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Why The Thought of Suicide isn’t a “Bad Thing” | Ep. #67
24 Plays19 days ago
In this deeply personal episode, I explore the stigma around suicidal thoughts, particularly for men, and how these thoughts, rather than being purely negative, can serve as a powerful signal for change. Drawing from my own struggles—starting in my teenage years, through my divorce, and even recently—I share how I have learned to recognize these thoughts as an opportunity to take inventory of my life, reach out for help, and create meaningful change. I emphasize the importance of community, vulnerability, and proactive steps to break free from isolation and destructive patterns.
Through honest storytelling and practical strategies, I challenge the belief that struggling with suicidal thoughts is a sign of weakness. Instead, I highlight how acknowledging these thoughts early, asking for help, and taking intentional action can lead to transformation. Whether you’re struggling yourself or want to better support someone who is, this episode offers hope, perspective, and actionable steps to shift from feeling trapped to moving forward.
Key Takeaways:
- Suicidal thoughts are not a sign of weakness—they’re an indicator that something in life needs to change.
- Men often struggle with emotional vulnerability and connection, which leads to isolation and increases the risk of suicidal ideation.
- Recognizing and addressing these thoughts early can prevent them from becoming overwhelming.
- Building a support system is critical—reaching out to trusted friends, family, or a community can make all the difference.
- Taking inventory of life’s challenges and identifying areas for growth helps regain control and direction.
- Simple but powerful actions—like removing access to harmful means, sharing struggles with loved ones, and making a plan—can be life-saving.
- Healing and rebuilding are possible—even when everything feels like it’s falling apart, life can be reshaped into something meaningful.
- Being a good friend means checking in—sometimes, offering support without waiting to be asked can make a difference in someone’s life.
Links:
Host: Josh Cearbaugh
Website: https://joshcearbaugh.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jcearbaugh/
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joshcearbaugh/
Podcast: https://www.multifacetedmasculinity.com/
Online Course: https://www.jumpstartyourlife.com
Recommended
Transcript
Transforming Suicidal Thoughts
00:00:00
Speaker
I promise you the title of the podcast episode is not clickbait. There is a way to be able to leverage the thoughts of suicide and use it as a catalyst for your life.
00:00:15
Speaker
How do I know that? Well, because it's something that I have struggled with throughout my life, starting as a child, and we'll get into that in the episode. So I've had to learn how to flip it and learn how to become detached from it.
00:00:32
Speaker
And to be honest, I've gotten close to taking it all the way to the end a few times in my life. And so today's episode is a personal one. And hopefully you guys will be able to extract some good from the life lessons that I've had to learn when it comes to suicide and be able to either in your own life or in someone that you love, flip it and use it as fuel and momentum in the direction that you desire to go.
00:01:03
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping,
00:01:33
Speaker
Today's episode, it's not trying to change or throw away or dismiss the very real grief and pain that suicide creates for those that are left behind. I personally know of people that have lost loved ones to suicide and I am in no way, shape or form trying to diminish the very real pain that we have to walk through and walk out when someone chooses that route. It's really to help dispel the stigma that still to this day is surrounding suicide as well as if you're somebody like me that has struggled with suicide in the past is to give you hope and maybe ah a new perspective, a new way to see the whole topic around suicide and suicidal ideation and the thoughts that you can in very easily get locked into
00:02:32
Speaker
and flip it on its head to to look at it in a way that moves you forward instead of making you feel trapped.
Men, Vulnerability, and Isolation
00:02:45
Speaker
I know from my own personal experience that men are generally speaking not as good at building and then maintaining intimate relationships with other men.
00:02:56
Speaker
Why does that play a factor? Well, because we have to keep that we've got it all together shell on the outside when really internally we can be struggling, we can be wrestling with things. And ultimately that disconnect of, of not being seen and heard and loved from other men creates that isolation and that need to hide your insecurities, your fears, your shortcomings.
00:03:26
Speaker
you know to bury that quote-unquote weakness really creates the breeding ground for you to get to a place where you feel trapped, you feel overwhelmed, and it requires you to let down your guard. I know for me, one of the hardest things that I did and have done in the past is reached out and asked for help when i was at some of my lowest points when i was thinking about suicide to actually reach out to someone and be brutally honest with the fact that i'm struggling with this because as men we're we're afraid if we let down our guard
00:04:15
Speaker
and let other men see us for who we are and our weakness, our fears, our insecurities, then we're not gonna be accepted, we're not gonna be loved, we're gonna be rejected. And so if you're already in this place of isolation or loneliness or feeling overwhelmed, you don't wanna quote unquote lose those friends, but really what you're gonna find is if you have the courage and the strength to push through that ego, that pride, that fear,
00:04:45
Speaker
and reach out, what you're going to find is men want to support, want to link arms with other men, especially in those low times. And we're going to get into some of my own personal experiences that maybe you can extract some things from. But, you know, for a lot of us, we we didn't have healthy masculinity modeled to us as children.
00:05:09
Speaker
You know, like for me, my my dad, we never talked about sex money or emotions or anything. And so as an adult, as a man, then it feels awkward. It feels uncomfortable. It feels weird to to open up that side of me for other men to see, but What I have learned is that when I don't do that, when I try to have it all together, when I'm known as X, Y, or Z, but really I'm struggling inside, that disconnect from my authentic self to the perceived self that I'm presenting to people is one of the many ingredients that's gotten me to a place where I feel so overwhelmed, I feel so deep in a shame spiral that
00:05:57
Speaker
In those moments, those thoughts of suicide come in and begin to marinate and percolate and all of a sudden that feels like an attractive out.
Societal Pressures on Young Men
00:06:13
Speaker
And this needs to be talked about more because, I mean, just to give you some stats, there's almost 50,000 suicides in the US each year. Put that in perspective, there's about 40, 45,000 vehicle accidents. So there's there's more people committing suicide in the United States than there are people dying in car accidents. That's, it's almost 135 suicides per day.
00:06:37
Speaker
And that means that five people are committing suicide every hour of every day. Not only that, I mean, you can blame politics or social media or whatever, but really it's it's the isolation. It's this need to present something that we're not. And then in those times of struggle, be afraid to reach out and connect that for men from the ages of 20 to 34, suicide, it is the second leading cause of death currently.
00:07:09
Speaker
I mean, we make up what roughly, give or take, 50% of the population, but we represent nearly 80% of the suicides. And so that's why I wanted to do this podcast is just to continue that conversation of the importance of first being brutally honest with yourself as to where you're at, and then second, ways to learn how to navigate this in a way that It's actually not a bad thing. I mean, don't get me wrong. As someone who's been there, it feels like your life is at an ultimate low. Your life is falling apart. You feel overwhelmed. And so escaping that feels like the option that's available.
00:07:57
Speaker
and And yet, if you learn how to flip the perspective on that, you learn how to change the way you look at it, you can actually use it to move you out of where you're at and and the way that it's gotten you to where you are, but it requires some simple, simple
Personal Journey Through Overwhelm
00:08:17
Speaker
actions. And I i know, again, speaking from, as someone that has struggled with this throughout my life,
00:08:24
Speaker
What I'm saying right now, if you're in this place where you're feeling what I'm talking about, that can almost feel overwhelming in and of itself. But I challenge you to have the courage to reach out to at least one person and be brutally honest. I mean, for me,
00:08:42
Speaker
My history with suicidal ideation, it goes all the way back to when I was 15 or 16, somewhere around there. My parents were at a good place in their marriage. I felt insecure. I was getting bullied at school. I had just gotten my license and so I was driving my car around and I vividly remember laying in bed.
00:09:04
Speaker
and I would have this fantasy replay in my head. I would ah fantasize about this where I'd get into a high speed chase in in my car.
00:09:15
Speaker
and make sure and that there were helicopters above, that I was on the news, and then I'd rip open the door, take off my seat, go in 150 miles an hour, and jump out or aim for a semi-truck head on. And what happened was that I learned by exploring the reality of this, that that became my escape hatch. Really what I wanted was I wanted someone to see my pain. I wanted to to feel validated in what I was going through and I felt emotionally overwhelmed with the environment that I was in and with what everything was going on, my my hormones, my life, again getting bullied.
00:10:02
Speaker
So what did I learn? I learned that suicide was kind of that ultimate escape hatch. It was the go-to when I felt overwhelmed and I didn't realize it obviously when I was 16.
00:10:16
Speaker
And so I never really appropriately addressed it or looked at it. I just moved on or I got over it. Well, fast forward later on in life. And this was probably, what was it? Six years ago, I was going through a really painful divorce. Now, obviously all divorces are painful in their own right. For me personally,
00:10:40
Speaker
My marriage with my first wife was very interwoven with my God and my identity. We met in Africa doing missions work and we had all of these really cool supernatural, you know, she'd say, God, give him a dream or a vision that has these details. And the next day I would come to her just as a friend and say, hey, this is going to sound crazy, but I just had this dream last night.
00:11:09
Speaker
We had all these kinds of really cool spiritual interactions that kind of brought us together. So, when the end of my marriage was coming and my marriage was dying and falling apart, it also meant, so my marriage was falling apart, my God was falling apart, my community, which was deeply interwoven with my spirituality, I was very involved in church,
00:11:35
Speaker
that was falling apart and so i I felt overwhelmed. I felt scared. I was for better or for worse and this is part of the worst and we're going to get through this and then when that was no longer a reality, what did I do? I looked for that escape hatch.
00:11:56
Speaker
I had literally shortly after the divorce, I found myself with a gun to my head, thinking that that was the best route to go because I didn't see a way out. I felt so trapped by the pain that I was experiencing. I felt so overwhelmed and scared by most of the things that I had wrapped my identity around falling apart.
00:12:24
Speaker
that I didn't know who I was. I didn't know who my God was. i There was more that I didn't know than I did know. And that felt so scary that I reached for that old escape hatch and fortunately didn't pull the trigger, but very easily could have ended everything at that time. I couldn't see a way forward.
00:12:46
Speaker
I couldn't see that life had the ability to to rebuild and live. Now, fortunately, obviously, I didn't pull the trigger. And it was right around that time that I had a friend who introduced me to psychedelics. And so I began to explore in psychedelics and microdose psilocybin, sat with ayahuasca, and began to really rebuild my life one, sometimes one moment at a time.
00:13:19
Speaker
But I also reached out to a few friends. I had one friend who now lives in Australia that he literally, literally dropped everything and was like, I'll be there in 10 minutes. And we went out to a bar and he just sat with me and connected with me. And I had created, now obviously my life circumstances had created a lot of pain, et cetera, but I had also withdrawn and isolated And then in that isolation, felt overwhelmed and lost. And I genuinely felt like ending my life was the best thing for my children because they would get my life insurance policy. I had fantasized about all of this because that was the go-to escape hatch that I learned all the way back when I was 16.
Recurring Thoughts and Prevention
00:14:11
Speaker
But just because I had rebuilt my life, that that pathway,
00:14:18
Speaker
still exists, right? Neurologically, I had a neuro tag put in place when I was around 16. I said, when I feel overwhelmed to the degree that I can't take it anymore, then suicide is the way out of that. Now, why am I telling you all of this? Because in full transparency, I remarried, I love my wife, we are working on building a life together, but Just a few months ago, I had the thoughts of suicide creep back in. At the time, my wife and I, we were having a hard time connecting. We were just missing each other. And we were going through, i think like so many people these days, going through different financial challenges.
00:15:07
Speaker
My business partner and I, we weren't seeing eye to eye on several things. I had, in response to those things, slipped back into that place of isolation where I may connect with some guys on poker night and not fully share the reality of where I was at, that I had it all together and I would be honest but not transparent in the reality of where I was at. So even though I was around men, I didn't, I chose to not open up.
00:15:40
Speaker
and I had slipped back into a funk for a variety of reasons, the whole toilet bowl syndrome, where then I wasn't physically as active, and then I wasn't eating as well, and then I was isolating, and then here I was just a few months ago looking at, you know what, if I just end it all because I'm feeling overwhelmed, then that's the escape hatch that just temporarily when I was 16,
00:16:10
Speaker
worked for me. Now again, why am I telling you all of this? It's one just to have the conversation around this and I would love to hear from you guys, either in your comments or in you can email me. But I'm telling you this because for the first time a few months ago, for the first time in my life, I had a different response to those suicidal thoughts.
00:16:38
Speaker
The first thing was I saw it for what it was. I saw, I realized, oh, i i'm I'm literally sitting here right now, in this moment, not right now, but a few months ago, I'm sitting here desiring, ending my life. Now, why am I feeling that way? Oh, I want to escape. I want to escape because of everything that I just listed off to you guys.
00:17:08
Speaker
And so I caught it. I caught it earlier. And I think this is one big distinction that is where that title of the thought of suicide cannot be a bad thing is that if you can catch it early, it's you don't wake up one day having a bad day and then you run to the closet, grab the gun and pull the trigger.
00:17:30
Speaker
almost everyone that I know that is either struggle with suicide or people that have followed through with it, the loved ones have talked to me about the fact that it was something that they had been struggling with for a period of time. And it's really those ruminating thoughts. It's the the the fantasy of wanting to escape. And so when you catch it early, I was able to ask myself a really a couple simple questions.
00:17:58
Speaker
One, well what's going on in my life right now that's caused me to have this thought? And and to be honest, i it wasn't it was more than just a thought. It was a thought that had a feeling attached to it. Now scale out of one out of 10, one means it's a thought and 10 means I pull the trigger. It was maybe a three or a four. So it wasn't a really intense, but it had that desire.
00:18:24
Speaker
So what's going on that caused me to feel this? And so I took inventory and listed out for myself the things I just listed out for you. And then I followed that with who do I need to reach out to and honestly share where I'm at. And then followed that question with what can I do practically?
00:18:48
Speaker
to change from really a ah victim mindset. All of these things are happening to me to the point where I need to escape. And flipping that to, what can I do practically to flip it to a powerful mindset and be proactive instead of reactive to my circumstances? So the very first thing, I text a friend. And this may sound silly or even in the moment, it felt embarrassing.
00:19:17
Speaker
But I text a friend and said, Hey man, I just wanted to let you know that I have been struggling lately, that I have actually had thoughts of suicide and I want to ask you a favor. Would you mind holding onto my guns for the next few months or until we connect and I can share that, you know, that I'm at a more grounded and better place?
00:19:43
Speaker
And he was that same friend. He came over half an hour later and we sat on the back porch and we just talked. And very practically speaking, he took my guns. Cause in that moment, I wasn't necessarily thinking about ending my life, but it's the moments that I'm all alone, that I'm struggling when those are available. Just very practically speaking, what can you do and what do you need to do to set yourself up for success?
00:20:12
Speaker
And if you have something like guns in the house or something else that you can use to harm yourself, be honest with somebody that is willing to help you get them out of the house temporarily so that in those moments that as you're navigating out of this,
00:20:32
Speaker
You don't have that weak moment that actually ends at all. And then, later that evening, I shared with my wife the reality of where I'm at. It's like, hey babe, i I'm struggling. I'm having a hard time right now. And actually this afternoon, I had some suicidal ideation.
00:20:53
Speaker
And then I shared with a few close guy friends, just two or three, right? This isn't something that you need to necessarily broadcast on social media or anything, but shared with a few close friends and invited them into where I was at. Not for them to become responsible for my journey and my process out of where I was,
00:21:18
Speaker
But for me to have connection so that I don't feel alone, so that then when those thoughts come back or if they come back, I can be honest and reach out to them and just say, hey, right now, i need to I need to pull on you. I need to lean on you a little bit more than I have been. And as a former Marine and someone who is proud, like asking for help and letting those around you that love you come around you and support you,
00:21:47
Speaker
Quite honestly, that is some of the hardest things that I had to do was swallow my pride, understand that, okay, I caught the escape hatch, I caught the feeling early, but now I need to proactively flip it and not ruminate on the negative side of things, but use it as, wow, okay, this is an opportunity for me to take inventory of my life. How did I get here again? How did I get to the place where that thought of suicide feels even remotely like an option for me to get out of how I'm feeling?
Creating a Life Inventory and Plan
00:22:30
Speaker
And so when you can catch the thought of suicide early and flip it, using it as an opportunity for you to take a brutally honest inventory of your life and where it's at, it can not be a bad thing. It's a super negative thing to feel an experience, but it can actually be used as a good thing that helps propel you out of where you're at. Now, super practically,
00:23:01
Speaker
Then I had to take a hard look at where I was at in life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and really begin to see where I needed to take ownership. of how I had let myself get to this place, realizing I bought land. We've got six and a half acres. I love our land. It's a dream come true in a lot of ways, but I have isolated. I've withdrawn from community compared to when I was closer to things. It's just easier to be isolated and alone. I had not been exercising. I had not been in community. you know So taking inventory,
00:23:40
Speaker
brutally honest inventory and see where I need to lean into the things that I know that I need for me to be at a better mental place and then put together a game plan. What's the saying that not having a plan as a plan to fail, something like that?
00:24:04
Speaker
And so I did super practical things like reconnected with community more often. And I attended a two weekend event called The Bridge. It's hosted by Preston Smiles and Alexi Penos. And then followed up and got connected into that community and really used that low point, used that thought, that feeling of I need to grab that escape hatch used it as fuel. Now, in all honesty, I am still working on connecting with community. I default to a lone wolf. I kind of i want to play safe. I want to play small. I don't want that ultimately, but when I'm not at a good headspace, it's easier to default to the comfort
00:24:55
Speaker
of the isolation than to lean into the discomfort of connection. But the discomfort of connection is a thing that will actually lead me to healing and ultimately the life that I want, where the isolation and disconnection will ultimately, for me, lead me to a place where I feel like checking out of this life is a viable option.
00:25:22
Speaker
Now logically, I know that's not true. I've got five kids. I've got a beautiful wife. I've got an amazing life. I've got great friends. I can logically know that, but emotionally in that moment, in those moments, when I'm not doing the things that I know that I need to be doing, then it looks like an option. So it takes time.
00:25:44
Speaker
And that's one thing I would encourage you with is you need to give yourself grace. if If you are at a place where you're having thoughts of suicide, giving yourself grace, which sounds so broad and cliche, but it is really being okay with the fact that you've let yourself get to this place. Okay, that that has happened. Now what are you gonna do about it?
00:26:10
Speaker
I guarantee you, you have loved ones that will circle the wagons and help you if you're willing to have the courage to push through the fear and the discomfort and the shame to reach out for help. But it takes more than just reaching out for help. You can get involved with different community groups. um there's There's all kinds of things that are available.
00:26:36
Speaker
but it requires you to take action, even if it's the smallest action in the right direction and beginning to do that will pivot you out of where you are and move you into the direction that you want to
Steps to Rebuild and Seek Support
00:26:53
Speaker
ultimately go. So I just want to encourage anybody who's struggling right now, it is possible to overcome that internal voice and rebuild a life.
00:27:05
Speaker
if you're willing to catch that thought when it's still young and early and you don't marinate on it, but then follow that thought with a brutal honest inventory of where you're at, along with reaching out to those that you love,
00:27:26
Speaker
and inviting them into your struggle because you may not be able to carry all of the weight on your own. And sometimes you need people around you to help carry that burden. And that's okay. That is not weakness. That is actual strength and courage to push past your ego, to push past the fear and invite people into your weakness and your challenges.
00:27:54
Speaker
and to begin to rebuild your life and then follow that inventory with a game plan. What do you need for you to be at a better place? And lastly, it requires you to take action. Without action, nothing will change.
00:28:13
Speaker
And lastly, I just want to wrap this up by saying if you have loved ones who have either struggled with it in the past or people that maybe you haven't reached out to in a while, just reach out. We're all going through our own challenges, our own hard times. We're all messed up in our own right, in our own way, but we need each other. We need connection.
00:28:40
Speaker
And sometimes if you're at this place where you're thinking about suicide, reaching out feels almost impossible, but having people reach out to you is is the beginning of that turning point. And it's not calling your friend and saying, hey, have you thought about suicide lately?
00:29:01
Speaker
Although ah in all honesty, when I was going through my divorce, one of my friends did say, Hey, do you need me to hold your guns for a little bit? Just because he knew that I was in a hard place. He didn't know I was struggling with suicide or suicidal ideation, but he was willing to put himself out there. And he was that same friend that later, because he offered that, I reached out to him and said, you know what? Now I actually need you to hold my guns for a bit.
00:29:33
Speaker
So be a good friend, be a good spouse, be a good family member and be willing to put yourself out there. If you're at a good place, that's awesome. That's great. Let that strength of where you're at help those that may be at a harder place. And if you're at that hard place, let that thought again, if you are having that thought of suicide, I promise you,
00:30:01
Speaker
wherever you are right now, it is not your new norm. That was one of the biggest things, especially after my divorce, where when I felt so overwhelmed, I just, is this my new normal? Where I wake up, I'm grieving the divorce, I feel lost spiritually, I don't have community. I i can't continue on like this because like ah this just feels like what my new normal is. I promise you,
00:30:28
Speaker
wherever you're at, this is not your new normal, but it does require you to push through your ego, your fear, your insecurities, your weaknesses, and be willing to let some other people Be invited into the reality of where you're at and your life can look better. You can rebuild your life. If everything's falling apart, you can build the life that you desire. This is not the end.
00:31:03
Speaker
And I'm not just saying that as a rah rah speech. I'm saying that as someone who for the last 25 years has struggled in different times and different ways with the thoughts of suicide.
00:31:19
Speaker
And I know in those moments, it feels like there's not a way forward, but the way forward is catching it soon, taking an honest inventory, letting those that love you be in your process with you, and then putting together a game plan for rebuilding your life.