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Self-Care or Self-Sabotage? Episode 13
121 Plays22 days ago
Ali’s got the sniffles, Khalil’s feeling cute, and together they spiral into one of the most raw, hilarious, and unhinged conversations yet. From Grindr hookups that should’ve stayed in the DMs to the politics of messy apartments, this episode asks: when does self-care stop being healing and start being harmful? The Olive People get real about honesty, resentment, rage, and inherited trauma — all while dragging tender queers, dodging people-pleasers, and casually fantasizing about brick-throwing revenge. It’s chaotic, it’s cathartic, it’s kind of beautiful.
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Transcript
Recurring Health Challenges
00:00:08
Speaker
Yeah, I have the cold, but it's fine. I feel like I always get the cold a week before I perform. It's God's way of telling you that you should just quit. i am I wish I could.
00:00:22
Speaker
I wish I could. Yeah, I've been sick for a week. But how are you? How's life? I'm good. you think we're doing the opposites thing again. Opposites thing? Oh, like clothes?
00:00:36
Speaker
No, i I mean, yeah, maybe ah both. Like, clothes. I'm wearing less clothes. You're wearing more clothes. But also, like, you seem sick and haggard. And I feel like I feel good. And, like, I just had a workout. I had i was up at, like, 5. Hell, yeah. I slept at 9.30 p.m. and woke up at 8 p.m.
00:00:56
Speaker
Yeah. Which is crazy. Which maybe that's why. Maybe that's why. Because you're sick. Yeah, I mean, I am i am sick. and i Yeah. Yeah. I hate, I hate, like, when the sniffles come and then you wake up multiple times in the night just, like, suffocating on your own snot.
00:01:12
Speaker
You know what I'm talking about?
Self-Care: Privilege or Necessity?
00:01:14
Speaker
When was the last time you had the cold? I don't know if I, I don't, I won't wake up suffocating from my snot, no. I'll either, like... it's not a It's either like i like ah I'm sick where I'm getting like hot flashes or the chills or like I'm too uncomfortable to fall asleep.
00:01:31
Speaker
But usually the mucus is like maybe it's an issue like right in the morning when I wake up when it's like all in the back of your throat. But I think because it's like I'm a normal mouth breather. I see. I see.
00:01:44
Speaker
see. I see. I think I'm a mouth breather too. But I guess this is a good segue into our topic. Self-care. how How are you taking care of your of yourself? i Also, so open self-care, though, I think self-care is very contextual and privilege.
00:02:03
Speaker
A privilege.
00:02:06
Speaker
A privilege to be able to perform self-care, you mean? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I guess self-care for me means comfort and peace of mind.
00:02:19
Speaker
So one of the best ways for me to feel like attuned to my life is if my apartment is clean, which it currently is not. Because John has been working really, really extra hard in his big boy job.
00:02:34
Speaker
And yeah, things have just been piling up. I'm like, girl, you need to do things. He's off soon. and So he's going working. I'm putting him to work. Poor John. Honestly, I don't mind living. it If I turn my computer around, like it would drive you insane. Like show me, your please.
00:02:52
Speaker
I'm don't judge me. i will judge. But I want to see.
00:03:00
Speaker
You know what? My place kind of looks the same, though. Like if I were to show my kitchen counters. But like, honestly, it doesn't really bother me. Like I honestly I'm looking at that pile and I know exactly what everything is.
00:03:12
Speaker
There's one pile in the middle that's from when I just traveled all the shit that I packed. There's a bunch of dirty towels in the front and in the back is shit that I ripped out of from my closet last night deciding what to wear.
00:03:24
Speaker
ah Wow, that would drive me nuts. John does the same thing. don't know. I don't know why I don't know why. you got to but So John, when he wakes up or when he comes home from work, I think we talked about this. He'll shed his clothes and leave them right there. Whereas like you can easily just put them in the laundry hamper or like I've tried to help him out by giving him designated places to hang his clothes.
00:03:47
Speaker
Like I have several plastic hooks next to his bed, next to the door, and he never uses them. He just puts it on the floor. Because it takes like, it's like a useless mental resource. No, no, no, no.
00:04:00
Speaker
I'm with John because I get it. I never hang out my own shit. And it's literally just like that extra. First of all, it's already annoying depending on your mobility to like take a jacket off or whatever off.
00:04:12
Speaker
And then you want me to spend time if the sleeve is like inside out, whatever, put it on and then put it on the hook. Like, girl, it could just, it could just be on the floor. I think that's the ADHD talking for both of you.
00:04:26
Speaker
But the thing is, like, i'm what I'm saying is it's hard.
Self-Care or Self-Harm: A Debate
00:04:30
Speaker
My analogy before my poor analogy. This was me going into my SJW era. was going to say three cards a bunch last week.
00:04:39
Speaker
Oh, Social Justice Warrior. Oh, okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. Like, it's not bothering anybody. i think it's filth versus chaos are very different to me. But that's your self-care. So I can't take that away from you.
00:04:51
Speaker
Thank you. ah And then what what else was I saying? So I was saying clean apartment. Another way to be for me that I think is so like self-care, i feel like the two things are cleanliness and honesty.
00:05:05
Speaker
In the sense, you have to be honest with yourself and with others. And that is true self-care. Like I actually have the story that I wanted to share that I haven't told you yet. But earlier this week, I had the Grindr hookup.
00:05:21
Speaker
where it was somebody I was messaging on Grindr for a while. And it's just like one of those things where he seemed very eager. And I appreciate that because then it means he'll work around my schedule.
00:05:32
Speaker
And also he was my neighbor, like literally right next door. So I'm a lazy motherfucker. So out of convenience, like these were the two biggest green flags. And he was also, according to his bio, six five so and like decently attractive based on the pictures of his like face and whatever But honestly, I was lazy in the sense that I should have, that should have been a red flag in itself. Like if somebody is that eager.
00:06:03
Speaker
and they look like that. And they look like, yeah. ah click it Something is wrong. And honestly, i I think I was just too lazy because I don't really have that much time for hookups anymore. I was like, fuck it.
00:06:13
Speaker
Sure. And like he sent me his little like Grindr album. And the photos were just close ups of penis, butt, face. There was nothing in between. You always need to ask for body photos. I'm an idiot. but I'm an idiot.
00:06:29
Speaker
You are dumb for that. I was so stupid because then I go over to his little place, open the door, and immediately the guy is clearly nervous.
00:06:42
Speaker
And when I say nervous, I don't just mean like he had a couple of stutters in his words. He was visibly shaking.
00:06:51
Speaker
And I'll tell you why in a minute. So we sit down on his couch and he's just like so awkward and like didn't know what to do. And we've talked about this before. I want someone to take charge.
00:07:01
Speaker
Like literally, I want you to know what to do. I want you to be in tune with your body and I'm not going to direct you. So I literally just sat there waiting like with a... You're like, i impress me. Literally.
00:07:13
Speaker
Yeah. Do something. And then i kind of like leaned forward a little. We started kissing. Anyway, he's still like not progressing. You know when it's like he's stuck in one spot and doesn't know what to do next? Yeah, he's frozen in fear. Frozen.
00:07:26
Speaker
So then I like sit on his lap thinking, okay, let me, you know, like I get on his... Okay, bro, wasn't his man? Like, did he look like his photos? Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll get to it. so Because if you're doing all of this and this guy's a catfish. No, no, no. Listen, listen. So up till this point, he wasn't as attractive as his photos.
00:07:45
Speaker
Like he had more acne, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But he was wearing baggy clothes. So up till this point, I don't like I don't mind bigger people. I think like yeah i I hook up with I love a strong belly.
00:07:57
Speaker
You know, like I love that kind of energy. But wait, wait, I'll get to it. I'll get to it. So I sit on his lap and like we're kissing again and then he starts sweating profusely.
00:08:09
Speaker
And like I don't just mean in like a couple of trickles of sweat like he was red in the face water pouring down like I literally would touch his hands or skin and it's just wet.
00:08:21
Speaker
And I know why. I'll tell you why after the story's wrapped up. Anyway, so then we're like, let's take it to the bed. And at this point, mind you, I was already thinking of ways to call quits. Like, I'm already, like, mustering up the courage to be like, you know what?
00:08:35
Speaker
No offense, but I don't think this is working out. Like, I already was ready to leave. And then he takes off his shirt. I was like, ah. This is somebody who at one point weighed 500 pounds.
00:08:50
Speaker
Oh, loose skin. And now weighs like 250 pounds. Okay, I got it. So it's a little like, um i don't want to be rude. Loose skin. There's loose skin, yes. And like zero firmness.
00:09:03
Speaker
And so i literally was like, I want to say something and please don't like take this the wrong way, but I don't think I can proceed with this. And heing he looks at me, he's like, because I'm fat.
00:09:16
Speaker
I was like, don't say that. No, it's also because the compatibility isn't there. Like, this isn't what I thought I was getting into. Yes. And and then, you know what he said?
00:09:27
Speaker
You know what he said? He was like, I mean, it's OK. I mean, he said this nervously, but he was like, it's OK. I mean, I know that the gay community is shallow. I just never experienced something this shallow in real life.
00:09:40
Speaker
gag, but also you know what I'd say to him. Fuck him, right? Because this is literally a Grindr experience where we're hooking up and you're lying to me. they have your yeah Also, I mean, you both fucked up in many ways. Number one, you didn't verify what you were getting into.
00:09:58
Speaker
Number two, I feel like all the red flags were there. Like as soon as the kill, like as soon as this man's like acting weird, I would be the fuck out of there. Yeah. I'd be like, nah. Yeah. Thirdly. Yeah. It's like, I mean, by virtue, you're right. It is because of his body is the reason you don't want to hook up.
00:10:15
Speaker
But the point is you're hooking up like it is a shallow experience. Like, what do you want? And also the thing is, if you feel like you want to sell your body to someone to enjoy and vice versa, don't fucking sell a lemon. It's like selling a run down car and being like, or not run down, like whatever. I'm not saying but having loose skin is run down or having a new car.
00:10:36
Speaker
But either way. Honestly, it's exactly that. I think the reason why he was so nervous is because he knows he was trapping me. Of course. He knows he was lying. Like, the thing is, is you're deceiving me from the get-go. You're telling me you don't love yourself.
00:10:52
Speaker
So how do you expect me to enjoy this? You know, you just were hoping I wasn't going to say anything and go with the flow. That's fucked up. You know? But also, the thing is, it's... Like, you don't need to kick someone when they're down. Like, they just gave you a little bit of, like, projecting of their... Honestly, like, that's a horrible situation to be in.
00:11:11
Speaker
Yeah. But no, I didn't let it stop there. i As I was walking out, I was like, I mean, it's not just that. It's also the fact that you were sweating profusely and shaking. I said that, and then I walked out. And he kind of was, like, gagged, I will say.
00:11:24
Speaker
Like, he was just scared and nervous and... But still, you should add that he had all the power. I mean, it was his place. You're the one. Really because he was sweating and shaking because you continued it anyway.
00:11:36
Speaker
But I was going, like, the thing is, a time me it takes me time to be able to, like, actually say, you know what? I'm uncomfortable. Like, I can't just write that. Yeah. but see something I don't like and say it.
00:11:48
Speaker
Like, that's my point. But that's ah that's your responsibility. That's, like, your burden. Just as it's, like, it's his burden to carry with all his skin and whatever, it's also your... I'm just saying, like, everyone has responsibility.
00:12:00
Speaker
Because i also, like, we do live in a world where we will project what's going on in our lives. And, like... if someone is physically sick, they get to go to a doctor, they get people coming to the hospital, they get to visit them.
00:12:13
Speaker
But if you're like sick in other ways, that's not immediately recognizable. What does care look like? What is deserved care? Like we just don't live in a society set up for that. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
00:12:26
Speaker
I think part of my self-care as comes from self-preservation. And that's why i let myself crash out. I let myself do what I need to do because it's like, Yeah, I get that.
00:12:39
Speaker
I feel like self-care for me in that moment was being honest. Because I think yeah ah previous me would have just like kind of dissociated and been like, it'll be easier to just go through this than to confront him and say, you know, so that to me, like I really felt that experience feeling shitty and angry that he made me the villain, but also feeling like, bitch, you know what you did. And I felt good about it.
00:13:03
Speaker
But if you have experience as the villain, it gets easier and easier. Because also, I feel like as a victim and as someone who's victimized people or made people feel like a victim, you know what? It's just like it's like being versatile in this world. Sometimes you fuck. Sometimes you get fucked.
00:13:19
Speaker
I think everyone... Everyone needs to experience both or else like I don't like I don't know. What else are you here for? Like, I'm sorry you didn't have a perfect life.
00:13:30
Speaker
Yeah. But like, yeah, I don't know. It's more fun. I agree. I knew it. I have a list of questions today. So what's the dumbest thing you've ever done in the name of self-care?
00:13:42
Speaker
Probably grinder hookups. Damn, I hate that this is just turning into that. But sex for me is like the stupidest way for self-care. But is that self-care or self-harm?
00:13:54
Speaker
I think it's a 50-50 shot because sometimes you have bomb ass sex. So I get, oh my God, I'm such a whore. You're right. Because after that, what you're trying to say is you seek out human connection when you're feeling sad or you need some self care.
00:14:09
Speaker
Maybe because then after that experience, some another person might have been like, okay, that's that for today. I'm going to try again. i tried again. And thankfully, the second
Sharing Responsibilities in Daily Life
00:14:18
Speaker
time around was really good.
00:14:20
Speaker
Like this person, I've seen them at the gym too. So I was like, okay, I know what you you've rebounded. Okay. But that to me feels like a like it's a car it's a hit of dopamine. See, the thing is is, I guess maybe there's different kinds of self-care. It's not long lasting self-care.
00:14:35
Speaker
It's instant gratification. where like Like food. It's a more unhealthy source of fuel. I agree. I agree. Where you kind of feel like, yeah, I'm the shit. That was good. Blah, blah, blah. But then it doesn't last you very long.
00:14:49
Speaker
What I do, I guess I, I mean, I'm, I get i always talk about how not really in my hoe era anymore. And not to sound holier than thou, but I really feel like I've had a healthier relationship with sex in that regard, where I now feel, i now understand that I don't need to, like, do that to make myself feel better.
00:15:10
Speaker
Because what I actually want is someone to just, like, see me and hang out with me and like do something fun. And the other part of that is like, honestly, usually when I'm going through the process of, oh, should I hook up?
00:15:21
Speaker
I always come to the conclusion, like, nah, it's going to be easier to just masturbate and then do something fun with somebody fun in an asexual manner and keep my romantic life romantic.
00:15:33
Speaker
For me, my stupid self-care though, is I spend stupid amounts of money on like whatever. Like I'll be out and I'll be like, I'm not thinking about my budget today. Like anything I desire is like anything for you, baby girl. Like I'm my own sugar daddy.
00:15:47
Speaker
But I love that. It's honestly, it's gotten, I'm just like, actually, no, it actually is a kind of healthy form of self-care. Fuck saving money. Like fuck money. What's the points? I agree. i agree. But if you're bipolar and manic, like you could get yourself into a lot of credit card debt.
00:16:04
Speaker
Here's the thing. Like sometimes my advice is for bitches who know what they're doing. Yeah. If you don't know what you're doing, you can't be doing this. Absolutely. Absolutely. You can't have a manic episode and decide you want to repaint your house in different colors and buy No. And it's not like I'm like, oh, when I want to go and make myself feel better, I'm not going into Louis Vuitton and shopping. I'm shopping at places where it's like.
00:16:27
Speaker
Or you're getting cheaper. I'm getting an Uber today. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to. Oh, when I went to the street festival, I am going to get the $15 watermelon smoothie. Like, yeah.
00:16:37
Speaker
Rather than, like you know, worry about budgeting and stuff that that's as stupid as it gets for me. Yeah, I can see. I feel like you're very regimented. I can't see you like doing things that don't make sense.
00:16:51
Speaker
What's something that you did this week that wasn't just for you? this week that was not just for you i feel like a lot of things i do is not just for me because i live with someone so i have to keep in mind food for both of us especially since he's busy so i'm like doing everything else i'm doing like i just i'm did that i'm doing the laundry now and it's mostly his shit because oh actually i'm curious when you wear something do you immediately say like done i can't wear this again washer or do you wear it multiple times
00:17:23
Speaker
Everything is worn at least like twice
Navigating Relationships and Personal Identity
00:17:26
Speaker
or three times. Yeah. I'm the same way. But for some reason, John can only wear a shirt once and then it has to be washed. But maybe he's also sweaty.
00:17:35
Speaker
Me? i I think so. I think that's what it is. Because i literally will wear... Like literally our laundry is always one-sixth my stuff. The rest is his stuff. so So you're doing laundry for John all the time. Yeah.
00:17:48
Speaker
Yeah. so foot For me... maybe this is also and I feel like what I do for all the time is I'm very visible like I'm out there like I wear my little Palestine stuff I'm always like I feel like I'm very visibly queer I'm always graffitiing stuff for like um Palestine um maybe that's also a little bit for me but also isn't everything that we do for other people also a little bit for us true like it does like any anytime you do something it's like it's your relationship with John you do stuff for John to continue your relationship that benefits you true true true do I do anything that's like not purely like based on my identity or own interests
00:18:33
Speaker
I think I give people advice I'll be like whether they would want to hear it or not yeah so but the thing is honestly good advice sometimes you don't want to hear Very fair. i agree. A lot of people who are so not ready to receive advice or change.
00:18:51
Speaker
so But what also, i don't even believe in that. This is the thing. In this world, I feel like the only thing we're actually owed is like no one should be like physically harmed. Like you deserve like a physical well-being. Like you should be fed.
00:19:06
Speaker
You should have shelter. And no one should be like coming up to like kick your ass. Right. But I don't think I have to sit here and validate everyone's tea. Like your tea is valid, but it's on you to make your own tea feel valid.
00:19:18
Speaker
I'm not going to stick here. And if I don't feel like your shit's valid. So what? But then I guess, isn't it also valid for somebody to say not associate with somebody that they feel like is going to make them feel crappy because they don't want to that confronted or dealt with?
00:19:35
Speaker
It depends on what it is, though, because it's like. I think people confuse uncomfortability with ah like not being safe, and those two things are very different.
00:19:47
Speaker
And it's like, well, why are you uncomfortable?
00:19:52
Speaker
like what I don't know. There's many different situations. And like sometimes it's like, yeah, see, I would also be uncomfortable and wouldn't want to fuck with that. But other times it's like, really, girl, get over yourself. Yeah. But if somebody was bringing up something to me that I just don't want to talk about constantly, I probably wouldn't want to talk to them.
00:20:09
Speaker
Yeah, but I don't know. it also said I mean, it the thing is, it's just like, give them, like, the thing is, I feel like you should let them know, hey, I don't think this tea is valid. Okay. And then they'll, like, get the tea. You know what I mean? Like, you can't, you I think giving everyone a fair shot is putting it out there.
00:20:24
Speaker
Like, hey, you're being really, like, annoying today. Yeah. And just being honest. Just being honest. And then maybe they'll be honest with you and be like, oh, actually, you know what? This thing happened, this bad thing happened to me that I'm trying to like not talk about.
00:20:38
Speaker
If somebody tells you that, do you actually sit and think about it? Or do try to do like what? Say, well, you're ugly as in. Oh, if someone says I'm being annoying. Yeah.
00:20:50
Speaker
I think I usually go for like justifications. I'm like, well, why did I do that? Okay. Yeah. Like I usually because so i know I do a lot of random shit, but it usually does come from somewhere.
00:21:01
Speaker
So I am quick to like analyze like, yeah, why did I do this? Because I do in my mind, I'm very principled. so I'm like, does this align with me? Like, where did it come from? Why? And then I try to offer an explanation.
00:21:13
Speaker
Got it. Yeah, I feel like I'm like, does it align with who I want to be? Does it not align with who I want to be? That depends. Yeah, the people pleaser in me, I feel like we'll think about that second.
00:21:24
Speaker
First, think about how to like end the ah acrimony, if that's the right words. But then i yeah, I think I think about that too, but it takes me longer.
00:21:39
Speaker
I don't immediately think about it. I just feel like no one's ever really trying to people please me. So like, why the fuck should I please anybody else? No, actually, yeah again, as queer Palestinians, like our families don't try to please us.
00:21:52
Speaker
Society is not trying to please us. Like, what the fuck do you guys expect from me? That's true. That's true. See, it's so interesting. You could have gone a completely different route in personality type as somebody, because normally the people pleasers are the ones who have never been pleased themselves because they would try to like overcompensate to get people to like them.
00:22:16
Speaker
You know what I mean? and But you you you you you went the other direction of I don't give a shit what you think of me. I think I want people to respect me, but I don't need them to like me.
00:22:28
Speaker
Yeah. I think I need people to see that, like, like I'm a bad bitch and I'm smart. You don't need to like that. Yeah. But, like, just know that. That's it. right Right.
00:22:39
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So were you taught self-sacrifice or self-preservation growing up?
00:22:48
Speaker
Oh, very much self-sacrifice. I think that's like our culture, right? It's very self-sacrifice. Unless, but the thing is, it's patriarchal, right? Like for me, I feel like it was self-sacrifice.
00:23:03
Speaker
So your dad and your seat will look good. You know what I mean? Right. Like it's not self-sacrifice. for like a greater good it feels like self-sacrifice for this corrupt regime right but actually i feel like in my regime it was also I think it's also because they sacrificed like the older generation like my parents gave up so much for their parents and for each other a and I saw my dad had so much resentment right for his parents because he was like struggling, three kids, working two jobs, sending money back home. I remember my sister wanted braces, but my dad's youngest brother was getting married.
00:23:46
Speaker
And so she had to wait a year to fix her snaggle mouth. As like a teenage girl because so her uncle, like living back home, yeah you know, needs to have a wedding. And i don't know, my grander and her parents were very like, there was some confusion about, you know, whether they had money because they also had lots of kids who are also living in America and Canada working very hard. So it's like they were getting perhaps a little bit greedy, according to some like scarcity mentality. Right.
00:24:17
Speaker
Yeah. And starting to want more and more and more and more. And it's like, we don't live the lives in Canada that like as two Palestinians in diaspora, as like people back home think that we do.
00:24:30
Speaker
Right. All the time. I mean, we definitely as gay guys live privileged lives. But if you're like a straight person with kids, You're fucking struggling. Like, that shit is not easy. You don't have money coming out of the ass.
00:24:43
Speaker
Absolutely. You're, like, ah living how they live on, like, the TV shows that, you know, people think that we live. Right. Absolutely. And actually, I'm in debt right now because I bought...
00:24:54
Speaker
ah Every time before I come home, my parents and my sister will ask for me to buy them things, which is fine. It's like my small contribution, but it actually put me over.
00:25:06
Speaker
And I'm not going to tell them that, but that was kind of like... My sacrifice. But wait, I want to go back to as the sacrificing of our parents. I feel it because they did it and they feel good about it. Not good because they hate their lives.
00:25:20
Speaker
I think they sacrificed so much for their parents and their families. Just like you said, my parents, exactly the same situation. My mom probably married my dad only because she had to, you know, and not because she wanted to.
00:25:32
Speaker
And then having kids, I can see how subconsciously, without even thinking about it, you start developing expectations of your offspring to do the same for you.
00:25:44
Speaker
Like, for example, my mom, I remember when deciding career paths, she had a very big say in my choice. I will say that. I wanted to be an English major.
00:25:55
Speaker
And she put a stop to that. ah ah Or, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like, or like getting married, even like now we're at the age where for them, us being gay, I feel like a lot of the reason why it frustrates them is because they want that picturesque family of like marrying women and having kids again, because it's a sacrifice that they see is worthy of their struggle.
00:26:20
Speaker
I'm straight up jealousy. Right. they don't Exactly. Jealousy that we get to live our lives. and like It kind of breaks down their own lives when we get to make choices that are outside the realm of possibility for them.
00:26:33
Speaker
Makes them realize, actually, you had choices too. You just chose wrong. But I think they also, i don't, I mean, we'll never be able to know what they were exactly doing then at that time.
00:26:44
Speaker
But i treat everyone like they're also me. So it's like, I know my mom and dad were thinking like, I could do this crazy other thing instead. But then, oh, that's scary. Oh, people are going to be mad. Oh, let me just, it'll be easier to just go along with it.
00:27:00
Speaker
Yeah. And it's like, if you do like, exap if you hooked up with that loose skin guy, who could you blame with? ah But yourself for that experience. Exactly. So, like, don't get mad at me because you bitched out and decided to get married and have three kids. like Exactly. I'm not saying it would be easy, yeah i yeah did it but I didn't do anything easy either. So it's not like I'm speaking from a glass house, bitch.
00:27:24
Speaker
Right. Absolutely. I think that's the thing is that you make the hard choices that they get frustrated with, but then don't realize they can make similar choices. Like, yeah, everything is a choice.
00:27:36
Speaker
Nothing is like, i feel like now, especially with my sister having baby too, I feel like it's going to exacerbate that feeling of, well, I got to do this because I don't have a choice. Actually, you always have a choice.
00:27:48
Speaker
You can literally leave those two babies and go somewhere else. You know, yeah that's in the realm of like, you know, but in her mind, she probably doesn't even allow herself to think that possibility. But you can literally do anything. You are not trapped.
00:28:00
Speaker
Fuck those kids. Fuck those kids, literally. But I think, I think, I think we just, yeah, in that culture, it's very much like sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.
00:28:11
Speaker
And that's, like, the currency. Like, that's, like, what puts you above in terms of, like, moral high grounds is, like, how much you sacrifice. Self-preservation is not a thing.
00:28:23
Speaker
But then, exactly. But someone... This is a pyramid scheme because it's, like, everyone's sacrificing. Bitch, where did it all go? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. it's like,
Sacrifice vs. Self-Preservation
00:28:31
Speaker
it's just somewhat... It's ah it's patriarchy yeah to me. yeah I don't know.
00:28:35
Speaker
That's what I saw through. that i've I feel like I was... Like people were really trying to, I was always called selfish by my family. Like me too. Be like, Oh, you're so selfish. You're so selfish.
00:28:47
Speaker
But I definitely went into self-preservation because i don't, I was like, I don't really like you guys that much. I like also like when we are having this like shared time, it's not even enjoyable. So it's like, yeah, I am going to actually opt out.
00:29:00
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Because you were forced in. That's the thing, too. It wasn't your choice to be in that family or to be born or anything. Literally. Yeah. yeah Sometimes I wish they understood the gravity of the situation.
00:29:17
Speaker
Like, we were a for we did what we had to do in terms of, like, self-preserving. They do, but they just see like, I mean, depending on how religious you are, it's like, well, I'm trying to get to heaven, girl.
00:29:31
Speaker
What are you going to? You're going to burn in hell. And it's like, okay, yeah. And I'm going to get my Hogwarts letter next week. Yeah. ah Honestly, if I was going to be lit.
00:29:43
Speaker
All the cool people will be in hell. This is the thing, though. If you're on fire forever, wouldn't you just like... if that's If all you're feeling is pain, are you even in pain? In pain, yeah. Can't pain. Torture cannot be... ab Anyway, it's fine. We can't go into a philosophy lesson, but... Yeah. um
00:30:06
Speaker
What is a way you've had you've had to learn how to love yourself that still surprises you? Hmm. This is good because you're in a relationship. So I'm sure Honestly, again, it goes back to being honest with yourself and others. I feel like communication is so key.
00:30:24
Speaker
Like, not letting any feeling in the right time. There's always a right time to bring stuff up. But, like... If you feel something, you have to say it because if you don't, if you try to ignore it, if you try to like push it away, it's always going to be there.
00:30:41
Speaker
That John and I's relationship suffered our first year because of that reason. like I just was not confronting my sexual trauma and like my issues with sex and all of that and like being honest with the kind of relationship I want.
00:30:56
Speaker
And then, yeah, I feel like once I was able to... Once you're able to... be Actually, two things. Honesty, but also put yourself in spaces where there's no shame. Like, people don't shame you for things.
00:31:09
Speaker
Or also, but here's the thing, because people will try to shame you anyway, but just... Do not take on other people's shames. Talk to shit. Yeah. You have to really get into that narcissistic moment of like, this is all about me. I need to say these things.
00:31:25
Speaker
And like, however, and like, however, the other person feels about it is really not your fucking problem. Right. I remember also, it's a, it's a skill that you have to learn. Yes, it it really is. Actually. I remember having a conversation with an asexual friend,
00:31:41
Speaker
where I was like detailing something related to Grindr or whatever. And I could almost see a look of disgust in their face. ah And you know what?
00:31:53
Speaker
It actually was funny to me where I was like, wow, it's so funny how I can see how that to some people would feel like like the judgy. You have to not let people judge you, which is what you're saying.
00:32:06
Speaker
Like just yeah just vibe, just say your truth. And if other people don't think it's valid, that's on them. It's not you. Yeah. Obviously, like to an extent, if like every single person around you is saying, girl, you're crazy.
00:32:19
Speaker
I think that's a different story. But if one person says it or like one person makes you feel a certain type of way, that's not on you. It's on them. And I also don't think that that necessarily means you should cut them out.
00:32:32
Speaker
Because I think it's healthy to have people have, like, differing opinions about things. But, like, the thing is, you should answer questions. Like, the thing is, there's a difference in being shamed versus being interrogated.
00:32:44
Speaker
Right. Like, I have some strong opinions about sensitive topics, and I'll be interrogated for them all day, and maybe my opinion will change based off that interrogation. by You know, like that's how you grow. Yeah. You know, if you don't share your opinion that are racist, no one's going to ever tell you that you're racist and you're never going to figure out if you don't discuss it to get to the bottom of it.
00:33:06
Speaker
That's true. Yeah. Like don't be in an echo chamber. Like don't surround yourself with like surround yourself with a circle of safety where people actually are able to like voice their different opinions and stuff. But that doesn't happen. I'm telling you, i'm if I could duplicate myself seven times and have my own group of friends, like, we would be killing it.
00:33:26
Speaker
I have a feeling you guys would kill each other. but No, we people people who think that for real. But, like i'm like, when it comes to confrontation, if I respond to someone else being confrontational very well.
00:33:37
Speaker
Okay. Because as an oppositional person, if I see someone else crashing out, yeah I usually will like take a step back to be like, okay, why are they crashing out? Yeah. Why don't you ask Chachi Pizzi, hey, Chachi Pizzi, be Khalil and have a conversation with it. Have a conversation? I think that'd be a lot of fun. That would be cute. i would love to see that.
00:33:59
Speaker
That's I mean, I'm currently having like beef with a good friend because of how uncomfortable they are with confrontation where it's just like, I don't care. Like, I really don't give a fuck that someone feels scared or intimidated be by me, especially if you're a good friend of mine. and Like,
00:34:17
Speaker
Your intimidation isn't because I'm intimidating. It's coming from somewhere else because you know me. Like we've been around each other. Like I'm not going to take on all the shame from all your like people pleasing mentality from your life and be like, oh, let me handhold you because I have my own shit too.
00:34:33
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's still... I agree, but in that kind of situation, then you should just give them space and let them figure that out. And if they don't figure that out, send them. For me, like as time goes on, that's the thing. like You're dealing with someone who's on a on a specific mission and who's also been abandoned in the past. So...
00:34:52
Speaker
You know, I'm giving my parents however many years it takes for them to figure out. I don't have time to give you six months to figure out how you feel about some bullshit. You're moving. Friend drama. Right? like But the thing is, i'm also people do know this about me. So then the part where I get in, where it's just like, if you're treating me like that, you know this about
Managing Rage and Emotions
00:35:10
Speaker
me. I talk about this endlessly.
00:35:12
Speaker
You don't respect me.
00:35:15
Speaker
You don't actually see me. Yeah, but what if like they... I don't know, i I can't defend this person. I don't know what their story is or what they're like. They're just like i'd like a tender, tender queer. It's like, get over your own feelings.
00:35:29
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I see that. thats Yeah, like honestly, if you're a tender queer, do not approach. I think I'm a tender... What's a tender queer?
00:35:42
Speaker
You're not a tender queer. What's a tender queer? A tender queer, I feel like to me, they have an element of like PC sensitivity, likely use a they pronoun, not necessarily.
00:35:55
Speaker
um They're just very like, oh, I'm a baby. Like that kind of like weird. You do have elements of that, but you're also like a little gremlin bitch. Okay, good. And you can like, the thing is, it's like, if I yell at you, you'll let yell back. You're not going to like freeze and like, oh, I need to not talk to you for six months because i'm traumatized.
00:36:15
Speaker
ah has You made me really feel unsafe. Like the bitches that take their when they're uncomfortable and then they're like, I'm unsafe. I was scared. Shut up. Yeah, I know that. That is that is annoying. I'm sorry. Those people. It's like, yeah, maybe I should have hit you then.
00:36:34
Speaker
I would never. I would never. Yeah, I know. are The worst thing I'll... Yeah, anyway, it's fine. um How do you hold space for rage without it eating you? How do you hold space for rage without it eating you?
00:36:48
Speaker
Oh, wow. That is such a valid question. The person I feel the most rage towards or used to is probably my dad. So I bet you're probably going to relate to this. But yeah, I think I used to think about it lot and it would like be all consuming. And then I realized, you know what? There's no solution to this anytime soon. So just forget about it.
00:37:08
Speaker
That's like one of the few things I've actually been like, you know what? Why do I have to deal with this now? Because I'm the type of person who's like, deal with things and I have to like sit here and have a solution right now. i have to like plan everything five years from now.
00:37:21
Speaker
That is one of the few things that I'm like, you know what? Deal with it. Like sometimes I'll be at a concert. Like literally I was at a concert recently, tennis. And I remember in the middle of the concert thinking about, oh, I'm moving to Baltimore.
00:37:36
Speaker
Oh, I'm moving with John again. Oh, my parents don't know that he's moving with me. Oh, this is going to be an issue. Oh, blah, blah. You know what I mean? Like going down that cycle. And I was like, wait, I'm in New York right now.
00:37:49
Speaker
I have like, you know what I mean? Like, and this is not something I have to deal with anytime soon. They're busy with a newborn child. I'm fine. You know, like, it's just yeah'm not important. So I think it's just being able to, like, remind yourself that and dealing with things isn't always a good thing.
00:38:05
Speaker
Like, sometimes now it can ignore them. It's fun. I like, I mean, I say give it to God. That's in my version of ignore it. But like, if it's something where I get stuck, like, for example, I bought a plane ticket last week and then the fucking confirmation email didn't come.
00:38:23
Speaker
And it wasn't that big of a deal, but it was like a thing that had ah tangible solution. And it was something so small. And i was like, great. Like I was crashing out over the fact I had to call the airline.
00:38:35
Speaker
They're going to put me on hold for fucking ever. And then I was like, but I put my email in right because my email auto puts in. was like, is my auto email wrong? And then I'm just like thinking about all the ways I can prevent this in the future. or is it the website? Like going back, Googling if there's a way I don't have to call.
00:38:50
Speaker
But it's like I could have just dealt with it. like the flight isn't until like, it's not for like three weeks. So it's like, I could have dealt with it at any time. Um, so I'm, so this is something I'm still working on.
00:39:01
Speaker
Yeah. Is certain things I really like hold on to with a death grip. The thing is, I'm the same way. if If something like that were to happen to me, like if I get a bill, for example, I have to pay it right away. Like I can't just put things off. Like you said, tangible things, I'm the same way.
00:39:18
Speaker
If I can fix it now, I will and it will drive me nuts. That's why I actually am not allowed to build furniture. In our like duo, I'm the one that does not build the furniture because I will start screaming at some point.
00:39:31
Speaker
One time i was trying to build this like small nightstand and you know how it has that rolling part for the drawer. it just wasn't working. And I think I just broke the thing.
00:39:42
Speaker
You just started slamming it. I fully started like smashing it. And like, yeah, John was like, okay, you're never doing that again. That, I don't get that. I don't get that crazy. Wow. Yeah, I don't know what it is. I can't build things. That's your trauma jumping out. Yeah, I can't. I can't. But I do, I will get there if something is like, I could see myself getting there, but that's definitely pretty rare for me. Like, I don't have the physical violent, like, mentality. Like, the worst thing I want to do is, like, spit.
00:40:14
Speaker
Yeah. ah Yeah, no, I will break objects if I want. That's a good one, though. Sometimes i do.
00:40:24
Speaker
so I think i i what is satisfying enough for me is sometimes i imagine myself doing it. Like, I really think about throwing a brick through my parents' like window. Just make sure no one's behind there.
00:40:36
Speaker
Who gives a fuck? No, because that would do that. People are breaking windows all the time. Like, oh, you don't want me to hit a person. yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, i wouldn't I mean, I would do it at night. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that also, so that sometimes, like, I have a really vivid daydreaming ability. So i'd feel like think thinking of that sometimes helps me let it go. Yeah, I get that.
00:40:59
Speaker
Like, just picture yourself getting invited to your parents' house, walking in there, taking all their, like, expensive china and just smashing it on the floor in front of them and then walking out.
00:41:10
Speaker
I wouldn't need to get invited. No, no, no. My fantasy is I go in the middle of the night. i have a brick that says from your faggot son and I just throw it through the window.
00:41:21
Speaker
You should write it in Arabic. Faggot in Arabic is ah ah it's either gents or... Menyak? Maniac means fucked.
00:41:32
Speaker
Like you're fucked. Oh, like you're regarded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have been no called departed my life. Maniuk means you're fucked. Maniac is you're a fuck.
00:41:43
Speaker
but Oh, bottom. Like you're a bottom. and No, maniac is just, you're a like, it's like fucktard, I guess. So, yeah. Oh, like, yeah okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. But no, gay.
00:41:54
Speaker
ah I'm trying to remember the insults. Jins. Yeah, that's what the Khaliji boys would say. Like, gay. ah Yeah, anyway. Next. Slay.
00:42:05
Speaker
So, for, in terms of rage, hmm. um I don't know. I think having a vivid imagination helps and then going on a walk. Do we know write a letter and just write out your nastiest fucking thoughts? Like, you've got to really get in there.
00:42:20
Speaker
yeah like Like, that's what the thing is. I will, like, threaten someone with words, but I don't actually mean it. But it just helps to be like, yeah oh, if I could punch you in the fucking face right now. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah.
00:42:32
Speaker
Yeah, it helps. Maybe like because in this legal world where people take that shit seriously, depending who you're talking to. It's better to write that shit, think about it and then not send it, not act on it. Agreed. Agreed.
00:42:45
Speaker
I know that you're not. and Go ahead. I am. I do have a fantasy where i i I have done this before where I've invited someone to swing first. Really? Oh, yeah. I love doing that. But that's in a fantasy.
00:42:58
Speaker
That hasn't actually. Also, I mean, one time at a party, I got into a fight with this guy And then and then I called him a cunt and he's like, I'll show you. I'll show you being a cunt. And I said, show me. And I was like standing right in front of him. I said, show me. And it's very that's like less rage and more of a calm like, OK, like I have a handle on this.
00:43:15
Speaker
yeah Yeah. Did they actually show you? No, they didn't. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I don't like physical violence. I'm not a good fighter. i but i am I'm i'm i'm ah i'm stretch strategic with it. So if i if I think I can take you, then I will go that is direction. Good. thats right it's like It's not crash out reckless. like yeah i'm If I see some 6'2 motherfucker, like I'm not about to go crazy and crash out. like I'm yeah smart enough to be like, okay, I'm going to walk away from this.
00:43:44
Speaker
But, you know, if there's a, if I have a dominant, like, the thing that's why I'm a bully. If I dominate you, it's over. Yeah, done. That's the relationship forever. I was going to say, you don't actually, I think both of us, we don't, like, do the usual routes of self-care. Like, I bet normal people would say, like, getting a massage.
00:44:04
Speaker
i know Because I know you said you don't like getting massages. ah or Or rather, it doesn't, you get them, but it doesn't, I remember you said it doesn't, like, It's not very like, oh, I feel relaxed after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think i like i going for a swim really helps. I feel like being in like an entire different like sensory environment and also the temperature change, like working out, exercising.
Social Etiquette and Respect
00:44:28
Speaker
And sometimes, like man, I'll be in my daydreaming head swimming and I'll realize I'm like, whoa, I just did like two laps and barely breathed.
00:44:38
Speaker
because you're just so in it but like that's kind of like when you get the best workouts in absolutely yeah working out is definitely a big one for me too um Yeah, I feel like a disordered way that I self-care maybe when I like regiment everything. Because I like routine.
00:44:57
Speaker
So when things feel like they happen in a specific way, I feel like that's self-care. But I think that's false because then if something doesn't happen the way I want it to, I crash out or think that that means that...
00:45:11
Speaker
Everything is fucked. You know what I mean? Like if in my mind i was like dinner today is going to be a burger, but I have something else because I was invited somewhere else to me. That's a failure.
00:45:24
Speaker
Girl, that's mental illness. It is. It's jaine and like OCD tendencies. Yeah. I want to be able to like control things.
00:45:34
Speaker
Hmm, I didn't know that about you. But I feel like a lot of people actually do think like that. Yeah. like ah but if i'm But see, the thing is, is like if I'm on a vacation, then everything is off limits. In the sense, like if I didn't... like It's so funny. like For example, if I'm in Spain or Italy or whatever, and every day I'm eating like junk, it won't matter.
00:45:54
Speaker
But then, say I'm back home, routine, and then I'm eating totally fine, but then one thing is out of... what I expected I would be eating, then that's a failure.
00:46:05
Speaker
So it's so funny how like it's all or nothing. I'm trying to think about moments where I'm like that. I feel like there's definitely things that will make me crash out, but it's more like triggers within relationships.
00:46:18
Speaker
For example, my friend did something weird at the beach the other day. And this friend is very boy crazy, very loves the male gaze, I will say. And I think you'll think this is weird too.
00:46:30
Speaker
This beach is not very big. It's like, I don't know, takes 10 minutes to walk up and down the whole thing. And it's also been severely eroded. So it's also not very, um like the shoreline is not long to make a point.
00:46:42
Speaker
So I like, I come to the beach hours earlier. I text my friend, like, cause we were like, we had plans to hang out Wednesday and it's like, we're going to do something Wednesday. We weren't sure what that morning. I was like, Oh, I know I want to be at the beach.
00:46:53
Speaker
So I was like, I'm going to be at this beach. Come meet me. And they were like, perfect. Blah, blah, blah. They show up to the beach. They're like, hey, couldn't find you. I'm just, like, over down somewhere else. And was like, girl. So I call them. No answer.
00:47:05
Speaker
Send them a text. I sent them three different pins at three different times of, like, where I was. Called them. No call back. I'm like, okay. I gave them, like... 10 minutes, let's say.
00:47:15
Speaker
And then i was like, I was getting raged because we were at the gay nude beach. And I know I was like, this bitch is over at the like side where everyone's cruising. Like all the hotties are blah, blah, blah. And not that I'm like, again, I don't hate on that, but it's just like that. When I came earlier to the beach, I had my books, I had my headphones. I didn't want to buy be by people, right? Music. Right.
00:47:35
Speaker
So I set up my beach area in the quiet zone. So I go over and I'm pissed to get him, right? Yeah. And then he's and then i'm and he's like set up with a beach towel already like naked like the beach spot. And I'm like...
00:47:51
Speaker
What the fuck? And he's like, hey, like, how's your spot? Like, good? And it's like, yeah, no, I've been sitting in a fucking horrible beach spot all day. Like, ah are we hanging out or not? Like, it's not about, like, being over there or whatever. It's just like, you came to a place to meet me.
00:48:07
Speaker
And I feel like this is very our culture mentality. right You disrespected me by not coming to see me first. Yes. Yes. I think that goes back to like the communication.
00:48:18
Speaker
If you wanted to come to the beach to like be in a sexy spot and cruise or whatever, then say that. Like he could have texted you that on his way being like, hey, by the way, i want to just letting you know. i meant up But or come find me first. The thing is, he did come find me and say, i want to be in a different spot. Like that's the part that was weird to me. Like, yeah yeah why did you just set up on the ground being like, this is two different hangs? Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's supposed to be that you guys were going to hang out with each other. That is weird.
00:48:46
Speaker
I agree. i I think and I had a crash out over that because it was very triggering to me because it's like, bitch, like, what are you here for? Yeah, yeah. No, literally. Like, did you want to hang out or did you just, which is fine. Like, if you had ah ulterior motives, just make them clear.
00:49:01
Speaker
But me and this friend, we cannot go to the beach together. I'm like, every time we've been to the beach, something has gone wrong. There was one time we were at the beach and I know one of our mutuals mutual friends listens to this podcast. so he's going to know exactly who I'm talking about.
00:49:15
Speaker
But there was just these, like, two old men, like, checking us out. Like, not even being really creepy, but just, like, checking us out. i was like, whatever. And the amount of, like, vitriol and hate that came out of my friend's mouth, I was just so, like...
00:49:30
Speaker
disgusted because it's like girl just because they're ugly and gross doesn't mean that they don't get to like up yeah they're like 50 feet away just looking yeah yeah yeah who cares oh i yeah that that is weird that was so like and like they've been doing better i'm not trying to shit on them completely on this podcast if they end up do listening to this but there's still kind of that like
00:49:54
Speaker
it gives like insecurity to be like a hot person. It's like, we get it. You're hot. And like, you have hot people around you and like this, this, and this, but it's like, Haven't you proved that to yourself yet? And I just feel like when we're around a specifically a lot of gay guys, something happens to them and they just like lose all self-control. That reminds me of like high school where people would want to be friends with people who are cooler than them.
00:50:19
Speaker
Like they wouldn't want to hang out with people that they or they think other people might think are lame. Like that to me never made sense. Yeah, it's like a lighter version of that because it's more like it's more where they like direct their energy towards rather than it's like it's not like they don't want to be friends with like loser and lames.
00:50:38
Speaker
But I feel like if there's a hot got white guy like it. OK, we were in Mexico together, right? I hooked up with a Scottish guy the night before and he's very conventionally attractive, tall, muscular, like handsome guy.
00:50:50
Speaker
I'm with my friends the next day. ah We go to some random karaoke bar when I see the guy that I hooked up with. Like, and he's, you know, I'm with ah like, including us. He's like one of the other like hot guys at the bar.
00:51:02
Speaker
My friend knows that I just hooked up with this man like last night. Like his dick is still wet from my saliva. Yeah. And he runs over to him like a puppy. Like you could like it's so obvious to see that he was flirting.
00:51:14
Speaker
And it's not even like I'm like territorial like that. But it's like i've out of all the guys here yeah that I'm with, of course, you were the one that went straight for this man within 10 minutes of being here. like Yeah, that's a lot.
00:51:27
Speaker
it's It was just like, girl, you're really playing into your own stereotypes. Truly, no, truly, which a tangent, but what is your rule for like, if you hooked up with someone and like a friend, ah do you have boundaries about that? Like, do you like, ah even like, let's say people you've dated, do you, are you okay with friends dating them subsequently? Or how do you go about that?
00:51:51
Speaker
No, I don't give a shit. You can do whatever you want. I think the thing is, as long as... Like, I would want there to be, like... Like, with that one... like because my friend did know that I just hooked up with this man. He should have asked me, like, hey, can I try? And I would have been like, yeah, go for it, girl.
00:52:05
Speaker
Like, just, like, a level of communication is fine. But I have definitely... Like, my old toxic trait used to be, like... I used to get mad at people. I used to be one of the bitches that get mad when I didn't get a text back.
00:52:17
Speaker
If I see you like post on Instagram and be like, but you have a text me me back though. Oh, yeah. I kind of, I made the radical shift of what you do with your body and your time is none of my business.
00:52:27
Speaker
Yeah. So like with people I date, it's like, if you want to fuck my friend, like that's cool. Yeah. But I feel like, and ah like in terms of like a respect thing, it's just like a check-in would be nice, but I'm never going to say no. Right. are you Or even just like an FYI, like I respect when someone's like, you might not, you might not like this, but I'm about to do it.
Letting Go and Personal Growth
00:52:46
Speaker
If someone says that to me, I'm not even, I'm going to like what you do. Someone could be like, Oh, I'm about to punch you in the face right now, but I'm going to do it. And like, Yeah, go ahead. You're a good bitch for that. Good for you. Good for you. And I'll be like this.
00:52:58
Speaker
Yeah. ready That's so funny. I used to be the same way if, like, I am texting someone and they're not responding and then I see that they're, like, doing something, like posting on social media or whatever. It used to drive me nuts.
00:53:13
Speaker
And then I realized, oh, it's not me. It's them. is But also, I also realized, too, like... When I get busy, it's like there's just certain messages where you literally just don't deal with it later.
00:53:26
Speaker
You'll deal with it later, but I need to post this thirst trap now. Yes, I get it. I get it. I get And I but the yeah, I think it's a better mentality to rather than try to think of all the scenarios someone else is thinking of. Just be like, mind your business.
00:53:38
Speaker
Yeah, that's also a self form of self care is minding your fucking business. Agreed. When you mind your business, you will be like you have this much left to nirvana.
00:53:50
Speaker
yeah What will bridge the gap? um I think letting go of completely of desire and expectation. Yeah, that's hard. But those are the only other two forms of suffering left.
00:54:02
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Because and like desire is a really tough one to get rid of. Like you got to be fasting for days for that one. You got to be not talking to anybody. Like there's so much desire and my life personally. And and exactly.
00:54:17
Speaker
and yeah we we Everyone could see desire. And expectations is like, That's hard too. That's also a hard one because you just, we all expect things. You expect to like, I expect a certain level of respect for my friends, but it's like, do I have a right to do that? Do I not like, but not just from your friends, but also in life. Like for example, I don't expect respect from people anymore. Not, not people, not people, but like things.
00:54:43
Speaker
Like you expect that you worked hard enough. You deserve the next phase in your life. You're going to get it. but but You expect the groceries to be there at the door. You expect the water to run from your tap.
00:54:55
Speaker
And true, there will come a day when that shit won't be happening anymore. And it will feel surreal. Yeah. When like the world is ending. Literally. Well, I mean, like the skies are always smog every summer. Yeah.
00:55:07
Speaker
You know, from forest buyers. Yeah. Yeah. It is what it is.
00:55:13
Speaker
Okay. What as a self-care thing you're bad at but trying?
00:55:22
Speaker
Maybe letting go of things. Like letting go of like expectations, I think. Like I really, i am that bitch that's like, I, for example, I remember, so I still pray, but like whenever I feel like it, it's not like I don't do the whole five times a day thing.
00:55:40
Speaker
But when I do feel like talking to God and I'm like praying for things that used to be a long time ago, I would pray for tangible things. Like I want a good grade on this exam.
00:55:52
Speaker
I want this car. I want that. But now I've shifted my intentions to be more like bring good things to me. keep bad things away from me, blah, blah, blah, because I don't know what those things are. Like, maybe getting that car, I'll crash it next week, you know? Right. So I think... That's so Islamic, of like, mentality of, like, ah yeah, you know, maybe you're not rich because if you were rich, you'd be sinful. Yeah.
00:56:21
Speaker
Right. It's just like making excuses for your shitty ass life. but but ah But it really that I'm trying to like change my outlook. like I don't want need to... like For example, I have a DJ gig coming up next week and I like have to let go of that expectation of it needs to go a certain way. It's okay if I flock.
00:56:42
Speaker
It's not the end of the world. I don't need this. like I always have to remind myself that. But then I say that But I am still very nervous. You know what I mean? Like I still get that and show you I still get like.
00:56:54
Speaker
Yeah. I'm like I want people to like it. You know. But then why? Like. Yeah. So it's like back and forth. But I guess it's like. It's always. I mean for me it's always helpful. I mean it's hard. Because when I was doing comedy. I used to get so nervous.
00:57:06
Speaker
And then now that I've quit. And I think about it now. I'm like how fucking stupid was I? Like that. It's just like taking yourself seriously. Is going to be your biggest downfall. Absolutely. Nothing is that serious. It does not matter. Ever that serious. Yeah. You in that one comedy club or one venue or whatever, it's not going to change anything.
00:57:26
Speaker
No, and it's like, the thing is, I guess, like, when i did flop that one time, I guess it kind of made me realize that it's like, I'm not embarrassed of flopping, but I'm flopping right now because I don't care. And I don't care about this thing, so why... When I don't care about something, it's taking away from my battery.
00:57:46
Speaker
But, like, doing this podcast, like, adds to my battery. Like, every message we get, every comment, like, all the little, like, things that, like... Yeah. feed Yeah. You know?
00:57:57
Speaker
Yeah. A lot of people actually two of my friends reached out about the that three minute reel. They actually watched it the whole way through because they all messaged me about the Molly thing and the Molly thing was at the end of the three minute reel.
00:58:09
Speaker
Yeah. So I was like, oh, that's nice. They actually watched the whole way through. People liked it from because that's the way people are watching this podcast if they are like most people. Right. I think like collectively, maybe each episode gets like 150 views between every platform, maybe 200 minutes between every platform. Like, look and I don't know how much they're actually watching.
00:58:29
Speaker
Yeah. 20 minutes, 30 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What am I trying that I am getting better at? I like I've always been on my sweetheart journey.
00:58:42
Speaker
I've always been trying i like as I've gained more capacity as i um find stability in this world and like my place in it.
00:58:54
Speaker
I have been able to give more sympathy and empathy than I've ever been. It's still not a lot. It's still not a a shit ton. But like I am really.
00:59:06
Speaker
glad you are aware of that at least. Yeah, instead of you being like, wow, I am so perfect right now. I'm completely like... I don't know. I'll list all my problems right now. Like, I don't think I get very self-righteous.
00:59:18
Speaker
I'm sloppy. I'm a cunt. I'm pretty shallow.
00:59:25
Speaker
i have deep emotional attachment issues. And like, I don't know, there's definitely some like... ah Generational trauma. generational trauma but I like BPD BPD or autism or like ADHD mm-hmm cute its that's a tasty one I know but the thing is like we're in the era of like those identities kind of give you clout yeah and it's like
00:59:53
Speaker
it's Maybe it's toxic for me because, like, I don't know. People are like, like in the way that, like, Trisha Paytas kind of has her, like, her that way she got attention, it kind of, like, it it it validated maybe more of her toxic traits. Yes.
01:00:10
Speaker
So then she kept doing it. She kept doing it. But what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to like refine. Like I see the things that people like and enjoy and the things about me that bring people joy.
01:00:22
Speaker
so rather than like completely change it, it's like, how can i you know, refine this for it to be more... mature more uh uh less destructive like because you know on the fire sign yeah more controlled like the fire is the center of like a home but it can also burn the fucking thing absolutely but the thing about fire is you have to respect it you know you have to feed it you have to fan it right you have to watch it that's a great analogy And I do talk about myself like that. It's like, don't let me dominate you. yeah i also respect me.
01:00:55
Speaker
Yes. Like, you have to keep me in check every now and then. but like and I do invite them. I have to get better at understanding, like, the subtle ways in which people show that, you know, they're uncomfortable, they're apprehensive.
01:01:12
Speaker
But at the same time, I'm not going to burden in myself with that too much because, again, I am still a queer Palestinian and, like, all you bitches are fucking vultures. Yeah. So just because you're a vulture with a broken leg doesn't mean that if your leg wasn't broken, you'd be trying to fucking pick up pick
Podcast Future Considerations
01:01:28
Speaker
my eye out, bitch. Right, right, right, right. You know, I'm not going to kick you while you're down, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm trying to help you.
01:01:34
Speaker
Right. That's growth. Recognizing that. I agree. I think, yeah, like you're aware of your labels and your situation. People need to be aware of theirs.
01:01:45
Speaker
Exactly. Like I know where I'm trying to go and we're not go like I see my path forward a little bit and what I hope it is. And that's what I'm walking on and I'm open.
01:01:58
Speaker
Yeah.
01:02:01
Speaker
an hour and two minutes. I think that is the episode. I wasn't going to say. I was going to say I ate with that ending. You did, actually. Add more. No, I don't want have the last laugh. was going to say this might be the last episode in a while, by the way.
01:02:19
Speaker
Oh, that's crazy. Because... You don't want to find, like, a sporadic time to fill film an episode here and there? We could, but wouldn't it be... You could. No, no, no, no. You could. I could, but wouldn't it be better? Wouldn't it make more sense to, like... Because I'd rather us not, like, release one episode a month in the next two months.
01:02:40
Speaker
Wouldn't it make sense to maybe take a break and then come back and, like, resume as if it's, like, season two? Oh, like, i okay, so I was actually thinking also about a hiatus.
01:02:54
Speaker
But it doesn't have to be like what we could still film like one or two episodes in the next. Okay. The thing is, oh but yeah as there's like if we film one or two episodes in the next two months, I think it makes sense to not release them until we're back on a consistent schedule.
01:03:08
Speaker
Like they can be like reserved schedule, like like kind of like what we did in the beginning where we had a couple episodes that were just waiting to be published. I think it makes sense to be publishing regularly and not have interruptions.
01:03:23
Speaker
Okay, I have to remind myself to take it not that seriously because it's not life or death anyway. Yeah, but what are you feeling? I was also feeling like, oh, ah i was actually thinking the other day, was like, oh, I want to tell Hailey, like, we should take a break.
01:03:35
Speaker
Like, I was feeling, like, tired and I have other shit to do. And I'm like, nah, whatever. Like, it'll always be there. But then i told I was talking to my friend Brendan about it. And then he was like, why? You just got started. as doing Like, kind of what how I was feeling in the first place. And I was like, no, that's so true.
01:03:51
Speaker
But. But I mean, we're still going to be here. I don't think. We're going to be here. I actually think a break is fine. Yeah, I think we could. I think it's fine. How about we'll think about it and then we can talk about it again if we to.