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Old vs New Masculinity | Ep. #3
518 Plays4 years ago
Today we are going to be diving into the difference between “old” masculinity and “new” masculinity. I’m going to unpack both of those, and I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s really helpful if I see kind of the big picture of something. When I see the big picture and I understand the why behind something, it actually motivates me, empowers me, and equips me to kind of trudge through what I need to really effectively see a change in my life.
Without that, it’s really hard for me to do. Obviously, it’s not impossible, but I don’t know if it’s a throwback to the Marines where you have to do what you’re told and not ask why, and that rubbed me the wrong way or if it’s just something else in my personality. But in general, I appreciate understanding why. So today we’re going to dive into the why behind “why should we move towards this new approach to masculinity?”
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Transcript
Introduction to Masculinity
00:00:00
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
Old vs. New Masculinity: Why Change Matters
00:00:29
Speaker
Today, we are going to be diving into the difference between old masculinity and new masculinity. I'm gonna unpack both of those, but I don't know about you. For me, it's really helpful if I see kind of the big picture of something.
00:00:46
Speaker
When I see the big picture and I understand the why behind something, it actually motivates me, empowers me, and equips me to kind of trudge through what I need to to really effectively see change in my life.
00:01:02
Speaker
Without that, it's really hard for me to do. Obviously it's not impossible, but I don't know if it's a throwback to the Marines where you have to do what you're told and not ask why, and that rubbed me the wrong way, or if it's just something else in my personality, but in general.
00:01:20
Speaker
I appreciate understanding why. So today, we're going to dive into the why behind why should we move towards this new approach to masculinity. But first, I want to take a little bit of time to unpack the old or what I'm calling the old masculinity.
Critique of Old Masculinity
00:01:45
Speaker
And I'm calling it old on purpose because it's out of date. It's actually, there's still a lot of men that live by this kind of old philosophy, but it's not moving them forward in any relationship or in life. And long term,
00:02:02
Speaker
It's not going to get them ultimately what they want or what they need in the sense of depth of relationship and with others and with themselves. So what is that old masculinity? Well,
00:02:18
Speaker
It is the rough and scruff, don't cry, don't show emotion, be tough, suck it up young man approach to being a quote unquote man. I mean the phrase suck it up, in my opinion,
00:02:35
Speaker
is one of the more destructive phrases that you can tell a young boy because essentially what you're saying when you say suck it up is you are actually saying, I'm too afraid to express my emotions and I'm not a man enough to do it in front of you. And emotions actually intimidate me. And so for me to feel safe, I need you to shut down your emotions.
00:03:01
Speaker
That's what those three little words are actually communicating to a young man or to a boy if you're a dad. The problem is that as you grow older, when you learn how to suck it up, what you're essentially doing is you're suppressing your heart. Before we get into what is your heart and why does that matter, staying with the old masculinity for a second here,
00:03:29
Speaker
You know, I mean, there's a reason why the Me Too movement came out and why a lot of women feel the need, the legitimate need to have to fight for their right, their place in society, their voice a lot of times is because us as men with the old approach to masculinity did not actually create safety for the women to be able to have a voice.
00:03:59
Speaker
And we also tried to control and manipulate and overpower and take advantage of. All of that is wrapped up in this bundle of quote unquote old masculinity.
00:04:15
Speaker
It's the, the jock who is super cool, but completely disconnected from his heart. And as he grows older, ultimately becomes the really cool old guy that happens to live by himself and not have any deep, meaningful relationships and finds himself sitting in an empty house after his third divorce. That's where old masculinity gets you.
Embracing New Masculinity
00:04:44
Speaker
So what I want to do is continue the conversation towards the new masculinity. And what is that new? Well, the new is the multifaceted, the man who is willing to acknowledge his heart, acknowledge his fears, his insecurities.
00:05:07
Speaker
unapologetically celebrate the things that he's good at. To not just be one dimensional and to be completely oblivious to what most of us feel. All of us feel insecure at times. All of us feel scared at times. All of us process grief and pain at some time in our life we are going to.
00:05:34
Speaker
The question is, as a man, how are you going to choose to process through those things? And what kind of a model of masculinity are you giving to the people around you? See the old suck it up masculinity? It teaches us to suppress our heart. It teaches us to negate legitimate emotions.
00:06:02
Speaker
Essentially to disconnect or to abort that inner voice that we all have. Some people it's their gut, it's their emotions, it's their subconscious. Whatever word you want to put on it.
00:06:17
Speaker
But what you do when you suck it up is you train your heart to learn how to be quiet in your life. But the problem is even if your heart's quiet, it's still there and it's still driving decisions and actions in your life.
00:06:37
Speaker
See, the old masculinity, you may be tough and have it all together, but then when you're laying down in bed all by yourself, you feel all alone because nobody really knows you. Because you don't have a core group of men that understand your insecurities and your fears and champion you through them to the other side of them. What does that do when you get older and as you grow older?
00:07:05
Speaker
Essentially, it causes your subconscious to build unhealthy, self-sabotaging traps. Because your mind may know a lot of things, but if your heart is not on board, you will literally find ways to cut momentum out from underneath you because your heart is still that scared little boy longing to be heard and celebrated.
00:07:36
Speaker
And that leads to depression. That leads to loneliness. That leads to isolation. It leads to so many destructive things. Why? Well, it's because you've learned how to be a quote unquote man. When really what that is is you've learned how to abort your true identity. You've learned how to distance yourself from the true you.
00:08:02
Speaker
You've learned how to suck it up and get on with life at the cost of intimacy in relationships. And that's not the way to go. That's not the way to model healthy masculinity to the men, to the boys, to the peers that you may have in your life.
Expressing Authenticity and Breaking Free from Toxicity
00:08:29
Speaker
See, when you begin to risk expressing honestly what's going on with a core group of men, I'm not saying that, you know, you publish a Facebook live and talk about your problems. I'm not saying that you need to do that. Maybe that's part of the true you is to be the tip of the spear and give permission to other men to do it. I'm not saying that that is necessary.
00:08:58
Speaker
But it is necessary to be brutally honest with yourself and with those that you have built trust with over the years. You are not as messed up as you think that you are. You are not someone who is missed it or behind the curve or lost it. But when you are pursuing this warped toxic masculinity, the old masculinity,
00:09:28
Speaker
You feel like it. You feel like a fraud. You feel like you missed it. But the reality is we all feel that at times. I know I do. You can ask my friends. I mean, part of the reason why I didn't launch this for years, I felt like an imposter. I felt afraid. And I'm even doing life consulting and helping other people connect to that reality. But for me, I let that eat away at who I was.
00:09:59
Speaker
and keep me just small enough where I didn't have to own my greatness, where I didn't have to embrace my voice. And in those moments and in those ways,
00:10:15
Speaker
I decided to gravitate to that old masculinity. I have two boys and I want them to grow up understanding the value in connecting to and expressing your emotions, at risking letting other people in when everything you want to do is completely shut everybody out.
The Challenge of Embracing Change
00:10:41
Speaker
You know, sometimes the very thing that you don't want to do is the very thing you should do. Sometimes you flip that. Sometimes the very thing you want to do is the very thing you shouldn't do. Knowing which is which requires you to be honest with yourself so that you know the times that you are gravitating towards something that's unhealthy or letting go of something that's unhealthy and gravitating towards
00:11:08
Speaker
a new paradigm. Most of us have no problem pursuing God. Most of us have no problem trying to love our neighbor. But we try to do both of those while we are verbally abusive to our own heart. And that is the old approach. That is the unhealthy approach of masculinity.
00:11:31
Speaker
And that's really what this podcast is. This podcast is one of many voices, I would say in the last couple of years that have come out to try to champion men, to provoke men, to move that needle into a direction of healthy instead of the suck it up mentality.
00:11:53
Speaker
because that doesn't work. It may have worked for men in World War I, World War II, Vietnam War, those eras. That is what you learned. That's how you managed it. You have a lot of vets right now that are just now learning that it's important to be honest about PTSD.
00:12:14
Speaker
But for the longest time, men would go to war, see horrible, horrible things, and come back and that suck it up mentality would slowly eat away at them because they didn't feel they had permission to express what was going on inside.
Conclusion: A Call to Embrace New Ideals
00:12:34
Speaker
Men, we don't need to go backwards. We don't need to go to the familiar
00:12:42
Speaker
I am so sorry if your dad did not model healthy masculinity to you, but you have to ask yourself, are you going to pick up his mantle and treat your heart the way you were treated growing up?
00:12:58
Speaker
Or are you going to risk learning how to be present with yourself and with others and stop numbing and checking out and trying to navigate this one life that we get remaining numb instead of present?
00:13:15
Speaker
Old masculinity tells you, pursue your dreams at the cost of being present and experiencing life. New masculinity says, pursue your dreams and invite others in to the reality of the experience and the process so that when you arrive at your dreams, you have someone there to help celebrate with you.