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#40 Sebastian Engstrom - Bringing My Boy Back to Life
39 Plays3 months ago
This Ayahuasca journey was life changing for me, as I got to experience the sexual trauma that happened to me at two years old, and bring my baby boy back to life again. I never cried this hard ever in my life and there were many tears shed in this solo podcast. May this serve as healing to you as well <3
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Transcript
Introduction to the Ayahuasca Journey
00:00:00
Speaker
All right. All right. All right. Let's fire them up. Ludacris, Fast and Furious. One of my favorite movies. Let's go. Coming back to myself more so now than ever before. And let me tell you why. Let me tell you how. And this journey and podcast is a solo one. So.
00:00:25
Speaker
Get ready to hear more of these in the future.
Spiritual Preparations and Cultural Context
00:00:28
Speaker
This one is specifically regarding the ayahuasca journey that I went on here a few weeks ago. Some life changing events that took place. Blessings. And this is what the podcast is about.
00:00:48
Speaker
And I want to start this off by saying, even though this has made a major impact in my life, this is no shape or form or way that I am saying, Hey, go out and do it. We all have our different ways. You all have our different paths of healing, of connection, source, God, whatever it may be, insights, wisdom. This is one that is true to me.
00:01:17
Speaker
So when going into any type of ayahuasca journey, the man that I'm working with and the intention that is being set there is a mix, but is deeply rooted in the Santo Daimi church in Brazil.
00:01:39
Speaker
when the Christians came there and found the indigenous people and they were connecting to ayahuasca and then they saw all these different ways that they were presumably preparing for this ayahuasca ceremony like they were not eating salt or eating meat
00:02:07
Speaker
XYZ or sleeping with each other. Some of this may be explained, as I've heard that they didn't see this or salt was not something that you ate, meat was not a necessarily a resource that you had on a regular basis, or you didn't see people having sex necessarily out in the open.
00:02:28
Speaker
But that's neither here nor there.
Personal Preparations and Dietary Changes
00:02:30
Speaker
The purpose of this, me saying this is I've done this enough times now, six, seven times that my body, my spirit, my soul knows that I'm devoted to this path. So the journey starts weeks before. And I played around with, okay, well, is this me?
00:02:51
Speaker
This is one week before is it all the way up until because when I go straight vegetarian or vegan, I start withering away and I start losing connection. And due to the sensitivities that I have, like gluten, dairy, nightshades, there's a host of other ones, eggs.
00:03:12
Speaker
I'm very much on the AIP schedule, so anti-inflammatory protocol. So if I don't follow that and if I don't get very clean sources of organic produce or meat or chicken or fish, then my body starts revolting. But here's the thing.
00:03:32
Speaker
All of these different foods have energy associated with them. Like antennas, they give off very strong energy. So for example, sugar, I don't eat sugar. I'd stay away from a lot of sweet stuff overall. Don't really eat any grains, maybe could be considered it. But for me, I process it well.
First Ceremony: Family and Societal Revelations
00:03:50
Speaker
But sugar specifically, meat specifically has very strong energy, which will intervene and interfere with, if you used to look at it, it's radio signals.
00:04:00
Speaker
of tuning in to the energy vibration that wants to come through during ayahuasca, the connection with nature, the connection with God, the connection with, let's say, your inner child, or it may be spirits, may it be deities, whoever wants to come through, ancestors. This journey was
00:04:25
Speaker
gonna try to eat meat almost all the way up until because I thought that was gonna make me feel better. I was guided to not to stop. I was having physical ailments, stomach ache, feeling tired, sluggish, slow.
00:04:43
Speaker
And I was just new. I felt that I needed to just go with fish and chicken and vegetables. And that's what I did up until the day before and then, or the day of the vegetarian that day. And that's worked for me like a charm. And the first ceremony was very much about what I'm experiencing with both.
00:05:12
Speaker
neighbors, both neighbors on our side, where we live, both have men that are on their second marriage. They are with the younger women in the relationship and they've had already a relationship before that and they have children with another woman before that. And currently we are trying to have another child and we have not been able to, a wife and I and
00:05:40
Speaker
It is interesting what I thought and what I've been experiencing happening is I've been over the last two years being guided as I going into is this the relationship that I want to be in. And that's been healing in itself and leaning into that, speaking a lot of truth. And we really have spoken a lot of truth and coming closer and closer and closer, but it's been some very tough moments in that too.
00:06:15
Speaker
But lately there's been a lot more before the journey looking and being drawn to other women, especially younger women. And I've never experienced anything like this during our entire relationship. And what is this about? What's happening? And I'm speaking to my wife about it and she gets, it's positive.
00:06:41
Speaker
Cause we have a very, very honest dialogue, but it's also creating, right. This is just too much. There's too much of this. And in the
Relationship Norms and Historical Influences
00:06:50
Speaker
journey is showed me what has come to me before that slightly too. Well, what will happen if she's no longer fertile? What it happens if we can't have another child and I want to have another child.
00:07:07
Speaker
What is this a biological need of mine and for me to seek after younger women who are more fertile to pass on my lineage in a new way? And the full circle here comes with patriarchy, hierarchy of the male dominated society and staying in power for such a long time.
00:07:33
Speaker
men have historically been in power for quite some time and women have been looking to men for financial stability security for their children to be safe and i thought oh that's a bunch of bullshit that's in the past that's old that's no longer relevant i got turned on to this book by a few different people Aubrey Marcus being one which is um
00:08:02
Speaker
some people are saying that it's more about having an open relationship but this is a study and a history of sexual relationships which the book is called Sex and Dawn and they specifically go into
00:08:17
Speaker
one of the parts is women are attractive to have you ever wondered why a woman is attracted to maybe a man that is not good looking at all is not charismatic but drives a sports car and Clearly has a lot of money. Where's the Rolex? Yada, yada, yada. I'm like, yeah, right. I got turned off by the book. I'm like, this is too old. I can't listen to this anymore. But in this journey, he showed to me so clearly,
00:08:46
Speaker
That what's happening possibly right next to me on both sides is there's financial stability and freedom in a woman who goes after an older man because inherently for so long so many women have done this. I've given away their power and left what truly they desire in their life
00:09:10
Speaker
what's important in their life because it's so subconsciously conditioned in their cells and also in their minds, this is how a woman behaves. So seeking after that stability, all the man, that security, and then
00:09:29
Speaker
You don't know how long it will be for, but the women have historically squeezed everything they can out of that man historically, financially, and then the man goes on to the next. This saying is, the man wants to remain in power and continue his legacy by spreading his seed as many times as possible.
00:09:49
Speaker
So it's like a transaction. A woman gets financial stability because the women couldn't get the financial stability, let's say 100 to 100 years ago, on their own because they simply wasn't a market for women actually working. So men had the power. Now in today's Western society, it looks way different. But historically, we're still moving through this generational and energetic shift and change.
00:10:14
Speaker
So being around us, obviously anything that you're around, closest people to you, what you're listening to, what you're watching, what you're what you're surrounding yourself with, you're going to be influenced by. So, of course, I'm influenced by. Round me, the two families with older men, both men have looked into another family to plant their seeds again, to spread their legacy again. What am I surrounding?
00:10:42
Speaker
And as many times I've noticed what I'm being led to do, higher power gone, showing me this is your path to clear, to move through, to test you.
Challenging Traditional Roles
00:10:52
Speaker
Let's do this. It's happened with my father. He couldn't have more children. The second relationship he had after my mother or whatever might have happened.
00:11:07
Speaker
It stopped there, but with me, it stops with me consciously making the decision of no more. Deeply, deeply realizing that, that I choose you, Sophia. I choose you my wife, regardless if you can have children or not. I choose you. I choose you and no one else. Because what we have,
00:11:40
Speaker
Yeah, what we have and we will continue to have. And if that means another child, if that does not mean another child, we have what we have. We have a beautiful family and this, this old legacy, this old generation, this old patriarchy stops right here. No more ends with me.
00:12:09
Speaker
ends with my lineage and what I decide to do and what we decide to do together no more. And as a representation, what I've been led to do many times is to remove my ring, my wedding ring. You're watching the video now, no longer wearing a wedding ring. To remove my wedding ring during every ceremony because what it represents is such a deep
00:12:42
Speaker
character facade box of what is a husband, what is a wife. And I've used Sophia so many years for protection. And this is the theme going into ceremony number two. Taking off the ring to net that my guard
00:13:10
Speaker
My guardian stepped to the side for me to experience what I'm about to tell you right now.
Confronting Childhood Trauma and Self-Discovery
00:13:19
Speaker
And it came back to knowing your priorities. And my priority was to really, really find out why am I so incredibly afraid? Incredibly afraid when I'm intimate with my wife.
00:13:39
Speaker
Why am I scared shitless and shivering and leaving my body and pre-ejaculating? Why is that happening? All the other things in my life I can control, but when it comes to intimacy, when I'm opening up my heart to the person I love the very most, I shut down and I became, I go into trauma response.
00:14:13
Speaker
Many, many things have led me down this path. Many, many steps have taken me to this exact moment. It was full moon. And I was ready to make and meet my maker.
00:14:41
Speaker
and calling in the divine feminine, the divine masculine, the showing there, one of the facilitators, the wife, the man who leads it, and was not part of the first night, but had chosen her number one priority, even though she wanted to be up there, but her daughter who was downstairs and needed her.
00:15:08
Speaker
And I reflected back to her as like, thank you. Thank you for showing me and us what a true mother is. The regardless of her desires is she chooses the number one priority. She chooses her child. And for my little boy to experience that, for her to open up, the man who leads this
00:15:39
Speaker
It helped me surrender, it helped me step into the divine feminine and greater degree than I ever have. Mother Mary was so present. Mother Mary has been so present with me for the last few years. And I was shown that when I was two years old,
00:16:08
Speaker
When I was in Tunisia with my parents, I ran into a glass wall and my forehead cut up bleeding everywhere.
00:16:26
Speaker
And two men came and grabbed me. They realized the severity of the situation. I felt that I remembered it was more men. They put me in a cab and drove away my parents, as they said, running after, not being able to get in the cab or do anything that jumped into a cab afterwards. And then I realized and was shown
00:16:53
Speaker
how one of these men, with all this fury and this rage of what white men have done through Muslims, through the Arabic people of northern Africa, of Tunisia, the colonization, which I've been reading about and be led to read about,
00:17:17
Speaker
how that's impacted so much of the world and so much even I have a responsibility in that with being of that lineage of the white man of the European man having German descent of all of this I am part of this indirectly whether I like it or not my lineage my DNA and all of that rage it's like he became a demon one of these men and
00:17:49
Speaker
Violet decided
Spiritual Healing and Interconnectedness
00:17:52
Speaker
to sexually abuse me and imprint all this fury of what the white men have done. I'm going to give back to you and let me unleash it. And to experience this,
00:18:23
Speaker
with so many things devastating, relieving. I've never cried that deeply and that hard ever in my life or ours. And being shown an understanding of why I've been so dissociated in my life, how my little boy died at that moment.
00:18:58
Speaker
I mourn the death of my little boy. I mourn the death of most of my life and also celebrated. I'm still alive. Still fucking alive.
00:19:26
Speaker
Like God's grace, I'm still alive. I'm here now. I couldn't have done it for God. God's grace, I feel. God's grace. For over me. To just know, like,
00:19:52
Speaker
All of this, all of this is meant to be and supposed to be for you to be here right now. Right here. By two weeks before having gone in, in London, seeing a bunch of Muslims on the street at 11 o'clock at night, seeing a mosque and going into a mosque, for the first time ever in my life, being curious and looking around and finding myself praying with all these Muslim men,
00:20:24
Speaker
Always getting me to that point. To that point. To reveal, to find out. God is all. Allah Buddha. Krishna. Rama.
00:20:54
Speaker
whatever name, Mother Mary, Isis, Hathor, whatever name, many forms, many different names, Mother Earth, Cosmos, Universe.
Embracing a New Legacy
00:21:10
Speaker
I'm back. I brought my little boy back.
00:21:19
Speaker
with epilepsy and all that he has experienced brought him back. Like in the scene of Avatar 2, they bring back Atayum to Mother Earth, the Great Mother. Nothing is ever lost.
00:21:48
Speaker
This goes back to the great brother. He'll bring my
00:22:18
Speaker
little boy back. And to now know that I'm here now. That's your father. That's your brother. I'm here. I'm here now. I'm weeping so deeply.
00:22:53
Speaker
for all the time that I've lost in my life. I haven't felt my emotions in my life. Disassociated in my life. Been checked out. Being present. All came down to this moment. An amount of relief that brought
00:23:23
Speaker
the serenity that brought. It must be onward. It's in a fucking way. I'm back. After all these years. From my wife to so bravely having shown the way.
00:23:51
Speaker
Thank you my wife, thank you my daughter, thank you my wife's family, thank you my family. We're here, we're fucking here. Still here, I didn't die. All the times I've wandered in, I didn't die. Still here. Still here. Grace of God, still here.
00:24:21
Speaker
and to know that I'll never be abused again. I do judo by doing Brazilian jujitsu. I'm gonna fucking get it. No fucking man ever again. Not my fucking family, not my fucking father, no fucking man, not my fucking brother-in-law, not my brother, no fucking bigger man, no man, no woman, by the grace of God, never again. And for me to share this story
00:24:49
Speaker
Whatever that may bring to anyone else, mainly for myself, is to get this, to get this out, to exclaim, to splay my belief deep, belief in God. And they say that people have near to death experiences become highly, highly trusting in God.
00:25:22
Speaker
Yeah, I'm one of them. Because I wouldn't be here. I would not be here by the grace of God. That was for the grace of God. Still fucking here, still fucking alive.
00:25:43
Speaker
And to bring it back to the first episode when I mourned so deeply, and when our cat died sage, it felt like I lost the sun. Cause that was the first damn sign that it was my old son. It was me. It was little Sebastian that I was mourning and I was deeply weeping for weeks or months.
00:26:12
Speaker
I lost him. All these years, step by step, breadcrumb by breadcrumb led me to this, led me to this place. And when Steven committed suicide, my mentor, I just, I knew that could have been me. That could have been me.
00:26:39
Speaker
by the grace of God, by the grace of Sophia and Athena. Why the podcast is named Sophia? It's an honor to them. It's an honor to a higher being. I can't do this alone.
00:26:59
Speaker
A cast is not about me, it's about God. It's about this journey that we're all on, and I'm just a damn messenger in this journey. It made that message come through me and my experiences and whatever I experienced, but we're going through a revolution of change. No longer will it do what the old generation has done and keep all this shit inside. It's bringing rot to the surface.
Spiritual Rebirth and Empowerment
00:27:28
Speaker
Hallelujah. Being brought back to the days of Oklahoma. It's a very fond memory, shout out to Bird. A black brother, African-American brothers. I love that. Love that culture, the rock culture, connection to God, and the times we had in church.
00:27:55
Speaker
I don't think you're bird. I think you're deeply bird. And I saw a card just like his the other day that reminded me of this. Reminded me of that connection that we built. God is not a religion. It's not a church. It's not prayer.
00:28:24
Speaker
That divine connection that you feel in your heart, in those sacred moments that may be different for everyone, that, that, how do we cultivate that, that deep connection, that deep knowing, that deep honoring?
00:28:41
Speaker
bring them back to honoring to the women, empowering the women and empowering the men for that sake, too. And there's a bunch of shit, a bunch of shit that men have done, but that's fucking elevate men, because we all need each other. We're all here for each other.
00:29:00
Speaker
to acknowledge all this shit that continues to happen that'll be led and done by men, hell yeah. But not for me, as I've done for so many years, take on that fucking trauma and make myself put myself in the dirt because that's why I got them belong because all this shit that has happened.
00:29:21
Speaker
With men for so many damn years, yes, acknowledge it, feel that fucking pain. I'm still conditioned in these old patriarchal ways, still working through it. Acknowledging that, but knowing I am damn amazing as a man too. And for there to be masculine and the feminine, just like in the yin and the yang, the light and the dark. For the world to be, for God to be, for the earth to be.
00:29:52
Speaker
Life and death. They both need each other. So men and women need each other for life to be. So let's honor each other for that. Honor our path for that. Let's heal. Heal together. I just want to thank you for tuning in.
00:30:23
Speaker
Can't relate. A few resources that you want to check out, might want to check out. Peter Levine, waking the tiger. Body keeps the score, Russell, Andrew Koch, something like that, might get the name wrong. Healing comes back to nature. Healing comes back to the body.
00:30:55
Speaker
Healing comes back to, trust me, you're not gonna figure it out by your mind. I damn tried, I still tried to do it. It's not gonna get you there. Avatar 2, rising of the family. I'm gonna make it back. Goddamn stands, right where I'm from. Right here in Sweden.
00:31:24
Speaker
No more, little boy. The man is here to come. King is here to reign. My kingdom now. Not what my father used to do. Not what the old generation used to do. Not what my mother used to do or how she wanted to keep me as the little boy or surrogate husband or whatever. You may say what you want. Energy can be perceived in many, many different ways, but I'm no longer someone that people want
00:31:54
Speaker
May I speak this out now? Tell the universe now. I am me. I'm here to be free. For the goddamn log man, honorable man, and the king that I am. If anyone ever talks to me, please hold me accountable to that too. As Jake Sully, I have a tar too.
00:32:21
Speaker
as Aragon, Lord of the Rings, as Leto, and Dune, may the king rise, may the queens rise, may we all rise.