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Is Your Own Nervous System the Secret to Happy, Resilient Kids? with @JennieMonness
485 Plays17 days ago
Episode 85: In this episode, Beth is joined by Jennie Monness (@jenniemonness), early childhood educator and founder of Union Square Play, who shares insightful strategies for parents navigating big feelings, regulation, and self-compassion. We explore how understanding your own nervous systems, modeling vulnerability, and embracing imperfections can transform our approach to parenting and self-care.
Key topics:
• The importance of recognizing that parents and children are both "first-timers" in this journey
• How dysregulation impacts the entire family and ways to build frustration tolerance
• The concept that feelings last approximately 90 seconds and how to use this knowledge in real moments
• Practical tips for incorporating meditation and mindfulness into busy parent routines
• The significance of repair, connection, and modeling self-compassion after conflicts
• Understanding and respecting individual temperaments, sensitivities, and triggers
• The role of intentional language and the power of honesty about learning and uncertainty
• The impact of cultural and developmental histories on parenting and self perceptions
• Light-hearted stories highlighting the humor and messiness of parenting
About the Host:
Beth Gaskill (Miss Beth) is a reading specialist, early childhood educator, and founder of Big City Readers. She helps parents support their children's literacy development through research-backed, science of reading strategies.
Follow Miss Beth on Instagram @bigcityreaders
Browse Big City Readers resources at BigCityReaders.com
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Transcript
The Shared Journey of First-Time Parents
00:00:00
Speaker
to know that we are just like them doing this for the first time. They're kids for the first time, we're parents for the first time. And I think yeah telling them that is a great thing too. like in maybe that repair time be like, sorry, did I do this okay? I'm also learning. Like they think we know how to do everything, but think it's so freeing for kids to know that we we also don't know how to do everything.
00:00:23
Speaker
Absolutely. They love that. They love knowing like, okay, nothing's wrong with
Introduction to the Play On Words Podcast
00:00:28
Speaker
me. Play onward On Words! Play On Words! This is Play On Words from Big City Readers.
00:00:34
Speaker
And this is Beth. Welcome back to the Play On Words podcast from Big City Readers. Today I am joined by... The woman that needs no introduction, but I'll introduce her anyway, Jenny Monez, early childhood educator, founder of Union Square Play in New York, and so many other things, podcaster, excellent resource in the early childhood parenting space, and ah fashion icon, I'll say. well I love that. Thank you for that introduction. I'm so excited to be here.
00:01:09
Speaker
v too. I'm talking with you. I loved being on your podcast this summer in New York. That was very fun. I was thinking about that, how you were at my studio and I was calling in virtually. Yeah.
Jenny Monez's Experience and Insights
00:01:24
Speaker
yeah um Okay, can you tell, if people don't know you, tell any other parts that they should know about you before we dive into, wait, let me tell them what we're going to be talking about.
00:01:36
Speaker
Are kids too sensitive or are we finally paying attention? and we're going to talk about a lot of things like meditating and nervous systems and big feelings and also what it means for kids. Because, yeah, we're talking about ourselves, too.
00:01:51
Speaker
So, okay, so tell us tell us a little bit about you. so important and it actually segues into what I would probably add to my intro, which is that, you know, i worked in the early childhood space now.
00:02:04
Speaker
I don't know, like coming on like almost two decades, I'm aging myself um with infants and toddlers and daycares and preschools. and something that I always loved, even before I was a parent, was connecting with parents.
00:02:16
Speaker
And I really feel like I knew how to see and hear them. and You know, many times people would be like, you don't make me feel like a number, even when there would be like so many parents, you know, to kind of manage and them.
Emotional Challenges in Parenting
00:02:31
Speaker
And from there, it sort of inspired me to realize like how much we need to connect the dots between the parent and child, even in the education space. And so before I became a parent, I realized, you know, this is hard work, right? You know, for parents to...
00:02:50
Speaker
regulate and meet their kids where they are. And I found the same thing even in the education space. But then once I became a parent, I realized it felt almost impossible on how much our nervous system sort of set the tone emotional tone of the whole home.
00:03:04
Speaker
and it's when I realized how much this work, like you just said is about the kids, but really about us. But I yeah, if you're gonna in quotes respectfully parent, like you also need to respect your sort of process of finding out who you are, where your triggers lie and roadblocks,
Inspiration Behind 'We Didn’t Turn Out Okay' Podcast
00:03:24
Speaker
things like that. And so really, that's what inspired my podcast, we didn't turn out okay. And as like a window into like how we can show up best for ourselves first, and then our kids.
00:03:35
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. i i remember before I like connected with you, a few, we have a few mutual friends and they're like, everything you talk about sounds so much like Jenny. And you're saying that, I remember when I was in the classroom, I thought so much about the parents. And i remember one day we were having lunch, you know, we are the school I was at didn't have um like lunch duty. So the teachers had to do it. And all the teachers were sitting there and they like open, you know, we opened our email check, like catch up on things as teachers do.
00:04:05
Speaker
And this the third grade teacher was like, oh, my gosh, I'm using a fake name. But like Ella's mom emailed me saying like Ella said she doesn't feel like she plays with anybody at recess. And she wants me to like check in on her and then report back because she's just like feels like she can't focus at work until she knows like, does she think that I really have time for this? And I was like, I.
00:04:28
Speaker
Yeah. Like that mom is so worried about her baby. The least you could do is give her that like peace. Like, actually, i totally know what she means. You know, there was ah a click happening yesterday, but today I see them all playing together or I'm facilitating this today at lunch. So everybody's involved. But I realized in that moment that a lot of teachers...
Teachers and Parents: Bridging the Gap
00:04:52
Speaker
really just want to teach kids but yeah i like you it's like the parent is such an important piece and they don't there's like not a there's no training most of the training i do for school districts now is to help teachers understand how to communicate with parents because that's not really taught in any education programs and like the teachers can teach but the parents need to be involved and need to be supported and known too Totally. It's so true. Yeah. Like even i remember what joy it brought me to let Brit take a photo and send to the parent who was worried in that way and how rewarding it felt and how much, yeah, it requires patience and all the things that we need to execute with kids, but really that you need to, to help show up for parents too. And then once I became a parent, I was like, wait, I'm Ella's mom. Yeah.
00:05:43
Speaker
And yeah I need someone to send me pictures. And yeah, it's what led to like community building and all the things and how we even been connected was just through, yeah, just aligning on approach. And yeah, it's just been amazing to connect with so many people by putting yourself out there with how we feel about this work.
00:06:05
Speaker
Yeah. Okay, I don't know which direction I want to go first. i want i want to talk about like child temperament and regulating dynamics.
Impact of Child Temperament and Parental Regulation
00:06:15
Speaker
And also I want to talk about like how kids learning stops when they feel like there's a threat in the classroom. But I also want to talk about parents regulating themselves. So do you want to you want to pick a pick a lane?
00:06:29
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, all of those topics I feel are really powerful. I guess we can start just because we talked about it You know, Ella's mom, for lack of her real name. Yeah.
00:06:42
Speaker
You know, just what spoke to me when you gave that example was that, you know, she wasn't regulated in that moment of emailing the fact that I mean, talk about no learning can happen, even for all humans, right? She's like, I can't get a stitch of work done until I know this. And it reminds me of a situation this morning with my daughter who's six and she sets up these little adorable, like house setups for her dolls. Both my girls do their six and eight and she couldn't find the toothbrush for the doll.
00:07:14
Speaker
And when I talk about like dysregulation, this was like where if someone outside heard, it was like that, you know, when you hear that like screaming, like, Oh, they are really in it.
00:07:25
Speaker
And of course every fiber of me wanted to be like, it's, a doll's toothbrush. I'm going to throw away all your toys if this is what it causes. And we were late.
00:07:36
Speaker
But picture, i said in that moment, because my eight-year-old was also like, Mommy, it's just a toothbrush. I was like, what if Mommy couldn't find her phone? Which I'm like mortified that that's the example that hit home for my kids.
00:07:49
Speaker
We would all,
A Personal Story of Dysregulation
00:07:51
Speaker
you know, be looking for it, which has happened before. And that's really what it feels like for kids. And so you could imagine if you couldn't find your phone and your spouse or someone was dysregulated in response, that how much worse it would be.
00:08:03
Speaker
so anyway, for Ella's mom, if someone were to respond, not that they would just being like, you know, I'm doing my job. Like I'm with the kids. I don't have time for this type of thing. It wouldn't help. But also Ella's mom needs to know and all of our kids need to know that you can get through every dysregulated moment, which is what we really did with Mel this morning. Like, you know, it's a tunnel to get through.
00:08:24
Speaker
How did you do it? You made the analogy. You you all will looked for it You didn't lose your mind. I did of the above. first, I started looking. And while I'm looking, I was like, this is not it Like, I want to teach that this isn't the only solution.
00:08:42
Speaker
Right. Like finding it isn't the only way out of this tunnel. Right. But, you know, you look for a little bit, of course, but then there's things we need to do, places we need to go. And so at that point, I was like, you're really upset. I get it, but we still need to get out the door. So was trying to get her ready. She was becoming more dysregulated, just really screaming like, i want it now, you know, that feeling.
00:09:05
Speaker
And then I was like, no more playing in the morning, you know, then I was throwing myself around is what my mom says, you know, having my own tantrum, like, And I realized like I'm blaming. So anyway, all the things. But by the end of like, you know, then now it's like kind of run its course. It's been like five minutes of us just, you know, I gave a hug. i was like, what we need to remember, even mommy, is that all of these feelings are tunnels. Some of them are longer tunnels, but there's always another side. It's really helped me so much with that analogy, even when I'm in it.
00:09:38
Speaker
And, you know, Tess was like,
Emotional Moments: The Tunnel Analogy
00:09:41
Speaker
I wanted to tell her it wasn't a big deal. I was like, that's, you know, there's no way around the tunnel, you know, and so we just have to help her get through it And so it was it's more about a reflecting moment after that I hope stays with them at some point down the line during it. yeah It's hard now, though, but consistently, I feel like it could help.
00:10:01
Speaker
That's such a good analogy. i was talking to a parent just yesterday about, you know, different kids and different temperament and dynamics. And and she was asking about one of her kids who is ADHD and highly sensitive and has a perfect curation of needs related. really patient and a lot of praise. And she's like, well, what do I do with my other two kids on either side of this child?
00:10:30
Speaker
Because they don't require that. And then it kind of looks like he gets away with whatever he wants because like he's having the meltdown. But I think, I think the tunnel thing is, is probably helpful because it's like, well, we we all go through tunnels. Like sometimes his tunnels are longer. Sometimes he needs us to push him through the tunnel a little bit further. And that might look like, you know, us saying, okay, we'll take a breath before we get in the car. or you're right. You can have the blue cup because, know,
00:11:01
Speaker
but it's so hard because then you you know your brain is like well then I'm like making the other kids who like don't need as much support have to like bend over backwards do you have any thoughts on that? my No there's so much of that and it's part it's it's literally probably the most prominent thing that I have the hardest time with in moments like this is my other child like I truly maybe because of all the times that I've worked with infants and toddlers have a really long bandwidth if we didn't have time schedules and didn't have other children you know if it wasn't real life like I could really be in it with kids for a long time yeah um but it's me thinking about for my eight-year-olds like also like it gives
00:11:45
Speaker
I feel it it's like less space for them, right? When they're older and can see it and they're like, I see how this impacts everybody and myself. So I'm going to sort of shrink myself and my feelings. I have like a sort of an empath daughter that I like worry so much. Well,
00:12:02
Speaker
believe that. and so I think it's really about what I always talk about, and I'm sure you do in every early childhood resource is like repair that I think there's also learning that can happen after not during right, I'm not in that moment gonna be like, look what you're doing to your sister. Now she's gonna shrink her feelings. But there's Things I do say along the way, like when my older daughter is like so fixated in that moment, I'll be like, these are her feelings and I'm here to help her through them You can get ready.
00:12:30
Speaker
um So much so that this morning she was like, I just want to give her a hug. And I was like so triggered that like, don't let it impact you that during our like aftermath reflection, I was like, and maybe mommy could have let you give a hug in that moment. I just wanted you to know that you can focus on Tess.
00:12:47
Speaker
And Nellie, my younger, is like, I wanted that hug. So I think there's a way to allow them to realize that they're we all impact each other, but there's things we could say to separate them, right? So for this parent, you know, it's okay to say to the older child who doesn't have some of these challenges, he has a harder time with some of these things.
00:13:10
Speaker
I have a harder time with my things, you you know, kind of like this is just a challenge he has that you might not have. As opposed to like, he you know, he has special treatment.
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I have so many thoughts and feelings because I m have a huge family and my parents adopted and did foster care with several kids with like high, severe needs. And so my parents always, you know, like my my three older siblings and I are the biological siblings and parents.
00:13:48
Speaker
It was always like, you're fine. You have less needs. And obviously that is how I didn't turn out okay. But then I feel like I go into things like my sister's talking about her daughter. And at the parent-teacher conference, the teacher's like, she is always my helper. i know that if I ever need anything, like someone's left out or I need someone to sit out of something, I can ask her. And I'm like, no, I don't want her to feel like she has to be that role.
00:14:17
Speaker
But it's it's tricky, right? Because like, how much of it do you think is is like that we put our stuff on them? Like maybe she's fine with being that for the teacher and we're just overthinking it. Like, let's talk about whose sensitivity is it anyway. So when we're talking about how the teacher says she's such a good helper and we kind of are like, oh no, don't make her be the helper. Or like when we're like, oh my gosh, we're going to be late. go get your shoes on. and then we drop kids off at school and then we're like, are they going to have the worst day ever because I was rushing them or I was yelling or or I don't want them to be the helper? Are we projecting like our own feelings onto them? And how do we know who the sensitivity belongs to?
Projection and Trusting Children's Resilience
00:15:06
Speaker
Yes.
00:15:06
Speaker
Oh my God. I love that question so much. And I always of course, think of my own journey. i mean, this is how I connect with people is I'm just such an open book. But this morning after this whole fiasco, just as an example, I really, you know, where I'm trying to be like, we're all like, at peace now. Like, let's you know, we're all in one big happy family, like so badly in my head. And my older daughter, who I'm feeling the most empathetic towards, like takes out her water bottle. She's still just like this
00:15:40
Speaker
amazing presence of calm and all of the storm. and it's a Mario Brothers water bottle that says Nell's name on it. But both my girls are like, we hate that water bottle. Like, it's not princessy enough for us. It says Nell's name. It's like old. It was given out of whatever, like all the superficial reasons why. But it's like they don't like it.
00:16:00
Speaker
And Matt, my husband, had given it. And so i was like, oh, do you don't like that water bottle. You know, do you want me to get another? And she's like, drink. So she's like, no. I'm like, are sure I'll run up and get the other water bottle? And she's like, no.
00:16:12
Speaker
and I swear, I really wanted to just run up and swap it because I would be envisioning her after this, like the whole day with like every time she took her water bottle. And I was like, no, this is your thing.
00:16:25
Speaker
You're projecting, Jenny, that just because in the past when they've probably just mostly been upset because they've had nerves about like going to school and they're taking it out and in the form of the water bottle. Your daughter's telling you she's fine.
00:16:37
Speaker
And you have to trust that. Even if later she takes it and is like, oh i have this water bottle. It's not something I need to divert because I gave, know, I asked once.
00:16:50
Speaker
So I think we really have to do a good job of knowing where our sensitivities lie and theirs, even in that case where it has at one point been a sensitivity of theirs.
00:17:03
Speaker
And I think, I don't know how old you're your niece is but how old is she? She's 10. As long there's windows for her to express or communicate, if that's not the role she wants to play, you know, whether it be like before bed, saying, how was your day? And then she brings up that she was a helper at some point. You know, if there is a concern or a sensitivity of ours,
00:17:28
Speaker
I think you can use it to help you connect with your kid, but not like beat a dead horse and really to trust your child, even if you still have it in your nervous system as like a potential thing.
00:17:39
Speaker
we really have to trust them. i I saw something once on Instagram. This mom was like, i trust my daughter when I ask her something she says and she says, never mind. I used to be like, I need to know what she was going to say.
00:17:52
Speaker
And I stopped doing that. And I've kept that with me because how hard is that to do? to not like make someone tell you something when they say never mind. So yeah, there's these little, I think, reminders of that sensitivity being ours and theirs and not the same.
00:18:12
Speaker
Yeah.
Parental Intentions and Child Development
00:18:13
Speaker
I think i I love the title of your podcast. We didn't turn out OK. But like I love that you're like, well, and also here's how we did because we have so much information. And and I feel like I always feel like I need to be like.
00:18:28
Speaker
Our parents, I know it sounds like it sounds so patronizing to be like, they did their best. And but because, you know, my mom, they did. And my mom and dad are amazing. And but still, like, there are things that I can look back on. And I feel so bad we were having a family party this weekend. And And I said something.
00:18:48
Speaker
oh my mom said, um oh my gosh, beth was Beth is such an introvert, but she can um rise to the occasion. But she like really is um an introvert. and And my partner was like, no, she is not. And my mom was like, yeah, she was so shy. She hid behind me. She cried if she had to go to a play date. She cried about going to a birthday party. People always were inviting her over. she's like, please, please, please don't leave me. And I was like, well, mom, you did your best. And she's like, oh, God, what did I do wrong? And I was like, well, no. Now, like being in the early childhood world studying all of this, I obviously can see that having so many open adoptions and foster care that my developing brain didn't understand the consistency of of my
00:19:39
Speaker
role in my house. So i I was worried that I was going to never see my parents again because I saw, you know, kids coming and going and leaving their birth parents. Like my mom said i was five and I said, when am I going to meet my birth mom?
00:19:54
Speaker
Oh, my God. I know. So, like, obviously looking back, like, a four-year-old doesn't really have the ability. like it And I was like, Mom, it's great what you guys did. And I, like, you didn't have enough.
00:20:06
Speaker
Yeah. You didn't have enough resources to know, like, how it would affect me as a four-year-old. You're like, Great. We have enough rooms. We have enough love. We have enough support. Let's take in other kids. But I obviously, like, looking back, my nervous system was so stressed that that was happening. And so all that to say is I i don't I feel bad whenever it's like, well, they didn't have as much information. But now this generation, I feel like we.
Communication and Repair in Parenting
00:20:34
Speaker
almost went the other way. And I feel like we do this like, oh, gosh, they're going to be like thinking about this when they're at school. But really, that's more us. And they're actually fine most of the time. Like they're not the ones that are like, my mom was stressed this morning. Like we're the ones thinking about it. right Or like every time I reach for the water bottle, I'm like embarrassed and I'm not proud of my whatever it is.
00:21:00
Speaker
But that's the whole point, right? It's not like we didn't turn out okay, and we're doomed. It's like how many people maybe, be and not to judge at all, or how many versions of me truly has allowed that moment to pass where I did replace the water bottle without realizing that's like a not okay part of me. And when I say not okay, it's not like, oh, like, I'm, you know, have some like prognosis that I'm gonna whatever, like create all this stress. But Those are opportunities, you know, for me to just be like, Jenny, this is a you thing or a you're not OK thing and not a test is not OK thing.
00:21:36
Speaker
Yeah. Maybe like some things don't need to be labeled and it's like, I'm stressed by this. I would have felt this way in my own childhood.
00:21:47
Speaker
My kid is more resilient because of the way I'm parenting them and they're fine. And they know that there's always time for repair. I think like that's the biggest thing you mentioned, like, because we aren't going to do everything perfectly. But if we know there's always going to be communication, there's always going to be connection, there's always going to be repair, they always will have the opportunity to say, I'm upset by this, or I was sad by this, not just like, we don't need to just be there preventing them from being sad by things or triggered by things.
00:22:20
Speaker
Yeah. Or even like shortening it, you know, within reason, of course, like we still need to move along and stuff, but you know what i mean? We don't need to put like a time frame around it, which has helped my older daughter a lot when like we're in the thick of like those shrill screams of my younger one out, you know, she's held on to like every feeling last 90 seconds. And she's like, but what if it's longer than that? I was like, it means that Nellie's probably replaying that feeling or we're replaying that feeling if we're the ones in it
00:22:51
Speaker
But if we can just be there through the 90 second storm, it will start to bring her through. Like there's these just tangible things that I think have helped us a lot, whether we're in the thick of the tantrum, myself included, or we're...
00:23:06
Speaker
supporters or ah observers, you know. Will you talk
Biological Duration of Feelings
00:23:10
Speaker
about that? I love that a feeling can only last 90 seconds. And I feel like that would be helpful for parents with multiple kids to explain. i feel like a lot of kids really like cling to a tangible thing.
00:23:22
Speaker
Yeah, yes so much. And it's helped me to, you know, I think back to even, you know, when I was in the thick of infants, whether it be, you know, and what I was doing educationally, or when I had infants of my own with like sleep training, I never was able to sleep train, you know, different topic.
00:23:43
Speaker
But you know how you would listen for the sort of like calming cries, And, you know, if it's like, depending on what approach you're doing, if it's like longer than five minutes or it starts over and there's these different cues when there's big emotions.
00:23:57
Speaker
But if you look at like nervous system research and the science behind it, it's really like a loop, you know, that. They say it's 90 seconds of a feeling. You can still continue that feeling.
00:24:12
Speaker
But what we usually do is we layer on to the feeling, which is why it continues in a loop. But similar to like listening for the in-between like dives of crying,
00:24:23
Speaker
after 90 seconds, it's really our nervous system reacting to that initial feeling scientifically. And so i feel like it doesn't mean that everything's going to end after 90 seconds, but usually it's also that if we can stay on the 90 seconds, we've given ourselves the opportunity to like take those micro pauses, which is related to the whole meditation topic, instead of reacting You know, that we're not adding on another layer of like guilt, shame or dysregulation on top of our child's already hard time. Yeah. OK, so let's talk about meditating. Do you meditate?
00:25:03
Speaker
Yes. I mean, it's a practice I've realized now, like very recently, the last time. three months. It's like very fresh, but I try, i'd say like five out of seven days a week I do.
00:25:16
Speaker
And what does that look like? I feel like people, well, myself included, because I, ah whenever I talk about my morning routine and I go in spurts, right. Cause I don't want to ah hold myself like too rigid, but I often do have 90 minute morning routine and I will wake up at five to do that. But then sometimes I just don't cause I'm like,
00:25:37
Speaker
what is the point? I don't know if it makes a difference. But then after a couple of months, I'm like, oh, it does make a difference. I can see my reaction time to things is different. How how I you know view someone cutting me off or a kid having a meltdown, I'm like, oh, that meditating did work. I find, and part of in my morning routine is like writing all my thoughts, meditating for 10 minutes, moving my body for 10 minutes, you know the things that we're supposed to do.
00:26:04
Speaker
But even I have been meditating for 15 years on and off. My God, really? Yes. But I feel like I don't know that it it's like I think people are like, I don't know. how do How do I know that it's working? Why does it matter?
00:26:21
Speaker
and And like, who has time to do that? Like, I think everybody will say like, no, I am. My kids are up at six. I'm not waking up before them. I'm not doing that. You know, like, oh, or must be nice that you've got a kid that sleeps till 630 or, you know, things like that. What do you what do you say about all those excuses? And what do you notice about meditating? And do you think that it it matters or is it just baloney? Yeah.
00:26:46
Speaker
Yeah, so much there. I will say
Jenny's Journey into Meditation
00:26:49
Speaker
that as someone who really, you know, I shared this today was like, oh, I don't need like a way to relax, even though we all do. But you know mean? I thought it was just about like finding Zen. and I was like, I don't have time for that.
00:27:03
Speaker
and I don't feel like it's bringing me calm because when I'm like trying to meditate, I'm just thinking of like my to do list. And, ah you know, that's what I thought it was about. and I'd say that I sort of like accidentally you know, three, four months ago with like a guided meditation,
00:27:25
Speaker
realize it started when I would like lay down in bed with my girls before bed. One of them was having a hard time. And I was like, I feel like I have so much to do, but I'm like trapped.
00:27:36
Speaker
And I was like, so I'm going to try and like almost disassociate from these like spiraling thoughts. That's how i it happened for me. I would be laying down. I think with meditating, you're not supposed to be because like you could fall asleep.
00:27:50
Speaker
But I was sort of like, I don't mean like transcend into a different world, but like disassociate from that spiral and from like the open tabs. And I realized how much I was like, that's like what meditating is about. And so then I started downloading and listening to different like guided meditations and My friend Jamie Graber has like shift with Jamie. I love. So anyway, now I'd say that mine is not always in the morning because it always depends on the day.
00:28:18
Speaker
You know, if we have a hectic day like this morning or not, or if I get up before them. Yeah. But it's, I try to do like 15 to 20 minutes of some sort of meditation where really I believe it's sort of like,
00:28:31
Speaker
a 20 minute not giving into my spirals and like just thoughts like this way of like sort of like training your brain from coming back to present o because if you think about it your brain never rests yeah and so yeah that's what motivates me that's good yeah so do you meditate with the girls I mean, there's been times when I have because I'll be like, I'm going to meditate and I'll be like, can we come? But usually that's not a meditation that I'm speaking of.
00:29:05
Speaker
And it's not like before bed anymore. It really needs to be like fully. I want to actually set up.
Creating a Meditation Space
00:29:11
Speaker
Now I realize why people do it in their closet, because otherwise you're sort of thinking I'm going to be interrupted at any moment.
00:29:17
Speaker
Yeah. but right now it's like the corner in between the bed and the wall, like me hiding there. but with my headphones even if I'm like alone in the apartment it's just that little like corner between like my knife and you know yeah by the bed but I would love to like set up just like a little cushion in my closet so that I don't feel like I'm going to be interrupted yeah Okay, so the meditation is new. So how do you stay? What are your what are your tips and tricks to staying regulated as a parent?
Maintaining Emotional Regulation as a Parent
00:29:49
Speaker
Like, you know, people are like, yeah, easier said than done. Or what am I supposed to do Because i am dysregulated, but there's nothing I can do. I have no time. and My life is just crazy.
00:30:01
Speaker
You mean in terms of like how this has helped me regulate? like Yeah. yeah so that we don't So you seem to have like that ability that I think people are like, well, you're just perfect and amazing that you can notice that you're I'm just imagining a person being like, yeah. Oh, my God. I don't like it.
00:30:20
Speaker
No, no, no. But, but I mean, I think, I think i yeah you like that you can notice this is about me. This isn't about my child. What does my child need right now? I think that even is hard for people to get to. They're like, how do i even get, have that enough space to be like, oh, this is me, not them. Like not even how to get out of that. But I think people don't even have that.
00:30:44
Speaker
They need that step of noticing. Yeah, you're so right. That's like actually so kind of mind blowing to know that these moments can just pass. And I know that that's why I do what I do and share all the things that I share.
00:30:59
Speaker
i think it really comes from a place of, you know, at the start, realizing how much we bring to the table with our kids. So basically it starts by really almost like taking data of like your hard times. Like I always remember my dad's like the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
00:31:20
Speaker
I use that for so many different things. But he really meant because I kept bruising like my hip on like the doorknob. But anyway, if you realize that you always lose it right before bed and you just continue to do that, what like you're missing out.
00:31:38
Speaker
to me, that's such like a motivator that like I don't need to go into the same situation And it'd be so terrible, right? Like when we're dysregulated, there's no good from that. And so I think there' like to use it as a window, like how can I change it? Even if you don't reflect on yourself, like how can I change this? Even if you start out by being like, I need to create a visual routine and that will solve the problems. Or I need to start bedtime an hour early.
00:32:02
Speaker
You'll soon realize along the way of switching things up how you play a part in that. Because if you're like the solution is an hour earlier, you'll realize what roadblocks are in the way of the hour earlier. It's probably like you have a hard time being somewhere on time or allocating this time or, you know, that making dinner is it. You'll realize along the way, like what is standing in your way.
00:32:26
Speaker
And so that's like sort of, I'd say the starting point is really looking at your hard times with your kids and not just continuously doing the same thing. That's the first step. Just where can you make changes?
00:32:38
Speaker
yeah And then I think you'll realize, you know. That's good. That actually is what I was talking with that mom mentioned earlier yesterday about about that. She's like, what am I supposed to, like, we were talking about how to help him understand himself. um And I was like, she was like, do I, you know, bring it up a lot? Or like, if he's upset, do I say this is what we talked about? How can we fix it? And I was like, I think...
00:33:03
Speaker
less do less just start to help him notice like so the first thing is just noticing like you're not you don't need to come up with a plan for yourself of like okay i need to change everything to stop losing it you could just be like oh like that even is mindfulness to be like i just realized i yell every day at 6 15 or you know what a language is Yes. I mean, there's so much more stress that can come with like, okay, but my whole day is a hard time and I have to change everything. Like that's not what I mean either. And that I probably been there.
00:33:38
Speaker
It's just an awareness first and not even like making any changes.
Incremental Changes for Stress Reduction
00:33:42
Speaker
Just I'm aware that like we need to switch things up right now is the first step. And then even if you just switch up how you ask them to brush their teeth, like you realize this isn't an overnight thing and this is a journey we're on a relationship we're building with ourselves, with our kids. And then when we try to just any relationship, you don't have a one night stand and then you get married or if you do your rarity, but but you know, you have to think of it that way, that this is like a journey we're on.
00:34:15
Speaker
Yeah. Something we're building with our kids and ourselves. Okay, you said something about what your dad always says. i think of something my dad always says, and it's fight for your weaknesses and they're yours.
00:34:27
Speaker
And sometimes when I've said that to people, they're like, wait, what? and And I'm like, oh, it means like, if you want, like, if you're going to be the one that's like, but, but, but I can't, I can't, I can't. It's like, you have them. I'm not going to try and convince you like you claimed that as truth. Like, yeah, you don't have time and you you can't you can't change and you can't add meditating. So I like I'm thinking about that when I'm like thinking about even myself as like, oh, she's she can do this. But like, I can't. It's like, OK, then you're right.
00:34:55
Speaker
Oh my God, no. and And I should have said that, like, you know, I was just speaking about how much it's never too late because I was doing a workshop on building confidence and or I don't remember our routines. I don't know. I did a few talks recently and someone's like, is it ever too late? And I was like, just like us where it's like the end of January, this was last week.
00:35:14
Speaker
Do you know how many times... I've had a week where something I said I was going to do doesn't get done, you know, all these plans for the new year. and it's not too late, even If three days go by and you didn't meditate, it's not like, all right, I and i can't meditate.
00:35:32
Speaker
yeah You just have to keep similar to like exercising, you know, or just any change. It's not like there's so many weeks where I wanted to do this like 21 day challenge of meditating with something i was listening to. And there's so many weeks that I was like, do I just continue even though i skip three days? No, I'm going to start at one.
00:35:50
Speaker
And so I have never gotten past, I think, like day nine because it just feels too piecemeal and it's okay. Yeah. Can you imagine? I'm like thinking of like a baby. can you imagine if we're like, well, they took two steps, but it doesn't really count. like' It's only going to count if they can walk across the entire room. and But we're not like that. We're like, yay, you did two today. And then sometimes babies don't do it for another week. And then they take 10 steps. Like we need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and then treating ourselves like a baby be like yay you did it you did it absolutely oh I'm totally when I say like I meditate five out of seven days like it's sometimes like in the uber halfway through that is it's really not no I'm not like 5 a.m m like kumbayaing
00:36:39
Speaker
every morning. No, no, no. That's what I had to learn with my morning routine. I was like, you got a journal right away, three pages, you know like I once read the artist's way, you know, that book.
00:36:50
Speaker
No, but I'm like nervous to read it now. and No, but it's like you got it tells you like once a week. Well, actually, yeah, you should be nervous to read it because it's like it tells you once a week these things you like add on. And so you have to do three pages right away when you wake up. And then also like you got to meditate. And then I was like,
00:37:05
Speaker
you know what this is making me do? Hate waking up. So like, so then I saw a girl like made a menu for herself. I saw a TikTok video and it was like menu and it was like one of these things like sit and have hot tea, journal, meditate, like pick one that looks good to you. Then like the next thing is go for a walk, do your makeup. And it's like,
00:37:26
Speaker
realizing that it doesn't have to look a certain way like for me I have realized that oh doing makeup is mindful for me I feel like calm doing it and so I'm like okay then don't complain about having to get ready that is part of your morning routine that's so I'm trying yes yes and then I also read something similar to that that When you're doing something and it brings frustration, that's not the point.
00:37:53
Speaker
Yeah. Right? Like use your nervous system as data. It's actually helps me with so many things. Like I actually haven't done makeup in the morning because I was realizing i was like frustrated. But I do love a get ready makeup routine, but just not at that time.
00:38:10
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Just use that as like a data point. Okay, so then my next question is, that before i we get to the end here, um but so use frustration as a data point, but then how do we relate that to building frustration tolerance in ourselves and in kids?
Frustration as a Data Point
00:38:29
Speaker
my God, well, it's just what we were talking about that if you get frustrated at 6.15 every night, you got you have to use that as a data point. What is going on? It's not like it's a full moon and like the universe is like you should not be with your kids at 6.15.
00:38:44
Speaker
It's probably that something's become a little bit unhinged, like maybe it was too late for food or I don't know, whatever it is in your routine. And so that's what I mean by a data point. But you don't need to have like you everyone says the witching hour. It doesn't need to be this frustrating witching hour every night.
00:39:01
Speaker
Nellie, my younger one, who it's so funny, it depends on the day who I'm like focusing on the most. But she before bed is like giggles, jumping. It's so triggering for me.
00:39:12
Speaker
And so now before we get into her room, um like, if you have some sillies, you know that daddy loves doing the sillies with you and like, I'll throw her around and they like, you know, have a pillow fight, things like that. Instead of we go into her room and I'm like, Nellie, you know, I don't know what I would say, but I would get frustrated. And so I think.
00:39:35
Speaker
it's helped me plan. It's not like, Oh, I'm since I get frustrated, like she's now evicted into daddy's space, but it's helped us like create a plan for me. Yeah. And then I think in terms of like our kids tolerance, same thing. I mean, it really has helped me with executive functioning. Like I'll never forget, you know, and I'll ramble for a second. Like my teachers over the summer, like whenever we would be done teaching an outdoor class, which is super grueling.
00:40:00
Speaker
Yes.
Turning Frustration into Bonding
00:40:01
Speaker
The first thing we want to do is just like throw everything into the bins. But I was like, think of our future selves, how frustrated we're going to be tomorrow morning. yeah And so helping you plan to like sort of eliminate later frustration and similar to my kids it's helped us with like cleaning off being responsible for things when things are lost like so I think there's a frustration tolerance to build of course but I think what we're talking about is different and it's ways to like troubleshoot frustrating repeated frustrated times you know yeah yeah and I think also like remembering you know your kids and yourself so it like doesn't have to look a certain way like you can make up the playbook as you're going yeah like we have a seventh grader and you know we had to do a family event that she did not want to do and I also didn't want to do it and and actually none of us wanted to do it and we did it anyway and then we like walked out we were walking to the car
00:40:57
Speaker
And I was just like doing this like thing where I was just like, just smiling, just being like, we just did it And it was like, what do you thinking of right now? And is like, that I want to scream. And so then like we got in the car and then we all screamed. my God. I love that.
00:41:12
Speaker
I know, and we, like, laughed. And, like, that's, like, i was, like, oh, my gosh. I feel like that was such, like, a core memory for all of us then that was, like, oh, it's, like, we don't have to be mad at each other. None of us wanted to be there. i love what you just said.
00:41:27
Speaker
ah Okay, so let's recall everything we've talked about, right? there's no perfect way to do anything. Kids don't need it to be perfectly done. They just need opportunities for communication and repair.
00:41:42
Speaker
We can't help kids regulate if we are dysregulated. and our nervous system affects the entire family dynamic. So So you better be meditating. No. what why Oh my God. I'm dying. That like that all kind of sounds really like heavy and
Learning and Adapting as Parents
00:42:01
Speaker
daunting. But what I really think it should sound like that Nothing needs to be figured out and tied in a bow, I say. And that really we should kind of zoom out and think we're doing this for the first time too. Right. I love that so much. And that's really what it means is like if we're doing this for the first time and we don't take the opportunity to like reflect on that or be like, where can i learn?
00:42:26
Speaker
Because this is my first time we miss out. And I think it's such a great thing for our kids to see too, like to know that we are just like them doing this for the first time. They're kids for the first time. We're parents for the first time.
00:42:41
Speaker
And I think telling them that is a great thing, too. like Like, in maybe that repair time, be like, sorry, did I do this okay? I'm also learning. I say that with reading, too, when parents are like, they are shutting down and reading. And I'm like, you need to tell them, like, you're learning the spelling rule at the same time as them. say Like, they think we know how to do everything. But think it's so freeing for kids to know that we we also don't know how to do everything.
00:43:07
Speaker
Absolutely. It really is. Yeah. They love that. They love knowing like, okay, yeah you know, nothing's wrong with me. Right. I said the other day to said tween, teenager now, um I was like, oh, cool. Can I do that Lego set with you? And she was like,
00:43:26
Speaker
Yeah, i guess. And I was like, I've never done a Lego set before. And she's like, oh, yeah definitely. And it was that shift of like, are you being annoying and trying to like be like a cool like parent and like whatever you're to being like, I want to learn something and you can help me through that. It's like, oh, I would love to do that.
00:43:48
Speaker
Yes. You're reminding of how amazing that is when kids can feel like they're giving us a teaching moment. Yeah. yeah Okay. I heard you on your podcast recently talk about this. So I think it'd be fun to end with this. You were talking about how much of a hot mess week you were having a couple of weeks ago. So do you have a moment that you have been a hot mess this week?
00:44:12
Speaker
My God, I think honestly, like it should be a regularly scheduled programming, like hot mess recap because it's every week. I mean, I know this isn't like me necessarily, but we had this leak and i made the mistake.
00:44:31
Speaker
of so the leak happened in our kitchen um and then in the bath the other day the girls you know I was like open the drain like you know in the middle because it was starting to fill up I was on the other side and they were like Oh my God, if we don't, it's going to flood. Or I made the mistake of being like, cause it will overflow.
00:44:50
Speaker
And then anyway, I was on the phone with the super being like, if we, if you, if someone doesn't clean this, like our kitchen's going to be flooded. Anyway, now I've created a fear of flooding. And so the girls are like so crazy about the bath and pulling up the drain. And it was like a fear I created because they overheard a conversation. I feel like it's like a hot mess thing because now i have to like walk through every night how like our bathroom's not going to flood. But I'm going to have a flood in the house.
00:45:17
Speaker
Right. Like our apartment's not going to be submerged. But yeah. i What about you? ah Well, I was going to say, I think about that all the time that when I, i have two little sisters that are 20 and 19 and now they are. And when they were babies, like two and three, i was watching them and I wasn't like, I was, you know, doing my homework or something. I was in high school and ah they flooded the sink and I, I reacted. I was like, you're going to break the house.
00:45:50
Speaker
and And I literally think about that every time someone says flood or like I i like think about that moment that I'm like, oh, my god And they were like so scared. They're like, we're going to break that. Right. Like we say these like or we'll say it flippantly to other people like I did to the super like our kitchen, you know, just realizing the way we use words and stuff around kids has been I feel like.
00:46:16
Speaker
the hot mess theme this week. Like I'm thinking of so many examples that I'll save for other times. I i guess my my actual one this week is that I was going to pick something up at my sister-in-law's and I who went to the wrong house. The houses all look the same on their block.
00:46:33
Speaker
And I was, like, not paying attention. And I, like, parked in the driveway next to them. And I literally even took a picture. Like, they have, like, a sign in the front. And I was like, oh, my gosh, look at this cute sign that, like, our nieces made and, like, sent it. And then I was, like, rang the doorbell. And then i like, looked in and I was like, oh, my God, that's not their living room. I'm at the wrong house. but Oh, my god We've all had a moment like that where we've like been inside the wrong home mar har or car. do you ever go in the wrong?
00:47:09
Speaker
The amount of times I've been like in someone's car thinking it's an Uber and they're like, hi. oh my gosh. I love it. Wow. Okay, Jenny, where can people find you if they want to learn more? And also they should at at the very least for your outfit inspo. But obviously for so much more, but um where tell people where they can find you.
00:47:33
Speaker
I love that because I do love clothes and expressing yourself through what you wear. But you can find me at Jenny Moness, J-E-N-N-I-E-M-O-N-N-E-S-S. So many double letters. I like that. That's so cool. And my podcast, We Didn't Turn Out Okay, available on all you know places where you listen to your podcast. And if you're in the city, come to Union Square Play.
00:48:00
Speaker
And if you want to implement new routines to bring you sanity and products that help family life, visit us at charmspring.com. You just reminded me, I got to get a charm spring. Those are so cute. So yay. And I got to also come to Union Square play. Please, next time you're in the city, absolutely. And tell me, yeah, I'll help you with which charm spring board.
00:48:24
Speaker
Okay, perfect. Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much. This was so fun. It makes me want to like hang up and then call you to talk more about hot mess moments. So thank you. Thank you.
00:48:36
Speaker
oh