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The Unhealthy Traps of a New Marriage | Ep. #66
53 Plays3 months ago
Marriage is a beautiful thing. It offers the gift of moving you into the healthiest version of you, but it has the potential to derail you if you’re unwilling (or unable) to take a hard look in the mirror.
Today, we dive into my personal journey regarding the unhealthy aspects of how my marriage caused me to slowly withdraw from life… with the hopes you’ll be able to catch certain cycles in your own relationship and disrupt them before they create a destructive momentum that’s hard to come back from.
In this episode you'll learn:
- The “Island effect” most marriages go through in their first few years.
- How to identify and disrupt codependent tendencies.
- Why it’s important to catch the “little things”, and take action on them ASAP.
- What you need to do to consistently move your marriage in the direction you ultimately desire.
- Why I haven’t posted a new episode in six months.
Links
Host: Josh Cearbaugh
Website: https://joshcearbaugh.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jcearbaugh/
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joshcearbaugh/
Podcast: https://www.multifacetedmasculinity.com/
Online Course: https://www.jumpstartyourlife.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Hiatus Reflection
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello friends, it has been quite some time since we last talked. Today's episode, I am actually going to get into some of the details as to why I have not released a podcast episode for the last six months, kind of what's been going on in my world that's caused me to do that. And hopefully it will illuminate some things that maybe you can take a look at in areas that you might be holding back on or shying away from instead of leaning into. so
00:00:31
Speaker
Without further ado, let's dive right into why I've been gone for six months. Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have death. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
Exploration of Masculinity and Personal Growth
00:01:07
Speaker
Well, it has been a little over six months since we last spoke. If you are a podcast listener of mine, my last episode went live in December of 2023 and a lot has happened in six months, I have to say. It's interesting. I often am guilty of over anticipating what I'm able to accomplish in a year and under anticipating what I'm able to accomplish in, let's say three years or five years. And a great example of that is actually in my health, my physical health. Um, I have a digital scale that I use that measures, you know, BMI, body fat, that kind of stuff.
00:01:55
Speaker
And I bought it January 1st of 2021. And just, I don't use it often. I don't use weight as the measurement scale of you know whether or not that makes me feel good about myself, et cetera. But it's it's just a good kind of pulse on how I'm feeling.
Marriage, Codependency, and Identity
00:02:15
Speaker
and stepped on the scale this morning I am down 30.2 pounds from that first initial weigh-in so a lot can happen there and we can maybe get into the weeds of that this is honestly
00:02:33
Speaker
ah This episode is more so of me getting back on the saddle when it comes to recording episodes and realizing, at least for me, I have fallen prey to getting married and being really excited about that marriage and and having big dreams and anticipations and in that honeymoon phase, But in that, I have been guilty of going back to some of my unhealthy codependent tendencies.
00:03:10
Speaker
And the byproduct of doing that is that I begin to slowly be quieter. I begin to slowly withdraw from first and foremost myself, but then also my wife because I'm not being fully present with myself or with her placating to certain things. I'm trying you know as best I can to find the wiggle room, afraid to step on landmines, whatever it may be. And I think most marriages, ah you can come into it and with a really good expectation of of what it's going to look like, but most marriages I think go through a bit of an evolution when you first get married that in a sense you're kind of on this island relationally.
00:03:56
Speaker
where two different boats have showed up to the opposite side of the island and you meet in the middle and you have to establish what life is going to look like on that island. And for me, uh, what that has looked like is slowly beginning to lose myself in a sense. Now, not in a really dark you know way or anything like that, but just for the sake of the relationship, for the sake of the marriage, I chose certain things that began to
00:04:34
Speaker
slowly but surely suffocate my higher self. And this is at no fault of Kristen, my wife. um I love her. We are still working on our relationship. We have good aspects about our relationship. We have challenging aspects about our relationship. But really, it's I'm talking about what's been happening internally for me, which then, you know, let's use that most intimate relationship, which is often nothing more than a mirror that holds up the truth of you to yourself. And sometimes
Struggles with Motivation and Imposter Syndrome
00:05:10
Speaker
I don't know about you, but sometimes I don't like to see what's in that mirror.
00:05:14
Speaker
And so I don't look at the mirror and I avoid the mirror and I try to stay busy and I do all these things to. Not really take radical extreme ownership of the reality of my my shortcomings, my trauma, my pain, my disappointments, you know, all of that has been present. But for me. What that's looked like is slowly getting so choosing to get smaller and smaller, not even for the sake of the relationship, but the unhealthy codependent aspects of that. You could say, sure. What that looks like though, practically speaking, is I begin to not do certain things that I know are good for me. And this podcast is one of those things that's good for me.
00:06:02
Speaker
I've often said that selfishly, and I love hearing back from you guys, and I and i do. I love hearing feedback, questions, updates, all of that. and And really what it is more than anything is that feedback loop. encourages me to continue to keep going to putting out this content to sharing these ideas to having guests on and over time what I've done with my podcast is I got really excited kind of like my marriage right got got into it got back on the saddle got really excited about it
00:06:36
Speaker
and then started to walk it out and over time began to have less interest in it began to quote unquote be too busy to record an episode or put out an episode or get a guest and Ultimately hit a tipping point this whole downward spiral the toilet bowl syndrome of Not taking care of myself not doing the things that I know that I need to do to have me in a good mental physical and emotional state and then the byproduct of that is
00:07:11
Speaker
my external world begins to shrink and then down we go. It's not a fun roller coaster ride, and but down we go to the point where then I am not feeling that great about myself. And then I am projecting that into my life and the actions that I take or the actions that I don't take. are a reflection of how I'm seeing myself and how I'm engaging with that relationship internally. And then that trickles into what I choose to do or not do. And I don't know if any of you can relate to any of this. I believe that many can, but really what it boils down to then is when I'm in that downward spiral,
00:07:58
Speaker
It looks like ultimately then me not feeling good about myself or not good about aspects of our relationship or whatever it may be. And then good old Mr. Impostor Syndrome comes trotting in the door and says, hey, why don't we sit down and have dinner and then I'm just gonna stay in your house. I'm gonna stay in that mental space, that emotional space. And I don't know if it's because of the time in the Marine Corps where there was extreme scrutiny and expectations, which I think there are good things to have good high standards, but then there's also that self-criticism that I'm very guilty of.
00:08:39
Speaker
but I get into that place where I'm not feeling that great or I'm having challenges in my marriage or in my friendships or my partnership or whatever it may be. And then that voice comes in and goes, how can you, Josh, have a podcast on masculinity? Like who are you to help people better understand masculinity when you're not even being a man in this way or that you're not being a safe place for your wife emotionally, or you're not providing enough money, or you're not connecting with your kids and not like,
00:09:17
Speaker
all these thoughts begin to just come in and erode and eat away at my higher self, my the the version of me that I know is locked in there. But then when that imposter syndrome voice starts to just hammer away and I'm um guilty, I'm telling you that I'm guilty of getting locked into that voice and low and behold six months has gone by and I have not put out an episode and and so it's actually for me this is kind of an act of bravery of me one being honest and vulnerable with you guys as far as where I'm at and with the reality of what's been going on not this polished version of I have all the answers
00:10:07
Speaker
But also even more than that, because I feel like I've been okay at being vulnerable and being honest with people and what you see is what you get. And, you know, I've said probably really post divorce, my, my give a shit or broke, right? Like in the sense of how I feel about now, obviously I care about feedback from those that are close to me, but in general, I'm not placating to societal norms or to social media expectations, whatever. I'm just living my life. um
00:10:39
Speaker
But not presenting this polished version and being honest with this rabbit hole that I went down for the last six months um and literally hitting the record. I sat down to hit record and my palms were a bit sweaty and I normally like to outline notes and really kind of have a theme and things that I'm leaning into or trying to pull or extract out of a guest, whatever it may be. Not this episode. This episode I felt was more important than anything to hit record and start talking. To kind of let that voice that lies, that's been lying dormant for the last six months speak again.
00:11:22
Speaker
And even if nobody hears this, it's important for me to to do that because me speaking and teaching and being honest, like all of that is interwoven with my highest self. And as silly as it may sounds, not recording a podcast, that lack of action there directly ripples into lack of action in my marriage or lack of action in my other business or lack of action in my coaching All of that is interwoven. and I'm not saying that this podcast is is my God, where if I am doing my podcast and everything else falls into place. But I have slowly gotten myself into a rut now, not nearly as dark and low of a point that I had been. Like I said, I just I've lost 30 pounds in the last three years, so but
00:12:19
Speaker
realizing I have not been taking care of me.
Establishing New Habits and Personal Development
00:12:22
Speaker
And in not taking care of me, I have not been producing the the life that I want, the intimacy that I desire with my wife, the connection that I desire with my children, the success that I desire with my business partner, the the actions or inactions within my coaching. you know All of that is slowly rippled into where I found myself. And it was really,
00:12:50
Speaker
It's probably about a month and a half ago. Uh, we went on a road trip for a family reunion and when I got back, I said to my wife, I need to go for a walk first thing in the morning and it's a non-negotiable for me. And a great example of how my codependency tied into the action or inaction that put me into an unhealthy place is My wife likes to go for walks, but two things. One, she doesn't like to go for walks in the morning. She doesn't like to go for walks first thing in the morning. She's a big proponent of having the slower paced morning and the sense of having her coffee and having a good breakfast and taking care of our chickens and and just kind of getting the day started in that way. She likes to go for walks in the evening.
00:13:43
Speaker
nothing Nothing wrong with that. But then, not only that, but she also walks much slower than I do. Just a slower pace, not at either right or wrong, just a slower pace. And so how did I respond to that? And I was like, oh man, well, I really want to go on walks with you because when we would go on walks together, it was great. We'd be out. Our bodies would be moving. We'd be talking about things and really enjoyed our our walks together. But then when she said she doesn't want to do morning walks and I didn't really want to do the evening walks. And I did sometimes, but I wrote that off as like, shoot, man, now I can't go for walks because walks are a thing that we do together. And and I kind of did this codependent all or nothing into
00:14:31
Speaker
an unfair expectation in her that she would be like me in the sense of what what's good for me and then also a unrealistic negative response letting my inner victim go oh look now you can't go for walks i mean this sounds incredibly silly in hindsight, me sharing this with you guys, but i'm I'm hoping that you can kind of see how these little subtle things can start to weave into your day to day or your internal dialogue and build a case that creates action or inaction to put you in a place that you really don't want to be.
00:15:12
Speaker
So about a month and a half ago, after our road trip, I don't know if it was because of where I was at emotionally or the fact that I'd been sitting in the car for two days, but I said, I got to go for walks. And it's a, it's a non-negotiable for me. First thing in the morning, wake up, get a drink, and I go out the door. And that was really the beginning of the turning point for me, kind of getting back on the saddle per se. where And then i I went ahead and after a couple of weeks, I was starting to feel better. What a shocker, right? But this is just one of many areas of my life that I'm working on and I'm trying to integrate and lean into and improve. But then I ordered a weighted vest.
00:15:56
Speaker
And I now walk, I call them my reminder walks. it's The vest is actually 32 pounds. I lost 30 pounds. But just to remind me of, this used to be my norm. This used to be what I would carry around on my day to day. And so I do that three times a week now. And occasionally, I'll miss a day. Like there's nothing wrong with missing a day. My brother gave me great advice based on a book called Atomic Habits, which is don't let two days stack up.
00:16:28
Speaker
and if you If you got one day and either you didn't sleep well or you i'd have to get the kids out the door or whatever it may be, okay, that's fine. But don't let the two days stack up because then you're beginning to build that habit in the wrong direction. And so here I am pressing that record button button, putting out an episode and Hopefully but my my mess, my process, my my bad habits can shed the light on maybe some areas that you can look at in your life and go, huh, am I doing that in some way? Where am I not taking care of me? Where am I not doing the things? Cause if you're realistically, if you're in your thirties, forties, fifties, sixties,
00:17:23
Speaker
For the most part, you know you could be completely not self-aware and oblivious to life, and there are people like that. But if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably listening to others in the sense of personal development or spirituality, whatever it may be. and More than likely, you know things that are gonna help you or not or things that are gonna move you in the direction that is gonna be in line with that strongest version of you or not. And so I would encourage you to just pause and take some time to really reflect and think about where in my life
00:18:08
Speaker
Have I let little things go that move me in the wrong direction? Cause just
Commitment to Podcasting and Self-Awareness
00:18:15
Speaker
like a golf ball, right? 10 yards away from where it's hit. It's not really that far off, but if it's two, three, four, five degrees off by the time it travels to 300 yards, it's in a very different place than you desire it to. And our,
00:18:37
Speaker
Insecurities are fears are trauma are bad habits. All of those are contributing factors to moving that golf ball a few degrees each day. So you have to ask yourself, are you moving that golf ball or that, that degree in the right direction or in the wrong direction?
00:18:59
Speaker
And I'm, I'll be the first to say, I don't have it all together. I don't have it all figured out. I'm a work in progress. My marriage is a work in progress. But I wanted to jump back on here just really quickly. Let you know I'm getting back on the saddle with the podcast as well as several other things that are going on and kind of behind the scenes that I'll be sharing about in the near future. But I had gotten to a point where I kind of slowly became smaller. Didn't even realize it. Obviously it's not what I desire. It's not what I want. Didn't even realize it was happening.
00:19:37
Speaker
But after getting married and buying a house and moving in and then beginning that blending process and then you know things started to come up, the way that I chose to respond to them um or not respond and be silent led me to a place where My internal paradigm was that my solution to fix, placate, repair, control, manage was to be small, was to shrink back.
00:20:15
Speaker
And in that created a handful of bad habits that I'm working on reversing right now. I'm currently in the middle. Again, me recording this episode is one of those little things of me reversing where I found myself over the last Six months maybe even more than that right but especially the last six months when i decided internally alright well i am in not the most ideal place internally so who am i to share podcast episodes with people.
00:20:55
Speaker
and choosing to turn off my voice in this episode or in this podcast, I just turn it off in a lot of areas. And I'm done doing that. I'm not gonna do it perfect. I am probably going to have days where I wanna record an episode and then I talk myself out of it. I'm not setting that expectation or that desire. It's not what I want, but I am human. and so I'm pushing up against these internal paradigms that told me I'd be safer if I was smaller and then also super practically some bad habits that I created in the sense of not managing my calendar as well as I should or could and you know so I'm having to reverse those things which takes time it takes a process
00:21:45
Speaker
um But I'm committing to you guys and to myself by doing this that the podcast episode or the podcast will have episodes coming out because um again, this podcast from the day that I launched it has been a borderline selfish project. I have a desire and a passion to help others and to help men better understand themselves and for women to better understand men. All of that is 100% true. But this podcast is really important for me too. And so I'm going to be leaning into that more. That's my commitment to myself and to you as I'm sharing this here.
00:22:29
Speaker
and I look forward to the episodes that are going to be coming in the future, um both either by myself as well as with guests that I want to start to get on. On that note, if you're someone that feels that you may want to contribute to the conversation, of masculinity and what that looks like, what is healthy, what is unhealthy, all the different dynamics. Obviously, the podcast itself, multifaceted masculinity. If you if you feel that you have something to contribute in that realm, I want to hear from you.
00:23:02
Speaker
and Um, you can either leave a review to any, wherever you may be listening or subscribing to this podcast, or you can just send an email to Josh at seerba consulting dot.com and let's connect. Let's see if there is a conversation to be had there and then possibly have you on. So I look forward to having conversations with some of you maybe, and if not, hopefully my my mess, my journey into a less healthy, smaller version of me and some of the snippets and tidbits of what I'm doing to pull out of that, you can glean from and really apply or pause and take a look inward
00:23:54
Speaker
And just just check in and see if maybe that's somewhat of what's going on in your world. Because the last thing that this world and this world needs is for you to play safe, for you to play it small, and for you to placate to that smaller version of you. Be a badass. Be big. Be seen. It doesn't mean you have to build a platform or anything like that. just being fully you and showing up fully present everyone wins around you and you also win because that relationship with yourself is connected to that strongest highest version of you