Transcript
Speaker: I found myself on a new path, being able to explore the world myself without judgment. I didn't have to be upset about it. would be like, wow, that's really interesting.
Speaker: Before I would be so tight, so tense, ready to explode. Mood changed. I found myself a better person. I like myself better.
Speaker: Robby Spear- Welcome to the Habit of Possibility podcast, the show about turning obstacles into opportunities. I'm your host, Robby Spear-Miller. Today, our guest is Cindy Tryon of Kashi Hypnosis.
Speaker: She's going to share with us how she learned how to get out of the good mom role, and the ways this helped everyone in her life thrive.
Speaker: Hello, everybody. This is Robbie Spearmiller, your host of the Habit of Possibility podcast. And today we're meeting with Cindy Tryon, who has been a student at Hypnosis Training Canada for a number of years.
Speaker: um And she's grown and changed in all kinds of amazing ways. She has a clinic up in Orillia called Kashi Hypnosis. And she's here to share with us how she went from living her life trying to make up for things and and do everything she could to do that to to being able to actually choose what she wants. and And she's going to share with us how that made her life better and also how it helps her help other people more.
Speaker: So welcome, Cindy. Thanks, Robbie, for having me. Yeah, thanks for coming. So tell a little bit about what it was like for you, like before you started learning here, what was happening? Yeah. So my life every day was trying to make everyone happy.
Speaker: So trying to please live up to other people's expectations, trying to um be the best mom or in my mind, making it so that my kids lived better lives, making it so that friends were happy. so it's never...
Speaker: really about me, it was, I was living through just trying to be a better human, but not not succeeding at it.
Speaker: So would you say, because I think all parents want their kids to have a better life than they do, right? I think that's a really natural instinct or desire. um But talk about how this combination of you feeling like you needed to make up for things played into that and how it got in their way.
Speaker: It got in their way because i didn't allow them to grow through things. I didn't allow them to learn the lessons that they needed. i was always trying to put band-aids on everything for them and it didn't make them happy. it They were finding me controlling. They were finding me that I was just misreading every situation.
Speaker: and taking over. And a lot of it was I'd made so many mistakes in my life and I was just trying to make their lives better.
Speaker: And I didn't succeed in that. Yeah, i years ago I had this client who was struggling with her adult children. and And one of the things she said, because she was watching them go through all kinds of things, and she knew what they were doing to sabotage themselves, but she knew they wouldn't listen to them or, you know, do what was better.
Speaker: So she said to me, i wish I could just share my my wisdom with them through osmosis, and they would just know. Right? Yeah. right So I think as parents we all wish for that because it's really hard to watch people hurt themselves or go through the ups and downs of learning.
Speaker: um And as we're talking about this, it reminds me of this movie from years ago. I don't know if you saw it or you remember, but I think it was called WALL-E. It was a Disney movie and it was about getting civilization to the point where people didn't need to do anything.
Speaker: Like technology did everything for them. So people were actually literally wandering around in wheelchairs, not because they weren't capable of walking, but because it was easier if the wheelchair just took them places. And then they showed how this this hurt them in so many ways in their lives.
Speaker: And, and ah you know, to me, this kind of situation is is kind of, that's a good metaphor for ah rescuing people that way. Well, for sure. And I could easily see myself, let me do that for you Don't worry.
Speaker: you know um And now that I've stepped back, it's so cool to see you know the kids doing their own thing. I don't need to be on the phone with them every day.
Speaker: And I can stand back and i can watch them flourish in a more unique way. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I think i have come across a lot of parents who I've worked with who were were adult children who are verying in very close contact with their either their parents or their adult children.
Speaker: And um a lot of family cultures have ah have evolved this way, but but the truth is um when that happens, then the child, the adult child, still feels like a child, and the parent still is acting in the role of parent, and that that time is totally over.
Speaker: So it it keeps the child from becoming a full adult, and it also keeps the parent from living their lives. Well, it stunted my growth. It stunted me.
Speaker: i was too busy. trying to take care of business for everyone else, that I didn't take time to grow me or settle in into relationship or because I was trying to be everything that I thought everyone else wanted me to be and not recognizing that there's boundaries. I had no boundaries.
Speaker: Yeah. And that it's good for them to learn through the ups and downs and having their own experiences because otherwise, how are how else are they going to get good at things?
Speaker: Right, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So talk about how, like, what have you noticed has improved for your kids since you've started to live your own life? I've noticed that their relationships have improved. Yeah.
Speaker: I noticed that I'm now just a grandmother and I was trying to parent my grandchildren in a different way and not trusting the kids that they could do it themselves, right? and So here I was, you know, gonna go to come in and raise a whole new group of children.
Speaker: And it's fun just being a grandmother, you know, you just set up things and you have fun and they go home to their parents. And, you know, that that's a very cool thing to watch that I've seen the grandchildren really blossom, you know, just running in and going, Grandma, I'm having a popsicle. And they run out the door because they're on their bicycles.
Speaker: And it it's neat to see them grow up, too. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. So there's an element of this, ah of like trusting that whatever they need to learn, they're learning, even if in the moment it doesn't look that way.
Speaker: and And I know sometimes those moments, you know, I have two kids as well, and and there are times where you're like, really, that's what you're going to do? or at least you think that even if you don't say it.
Speaker: um But it's so important that they do learn from that experience because otherwise they'll never know. they'll never know what would be a wiser thing to do. um You know, I know for me when I was growing up, my parents in some ways were very overprotective.
Speaker: So they kept me from doing certain things or there were a lot of rules about what you do or don't do. So there was quite a boundary of learning from experience in certain areas. And so I learned a lot when I moved out of my parents' house and I was living with other people from all over different backgrounds and observing Some things were useful about how I grew up and some things weren't so useful and it gave me a chance to decide for myself and I think that each adult person knowing they're capable of that and trusting that is a ah really important quality to have.
Speaker: And I can really appreciate that because we grew up with rules and all the structure and you are not to break the rules and as a mom starting out, i was always going to do it differently than my parents did.
Speaker: And it was really quite for many years, like really, i'm going to say the words pissed off at my parents. And then i started to appreciate some of the learnings that I had that having structure and stability is a good thing. Having, you know, set points where you can really stay with between the lines is a good thing, but where I was crossing the line with my own children is yes, I had structure stability, but then I was even going further and really
Speaker: like trying to control everything. Sometimes. Talk their spouses. Yeah. Right. Sometimes we take it too far. I sure did. Yeah. I think in various ways we all have.
Speaker: As parents, we're also learning as we go. And that was kind of a cool experience when it was like, oh you can make mistakes and you can recognize and you can just back up and do it a different way.
Speaker: And I think that's where I found grace that I could recognize that it's never too late to change. And where I used to want to jump in or, or,
Speaker: come roaring like now it's just just gonna sit there and be more curious and not buy into it so and when the kids now try to triangulate and bring me into it it's like you know you guys have this you guys can figure it out and it's always surprising to me they're like you know it's like take it up with that child You guys got it. Where before I used to run from child to child and that wasn't useful.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's great. So talk about how since you have changed this, what has changed for you? Like how is the quality of your life better? What what has opened up for you or what have you accomplished because of that?
Speaker: So I found myself on a new path, a new way of um being able to explore the world myself without judgment, but being able to have things that popped up in my world and I didn't have to be upset about it would be like, wow, that's really interesting.
Speaker: And before I would be like, so tight, so tense, so ready to explode and mood changed.
Speaker: I found myself a better person. I like myself better. um You know, my partner appreciates me more. Like i I hear a lot of kind remarks from him and I noticed a lot of people going, I don't know what she's doing different,
Speaker: But they'll they'll think that I've done something drastic. Almost like, where did you go? Where did you put Yes. Where is she? yeah If you're enjoying this podcast, please like and follow us and post a review so other people can find us too.
Speaker: Being able to talk to people and not hide because I was i always... hid, I think, behind my kids in a way. Like I just didn't have my own voice.
Speaker: So it's like I've learned new languages. ah I'm able to connect with so many more people. And learning to say the word no was like the coolest thing ever.
Speaker: like No, that's a word you can say. and and And nobody's striking you down dead. and So you realize you can say no and and the road goes on. It did go on. Were there moments where people were upset with you about it?
Speaker: Oh, huge, right. And still today, you know, um the kids quite haven't adjusted to everything. So they'll have their moments and it's easy now just to let them be to sort it out.
Speaker: Like that it's being able to move that frustration and now they're going to get to the other side, you know, and and that's the cool thing. Like you can trust it now. I can trust it.
Speaker: And what will be will be. Like they'll need to discover that so that they because they're going to have many obstacles that pop up in their life, whether they it's financial problems, whether it's relationship problem. And if they can't self-sort,
Speaker: Now it's going to be even more troubling when they get older. So, you know, they might come and say, bounce an idea off me. And I actually make them sort of talk it through without going in and saying, well, you should do this.
Speaker: So you ask good questions. Yeah. You let them kind of ah express their ideas. Yes. Yeah. It's amazing how when you reveal what you're thinking your head to the outside world, even if nobody says anything, you see it differently.
Speaker: but who Yeah. and And that was something that was surprising to me because it was like seeing it through a lens that was always clouded. And now it's just, I see clarity and yeah and it's need to see different things.
Speaker: Yeah, and the a parent could be the most wonderful, caring, well-adjusted parent. When the kids are adults, it's still important to not be in their lives too much, right? You could see each other maybe once a week, enjoy seeing each other, love each other, and then be living your own lives because otherwise,
Speaker: the anchors from being a parent and a child fire off right anchors are like if you can remember a time when you dated somebody and they were a certain scent and you smell that scent it reminds you of that person so we have all kinds of uh visual auditory kinesthetic and uh you know smell and taste anchors in our lives that's just one of them with the scent And so what happens is that when we're in situations that fire off the anchor, then everything that goes with it comes too.
Speaker: So if we're reminded of being a child, we're going to react to life in a way that comes from being a child. So i I know I can remember... but having moved out of my parents' house and then going back for, you know, a family celebration or a holiday or something, or staying with my parents for a few days.
Speaker: And it was so interesting how quickly i was back in that child role when I did that. But it took being a away for a period of time for me to even realize that was happening in the first place.
Speaker: But if I'd been in that situation ongoingly, I wouldn't even know that that was happening. Yeah, so true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what other possibilities exist in your life now that you have changed thoughts? Because it it opened your life up in so many ways before your obsession was saving them, helping them, doing things for them.
Speaker: And now there's so many new things in your life. So talk about that. Yeah. So financially, I'm in a very different place than I was because it was just trying to help everybody out and really putting myself in positions that were not okay.
Speaker: And so now financially it's better for me. um I feel calmer in myself, like very calm in myself and taking things in stride, no matter what pops up, you know, I can go, Oh, I have possibilities.
Speaker: You know, i can either go left or right, or I can stay stuck here. So, and being able to see, where I want to be and really aim for it, like really boldly taking steps into new, new, um, like with my career, taking it to a place, you know, i dreamed it.
Speaker: And now I'm seeing everything come to fruition. I'm seeing better relationship with my partner. I'm seeing a better relationship with the kids.
Speaker: And but even friendships where I was just giving a lot to friends. And it's okay just to to be a friend and not have to please everybody.
Speaker: and Yeah. Yeah. And you also lost 25 pounds. I sure did. Yeah.
Speaker: I did. Yeah. Just and really committing to the journey through this and knowing that i had some stumbling blocks and i was able to continue the journey because I knew there would be something different or something for me on the other side, you know, and i just had to trust going through the process.
Speaker: And it was layer after layer after layer that I had to move through to get this energy space that I'm now in. And the drama that I created in my whole head about it, you know, that I was trying to paint a picture of myself that if I stepped away, I wasn't being good enough for them.
Speaker: And to your point about, you know, you don't have to be in each other's pocket. We have better conversations. My daughter lives four hours, with a four hour flight away from me out West.
Speaker: And the five minute phone calls that we have maybe every three weeks or a month have more meaning now than they before. ah we We're calling each other every day.
Speaker: you know, there was a lot of, you know, we would talk every day, but there was no real meaning to it, if you if you understand that. And I don't mean in a bad way. It was just, you know, it was more me just trying to see what she was doing, like,
Speaker: was like being a little spy. what yeah you know What's my grandson doing? And i mean she would be like, mom, I got it. I'm busy. And I would be, oh, you don't want to talk to me.
Speaker: I'm wounded. Right. Or just going over to the kids and just not doing it on purpose, but, you know, my daughter-in-law, you know, I would scan the house and then I would start doing things. And, you know, to her, it was like I was being judgy about her house, me thinking, oh, i she just needs all this help, right? And I go for an hour and her house is beautiful. And, you know, in and my other son's world, you know, being hurt with just little things. And it was like,
Speaker: you know, I was making all that crap up, right? Yeah. and And it was like, right? right and coming home and and telling this big sob story to my husband, right?
Speaker: So you were looking for confirmation that you are a good person. And when they didn't react the way you wanted to, you thought, oh, they don't they don't appreciate what I'm doing, or maybe I am a bad person, or maybe I need to do even more.
Speaker: Right? I was like, where's my report card? I never got the A.
Speaker: the endless pursuit of the a yeah and and you know and being very dramatic about it i mean what if you know i i look i can laugh now about it but lisa holy if you had had a video camera you'd be going oh good and being so angry all the time like that was probably the biggest thing i was like you know i could be the big b word and and just because i was angry that things weren't going my way.
Speaker: yeah But nowhere did I ever communicate to anybody what I wanted. Right, and you also thought your way was best for everybody. Everyone, right. course it was. Yes. Yeah. Well, it's funny, Cindy, as you show this, because i I kind of went through the the daughter version of this experience, because when I had my... This happened in various ways over time, but the biggest example was when I had my first child.
Speaker: My mother was a pediatrician, and I made some choices that were quite different from her beliefs about how to handle a baby and raise a child. And so her the first year of this child's life, she didn't trust me without me. And here I was a new mom, right? And my mother's a pediatrician.
Speaker: So it's, you know, you're kind of going, it makes you doubt yourself more because of her skillset. And so it was a real ah maturing experience for me because I had to be the one to set that boundary with her. She wasn't gonna let up.
Speaker: And so after about a year, i started to notice that she wasn't getting mixed in anymore. And so I said to her, what changed? And she said, oh, I see you're doing a good job, so I can leave it to you.
Speaker: But she needed to wait until she could see that so leave it to me And I was 34 the time. So yeah, it's, you know, sometimes it doesn't matter how old you are, your parents still think you're a child and you need help.
Speaker: And she was well-meaning, right? She thought, I need to be there for this grandchild, I need help, just like you thought you were well-meaning. um But I think there were many situations for me as a young adult where the message behind that was that I wasn't capable myself.
Speaker: So it made me not trust myself or... feel resentful that I was being controlled that way or guilted into doing things a certain way. So i think it's a very important thing to leave a vacuum for adult children to learn for themselves.
Speaker: Yes. And when we talk about guilt, like i played that guilt card to my kids all the time, like all the time.
Speaker: Right. Yeah. And, you know, I, i would do things like they would say, mom what do you want for your birthday? Just your time. And they're going, no, no, what do you want? Just to give me time.
Speaker: And they're going, we have families, we have no time. And me, ah You don't have time for your mother. my mother literally said that to me once when I had two young children. said that to me. So yes, I really get it. yeah so and And through our hypnosis journey, I've learned that guilt and shame is a weapon, and right? It is truly a weapon. You know, as I listen, even to the kids sometimes,
Speaker: You know, I hear the words that I've said to them and I'm like, Ooh, right? I needed to roll a roll of duct tape, right? The kids really should have taken out chairs and the duct tape. off And that's... so Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. So how has this growth and learning helped you help your clients better so I find when I'm in with my clients, I see a lot of patterns there and I'm able...
Speaker: to step in and help them move through that a lot quicker. um So I have the tools to help them move through, either through moving or just some techniques and things like that.
Speaker: And it makes usually the person sitting in my chair usually has a pattern that I'm going through it right at that particular moment. And I have to do a lot of reflection afterwards and going, okay, so not only am I helping them, I'm helping myself at the same time, which is very interesting that and when when I see that three people are in a row, i'm going, huh, this is a big one that I have to break through. Where am might I be doing this? Exactly. And, you know, and when I find that they're reacting in a way where,
Speaker: you know, it's not true or that I see that version of myself where, you know, I definitely had the blinders on. Yeah. And isn't it interesting when we can let go of our own story or defensiveness about it enough to at least observe things in others that we might be doing, right?
Speaker: It's even better if we can observe it in ourselves, but sometimes it's actually easier to see it in others and go, oh, right, I do that too. Yeah. And then you see what the the fallout is and ah and it becomes easier to agree to change it or to not get lost in the story of it or the belief that here's how it has to be. Right. And it's interesting, too, because it's a game.
Speaker: Right. And it's what game i think you taught me that. What game are we playing? And you can usually see some of the games that I played in the past, but even my clients, right?
Speaker: And it's like, oh, okay. Right. So the game of twister is a good one. Yes. That is a good metaphor for what a lot of people play in real life. Yes. yeah And I actually have that at the clinic. they that And sometimes I'll put it on the floor and, you know, and they're looking at that.
Speaker: And isn't crazy how we contort ourselves? to stay where we need to be. And I'm like, I offer them, do you want to do that now?
Speaker: And they're like, no, thank you. ha That's awesome. We should all have twisters in our offices. Great idea. Yeah, great.
Speaker: Is there anything else you want to share with us that was helpful for you about this or things you think might be helpful for the audience? I think once we discover how We're managing or mapping out our world and we can discover that, you know, is this useful or unuseful?
Speaker: And that was a big one for me. In fact, my husband goes around the house when I say something, he'll go, useful? Unusable. So he's he's picked up some things from you. He's picked up some things from And, you know, and rightfully so, he will backplace something that I have to go, oh, yeah, okay, got it.
Speaker: So, you know, I think he, you know, he's a really good client yeah in some aspects. um And then, know. He's a quick study. he He's a quick study.
Speaker: And I see him practicing a lot of the, um you know, the techniques and things that I work on myself.
Speaker: I see him doing it outside our home with other people. And so he's just picking up. So I think as we do this, other people start trying to learn just by observing things.
Speaker: how we're moving through things ourselves, which is cool. That is very cool. Yeah. Just by being around us, they start to look at the world that way as well. um Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. Great. All right. Well, tell people how they can get in touch with you. So my space is in Orillia, Ontario. It's called Kashi Hypnosis.
Speaker: And you can reach out to us at kashihypnosis.com. And love to and we love to meet you and come in and see what we have to offer there yeah and people come to to do things like lose weight stop smoking manage stress be more confident yeah and fear we everything it's so cool we had such a device um group that come to see us yeah awesome and the other thing is that we're planning to do a a workshop it's a twoday workshop
Speaker: about navigating family dynamics that's going to be october no november fifteenth and sixteenth twenty twenty five so you can check out hypnosistrainingcanda dot com to find out more and register for that class um i'm really excited to do it because this theme has been one that's very close to my heart for many recently um as i know it has for you as wellindy so many many people who come test for training in general make important changes around these themes um but this cheday workshop will be focused specifically on
Speaker: family dynamic and how cool that you're doing that robbie because i wish we had had these tools when i was just a new mom me too yes yeah i actually started to learn hypnosis and an lp before i was a mom because i knew i wanted to be a better mom so yes these these the the way that we learn how to interact with the world helps us function better so we can help our children grow up to be more ah resilient and independent so it's pretty cool in our green
Speaker: and i think at least i got it people all the grand um' just a lee humer yeah will you you'll learn it when you learn it right yeah yeah awesome well thank you for coming on the show and thank you so much for having me you can connect with cindy at kashihypnosis dot com that's k a h s h e hypnosis dot com looking for more support to make these types of changes in your own life
Speaker: join us for a two-day navigating family dynamics workshop on november fifteenth and sixteenth twenty twenty five learn more at hypnosistrainingcanada dot com or click on the link in the show not if you're interested in connecting with me and learning about personal and business coaching consulting and training opportunities go to mind linkconsulting dot com or hypnosistrainingkeda dot com and schedule your free consultation let us know what you think of the show
Speaker: reach out to us at mind linkconsulting dot com and if you like this show please rate and review us so other people can find us too thanks so much for tuning in i'm robbie speermiller the host of the habit of possibility podcast tune in next time to learn more about how you can turn obstacles into opportunities and make the most of your life and career
