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Are We Okay? (No.) Mental Health- Episode 3
161 Plays19 days ago
Ali and Khalil dive into the messiness of mental health—why we ignore it, how we cope (or don’t), and the wild ways people try to “help.” From therapy horror stories to cultural stigma, we’re breaking down the mental health struggles we all pretend we have under control. Are we healing, or just vibing through the chaos? Let’s discuss.
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Transcript
Ideal Party Venues and Etiquette
00:00:06
Speaker
Last night was super fun. Oh my god. Yeah? It was so much fun. It was pure techno. like And I love that it wasn't like... Are you at the venue?
00:00:17
Speaker
I love the venue. It's like... Imagine like you're in a basement. that's made of concrete and there's like a DJ in the center and everyone's around the DJ kind of vibe.
00:00:30
Speaker
And so but this is my venue requirements though. Can I yeah tell we talk about all of them and then you can talk about those requirements in relations to this venue. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Coat check needs to, i like ideally it's free. Like I like a free standing coat rack where I can just put shit or like if there's a good coat culture of like putting your coat somewhere.
00:00:51
Speaker
um The bathroom situation, like enough bathrooms. I also like, I like having someone kind of regulate the bathroom line, like school board person employed or volunteering.
00:01:02
Speaker
The lighting, it needs to be dark. on the dance floor know and this is like maybe a premium thing but I like somewhere where there's free water a comfy place to sit and like honestly party I've seen parties give out lollipops and I think that's great yeah and then a good accessible smoking area that has heating Okay,
Drug Culture and Personal Experiences
00:01:27
Speaker
interesting. i I agree with most of that.
00:01:29
Speaker
Disagree with some. Coachek, I feel like has to be like an employee. I don't want it to just be hung up because somebody's going to steal your jacket. Like these people are drunk leaving the party. They're going to take whatever they see.
00:01:43
Speaker
You know what I mean? When I go out, I purposely bring, I have this shitty old ugly big jacket. So, and it's all like, I do think like that. I'm like, oh, this is the jacket where I'm like, I don't care if someone steals them. I see. I think they like, it so I like nothing's in the pockets ever.
00:01:57
Speaker
I see. I see. That makes sense. If you're willing to lose it, but then you're going to be uncomfortable in the cold. But At least you didn't lose an important jacket. But then also the bathroom situation. I don't want there to be an attendance.
00:02:09
Speaker
Because what if you're going in to do like a bump of something with friends? There's cool attendance. Like the parties that are giving out lollipops are also the parties that are like, you can the here's the space to do a bump.
00:02:22
Speaker
I see. Yeah. like Okay. I guess another thing is a good drug culture is nice when they accept that people can do drugs in anywhere. Yes. Agreed. Agreed. Bathroom. i i agree with you. I think there needs to be urinals, even though I understand the concept because like the club that we went to yesterday was just stalled.
00:02:41
Speaker
And it was like that though. But the problem is, is that then it takes so much longer for guys that can literally just pee and get out, you know? Yeah, I guess there's enough people. i Personally, I'm just a shy peer, so I don't even use the i won't use the urinal anyway.
00:02:56
Speaker
I see. I got you. I got you. What else is like a requirement? Dark, definitely. like I don't like when there's like enough light that I can see people next to me. I don't want i i don't want to be perceived. I'm just there to dance.
00:03:08
Speaker
That's why I wear sunglasses. Yes, especially if you're like doing Molly or something. I don't want people to look at me and think. like I just want to be in my own world. You party sober or did you party sober last night? last night we took Molly.
00:03:22
Speaker
Okay. I'm never, I can't. Well, I do Molly like once year, but I'm a horse. Yeah. I, we don't do it very frequently. We were just like, you know what? Valentine's day. Let's do it. It was fun. So you only do Molly together now.
00:03:36
Speaker
That's a rule. No, it's not a rule. And we've done it separately. I just prefer to do it together because I feel like the best part about Molly is coming home after.
Personal Reflections and Growth with Psychedelics
00:03:46
Speaker
Like, not to be TMI, but you get what I'm saying? And like, it's nice. sick but like That's the best feeling I don't have fun on Molly like that. i actually like don't get, I don't get the horny like, oh, I want to be touched by people.
00:03:58
Speaker
I just have like, I have butterflies the whole time. That's sweet. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Like that feeling, the bubbly feeling. But again, I would like there to be somebody I want to share that with. You know what I mean? No, that feeling is unsettling to me. i want it to go away.
00:04:14
Speaker
Why is it unsettling? It just feels like, you know, and you have you ever been on a swing? Yeah. And you know when you're like coming down on the swing and that feeling? Oh, that's a perfect description. That's a perfect description of what it feels like. It's so uncomfortable to me. I can't like, i it's uncomfortable. It just feels like discomfort. and I feel like I lean into that discomfort.
00:04:36
Speaker
And part of, as I'm sure you know, like part of taking drugs is you do have to work on your mindset. As in like, you can easily shift the path of a trip.
00:04:47
Speaker
based on where you want it to go like i've previously taken like a quarter of a thing of like a bump of molly and i felt like i could trick my body into experiencing what that felt like that high and magnifying it do you know what i mean no okay but i think i's like i must say i'm more I think everyone has different, like the way everyone metabolizes drugs is very differently, right? That's true. Like I just know I lean towards psychedelics.
00:05:19
Speaker
And I know like a lot of people don't like the kind of cerebral psychedelic situation, but I love it. yeah i forget i I love it. I love it. I love it as well.
00:05:30
Speaker
Speaking of drugs, I'm curious. I wanted to ask you like about weed and how you started smoking weed. and I'm only fascinated because you're the only person I know who can smoke as much as you do and completely be normal. like You're still functional. Because I literally will have two puffs and I can't do anything.
00:05:52
Speaker
I still look really pretty today. Yeah, the light is like hitting. Did you notice new haircut? I didn't. ah hair Okay. Your hair looks a no, but I feel like you've always had that mullet. It looks hot. Thank you, Habibi. I did just get it refaded or whatever.
00:06:09
Speaker
but i feel like you should understand, though. like i'm not goingnna like You should always know that your default is hot. like You are a hot guy. Habibi, that's so sweet. Thank you. I'm going to say something mean now, though.
00:06:21
Speaker
I feel like I'm the called personality of the podcast. I'm also not that I'm the hot.
00:06:31
Speaker
The people are going to be like... Fine, I'll take being hot. I feel like you're like you're like vanilla ice cream and I'm black licorice. I'm the least vanilla.
00:06:42
Speaker
ah Well, in a sense that it's boring, but you're more palatable. Wait, you're licorice? Black licorice. I like black licorice. But you're like weird things. sure i Everyone's like, oh, I love vanilla ice cream. why i i it I feel like black licorice, I'm more like polarizing. I feel like- I got you. I can see that.
00:07:03
Speaker
I can see that. in our dynamic you kind of have like a sting when you first take a bite but then you're like oh this is new and interesting and if you don't like the flavor you're not gonna like the flavor and i'm not changing that's true so let's um but wait you didn't answer my question okay wait let's start the podcast hello everyone's all of people podcast welcome back fadiel and ali we're doing mental health slash i want to disclaimer this go ahead um because I really want to talk my shit today. I want to be in my like BPD like era where I'm just going to... Don't take this seriously. If you're a mentally um ill person who's on the edge, yeah click off the video.
00:07:49
Speaker
Don't listen to our advice. ah Not mental health professionals. Everything I say that's illegal is a joke. yes And I didn't actually mean it. Yeah, clickbait, not clickbait. Khalil tells our audience to kill themselves.
00:08:01
Speaker
And if you're upset, that's going to be the title of this episode. The thing is, it's like one day if we actually have a successful podcast, like someone's going to be. Yeah, they're going to come for us. People are going to come for us. And it's like the thing is, like, you really need to understand.
00:08:16
Speaker
i will always win the I don't give a fuck war. Like if there's yeah one thing. OK, so ah let me let me start. with I did DMT this past week. And like for people who don't understand DMT split, like it's a really like psychedelic drug that's like used in a lot of therapies and go Google it. There's some, there's some real science behind this shit.
00:08:36
Speaker
So I did DMT thinking like I wanted to like self-improve. I was like, I want to be more of a patient person. I want to be more of a kind person. I want to be more of a loving person. And then I thought I would get all this like trauma that would come up and like all these things that it has to fix.
00:08:50
Speaker
And then literally the DMT kind of really like boosted my ego in a way that it was like, why are you dehumanizing yourself comparing yourself to this perfect person? Like, I feel like the DMT helped me realize that's like you genuinely love yourself, the good and the bad.
00:09:06
Speaker
What is your what do you mean by perfect person? like I feel like it's like I always try to be... a like you're oh like
Therapy, Mental Health, and Personal Relationships
00:09:13
Speaker
I'm always hard on myself. like if ah If something goes wrong, it's like, oh, I shouldn't do that in the future.
00:09:18
Speaker
And here is how I'm going to not do that in the future. And it's like, and it is okay to adapt and learn about how to work with someone, but I think it's also okay to just admit to yourself that it's like, I'm going to make another mistake again. we like Me and you have had beef about yeah um essentially you... And we're both very confrontational.
00:09:40
Speaker
but Yes. Like it's essentially it always comes down to kind of me being more aggressive and abrasive. And me misunderstanding your intention. Exactly. And I feel like that is not, it's like, we're like, we're going to do our best to avoid it, but it's like, I'm never going to not.
00:09:56
Speaker
And it's like, I'm always going to be abrasive. And I think I, I like that we're able to hash it out. Like we don't, I'm not going to let that build into resentment because I hate hiding how I feel about something.
00:10:09
Speaker
Well, other thing is also, yeah, I'm the very, the same way. I'm never lying about how I'm feeling like, yeah, that's just, I mean, we're, yeah, we're both like that. So I think we're pretty committed to solving a problem.
00:10:20
Speaker
Yeah, I have halloumi in my lap as an emotional support animal for today. and case this episode gets too difficult. I think it'll be positive. It'll be positive. It'll be fine.
00:10:31
Speaker
i Because wait, I want to go back to the DMT thing. Yes, that's I was Yeah, how did you first of all, who told you to do it? Where did you do it? How did you do it? How is it consumed? Is it a pill? Is it a drink?
00:10:46
Speaker
Okay, so I have a friend who has had a lot of really good experiences on DMT and she's like constantly trying to, she's been pushing this on our friend group for a while. And then she um there is like um some therapists like that she has her PhD or master's.
00:11:02
Speaker
She was like in um our city. So shes like, and she's like also like kind of like a shaman. Like she sources this DMT. um Like it's really like, it's ethical and it's vegan because DMT actually comes from like frog.
00:11:14
Speaker
But like she has it sourced from something where it's like they like and have it synthesized from like melatonin because apparently they're very similar in structure. um So anyway, so I did it with this therapist lady who um we like did like an intention setting thing before.
00:11:34
Speaker
And then like we set up the space um to like lay down and like there was soft music and soft light. And then like she explained to me the whole process and like um safety, like, like, oh, if you're feeling this way, we have this. If you're doing it, I tell you, there's a bucket.
00:11:50
Speaker
Did she tell you you might shit ah or puke? Yeah. So there is like a bucket. Okay. Wow. um And we had like fruit after because she's like, you're really going to want some fruit after. And then so she explained like whatever, blah, blah, blah. And she blew it up to my nose.
00:12:03
Speaker
And we did it in three doses. Does food taste better on DMT? I think fruit. Fruit. Specifically. Okay. and i really It really did hit.
00:12:15
Speaker
It really did hit after. i love when food hits. Did it taste the better? It's like kind of like food hits better during Ramadan, you know? Okay. When you're like really hungry and like you're just like, oh, it's so good. Yes.
00:12:26
Speaker
Yes, yes, yes. Okay, carry on. So yeah, i did the DMT and like I was laying on the floor and then, yeah, I was just like, i the first memory I had was like with my dad.
00:12:39
Speaker
And I feel like I kind of have maybe been villainizing my dad more often in my mind, but it was just like, I remember like in elementary school, we had these like walking days. I don't know, something about walking.
00:12:50
Speaker
And I just remember, like, we we used to walk around my school, and I was like, oh, that was such a good time. That's so cute. So it was
Mortality, Control, and Life's Unpredictability
00:12:56
Speaker
so sweet to have, like a ah like, it was all very positive, and it was very much like I let go a lot of ah a lot of shame and a lot of guilt.
00:13:04
Speaker
um And that's what I mean about doing things wrong, about being like, oh, I was, because I fight with my mom in the DMs. I'm like, oh, I was too mean to her there. It's like, no, it's okay to be mean. like you don't have It doesn't mean you have to be mean all the time or continue being mean.
00:13:21
Speaker
but i also And also when it comes to parents, I feel like i she's an adult. Yeah. ah but i'm i'm not here to I'm not here to discuss her actions. I'm here to talk about how I feel when I do something that is negative.
00:13:34
Speaker
Where it's like, you don't have to, I feel like I was crucifying myself all the time for like negative things. Like being like, no, don't do that. No, don't do that. And it's like, yeah i just need to let that go. Like, I'm trying.
00:13:48
Speaker
Right, right. Like if I was my own boss, it's like, girl, you need to ease up. Yeah, honestly, that sounds like such a good experience. I'm always down to try things at least once, except maybe like heroin.
00:14:01
Speaker
But um yeah, needles. I will never I can't do Ozempic because I would never be able to do that. should you. ah Nor should you. Because honestly, even with Ozempic, I feel like who knows what's going to happen in 10 years.
00:14:15
Speaker
Like we still don't know the long term effects of using it or as a weight loss drug. It's supposed to That aside, like I don't want to be nauseous. That, the yeah. And also. run And also, I don't know about you, but I love food.
00:14:28
Speaker
I think it doesn't work on people that just love food because you'll end up overeating even if you're full. i've my My ex has talked about this before, having like an obese pay a patient on Ozempic.
00:14:41
Speaker
Yeah. And it is like guilty they just you keep eating. and they're like And then this person came in being like, why am I feeling nauseous? And tried to lie about being on Ozempic. And then he spent ah wasted all this time and then figured out you're a literally on Ozempic? Like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Come on. Yeah.
00:15:00
Speaker
um I don't think and it won't matter. This person is an emergency room physician. And like so much of what they tell me is like, I don't think the issue sometimes with healthcare is funding. Like the issue is always the public and the fact that they're fucking idiots.
00:15:16
Speaker
Yeah. And I'm going to be so honest. Like most people that follow me online, I don't like you. I don't respect you. I think you're ugly. Like I don't care about, I don't give a shit. Wait, most of the people that follow you or you follow them?
00:15:29
Speaker
and Follow me. okay Maybe I follow you actually just because like i it happened, but like i really don't care. like i don't like Honestly, I look at what people are posting and I'm like, how did you look at that and think that people needed to see this? like Didn't you think it was ugly? Didn't you think this looked bad? like You have no taste. What's wrong with you? like But what if they were just trying to express themselves?
00:15:54
Speaker
Express yourself better. Be better. Like, I really think it's like, why are people not trying to be better? Like, the tools are there. And it's like, I understand that ah key the way people learn things differently.
00:16:09
Speaker
But the issue is, it's it's like most of you don't seem like you have the drive to even want to learn things. Like people actively do not like when information comes towards them.
00:16:20
Speaker
They like want to stay in ignorance. I think it's more so that they tend to like hearing the sound of their own voice. So they'll like be in echo chambers very frequently and just listen to the same thing over and over again, as opposed to like trying to get information from other sources.
00:16:36
Speaker
And that to me is just like, by i but that is not, it's not respectable. It's not interesting to me. Like you're just, yeah okay, like your life is yours. I'm so down to let people live their lives and do whatever they want.
00:16:48
Speaker
But in terms of like what I'm going to do, where I'm going to like give my kindness to what I'm going to pour myself into is like, I'm going to be choosy. I'm very choosy about it. And I like, the thing is, again, I'm always going to win the, I don't give a fuck war.
00:17:03
Speaker
Right, right, right. Yeah. But I, okay. So to go back to the DMT, how would you rate it? Like, would you say it's an experience you would want to do again? Would you recommend it to people?
00:17:14
Speaker
I would recommend it to people because I think it's like a good, like guy, like it's a good therapy. Like a what what I'm saying, I'm like, I want people to do it. Cause it's like you bitches need to be better.
00:17:27
Speaker
so And like, it's a good, I think having someone handhold you through it is nice for me personally, because I've done a lot of psychedelics before I on i feel like taking a tab of acid is the same thing, but okay through a much longer period.
00:17:41
Speaker
So DMT is nice because it's like you're not strapped in for eight hours. Right. But ACID is really accessible and I don't mind being strapped in for eight hours. Me too, especially if I plan my whole day around it.
00:17:52
Speaker
like i I'm going to a rave on ACID. I actually love staying at home on acid, like literally like painting, writing, watching music videos. That's so much fun.
00:18:04
Speaker
But i yeah I've done it in a rave before. and Doing anything. Yeah. I want to go back to the weeds thing now because I'm really curious. Like, when did you start smoking weed and how frequently do you smoke it?
00:18:17
Speaker
um I started with edibles. probably and And it was probably I mean, it was I was like in university. Maybe I was 21. Okay.
00:18:29
Speaker
okay i think. Okay. That was older than me when you started. Yeah, because I was like, i was a really good, good boy. Wow.
00:18:40
Speaker
I think I started when I was 18. I wasn't like... i Yeah, i didn't take a sip of alcohol until I turned 18. I never really gave a shit about substances. And then all of a sudden, I did when I was like an adult. so um yeah I started with edibles in Winnipeg where I grew up living them with my parents because like smoking is hard living with parents.
00:18:59
Speaker
and everyone Oh my God, I used to have so much fun because everyone in my house would fall asleep and it'd be like midnight and then I'd pop an edible and I would just like... and would like i don't If anyone is remembers their first highs, like it's so I would just like make sure I had really good fucking food and maybe playing the video games, just hanging out in my room. I'm curious, did you perfect purposefully stay up late to do edibles and double bulls and like have a whole day to yourself because you're trying to avoid your family?
00:19:28
Speaker
Yes. Okay. Because I know a lot of people that live with their parents that will do this. They will literally flip their sleep schedule just to see them as little as possible, which is very understandable. I would do the same if I was at home.
00:19:41
Speaker
Exactly. Exactly. So it's like the kitchen is like open, the living, like everything's open. don't want worry about anybody. You're being perceived by your own family. You're just doing your thing, having fun.
00:19:52
Speaker
Yeah. That sounds like such a good time. ah hundred percent. And then i and then i just, when I moved to Vancouver, i don't know how I, it was definitely like a gradual thing.
00:20:03
Speaker
And then it's kind of like, it I mean, it's literally an addiction. Like I am addicted to weed and I'm okay with that. Like I love my addiction to weed. But I think it's like one day it's just like I woke up and I was just like smoking a weed every day. Like you do the whole wake and bake thing. Like you wake up and start. Oh my God. I love it. I literally cry thinking about like when I was in Mexico, like I would literally crying happy tears being like I'm smoking weed in the sun and eating good food. And just like I love being outside in the morning because I'm a morning person or like sunrise.
00:20:36
Speaker
and smoking weed. Like one time I literally went to one of my favorite hookups was not even because of the hookup, but he lived kind of nearby me, but I live like below a hill and he lived like up on the hill. So I like went to go hook up with this guy around like four in the morning.
Self-Perception and Empowerment
00:20:50
Speaker
And then right when I came out, I still had like a joint with me and the sun was coming up and I was like, I like went up to this perch and just like watch the sunrise and like smoked my little joint. And I was like,
00:21:01
Speaker
oh thank god that guy got me out of bed so i could do this like it that's really nice that's really nice oh my cat just jumped off my lap uh that's so sweet i feel like yeah i've had such amazing experiences on weed but again i don't know how you're able to oh how much do you smoke so that was my other question i go through 28 in two weeks okay How many joints does that make?
00:21:27
Speaker
I guess that's maybe a better question because I'm not sure what 28 grams is. People have asked me that. I don't know. I should count how many. I should do that. Count how many joints I smoke a day.
00:21:38
Speaker
o Okay, let me. so Okay, I can math it out really quick. Yeah, yeah. How quickly can you roll a joint? I feel like I need to smoke a joint for every like three hours I'm awake. Wow. A whole joint.
00:21:51
Speaker
I'm assuming like it's a, would you call it like a proper doobie? Or do you just like have like a half a joint size like this big? it could vary it could really vary is the grammy the grams is better let's say i'd be like happy oh wait i could actually i could i could i could uh like let's say six joints a day okay yeah like half gram joints so they're like maybe like the size of a ah regular size bic lighter got you got you and i'm curious if you stop do you feel withdrawal symptoms like do you feel irritable yes anxious
00:22:29
Speaker
Not anxious. I'll just feel irritable and a little nauseous. But it's like, it's very overcomable. Okay, so about mental health and wellness, I had a few things I was very curious about.
00:22:41
Speaker
Did you ever see a psychiatrist? Yes. That's a shady fucking question. no. I only ask because I saw a psychiatrist. Oh, maybe not a psychiatrist, but I've seen someone with a doctorate and they were a family therapist. Okay, that's Yeah.
00:23:03
Speaker
No, i would never seen that I've never seen a medical psychiatrist. So when I came out to my mom, she insisted i go see a psychiatrist. And we went yeah together and it was in Jordan.
00:23:13
Speaker
And I share this because it's honestly looking back, I'm like, this is hilarious. At the time, it was not funny. But ah we enter his office and everywhere you look, there are like Quran, like verses from the Quran, like on the wall.
00:23:27
Speaker
whereas And this is in Jordan, obviously. So then I go in first by myself into the office and it's this crotchety old man. I forget his name. this I was maybe like 19 or 20.
00:23:39
Speaker
And he I sit down on the chair and he's like, so like what brings you here today? I'm like, oh, I'm here because my mom wanted me to be here. And he's like, why'd she want you to be here? And it's like she thinks there's something wrong with me that's like affecting my life.
00:23:53
Speaker
And then he's like not looking at me the whole time. He's like writing things down. And then finally he's like, what is it exactly that she's upset about? And then it's like that I'm gay, that I'm not attracted to women.
00:24:05
Speaker
And it's distressing her. So then he said, he drew a line. And he was like, if this is homosexual and this is straight, where do you see yourself on the spectrum?
00:24:16
Speaker
And I said, fully like gay His response was, oh, alhamdulillah, at least you don't show. Like, at least you're straight passing, is what he said. Like, he was like, I would never have guessed.
00:24:28
Speaker
So he was like, you can keep hiding it. Like, you're doing the best that you can. You're trying to make your parents proud. You need to, like, not act on it. He asked me, he was like, did you ever act on it?
00:24:39
Speaker
And I lied and said no, even though I had been sucking, like, dicks left and right. And he was like, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. You know, like it was so yeah problematic where I'm like, wow, you're a doctor and you're actually like, you're not supposed to assume I'm saying anything honestly. You know what I mean?
00:24:57
Speaker
So you shouldn't. The thing is, yeah, go ahead. What you're describing, that same conversation is literally like the exact same conversation I've had with my parents. So it's like, you're right. It's like these this is a professional and they're saying the same shit. Yeah, it's like what? you This is so not how I would deal with like a traumatized person.
00:25:14
Speaker
gay kid but anyway he told me I was like the one good thing that came out of that was I told him I was a listen you and I both know this is never gonna change and I was grateful that he was in the school of thought of like being gay is an affliction that is not curable is how he thinks about it well if he's a man of science yeah you would see that they've tried and there are men of science who think conversion is still a thing but they really um Because it's just like, ah you look at the results and they don't work.
00:25:46
Speaker
like it did je Like, genuinely. Like, I'm just i' being yeah honest. People have tried and the results just aren't there. Right. right now Otherwise, if there was, there would literally be like an FDA treatment for homosexuality because it's like they tried.
00:26:00
Speaker
No, but victim is the thing is, I think they view homosexuality like pedophilia, where it's like an affliction where they're like, don't act on it and you'll be all right.
00:26:11
Speaker
You know, like they think it's suppressable, but I, which that's a whole other. i should was so Actually, they do think it's like pedophilia, but it's like, it's apples to oranges, right? Like it's the action of having sex with a child is very different. mean actually Obviously, obviously one can give consent. One can't. Yes, obviously.
00:26:29
Speaker
No, I know, but it's just I just think it's like when they bring that up, it's like, how does that even make sense yeah to you? Yeah, yeah. No, I think to them, they just see it as an aversion to nature. So that's how they view pedophilia as well.
00:26:42
Speaker
But anyway, so long story short, he I told him, I was like, the reason why I'm here is because I wanted to show my mom that I am like... I'm like not just being in arguments to You know, I want her to see we tried this.
00:26:56
Speaker
And like they agree. I was like, can you please just tell my mom I'm not going to get married to a woman? And he was like, OK, I can do that. My mom comes in. He tells her that. And then she starts crying. And we never talk about it since.
00:27:08
Speaker
It's been what, like eight years. We have not spoken about it once since then. But the good news is is that she knows. you know Maybe that's my issue because my parents wanted me to do like something similar, like go see conversion therapist doctor because they're like, you have to at least try. You have to at least try. And I was just like...
00:27:29
Speaker
No. Like, I told them yes, but it's like I was just doing that for my own safety. And, like, ultimately, it's I'm not fucking doing that. Like, you can look this up and see that it is unsafe. Like, right the information is out there.
00:27:41
Speaker
Like, I'm holding my same parents to, like, the standards I hold everyone else. Yes. Go be fucking literate. Like, go use your own five fucking senses. Like, tap into your brain.
00:27:52
Speaker
Like, ah old yee yeah I don't think it's possible. I think, no whatever. Yeah. If it's not possible, then like the other, the alternative for me is electric chair. So I, I'm going to stay in the realm of that. It is possible. Yeah. Cause I, unfortunately I like looking back, I also didn't have to agree and go see this person.
00:28:12
Speaker
Like I didn't have to do everything. to make them happy but you know what i mean like it ended up coming out with the same outcome so i guess you're right like it doesn't really make that much of a difference but anyway so you said you have not had a psychiatric experience no i i dodged mine good good it's good good what's your flavor of mental illness tokyo tony okay Like, I feel like, I mean, I've compared my own mom to Tokyo Tony, but I think, like, every gay man is, like, a version of their mom.
00:28:50
Speaker
Interesting. also feel like I see myself in Tokyo Tony. Like, that kind of, like, unfiltered mental illness where I'm just, like... Apparently, being mentally ill is just saying every thought that comes to your head. Yeah. That's what I do.
00:29:04
Speaker
Which Khalil is the queen of, I will agree. Yeah, that's very interesting. I guess... What would mine be? I was thinking more a literal mental illness. I'm an anxious person.
00:29:16
Speaker
I would say anxiety rules my life. Like, I'm... I don't see myself as mentally ill. Okay. I'm not, like, very depressed. I'm not very anxious.
00:29:26
Speaker
Okay. I'm actually, like, believe it or not, I i think I'm chilling. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. That's really good. I'm still getting there. I feel like some days I'm... Like, we literally just watched this movie called Flow.
00:29:38
Speaker
It's about a cat... And it's like an animated movie where there's not a single word. And I was crying the whole time. Tell me why. Like literally nothing happens in this movie. But something like that shit, I don't know what it does. It like taps into some inner thing that I haven't processed and just brings it out.
00:29:57
Speaker
And I start crying. Like I think we talked about this before. I cry a drop of a hat. Especially when comes to me. I think mental health, I don't know. don't No one fucking cancel me for this.
00:30:09
Speaker
But I think it's just narrative. Like, I think everyone is who they are. And I also believe in astrology. So it's like, I think you're a Pisces. And like, every Pisces is like this. Like, they just, they love love. And they're so sappy. And they're so, like, they're just weeping souls.
00:30:23
Speaker
And I think the problem is when people... People judge their experiences. Like, I don't think my life is perfect and I don't think I'm perfect, but it's like, I don't need to, like, it doesn't matter. Like, if, let's say, God forbid, the worst situation happened to in my life, I could be sitting there and it's like, it's the story that you're telling yourself about this. If you tell yourself this is bad over and over and over, you're just going to keep running into it. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. At some point, you have to just be like, this is what it is.
00:30:54
Speaker
If it's bad, you just... I don't know. You laugh at it. You make do. It's like you enjoy... You also enjoy little things. like Because I'm really happy just being in the sun. Yeah. Smoking anything.
00:31:06
Speaker
yeah like Even if it's not weed, if it's a cigarette, I'll be happy. Yeah. I think to to your point, I think self-pity is like the detriment of everyone. Like you shouldn't... Yeah. You should just get your shit together.
00:31:18
Speaker
But to go back to the whole astrology thing, I recently found... out my I actually didn't know I asked my mom like a couple days ago I was born at 9am so that makes me a sun Pisces sun a Virgo moon which totally makes sense for me and a Gemini ascending which also makes sense for me.
00:31:42
Speaker
My mom is a gentleman. Okay. Do you plan really fun dates? Like are you an interim date planner? I'm a planner. I'm usually the one that like wants to make decisions, wants to pick the movie, likes to like, my favorite thing to do is to curate an experience for someone. Oh my God, I love that.
00:31:59
Speaker
Like for example, if there's a movie I really liked, i would rewatch it with people over and over and over again just to see their reactions. Like that's that's always been me. And I'm also very hard to be like for you to introduce something to me.
00:32:13
Speaker
Like if you're like, hey, I really liked this movie. You should watch it. It'll take a lot for me to be able to watch it and allow myself to like it.
00:32:25
Speaker
Because there's always going to be a part of me that's like, this isn't something I found. Oh, yeah. I feel like for me, the but it's like I'll never watch it. If you tell me to watch something, I'm like never, i'll it'll take me like a year to watch it. There'll be like some popular, it's like sometimes I see myself as very like Gen X because there'll be some popular ass song that I like didn't like when it came out.
00:32:45
Speaker
And then two years later, it'll pop up to me and have completely forgot about it. I'm like, oh, what's this song? Like how to come, how come no one's ever told me about this before? And people are like, you're an idiot.
00:32:55
Speaker
yeah But I'm not, okay. You saying that, i'm i I really need to... We need to like party together in New York City. like Yeah, 100%. I love that you love curated experience, so I can just experience that.
00:33:08
Speaker
Yes, yes. Because I'm entertaining. I feel like one of me is is a joy. Yeah. And I feel like I feel the same way about myself. I feel like both of us are really good.
00:33:19
Speaker
I also don't understand people that aren't good at curating experiences. The thing is, it's like I'm not I'm not good at curating experiences, but I always like I'm yes. And if someone tells me to come to something, I'm always like, yes. And I like do my best to participate and like not be like ah Debbie Downer. Right. But then also, like in terms of one on one interactions, I feel like a lot of people don't know how to organize their fun.
00:33:47
Speaker
Like, well, for example, again, we've discussed this before. You tell me something like I like the color blue. I can turn that into a four hour conversation. And it always blows my mind when people just can't do that.
00:34:00
Speaker
Mike, this is so boring. Like, how are you so
Routine, Control, and Coping Strategies
00:34:03
Speaker
boring? But then when it comes to like, I think people there's just people are fundamentally different and it's like some people are not brain people. um And like, that becomes problematic when humans are very brain forward.
00:34:17
Speaker
And like, okay, maybe your thing is you are really good at jumping high or you're a skater or you're like... I don't know, whatever the fuck people are good at when they're stupid. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like... Sorry to all our skaters, jumpers. No, but like, maybe you're you you're a skater and you're smart. But the thing is, it's like, some people are like...
00:34:39
Speaker
Smart is just like a category of things that one person could be good at. yeah And I think the problem is that like, I'm not value judging it. Just because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean I'm better than you. Right. like I do think we need dumb people for the world to Sure.
00:34:57
Speaker
We need people who are, there's dumb doctors or like literally savants who are like neurosurgeons. Yeah, let's let's clarify that you're not talking about smart in terms of like education, but smart as in like,
00:35:10
Speaker
in tune with your ah like your own thinking we're using the definition for what it is that's what intelligence is right being reflective And another thing about me is like if you misinterpret what I say, that is also something that is not my problem.
00:35:22
Speaker
I will clarify, but it's like... See, ice sign I somewhat disagree with that only because i think... it's you but I disagree. I think when you're having a conversation with someone, if you're fully unfiltering yourself or not controlling what you're saying, it it shows the other person that maybe you don't really care necessarily about what they...
00:35:45
Speaker
like mean to you that's how they might unfiltered case unfiltering is like strategic like if i i'm if i'm at a funeral and i'm bored i'm not gonna say i'm bored because i'm not eighty exactly do you know what i mean that's exactly what i mean if if you ask if if you look like shit i'm gonna tell you you look like shit but i'm not gonna tell you you look like shit if you just come in after your mom died i'm gonna tell you you look like shit because it's like we're going out and you look like shit But also, there's also a nice way to do it because you don't know the baggage that that person might carry.
00:36:16
Speaker
Like, that might be their 13th reason, you know? like I have baggage, but if I'm looking fat in an outfit, like, that doesn't fit. It's like, this is not flattering. But would you prefer somebody to be like, Khalil, just letting you know, like, you look great, but the outfit is not doing it for prefer it straight up.
00:36:32
Speaker
Straight up and quick. Be like, that looks like shit. You look like shit in that. Damn. I don't like that. And I'd be like, hey, you know what? Fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But but anyway, i i had I had more shit that I wrote down.
00:36:44
Speaker
Oh, control. I feel like a big part of like wellness is feeling control. How do you feel most in control of your life? When do you feel least in control and most in control?
00:36:59
Speaker
Really? You think it's about control? I think control is the, I feel like I've let go of control. i feel like I just like, just live every day and see what comes. And I have goals that I'm trying to get to, but it's like, it's like, I'm, I want to go from here to here, but like, you know, I might go over here and see what's there. You might go over there and see what's there.
00:37:20
Speaker
And then maybe I don't even want to end up over there. So I'm more just like, I kind of treat my life like it's a TV show. And like, I'm just like watching an episode every day. Interesting. thing Wow. That's so opposite of how i view the world because maybe are you a type A personality? Like, do you feel like?
00:37:39
Speaker
Yeah, I'm like, I'm usually that the leadership, like, I feel like I would take charge in a group. And also like things have to go a certain way, like your way for it to make sense. No, I'm very much like when I'm might when I'm training people, it's like I want you to do this in a way that makes sense to you. But this is what needs to get done. So I'm very much like this is what I this is the final product.
00:37:59
Speaker
I don't give a shit about how you get there. ah here are the parameters. I see. Go do it because I understand everyone's different. I see. I see. I guess my type A manifests in that. I think like, for example, let's say I want to get into law school.
00:38:15
Speaker
There's a path that tells me how I can get there, getting good grades, doing the LSAT, whatever, but blah, blah, blah. blah I'm going to treat that as like that is the only way. Even though conventionally speaking, that is not the only. You get what I'm saying? Like I become very rigid.
00:38:33
Speaker
And it almost like, let's say if any kind of obstacle comes in the way, it like completely halts my progress. So like that manifests and the control that I feel is when things are happening in a routine.
00:38:46
Speaker
Okay. If things are happening exactly the same way every day, I'm happy. But the second, like like, for example, yeah, like, let's say, for example, go to work, come home, gym, come home, eat dinner, sleep.
00:38:59
Speaker
That makes me so happy. The second somebody, like, messages me on that day and is like, hey, do you want to get dinner? I'll want to get dinner with them, but they don't know the price I'm paying.
00:39:10
Speaker
Where inside, I'm like, this is, like, changing the plan that I had already envisioned for myself. Okay, I get that. I think i I can be like that with a with a with the like a plan a person a plan with a person where I'm like, I don't like if I'm being told to be at a place at a time, if it's too last minute, I hate that.
00:39:35
Speaker
I get it. And it's like, I also don't like, like i I mean, the thing is, I don't like being misled. like i just kind of It's like I'm usually, I like knowing what I'm getting into. So it's like... like I just like I feel like I'm not wasting my time if I like didn't want to go to a thing that I thought it was going to be a different thing so it's just like if something's going to be a shit show it's like just tell me when to show up and then it's like then I already know it's going to be a shit show and then it's like I can go along with that yeah but it's just like I like to know so I guess my my control thing is like I'm always asking like I just need to know like i'm nosy and live I don't care about how someone's doing something but it's like I'm gonna ask you why
00:40:12
Speaker
I see. Yeah, yeah. I'm learning that about you as well, as we've discussed. Especially, yeah. Yeah, I love that. Why people are up to things. That makes sense. That makes sense.
00:40:23
Speaker
That does clarify things about you to me as well. um Yeah, well, how how do you feel not in control? I feel like when I'm on vacation, vacation sometimes makes me feel like I'm not in control.
00:40:39
Speaker
Mm-hmm. When like nothing is the way that I'm used to. It's not my bed. It's not the food that I like to eat. As in it's not the food that I'm making. It's like we're eating out every day.
00:40:49
Speaker
That stuff stresses me out. Like even though I'm enjoying my time and I love vacation, I'm still carrying that weight that when I come back home, I don't feel anymore.
00:41:00
Speaker
Does that happen to you? I'm anxious at the beginning of fake of vacations, um mostly because of it's more finances. i'm more just like I get like stressed about money, but then i like I get into vacation mode so quick.
00:41:15
Speaker
um No, and I'm not really like tied to like a bet. Because the thing is, I mean i haven't really had ah home in a long time. So I feel like it's pretty easy for me to just be like ah more of a traveler.
00:41:31
Speaker
It's also just very Sagittarius. Like I feel like I'm always gonna kind of like, I mean, my apartment actually, okay, I lied. When I like gone from my apartment about like, in a month, I'm like, oh, I kind of start missing my like, my space and my routine. Yes, yes.
00:41:47
Speaker
But it takes a month. Okay. Interesting. Interesting. um Do you have anything else to add on that control topic or do you want to move on?
00:41:59
Speaker
I don't have anything else on control. but kind of What kind of mental health support do you like? Okay, so ideally, I want a therapist. Right now, I don't have one because we're moving places.
00:42:12
Speaker
So I didn't want to get one and then have to find another one when I move because they only operate within the state. What kind of therapist do you like? like way ah I like, so my previous therapist, i meannna I think I can say her name, right? like it's it It would be fine, like publicity for her.
00:42:29
Speaker
No, I don't know. I mean... ok fine. She was a Lebanese person um ah living in... Actually, she's American, but she like travels the world. So she was in South America the whole time.
00:42:42
Speaker
She was my therapist for a whole year. And I loved her style because it felt like we were friends. Yeah. We were literally just talking about like my life, my past, but also my present and my future.
00:42:57
Speaker
And I like when we're solution-oriented. like i yeah I want to have a goal in mind. And at the time, the goal that we had set, her and i was that I was going to write a letter in Arabic and give it to my mom, telling her how I feel about certain things that I've never been able to do before.
00:43:15
Speaker
Mind you, I ended up writing the letter, but realizing that the writing of the letter was what I needed, not so much giving it to her because I know that her reaction is not going to be good.
00:43:26
Speaker
Yeah. You know what I mean? so just yeah So just basically being goal oriented with your like therapy or like wellness care. What about you? um I think it's like, I think, um I got this to me all sound crazy, but I had a really, really good therapist, like initially when I first had like the beginning of my trauma.
00:43:46
Speaker
and What is how is your trauma? With like my whole like coming, like I feel like the whole coming out identity, like fighting with my family is kind of like the biggest or like not never feeling accepted as like a k gay kid. And I knew that from a very young age.
00:44:02
Speaker
yeah So like that's kind of my whole thing. But anyway, i had this really good therapist. um ah ah It was like my best friend's aunt. um And she was just like, she just really like instilled, she was always just being like, stay curious, stop having expectations.
00:44:19
Speaker
Like anytime I would have an issue, she'd be like, you know what your problem is? It's because you thought this would happen and then it didn't. And that's, and it just really made me realize like the power of narrative. And then I feel like ever since that, like I, I don't think I need a therapist in that same way. Cause it's like, there's no more tools. I think I, I can learn from a therapist, but what I do like and what I think you can have in almost anybody or like trusted friends or the people for it is like, I'll tell my friends. It's like, okay, I want you to listen and not give advice. Like,
00:44:50
Speaker
I don't don't correct me. yeah Like i I literally will preface this is like I'm about to go off, shut the fuck up and just like listen and agree. Like it's do not like try to blah blah. And then there's sometimes where i'm like, okay, no, I want your opinion.
00:45:03
Speaker
Stop me if I'm being crazy. Like, tell me what you think. Tell me what I should do. absolutely absolutely i think it's like it's like you need to like absolutely it's important to let the other person know like what you need from them yeah and it's good that you're doing that and like the thing is some friends don't can't do it like my friend who's a doctor he's like i don't have the space and then it's like okay and then we're like we're good
Authenticity and Societal Norms
00:45:28
Speaker
right you know what mean because i get that and also because i'm also not the friend sometimes when someone's like i just want you to listen i'm like i can't
00:45:34
Speaker
but And that's why i there I think therapy is good because it's like, it's an objective first. And it's like, sometimes your friends don't want to hear about your shitty relationship issues because your friends have like a personal vent. Like I have, I hate how some of my friends date. I don't want to hear about their romance, their sex lives. I find it disgusting. I like judge them for it. So it's like, let's not ruin our friendship. Yeah.
00:45:56
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. i Just keep that to yourself because you know, not everyone's, you can't use everyone for everything. Right. I think one of the tools that I took away from my therapist that really helped kind of to talk about the tools that you got was one thing she told me was you can never control how someone else feels.
00:46:14
Speaker
Yes. And for me, that was like me trying to convince my mom to be like on my side and just kind of get over everything, realizing actually I can't live my life worrying and stressing about my feelings and her feelings.
00:46:29
Speaker
You know what I mean? Like, I can't be sitting here thinking, if I if i do this, she's going to feel that. No, no, no. I have to just do what makes sense to me and try to create a space where she can... like Everyone has to... like have the tools to take care of themselves. You know, you can't take care of other people for them, like the whole putting the mask on before you put it on your child or whatever.
00:46:55
Speaker
I feel like that's something I'm trying to do more of. You're giving people like their agency. You know what I mean? It's like you're an adult. You can make your own decisions. And um like you have all the information provided.
00:47:08
Speaker
If you feel like you've clarified enough, like then it's like the cards will fall where they may. Yeah. Yeah. I'm one of my favorite friends. I, I remember I was so down bad one time.
00:47:20
Speaker
Like I was like first living alone and stuff and I was feeling really lonely and whatever. And I called her like crying. And then she was, I was like being like, I feel like I don't want to be here, blah, blah. And she's like,
00:47:33
Speaker
Well, like, if you don't really feel like it, yeah but you could just do it. Like, we were both... And it just started making me laugh because I was like, bitch, like, what the fuck? You're like, if you want to kill yourself, go ahead. But it's like... That's nice to have permission.
00:47:45
Speaker
It appeals to me in my narrative. I really do think that it's important to remember that... Again, it's like we we we do a lot of value judgments on things.
00:47:56
Speaker
ah And um ultimately, depending on how... I really feel that way. like it is sad like It's okay to miss people, but it'ss it's also okay for someone to leave. yeah And like let's say we're talking about a house party, but then make this house party life.
00:48:11
Speaker
It's like... You know, if someone feels like they want to leave, maybe it's premature and maybe that was a mistake, but that's kind of on them and maybe it wasn't. And it's like, there's sadness in that. There's happiness in that. There's confusion in that. There's like all those things.
00:48:26
Speaker
But ultimately it's like, it's someone's choice. But surrounding that it's like, okay, people shouldn't be killing themselves because they're in poverty or because they can't find community. Like there's, you know, things that like, um, um,
00:48:41
Speaker
like very preventable. But part like, I think what's like, if you're like 70 years old or whatever, and like, you're like, fuck it, I'm done. Yeah. Okay, you're done. yeah yeah. I resonate with a lot of that. Maybe I'll tweak it a little and say that I think we all need to be more, like, I feel like people freak out about the idea of death. Yeah.
00:49:03
Speaker
And I think it's ah like being born and dying is like literally everyone's fate. You know what I mean? Like, yes. It's like, okay, can I say, can I, I think, I think this, I think it's a really good analogy.
00:49:17
Speaker
It's like in schools when do we had to have a lineup, everyone used to be like front fighting to be at the front of the lineup. And the teacher be like, well, it doesn't matter. You're all going to the same place. Right. Exactly. it's very much like life. Like what there's like, you're good.
00:49:30
Speaker
We're all going there. So I made it a big deal. And also, I think it should be a practice in everyone's life to start the mourning process ASAP. Like, I think people, the reason why they, it freaks them out so much. Like I can tell you, my dad, for example, has reached the age where he's like realizing his mortality is inevitable.
00:49:51
Speaker
And he is so depressed. And it's like, wait, but you had like your whole life to process this. i've already like I feel like I've processed my death. If it happened tomorrow, I'd be okay.
00:50:02
Speaker
Go go ahead I would say like, I feel like I, I don't know if I've processed my death, but on when I've been on the back of a motorcycle on a highway with no helmet, almost playing off the back thinking you're going to die.
00:50:15
Speaker
It's like, okay, number one, I realized I don't want to die. But number two, I realized I kind of liked the thrill. That, that, that is, that is, that is, that is Bella coded. I hope you know that.
00:50:30
Speaker
Bella. fun like ia code it no She literally was on a motorcycle thinking about Edwards and that turned her on like being able to see him when she was in danger. She literally tried to kill herself to see him.
00:50:42
Speaker
What a stupid bitch. But anyway, i agree with you. I think once you realize you ah you truly ask yourself, am I getting everything I want from life? Because I think if you're scared of dying, it's because you haven't reconciled everything inside of you that you need to be assessing. You know what I mean? Like there are things left unsaid or things you still want to do.
00:51:07
Speaker
And i me as an unfiltered person, nothing will ever... you I will die being like, I told every person I hated, I hate you. i told every ugly bitch they were ugly. i told every hot bitch I thought they were hot.
00:51:20
Speaker
Every guy wanted to try to fuck, I tried. Like, i like Yeah. Yeah. I feel it I'm so grateful. Yeah. I think it's very important to not be like, not be too stuck in the blueprint of society and forgetting who you are only to too late.
00:51:37
Speaker
Be like, oh shit, it's too late now. You know, like it's such a shame when somebody lives a whole life and you they realize they actually lived none of it. Yeah, and that's really, I mean, it's it's heartbreaking to think. like I mean, I think of my parents like that too.
00:51:53
Speaker
and But the the also frustrating part is when these people are still alive and it's like, Kate, like the the the the best time is now. Well, but you the best time was yesterday, but the next best time is now. you know what I mean? So it's like, this is literally just like, it's it seems so simple. It really does.
00:52:10
Speaker
It really does. And you know what the thing is? I think also like, understanding like what's not your burden like I will never like the thing is it's just being like I will never understand certain things and that's not my problem and also it's like I will ah I will never like people's opinions of me is like what I would like to be better at is like not taking on well um too much of what people think of they are like not trying to be nosy because I am nosy and it's like I don't need to know what someone thinks about me I can things can be ambiguous and I can be comfortable in that because it's that's not my business because it's also not my problem right right yeah yeah I get that as long as if it's not directly affecting you of course but then it's like I'm confrontational enough to bring something up but if it's brought up and you know i like I will dig the thing is and I like the thing is I dig too far but so it's like at some point it's like you need to like be like okay you know what
00:53:08
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, I that. We're digging in the wrong spot. Right. And um I also want to preface again. I know we did a disclaimer in the beginning, but neither of us is perfect.
00:53:19
Speaker
We're not saying we're like the answer. We've figured out the answer. perfect, but I love myself. And I do think I'm like, I'm perfect for me. Right. Do you know what I mean? Everyone is different.
00:53:30
Speaker
like yeah Everyone is different. It's like you're perfect for you. And I don't give a shit if you don't think I'm perfect. I don't care. Absolutely. It's like I want you to think you're perfect, but I'm not going to help you feel perfect. And no one's experience can explain someone else's experience. like that that real i literally just sent you a reel of a woman talking about her grieving her daughter.
00:53:49
Speaker
The first thing she said when somebody asked her is like, can you tell me what it's like to lose a child? She's like, I can't tell you what it's like to lose a child, but I'll tell you what it was like for me to lose my child.
00:54:00
Speaker
I was like, that is so important to make clear that everyone's experience is going to be different. There's no one way to process something like that, you know? And the thing is that you just have to, you have to go out and like, it is, you have to help yourself. the thing You have to help yourself. And what comes with that is like, comes with a lot of privilege and everyone has ah different circumstances and situations, but yeah,
00:54:26
Speaker
Like so many things is like out of people's control and like no one really knows what's going on. So like, while things are unfortunate, it's really like, if you can't take control of your narrative, you're fucked because like not a lot of people can do things to help you. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
00:54:45
Speaker
um To pivot a little, I'm curious, what are some mundane things in our life that's accepted that you you view as self-harm? We've discussed long distance running.
00:54:56
Speaker
Yeah, think long distance running is like splitting your wrists. It's worse. The blood violin, literally. Because you're literally breaking and destroying your knees. you're getting an addiction that's kind of not healthy for you and you look like a corpse.
00:55:14
Speaker
Like i I don't get the appeal whatsoever. i think that, okay, I think like forms of running can be enjoyable, but it's like, yeah, when you're running for like more than 10 miles, it's like you're running from yourself. Yes.
00:55:29
Speaker
And like you you're stressing me out. Like the way that you're treating this run, Oh my God, people that run every day, to me, that is such a, that's such OCD behavior. I'm like, that's crazy. Yeah. It means, ah and the day that you don't run, it ruins your day.
00:55:44
Speaker
You know what I mean? Like that to me, I'm like, there's something wrong. You need, you need help. Or like, what about actually, no, because it's like, I need to walk every day. i like a light jog. It depends on like how, how brutal you're going. Right. I mean, it's the same. I'm also thinking the same thing, like any kind of gym, bro.
00:56:02
Speaker
I think it's like a lot of people have EDs and don't know it. Oh, yes. Nating disorders galore. But I will say the thing about that, people there's a fine line between... Some people cannot count calories. Like some people, it turns into a pathology.
00:56:18
Speaker
Some people, it becomes obsessive. And I totally see it and understand that it's just not doable for them. The people that can do it, can do it because they don't actually...
00:56:30
Speaker
Like it's not going to make or break their day. I think you have to not let it make or break you. Like if one day you like had a piece of cookie that like puts you above your macros or whatever, who gives a fuck?
00:56:42
Speaker
You know what I mean? Like, no, exactly. It shouldn't like, it should just be a guide for you to know around, you know, like what you're supposed to do if you're trying to achieve a certain goal.
00:56:52
Speaker
But it shouldn't become like a kind of like us growing up in Islam. Like if you didn't pray pray five times a day, you're going to hell. Where it's like, oh shit, I prayed it wrong or I did something wrong. Then you feel bad the whole day.
00:57:06
Speaker
And it's like you're never going to feel good about yourself because you're constantly like judging yourself in that way. And I think the same way happens in a lot of like gym mentality where people stop doing it for the fact that it's a way to release stress and anxiety and start thinking about it more as a way to punish themselves for like... Exactly.
00:57:28
Speaker
But that's what the DMT exactly helped me release was like, oh, my form of punishment is being so concerned with being better. Right. It's like I was harass i was harassing myself.
00:57:41
Speaker
But that's also because you you grew up in an environment where you were probably told you're not good enough. ah lot because that I don't even think I wasn't even told I wasn't good enough. I think I just wasn't really like seen. Yeah.
00:57:53
Speaker
Because the thing is, it's like I was doing stuff to try to impress my parents and being like, okay, bitch, like i got first place. Like I, I know I'm good enough. I fucking won. Like you don't even care. And then I was kind of just like, okay. You just like, I think I always had the analogy in my mind that my parents treated Me and my siblings like find China, where it's like, you just wanted us like we're there as a symbol to look nice to do a thing, but there's no utility.
00:58:22
Speaker
You're not actually interested in this thing. Yes. And ideally, we would sit there and collect dust. yeah
Media Recommendations and Episode Reflections
00:58:28
Speaker
Yes, yes. The first 18 years of my life, everything I did was to get their validation.
00:58:33
Speaker
None of it was like to do what I actually wanted. So all my degrees, all my like my education was all for them. And it wasn't until I came to the States that I started doing things for me that I realized it feels really nice when you're just doing things that make you happy and make you proud of yourself, as opposed to like putting on a mask or doing something that, you know, other people will approve of.
00:58:59
Speaker
Exactly. And that's why in terms of when like people are upset, I always say it's like, you're not upset at me. like You're projecting something else. yeah And I take that for myself. When I'm upset at something, it's like I'm projecting something from inside and it's not about the other person.
00:59:16
Speaker
So it's like really like that's the kind of i think the ultimate struggle of mental health is like depersonalizing things and the value judgment things where it's like you don't have to just because something is bad doesn't mean you have like nothing is good or bad. It just is right. And every people like find pleasure and pain.
00:59:39
Speaker
Some people don't. But it's like. you, I don't know. Everything can be worked towards ultimately. So yes, yes, I absolutely agree. Absolutely. Uh, should we wrap up the episode? Do you think? Cause it's an hour I'm looking at time and I think we covered a lot of good.
00:59:57
Speaker
I think so too. Is there anything left that you feel like you wanted to talk about for this mental thing? I did want to share media moment, like just quickly. Yeah, let's end off. Yeah, so media moment this week.
01:00:10
Speaker
Lella Fadda, she's an Egyptian rapper. her new album, Magnun, 10 out of 10. Have you always been on female Arabi rap? Yes. Female Arabic rap is... Can you show your phone to the screen? It's just my notes.
01:00:26
Speaker
I have the... oh You can pause it if you want. No, I actually did that for the Twilight episode for the concert you were talking about. Nice. And I like had to... Because I typed the name. so nice was help all then This is so basic, but honestly, i am such an Addison Rae stan.
01:00:44
Speaker
Are you familiar? Yeah. I am such a stan. Her pop star era is so iconic, even though it's very Americana and like bleh.
01:00:55
Speaker
But the concepts, the visuals, like her new song, High Fashion. Wow. So good. I'll check it out. Check it out. She doesn't and she doesn't impress me, though. i I want to take this opportunity diss Addison Rae. Check out her music videos. is Her music video game is 10 out of 10.
01:01:11
Speaker
turn And then last one, there's this artist, Oklu, her album Chokunuf. Those are my... years um I don't have music, but I got this really... I'm excited to dive into this book my friend sent me.
01:01:26
Speaker
that's The Crow, right? Yeah. or that's the crow right Yes, it's a queer, trans, like, um Middle Eastern anthology. I, like, did a skimming of it, um and it looks really good.
01:01:41
Speaker
There was a different one. i don't want to say it because I'm going to diss it, and I don't want to diss queer out of a literature, but I thought it was... You can cut it out. What's it called? I was like, the essays were shit. They're shit.
01:01:52
Speaker
I thought I read it. I read it. i I'm like, oh maybe I'm going to do a submission for their like new thing. yeah if I have anything to say, i don't know if I have anything to say right now, but I didn't really care. i bought the book and I'm like, well, I don't really care about what's in here.
01:02:06
Speaker
All of it. Because they were all very different. None of the experience. i didn't feel seen in the experiences. That's fair. I think it's because none of them were American, right?
01:02:18
Speaker
think it was mostly people who are born in the hill Middle East. Yeah, which is a very different series. was just like, I don't get i don't get that. Yeah, fair. None of my business. Fair, which is kind of... Someone needs to be the annoying... Maybe that'll be my submission for the next one. I'll do a diaspora take. Right, but then that's what this is for as well, like the all of people so that you can have a place where you can share what it's like being in the diaspora.
01:02:44
Speaker
Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Well, on that note, thank you guys for watching. Subscribe, like, comment, etc. Share. And thank you for watching. Bye.
01:02:55
Speaker
Bye.