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EP 75: Decoding Kid's Behavior with Lauren from Behavior Talk Mama
2.2k Plays1 year ago
This week, we’re diving deep into the world of child behavior with Lauren from Behavior Talk Mama! Lauren is a behavior analyst and mom who’s passionate about helping parents understand what’s really going on with their kids.
In this episode, we cover:
- The most common behavioral challenges parents face and how to address them effectively.
- Practical tools and strategies for navigating tantrums, sibling conflict, and power struggles.
- How understanding behavior can help parents feel more confident and less overwhelmed.
- Real-life examples of how small shifts can lead to big changes in your home.
Lauren also shares her insights on balancing her work as a behavior analyst with motherhood and why she believes connection is key when it comes to improving behavior.
Grab a cup of coffee (or reheat the one you’ve been sipping all morning) and tune in for this helpful, relatable, and inspiring conversation.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Follow Lauren on Instagram: @BehaviorTalkMama
Better Bedtimes Course + PDF Guide: https://stan.store/behaviortalkmama/p/betterbedtimes
Code: MGC20 for 20% off exclusively for our listeners until the New Year!)
Proactive Parenting Guide Waitlist (coming soon!): https://behaviortalkmama.myflodesk.com/waitlist
Don’t forget to subscribe to Mom Group Chat and leave us a review if you’re loving the show!
Join the official Mom Group Chat Facebook group: Mom Group Chat | Facebook
Keep up with the Moms and join the conversation on our socials:
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Questions/comments/need to vent? Email us at momgroupchat@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Appearance
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it.
00:00:12
Speaker
Oh, we're going to get into it. What up moms? My name is Candice and I am joined with Whitney and this is the mom group chat podcast. We are so excited for today's episode because we have a very special guest joining us. If you're on Instagram, you might already know her as behavior talk mama.
00:00:31
Speaker
Lauren is a board certified behavior analyst, and she's passionate about helping parents navigate the sometimes messy and often overwhelming world of child behavior, whether it's tackling tantrums, setting boundaries, or just trying to who survive those tricky toddler years. Lauren's here to share her insights, expertise, and maybe even a little reassurance that we're not completely screwing it up. So this is so long overdue. We've been talking with Lauren on Instagram for six, seven months, honestly. And between the hurricanes and everything that happened, this has been so long overdue. So we are so excited to have you, Lauren. Welcome. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. I feel like we could talk to you every day about something. Truly. No, like we should just have a segment in our show called like Behavior Talk Mama like joins the chat because every single episode and we would have a question for you. Well, I'm here for it. Very personally, like
00:01:28
Speaker
Every day, I'm like, what is going on? Like these kids are so crazy, so cute, but so crazy sometimes. So hu duly noted. But we are so excited to meet you, Lauren.
Lauren's Background and Motivation
00:01:41
Speaker
um Can you just tell us a little bit about yourself, your background, and how you started Behaviour Talk Mama on Instagram?
00:01:51
Speaker
Yeah, so um I have two kids of my own. Ray is my four-year-old son and Vera is my one-year-old daughter. So I'm truly in the thick of it with you guys. ah But taking it back several years, when I first graduated my undergrad um with a psych degree, I got home and I needed a job. So I started working in like a gym daycare just to like do something.
00:02:17
Speaker
And a boy there had autism and I just truly loved working with him and his parents ended up hiring me as like to babysit for date nights and stuff. So I just really formed a bond with this young boy and that led me into the world of ABA, Applied Behavior Analysis. So that was like where my first big girl job was, was just being hired by a company doing ABA work with kids with autism.
00:02:41
Speaker
through that, actually it's like a fine story because my very first week on the job, I had a client and I went to their house and there was another agency in there too. And we just happened to overlap sessions. ah First week on the job, my boss couldn't be there and I'm like literally like, what am I doing? Like this is, I've never done this before. Like just trying to like wing it and like seem competent enough.
00:03:05
Speaker
After the session ended, we were walking out to our cars and this woman who owns this other agency was like, I'm going to steal you one day. You're going to come work for me. I can tell you just have it. And I was like, okay, like sure. I'm just making it up as I go. I feel like, but funny enough, one year later I went to work for her and she just became my mentor and she really encouraged me to go to grad school, go get my degree, get board certified. And that's what I did.
00:03:34
Speaker
So I did all that, started my own private practice, and then COVID hit. And I had to transition to everything virtual, and at the same time I was pregnant with Ray. So when I had him and I was home, I just started realizing that my background was really helpful with toddlers. yeah And so that's where I kind of leaned into using my strategies for, you know, just toddlers in general. And I felt like I had all this education on behavior science and how it really helped me in my motherhood journey. I wanted to share that with everyone else. I didn't want to gatekeep it. Like, this is making my life easier. So I want to make other moms' lives easier if I can, even just the slightest bit. And that's where Instagram came about, was I started sharing on Instagram just some simple tips
00:04:22
Speaker
that just make life a little easier as a mom with our kids, with their behavior, even just structuring our own behavior to help them. And that's kind of how it all all started. Oh my gosh. And I mean, that's one of those stories where like fate really intervened there. Like yeah I love a hearing situations like that where you just happened to overlap with that other company and then she became your mentor. Like what an amazing journey.
00:04:49
Speaker
Um, well, I love the transition into, you you know, kind of taking things virtual and posting tips for us moms on Instagram because I know myself and a lot of our listeners like use your page as such a resource. Like I'm not kidding. If I'm dealing with a tough situation with Alice or Evie, like your page is one of the first places I go. I'm like, okay, wait, what does she say about bedtime? What does she say about throwing food? Like, Oh my gosh. Yeah. So yeah.
00:05:18
Speaker
I can't tell you how helpful everything that you post is like. That's why we're so excited to have you here today, especially being that means a lot. Yeah, especially being like a first time mom. And I'm also like the last um in my family. So I didn't grow up with kids. So I was literally learning on the go. And when I'm telling you every day, I'm like, is this frickin normal? Like, I'm sure. So, yeah, definitely appreciate you going online and helping all of us.
00:05:48
Speaker
Yeah.
Understanding ABA and Behavior Motives
00:05:49
Speaker
So for anyone who might not be familiar, can you explain a little bit about like what behavior analysis is and like, kind of give us a background on that?
00:06:01
Speaker
Sure. So I think a lot of times when people hear like applied behavior analysis, they directly think of, um you know, working with kids with autism, but actually, it's just a study of behavior. And that ah is applicable to every single one of us. um So it really is the science of behavior. So why do we engage in certain behaviors?
00:06:22
Speaker
why do we keep engaging in certain behaviors so what is reinforcing meaning keeping that behavior going or what is punishing it making us stop doing it or avoid doing it there's a lot of sciences and nuances there that we can really figure out why we do the things we do.
00:06:37
Speaker
just by taking some data on it, kind of seeing what's environmentally impacting behavior. So that's that's kind of my job, is when someone comes to me and says, hey, my child's engaging this behavior, I don't know why, I need it to stop, I need it to improve, my job is to look at what are the environmental factors, what are the reinforcing factors, because there is always something that is keeping that behavior going. So I figure what that is out, and then give strategies on that direct reason to help change it.
00:07:07
Speaker
do god Do most people come to you first because they have an inkling of autism or is it like, are they trying to do early intervention? Like how do most people reach out? Yeah. So who through insurance, I can only see autism cases right now in Massachusetts, but through parent coaching, it can be, you know, parents of toddlers who they're just really struggling with tantrums or biting or hitting or sibling stock getting along.
00:07:34
Speaker
So it really could just be they're struggling with challenging behaviors. It doesn't have to have any diagnosis. And I can't diagnose, I'm not a doctor. So if you were like thinking like, hey, some of these behaviors are really out of the norm, and they're happening a lot, like my first recommendation is to always just go talk to your pediatrician first. If these are all like some alarming or concerning behaviors, talk to your pediatrician first, see what they recommend, and if they feel like they want you to get like a neuropsych evaluation done, which would be leading to a diagnosis, then go that route.
00:08:05
Speaker
But if you're like, hey, these are just like, you know, toddler tantrums or let's see if we can do something to fix it in the meantime, because sometimes there are some waitlists for some more concrete services like in person. I can kind of give some virtual recommendations, advice to kind of help along there, too.
00:08:21
Speaker
Okay. Yeah.
Identifying Toddler Behaviors
00:08:22
Speaker
So I think that's one of our biggest questions when Whitney and I were kind of figuring out what we want to talk to you about today, which like the list is so long, but we, I think our biggest question is like, what is considered like abnormal wild behavior and what is just a toddler? Like that's where I think, you know, sometimes toddlers do some wild things and there are times where I'm like, I'm scared. Like, what, like is what she just did normal. And then I'll talk to a friend or I'll talk to another mom.
00:08:50
Speaker
And they will say, Oh, my toddler did the same thing. And I'm like, I feel relief. I'm like, Okay, wait, my child's not crazy. So is there some sort of like, you you know, something you can tell us of like, what actually is kind of abnormal wild behavior? And what is just a toddler? Yeah, okay. So I would say if there's any like repetitive movements, like that could be something I just keep in mind.
00:09:15
Speaker
If language is super, super delayed, now kids are always gonna have like a range of where they fall for what age they meet the certain word criteria. But if you're going like extended periods of time and your child is not making any developmental milestones, that would be something I would talk to the pediatrician about. If their behaviors are extremely aggressive and they're happening all the time where it's really impacting your quality of life and their quality of life, that would be something I would bring up to the pediatrician.
00:09:44
Speaker
Um, those types of things. Now, like you said, toddlers are wild. They bite, they hit, they tantrum. They don't listen. They don't want to sleep. They do want to sleep. They don't want to eat. They do want to eat. Like it's, there is something every single day with toddlers, right? Because they are going through these massive, massive growth developments and they're trying to figure out this world. And I think if I could have you guys all take away something is behavior is language.
00:10:12
Speaker
Every single behavior your child does is some form of a communication to you that they need something, they don't want something, they like something, they don't like something. So if we can take a step back, sometimes take the emotion out of it and kind of figure out what is my child trying to communicate with this specific behavior, then we can really work to, okay, they're trying to communicate this. What is a replacement behavior that's more appropriate, that's more suitable, that's a new skill that I can work to teach on to replace that challenging behavior?
00:10:42
Speaker
So the child can still communicate their need, but just in a much more functional, more appropriate way. And it's just a lot of skill building at that young, young age. Yeah. Can you give us a concrete example of that? Yeah, absolutely. So to kind of take it like a step back, when we talk about behavior and why it happens, there's four main reasons.
00:11:06
Speaker
One is to escape something, meaning they don't want to do something um so or they want to avoid something. So they engage in the behavior to avoid or escape doing a demand. The next is to access attention. They do this behavior to get a reaction, whether it's a good reaction or a bad reaction. Because I think sometimes parents have a conflicting feeling towards that. Like, my kid's not doing this for for my attention. I'm yelling at them to stop doing it. But that yelling is still attention.
00:11:35
Speaker
So that's the second one. The third one is to get access to something taned tangible. So either an item or an activity that's preferred. And then the fourth one is sensory. So this they're doing this behavior because it either feels good, it feels interesting to them inside their bodies. So those are really the four main categories for why behavior happens. And my main thing, i if you guys follow me on Instagram, you'll notice that I talk about is We can't just say, my child hits, I do X to stop it. Because that's just treating the physical nature of the hit. That's not treating why the hitting is happening. So that may that hitting may continue to happen in the future. If we just say, we don't hit, hands are not for hitting, or go do a timeout, that's not really addressing why why the child's hitting. So let's use two kiddos. Let's say Susie is playing with her toys.
00:12:28
Speaker
and her mom's on her phone. And so Susie walks over it and hits her mom. And her mom looks up from her phone and says, what what Susie, what do you need? And she says, look at my blocks. And I'm, oh, wow, good job building that block, Susie. Then we have Timmy. Timmy, it's time to leave. And his dad's like, hey, we got to go get our shoes on. And Timmy's dad pushes him away. And Timmy's dad goes, come on, we got to go. And Timmy's dad puts his shoes on for him. So in those two circumstances, we have hitting behavior.
00:12:56
Speaker
The hitting looks the same. It's still an open palm smack, right? But Susie's doing it to gain attention, gain her mom's attention. Tammy's doing it because he doesn't want to put on his shoes. He wants dad to put on his shoes for him. So he hits dad to get dad to put on his shoes. So the hitting is happening for two very different reasons. So in those two circumstances, we're going to treat it very differently, right? For Susie, we're going to work on the skills to functionally get her mom's attention, like working on calling Mom, mom, look, you know, we're going to start teaching her those skills for Timmy and maybe asking dad, can I have one more minute before I get my shoes on? Dad, can you help me get my shoes on or wherever the child is, like language developmentally, we're going to meet them there. Um, so yeah, so that's kind of a clear example of hitting. It's the same behavior, but happening for very different reasons.
00:13:47
Speaker
Wow. I feel like some of this as a parent is very introspective for us almost. to I feel like as a parent, sometimes it's so easy to be like, oh, our kid is doing this. But like we play a very big role in this a lot of the time. Yeah. And It takes some awareness, I guess, as a parent to really step back from the situation. Stop focusing on what your child is doing and instead being like, okay, let's look at this situation as a whole. What am I doing? What's the environment like?
00:14:21
Speaker
Like, what if maybe we haven't napped today or, you know, there's so many different circumstantial things. Um, and I think sometimes as a parent, it's so hard to like, remember all of those circumstances in the moment. yeah yeah And, you know, especially in a, like, I know for us, like right now, like hitting and biting with the, you know, two with my two girls. Alice is struggling with sharing and sometimes we're pushing and hitting and in those situations if Evie gets pushed and is crying like it's so hard for me to like be clear headed in the moment and like address things when like say I just get so overstimulated the having the two like
00:15:04
Speaker
You don't I don't know for me, like I don't have the time to sit and think about the situation as much. It's like I'm just reacting because Margo got pushed off the couch because Graydon was like, I was reading this book. Boom, like pushes her. And so I'm like, Graydon, you know, let's not not be mean or whatever. And um Yeah, what are some yeah, what are some like in those situations as a parent? Are there some steps we should do to like assess or to regulate ourselves? Like what do you suggest are like kind of the steps there?
Managing Multiple Kids' Behaviors
00:15:41
Speaker
Yeah, well, I think like when you what you're saying is like
00:15:44
Speaker
you know, you react to certain things, right? And I think as parents, if we can take a step back and we put a little bit more energy into proactive strategies versus reactive, and it does take a little bit more like self-awareness and a little bit more time and energy to think ahead. yeah But I always say I'd rather put my energy there than to put my energy cleaning up, like after a behavior, after a tantrum, after a meltdown where the siblings are fighting.
00:16:13
Speaker
That is so much more energy and like not fun energy to be having. Whereas like if I can like go into it ahead of time, like, okay, what are some strategies I can proactively do? And it almost gets me in the right mindset to, to first off navigate to, which that is a whole new thing is having the two kids now that I have a four and a one year old. Oh my gosh, it is just a whole nother world. yeah Yeah, it really is. You can control what you can control. and i It's never going to be perfect. Like siblings are going to fight and that is very, very developmentally normal. So don't think like, Oh my gosh, I have to stop all the fighting. I have to do this, or I'm a bad mom because my kids are fighting. It is so normal. My kids fight. Like it's just how they learn. They are learning these new skills of sharing, of turn taking, of sharing parents' attention. Like it's, it's a lot for these kids. So I always just try to say, try to think if you can proactively, um,
00:17:10
Speaker
So with, I don't know if there's like a certain behavior you want me to talk about, like if one of you guys want to say something for your kids, I can kind of work through something or. Like, I mean, I have plenty. Go for it. But I was going to say for Graydon, he it now is doing a whiny like attention seeking like he's constantly whining. And we're like, are you sad? Like what? Like that that's just his way to communicate. He's just constantly.
00:17:42
Speaker
whining and talking to us, asking us things. And we're like, grain, you're okay. like I don't know what that's about. Yeah, we we are dealing with this too. This is a big, and actually one of the most asked questions from my mom group, who ah we all have two and a half year olds, is how do we stop the whining or empower them to like ask for things instead of just defaulting to whining? like how do we How do we empower our kids to like advocate for themselves rather than whining about it, you know? Yeah. Okay. So whining right now gets a response out of us parents, right? Like, so I don't know if, if you want to give me a very specific example or I can kind of create one. So maybe the kid's like, I'm hungry. Like mom, like, you know, it's just, that's that whining, right?
00:18:34
Speaker
Okay, so let's take that example and let's say you're doing the dishes, right? Like you're just sitting at this, saying doing dishes and your son comes over, mom, I want a snack, I'm hungry. What I would say to you, Winnie, is I would keep doing the dishes, keep your eye contact on the dishes, but say, mom, can I have a snack? And then just wait, just keep doing the dishes. And your eyes are on the dishes, right? And your son's still right there, mom, want a snack. Mom, can I have a snack? And you talk about yourself in the third person because It makes the child understand you want them to repeat that, right? Like it kind of gives them an idea from their perspective exactly what you want them to say and how you want them to say it. We're giving them the exact model. We're taking the guessing game out of this. We're not saying ask nicely. How do we ask? That's not how we ask. Because again, that's giving a response to the whining. We're not even acknowledging the whining. We're not ignoring our child, but we're not acknowledging the whining.
00:19:29
Speaker
And we wait. I find this is the hardest thing for parents because one, a behavior is happening that we don't love. We don't love the whining. And two, we're just ingrained as humans to respond, right? When someone's speaking to us, we want to just jump in and do whatever there is that they're asking. Take a breath. Just keep doing the dishes, but give the verbal response that you want your son to say in the tone of voice you want him to say, and just wait.
00:19:54
Speaker
As soon as he repeats it, Oh my gosh, of course, great. And I'll go get you a snack. What do you want? Like, let's go pick something out. And you give a bigger response to that. So that way the child starts to learn. I don't get a response from whining. I do get exactly what I'm looking for from saying, mom, can I have a snack, please? In the tone of voice. So it's a very clear, distinguished whining. Doesn't get me anything. Clear tone of voice asking like inappropriate tone of voice gets me exactly what I'm looking for right away.
00:20:21
Speaker
And you drop those stitches and you immediately go over. You don't even say, wait one minute. You say, okay, I'm going to go do it right now. That way the child learns, like I immediately get what I'm looking for from using that tone of voice. And the more you do it, the less likely the whining's going to happen. And the more likely he's going to talk in the neutral tone of voice, in the right tone of voice.
00:20:39
Speaker
I'm so excited to try that. You have no idea. Yeah, me too. but i We deal with a lot of whining these days and i I have been doing the exact thing you were talking about of saying like, OK, well, when you ask me nicely or when you ask me correctly, I will do it. And clearly, I'm just I'm on a carousel of whining. So I am very excited to switch up my approach to that. Oh my gosh. Yeah. My husband will be very happy to do that as well because it is, not I mean, we're about to move and, um, it has just gotten to the point where we're like, Oh my gosh, like we're trying to do so many things with packing and this and that. And it's just like whining all over the place. And we are both overstimulated to the max. So oh yeah try that. And I would just say, you know, wherever your child is with their language, where they're speaking, meet them there.
00:21:30
Speaker
don't make it harder for them. We always want the replacement behavior, what we want them to do, to be even easier than the challenging behavior or just as easy, right? Whining is really easy to do. And if your child doesn't fully speak in full sentences right now, we're not going to say, mommy, can I please have a snack? Or, you know, it might just be snack, please. Mom, snack. And that's okay. We're making it super, super easy for them. So they start engaging in that behavior over the whining. Because if what we expect of them is harder than the whining, they're going to keep resorting back to the whining. We want to make it as simple as possible for them to access what they're wanting um in in the more functional way. So meet them where they're at with their language. Don't make it harder than it is. um And there was something else. Oh, and then anytime they do just talk conversationally, like when they're playing or they're you know not necessarily asking for something,
00:22:27
Speaker
label it, say, Hey, I love how you're talking in that voice right now. Like that's a great tone of voice to talk in, you know, like label it, you know, catch them when they're doing it. Because a lot of times it's just what's expected of them. So we don't call it out. But we call it it when they're whining. So they get a lot more feedback for that. Yeah. So I, I have done this with I'm so Alice has started to if she wants attention she will tell me she'll say mom she is she has learned she'll say mom i i want attention like if we're in a room and even if we're like like we've had guests over or like people over their house and if she's not she'll literally come up to me and she'll say mom i want attention
00:23:07
Speaker
And I always praise her for saying that because I would much rather her just tell me. And then I can meet her where she is. She's telling me so clearly what she wants. And um and that was something I honestly, I feel like I did on accident. I just started to like ask her, I'm like, do you just want mommy's attention? And she would say yes. And now she comes up and tells me I want attention. And I'm like, OK, cool. That's fine. Smart girl. She's a smart, smart girl.
00:23:36
Speaker
That's amazing. What a self-aware queen. I know. She is. She is.
Balancing Preferred Parent Dynamics
00:23:41
Speaker
Okay. So I think but something I would love to know is what is the number one question or like problem and that parents come to you like wanting more information about or wanting ah like help with? What's like the number one question you get?
00:23:58
Speaker
Ooh, I mean, whining is probably up there. Whining is a big one because it grates on our nerves. And we're busy, overstimulated adults as it is. And that whining is like the straw that breaks the camel's back, right? It just is like, we can't take it anymore. So whining is definitely a big one. um like maybe not listening. Oh, yeah, that's great. Yeah. um He likes to talk over. um He really wants attention. Like if Chris and I are having a conversation, he will start talking or he'll just scream. He's just a loud kid. ah And so we're trying to tell him when we're talking like.
00:24:42
Speaker
Can it? But saying it politely. like um But that's been a big struggle as well, like learning when he can talk while we're talking. Yeah. And that would be something. um How old is he? He's three. Three? Okay. So a few things you could, I would practice this skill with him during play.
00:25:05
Speaker
Like you could even use like stuffed animals and kind of just make it fun and really practice like, you know, who's turn it is to talk and how one has to wait and then really praise that one for waiting to talk. You know, it's kind of make it embedded in play to really teach and reinforce this skill. And a lot of times kids can then start taking that and like translating it over to real life situations. Um, another thing you can do is waiting is really, really hard for kids and toddlers because they just,
00:25:36
Speaker
That's a hard concept for them. How long do I have to wait? When am I going to get the attention I'm looking for or whatever it is I'm looking for? So a visual timer can be really helpful in that circumstance. Um, because I find kids just don't know when you say like one minute, three minutes, however long, they just don't know what that means. And to them, like, I just got to get it all out now because I just don't know when my opportunity will happen. So using a visual timer is really great because it gives them something to one, focus their attention on.
00:26:03
Speaker
And two makes time like a visual thing. So the, oh, mom said, so she'll talk to me in two minutes. I can watch the timer. Okay. Now it's my turn to talk. And you really reinforce him for that. Like he did such a great job waiting for my, what do you need to tell me? And you give him as your full attention. Um, so those could be two strategies that I'd recommend there doing the play and really practicing the skill yeah and then to using kind of like the visual timer kind of in the real life situations.
00:26:28
Speaker
So smart. We've been using a timer. I actually learned this from your page, the timer. We've been using the timer for transition to bedtimes and nap times. um You know, we live with my mom now after the storm, so it's been for some reason much harder. Alice is having a much harder time transitioning into nap time and bedtime, um and she will start to seek like she seeks out my mom to put her down instead of me because she knows she can work my mom like a fiddle.
00:26:58
Speaker
And that's been a struggle. So we started to use a timer and we would set the timer for two minutes, five minutes, whatever. And then as soon as the timer goes off and now she knows when the timer goes off, it's time for bedtime or nap time. And she's so, yeah that's been such an impactful tool for us in the past month, I would say. Like it's really changed the game with bedtimes. Yeah. Sometimes it's like the simplest tool that can make the biggest difference.
00:27:27
Speaker
And I would say just give it some time too. Like the kids are learning these new skills, right? So sometimes when you, like, let's say we just introduce a timer, like at first it's really new and exciting. So they're like, well, the timer went off. Let me run upstairs to bed. But then usually around, I feel like nights three, four, and five, they're like, well, this isn't as exciting anymore. This really does mean I have to go to bed. Right. But the more consistent we stick with it. So especially during that like questioning period.
00:27:52
Speaker
stay consistent with it. They'll come back around to getting going right upstairs when the timer goes off, but the parent has to stay consistent. like That's crucial to a lot of the strategies I give. They're simple strategies, but if you're not consistent with it, the behavior is going to go like this, and it's not it's not going to change or be effective. so Stick it out through those tougher times and you'll see the behavior come back around um to being effective. I feel like that's one of the hardest things as a parent is the consistency. like It's honestly usually the harder thing to do than to give in. like I just found that out. We took the passive away right before he turned three and we had a hellish six weeks of learning how to like
00:28:36
Speaker
teaching himself how to fall asleep without it. So the consistency was the only thing that worked. um Yeah. and it was I have a question about consistency. When it comes to different environments, like let's even, even about the whining situation, like I don't know. I feel like that's my hardest thing about staying consistent with how I react to things. is like Sometimes if we're out at a restaurant and it's like more quiet, like I tend to react differently to certain behaviors than I would in our house. like What do you suggest in like as far as different environments and staying consistent? You give the mom eye? like I'm like,
00:29:17
Speaker
but um Yeah, that's such a good question. So, I mean, kids can really distinguish between what environments mean different things. um We often see this a lot of times with kids that go to school, and parents are like, my kid is an angel at school, they have there, there's no problems. But then at home, it's like destructo, like it's crazy. So environments really can signal to a child what behaviors do get reinforcement and what papers don't get reinforcement, meaning
00:29:48
Speaker
you know, at home, mom never responds to this. But when I'm out at a restaurant, she does respond to it. And that becomes very clear cut. So it's like almost consistent in that way. So if you find like, Hey, when I'm at home, I'm really good at not giving attention to this certain behavior. But when I'm out in public, like, it's just too much for me. Like, I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm feeling stressed. Like it's just too much. I would say in that aspect, given immediately, like if you're going to give in, I always say given immediately because If we tried to strong arm and hold out, but then ultimately end up giving in, we've just actually reinforced a much longer period of that behavior. Whereas if we just gave in after like a 30 second tantrum or something, you know, like let's say you're out at a restaurant and your child's like starting to whine, just immediately give them something. If you know, ultimately you probably will give in rather than be like, no, I'm going to hold strong. I'm going to hold strong. And now five minutes of whining has gone in and then you give them whatever they're looking for to finally get them to stop.
00:30:47
Speaker
we've just reinforced that five minutes versus just reinforcing 10 or 15 seconds of it. That's a lot easier to change down the road than changing five minutes of it. So it's okay to have different expectations, whether you're in the home or out. But if you're out and you're like, I know probably eventually this is going to kill me and I'm going to give in, just give in right away. Make it easier on yourself and it's going to be easier to change a shorter behavior than it is a longer behavior. I hope that made sense.
00:31:16
Speaker
Oh my gosh, you're blowing my mind right now. I'm learning a lot about myself to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. That's so yeah. What are some like, cause you've mentioned a few of these, but what are some key principles or strategies that you think every parent should know when it comes to handling like challenging behaviors? Sure. Um, let me think.
Avoiding Power Struggles with Toddlers
00:31:40
Speaker
So a lot of the strategies I can give like off the cuff are more proactive strategies because any sort of reactive strategy, like something that comes after a behavior is going to be tailored to that behavior and why it's happening, right? So it's going to be very individual specific, but I can give you guys some really great proactive strategies to help prevent that. So the first one that's like the easiest one, and I, I'm sure you guys have heard it before, but is offering two choices. Um, this is really great for toddlers because toddlers crave control, right? And when we,
00:32:14
Speaker
ask your child to do something or tell a child to do something that is when they like stand their firm ground and dig in and want to have that power struggle because they want all the control. We want all the control and that's where that clashing comes in when that may lead to tantrums or not listening or refusals. So an easy way to get ahead of it is say Um, like let's say it's about to be bedtime first, instead of saying, Hey, are you ready for bed? Because the answer to that could be no. You say, Hey, it's time for bed. Do you want to race upstairs or do you want to piggyback ride? So we're getting ahead of the power struggle by giving them options first. And we're also telling them it is bedtime. So if your child doesn't make the decision, we're still going to follow through with that. Cause again, we're meaning what we say. That is a huge one with toddlers, because if we start
00:33:04
Speaker
Showing some wiggle room there, they take full advantage of it. So mean what you say. So it is time for bed, but make it fun. Make it fun with a choice. Do you want to race upstairs? Do you want a payback ride? Try to stick to two choices that are, you know, maybe one is a little bit more preferred and exciting. So they're like, ooh, mom's letting me choose. I'm going to choose this one. Um, you could use it with times like, Hey, it's almost bedtime. Are you ready now? Or do you need five more minutes? Ooh, mom's giving me a choice. I'm going to take five more minutes.
00:33:33
Speaker
They feel more in control of the situation because they get to choose. You seem like a cool parent because you're giving them extra, extra time, right? They're going to be more willing to then go to bed when it's time after they get the five extra minutes. So using choices is a really great way to allow your child to feel like they have some sense of control, but ultimately we're controlling it, right? I'm in control of what I'm offering and I'm sticking to that. I'm not going to be like, Oh, you don't want that. Here's five more options. Nope. Those are your two choices. And if you don't make the choice, then mom makes the choice.
00:34:03
Speaker
Yeah. um So I'm still in control because a lot of times people are like, oh, you're giving all the control to the kids. Like, no, I'm not. I'm in control here. But I'm allowing my kid to feel like they have some sense of control over it. So we avoid the power struggle and they know ah exactly what's going to be happening in the future. So that that's that's a big one is the the choices. Man.
00:34:23
Speaker
I love that. That's a good one. That's really good. We kind of do that for bedtime. Grayton prefers Chris to put him to bed. And so we'll say, mom, he's going to take your daddy. And he's always like, OK, daddy, let's go. OK, so that is a great segue into one of our most asked questions.
00:34:40
Speaker
for today and that is how to deal with preferred parents. This is something we struggle with hardcore in our house because Alice is in a, I won't let daddy do anything. Like I have to do everything and she throws a huge fit. Any tips for dealing with like preferred parent situations? Yeah. So I have two different strategies you can kind of take with it. Um, let's just use like bedtime as an example. Like maybe they always prefer dad.
00:35:10
Speaker
yeah so let's use like They always prefer a mom to do bedtime. Well, let's just say that. And that's exhausting for mom. And now dad's like, my feelings are kind of hurt because you don't want me to do bedtime. So how we work on this is one of two ways. You can either start pairing the lesser preferred parent for this activity together with the preferred parents. So that means for the next few nights, mom and dad are going to do bedtime completely together. So we start transferring some of this preferredness over to dad by pairing you guys together.
00:35:39
Speaker
um So that's one strategy. The other strategy would be dad does the tiniest bit of bedtime at the start and then mom comes in the finish. So dad's going to start it. Dad's going to pick out your pajamas tonight or help you pick up pajamas. Then mom's going to actually get you dressed, do all the rest. And then maybe two nights of that on the third night, dad's going to get you dressed. So pick out the Jones and get dressed. Then mom's going to finish out the rest. So we start kind of systematically fading mom out, fading dad in. So those are kind of two different ways you could go with that. So either pairing.
00:36:10
Speaker
them together. So again, some of that preferredness goes over and get dad involved, make it fun, but also mom is still right there too. So the child has that like safety of I have my preferred person during this time, or you kind of do the method of, okay, first dad's going to help me pick up pajamas, then mom's going to come right in and finish all the things and you start kind of systematically feeding it in that way. It's kind of two different strategies there and it can be used for, I mean,
00:36:36
Speaker
anything that we just gave a bit bedtime example, but could do that with anything. So I also just want to ask for my husband, who I'm going to make a listen to this episode, um is preferred parent common?
00:36:50
Speaker
Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes. He gets his feelings so hurt. Oh my gosh. And I try to tell him all the time. I'm like, Oh my gosh. Every one of my mom friends deals with this. Like mom is preferred a lot. Like blah, blah, blah. He is like, he gets so upset by it and his feelings get so hurt. So I just needed a professional to States that it was normal all he doesn't believe me believe Yeah, so so normal Like I don't know if I've ever medicated that didn't at some point have a preferred parent and sometimes it switches like, you know it It really does it ebbs and flows. So again, try to take the emotion out of it if you can't but I know it's hard so um Yeah, it will it will get better. Like I said, try those two strategies, but know that it's very very normal and
00:37:38
Speaker
Okay, good. I found a question on here that I find interesting. um How to deal with other kids behaviors on the playground or at school?
Handling Challenging Behaviors in Others
00:37:50
Speaker
I love that question. Okay, that one. I mean, you can't really control another kid's behavior. I mean, we can barely control our own kid's behavior, right? like yeah That's what we're working on. So in those instances, you work really on instilling the characteristics that you want to see in your child with them. That is the only thing we can control. and if Now, if the other kid is being really unsafe or maybe using language you don't want your child to hear, you you have to make the choice of maybe just you know going to play somewhere else. But ultimately, we can't tell the other parent or the other child. like You can't do that or whatever. like We can't control them, but we can control
00:38:30
Speaker
where we are so we can move ourselves. We can also just work on those characteristics with our child of like the qualities that we do like when we're at the playground and really working on it that way. But yeah, I can't really do it much for someone else. We could ask that question a lot. Yeah. Or people bring that up a lot because that's tough. And it's awkward, honestly. Yeah. It definitely is. It is. And your kid might have questions like after you leave the park, like, why do you believe or why was that kid doing that? you know and You can kind of just talk through there. Like we're all working on different things. Like that's something I always say to my kids. Like if they see someone having a hard time or a kid having a tantrum or something, I always just say like, Hey, you know, you're working on some stuff and sometimes it's really hard learning new things and we're all working on different things. Mommy's working on stuff that are, that's hard for her too. And we're all learning. So kind of trying to approach it that way so way your child can be understanding and.
00:39:23
Speaker
you know, just kind of have the empathy aspect, too. Yeah, that's a good. I've we've come across that a couple of times where Alice will cease another child like on the playground or in a playroom or something like having a full but fledged hand tantrum. And Alice will sometimes like ask me. And also sometimes it is Alice. But, you know, it's in the in the times when she's like seeing it happen in another kid.
00:39:50
Speaker
She'll ask questions of like, what's wrong or what's happening or whatever. And I feel like a lot of the time I just say, Oh, they're having a hard time, which now I feel like, I don't know, what is the right thing to say there? Yeah. I mean, I think having a hard time is fine. I think it's just saying like, again, going back to like, we're all working on different things. Like maybe the child didn't like something and and they're just having a hard time with that. You know, their emotions are, you know, kind of leading their actions.
00:40:18
Speaker
but we're all working on stuff, you know, and you can kind of tie it back to your child. Like, Hey, remember this time, like you had a hard time with that, but now you're learning how to communicate your needs this way or that way. You know, you, again, you tailored the language to your child, but, but kind of using it as, as a way to pull it back of like their learning experience um that way. But yeah yeah, I think that's, I think you're handling it fine by saying, you know, they're having a hard time. Oh, good. I feel like, um, with Graydon,
00:40:45
Speaker
he he doesn't have a lot of tantrums. He's never really, or if he does, it's very quick. He's more of the like loud, he will do outbursts really quickly. Like he's the kid that will approach another kid and like growl like a dinosaur. And sometimes it takes kids aback and they're like scared. and And then I'm like, I'm sorry. Like, I don't know. Like, is that normal?
00:41:14
Speaker
Yes, it's normal. um you know Kids are going to be kids too. A lot of the stuff is just them testing the the boundaries, the limits, like what's funny to them. you know They're testing the waters. You could, again, during play, and you practice these skills like you use stuffed animals, use pretend play, um you talk about how we greet each other and stuff like that. kind of Embed the skills you want him to use back into play. Play is so underrated for teaching these skills.
00:41:44
Speaker
But kids are more apt to take those kind of skills we did during play and use them in real life than if we were to sit down and kind of make it like this formal teaching method. They're going to be like, I don't want that. Like I'm not paying attention, mom. Like, but if you make it play and like, Oh, like what's a, what's a new way that dinosaur can greet Mr. Bear, you know, and you can kind of make it fun and stuff and model it yourself. Um,
00:42:09
Speaker
There's a lot of power in just modeling how you greet people, how you greet people during your pretend play or just in real life. And it's just modeling that. I mean, and I'm sure you're not growling at people. Did I teach him that?
00:42:26
Speaker
ah That's a great idea. Yeah. I have a question about redirecting versus like addressing a behavior. I think this is something that I struggle with and I'm not always consistent of like if Alice is doing something that maybe I don't love or whatever. Sometimes I just am like, okay, let's redirect and like hey do something else or like completely change the subject. And then sometimes I like address the behavior behavior and like try to like model something different or like I don't know is there like an age limit where like we redirect more than we address or certain behaviors where we should I don't know I feel like that's I get lost there sure um there isn't that there isn't like an age limit or anything like that I think it's definitely more scenario based um
00:43:15
Speaker
Like my one year old, and I remember Ray went through this when he was one, because again, they're in that like, I don't have a lot of words to communicate my needs. So they're very impulsive. So hitting is a really big one for one year olds. And even with my kids, they, they've gone through or in that phase where they hit to kind of get a response out of someone out of me, whatever. A lot of times when they're like that little and they hit me, I will just be like, I'll either give them the words like mommy, you know, but again, language, if they're not there yet, they may not be able to do that.
00:43:45
Speaker
or just redirect it there. like I'm not going to show that hitting gives gets a response out of mom. Now, of course, if it was like a dangerous situation, maybe I would react a little differently. But if I'm just like sitting there and they're playing, like She comes over, my little one comes over and like hits me. i mean I'm not going to give her a response to that because I'm not trying to give that behavior any meaning in the moment. um So I'm not giving it attention because I don't want that hitting to then lead to her. I hit mom, I get a reaction, I get attention from mom, whether it's positive or negative, I'm getting some sort of response out of her. ah I might redirect to play and then give her a lot more attention while we're playing. um For playing nicely, using her words, talking, you know, doing those type of things.
00:44:30
Speaker
I shared this on my Instagram a little while ago. Like my son woke up one day in like a mood, didn't want to go to daycare and stuff. And I just, you kind of tell sometimes like you trying to talk it through sometimes with a four year old, three, four year old, it's just not always going to work. And talking about our emotions, we don't always have to have a little mini therapy session with our kids. Like all I did was change the subject and I made, Oh my gosh, like, do you know what we're doing later this week? And like, he was like, what? And he like, really like, it changed his whole mood around. And I think,
00:44:58
Speaker
In the world of social media and stuff, i I see it a lot myself, just like, okay, we need to validate feelings in the moment. We need to talk through this. And sometimes that's just not the answer. Sometimes it's not that serious. Sometimes we can redirect, shift the mood around, and we move forward there. If you want to circle back to it later, sure. But we don't always need to validate the feelings directly in the moment. like Yeah, it can sometimes just be to more spirals. That's really refreshing to hear. I do that a lot. Yeah, I feel like redirecting sometimes is so impactful for us. like It really does the job, like you said. It can sometimes change the whole mood or situation. and Then I see things on social media about like gentle parenting and like validating feelings. and like
00:45:46
Speaker
I'm not trying to traumatize my child and the body keeps the score and like, which like all that stuff is valid, but also like, it's so refreshing to hear you say like, it's sometimes not that serious. It really isn't like, like these kids are toddlers. Their emotions are like a roller coaster half the time. They're going up, down and a lot of times you can just change it. Like you said, with just simply redirecting, give more attention to something else so that way their attention goes there too and seem really excited about it.
00:46:15
Speaker
Um, and that can be enough to kind of pull them out of that state. Now, if something like really disappointing or frustrating did happen and my child is upset about that, I may say like that was super frustrating and then maybe go to something else. But like, if the case of him waking up, be like, I don't want to go to daycare. I'm not going to be like, tell me how you feel about that. I know it's so sad to go to daycare. Like I'm not going to like go into that spiral with him because again, it's not that serious. We do have to go to daycare. Like.
00:46:41
Speaker
Let's pull your mood out of it and and get going. Yeah, sometimes I think they just say those things to say them. I'm like, I know you love it. Stop. yeah Yeah. Yeah. A lot of times they are fishing for that reaction from from us, right? Like they say certain things like, I remember there was this time where and I feel like a lot of parents respond to this because to us it's like so hurtful, but like,
00:47:04
Speaker
think Ray was, I don't know, one or two, he must have been two because he was talking more, but he was just like, randomly, I don't love you, mommy. And I mean, I could have been like, Oh, my God, what do you mean? Of course, we don't say those things. But that gives meaning to the I don't love you. And I could tell by the way he said he was just trying to see what my response would be. So I just didn't respond. I didn't react to what he said.
00:47:24
Speaker
And then I kept like eating my lunch and I talked to him about something else. And then like later on he was like, love you too. And he's never really said it again because like I didn't give those words any meaning over me because sometimes that is what they're doing. They're just trying to see how we respond, how we react.
00:47:41
Speaker
Um, and it's not, it's not that they don't love us. It's not that serious. Yeah. He's, he was just trying, I feel like they're learning these words and phrases that they're hearing other people say or, you know, they're little sponges and sometimes I just feel like they're throwing things out to test. They're just like testing the waters. Yes, exactly. And especially when they're so young, like I'm talking like younger toddlers. That's what I mean when I, when they say certain things or.
00:48:08
Speaker
They hit for the first few times. They're testing to see what does this behavior get me, right? And there was another instance, because and I'm fine with talking about my kids, because my kids aren't perfect too. They have a behavior analyst mom, but my kids are still kids. They're still going to have behaviors. They're still learning. um We had gone on vacation for like a week away with my husband's parents. So we were with family and stuff.
00:48:30
Speaker
And we got, we were very much off routine. We got home and like Ray had like, oh my, he like screamed. Like and he he's not someone that does that. He just like didn't get something he wanted. So he shrieked and he's never done this. And I just didn't respond to it because he was testing to see what is this shriek going to get me? I didn't respond to it. And he's never shrieked again. Like he tried it once. It didn't work for him and he's never trying it again. You know, it's.
00:48:57
Speaker
Sometimes it's just that simple. like Try not to give meaning to the behavior when it's first starting out, if you can. Now, obviously, if it's something dangerous or unsafe, that requires us to step in. Of course, I always have to give that caveat. But if it's something like yelling, that's not hurting anyone. like It's okay for me to not respond to his yelling in that moment.
00:49:17
Speaker
So true. Wow. Okay.
Mealtime and Transition Challenges
00:49:20
Speaker
I want to touch on some specific, um, like areas of the day that I feel like we got a lot of questions about mealtime is one of them, like how to have a more peaceful dinner and stop food throwing or screaming or tantrums about what they want or don't want any tips for that. And again, I feel like this is so much of this could be situational, but yeah.
00:49:43
Speaker
Um, yeah, so I guess, so meal time, again, some of these things you may have already heard cause they're, I think they're out on social media too, but like some proactive strategies you can do is I always try to offer my kids like what I'm making, but I know that half the time they are not going to eat what I'm making, right? It's a different food. It's new. It's not preferred. So on their plate, I always have a section of preferred food. So that way it's not a, here's the plate of our dinner food. The kid refuses and then I get them something they're wanting.
00:50:12
Speaker
Right? So I'm getting ahead of that behavior by giving them a portion of what we have and a portion of what they, I know that they like. So it reduces the likelihood of them refusing the whole dinner. And then I don't, I don't want my kid to go hungry. So of course I'm going to step in and make sure they eat something, but I'm not trying to like reinforce them refusing the whole dinner. So I do that by offering something that I know that they will eat or do like alongside food that we are just naturally serving for dinner.
00:50:40
Speaker
Um, so that's something I do with both my kids. Okay. Throwing is another big one. Um, especially for like our younger toddlers, like one year olds is like a big thing. Um, trust me, we've been in it with Vera too. And what I try to see is, okay, why is she throwing?
00:50:59
Speaker
Is she throwing to get a reaction out of me and my husband? Because my husband likes to give a reaction to that one because he hates that. And she will throw it and like look directly at him and be like, what's your response, dad? Like, you know, like, you see me throwing this food. Like it's very attention seeking, sometimes. Other times, it's because she's all done eating. She's ate enough for her. She's tossing food off her tray because she's done.
00:51:25
Speaker
So the skills that I try to work on with her in that scenario is saying like done or using the sign done because like that's something easy for her. Um, I try to, and it takes more energy from us parents, but I try to always be watching her at least out of the corner of my eye. So I can see when she's starting to slow down and I can prompt her to say she's done or get ready to be done before the behavior happens. If we can get in before the behavior happens, and again, this takes more work.
00:51:52
Speaker
But it's easier that than trying to clean up all the food that's thrown on the floor. Um, then do that. So try to see why is, why is your kid throwing food? Is it because they want to get a reaction out of you? If that's the case, ignore it. You're going to have to clean up food afterwards, but that's okay. You're not going to reinforce it. They're going to stop because they're not getting attention. We're going to work on giving them skills to functionally get your attention. So like mama look dad, dad, you know, and then really super engaging with that. So we're replacing it with functional words.
00:52:21
Speaker
um or clapping even if they're like really little, like teaching them to clap. Oh my gosh, you're clapping. You're eating a lot of our attention out of it rather than throwing, getting attention. And if it's, they're throwing it because they're done, teaching them done with their sign language, I'm all done. And then really keeping an eye on them as they're eating throughout dinner so you can intervene beforehand. Isn't it that so cute when they start doing that? Like you forget the first time and like Margo's doing all done and like more. And I'm like, oh, it's so cute when they're- It is cute.
00:52:50
Speaker
And it's great. I mean, the little ones, they can't verbally communicate their needs, but if we can teach them like more all done, um, yes and no, even just like shaking of the head, that's huge in communication for little ones, right? That does prevent a lot of tantrums or throwing or this or that. So that's their way of communicating. And then over time we start reinforcing more language, right? So as they've already established more, now we're going to start working on mo mo. So we're going to reinforce that then more.
00:53:21
Speaker
So we start fading the signs out, reinforcing the language as we go forward. I'm in the thick of it, too. I know. Wow. OK, the other situation or like time of day that we get a lot of questions about is bedtime, struggles with bedtime, wanting to do wanting to go to or not wanting to go to bed or the power struggle of, you know, bedtime routine. I feel like this is one of your specialties.
00:53:50
Speaker
Yeah. So it's one of my specialties because I love sleep so much and I need my own sleep and therefore I need my child to sleep through the night and have an easier bedtime. And I know that sounds selfish, but like we all are better humans when we get sleep. Like I'm a better mom when I sleep. Um, my kids are better kiddos when they get their full night sleep too. So that was something that was like when I, I created a course on bedtime and sleep because that was my main priority. It's like, I need everyone to be sleeping in my household. So that's where I put all my energy. This last year was into creating that. So I do have a bedtime course, but the way I do it is I really break bedtime up into before bedtime, like ending play, the actual bedtime routine itself, and then ending bedtime. And the reason I do that is because the behaviors that come in the sequential like categories
00:54:43
Speaker
really help the end result. Like some parents, oh, I don't need that beginning part. It's like, but you do because that is actually setting you up to have a smoother bedtime, which leads to smoother nights, full eight, 12 hours of sleep, hour long your kid needs to sleep for because everyone has different sleep needs. Um, so that's why I focused on there. And then I do have like a troubleshooting section, like if you are sleeping with your child until they fall asleep and then you sneak out or your child's getting out of bed several times during the night or delaying it a lot, I do have categories for that like that target those specific behaviors because they are hard and I do take certain um steps to kind of rewire that way of you know thinking or sleeping or not sleeping I guess through the night. So I have that. um But any specific questions on that I'm happy to answer.
00:55:35
Speaker
I feel like we are on the brink, Candice and I both, of switching to the toddler bed. So it's like- Ooh, that's a good question. It's a topic that's like, you know, some people, they're like, oh, like my kid just did it flawlessly, like didn't faze them at all. And then I just know mine, he's going to get up.
00:55:56
Speaker
And he's going to want to come to the door. like How do you deal with the potential like banging on the door? like How do you feel about locks on the door? Just the behavior with like learning the new routine? Yeah. um So i do also I have a whole category on switching to the kid, the big kid bed. But what I would say is, how do I want to wear this?
00:56:22
Speaker
like Again, proactively teach these skills um if you can. So first up is one, just getting them interested in switching to a big kid bed. So get them involved, picking up the sheets, getting their bed ready, seeing you build it, you know, having kind of like a say in that makes it seem really cool and exciting to them. Next, we're not just going to like be like, okay, good night. You're sleeping in a big boy bed and then leave. Like you're going to be like, what do I do in this big bed? Of course they're going to get up, right?
00:56:49
Speaker
So we're actually going to practice those skills with them ahead of time, um, through role-playing. So like you're going to pretend to be your kid and you're going to get in bed and be like, you be the parent. Okay. So you're going to say goodnight to me and here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay in bed. And then we're also going to practice reinforcing that. So we're going to set up some systems of reinforcement. So during our practice time, we're then going to have the kid practice staying in bed and we're going to be like, whoa, throw a big party, give them a little M&M this, that like, whoa, you stay in bed the whole time.
00:57:17
Speaker
we're going to set some really clear expectations of what we want to see out of them. Because again, if we just say, good night, I love you. You're going to do great sleeping in your big boy bed. That again is not very clear of what we actually expect out of them. Okay. So here are the expectations. You're going to lay your head down on this pillow. You're going to stay in your blankets. Um, I do really like those like light changing, uh, sound machines. We use those to our full advantage and I can't recommend those enough. They really can be impactful. Use the right way though.
00:57:46
Speaker
Again, we can't just be like, hey, you're going to stay in bed until the light turns green. Sometimes that just isn't enough for a kiddo. So we're going to tie some reinforcement there by using either like a sticker chart or you know a preferred item in the morning. Like, hey, if you stay in bed the whole night until the light turns green, we're going to be super proud of you. You get to do like, you know, five minutes on the iPad, or you get an M&M in the morning. ah Whatever is motivating for your child, we're going to tie it in. Now we're not always going to use that, right? Because I feel like some parents get scared. like Oh, if I introduce like a reward system or this or that, like my kid's going to be relying on it. And that's just not the case. We're going to fade it out over time, but sometimes to change behavior, especially big behavior, like sleeping in a big boy bed for the first time. That's huge. We need something extrinsic before we work on the intrinsic motivation there. Um, just like our behavior, you know, when we want to change something ourselves,
00:58:41
Speaker
Sometimes it's not enough to just like, ooh, I love going to work. I'm going to get up and go to work because I love it so much. Like, no, I get a paycheck and that's motivating me to go to work. Like sometimes we need those extrinsic things or if I would need to start working out more, I incentivize myself, but then it becomes habitual and I just start doing it because I'm in the rhythm. But to start out.
00:59:00
Speaker
I use a reward system for myself, and then it just becomes more habit. yeah um So same with our kids. So sometimes to get that motivation off the ground and going, we use like a reward system. um But using really clear, concise expectations and rules for how to get that reward, it has to be really motivating for your child. um Because I think sometimes parents will go, oh, I can just give them a sticker in the morning. But like, if your kid doesn't love stickers, it's not going to change the behavior.
00:59:31
Speaker
If a kid doesn't love an M&M, it's not going to change the behavior. It has to be something specific to your child and something that they really get excited about and is motivating for them. So that way they can feel what success feels like. Oh my gosh, I slept through the night. I got my thing. But like, whoa, now I know what it feels like to sleep through the night. I can do this again. And that's when we can start fading out those rewards. But before we do that, they don't know what it feels like to successfully sleep in their bed the whole night. So that is a really hard, daunting thing to them.
00:59:59
Speaker
I'm glad that I brought that up because I would have and probably just done what I do with the regular bedtime routine and been like, good luck. So yeah.
01:00:12
Speaker
I'm glad to know there's some steps that is. so awful Yeah. Yeah. Okay, one last question that I think we got a ton and is a big question of mine too is, at what age developmentally does discipline start to stick or do they start to feel remorse? Is there even like a clear developmental age or is it you know child to child dependent on their their situation?
Complexity of Discipline
01:00:41
Speaker
I don't know. i'm I think part of the questions I have about discipline is just like, are they even getting it? Is it worth me disciplining? like Can they even understand that there's consequences and do they feel remorse? That sort of thing. Yeah. um So there isn't like a a concrete age, that I would say. I mean,
01:01:02
Speaker
Discipline is even just like raising your voice to a child is considered if it stops the behavior in the moment, like that's some form of discipline, right? Some form of of punishment because it stops the behavior. However, when we use punishment, whether it's us just using like a kind of yelling at our kid or snapping at a kid or giving a timeout or taking something away, these are all different forms of punishment, right? In hopes that the behavior stops. The problem with punishment is it may stop the behavior in the moment.
01:01:30
Speaker
But it doesn't stop necessarily stop the behavior for good. So we need to use you know skill building and systems of reinforcement to teach a replacement behavior. right Because again, they're engaging in these behaviors for some reason. They're challenging behavior for some reason. Yeah, we don't want them to engage in that challenging behavior anymore. So we think, oh, we'll just punish it and we'll just stop. But we actually need to give them something to replace it with. And that teach that takes the skill building.
01:01:57
Speaker
um So think of it as kind of twofold. If you're going to use punishment, you need to use some form of skill building or reinforcement system to counteract it. That is going to be the most effective if you're going to use punishment. um With punishment, ah try not to make it arbitrary. Like, you know, if the kid is throwing stuff in a room and you're like, hey, no TV time tonight, no iPad time for a week. Like, it's kind of arbitrary to a kid.
01:02:22
Speaker
But if you're like, okay, now these toys are on timeout, like I have to take them away. That kind of makes more sense to a young child because it's like, that's what I just threw. Now I don't have it to play with anymore versus like, I can't watch TV later. Well, that's, you know, hours away. It's not really connected. It doesn't really make the connection there. um Yeah. So I guess that's, that's my say on punishment. I'm not against punishment in any way. Sometimes a timeout,
01:02:48
Speaker
is you feel like it's necessary, you know, if they need yeah a breather for themselves. um But I always say, find ways, see, take a step back and see why they engage in that behavior. See where you can start working on those skills with your child to communicate and get those needs met, just in a more functional way.
01:03:06
Speaker
wow Wow. Oh my God. You are just, we are going to have to have you on. Like I feel like there's so many things we didn't cover. We got so many questions for you. Um, so we will be doing this again for sure, but tell our audience where they can find you, how they can work with you. If that's something they're interested in. Um, and just tell us some things you've got going on right now. Sure. So you can find me on Instagram, behavior, talk mama.
01:03:33
Speaker
I do have a bedtime sleep course, it's called Better Bedtimes. The link is on my Instagram as well. And I'll give the links to you guys too to put in the show notes. Um, I am also coming out with a proactive parenting guide. So this is going to be like a list of 28, I believe I'm at 28 now strategies that are proactive with examples with scripts to use. So you can start kind of getting ahead of behaviors rather than always cleaning them up because that is so draining. We want to feel confident in our parenting. And this is going to give you, it's like an encyclopedia of all different ways that you can get ahead of behavior, teacher, kids, the skills and how to communicate. So they feel empowered.
01:04:11
Speaker
And you also feel still in control and confident in that. So that's coming out soon. Um, and I also do offer one-on-one consultations too. So again, that can be found on my Instagram. amazing Amazing. I will be getting that guide. Oh my gosh. I feel like that's my number one takeaway from today is like to really try to focus on being proactive rather than like reactive to my children's behavior. And that just takes some control and restraint and awareness for me. So.
01:04:41
Speaker
No, like I said, I learned a lot about myself and how I'm reacting. So like I didn't even know I needed to hear a lot of this, but it's kind of made me reevaluate of how I react to things. So I really appreciate like you letting us be vulnerable and asking like the personal questions about our kids as well as others. But um we appreciate having you on. Yeah. Thank you so, so much
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
01:05:05
Speaker
for joining us. And like we said, we will definitely be having you back on.
01:05:10
Speaker
Awesome. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday. And don't forget, the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there. All right, gotta go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.