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EP 04: Meet Shannon - Feeling empowered as a stay at home mom
3.6k Plays3 years ago
In part three of our three part “Meet the Moms Deep Dive” and we meet Shannon! Shannon took a pause in her career after having her son to be at home. She discusses how she struggled with finding identity as a full time parent, how she feels the term “stay at home mom” is outdated, and how societal expectations for women can make it hard to choose being at home. She talks about the importance of communication with your partner, and how she feels more herself than ever during this time in life.
Mentioned Links: @motheruntitled
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Transcript
Introduction and Giggles
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it. Oh, we're going to get into it. Come with us, Mama. She does. I'm here with my two best friends, Shannon and Whitney. And this is the mom group chat podcast.
00:00:22
Speaker
Oh, we're coming off a strong gig fest. Yeah. Giggly fest. Oh, man. Oh, my God. That was intense. I thought I was never going to get out of there. It truly you said it best when you said I feel like I'm in high school. You know, when you're in class and you can't.
00:00:38
Speaker
You can't stop laughing. Yeah. Everything's
High School Reunion Stories
00:00:41
Speaker
a trigger. Yeah. Which brings me to think about my, um, or really our experience at our 10 year high school reunion in church. Oh my God. Do you remember that? Yes. We were so hungover from what in high school? No, this was our 10 year class reunion. Okay. I totally missed that one. Although there was a hungover mass in high school.
00:01:03
Speaker
I don't remember that. I'm sure there was another story. It's a story for another time. But there was a situation where we were in church. We were hungover from our 10 year. It was a 10 year high school reunion. I was in charge of planning it. Yes. Which is a dress. I was the press. We're with the queen. Yeah. I.
00:01:23
Speaker
didn't realize that being president, you have to plan all your unions for all eternity. But anyways, I'm planning it and I'm like trying to get good attendance because we want the nuns to see that we showed up like our class did the best. So the night before it's Saturday, there's an event and then Sunday morning there's a mass.
00:01:44
Speaker
Saturday, we had a good show out. Like people came, we had this like little dinner and then we partied after and it was fun. But then I was like, everyone, you have to get your shit together to come to mass. This is what matters. This is where the nuns are. This is where people are going to see us. I don't think anyone showed up besides Candace.
00:02:01
Speaker
Good friend. Good friend. I was there.
Triggers of Inappropriate Laughter
00:02:05
Speaker
I was ready to show the nuns who I was. So we went to the mass and we were so hungover and we were the singer was so bad. The singer was so bad and she was off with the piano and they both just kept going.
00:02:21
Speaker
And it went on forever. It was so bad. It was so bad. And you know, when like something bad is happening and like we're just sitting there, we're hungover and we just caught the giggles like I've never had them before. I was sitting there, you know, when you're like vibrating because you're laughing so hard, but you are silently like it was just. I actually haven't had that happen to me in a long time.
00:02:45
Speaker
That was like, I remember feeling like I hadn't had that in so long. And it feels so good. And we just had it. I was scared we would never podcast again. It was going on quite some time. We couldn't get started. We had false starts. This isn't the rest of my life. You know what? I feel like starting this podcast is going to open up the door for lots of giggle sessions.
Shannon's Stay-at-Home Mom Journey
00:03:08
Speaker
Do you guys have any inappropriate laugh triggers? Like things that make you laugh but really shouldn't?
00:03:15
Speaker
I think just off the cuff things that people say make, I don't know. I was gonna say fart. Nothing, nothing makes me laugh harder than a solicited fart in silence. Like one of us accidentally tooted while talking? I think it has to be in a public space. That's funny. It has to be a silent public space. Like church, an accidental church fart. Well, it's anywhere that you shouldn't be laughing makes you laugh harder. Mine would be when people fall down.
00:03:43
Speaker
It's so funny. It is funny. Silent Films knew what they were doing with that. There's a reason they're all falling down. They were very active in acting. To get this episode going out of the Giggle Fest and back into business, on the last two episodes, we talked to Candice about her entrepreneurship.
00:04:06
Speaker
and myself being a part-time gal. Today, we're going to be focusing on Shannon and being a stay-at-home mom. To start off, I just want to start by saying she probably has one of the hardest jobs out of all of us. For sure. We all agree. It's so hard. Tough, tough. Shannon, how did you decide that the stay-at-home mom was the route you wanted to take? Thank you so much for your question.
00:04:33
Speaker
I feel like we're talking to the president. We're talking to the Psalm. Yeah. Stay at home on life. So it was a hard decision and then not a hard decision at the same time. I basically was in a career that felt like it was very much part of my identity.
00:04:49
Speaker
and really tied to who I was as a person and my value as a person. I think a lot of people deal with that. I've been in technology consulting and sales my whole career and the chapter of work before having TJ, I was at a pretty big well-known software company and I felt really proud of, you know, you're at a dinner party and you say where you work and most people like know it. They're like, oh damn. They're like, oh great.
00:05:15
Speaker
And just like that affirmation of people being like, oh, that's great. Like that was so valuable. Important to me. Oh, for sure. I enjoyed my work to an extent, but have realized that it was mostly about just getting affirmation from other people that I was doing a good job and making money. And I mean, that's a whole other thing we can get into like growing up and feeling like you, there was maybe a feeling of
00:05:44
Speaker
scarcity in your house and you know, all of the stuff that comes with that. So I was just very much into my career at the same time though very much feeling like it was taking a lot of out of me. And I always wanted to be a mom and that was always my number one goal.
00:06:01
Speaker
So when I got pregnant, it was immediately started. Like, what am I going to do? Because I knew that it would be really hard for me to give it all at home and give it all at work. And kind of like what you were talking about in the last episode, Whitney, with going part time, just the culture at my office. I felt like if I went part time, I was going to fall off the corporate ladder and not be able to get to where I want it to be.
00:06:31
Speaker
especially in sales, especially in sales. And then the other thing was looking for other women in leadership at the company who I felt like I wanted to be like or have their lives was very difficult. Every woman that was, and man too, but you know, for men it's kind of expected, but the women were outsourcing all of their child rearing and like domestic responsibilities to help, which is,
00:07:00
Speaker
great if you don't want to be involved as much in your home life and you really want your whole focus to be on the career. I don't know what their situation was with their partners, but I always wanted to be really involved with my children, especially when they were young. It was difficult because I had so much identity wrapped up in the career.
00:07:22
Speaker
I didn't want to lose that part of myself. But at the end of the day, I was like, I got to choose the baby and this like first year at home and just see how it goes. And it's been really good for me and I really enjoy it. So I'm so happy I did take that leap. The bonding is invaluable. Yeah. And I feel
Balancing Identity Beyond Motherhood
00:07:42
Speaker
like you've talked towards this before that. I mean, they're only young ones. Yeah. Those first five years are so crucial. Yeah, you're never going to get that time back.
00:07:50
Speaker
Just like you said before, it was so much of your identity. I think a lot of women struggle with that of who am I without my job or who am I without my career? What would you say has been the biggest thing that has helped you almost create a new identity? Obviously, you step into a huge identity as a mom. You don't want that to be your whole identity.
00:08:16
Speaker
What are some things that you've implemented in your day-to-day or in your life that have helped you balance things out a little bit? That is such an interesting question. I feel like I'm maybe going to have a different answer than what you think it might be. Okay.
00:08:31
Speaker
And I'm coming from somebody who was in a hardcore corporate sales environment before. So that is the experience that I had before stepping away. There was a learning curve and an adjustment period where I was like, oh shit, like who am I? But then as time has gone on, I feel like I'm more myself than I ever have been.
00:08:55
Speaker
Oh wow, I love to hear that. I kind of do too. Yeah, like some of the bullshit was stripped away when you take away like all of these markers and all of these achievements I was trying to hit like daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly, like what am I? KPIs, like I had all of these things I was running towards and feeling like once I grabbed it, then I would
00:09:21
Speaker
Feel a certain way. Yeah. Yeah, you know earning Milestones I wanted to hit like chasing all these things and having Just waiting to hear that I had done a good job Yeah, like the girl like you did a good job Take that all away and like it hurts for a little while and I'm just like do I even exist? Yeah, but now that time has gone on and
00:09:45
Speaker
I just feel way more in touch with myself, what I actually like, what actually makes me happy. I feel way more at peace, way less existential dread. Obviously, there's sometimes where I'm like, will I ever amount to anything? Is being a mom enough? And you work through those spirals you go down. And it's not forever. You can always go back to work at any point.
00:10:11
Speaker
But I think there is this level of, I know I felt this when I was in the corporate world, and I still feel it even now owning my own business. There is a point, I would say once a quarter, where I look around and I'm like, does any of this fucking matter?
00:10:28
Speaker
Okay, and I never feel that way taking care of Alice. No. It's like going to the gym. Going to the gym feels hard and you don't want to do it sometimes, but you never regret it.
00:10:44
Speaker
I mean, jury's still out because he's only a year old, but I really don't think I'll ever look back and regret slowing things down for a little period of time. Like there's this account that I follow that I'm obsessed with called motherhood untitled, I think.
00:11:01
Speaker
It's either motherhood untitled or mother title untitled. And she just talks about how it's a downshift. It's a pause. It's not necessarily like, well, I quit. I quit life. I quit the corporate world. I quit keeping up with the news. I quit being an adult in general. I live in toddler land now. It's like, no, I'm just slowing things down right now because I'm prioritizing my family during this foundation building period.
00:11:31
Speaker
One of the things I admire most about you is your conscious effort to evolve and to make yourself better, whether that's working out or reading and staying up with the news. I never feel ever like you're stuck in toddler land. Thank you. Very conversational. Sometimes I feel like I get stuck, but we all feel that.
00:11:58
Speaker
I feel like you could sit at the most prestigious dinner table and keep up. That is so nice. That is so nice. She was invited to have that Harry Potter dinner with the teacher, who's professor or somebody. All the prestigious students got this one. Oh, from the book. Oh, yeah. What? Yes. I was like, what? That's what I was... Slughorn's dinner? Yeah. Well, thank you so much.
00:12:21
Speaker
All the Harry Potter girls will give it to the table. You know me, I'm a big magic girl. Speaking of just being at home all the time and trying to balance new life, old life, what have you been doing that helps with the mental load of everything?
00:12:41
Speaker
Right. So I do have part-time help. Love it. I have a nanny that's part-time. She's amazing. She's amazing. It's probably about 18 hours, 18 to 20 hours a week that we have a babysitter. Yeah.
00:12:56
Speaker
Which makes you a better mom. Yeah, totally makes you a better mom. But I think there's this trope. It's like, okay, if a woman's working full time, like she can have full time help. She can send her kid to daycare from seven to seven. And everyone's like, cool. That's totally appropriate. If you work part time and you send your kid to daycare, totally appropriate.
00:13:17
Speaker
if you're a stay-at-home mom and you have part-time care, I feel like people are like, why? You're a stay-at-home mom.
Empowerment in Family Life
00:13:24
Speaker
And it's like, because my task list is 17 times what yours is. That's what I would say. You know how fast people like stay-at-home gets shit done because they have that window finally. It's like, voom!
00:13:34
Speaker
Oh, I feel like 10 to 12 during that nap. I'm like, let's go. I could do so much. Sure. But the babysitting does help. And I try to not feel bad about it. Like, I don't feel bad about it anymore. But in the beginning, I was very afraid of people thinking I was lazy and like,
00:13:56
Speaker
writing the coattails of my husband, and it definitely is a privilege to be able to be home, but there is so much that stay-at-home moms do. Now that I've been in it for a year, I'm like, oh, I work, I work, I have a job.
00:14:11
Speaker
So the nanny and then this is a hack that I recommend if you can find a gym in your area or a workout class where they have childcare. Like my bar studio will take the baby for during your class. So I go to a nine o'clock class. So that's pretty much like 8 30 to 10 30 is done.
00:14:32
Speaker
Yep. Driving into the class, getting to the class, working out. He's playing in the play area, taking him home. That's two hours of the day. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. So what is your favorite part about being a staying home stay at home mom?
00:14:49
Speaker
It is kind of what I was mentioning about feeling more in touch with myself. Like, I do feel more myself than I ever have. And after getting over that initial scared period of pretty much just worrying about what people were thinking about me, like at the end of the day, that's what it was. I was such a achievement oriented person and I cared so much about what my bosses thought and peers in my industry and, you know, Andrew's
00:15:19
Speaker
friends and their wives. It's like, why do I care so much? And I think after shedding that huge piece of identity with the job, the corporate job, and like landing on my feet and feeling like almost better about myself, like having more confidence, I was like,
00:15:41
Speaker
This is amazing. It's that big mental shift of feeling even more empowered in my own life than when I was working in corporate America. That's my favorite part. It's a big thing and then outside of that,
00:15:59
Speaker
I just love spending time with TJ. Like he's a terrorist sometimes for sure. And that's why the communication with Andrew is so key, getting breaks when you need them. If you can afford to have a babysitter or you have a friend who wants to do a swap with you in the neighborhood, you can have a family member, but you do have to have time by yourself to recharge.
00:16:22
Speaker
I want to touch back on your relationship with Andrew quickly because I do feel like if you're going to be a stay at home mom, there is the dynamic between you and your partner needs to be amazing and the communication has to be open and there has to be mutual respect and they have to know.
00:16:44
Speaker
everything that you're doing to keep your household running and to keep your child alive and to also keep you sane. So talk about that a little bit and like what you and Andrew do to, you know, keep that door open and to, you know, make sure everyone's happy.
00:16:59
Speaker
It's a really good point. I think there's, again, like that negative kind of old fashioned trope that a stay-at-home mom is basically like subservient to her husband and just like services the household and doesn't care about herself and like puts herself last, loses touch with herself, is basically putting herself in a dangerous position. And I just feel like that's so outdated.
00:17:28
Speaker
because Andrew and I respect each other so much. And again, he knows that this is like a period in my life where I'm slowing things down to bring this type of value to our family, but that in the future, like I can do anything I want. I could go back to work.
00:17:49
Speaker
probably won't to be honest, not full-time corporate. I don't think that that's in my future. You're a podcaster now. Exactly. Exactly. There are so many ways that women or dads who decide that they're going to be the primary caretaker for a while can bring value and make money. And the like content creation is so big now. Like people make fun of influencers. Like I don't think I could really ever be one, but
00:18:14
Speaker
It's a lot of work. It is a job. It's a legitimate job that you can do by yourself. I started an online business and make money online. It's like anyone can do it. There's so many routes. You don't always have to go to the corporate route.
00:18:29
Speaker
Right. You can become like an integral part of your community by like volunteering and like taking action on a community issue. Like there's so many ways to bring value and Andrew knows that I'm a capable person. So I think he just feels grateful that I made the decision to stay home for a little while and
00:18:53
Speaker
take the pause.
Household Dynamics and Respect
00:18:54
Speaker
I'm sure that's something that he finds attractive in you is that knowing that his children are growing up with their mother raising them at home. I think so. Yeah, for sure. Even when you say that, I feel like there's a part of me that sounds so old-fashioned. Then I get embarrassed. Do you know what I mean? No, I didn't.
00:19:14
Speaker
Oh, I know, because it's true. I would like if I thought of, you know, there's just no one better than like, I guess to me, like me or Chris watching my son. So it's like knowing that Chris is watching him today, say I'm like, that's the best feeling to me. Knowing that I'm like just a security thing that he's with you all the time. Totally. To know and have.
00:19:38
Speaker
I think where I was going is just where my insecurities and I think a lot of stay-at-home moms insecurities are bred from is thinking that your husband's like in charge of you somehow. Yeah, it's really like it's a household, it's teamwork and
00:19:58
Speaker
I feel like all dads today are, they get a lot of the work too.
Dignity in the Stay-at-Home Mom Role
00:20:03
Speaker
Like not like the olden days. Like when I think back on my parents, it's just not like that anymore and they get it. They know how hard it is and they probably realize like, wow, she's staying home all day. That's a lot of work.
00:20:15
Speaker
I do think though there is this kind of like you said like you're like, I'm resisting that statement because we live in a world that is so like pro women and feminists and I love that also. But it does leave you with this like underlying guilt for you specifically that you shouldn't have. Exactly.
00:20:36
Speaker
I do feel like one of my goals with this podcast and in my life in general now is to bring some dignity back to the stay-at-home mom. For sure. Job title. It doesn't have to be sad. It doesn't have to be this negative thing that I feel like society has put around it. There's no respect. There's no dignity in it.
00:21:02
Speaker
I have met some other women who are taking pauses in their amazing careers that they had because they just don't feel like whatever they were doing before was serving them the best way and having a child is a disruption in
Encouragement and Valuing Life's Phases
00:21:14
Speaker
your life. It is an opportunity to make changes and
00:21:19
Speaker
taking a pause in your career opens up opportunities to think about what you really want to do while you spend time with your children in their youngest phases. So I would encourage anybody who like really feels like they have a calling and they want to be home. If you can sort it out with your partner and it makes sense for your family, give it a try.
00:21:41
Speaker
I love this time at home. I'm so grateful for it. I feel like, like I said, it's made me feel more like myself. I feel so much more clear on what I want out of my life. And I don't feel like I'm just going to be home for forever. Like I know there's a second chapter coming. Give it a try. It's not permanent. You can always change your mind.
00:22:00
Speaker
You're incredible. We respect you. We love you. And what you're doing is amazing. Thank you guys. I respect and thank you guys are amazing too. There's no right way to do it. That's why we wanted to do these three episodes to show like...
00:22:18
Speaker
We're all doing different things, different ways. It all works and it's fun. There's one million different ways to do motherhood and to do your life with this new little being. They're all valid and correct. Don't be embarrassed if you want to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. I think about it often. Join us. Unfortunately, it's not on the cards for us right now.
00:22:46
Speaker
Here's the other thing I'll say real quick. Maternity leave in America is usually three months. If you have any, I will say my company had a very generous maternity leave policy of six months. But even at that point, like your baby is still so little. It's okay if that feels weird to you and you don't want to go back to work at that point. I would say around 10 months, 11 months, I finally was feeling like
00:23:08
Speaker
I want to work again. I want to do something. I went back to work after eight weeks and it was not long enough. I would never do that again. I have said now I would never ever do anything less than really... I did 14 weeks. Yeah, I want to do 16. That's what feels more comfortable. But even then, I don't think I'd be fully ready. I really didn't feel like myself from a work perspective until nine or 10 months postpartum. Yeah, agreed.
00:23:36
Speaker
It's so hard. Yeah. Yeah. I would say about that period is when I was thinking I want to take something on, I don't want to go full time, but you know, I talked to Andrew about helping him out with his business. We talked about doing this and yeah, I'm starting to feel like that creative kind of work juice happening again, but he's still my first priority and that's how I want to organize my life right now.
Closing Remarks
00:24:00
Speaker
Yeah. All right. Where's that little nugget? I'm going to go give him a kiss. A loose nug.
00:24:05
Speaker
All right. Love you guys. Love you. Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And don't forget the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there. All right. Got to go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.