Speaker: by on I mean, he's jacking off. Step one, projecting final records. Using simple win percentage extrapolation. The Expos with record of 105 and 57. Wow. The Yankees with record of 162.

Speaker: wow yankees the record of a hundred and sixty two White Sox, ninety six and sixty six Astros, 93-69. Dodgers, 82-80. And Rangers, 75-87. And division champs, as we talked about earlier. yeah ah That's the AL West, correct?

Speaker: Yeah, nobody was over 500. Right. AL West wasn't much better, as you hear the Dodgers, two games. The wild cards here, Indians with 95 wins and the Braves with 90 wins.

Speaker: yeah this would This is the first year of the wild cards. It would have been the very first one, yep. Correct. and simulated nineteen Simulated 1994 postseason. The AL Divisional Series.

Speaker: ah ChatGPT says Yankees over Rangers and not close. ah And the Indians over the White Sox. ah Young Manny and Albert Bell Chaos is what it what it says there in a short version. I'm pretty sure Yankees over Rangers is what happens in 95.

Speaker: believe ALCS says Yankees in seven. This would have been the official birth of the mid nineties Cleveland machine a year early, but I still think the Yankees pitching key, our friend, Jimmy key, i be to home David Cone and Andy Pettit emerging edges it.

Speaker: So Yankees in the AL in seven, the national league, ah Expos over Dodgers, Braves over Astros.

Speaker: Oh, look at that. Expos versus Braves, the series we were robbed of, according to Chad GPD. That's the one. Pedro Martinez, Ken Hill, John Wetland, Larry Walker versus Maddox, Glavin, and Smoltz.

Speaker: 90s peak pitching aristocracy. And here's my take. Montreal's offense is better top to bottom. They had momentum all year. Braves had experience. I'm saying it, Expos and Six.

Speaker: Yes, the Expos go to the World Series. 1994 World Series Expos versus Yankees. It's poetic. That's it. Montreal's baseball's future that never was. Yankees baseball's dynasty about to awaken in this timeline.

Speaker: Pedro throws a game one masterpiece. Walker hits two bombs in game three at Olympic Stadium. Jeter isn't Jeter yet. And I think the Expos depth and chemistry carry them.

Speaker: I have goosebumps. Yes. Yes. This is it. 1994 World Series champion at Montreal Expos in six.

Speaker: Would have saved the franchise. 105-win miracle team. First title since... Wow. My goodness. Franchise trajectory changes forever. No fire sale, no Washington Nationals baseball history bends.

Speaker: Bonus, individual milestones. Tony Gwynn finishes ah around 395. He was at 394 when plays stopped. Matt Williams likely finishes with 60 home runs. Ken Griffey probably lands around 55, and Frank Thomas wins the MVP comfortably.

Speaker: And ChatGPT knows me, apparently. It ends this with, Gabe, if you and Blake ever want to do a 1994 that should have been episode, ah this is your cold open. Want me to run a more advanced simulation using run differential and Pythagorean prid projections instead of pure win percentage?

Speaker: Why, yes, I do. Yeah, that's fine. Sure. don't even know what the fuck that means. Would you like me to tell you the name of that porn you watched and cranked your shaft to while grandma was in the living room?

Speaker: ah i'm going I'm going to ask it that next. I'm going to give it ah the the the the plot and see if it knows. We're in hell. it knows. I bet it knows. I bet it does, too.

Speaker: It'll figure it out.

Speaker: Although, i don't... I mean... In fairness, that could be more than one porn with that plot line. so Fair point. But I'm sure with your stick-to-itiveness and descriptive abilities, you'll nail it down.

Speaker: stick-to-itiveness, it really comes in handy when I'm trying to find the name of pornography from the late 80s and early ninety s

Speaker: You see what happened there is ah is's our our our announcing pal, ah Brent, mistook one skinny black man for another.

Speaker: That'll happen. Yes, it will. Yes, it will. He could be a policeman.

Speaker: I'm back to believe.

Speaker: Where the big boss man says you've crossed the line. Cardinals are getting spanked 7-0 by the Mets. Rico Barone, y'all.

Speaker: Jose Canseco with his 27th homer on the season.

Speaker: Gabe's stroking his chin. as it's still It's still, and it's showing me the process. For simulations, I'll focus on 50,000 iterations and output improbabilities.

Speaker: Simulating playoff outcomes. Okay, time to dive into Monte Carlo simulations. I'll run simulations of the model outcomes. This should give us a solid estimate of the, you know how much water we're wasting?

Speaker: i don't. I don't understand how water factors into any of this. I think it's to cool like to cool the data centers, I think, is what it come where that comes from.

Speaker: Gotcha. But this is important work. so Can't they just recycle the same fucking water over and over?

Speaker: Thank you just so like they can hire They can hire Livingston to just s spit in a bucket.

Speaker: I guess that works too. that's okay Steve Finley in now. 0 for 3 on the night. Problematic goatee. Problematic nose.

Speaker: Looks like that man could draw blood with that fucking thing. The mustache and the chin thing don't touch, it looks like. Yeah, there's a little little gap right there. That's what I'm talking about. like that ain't That ain't cool, man.

Speaker: That's some Paducah bullshit right there. Him and fucking Ricochet with his pinky up his asshole.

Speaker: I heard that's the only way he could come. Yeah, that tracks for me.

Speaker: here's the Here's the rub, though. It's got to be the the the pinky finger of a man. it is. That's taking a shit. Nah, Damien Darlin told me he's got to put his finger in his butt while he jerks off.

Speaker: Oh, that's head to the dick there. What we call a biggio in the big leagues.

Speaker: Is that real, that Damien guy told you that? He said it on Twitter, I think. I'm pretty sure that's where I saw it. It's not like he called me. That's the guy that was fucking sunny, right? I think so.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I'm not sure if she farted on him or not. I'm sure she did.

Speaker: It's the end of the game here for Smiley, it appears. Mrs. Smiley. i bet I bet she looks like shit today. Fat as fuck. Not as fat you, but... Close. Okay.

Speaker: It's one thing if the characters call me fat.

Speaker: Is that... Oh, baby! I just... Come on, you know, fuck. Fuck.

Speaker: Hey, do you remember the basketball player, Fat Lever? Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker: I think his real name was LeVar. Cool.

Speaker: Hector Carrasco in and out of pitch.

Speaker: Bagwell took a big swing there and almost falls on his ass. It's good.

Speaker: that Is that Dave Berber? I think that's Dave Berber. That man's very happy. I don't know. I don't know who that is

Speaker: who that is. That was locked twice in the ballgame.

Speaker: Finley back to first.

Speaker: Hey, boy. Hey.

Speaker: Gabriel.

Speaker: What's wrong, little soldier? Nope. Talk to your papa. One, two outside bounces and Carrasco nearly gives up a base, but doesn't.

Speaker: Do I need to get Linda? Linda.

Speaker: More serious 1994 alt-season sim using run differential and a Monte Carlo postseason. Data snapshot is the actual standings of Thursday, August 11th, the last day played, including wins and losses, run scored, runs allowed from ah Major League Baseball's historical standings page.

Speaker: ah What I simulated, team strength. regression to the mean, meaning I blended that strength with a 50 game 500 prior, keeps hot and cold starts from dominating, finish the schedule for each team remaining games equals 162 minus games played on August 11th. And I simulated remaining wins as binomial draw using the regressed strength Okay. 1994 playoff format, three division winners, one wildcard per league, LDS best of five, World Series best of seven, as well as LCS. Wildcard avoids playing the top seed from its own division.

Speaker: Postseason series outcome simulated game by game using log five matchup odds and a small home field bump. I ran 60,000 seasons. How long does this shit go on?

Speaker: We're getting into the the meat of it now. Is there going to be anything that makes any fucking sense coming anytime soon here? Yeah. Yeah. No, we're into it. Okay. so Good. Great. I was just feeling like it you doing some background. Right. Projected regular season wins. 101.8 for Montreal. New York. for Chicago. for

Speaker: yeah sorry hundred and two it it gives the decimal mass right that way um right 95 for Atlanta, 93 for Cleveland, 93 for Cincinnati, 92 for Houston, 90 for Baltimore.

Speaker: Division and wildcard odds. Let's see here. um So division winners, AL East, the Yankees. AL Central, White Sox.

Speaker: AL West, Oakland.

Speaker: NL East, Montreal. NL Central, Cincinnati. And NL West, the Dodgers. Wild card. I don't think Oakland was winning. Hey, look at that. Dipshit struck out.

Speaker: Suck on that one, Tony Robbins. AL wild card, Cleveland. NL wild card, Atlanta. ah

Speaker: Most likely pennant winners. ah but ah New York Yankees 31%, White Sox Cleveland Baltimore 20%, et cetera.

Speaker: nl pennant montreal and a runaway ah atlanta twenty percent hold cincinnati twenty percent e etc ah World Series champion likelihoods, top 10.

Speaker: ah Montreal, Yankees, White Sox, Atlanta, Cincinnati, Cleveland in that order. Yeah,

Speaker: all right. Oh, there we go. I hit it like a bitch.

Speaker: Certainly wasn't a home run. Thank you for all but the honest all the numbers, Gabe. Honestly, um like I get it's all fun and games. We're just goofing around. And

Speaker: and I play along when it's the characters. But when you call me fat, it hurts. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I won't do that. You unemployed piece of shit. Yes, thank you. That's fine.

Speaker: See, unlike you, I'm not a giant pussy, and and my vagina is not wet. so

Speaker: myina is My vagina is always wet. I'm and always ready. Ask to my grandmother. And I got paid this week. Good man.

Speaker: And thorough. Look at that. Reggie Sanders. Way deep. all Almost to the wall.

Speaker: Oh, Dion's in for Kevin Mitchell. Is that right? don't know. We were in the middle of your, your lecturing. That's what it was. Yeah. He, uh, he came in for Kevin Mitchell at first.

Speaker: He's a pinch runner. That's what they call him. What do you think about, uh, his boy should do her? I don't think much about him. Yeah. Me neither. My dad.

Speaker: I don't know. Hugh Morrison now. He's 3-for-3 on the night. This man's man's batting.354 on the year, Blake.

Speaker: Hugh Morrison, unbelievable. he's a base No wonder no one to the wrestler named himself after him.

Speaker: Yeah, I think that's probably what happened. That's um Bill Eadie up there. Fuck his name is. Bill DeMuy.

Speaker: Here comes the Hugh. Here comes the Morris. Oh, he steals the bag on a pitch out. Sure does. He's got the goddamn hat on under his helmet.

Speaker: I hate that. I always have hated that. the ass it's a I shouldn't say the assholes. West Sideman and Justin Basilisco wore their hats under their helmets in Little League.

Speaker: They weren't assholes. They were just the hot dogs. You know what i mean? Billy Martin would have hated them. We did too, but you know, it's a head lice thing, I think. Not a... Like, he's got his own goddamn helmet.

Speaker: Why the fuck do you have your hat on? Right. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, a good point. They did it because, you know, they're the the baseball players, they liked it. it a Yeah, it was definitely a thing for a while. Look at this.

Speaker: they They're walking him. think said force play pitch to the right-handed battery. Oh, yeah. like Okay, fair enough.

Speaker: You got 800 fucking Pythagorean theorems, but you don't understand the fucking intentional walk. Hold on. want to make something very clear. I didn't ask ChatGPT to use the Pythagorean theorem.

Speaker: It decided and told me it was. i i I have never made the claim that I know anything about baseball. Quite the opposite, as a matter of fact. they've established Outside of that, I liked it a little bit, I guess.

Speaker: a I also like opening baseball cards. Yeah, I think that's more of a gambling thing. i don't know what you're talking about. Let's see what's on Vegas matt tonight.

Speaker: i yeah I finally won a bet. um So I i

Speaker: i bet $25 on the Super Bowl, right? And and gradually do that when you do that, I lost. But when you do that, it gives you the $25 back and a bonus bet. And for the next week, you can bet on whatever. You just get the $25 taken out of your winnings.

Speaker: So I think it was Monday of this week. Maybe it was Tuesday. think it was Monday, though. um

Speaker: ah I bet that $25 that Kansas, the underdog, would beat undefeated Arizona in college basketball. Oh, yes.

Speaker: Double steal. And I won, which is great. um So i I ended up winning. and after after yeah i had after everything came out, right? ah yeah And then i I played roulette on that app, on the MGM app, for oh about two hours, and I was up to $295. And then I lost it all.

Speaker: Yeah, yep. that That'll happen. ahha What a world. My God. Whoa, high and inside. Almost hits Boone in the chest there.

Speaker: We're out here rounding up fucking poor broke ass motherfuckers while we're just degenerating at a rapid fucking pace. You cannot allow people to just lose goddamn money at the whims of a fucking touch of their phone like...

Speaker: the bottom has got to fall out of this sometime. You know, there's just too many people like not look, man. now if I'm only if I'm only doing it with like.

Speaker: Small amounts of money that like. I'm able to and I am as degenerate as I am. Yeah, like the amount of people being hurt by this every moment is astrophucking nomical. Did I tell you about the truck driver in the Star Trek mobile game?

Speaker: It sounds vaguely familiar to me, but I... I mean, it could be. for It's from, like, maybe the last four to five years. But so, anyway, there's this fucking one driver that used to always deliver.

Speaker: And, like, truck driver. And the guy, he was nice enough and whatever, but, man, he was just...

Speaker: He's a fucking old bumpkin dipshit, just moron. But anyway, during COVID, he said he got hooked on the Star Trek mobile game.

Speaker: You know, and it's one of those bullshit fucking... um

Speaker: It's of those fucking bullshit. like you know I played the Simpsons game for a while. like I'm on phone. can play for so long. and then but yeah It's full of microtransactions. Whatever.

Speaker: Oh, look at that. No one gets through. Uh-oh. Dion scores. Dion scores and the bases are still loaded here. This asshole told me. Microtransactions. Yes. During COVID, he spent $15,000 on the Star Trek mobile game. Okay.

Speaker: This guy f probably makes like maybe, so you know, 70 a year, 75. I don't know. what What I, what I, what he can't win money.

Speaker: No, no, there's nothing there's nothing to win. It's... Yeah. Yeah, there's not... Like, I totally understand, like, getting addicted to something like that if there's some sort of potential return.

Speaker: But, holy shit. He must have the best ship in the fucking galaxy.

Speaker: Probably so. Maybe one of those green women sucks his dick or something, like Captain Kirk. Fucking dog shit on the floor. I gotta... Hold on. Okay, I'm back. Dog shit 20722. Fuck.

Speaker: Fucking dog.

Speaker: You love that dog? I love him so much.

Speaker: Somehow I feel probably end up missing cleaning up his shit after he dies. and Granted, I'll have been the one to kill him, but... Maybe you'll go first.

Speaker: I can only hope. He might have to clean your shit. I hope he does. Philly's up 8-1 now. 7-1 Mets over Cardinals.

Speaker: Top of the ninth. My dog's shit in the basement this morning. Rangers over the Twins now. 7-3.

Speaker: I said my dog shit in the basement this morning. Oh, this morning? Well, I didn't hear this morning part. I thought you meant just now. Like, our dog said some kind of psychic link and said, shit, now.

Speaker: and could have, I don't know. u I'm in here. I'm over here. the dog's out there. That's great. Look who's here. It's like a Beetlejuice.

Speaker: Oh! Where's Art Barr?

Speaker: The juicer. All right. Oh, fuck, dude. Speaking the juicer, Jesus Christ, I saw one of the more unsettling segments of my life. it was It was on WCW Pro Chicago.

Speaker: as you knew, I was watching earlier today as I sent you a... I told you that Giovanni could get once and twice. Real handsome guy. Yeah. I didn't mind him so much. What I minded was him acting like pro wrestling was a legitimate sport.

Speaker: Yeah. You made sure. I worked, you know, I worked in wrestling, Blake, down in in St. Louis for, for, ah for old Sam Mushnick, you know, you don't say worked with him for a time, a bunch of carny assholes, ah real mean.

Speaker: it Never, never met a dollar. They didn't want to spend. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, yeah, that's... Hey, you know that shit's fake, right, Blake? I'm aware. It's all predetermined. They make it up as they go, but ah they aren't really hurting each other. Not on purpose, anyway.

Speaker: No, they do on accident sometimes. Yeah, that's what I hear. You know, they ah they do like... Stoney sucked Tony Schiavone's cock in the boot. Oh, wow, I didn't know that.

Speaker: The button on the fur coat. I don't know what you're talking about. I was talking about his cock. I'm sure some fat boy down in in Tennessee knows what you're talking about, but I don't.

Speaker: a Oh, dang, man. No, man. That's like eating on the dangled pea juice, dude. hey, hey, hey. Are you as big a are you as big as fat ass as is Gabe?

Speaker: Oh, man. No, dang, dude. Yeah, a little bit. Come on.

Speaker: Because that cave guy, that guy who who acts like i I live inside of him or something, ah that's just an excuse because he's just a giant fat piece of shit. Oh, hang on, man. Harry, dang, dude. going to take drink my cheeseburger, mate.

Speaker: Oh, dang, that's a good burger.

Speaker: Me lives up.

Speaker: Hey, it's Jeff Bagwell. Head of the top of the eighth here, seven to four. So this is his fucking mouth, man. Something's off. Oh, it's it's the overbite. It's it's he's got a significant overbite. Look at how far his top teeth go beyond his bottom teeth.

Speaker: It's problematic. It's inbreeding. I can always count on you to diagnose the to the core of the issue. You get there very well. Look at his face. Inbreeding.

Speaker: Years of inbreeding in that family. That's what causes the palate to be off. You know, mother was a Boston cop.

Speaker: She was? That's what we read. Jaffe! Jaffe! Go to Duncan for me, please. ah Out there, driving past old passmaster.

Speaker: Jesus. Pirates up 6-2 over the Cubs in the top of the ninth. Two doubles, two for two, two RBIs for Larry Walker.

Speaker: Brent Musburger said he's got a little senior smoke to him. Speaking of ah the ah the relief pitcher here for the Cincinnati Reds, Escudero, is that his name?

Speaker: Royals and White Sox all tied up in the bottom of the ninth. Wow, we're in for a heck of a game next time. That's heckctor Hector Escudero out there. It's Carrasco. Carrasco. God damn it.

Speaker: Well, maybe yes, maybe no. don't know. Uh-huh. Yeah, the... ah Yeah, fuck, I don't know. what you said What were we talking about before you said Escudero?

Speaker: Oh, Senior Smoke, yeah. Aurelio Lopez. Yeah, i remember him. I don't like the way that his arm... don't like that at all. No, not at all. troublesome.

Speaker: He's resting his chin on his shoulder, his his jaw on his shoulder. Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's too comfortable. so Too comfortable. little Black Lightning White Thunder.

Speaker: Those men are fucking. I'll tell you what, what I'd really like is, is, is, is after the game, if you want to stay here in the dugout and after everybody goes home and you just take my cock out and just start stroking on it for me. And I think we can, uh, we can come to some kind of agreement there. What do you say?

Speaker: See? Jose Rio doesn't speak English, Gabe. That's a joke. Yeah, I got you. I got you. that's I mean, that's half the battle is is making it clear that ah I tell him I say El Hago out of my pants.

Speaker: El Stroko.

Speaker: Ray El Stroko night on the whole ballgame. All I have to do, all have to do is tickle a little bit behind his ear. Yeah. And he is putty in my hands. And he's got, let me tell you something. He must be an aloo because he pisses on his hands before games.

Speaker: And let me tell you something. it It takes those calluses right off. He's got hands smoother than a baby's bottom. And believe me, on Jeffrey's Island, I've felt the baby's bottom in the past, and I know exactly what it feels like.

Speaker: Jesus. This is so unnecessary. He's not an aloo. He's a reho. Every day is a wonderful new adventure, friend. It's secret asshole. He's a maybe it's an adventure, too. i don't know. But ah his fucking father-in-law. a secret adventure. God damn it. Yeah, I guess it is. Depending on your outlook.

Speaker: His father-in-law is Juan Marichal, by the way. Jose Rio. That's interesting. I played with Juan Marichal as well. And Juan Marichal had ah beautiful hands, too.

Speaker: Thank you, Ray. You're real cocksucker. You know that? hey You know what? i depends on the situation that we're in, but I ain't opposed to it. but Why don't you whip yours out for me right now, Blake? I'll i'll suck your cock. I'm fine. I won't even have you pay me.

Speaker: Thank you. by God. tea You know, I got in my pubic hair once. Was it American? That kid's got no fear shirt on.

Speaker: What color do you dye it, right? I was waiting for you to ask. You want to guess? No, I just asked. White. Pure white. Man, that's disgusting.

Speaker: No, I made my cock look a lot bigger. Ask Caesar L. Ray over here. He'll tell you. That doesn't make sense to me because, you know, your cock's are already, like, white.

Speaker: No, no, it's very tan. I'm very olive-complected, you understand. Oh, okay. Gotcha. What is this? so you guys Boys got some sort of baseball program? Is that what this is?

Speaker: Yeah. How'd you get here? if

Speaker: Trying to fuck Jose Rio and then you go up and fuck me, asshole. ey did You're the asshole that punched Derek Davis in the face.

Speaker: Well, ah you know, look, Eric Davis mouthed off to me one too many times. He called me he called me a 2T, and i i didn't I had enough, and so I showed him. I'll punch you right in the face with with my my my my right hand, and you spell right with two Ts at the end of it.

Speaker: That's what I told him. And then he jerked me off in the dugout after the game. It was great. ah See, this is a thing that I do with guys. no especially nationally the Oh, not the suicide. What's this?

Speaker: You don't remember that commercial? she's Oh, my goodness. She's high on drugs. She doesn't realize the pool's empty, and she jumps off the goddamn diet. she's She's not high enough to not put her fucking swimsuit on, okay? Okay.

Speaker: But she's too high to notice there's no water in the fucking 12-foot pool.

Speaker: they they they but they They took out a poor strategy with drugs in the and 90s. They really did. i what i I remember that one now. ah what the The one that I remember most is the the the egg in the frying pan. yeah Because the kid caught his dad smoking pot.

Speaker: And the cats and the cradle and the silver spoon. I'm glad you brought that up, Blake. You know, ah I once sang that song to my father, and you know what he did to me? He burned me with the end of a cigarette right underneath the right eye. Good.

Speaker: He was kind enough not to put it in my eyeball because he knew that one day I might be able to make him enough money playing baseball at the time. So he wanted to just injure me. He didn't want to to jeopardize his future earnings as a father.

Speaker: Yeah, real Southern gentleman, I'm sure. Mr. Knight, as it were.

Speaker: i think that's probably where all this comes from. he used to jerk me off in my bedroom. Oh, God. Oh, yes. He fucking did.

Speaker: where else he also died in my pubic hair with a bottle bottle ah model um um hydrogen peroxide where ah ha ha where else would he jerk you off I was 16 at the time and he ah he just poured that bottle right on my pubic hair and and put me out in the sunshine underneath the sun there in the backyard and yeah lay on um on a towel a think that's why I got the knack for having the the white pubic hair. And eventually I moved on and got the the the actual dye. So it didn't burn quite as badly over time. You understand?

Speaker: I don't.

Speaker: What I'm telling you is I had an abusive childhood. And that's why I'm such a giant piece of shit. Did he ever make you pull your pants down and sit your bare ass cheeks on the hood of a hot car?

Speaker: Now, I can't say that i remember I remember him doing that, but that doesn't mean he didn't. I'm sure I blocked it out. ah Just like the the the several times that I know he took a a belt and he took the belt buckle and he would heat it up directly on the ah the the gas burners on the stove and the they kitchen. Wouldn't they catch the belt on fire?

Speaker: No, nope just the now you can't catch a leather on fire. You can burn it, but you can't catch it on fire. if you tried hard enough? but i will I will say he he would heat up that belt buckle.

Speaker: And then he would press it to the back of my neck. That's what this little ring is on the back of my neck here. He would he would essentially brand me over and over and over again until I i did exactly what he wanted me to do. And I didn't really ask him any questions some at a certain point after a certain point. You understand? I had a bit of an attitude problem, if you get my meaning.

Speaker: Sounds like you're a quick learner. It only took six or seven times, but I figured it out eventually. Six, seven, six, seven. hu I don't know what that means. ah What do you think about this? A good six, seven inches, right?

Speaker: Gary? Oh, no. No, no. Ray Knight. Nice to meet you. Why don't you take that cock out? let me Let me take a look at it. It's fine. No? i Okay. All right. Maybe next time. I'll ah i'll keep trying. We'll keep getting there. because you know You know, one time one time i was ah I was playing a game in Chicago a against the White Sox.

Speaker: Sure. We were there in town, and and I'll tell you, i you ever met Ron? um Only over the phone.

Speaker: Hell of a good guy. He's a... He, uh, he had these strange black glasses in his back pocket, but, uh, I'll tell you what, he, uh, seems like I was very attracted to, to African-American men, uh, men of darker, darker, uh, sort of complexion and men with giant pock marks all over their face. So, uh, uh,

Speaker: I jerked Karkovice off in the dugout one night after a ball game in Chicago, and then he disappeared. I don't know what happened. Just poof, right out of my hands. I don't know. I think it had something to do with them glasses. I don't know, though. The only problem I ever had with Karkovice is he he seemed to believe that he was responsible for every good thing that happened in the 20th century. i don't I don't understand it. he ah he ge He told tall tales, if you're if you're asking me.

Speaker: Well, nobody is asking you, Ray. I'm not sure I believe much of what you say. Tony Fernandez just stole that goddamn base like a motherfucker. Are you trying to tell me that you don't believe that baseball is just full of deviant sexual exploits?

Speaker: No, I believe that. Well, there you go. That's what I'm telling you. I'm just at the head of most of these. ah i'm I'm the head of the snake, as it were. You understand? Nah, you're the snake's ass, if you ask me. That's right. Either end is fine.

Speaker: just It starts or ends with me. That's that's the and that's the secret. You don't know whether to shit or wind your wristwatch, son. It's true. You know, it's kind of like a snake eating in its own tail. I shit in my own mouth pretty regular.

Speaker: Jeez. You're like a human centipede. A one-man human centipede. That's what I am. It's right. Just a cock. See? Just just say it's a cocksucker. You smell that? It smells like shit, don't it? Well, yeah, because the dog's shitting there. yeah

Speaker: That's why I'm talking like this. That's why I found reanitis, because I was disassociating from the scent.

Speaker: Very good.

Speaker: That's where all of our good shit comes from, folks. It's when we need to go into a dissociative state. That's it. Been one for the last 16 months. Looks like my Aunt Sheila.

Speaker: Mother to fat-ass cousin Roger.

Speaker: You know what I found out today?

Speaker: Oh, good catch by the little girl there. um I took the children on a walk and um i was talking to the boy and we were to actually talking about our trip to the apartments in Sykeston.

Speaker: And I told him that what we saw in the back was either a drug deal or prostitution deal or possibly both. And he said, i don't know what prostitution is.

Speaker: Oh, Blew my mind that He didn't know that. 12, yeah? 13? No, this is 11. Okay. Yeah, I don't know if I knew what it was at 11. Yeah, I knew like at 7. Of course, I was far more sheltered than you.

Speaker: i knew everything by like 8 or 9. I mean, he's pretty sheltered. I mean, just as a... As a circumstance of where you guys live compared to like where you lived when you were seven.

Speaker: Yeah. You know, true. I guess I just, I don't know. Maybe it's coming, but I don't know. I assumed kids talked more freely about shit at school.

Speaker: Like we were talking about all sorts of fucking crazy ass shit. I don't know. I'm out of touch. I think

Speaker: I'm a man lost in time, Gabe.

Speaker: Hey, so am Don't worry about it. You'll be fine, Blake. I'm not so sure, Harry. don't Don't worry about it, is my point.

Speaker: There's nothing you can do about it anyway. That's great, thank you. Look, look, it's like what you and Gabe talk about with the simulation theory, right? Doesn't matter if it's true or not, because there's nothing you can do about it. That's what Gabe tells me.

Speaker: You aren't in control. All right. Let go and let God, as it were. Let go and get lost THC, as it were.

Speaker: Blake's point, this broadcast of the whole ballgame is brought to you by Lost THC. Get to the island. Join the Dharma Initiative. Lost THC.org. I'll go to that website. I don't know if it's real. What, Jimmy? Jimmy?

Speaker: what jimmy I said Greg and Dharma for life. Dharma and Greg. yeah That's what I meant, baby. Yeah, I got you. I'm all mixed up. We lost Terry. Did you know that?

Speaker: Aw, Terry.

Speaker: Did you hear? Baby, I heard Nasty Nick might be getting the ring.

Speaker: I did hear the rumors that he was at the performance center ah

Speaker: training. I think he could work honky. They'd have a good program, baby, and I could be part of it.

Speaker: He is cool and cocky and bad. I could be like Elizabeth at WrestleMania 5.

Speaker: Here comes Dion. First at bat of the ballgame here.

Speaker: And then at the end of the match, when it's the finish, it is, baby. And I get in the ring, and I'm gonna, who am I gonna help? Am I gonna help Nasty Nick, baby? Or what do I do?

Speaker: Then I pull out my megaphone, which is actually a gun, and I shoot Cousin Roger in the fucking face in the front row. going to keep on, keep on, keep on dancing, Joe.

Speaker: I think it is know, tried to jerk off Dion one night. Jesus. How'd that go? no yeah yeah He wasn't having it. He said, I'm not into that shit, boy. and he pushed me down.

Speaker: We haven't talked since, but it'll be okay. We'll we'llll we'll rebound. Our relationship will come back. Yeah, you think so? After 30 years, you'll finally... oh yeah yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, look ah a one of my illegitimate children goes to the University Colorado.

Speaker: Oh, that's so exciting. I'm sure we'll be able to hook up again somehow. Ain't no big deal. See how many times you can touch Tony Fernandez's ass here. Well, here's the thing about Tony.

Speaker: Yeah. Here's the thing about Tony. He's got a cock the size of ah a small child.

Speaker: Yeah, I'll let you sit with that one.

Speaker: No, not saying he's his cock's the size of a small child's cock. I'm saying his cock is actually the size of a small child. Oh, for fuck's sakes.

Speaker: 21 inches long, 8 pounds, 6 inches. 21 inches? Yeah, that's right. You ever jerk off a cock 21 inches long, Blake?

Speaker: I can't say that I have. A lot of fucking work, man.

Speaker: Well, I guess.

Speaker: I mean, you could just put like the tip in your mouth and that'd probably work, too. Expos win 64 in Atlanta.

Speaker: Usually if you could just fuck what you fuck with the head long enough and then it'll come no matter what.

Speaker: But, you know, everybody does their penis stuff different.

Speaker: I like to put mine in vaginas. And what's really cool is if if I can get a lady mouth on it too. um Well, I suppose to each their own.

Speaker: Yeah, yeah. That ain't happened in a while, though.

Speaker: Yeah, I imagine there are people that have bigger droughts than you. I don't know. I figure everybody's, you know, everybody kind of lands right in the middle, most of them, anyhow.

Speaker: Yes. Put that on the tombstone. Everybody lands in the middle. Most of them, anyhow.

Speaker: Look at that. Look at that, Ray. i don't have the hands that I used to. Nah, from jerking off those fucking 21-inch dicks. I'm sure that makes those fucking meat grinders pretty fucking clubby.

Speaker: yeah yeah You got no feeling. It's all slapping and tickling with you. I'll tell you what I really like is the way the cold rain feels on my hands in the a hot summer evening. Yeah, that's a...

Speaker: Not what I expected, but it's fine.

Speaker: I'll have to watch a baseball tonight with him one time. You know, I was ah i was part of the 1986 Mets, you remember? I do remember. Caminiti with a goddamn laser.

Speaker: Jesus Christ. Wow. that That's a man that's on steroids that's going to die young. Look at this motherfucker. Jesus.

Speaker: Here we go. Top of the ninth. Can the Astros even it up? We got Chris Donalds here pinch hitting for Tony Usabel.

Speaker: They're leaving senior smoke too. And see, this is the kind of guy. This is Donald's character. This kind of guy wouldn't even touch with my hands. He looks pretty dirty. at his face. He's got no beard.

Speaker: you know Yeah, and neither is Gabe. Fat boy doesn't have no beard. and Something weird going on with him. I know. If you're a fat boy, you need a beard, right, Ray? That's the way I figure it.

Speaker: You ain't going to jack off no fat boy with no beard, are you? look you either have it You either have a beard or you don't. That's the way I figure it. see Yeah, you're right.

Speaker: Can't argue that. Well, I guess you could have a mustache or goatee. If you got a mustache, you don't have a beard. If you got a goatee, you got a beard. as How hard is this? This isn't hard.

Speaker: that's Although that guy's cock looks like it might be hard. He has a Snagglepuss t-shirt on. that wasn't sure what that was. Might have been Pink Panther.

Speaker: Snagglepuss and Pink Panther are the same thing. You didn't know that?

Speaker: No, I didn't. think They're both pink and cats, so it might as well be the same thing, right? Okay. Well, no. there's They're both white and people. They might well be the same thing, right?

Speaker: Aren't we? No. um What are you going to eat after the show, Ray? Oh, I don't know. Wait, I figure you've been thinking about that for 10, 15 minutes now probably Probably just a ah giant pint glass full of semen.

Speaker: ah I squoze it myself. The darker the better.

Speaker: who got know what they You know what they say, don't you? The darker the penis, the sweeter the juice. That's what Gordon Sully told me.

Speaker: No question about it.

Speaker: I just got a text message asking me to keep it down. look at that. Waking motherfuckers up. I am. Apparently so. It's the first time that's happened in the new place. Wow.

Speaker: So I figured having gone to bed three and a half hours ago, she'd be well into REM sleep by now. Sure. Sure. You will, um,

Speaker: Please send your angry emails to the whole ball game at mail.com. When we are quiet late in the show, is that to M a L E.com Blake? No, Ray, it's not.

Speaker: Oh, well, I thought this was my kind of show. I guess not. Yeah, no, you I'll die, man. I got a show for you. That's what you looking for, dude. It's called grilling Oklahoma, man.

Speaker: Really? i thought I thought I saw something about some some baseball, show some not some baseball, some show about money or something like that. You and you were jerking off ah a former former football player and wrestler.

Speaker: Looks like he, ah

Speaker: don't know.

Speaker: Thanks, Ray.

Speaker: I think I've reached the end of Ray's efficacy here on the evening. one of the deeper characters we've had. A little bit of... Jacking everybody off.

Speaker: There's the player of the game. ah I the player of the game.

Speaker: I didn't rape nobody that night. You were three for four with two home runs and a single tonight. Three RBI, Kevin. Well done. You're the chewy player of the game. And I watched Bruno San Martino versus Larry Zabisco at Chase Stadium.

Speaker: Again? How many times have you watched that match? 274. Nice. oh That's going to do it.

Speaker: That'll wrap it up here from Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati. Cincinnati takes over 7-4 here. that... and that is the whole ball game.

Speaker: Smiley gets the win. Swindell gets the loss and the save goes to Carrasco. Two homers for Kevin Mitchell. And the proceeding program has been paid for by the office of the commissioner of baseball.

Speaker: As always, as always. So that's that we've teased it enough. Uh, next on our route is, uh, August.

Speaker: Nope. Not August. Same night. It's the, the White Sox Royals game, ah that we just, we didn't see what the final score was. We did see it went into extra innings, um, tied at three. So next time we get to hear from the big hurt and, uh, whoever our kisser ends up being, um,

Speaker: and And in the meantime, head over to Patreon. Patreon.com slash the whole ball game. Get in now so you have full access to our journey with Papa through the history of all elite entertainment. Do you want to give him a little tease before we go, Pops?

Speaker: Your time is up. Our time is now