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Secrets to Breaking That Old Relationship Cycle: How to Go from People-Pleaser to Healthy Partner
39 Plays17 days ago
What happens when love feels more like performance than partnership? Guest Michelle Spencer explores how early experiences shaped her relationship patterns, how she confused flattery for love, and the powerful process of healing through boundaries, awareness, and real connection.
Key Themes:
- Recognizing and breaking people-pleasing patterns in relationships
- How childhood trauma influences adult attachment styles
- The emotional cost of morphing to fit others’ lives
- Learning to set loving boundaries and reclaim identity
- Reframing admiration, validation, and red flags
- Dating with awareness, agency, and self-worth
- Slowing down the pace of love to build something real
- Building relationships that support mutual growth and authenticity
For anyone who's ever felt lost in love, and is ready to discover how to do things differently.
About Michelle Spencer:
As a hypnotist, I get to help others create an easier way to live and love their life, just by changing a few habits.
Along with my career, I’m a mother grandmother and business owner for over 30 years. My life is busy just like yours. Learning how to slow down in my head and be calm is one of the biggest learnings I got from hypnosis training. Being a hypnotist has played a big part in keeping my life balanced, and I’m thankful I can share it with others, as their trainer.
Learn more about Michelle at https://www.baysidehypnosis.com/.
Learn more about how Robbie Spier Miller’s coaching, training, consulting and speaking opportunities can help you enhance your personal and business performance here:
https://www.hypnosistrainingcanada.com
https://www.mindlinkconsulting.com
Social Media Handles:
@hypnosistrainingcanada
@robbiespiermiller
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Transcript
Becoming a People Pleaser
00:00:00
Speaker
So I became pretty much in all of my relationships, very much a people pleaser. I felt like I always had to fit into their life, molding my personality, molding my likes and dislikes into their lifestyle.
00:00:16
Speaker
Standing back from it, that is the reverse way of thinking.
Introduction to 'Habit of Possibility' Podcast
00:00:23
Speaker
Welcome to the Habit of Possibility podcast, the show about turning obstacles into opportunities. I'm your host, Robbie Spear-Miller. Today, our guest is Michelle Spencer of Bayside Hypnosis.
00:00:36
Speaker
Together, we will explore how to break that old relationship cycle and go from being a people pleaser to becoming healthy partner. Hello, everybody. This is Robbie Spear-Miller, your host of the Habit of Possibility podcast.
Exploring Relationship Problems: Trapped vs. Choices
00:00:51
Speaker
Today, I'm interviewing Michelle Spencer, who is a longtime colleague of mine and the owner of BaseSlide Hypnosis in Pensacola, Florida. And we're here to talk about how to have possibilities in relationships. And my personal experience and what I've observed with thousands of clients has been that where problems start to happen in relationships and where things go wonky is when we don't see possibilities.
00:01:17
Speaker
We feel backed into a corner or we feel like that person is the only person we can be with or they're giving us something we can't get anywhere else. And when that happens, things go off the rails in relationships in all kinds of ways.
00:01:32
Speaker
So we want to explore this topic and look at how can we become more free to to know we're choosing and see the possibilities. And when we do that, we can build much healthier relationships.
00:01:45
Speaker
Even if we stay with the same person our whole life, knowing that we have choices is what frees us to make the relationship healthy. So welcome, Michelle. Michelle. Thank you. I'm glad to be here. Thanks for joining us.
00:02:01
Speaker
Yeah, great.
Michelle's Past Relationships and Self-Esteem Issues
00:02:02
Speaker
So start by telling us a little bit about, um yeah I know now you have a really good healthy relationship, but in the past you struggled with some relationship dynamics in your own life.
00:02:13
Speaker
So tell us a little bit about like what was the pattern now that you can stand back and see the bigger picture that the same pattern was happening over and over. Tell us about what that was for you.
00:02:26
Speaker
Well, my pattern and in relationships and men were, I always felt like I needed, that they chose me. So, i and the flattery of being chosen by someone that may have had more than me or where I saw opportunity for me to be maybe better, I think it was more of the flattery from someone of being ah ah of a higher level than i was, because my self-esteem was a little low, so I would definitely get into the admiration.
00:03:00
Speaker
and Once I got into the relationships, and all three of these relationships are identical, then you kind of still, you you feel pressured, you know? So that was my pattern is I would be attracted to something that I never thought i would be able to have in my life.
00:03:18
Speaker
And then once I got it, I didn't really know if I was good enough to keep it. So, and, and then the the self-esteem would pop up and i would, it it would just send me spiraling backwards thinking maybe I made a mistake.
00:03:35
Speaker
Okay, so so you felt like you needed to prove that you deserved it or that you were up for it um or make up for something to be able to keep the relationship?
00:03:48
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. it was So I became pretty much in all of my relationships um very much a people pleaser. you know My self-esteem wasn't very high, so I felt like I always had to fit into their life.
00:04:05
Speaker
So I would become very organic into molding my personality, into molding my likes and dislikes into fitting into their lifestyle.
00:04:18
Speaker
So, and it's kind of the standing back from it, that is the reverse way of thinking. um But a lot of that had to do with but with my childhood, how I was raised, some trauma that happened.
00:04:32
Speaker
And it just really made my mind think in a different way. So I didn't only do this in romantic relationships. I would also do it in personal, like personal relationships with friends. I would always go with what they wanted to do.
00:04:49
Speaker
i would never really make a decision.
Proving Worth and People-Pleasing Roots
00:04:51
Speaker
it would always be very fluid and I would just kind of move through whether I wanted to or not. So and it's amazing at how, you know, i could really get myself into situations that I did not want to be in And, um and there's a, almost like a way of fighting for it.
00:05:12
Speaker
Because you don't want to fail, you don't want them to dislike you. So you stay in the relationship for reasons. reasons you know, that don't even make any sense today. It's almost hard for me to explain them, but I would stay in there with reasons that were self-gratification to myself.
00:05:31
Speaker
instead the other person. Okay. So your neediness was the thing that made you, it it eclipsed everything else. And so you were kind of um in hypnosis, you know, they wanted to change the word hypnosis to mono-ideaism. It was Dr. James who named hypnosis hypnosis and he regretted it because hypnosis means sleep and hypnosis isn't sleep.
00:05:57
Speaker
And the reason he wanted to rename it to monoideism, which means a single idea or obsession, is because we're all in these hypnotic trances or we have we all always have some kind of obsession.
00:06:10
Speaker
It's just human nature. It's how our minds work. And what you're saying is that your obsession was proving that you deserve to be there and you would do anything to do that. And it it eclipsed everything else.
00:06:23
Speaker
And you would be willing to give up so much to do that and be very vulnerable to other people for that reason, because it gives them the freedom if they are the kind of people to take advantage, to take advantage.
00:06:39
Speaker
and if they're And if they're not the kind of people to take advantage, they might feel like the relationship's a little wonky, because it's kind of weird to be with somebody who's such a chameleon and always changing themselves for you and not having any needs.
00:06:54
Speaker
Yeah, you know um you hit on a really good point. I always needed to feel wanted because I never felt wanted.
00:07:05
Speaker
And so if someone showed me any type of admiration that made me feel like I was wanted, then i would turn into, like you said, the chameleon to satisfy their needs.
00:07:19
Speaker
Yeah. My needs didn't exist. I can take care of myself. I don't have to have that, you know? And so, and but after a while you, um you start getting resentful if the admiration stops or if they are off doing their own thing, like, you know, um traveling or having to go out of town for work or whatever, there's that fear of abandonment that happens.
00:07:44
Speaker
And then I'm thinking, well, maybe, Maybe they don't want me anymore. My mind just kind of starts going back into it. So then you double down on what you do to feel needed again. So you become very much a ninja people pleaser, if you want to call it that.
00:08:02
Speaker
And, you know, yeah, and you will, you will change into so many different things. And to to the point that you almost feel like you lose your identity, you know, you're, you're, you feel lost.
00:08:16
Speaker
And so when you're gaining resentment because you're not able to be you or you're losing your family, you may be going on with this other person's family. And so then you start losing your own family or you're not giving your own self attention.
00:08:30
Speaker
That's when the resentment starts happening. And this is definitely, and you know, a side effect of being a people pleaser is eventually you tap out and you and your little baby brain starts backing out of the of the relationship very slowly, trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, you know, but you will start. I so i would start nitpicking.
00:08:57
Speaker
them, I would start nitpicking why they do this and why it's not fitting into my life anymore, which, you know, i went into this relationship. How am I going to fit into that person's life? Halfway through the relationships, I'm like, okay, how is this person fitting into my life?
Self-Sabotage and Fulfillment in Relationships
00:09:12
Speaker
And that's when the nitpicking starts. And that's when you start pretty much sabotaging the relationship so that you can get out and it not appear to be my fault.
00:09:23
Speaker
I find reasons as to why i can't be in that relationship anymore. and Blaming the relationship or blaming the other person for not being able to cater to me when I was basically the one causing all of that.
00:09:38
Speaker
They were catering to me. I just changed my mind. And it it's been a pattern throughout my entire life. And it's exhausting. um And a lot of good came from those relationships, but there was never, I don't know that I ever experienced what love was.
00:09:58
Speaker
So and then you start, you start questioning what is love. And if I was loved, would I know it? the yeah You know, it's, it's a, it's a very odd feeling. So then you start feeling kind of lonely your own self. Yeah.
00:10:16
Speaker
For sure. Like the the person didn't even know you because you weren't willing to be you. And so they were dating ah chameleon who was trying to be the way they wanted you to be.
00:10:28
Speaker
Yeah. So it's not very trusting, you know. um Now, where I thought I was being that way, i was this was all wholehearted. This isn't anything that I was even remotely aware of.
00:10:43
Speaker
But when you're in a relationship and if you're, you know, if if you don't feel loved, it's, it's, it's, there's something going on in you, you know, especially if the other person is, is providing and they're, and they're wanting to be around you and their, and their actions are doing all the things that are showing love.
00:11:03
Speaker
But if you have a feeling of not being needed or not being loved, then its It's something that's a lot deeper than the relationship. It happened way before and I just had no idea.
00:11:18
Speaker
So, and I believe there's so many people roaming around on the face of this earth feeling this in the same way. If you're enjoying this podcast, please like and follow us and post a review so other people can find us too.
00:11:34
Speaker
Years ago when I moved ah two offices ago, moved my furniture from one office to another and I'd hired this moving company where for the second time, and the first time they did a fabulous job, but the second time they sent other movers and they were terrible and they scratched stuff. And I remember when they moved my desk into the office,
00:11:54
Speaker
when When they were leaving, they
Flattery and Superficial Needs in Relationships
00:11:56
Speaker
they were complimenting me on what a great desk it was and how beautiful it was. It was nothing fancy. ah But I was like, that's so weird that they're complimenting me on this desk. So I go look at the desk and there's this huge scratch across the front of the desk. Yeah.
00:12:12
Speaker
And so, you know, they were trying to distract me from noticing the scratch on the desk because they were playing my ego, right? If they complimented me, then I'm feeling good and focused on that.
00:12:23
Speaker
And in a way, you were conning each other, not on purpose. In those types of relationships, you know, probably the con to them was like, wow, I found this beautiful woman who will be exactly the way I want a woman to be.
00:12:37
Speaker
and And then the con to you was that you thought that was love. Yes, absolutely. Right? And it will, really. Yeah, and it does, um you know, being in this pattern or in this strategy, it does promote me to be attracted to people that really like to give admiration or that would like to um flatter me with things that I like.
00:13:11
Speaker
And so it's almost like two wounded souls coming together and I'm here to save you. I'm here to fix you Let me do this for you. Turning myself into 50 different shapes of pretzel um so that this person will like me.
00:13:27
Speaker
And it's giving them the admiration and flattery that they're wanting because of their own insecurity. So they never get tired of it.
00:13:38
Speaker
ah They love the people pleasing because they have... like the ah the relationships I was in, they had the desire to feel wanted.
00:13:52
Speaker
you know? And so i was able to do that. They were for giving it back to me. So it was just a, it was like a ping pong match on how long can we keep this going?
00:14:04
Speaker
But eventually it tires out. And so after three eight marriages of this, I'm like, okay, I'm the common denominator here.
00:14:18
Speaker
And so I had to learn and oh my gosh, it was the, um, It was a big thing for me to to take in realizing that, you know, this was on me.
00:14:33
Speaker
This was all these relationships were my insecurity. Now i'm not taking all the blame for this. I'm just holding my part in it. But I realized, okay, there's something deeper here just being just me serving other people or wanting to be nice to other people. It just, the scar was ah was a lot deeper and I had no idea where it came from or what it was or why I had it.
00:15:02
Speaker
Cause I just thought, Hey, I'm a nice person. I'm successful. I run a business. I'm raising kids. I'm, I'm a, you know, I'm a good person. what How does this happen? And so moving past that was a big, uh,
00:15:18
Speaker
it it was, it it was a big thing to swallow for me because I, my whole life I worked so, so hard to please people. And so learning how to accept myself and accept where I was in my life of being this ninja people pleaser, um, was a I don't even know what to call it, but I'll say it was a quick, it was a swift kick to my butt.
00:15:45
Speaker
that I like admitting, but once I admitted it, I was able to start healing from it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it takes that level of security for somebody to say no and still feel okay.
00:16:01
Speaker
So I bet that the men you were attracting, they they didn't like it when somebody said no. To them, you saying yes or doing what they wanted made them feel important or special or loved.
Recognizing Red Flags and Material Gifts as Love
00:16:13
Speaker
And so there was a yin and yang to this, which is why you were attracting people who were you know the opposite side of the coin to you. That's right. I was never... taught what a boundary was.
00:16:26
Speaker
I had no idea what boundaries were. I mean, they didn't exist in my life. So if you're moving through life with no boundaries whatsoever, don't know the word no.
00:16:38
Speaker
you You just, but because you're morphing into what you believe this person wants you to be or what they're no or what they're desiring you to be.
00:16:51
Speaker
and i would I would really, um I never reached my own personal full potential in any area of my life because I was so busy helping this other person reach their full potential, so I thought.
00:17:09
Speaker
And so I was basically invisible and my life. um Even though I thought I was enjoying it, but looking back on it, I mean, I really never was satisfied.
00:17:20
Speaker
So you're always a martyr. You're always complaining about it, or you're always internally thinking about it and um getting that resentment built up, you know, it's.
00:17:32
Speaker
So you live in a, you you live in a ah state of anxiety a lot of the time, just that, that bubbling up and having that knot in your stomach to the point that I never even noticed it anymore.
00:17:43
Speaker
But was always, I was always busy, busy, busy. I kept myself busy all the time. Never relaxed. So that was kind of a side effect of, of all of, of my behaviors, really. Yeah.
00:17:58
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. So you were, um that the signs you were looking for that this person cares about you or loves you were not real signs. They were signs of them taking advantage of you or being needy in their own way.
00:18:14
Speaker
But your interpretation with of them was, oh, if they if they give me compliments or they buy me something beautiful or they take me on a fancy trip, that means they love me.
00:18:26
Speaker
And it instead, it was kind of a distraction, just like the movers telling me how beautiful my desk was. yeah Yes, yes. You know, and I think with each relationship, and I am talking about marriages now um primarily, but I think with each marriage, that became more intense.
00:18:48
Speaker
so it, I mean, I started attracting a little more of an aggressive of a person who would um definitely lavish me with gifts. And so the first one was, you know, more innocent and love and, and, but it was also, you know, having to give up a lot for that relationship. And then, as I said, it progressively got worse until I did get to the point where, you know, um i did get mixed up the gifts, the ah lab ah lavish trips, the, um I'm going to call them guilt gifts or or distractions.
00:19:26
Speaker
I did mistaken them for tokens of love. ah really did. And, you know, looking back on it, I'm like, holy cow. But yeah yeah, I really i really did.
00:19:38
Speaker
so So now if somebody sends me flowers, I'm like, what is that? What does that Yeah, and it's funny you say that because years ago when I was dating my husband, we watched the movie called Sliding Doors, and it's about this guy who cheats often on his girlfriend.
00:19:56
Speaker
And every time he cheats, he brings her this beautiful bouquet of flowers. My husband told me, I will never give you flowers. Now if I give them to you, that's what it means, right? So he's never in our whole, we've been together for 25 years, he's never given me flowers. Yeah.
00:20:13
Speaker
You have your bed. That's right. I'm triggered by a flower. so god you're You're an easy mark, Michelle. know.
00:20:26
Speaker
i know Yeah. So let let's explore a little bit what the alternative is, because I think a lot of people get stuck in this. And this is one example, but I think a lot of us have something that's like our, you know, our weak spot, our place that we're needy for. It could be lots of things.
00:20:47
Speaker
But if somebody taps into that, we could feel like, wow, I love this person. They're the person for me. And we we feel like we have to be with them. I know I've done that. more times than I would like to admit in my life.
00:21:01
Speaker
um You know, in a totally different pattern from you, Michelle, but I get the experience of that, right? Because sometimes we don't even know what it means to fall in love or what does it mean for somebody to actually love us. So the act of loving somebody, um I think a lot of it is those little everyday acts that show that the person actually cares about you. Yeah.
00:21:25
Speaker
Because we can be attracted to somebody, we can be in passion, right? our Our minds and bodies make us fall in love so we have babies. But it doesn't mean that we're in were actually in a loving relationship.
00:21:40
Speaker
And so I think that our tendency as a you know as humans is to get cons. And a lot of times it's not on purpose. But there there's a con because where we have a neediness. And our neediness makes us conable.
00:21:54
Speaker
and her it And once it happens, it is like getting kidnapped. It's very hard to get out of it Right. We feel like, ah you know, in Lord of the Rings with the ring, my precious have to have that ring, right. I'll do anything for that ring. yeah That's right.
00:22:11
Speaker
Yeah. I, um, yeah.
00:22:14
Speaker
Now, and now that I have learned boundaries and I'm starting to venture out into that relationship arena again, um i have had to first learn what boundaries are because boundaries are so important and they're very
Learning Boundaries and Sensitivity to Admiration
00:22:34
Speaker
loving. Okay. They're not there to protect me.
00:22:37
Speaker
I've had to learn that I'm safe. And I'm safe in my own self. And i had, I did have to go through a lot of healing, um a lot of reframing or really going back into my past and just really um being in love with, with a lot of the things that, that I did go through and and so that they weren't so intense in my mind, affecting my nervous system.
00:23:04
Speaker
So where my nervous system ran high anxiety. So of course my attachment, you know, to people was anxiousness that they wouldn't like me. Now with boundaries, I'm able to, i I'm able to choose the people that are in my life.
00:23:23
Speaker
that It's not like they choose me. So I'm visible in my own life now. i am I have self-acceptance in myself, in my career, where I am. i assume responsibility for where you know i have come from. And I'm able to use that as a resource okay um to give me more my self-esteem to be to be more mature now. I'm probably still working on that part and it'll probably always be a work in progress.
00:23:56
Speaker
But now when I'm When I'm with someone or when I'm moving into a relationship strategy, I'm now trying to be more secure with that, knowing that I can say no, knowing that I do have my outlook. i have I have my future in my mind.
00:24:18
Speaker
And so I'm kind of seeing how is this person, how can this person, does this person fit into my life So that I can be my full potential. Is this person really supporting and loving me no matter what's going on?
00:24:37
Speaker
Are they still there for me? um But I'm also integrating that with how am I fitting into their life? Me, not the person that I think they want me to be, me.
00:24:51
Speaker
but me You know, and am I loving them for who they are instead of who I want them to be? Right. And are they loving me for who I am instead of who I think they want me to be? It's just there's a there's such a ah huge difference in that mindset.
00:25:11
Speaker
So it's it's more it's it's slower. It's just a gradual thing. But I will tell the first moment that Michelle receives admiration, it's like I just took a dose of crack.
00:25:25
Speaker
You know, I have to be real careful with that. and but But I'm aware that I'm an admiration junkie. And, or I was, and so now where maybe I was this much, I'm maybe this much now.
00:25:40
Speaker
And so I'm, but, and I know that if I, if I'm getting that, it is triggering me a little bit in a, in, in a way that is going to send me into that people pleasing mode to get more of it.
00:25:54
Speaker
So I just take it in and I, I pretty much just put a cap on it and, and take it for face value. Right. And it doesn't, I don't, I do my best to try not to let it motivate me in the wrong way of, of having power.
00:26:12
Speaker
Okay. It boosting my self-esteem so high that it gets into this, you know, delusional state of thinking I'm better than or into the superior state. Right.
00:26:23
Speaker
Right. So, um, but my, I do know when I trigger now and that just my self-awareness, holy cow, has been such an asset to me because just being self-aware of my body, if I trigger, if someone I'm with that cares about me, it And it's like I've almost become nervous about it, right? Because I'm like, ooh, that feels like pressure.
00:26:53
Speaker
When someone really loves you and cares about you, to my nervous system, it almost feels like pressure to me. Right. And because you you feel um like you need to be a certain way to keep it. So it's like you feel like, oh, I'm getting this dose of drugs.
00:27:10
Speaker
And can I handle it? Is that little bit? And there's also the other side of wait a second, I don't think I want that. Or or i may and I may go back into that. I may not be good enough for that because this person is so wholesome or they're so kind and they're so loving.
00:27:28
Speaker
And so you almost become a little bit of fearful of that. And that could be um maybe a sense of abandonment. Maybe I don't want that because I may experience abandonment before again and I don't want to do that.
00:27:41
Speaker
So there's always that question. i just know that I recognize it and I may not know why it's happening, but I recognize my, my nervous system um triggers so that I can really get out of it and, and stand back and really look at this person.
00:27:59
Speaker
in a loving way and say, Hey, to myself, Hey, this is what, this is what's supposed to be happening, you know, and welcome. And so I have to start, I move into it accepting this person I've got, I just have to slow my nervous system down out of anxiety into security so that I can really get to know this person and,
00:28:26
Speaker
One of the best tools that I learned was that when you're venturing into relationship, you know, the first three months of a relationship is really the honeymoon phase.
00:28:40
Speaker
You don't notice red flags. You just, you, there are. They're there they were clear, you know, and you're in this head spin of admiration and you think it's love. And that's, I've lived in that first three month period for like years, like right?
00:28:57
Speaker
And then the next three months is when sometimes the red flags may start happening. Okay. um For me, I barely make it. a couple months into it before i start creating red flags. So I've really had to listen to my body so I can stay in it and and move through some of that anxiety so that I can get to what love may feel like.
00:29:22
Speaker
I don't know that I know what feels like yet, but I know I will experience it. one day. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So I'm wondering in those first three months, right? and And it's such an amazing experience to fall in love and be in that whirlwind.
00:29:40
Speaker
um I'm wondering if it would help people to choose to stay engaged with their regular life during that phase so they can still enjoy that experience with the person, but stay connected with their friends, with their work, and find ways to make sure that's happening and see that that person they're falling in love with can handle that. That's right. Right.
Engagement in Personal Life and Compatibility Tests
00:30:04
Speaker
Because that's a good early task that if they can't, that's a cue. Because you want to be able to integrate this person into your life and for them to be happy that you're doing what makes you happy.
00:30:17
Speaker
Not to be happy because you're doing what makes them happy. no Of course, we want to do things to make our partner happy. That's true. But we can't give away everything. So we want to see like what happens if we say Right.
00:30:31
Speaker
And years ago, i I had a colleague who was, I was in my early 20s, and i worked with this woman who was maybe 35. She was a lawyer, and she had she was married to another lawyer, and in the process of getting a divorce, and we went for lunch, and she sat me down, and she said to me, Robbie, before you decide to marry somebody, make sure you see them when they're angry.
00:30:51
Speaker
Make sure you know what their financial habits are. Make sure you know what their, you know, are they on drugs or alcohol that you don't know about? Like she was trying to point me in the direction of like every mistake she made because I met the guy that she was married to and he looked like a total catch. He was like good looking and fit and successful and right. And so he looked like the perfect guy And so it sounds like somebody maybe you would have wanted to date. Probably. probably did Yeah. married I probably married him.
00:31:27
Speaker
That's right. Yeah. ha ha So I recommend exactly what you that lady was but speaking to you about. Yeah. I love the fact that you called that a test.
00:31:42
Speaker
That first three months um being a test of, of and and this time I really am. I'm keeping my identity. my My clinic grows great. My friendships are great. I have my girl time. I have my, you know, family time. I'm more diverse, okay, in my life.
00:32:02
Speaker
um If you want to use that as a word, rather than just being, with that one person to where I just lose myself. Right. and So yeah I know so many women do this. They just go incognito. They start dating someone and you never see them again.
00:32:20
Speaker
I a friend that did that. And it's like, what happened to you? And where are you? It's like, they just fall off the face of the earth. And, you know, it's very important what you said to keep that integrated together and, and that and, and that's what I've done is like, I i want to see, you know, how is this person going to fit into my life?
00:32:42
Speaker
How do they get along with my friends? How do they get along with my family? you know, what, how, how do they interact? I mean, I'll have all adult children, but I want to know how do they interact with them? How do they interact with my grandchildren?
00:32:54
Speaker
I think it's very important, you know, to, to test that you're right is, Yeah, and to watch for yellow flags or red flags in a gentle way. And there will always be at least some yellow flags with every human.
00:33:09
Speaker
And we just if you notice them, you just want to be curious, right? And to know, like when we were talking about having choices, it's important to know that if this relationship doesn't work out, you'll be just fine. And there are lots of other people out there because it's very easy in the moment to feel like this is it and you need it. Yeah.
00:33:28
Speaker
and And then we don't want to admit the yellow flags or the red flags and we allow it to become a bigger problem. So I think that having that kind of floating up above the situation and just being willing to observe um can really help a lot. Yeah, that's right. That's right.
00:33:45
Speaker
So I concentrate more on the green flags. more Yeah, but then I'm aware, and I like the yellow flags, and I'm aware of the red flags, and I'm very comfortable about talking about the red flags.
00:34:00
Speaker
So because my boundaries now are very loving. I can really take the red flag to the other person and say, hey, this is what's going on with me.
00:34:12
Speaker
Not sure if this is a big deal, but to me it is. Can we talk about it? You know, we can come to an agreement. um Because sometimes red flags are deal breakers, right? And, and,
00:34:24
Speaker
chris but But that's just my deal breaker. You know, my deal breaker may be absurd and or are not really. i may not have a different perspective on it. And so it's really good to get the other person's perspective to or get a third person, a mentor or someone involved that can that can help you with that perspective.
00:34:43
Speaker
So, yeah, very important to have more than just your own perspective. mind connected to this person. You've got to have that outside feedback, um, whether it be good or bad, you just need to get it, you know, from good, from good sources. Okay.
00:35:01
Speaker
Don't get it from family, get it from good sources. That is, that has a different, you know, um, relationship with you. Yeah, I've had some clients over the years who came for help with relationships. And one of the patterns I've observed is sometimes people are attracted to people who criticize them and they are perceiving it as a challenge. Like if I can get this person to want me, then I'm okay.
00:35:28
Speaker
And that's very dangerous because then you attract people who are like hypercritical and will never be supportive. And then it becomes a ah big merry-go-round. And these people often are very beautiful and charismatic and successful, and right? And they're feeling terrible about themselves because they're putting the them in themselves in the situation where the person they want approval from will never ever ever give it to them and they'll think that the people who will give them approval like they're boring right they're not attracted to them or they'll be attracted to them at first but as soon as they get approval from them they're they're done and they'll look for a reason to leave so i yeah yeah i mean yeah
00:36:16
Speaker
ah no And you can see from the other person's point of view. So if you were in a relationship with somebody like that, how heartbreaking that is for the other person, because here they've fallen in love with you and they're into it. And then you all of a sudden you flip and leave. Yeah.
00:36:34
Speaker
Yeah. yeah what So yeah. Yeah, been my that's been a real ah and it been the struggle of of my patterns. So it's and it's been a lot to to get out of it or to bring on a new pattern. you know um And I just have had to have a lot of self-awareness, a lot of forgiveness, a lot of support to this new mindset. And I'm still a work in progress.
00:37:00
Speaker
I think I'll always will be. But as long as I... have self-acceptance and and I can really feel my body when i trigger, and then I can readjust myself. And I'm just hoping and praying that those triggers get further and further and further apart.
00:37:19
Speaker
So I think everyone out there deserves to be loved and we all deserve to love and just looking so forward to it and when it happens, but you know, it's and it will. And it's so, so it's, it's exciting to heal from this and to it to recognize and then to want to change it.
00:37:41
Speaker
So. Yeah. You're becoming the person who can have that type of relationship. And it's it's it's it's happening and you're growing into it. And the more you do, the easier it is to build a relationship like that. So, you know, sometimes it happens because we've grown ourselves and we're ready for that other person. And sometimes we meet somebody and we're not quite ready, but...
00:38:06
Speaker
both people are willing to grow together were to use the relationship as like a crucible to mature. if um Yeah, that's right. I had to, um this is another thing to hit on what you just said. um I had to lose that thought that am I ready?
00:38:26
Speaker
You know, people pleaser is very hard on them themselves. And so we never feel like we're ready because we never feel like we're good enough. And we never feel like we're going to, you know, have the right answer choose the right person.
00:38:38
Speaker
So I had to overcome that by just opening myself up to the universe. And just and I know that's a little metaphysical, but I did, i just had to open it all up. And and And once I went into self-acceptance is when this happened. And that is when I really started drawing people to me that were good for me.
00:39:03
Speaker
And it has changed my business. It has changed my my being who, I mean, my, i I'm not gonna say my identity, but the way I feel about my, about my identity. um It's changed the way that I communicate with people.
00:39:18
Speaker
ah it it is it's really just changed my whole world, you know? And I'm like, I wish I had this 50 years ago. but Yeah, I'm with you, and Michelle. i've often had that feeling though yeah yeah I've often had that feeling about the work we do because we we have learned how to forgive ourselves through at the work we do with hypnosis and NLP.
00:39:40
Speaker
And then we help other people learn how to do that. And a lot of times they don't know what that means until... they're shown, right? Because if we didn't grow up in that kind of family um where we learned how to do that, we need a way to learn how. And so it it really changes lot to discover that.
00:40:00
Speaker
So yeah. Yeah, it really does. and um And so I've kind of, I'm really thankful that I've been through all of this. Because when people, you come into our clinics, it's so good to give them the fast track to, to get to where, you know, they want to be.
00:40:20
Speaker
And you can kind of cut out so much of the, of the long-term healing that you have to do and get them healed a lot faster. Yeah. It's just an amazing, it's amazing thing that what we do really is.
00:40:33
Speaker
It is. And, and you know, i i my observation is that most people who do this work are attracted to it because they needed to heal themselves.
New Possibilities and Personal Healing
00:40:41
Speaker
And when we do that, it gives us this huge insight into how to help other people because we've been through it or something like it, or we know somebody else who's healed up from it in a powerful way. And so, you know, it's like we have this wisdom of healing.
00:40:57
Speaker
thousands of people in one person because of all the people we've helped and all the life experience we've had through this work. So it can really help people get places that maybe they never thought they could get to. So yeah, when one of the clients that I was mentioning, one of the people who was very attracted to people who criticized her all the time, when she was coming for a program, she started dating somebody who she never normally would have chosen. Mm-hmm.
00:41:24
Speaker
And she had all these things about him, right? And he was just there for her and loved her. And great and she had to kind of learn how do to adjust to that because it wasn't her usual, i i guess, map for what it means to fall in love.
00:41:40
Speaker
right? But she's married to him and they have a couple of kids together. and you know So that's this has been years ago already. So um it is amazing how these these things can really open people up. These changes can open people up to really changing their whole life and the whole way they have relationships. Yes, absolutely. it just what we do It takes so much pressure off You know, when you go through relationship to relationship to relationship and, and, and it's like, oh my gosh, here we go again, you know?
00:42:13
Speaker
And then finally you're just like, don't even want a relationship. I'll just be single for the rest of my life. I'm not even going to let anybody else in my life. Well, that is your first sign that you're the one with the problem.
00:42:25
Speaker
but Right. And so yeah. Well, and and to be willing to grow through it because it's it's a real cop-out to say either I'm not ready because the only way you get ready is by having relationships and learning from them.
00:42:38
Speaker
So if you say I'm not ready, that's a cop-out or forget it. I don't need a relationship. I mean, need is a strong word because we we want to know we're okay anyway, but it's human to want to have that person in your life.
00:42:52
Speaker
um And it's a growing experience. And we want to embrace that journey and honor it in ah in ah a bold way, in a courageous way. Yes.
00:43:02
Speaker
And so when you feel that freedom to be able to make the decision to go back into the dating world, but with a different strategy, it's almost exciting because you're like, it's like you have have something new.
00:43:16
Speaker
It's like, I'm going to go try this and see how well it works, right? I can readjust and try it again and step back read it, get some more information from someone, from a mentor or from you or whatever. Yeah.
00:43:27
Speaker
And, and go back into it again. Cause the majority of the people are very patient. The majority of the people that really are good quality people, they're not going to go anywhere. They're going to let you screw up. They're going to let you show your, you know, your emotions or whatever until you, until you get it right and get settled in.
00:43:45
Speaker
yeah, like Well, if they don't, you know you have your answer, right? and so So it's trusting that, like trusting that the people who are meant to be in your life will be. And other people can, if they leave, they make space for the people who are meant to be. It's like making a long-term investment in your relationships, but being willing to let go short-term.
00:44:08
Speaker
Because the neediness we talked about at the beginning of the call is really the short-term thing, right? It's kind of like, you know, eating junk food. Mm-hmm. where like I have to have it um instead of being able to have like a good, meat like solid meal.
00:44:23
Speaker
So those types of relationships are the cotton candy of relationships. And it doesn't take long to have too much cotton candy. That's right. That's right. Yes. So the slow way is the best way. And so I do have to dial that anxiety down.
00:44:40
Speaker
quite some time, you know, and, um, or the, or just the, the energy after dial that, that fast pace energy down quite a bit, just so I can pace in a slow, good rhythm just to get to know somebody. It's just hanging out and getting to know someone and seeing, okay, how long, how long we're going to stay and in each other's lives. And it's, it's okay, whatever that answer is.
00:45:04
Speaker
So, Yeah. Another thing that some people might find helpful is if if you've been caught in the same cycle over and over in relationships, on purpose, choose to date people who don't normally fit your typical kind of person you're attracted to.
00:45:20
Speaker
And you may or may not end up with them, right? It might end up just being a pleasant experience or a not pleasant experience or interesting um but you'll you'll discover aspects of people that you like because I think part of um a mature approach to relationship is actually knowing what really matters to you what do you value in a person and if If you've been so obsessed with with one specific quality or way they're treating you, that's not even who they are. So you have no idea what matters to you. And if you're a people pleaser, you definitely have no idea what matters to you in a relationship.
Valuing Personal Connections Over Material Wealth
00:45:57
Speaker
Yeah, you're... You're right. You don't know. um You know, my, my values were totally upside down. You know, i valued, I ended up valuing money.
00:46:08
Speaker
Okay. So I thought it was love. And I thought that, oh my gosh, this person wants me and look at everything they have. It was like, oh, it is. I never had that in my life. I grew up poor and didn't have that much money.
00:46:24
Speaker
And so when someone that had it or had a prestigious career or was was a handsome person, those values was the crack on top of the admiration that they would give to me. And because I never saw my beauty. I never saw what they saw in me because I was invisible.
00:46:44
Speaker
So when you really... admit that, yeah, money was pretty um sparkly to me, is what came along with it, ah then it yeah had to start i have to start changing those values. So now that my value is more toward people, I can now see past the shininess. I can see the person.
00:47:06
Speaker
And that that value of money, where it is still an important value, it is not the number one. So I have a feeling now that it's a person, it will be more love enhanced rather than, you know, material objects or whatever it is that, you know, was over, that was wooing me before.
00:47:30
Speaker
Now it's going to be more of the person and how that person works. integrates into my life and supports me so that I can reach my full potential as well as they are at the same time.
00:47:42
Speaker
So totally different connection, totally different connection than before, but a whole lot more rewarding and a lot in my body is just so casual with it. It feels so good. It's like I can feel my breathing when I'm, when I'm in this state.
00:47:59
Speaker
yeah, there's someone out there that doesn't have this state, they need to reach out and, and really work on that because it's not worth living life like that. Yeah.
00:48:10
Speaker
yeah It's just not. ah Yeah. We are all as humans, we're all worth more than what we realize. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's so interesting as you talk about this, because I've worked with some men who famous, like maybe they're like a sportscaster or a radio or TV announcer an actor or somebody like that.
00:48:30
Speaker
So I've worked with a number of people like that. And sometimes when they're struggling with dating, They'll choose on purpose to take, ah like if it's a guy, they'll choose to take a woman to like a total hole in the wall restaurant, drive a crappy car, right? Like they'll remove any evidence of what they have. You know, I think ultimately people find out anyway, but they're they're really wanting to...
00:48:52
Speaker
um minimize that factor in dating to see, does the person actually want to spend time with me? Or do they want me to buy them things and give them things or have the lifestyle or, you know, be seen on my arm or something?
00:49:06
Speaker
So, um yeah, I think there there are practical things we can do and also emotional growth things we can do to to explore. i think exploring is a good word because of course it's lovely for somebody to treat you to a beautiful dinner or buy you flowers or whatever. you know i love flowers, even though my husband will never give them to me.
00:49:28
Speaker
Of course it's lovely. But there i think that the situations we're describing here where the that that's the thing, that's the ultimate. right And there's a neediness about it, which did which is different from just enjoying it and appreciating it.
00:49:43
Speaker
And knowing that we can also have other choices and it doesn't mean anything about us as a person or them as a person. Yeah, that's right. And i i i come to i came I really came to realize, and this was a hard one for me to swallow as well, is that I was very self-centered. you know um it was like it Everything I was doing that seemed so loving to me, um it was all for me.
00:50:14
Speaker
Yeah, well, people pleasers tend to be like that. You know, I'm a recovered people pleaser too. And when I realized I was doing it for selfish reasons, that was a bit of a shock. Yeah, because you think I'm doing all these things for people.
00:50:30
Speaker
You know, how could I possibly be selfish? And then you realize you're doing it because you want to feel safe or wanted or accepted or not abandoned. Yes.
00:50:41
Speaker
We're like a good person. It's just icky. You're like, that's what was doing. The self humiliation in that has helped me tremendously. Yeah.
00:50:50
Speaker
yeah and the hemo the self humiliation in that um has helped me tremendously ah Even though its it a little teeter-totter coming out of it. But it's just like, I just can't.
00:51:05
Speaker
I'm sure I do it subliminally because it's like in me. But man, i'm i've really I've really stepped back from that and tried to get a hold of that because it needs to be and you know it needs to be about the other person. you know Life isn't about me.
00:51:21
Speaker
You know, it's about, it's about the other, it's about people. It's about the other person, um, and how we can come together and just create life together, supporting one another and and which is, which is love. And, um, so it's not self-serving at all.
00:51:40
Speaker
um it's just give and take, you know, maybe that, that flow back and forth with one another. um, yeah. it It's just easy, think.
00:51:52
Speaker
it's just easy i think Yeah. You know, when i when I got married, we um we we are a mixed marriage mixed religion marriage.
Strong Relationships and Supportive Environments
00:52:03
Speaker
And so we chose like a humanist officiant for our wedding. And she said something very beautiful that I'd never heard before, but it stays with me, where she's her her blessing on us was, may you have a strong enough relationship that you can look outside of your relationship to give to others. Oh, yeah.
00:52:23
Speaker
And I think that's a really lovely way to put it, that if each person in the relationship is healthy and and loving and respecting of the other and celebrating the other person and what they need to do in their life and being supportive, that there's more to give to the outside world that the relationship is also healthy. Yeah.
00:52:45
Speaker
And like I think that's like a really wonderful sentiment to consider. You know, is the relationship you're building supporting both people in that way? or is it eclipsing everything else and taking all your energy just to hold it together or keep it or, you know, something like that? so I like that. That's beautiful. I mean, it says it's so...
00:53:09
Speaker
it's so um safe together. It's like you're, you're together. and then if you're together and you've got two people making one thing be awesome and great, just imagine what it does to the rest of your world or to your friends or the rest of your family. You're such a, you're, you're, it's like, yeah, that's probably why people just gravitate to your relationship because there's so much trust and bond.
00:53:36
Speaker
Yeah. Well, you have to build it, right? you know, that was a blessing. We definitely had to grow into that. I would not say that we were there at the moment we got married.
00:53:47
Speaker
But one thing I really appreciate about my marriage is that we do, we both of us have grown and changed a lot, and we've given each other space to do that. And I, before I was with my husband, dated people who didn't like change. They wanted to stay the same and they wanted me to stay the same.
00:54:06
Speaker
And thank God I did not choose to spend my life with somebody like that because, you know, the breezes need to blow through and there needs to be space to grow and to change and to go through ups and downs. And So it's it's really, I think that's a really great criteria for seeing, is this a fit? You know, how does this person ah manage change? Are they willing to be open to it? Are they supportive about that? Because you will change no matter what. So you may as well be with somebody who can handle it.
00:54:39
Speaker
great Right? That's right. I'm thinking about the old me or the old my old strategies is that was just, that was a lot for people to handle. I'm hoping that now my new strategies is easier for someone to handle, that they can now handle me.
00:54:54
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Great. All right. Well, we're going to wrap this up because we're way over time, but I kept going because this is such an important and interesting topic. So thank you so much, Michelle.
00:55:06
Speaker
Share with people how they can get in touch with you. Okay. Well, I own Bayside Hypnosis in Pensacola, Florida. And if you want to reach out to me, i can chat with you at any time. My number 850-293- two nine three 3933 and that is in the states or you can email me at michelle at baysidehypnosis.com so i am on facebook instagram and all that so you can follow there i um you know i do talk a lot about relationships so i'm more than happy to help anyone with it if if they need it for sure thank you
00:55:41
Speaker
Great. Thanks so much. If you are interested in connecting with me and learning about personal and business coaching, consulting and training opportunities, go to mindlinkconsulting.com or hypnosistrainingcanada.com and schedule your free consultation.
00:56:01
Speaker
Let us know what you think of the show. Reach out to us at mindlinkconsulting.com. And if you like the show, please rate and review us so other people can find us too. Thanks so much for tuning in.
00:56:13
Speaker
I'm Robbie Spearmiller, the host of the Habit of Possibility podcast. Tune in next time to learn more about how you can turn obstacles into opportunities and make the most of your life and career.