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I’m Back! Lessons Learned from Going ”Offline” for Seven Months | Ep# 54
57 Plays1 year ago
I’m baaaack! (picture Jack Nicholson in The Shinning)... ok, maybe not in that creepy kinda way, but I am back and fired up for what we’re going to be coving this year on the podcast! A lot can happen in seven months for any of us, and that rings true for me. 2022 was a year I’ll look back on and remember for a variety of reasons.
Today we’ll dive into what some of those reasons are, some key takeaways I’ve learned, and maybe a challenge or two for you to integrate into your year.
In this episode you'll learn:
- How to navigate unexpected life changes.
- Why you should "go offline" for an extended period of time.
- The importance of anchoring in your “go to’s” so you don’t lose yourself.
- Why “New Year, new you” is bullshit and why you should shift your perspective.
- Some fun announcements of things to come!
Host: Josh Cearbaugh
https://www.instagram.com/joshcearbaugh/
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Personal Updates
00:00:01
Speaker
It has been quite some time, my friends. I promise I didn't die, but a lot did happen while I've been gone. If you've been following me for any time, I have gone radio silent for probably the last seven months. And there's a couple of good reasons for it. We're going to dive into some of those today as well as some takeaways. And lastly, some exciting announcements for what we have coming for 2023.
Exploring Masculinity Beyond Stereotypes
00:00:29
Speaker
Men, we are not simple, chest-thumping, rock-smashing, fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared, yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together.
Going Offline for Personal Growth
00:00:59
Speaker
All right, well, like I said in the intro, it has been quite a while since you have heard my voice. I would apologize, but as I've heard before, it's important every now and then to really put your head down, get off of social media, which I have for the most part. I still am guilty of an occasional browse, but in the sense of putting out content and really kind of building my personal brand and the things around it,
00:01:26
Speaker
I've gone radio silent for really the last seven months now, maybe even a little bit more than that. And there's been a lot of good reasons for it. Been doing a lot of things behind the scenes, but I also think it's important every now and then to kind of go offline to put your head down and do the work and really spend time
00:01:48
Speaker
building something for yourself and that building something doesn't have to be a personal brand or a business or anything like that. It could just be building the family that you want or the relationships that you want, the community that you want, getting offline, getting in person, getting in person with other people as well as taking time to be with yourself.
Managing Life Changes and Building Community
00:02:10
Speaker
I think it's really important to do.
00:02:13
Speaker
But that said, I did want to lay out a couple things or just give you a little bit of a brief update as to some of the things that have transpired for me over the last six months. I've had some pretty big life changes and I'll tell you right up front, I have not managed them all well. There have been times when I have been
00:02:33
Speaker
overwhelmed or feel like I'm drowning, but I had the tools and I do have the community to be able to reach out to so that I don't become isolated or alone in that. Because for me, isolation and loneliness is the breeding ground for really dark places in my heart and in my mind. It's not that I can't be by myself. I actually can, and I've learned how to be okay with being by myself more and more as time goes on.
00:03:03
Speaker
but more so just isolation in general. We are not hardwired to do life by ourselves. And so it's something that I have to be consciously aware of that if I'm alone for too long, it is not good for me. I am an extrovert. I love people. I'm a verbal processor. I need to actually communicate, hear things coming out of my face hole in order to get to certain realizations.
00:03:30
Speaker
And when I'm by myself and I'm in my head, it doesn't always land or lead to the best places. And in the past, we've talked about it. I've struggled with suicide in the past and depression in the past. And so it's not that I went to those dark places, but it is things that I have to be aware of and be conscious about being proactive to kind of stay ahead.
00:03:49
Speaker
But that's not what happened
Marriage, Land, and Future Plans
00:03:51
Speaker
this time. But this time with me going off the offline for a while, it started with I met a beautiful woman who has now become my life partner, my queen, my wife. And we actually did a podcast episode, if you haven't listened to it, of our first hero's journey together with psychedelics, where we shared some
00:04:13
Speaker
interesting takeaways and some juicy takeaways, psychedelics on sex and a couple other things. And so if you haven't listened to that, I would encourage you to go ahead and go back and listen to that one. But we ended up getting married, but before we got married, our dream or our desire, our plan was we wanted to buy land. It's both of something that both of us really desired to do and really establish ourselves with a little chunk of our own land.
00:04:42
Speaker
And not only that, but also to get married on that land and to kind of have that as a kickoff for the community that we have built individually to come together to obviously celebrate us but then also see the land that we have purchased and begin the works of developing so
00:04:59
Speaker
We got six and a half acres and just about 45 minutes south of Austin in that area and We're really excited about some of the things that are we're working on there But I'll tell you I on a regular basis oscillate between This is an absolute dream come true. I have long to have my own land I've purchased homes in the past but the most I've ever had was maybe
00:05:24
Speaker
less than half an acre and to kind of have my own little slice of earth to call my own to not have an HOA to kind of build out what we want and develop what we want is a dream and at the same time it is sometimes overwhelming because of the amount of work that is required. I've heard that
00:05:48
Speaker
that first year of homesteading is often the hardest and that rings very true for, I'll speak for myself, for me, I'm handy with my hands and I can build things, but I am learning almost daily. I have probably cut down over 150 cedars because they are very invasive here and we have these big beautiful oaks on our property, but they're getting choked out by
00:06:13
Speaker
a lot of the cedars and so it's on me to kind of go through and and clear all those out and give them breathing room and I've had beautiful moments with myself and even with my kids helping out big old bonfires and brush fires and getting the land ready so it's fun but at the same time really really challenging at times and so we in October we got married October 22nd on our land as we kind of planned we had about 150 people or so here
00:06:42
Speaker
and it was really beautiful to kind of kick off what we are what we named is the the royal cactus ranch and cactus is on there because we have probably about 10 different varieties of cacti one of them is a prickly pear that we harvest and make different things out of probably i would say kristen my wife's personal favorite is the prickly pear margarita that we make but um
00:07:07
Speaker
There is just a lot of work around that and i could be creating content and i could be developing certain things but really i needed to put my head down and. Kind of go offline and make those certain things happen that we wanted with our own deadlines.
Blending Families and Parenting Challenges
00:07:24
Speaker
And we still have some more coming up that like I said, I'll get into here later on in the podcast, but we did get married on the land. And, but with that, I have three kids. I've got two boys and a girl. She has two girls and as beautiful as our wedding was and as amazing as our marriages, we are in the process and in the throws of blending families. And for anyone who has done that before, it's not easy.
00:07:52
Speaker
It's not easy to take two different cultures and blend them into one. You know, the overarching things that really matter to us, we are in line with. And the way that we approach most things we're in line with, but we're bumping into lots and lots of little things.
00:08:11
Speaker
That we have differing philosophies on and so staying connected managing communication navigating what's okay with mom versus what's okay with dad and what did you let your kids do before are we going to continue to let your kids do that or are you not okay with this and so
00:08:29
Speaker
It's been challenging and I can say that our kids are amazing I'm biased obviously but they have blended and gotten along but there was some rough patches in that process as well where.
00:08:43
Speaker
Let's say that my youngest daughter is an example. She was a single daughter, so anything girl related was hers. And now all of a sudden she's having to share toys and other things with two other girls that she loves and they go off in their own world and they play and have a lot of fun. And then they can be arguing about not wanting to let the other person touch their pair of shoes or whatever it may be.
00:09:07
Speaker
And so that's been really challenging and for me personally. I have always wanted to be a very present dad in whatever that looks like and that includes now my two additional daughters that have come into our family. And to really build and establish a relationship with them.
00:09:25
Speaker
And it's beautiful, it's rewarding, it's life-giving, and it's exhausting and tiring. And not only that, but my kids are seven, 11, and 13, and Kristin's are four and eight. And so one thing we bumped into is we're just at different stages of parenting where certain things that were a concern when my kids were younger are no longer a concern. I'm giving them a longer leash.
00:09:54
Speaker
And it took a little while and still i think in all fairness it'd be safe to say that kristen woulda would. Say that i am still re acclimating to having a little four year old girl as far as what's okay or not okay or safer not safe those kinds of things and so.
00:10:10
Speaker
It has been quite the show at moments but we've been able to blend together and really make something beautiful out of our marriage and our family and really kind of create new
Life Restructuring Post-Divorce
00:10:25
Speaker
norms.
00:10:25
Speaker
But it also comes with its challenges and lastly I have completely restructured my business in a lot of different ways and That in and of itself by itself is very challenging right going through transitions Navigating legal documents working on what kind of offerings are we going to have those kinds of things?
00:10:49
Speaker
So needless to say, I have been off the radar, but I have not been sitting around. I've been very, very busy building out some really what I would say is the reestablishing my life post divorce. And it doesn't mean that you have to get married to say that you have reestablished yourself.
00:11:13
Speaker
But two, three, four years ago, I was either at the end of my first marriage where I was extremely depressed. I had lost myself. I had lost a lot of my community. I had lost my definition and relationship with the God that I knew at the time.
00:11:30
Speaker
So I was really in a dark, dark place and I have not arrived by any means, but I have worked really hard and diligently on reestablishing my life and not getting trapped as so many people and people that I personally know where they've never really been able to move beyond a divorce or move beyond a death or some sort of a major catastrophe or something that is not planned or very disruptive.
00:12:00
Speaker
It's hard because you have to let yourself grieve you have to let yourself navigate those rocky waters and Some people just stay there. Some people stay locked into that place And never really rebuild. So for me seven months in the scope of life is not that long at all, but I
00:12:19
Speaker
For me, I have really put my head down and worked on reestablishing my life, which kind of brings me into one of the main things that I wanted to talk about today, which is navigating changes.
Navigating Life Changes
00:12:33
Speaker
And we all go through them, whether that is you quit a job, start a job, have a baby, get married, get divorced, lose a family member, lose a dog, you name it.
00:12:45
Speaker
there are so many different things that either are one, unexpected, or two are not planned and not something that we would necessarily want. And so how do you navigate those changes and move through those and really not either one get stuck there indefinitely and let that be the kind of the defining
00:13:07
Speaker
chapter of your life or prolong your process in that transition or in that change. How do you move through that in a way where you can, for some people, they get a divorce and it takes them 10 years to bounce back. For other people, it takes them 10 months to bounce back. And it's not that the faster you bounce back, it means that anything necessarily about you or how healthy you are, but there are things that you can do
00:13:34
Speaker
to circumvent drawing it out unnecessarily. And let me just say that I am not the best at sudden changes. I like mixing things up. I like spontaneity. I like being present. I like not planning all of that, but I'm talking about major disruptive life changes
00:13:55
Speaker
I think all of us, to a degree, desire some form of normalcy or consistency around what their life is. And so whether that is getting married or getting a divorce, those are the two really overarching or prominent things that have happened to me. So I'm just speaking to those, but you could take these principles and really apply them to several areas of your life.
00:14:19
Speaker
When you have those things come into your life, there's a part of it. There's a piece of it that is really exciting to be honest. I mean, this may not sound like what a lot of people would say, but when I got a divorce.
00:14:33
Speaker
If I'm honest with myself, there was a part of me that was really excited. Now, more so, I was devastated, I was lost, I was in pain, I was confused, I was hurt. That was all very present. But there was also a piece of me that was really excited because what it meant is moving forward in my next relationship, whenever that may be, whether that's in a year, a month, 10 years, whatever it is down the road,
00:15:02
Speaker
I get to redefine what that looks like. I get to reestablish new norms and healthy norms. I get to work on me and really identify the areas of my life that I need to take ownership in and create change to not bring in some of those things that I had in the unhealthy elements that were my responsibility in my marriage.
00:15:26
Speaker
I can confront those things and I can challenge those and I can change those and really grow and develop as a person to bring a better version of myself into that new relationship which I believe that I have. And so there is that exciting element but then there's also grief that comes with change even if it's a good change.
00:15:48
Speaker
My youngest brother just moved his family across the country and it was the right change. He was with an organization for over 10 years. He loved that organization, still does. He loved the community that he built.
00:16:03
Speaker
He had really established himself in that community and had found a rhythm, but he had also plateaued to where he, as far as who he is as a person, he had really plateaued in the sense of his ability to grow within that organization. And so he made changes.
00:16:21
Speaker
to move back to Indiana and while that's good, while there's the exciting parts of it, while there's more income opportunity for it, while there's more things that as far as what he stepped into that more so catered to the strengths that he has,
00:16:39
Speaker
There was also a lot of grief that came with that transition.
Grief in Positive Life Transitions
00:16:43
Speaker
He was saying goodbye to a community that he had literally spent years developing and being intimate with and growing with through the years of the evolution of having kids, etc.
00:16:57
Speaker
For me, there can be the exciting moment of getting married. I remember on my wedding day, here we have 150 people on our land. I have purchased land with my new queen and re-establishing myself, and that's exciting.
00:17:18
Speaker
But there was also a piece of me that felt grief on my wedding day because it meant, even though I had gotten divorced three years ago, even though there was no chance at us getting back together, you know, we have both worked on ourselves and we co-parent and we're friendly with my ex and even my current wife and my ex get along. And it's not just a cordial relationship. I would say that we're friends and we're friendly with one another.
00:17:46
Speaker
And there was a piece of me that felt a sense of grief or sadness that me getting remarried really is kind of finalizing the closure of that previous chapter of my life with my ex. And so there was grief there. And it's important to acknowledge the fact that even if you're going through good changes, there is still, there's going to be excitement, there's going to be momentum,
00:18:14
Speaker
There's going to be a lot of good that comes with it, but there's also going to be some grief and you need to be willing to acknowledge that because if you don't, if all you do is you look at the positives and the upsides and you don't take some time to let yourself process the grief that's associated, even with good changes, what you're doing is you're dumbing down or suppressing that part of your heart that you really need to acknowledge for you to be able to live present in so many other areas of your life.
Maintaining Self During Transitions
00:18:45
Speaker
Another thing when you're going through transition or change, sudden changes and navigating those is it's really easy for you to lose yourself. And here's what I mean by that is when you lose yourself, it's not like you all of a sudden question everything about your life, but you can let go of certain things that you've done to really solidify certain truths or things that you have worked on to get healing.
00:19:14
Speaker
and i'll use myself as an example you know when i got remarried i was excited about it there was a lot of work related to getting our land ready for it there was a lot of growth and momentum that was coming from all of that so overall it was a great thing
00:19:31
Speaker
But inadvertently, unintentionally, not because of my wife, she is extremely supportive of me. She champions me, she loves me. She has been a huge piece of my healing journey and reestablishing myself. But that said, because we don't see things the same way in certain areas, we'll just use, let's use plant medicine just as an example.
00:19:59
Speaker
For me, I was at the point where I was propped up on VA medications and I had a gun to my head. That's where I was, that low of a point. And plant medicine, working with psychedelics, working with MDMA, working with ayahuasca, et cetera, brought me from the brink of that to really healing my mind and healing my heart and navigating the transition of my divorce
00:20:25
Speaker
But then when I got married, you know, there's all the work to do. There's the blending of the families. There is establishing myself as a married man again, given the take that comes with all of that. And I slowly started to do less and less psychedelics. I started to do less and less plant medicine. Now that's not saying that I have a dependency on that to be happy in life.
00:20:49
Speaker
But I slowly started to let go of, I didn't microdose as consistently, I didn't schedule certain ceremonies as regularly. And when I say regularly, I like to do ceremonies anywhere from one to three times a year. So it's not something I'm doing every single weekend and just basically being an enlightenment junkie.
00:21:10
Speaker
But it is really important for me to connect to those deeper places for healing. For my wife, she is open to doing that with me periodically. She's supportive of me, but it's also not necessarily the way that she leans into healing or the best version of herself.
00:21:29
Speaker
And so I just slowly let go of that. Or we met at a yoga studio and we were practicing, both practicing regularly. Well, we get married, I move a little farther away, have land, and I slowly stopped doing yoga as consistently.
00:21:47
Speaker
And that is not good for me in the sense of one, I am not continuing to build that community and those relationships. Two, because of my injuries from my days in the Marine Corps, yoga is extremely beneficial for just helping me manage my injuries in a way that I don't hurt myself again, because I'm the knucklehead that'll go to the gym and think that I'm still 20 and then lift something too hard and take one step forward and two steps back.
00:22:17
Speaker
And so doing yoga on a regular basis keeps me at a really good place physically and mentally. It's very meditative and helps me slow down, forces me to slow down, which as an entrepreneur and somebody who's got a bunch of kids and a lot going on, sometimes that's really hard for me.
00:22:37
Speaker
I mean, there's all kinds of examples of people that are extremely successful, way busier than I am managing large teams that take time to meditate. And they do that because slowing down is where you find creativity. Slowing down is when you can actually see what's going on internally and do something about it.
00:22:56
Speaker
And so whatever slowing down means for you, maybe that's journaling in the morning, maybe that is going for long walks, maybe that's meditating, maybe that's doing yoga. You find what works for you, but in that transition of everything that I've been going through, I've slowly stopped doing certain things that kept me at a good place, kept me locked into my strengths.
00:23:21
Speaker
And it's not that I got locked into a really unhealthy codependent relationship with my new wife, et cetera, but I could get there. It's not that I'm so far off or removed from that because if I continue to not do the things that I need to do individually for me to be the healthiest, most present husband, father, businessman, et cetera,
00:23:45
Speaker
Over time, I will recreate that unhealthy paradigm where I lose myself again and then recreate the unhealthy aspects that I had in my previous marriage that were my responsibility. So it's important when you're navigating through changes to identify what are those things that help you stay at a good mental, physical, spiritual place and make sure now if it's the week of moving across the country or whatever,
00:24:14
Speaker
I'm not saying that you're going to be able to pull over and meditate. I mean, you can if it's that important to you. But what I'm saying is through the process, it could be weeks or months through a transition that's unexpected to navigate that in a healthy way. It's important that you make sure you identify what those things are that keep you at a good place and be intentional with integrating those into your calendar. Because doing that, when you do that,
00:24:43
Speaker
Any transition any large transition can be an opportunity for growth it can be an opportunity for you to lose yourself like I said or it can be an opportunity for you to really grow and lean into the discomfort that comes from transitions and lean into those emotions that maybe you don't want to process.
00:25:05
Speaker
lean into the areas that may be hard for you to hold on to because let's just say journaling is an example. That's a really beneficial thing for me to kind of get my thoughts out and whether that's with business ideas or just journaling my emotions, etc. Doing that through times when it's harder to do it helps further solidify that habit and lock in and anchor that habit
00:25:31
Speaker
Into my day to day routine into what I do because I'm making it a priority when it's inconvenient and harder for me to do and I'm not just waiting for the dust to settle and for me to get back at a quote unquote good place and so That's where you can take a transition
00:25:48
Speaker
even if it whether it's good or it's bad and if you stay locked into those things that are beneficial for you and are really intentional with those one it's just good for you overall because it'll keep you at a good headspace and two it'll help solidify those things that really help you move forward and to to grow moving forward and so
Debunking 'New Year, New You' Philosophy
00:26:10
Speaker
Those are just a couple of the overarching takeaways that I have realized in my own journey over these last seven months that I wanted to kind of pass along to you and let you know that in 2023, now I just want to say the whole new year, new you is bullshit. Sorry, it just is. People change when either the incentive is large enough or the discomfort is large enough.
00:26:40
Speaker
for you to move out of where you're currently at. And that doesn't necessarily come at the convenience or the rhythm of a 12-month calendar. That comes when you're ready. And it may be that you're ready in November, it may be that you're ready in January or July. And so it's important to not look at new year, new you. It can be kind of a hard line in the sand or what I like to do is take a couple days at the end of each year
00:27:07
Speaker
and reflect on the past year and really dream for that coming year, which Kristen and I have done. I'm not discounting the good that can come from those things, but I would challenge you to not look at the new year as an excuse for you to dismiss any of your bad habits or things that have
00:27:31
Speaker
gotten you to where maybe you don't want to be and just say new year, new me, and then start that diet that lasts three weeks. And then you fall off because it's not something that's consistent. You have to lean into the areas that you actually want to see growth. And so maybe look, maybe flip it a little bit instead of new year, new you it's new year. It's a continued opportunity for you to be more whole, more healthy and more of the person that you ultimately want to be.
New Coaching Programs and Events for 2023
00:27:57
Speaker
And so for this year, just to let you guys know,
00:28:01
Speaker
I'm really excited because part of the restructuring of everything that I've gone through over the last seven months and even I would I would say a big chunk of last year beyond even that. Is there are some new coaching programs that I'm gonna be talking about here in the next couple podcast episodes so if you haven't subscribed I would encourage you to do that so you don't miss those.
00:28:24
Speaker
And one of the big things that was a dream, and this is where oscillating between a dream and feeling overwhelmed, is that we are going to be doing some in-person events on our land. One of my projects I have is I'm building a 30 by 30 foot deck. We already have a yurt, a nice size yurt.
00:28:47
Speaker
And once that deck is built, the yurt's going to go up. And we've actually met some of our neighbors who have a place that is literally down the road. It's a beautiful ranch that people can stay at. And we are going to be facilitating and hosting different in-person events throughout the year. And there'll be more details of that to come
00:29:09
Speaker
probably I would say in February, somewhere around there. But I'm going to be rolling out different things. Obviously I'm now being proactive with the podcast and that's not going to be a one-off and I'll talk to you in seven more months. Part of this new year is I'm going to be rolling out new content, new episodes. If you'd like to be a guest, please reach out to me at contact at CIRBA. Actually no, that's not the wrong email. Let's do
00:29:37
Speaker
Josh at seerbawconsulting.com. Again, just Josh at seerbawconsulting.com. If you're interested in being a guest on the podcast, I'd love to get more guests on. And then launching different coaching programs. I'm still doing one-on-one, but we're going to be rolling out a couple different programs.
00:29:55
Speaker
that you definitely want to keep your eye out for. So I would encourage you to stay tuned for the podcast episodes. But even beyond that, just for you personally to maybe take a moment and assess where are you at right now and have you found yourself not just in a new year, but in an unexpected transition of sorts and take a little inventory.
00:30:23
Speaker
Are you doing the things that you know you should be doing and sidebar, this is not an opportunity for you to shame spiral. If you're like, you know what? I haven't been to the gym in six months. Okay. Acknowledging it is important. And then doing something about it is equally important.
00:30:41
Speaker
Take a little bit of inventory and see are you ask yourself brutally honestly are you doing the things that you know are good for you that you know help you and move you towards your own desires. If you're doing them congratulations i'm proud of you keep moving keep doing it is not easy to do especially through transitions.
00:31:01
Speaker
But if you're not, it may be time for you just to take one or two of those things and begin to reintegrate them into your life so that you can be in January of next year and reflect and look back and go, you know what? 2023 is the year that I went through this, but I really was able to anchor myself in this and this and this. And those are big contributing factors to where I am today.