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54: A Widower’s Advice On Living Life To The Fullest with Brandon Janous (Part 3)
318 Plays3 years ago
In this week’s episode, Part 3 of the conversation with Brandon Janous brings us to the present day. Since the initial conversation Jill Devine had with Brandon in 2021, a lot has happened in the Janous family, but one of the biggest things is the publication of Brandon’s first book, Just Do!. Here’s part of the introduction Brandon wrote for the book:
This wasn’t how I’d expected my first book to begin. To be honest, before Rachel got sick, I’d already written much of what you’ll read if you keep going. And for the most part, it’s not sad. I had no intention of making you cry or bringing you to tears. Actually, what I’d written before cancer was fun, exciting, joyful, funny, and all the other feel-good words. But then life happened. Life has a way of doing that. It just happens. It would be easy for you to read that opening passage and think that you’ve stumbled upon a book full of pain and sorrow. But I’m here to assure you that what you’ll find in the following pages isn’t that. Yes, we lost Rachel. Yes, I’m going to spend some time talking about that season because she deserves to be talked about, and her story deserves to be told. Yes, it’s sad and hard and may not make sense most days. But what you’re not going to find is a book about death or dying. That’s not what this is. That’s not what Rachel would have wanted. It’s not littered with stories from the hospital or the cancer center. It could be because there were so many beautiful lessons during those days. But that’s not what this story is. It’s actually quite the opposite. This book is about living. It’s about loving. It’s about doing. Because that’s what Rachel chose to do every single moment of every single day. She lived. She loved. And even as she was dying, she continued to do. My hope for this book is that through sharing more of our families’ stories, you choose to live and love a little differently going forward.
Instagram and Facebook: @brandonjanous
Two Kids and A Career: https://www.jilldevine.com/podcast
Normal Goes A Long Way Website: https://www.normalgoesalongway.com/
Normal Goes A Long Way Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/normalgoesalongway/
Normal Goes A Long Way Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Normal-Goes-A-Long-Way-110089491250735
Normal Goes A Long Way is brought to you by Messiah St. Charles: https://messiahstcharles.org/
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Transcript
Introduction: Jill's Faith Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
The following podcast is a Jill Devine Media production. Christianity has become known for judgy people, strange words, ancient stories, confusing rules, and a members-only mindset. This is why I stayed away from the church for so long, but it's not supposed to be that way. I'm Jill Devine, a former radio personality with three tattoos, a love for a good tequila, and who's never read the entire Bible.
00:00:24
Speaker
Yet here I am hosting a podcast about faith. The Normal Goes Along Way podcast is your home for real conversations with real people using real language about how faith and real life intersect. Welcome to the conversation.
Welcoming Brandon Janice Back
00:00:39
Speaker
I am so super excited about this week's guest returning for a second time. I just, I can't stop thinking about you, Brandon. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about your family. I'm welcoming back Brandon Janice to the podcast. How are you doing? I'm doing great. And that's, it's an honor that you would welcome me back. I've gotten two times to be with you. It's so sweet.
00:01:08
Speaker
I appreciate you wanting to continue to allow us to share our story and the story of Rachel. So thank you for having me.
00:01:16
Speaker
Oh, I was just hopeful that you weren't too, too busy and that you would say, yes, I'll come back. And all things or that my hysterical crying in our last episode and the it was so funny because I got some feedback from people that just absolutely loved that episode. And I had a friend of mine who she was just trying to poke fun at me, but she's like, Jill, you got to get it together, girl.
00:01:46
Speaker
There was no way. Let's talk about that a little bit for the listener that has maybe not had a chance to listen to that episode. I will have it linked in the show notes.
Rachel's Legacy and Family Preparation
00:02:00
Speaker
The reason why I have you back is to talk about what has transpired in between The passing of Rachel and where we are now, but I do want to give I want to just give some honor to Rachel and talk a little bit about her. Can you? you know, I know it's hard to say briefly summarize but talk a little bit about Rachel and What happened to her?
00:02:26
Speaker
Yeah, so first Rachel was the best human being I've ever gotten to know in my entire life. And I fell in love with her and chased her for 10 years and eventually talked her into marrying me. And we were married for just under 10 years before cancer took her life. We have three precious children, Hadley, Cooper, and Macklin. And man, I got to spend
00:02:54
Speaker
some incredible years with her. She spent the rest of her life with me. I did not get to spend the rest of my life with her, but cancer got her and took over her body and eventually led to her passing on March 1st of 2020, leaving me a single dad to three. But Rachel, as you know, Jill, in our past discussion, she prepared us so well for what was next. She was the most selfless human being
00:03:23
Speaker
Again, I've ever had the privilege to be around and so everything that she did and her final few months because we were told that she wasn't going to get better.
00:03:33
Speaker
We believe that God could do some incredible things and we continue to pray for a miracle. But medically speaking, there was nothing they could do. Rachel turned to just making sure that we would be okay. And gosh, I mean, I've been told many times that, you know, well, after a few months, people will go back to their lives or after a year, you know, they'll forget about that or after, you know, whatever that timetable may be that you won't feel people anymore. And we just had my daughter's baptism yesterday.
00:04:03
Speaker
And you would not believe the army of people that showed up and continue to show up in our lives because they told Rachel they would. And it's just a beautiful thing. We are so loved. We are so taken care of. I hate that I'm doing life without her, but she prepared us as well as she could for the season of life with no mommy and no wife.
Rachel's Battle with Cancer
00:04:25
Speaker
Yeah, that is what still gets me. I want to back up and say that it was a quick diagnosis as far as from when she was diagnosed and when she passed because she was diagnosed on April 17th, 2018. And like you said, she passed on March 1st, 2020.
00:04:49
Speaker
Gosh, I can't even imagine how much you guys had to accomplish in such a short time. Yeah, that's so true. We were actually given a clean bill of health about a year in. She had breast cancer and
00:05:08
Speaker
and kicked it and you know we were told I get is gone it is not coming back now Rachel never never felt that she felt that it would but always come back for some reason Rachel felt that that was that was her purpose was to be here. And the cancer would eventually take her life and so when it did come back in August of 2019. It came back in her spine.
00:05:31
Speaker
And at that point, when it metastasized like that, there's no getting rid of it. You can't remove spine, right? You can't remove bone. And so we knew we were in for a long haul. We did not expect it to be that quick, but it had gotten into her bones and then eventually her spinal fluid and then her brain. And it was pretty quick after that. So we knew a few months before she passed that
00:06:01
Speaker
you know, we had to live the last few months the best we could. And, you know, a lot of people will, you have a few different ways you can choose to do that. And Rachel chose to make sure everybody was taken care of, to make sure she was sharing the good news and what the Lord had done in her life and continues to do in her life and never complained, never had the woe is me attitude.
00:06:27
Speaker
It was a beautiful thing to watch as hard as it was. It was so beautiful the way she was able to share so much good and so much joy and such a hard time. But didn't you say to that before this diagnosis that Rachel was just a lover of life? Like she did not take any day for granted.
00:06:53
Speaker
No, you're exactly right. That's what drew me to her to begin with. I remember when I first met her, my parents were like, what is it about her? She just would make life so much more fun. That sounds shallow, but that matters. When you have so many years to live your life, you want it to be fun.
00:07:12
Speaker
Rachel made every single day more fun and that's how she lived, that's how she loved. I mean she never met a stranger, she did all she could to accept people right where they were, never wanted to change you, never wanted to make you better. She loved you where you were and walked alongside you and
00:07:36
Speaker
was just a constant encourager. She was a noticer. She just showed up and noticed when people needed help.
Conversations on Love and Loss
00:07:44
Speaker
Didn't ask for permission. She just did. And taught us along the way how to do the same thing. And I fall short on a daily basis, but I got to learn from the best again that I know to do it.
00:08:01
Speaker
And that's always my biggest gripe about myself, like living each day to its fullest. And we're gonna get into that because you have some tips and tricks now, but I wanna go back to something that you were talking about with Rachel preparing all of you. So I was, before this interview, I was talking to some coworkers about
00:08:26
Speaker
who I was interviewing and our first interview and some of the things that you had told me. And as I was telling them, their eyes were welling up and I said, that's exactly what happened to me. And one of the examples that I'll give is that you and we didn't specifically talk about this on the last episode, but you did this on social media. And you said that one of the things that you and Rachel talked about
00:08:56
Speaker
You said schedule a date night with your spouse and have the death talk. And you're like, I know that's not sexy and not fun, but here's why. And you explained that
00:09:12
Speaker
Rachel said to you, I'm paraphrasing so you can chime in, but she wanted you to keep living your life after her, and she wanted you to find someone that made you happy, and she wanted you to find someone that would also be there for the kids. Those are tough conversations.
00:09:33
Speaker
to be prepared like none of us want to do that but gosh it would suck to not know and to just be going through life and think oh my gosh what would they want me to do so yes the conversations are hard.
00:09:49
Speaker
But from your experience, do you feel this sense of calm because of those conversations? Absolutely. It's funny. I know this is not a book promo, but I actually just wrote a book, as you know. Yeah, we're gonna talk about it. I did not.
00:10:07
Speaker
share publicly ever was about the things that were said in our last date. I think I shared that we had a last date. We were in the hospital and Rachel said, you know, all I want is a big old tub of movie theater popcorn and a large Coke, right? That's all she wanted for our last date. And there was very few times where it was just she and I in the room because so many people wanted to come see Rachel and visit Rachel. And so we did. We had a couple hours where it became our last date. And I didn't know that she had planned this. I didn't know
00:10:37
Speaker
To this day, I don't know when she planned it and when she wrote these things down, but she had eight things that she wanted from me written down in her phone. And at this point, she wasn't able to really keep her thoughts straight. She wasn't able to talk a ton. She was super tired, but she had me read those eight things to her. And the very first one was, you know, I want you to find love again. In true Rachel way.
00:11:06
Speaker
Uh, or true Rachel form. She's, you know, I'm actually reading it right now. She said, not today or in two weeks. That would be super weird. And I want you behind your back, but sooner than later, I want you to find love again. This is so important to me. I want you to find someone that will love you like I do. I want you to find someone that will love the kids like I do. I want you to find someone that will root you on and all your crazy ideas. At the same time, I wanted to understand that just because I'm gone.
00:11:30
Speaker
it doesn't mean you stopped loving me. I want her to know that you'll always love me, but that she doesn't have to compare, she doesn't have to compare with me. I'm not coming back to take you away from her and I'll be her biggest fan from up there. But I also want her to know that if she screws this up, if she messes with your heart or my babies, she will feel my wrath and believe me, she doesn't want that. So that was one of the things that, one of my eight things and you know,
00:11:58
Speaker
I obviously, Jill would have eventually moved on permission or not because life is short and I have so many years left to live and I want a partner. I want to do life with somebody, but giving your person that freedom and then making it known to all the other people too.
00:12:21
Speaker
the people that are in our village, in our tribe, knowing that, man, that's really what Rachel wanted, right? It made those times easier when I do date or when I do find someone that it's honoring Rachel as much as it is myself and the kids. And so very important conversation.
00:12:42
Speaker
I don't know, Jill, that I would have been in that state to say that at that point. And it shows a lot more about her as a person. I know a lot of people would have a hard time having that conversation. But man, if you really love your person, I can't imagine you wanting them to be lonely and single and doing life alone forever. And so getting that permission was more than anyone could ever know.
00:13:11
Speaker
Yeah, it's those tough conversations and the thing that hit me when you were reading that too is
00:13:20
Speaker
What a great way, though, to talk about Rachel with a future partner, like joking around and explaining how she is. That's another great way. I can't imagine it would be easy at any time, but wow.
00:13:42
Speaker
That makes it, like you said, it's so much easier to explain and to talk to people about. We are going to transition into the book. And when I saw that you were doing this, I was like, yes. So yes, yes, yes. I just love this. It's called Just Do. And it is stories about discovering purpose, gaining perspectives, and being present.
Writing Inspired by Rachel
00:14:10
Speaker
And I'm like, dang, this is exactly what I need in my life. This is, this is what everyone needs in their life. And I know it's because I follow you on social media and I see what you put out there. Like the fact that you show up for your kids every day, but you feel the same as a lot of us where despite
00:14:39
Speaker
what kind of situation we're in. We feel like we fail or we feel like we don't give enough. And I look at you and I'm like, dang, he is a single dad. His kids lost their mom. He lost his wife, his partner. And
00:15:01
Speaker
What I get from you is that don't think about it that way. Don't look at me as a, quote unquote, charity case. Yeah, you are in a situation where it is tough, but you're like, listen.
00:15:18
Speaker
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something and be there and you will fail and it's okay, but you got to keep showing up and that's what I am just so so humbled by and like just keep going and I see what you're doing and I I just want to talk about that. I want to talk about
00:15:39
Speaker
Was this something, the book that when Rachel was going through her cancer, it came to mind afterwards? Where did it transpire? Yeah, that's a great question. And thank you for saying the things you did.
00:15:54
Speaker
So actually it was one of her eight things. So you're going to get me to read the whole book, not one of her eight things on number six. Um, again, I've never shared this publicly, but number six, um, says I want you to finish your book. You've been talking about it for way too long. People are tired of hearing about it and probably don't even believe you'll do it anymore. Stop talking about it, babe. Stop thinking about it. It's getting old. Please do me a favor and just do. And, um, so I had been, you know, I don't know if we talked about this, but, um, I had been,
00:16:23
Speaker
a very absent spouse and father for the first five years of my kid's life. I was on the road a lot speaking and doing different events and I was doing what I was supposed to do by being a provider. I thought that's what my role was and that's not what Rachel wanted and she wanted someone to do life with.
00:16:45
Speaker
and parent with, and have a spouse with her. And so she came up with this bright idea to move into a motor home together and travel with me everywhere I went, which I thought was an asinine idea at the time, with three kids under five years old. But she wasn't going to take no for an answer. Honestly, I wrote about it, but I remember the call. She's like, we're going to come with you. And I'm like, you mean like everywhere? And she's like, yeah, I mean like everywhere. And so it took
00:17:13
Speaker
That's when my perspective began to change. It took me living in 40 feet and nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no office to go into, no door to close. I'm doing our entire lives together for a whole year, again, with three kids under five. That's when I began to realize how off I was, how my priorities were totally out of whack, how everything seemed more important than the most important thing, which was Rachel and the kids.
00:17:43
Speaker
I'm very open about how bad I was. One of my buddies read the book and he's like, bro, you really beat yourself up. I feel like someone needs to come in here and talk about you're not that bad, but I was that bad. And it took Rachel realizing, look, this isn't the life I signed up for.
00:17:59
Speaker
We're going to come do it with you." And so that's when I started to write, Jill. I started to write little lessons that I learned from the road that year by simply listening, by watching my children, by listening to some of the things Rachel would say and the way she'd communicate.
00:18:17
Speaker
It was just a beautiful year. I wish I could. I would do it again right now if I could, but that year was by far the best year of our lives. It was right before Rachel got diagnosed, so we had no idea this was going to happen. If you think God didn't have something to do with that, you're crazy. This was all part of His perfect plan.
00:18:41
Speaker
It made me a better husband. It made me a better dad. It made me a better friend. It made me a better coworker. It just made me better because my priorities completely flipped and I began to keep
00:18:56
Speaker
the main people, the main people in the story. And so I wrote a bunch from the road that year. I had planned on putting this book out just about that year, and then Rachel got sick. And so I stopped that process and began to write through our journey, our cancer journey, as you could see if you follow me. And then the question was, how do I tie these things together? Because I can't put a book out about the RV years without
00:19:24
Speaker
where we are today. I just couldn't figure out how to do that. It seemed disingenuine. And then I didn't want to put a book out about just the sick journey, because I think there's so much joy that would have been missed out. And I wanted to tie them together. So we talked offline, but I met with Bob Goff, who some people may know. I went to a writer's retreat with him, and he kind of helped me put it together. He said, man, it just makes sense. And this is how we're going to do it.
00:19:51
Speaker
So that was kind of an aha moment around a campfire with Bob helping me put a beginning, middle, and end on this thing. And so that's what I did. I met with a buddy and we decided we were going to do it because I don't like logistics. I don't like a lot of the stuff that comes into getting
00:20:10
Speaker
a book done there's like the admin stuff. There's so many things and he said here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna do all the stuff you don't want to do I just want you to write and we're gonna hit a Christmas deadline so people can have it by Christmas so so we have 45 days we got to go get it done and so for 45 days minus the weekends from 7 a.m. when the kids got on the bus to 252 when they get off the bus I wrote and it was the most enjoyable
00:20:38
Speaker
45 days. I had so much fun, and I remember getting to that last chapter. I knew it was going to be the last chapter. My time was running up, and I finished it, and I was so sad, Jill. I'm like, what am I going to do now? This is so much fun and healing.
00:20:58
Speaker
It was just beautiful. It was a beautiful time for me. And it happened. And we got it done in 45 days and just thrilled about the entire process. But that was one of the things Rachel made me promise that I'd get it done. And so I don't know that anyone will read it, Jill. I did not promise her that people would read it. But I promise I can get it done. And myself and the kids have a book. And they're as thrilled as I am about it.
00:21:21
Speaker
We are definitely not finished speaking with Brandon. So please join me next week for part four of the conversation with Brandon. And here's a little sneak peek of what to expect in that episode.
00:21:35
Speaker
But it's amazing what happens when you put the phone down and you spend 10 minutes with the kid who's asking you to play, throw the ball, shoot to hoop, whatever it may be. 10 minutes to a kid is an eternity. The call can wait, the webinar can wait, the podcast can wait. Life has to happen. You have to get your work done. I totally understand that.
00:21:56
Speaker
I'll never regret putting it down, listening to them. One of the things that Rachel always said was, listen with your whole face, not the top of your head, right? When you're scrolling through your phone, listen with your whole face.