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Unexpected Pain - How to Use it for Good | Ep. #60
107 Plays1 year ago
Today we get to dive into what I’m calling “my shitty week”... an unexpected (and intense) wave of pain that took me off guard. Like many things in life, for those who are willing to lean into discomfort, there can be some beautiful life lessons.
In this episode you'll learn:
- Why it’s important to keep your heart open even after you’ve “processed grief”
- How to stay present with the emotions non of us want to feel?
- How you can turn those negative emotions into fuel and motivation for moving forward.
- The importance of staying connected (to your heart, loved ones, and life)
- How holding space for those in pain creates a deeper connection… and how to do it without trying to change them.
Links
Host: Josh Cearbaugh
Website: https://joshcearbaugh.com
Instagram: https://instagram.com/joshcearbaugh
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joshcearbaugh/
Online Course: https://www.jumpstartyourlife.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction: Unexpected Grief
00:00:00
Speaker
Today, you get to get a little bit of insight into my process, for better or for worse. We're going to be diving into this last week sucked for me. And the reason why it sucked so bad is because I had a very unexpected, intense week of grief
00:00:23
Speaker
that was triggered from a simple conversation that I had with my ex. It was not her fault in any way. It was my stuff, my stories, my process. But I think there's a couple important takeaways that you can learn from my process and why it's so important to understand that the waves of grief are going to be there no matter what. I made the mistake
00:00:49
Speaker
of thinking, you know what? I have moved on, I have rebuilt my life, and boy was I wrong in the sense of I made the mistake of thinking that that grief associated with my divorce was in my past and did not really adequately give my heart space to know that there was new waves
00:01:13
Speaker
that would be hitting my heart and I had a very intense one. So you're going to learn some important takeaways and also how to navigate through it when you realize that something like this happens and navigate through it in a way that produces
00:01:30
Speaker
a fresh sense of life, of drive, and of motivation if you're willing to let your heart stay present when you want to run and hide and pull back and sabotage and check out.
Understanding Masculinity and Emotions
00:01:44
Speaker
If you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast and as always leave a review. And I read every single one of those and they kind of give me insight for the topics that you guys care about and want me to dive into further. So without further ado, let's get into the nitty gritty details of my really shitty week. Men, we are not simple chest thumping, rock smashing, fire starting barbarians.
00:02:11
Speaker
We have depth. We intensely feel. We are scared yet brave. We love to have fun. We're imperfect and make mistakes. We're compassionate and loving. We are multifaceted. Let's explore the reality of masculinity together. Today is interesting because
00:02:40
Speaker
Today I wanna talk to you about an unexpected wave of death and grief that I have been writing out for the last probably week and just kind of process some with you. And my hope is, my desire is that you will find some takeaways, some benefits on helping navigate
00:03:04
Speaker
different waves of grief. And I have touched on writing the waves of grief and understanding and how to process grief in a way that helps move that grief through you and also the stages of grief.
The Impact of Ignoring Grief
00:03:18
Speaker
So I'm not gonna go into that, but really more so today, I wanna talk about why it's important to acknowledge the fact that grief is, it's part of our human existence.
00:03:31
Speaker
It's part of what we experience in life, no matter, like there's no way that you are going to go through life with, without experiencing grief. And so really the question is, what are you going to do when you do experience it? And there's different levels of it. There's different kinds of it. There's different reasons for it. But specifically for me, what happened was, you know, I,
00:03:57
Speaker
I'm very big on building, moving forward, evolving, growing, becoming a better man. And that's important, but with that can have a downside. And what I experienced in this last week, I experienced that downside and really what happened was
00:04:20
Speaker
Those of you that have been following me for any period of time know that I went through a divorce and I went through the divorce. It took me out in a lot of ways. It caused me to question everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. My relationship with God fundamentally changed. I lost a lot of community. I lost friends that I thought were lifelong friends.
00:04:44
Speaker
I lost my wife, I lost the time of 50% of the time that I get with my kids as far as raising them and growing older with them. And so there was a lot of loss and grief there. And I, I even reached a point where I had a gun to my head and.
Healing Journey and Psychedelics
00:05:01
Speaker
Fortunately, I didn't pull the trigger. Um, I'm not going to go into the whole story because I've shared it several times, but I found psychedelics and used psychedelics to really heal my mind as well as other things that I did to rebuild my life. And now I'm happily married and have two more bonus kids, five kids. I never thought that I'd have five kids, but Hey, here I am. I didn't think that a lot of things would happen that have happened in my life for good and for bad.
00:05:31
Speaker
But my point in all of that is that what I found myself in was, you know, I have, like I said, I had rebuilt my life. Now I'm still rebuilding it, but I had ridden that really intense season, that dark tunnel of grief when it came to the end of my marriage. And in that, I,
00:05:57
Speaker
quote unquote, came out the other side. I managed to process that grief and begin to rebuild my life and I'm still in that journey and that process.
00:06:08
Speaker
But in a lot of ways, I felt like I had quote unquote moved beyond the grief because now I'm remarried and I'm pursuing certain dreams and passions that I have. I have land, I have a truck, I have these things that I really wanted and didn't even think was possible quite frankly.
00:06:33
Speaker
But throughout the last several years, rebuilding my life have found myself in a place where I have acquired those things or rebuilt in a lot of ways. But in that
00:06:46
Speaker
I in a sense dismissed that the grief from my divorce, that those waves could still periodically come.
Triggers and Resurgence of Emotions
00:06:55
Speaker
Logically, I knew that. Logically, I knew that there was going to be times for the rest of my life that I would have grief associated with the death of my marriage.
00:07:08
Speaker
But I wasn't anticipating what happened last week. And that was that my ex came to me and we had a simple conversation. She had a simple ask, a simple question. But in that conversation, that interaction, what happened was.
00:07:25
Speaker
this flood of grief came over me where there was some of my old story at play, some of my old relationship with her, and she's not the same person and I'm not the same person that we were at the end of my marriage.
00:07:43
Speaker
Uh, we have a good relationship. I love her. I want nothing but the best for her. My wife and my ex are friendly. Uh, my ex and I, we do co-parenting and we support and care for one another. I would, I would call us friends, but her ask and what that was brought up all of these old stories for me. And in those old stories,
00:08:08
Speaker
was all of the old grief. And I found myself at this place where I didn't, it was this uncomfortable, familiar emotion where I wanted to recoil.
00:08:24
Speaker
I wanted to shut everything down. I wanted to shut the podcast down and say, screw it. I'm not doing that anymore. Who am I to share any insights or have people on that want to help men and masculinity? I have failed. I did not try hard enough. What if I would have done X, Y, or Z? Look at all of the loss that came with the divorce. And I went down this really dark place. Now,
00:08:50
Speaker
I didn't reach a point where I became suicidal, but I did reach a point where I wanted out of really how I was feeling is what I wanted out of.
Desire for Connection and New Relationships
00:09:03
Speaker
But I didn't choose a lot of the things or maybe a better way of saying it because I did, right? I have free will. I did choose a lot of the actions that got me to where I am.
00:09:17
Speaker
But I didn't see my life looking like it looks now. I didn't see my life. I never saw myself being remarried. I wanted to grow old with my ex and I want to grow old with my current wife. It's actually a deep-seated desire of mine is to grow old with someone and really
00:09:40
Speaker
Have that old love where we can look back on the life that we have lived together and what we've accomplished and built and the lives that we've impacted, etc. But that didn't turn out the way that I thought that it would. And not only did it not turn out the way that I thought it would, but there was a lot of pain within the difference of what I perceived and what I anticipated. Now, fortunately, I have
00:10:10
Speaker
an amazing wife. And I would also say, fortunately, now I don't want, I don't desire divorce for anyone. It is painful. It comes at a heavy cost to everybody involved, including the kids. But she also has gone through a divorce and she also has experienced these certain waves of grief. And in that,
00:10:39
Speaker
the reflecting on, well, what if I would have tried harder or I wish we could still be together. She's had those feelings too, at times. And I understand that. I can connect with those feelings. And fortunately, because we both experienced divorce and we've worked on ourselves and we're okay with each other's process,
00:11:02
Speaker
She was okay with just giving me space. She was fully available if I wanted connection, but she was also fully okay with giving me space to let me process that grief.
00:11:16
Speaker
And the reason why I say I didn't expect it is because I had, Hey, I had remarried. I had come off of all of my VA medications for my mental health. I have rebuilt businesses. I am doing more than I ever probably have in the sense of the capacity that I'm capable of. I've grown and evolved and being able to juggle and manage and take on more.
00:11:42
Speaker
And then all of a sudden, this wave, the example that I give with the podcast episode on riding the waves of grief is if grief was an actual wave,
00:11:57
Speaker
I had learned how to ride the small waves off the coast of California. And then in the divorce, it felt like I had been dropped into tsunami waves off the coast of Hawaii. And I didn't know if I was going to be able to come up for air or get pulled under. And if I came up, then all of a sudden another huge wave came crashing down and it just felt overwhelming. Well, this wave that hit me this last week.
Coping Mechanisms and Physical Activities
00:12:25
Speaker
It, it felt like a phantom wave that came out of nowhere and I got pulled into this really dark place of grief to the point where similar as when I was going through my divorce, where I felt lost and I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I wanted to recoil and pull back and shut down and then went into these really dark places in my mind.
00:12:52
Speaker
Fortunately, I have my wife who, like I said, was willing to give me space and also open to hearing the reality of what I was processing and not being afraid or offended by it, but was willing to hold space for me.
00:13:07
Speaker
And then I also have some other really close friends that I could talk to and help me ride that wave of grief out. And what's really interesting is learning how to lean into it, not, not live in it, but lean into it understanding that just like a wave in the ocean, it will pass.
00:13:26
Speaker
and lean into it and let your heart be fully present. You know, I had all kinds of plans. I happened to not have my kids for five days. And so I had all these grand plans of things that I was going to accomplish and get done and check off my to-do list. But then when this wave of grief hit me, I literally laid in bed for a day and a half.
00:13:50
Speaker
I got out of bed periodically, but a big chunk of it was just in bed crying and questioning and missing the relationship that I had with God, missing the relationship that I had with my kids and how it's had to change, missing the relationships that I lost, that I lost through the divorce process and the community that I had. And it felt like it all came in unexpectedly at once.
00:14:16
Speaker
And it's really interesting because when you're in that place, I don't know for those of you that have experienced it, similar to a wave crashing down, it feels like you can't see out of it. You can't see on the other side of it. It's really easy to get hopeless and to get lost in that.
00:14:37
Speaker
And I was there. I was at that place. I was ready. Like I said, now scale of one to 10, 10 means I shut down all my businesses. I actually did it. One is the thought. I was probably at like a three, right? So I wasn't taking action or sabotaging anything, but I sure as hell had the feeling of what's the point.
00:14:56
Speaker
You know, why even try and, but staying in that place and staying connected to my heart, letting my heart cry it out and grieve it out. And also slowly. Now this time it lasted maybe a week, right? When I went through the divorce, it lasted nine months where just the smallest things felt almost unbearable or impossible.
00:15:22
Speaker
but I now have certain go-tos that I can pull on,
Balancing Grief with Gratitude
00:15:26
Speaker
whether that be certain people, or for me, I've got a bunch of chickens, about 50 chickens, and spending time with my chickens, as silly as that may sound, but really being outdoors.
00:15:38
Speaker
I spent probably about three hours, two days ago, digging up rocks on a path. We've got this 25 foot deck that we're doing yoga on the deck and we've got this path that people are going back to and they walk back and, but it's got some rocks. And so I just did labor. I got out and I sweat and I just was in that grief, but also moving, like physically moving my body and not being stagnant.
00:16:07
Speaker
And quite frankly, I didn't want to. I was literally sitting on the couch wanting to check out. I wanted to just watch YouTube or scroll Instagram or just do anything but move forward. But I knew that I couldn't. That said, I did it a little bit. I'll be honest with you. I did it a little bit.
00:16:28
Speaker
But I told myself I had to get up. I had to move. Cause I knew looking back that that's, that's what helps me move through that grief is to let those emotions be present, but not let them completely isolate and take you out of any kind of forward momentum.
00:16:47
Speaker
So I spent three hours digging up rocks and sweating and it's not like all of a sudden that grief disappeared, but I felt better, right? From a neurological standpoint, from a physical standpoint, I wasn't stagnant in that grief. And my point in all of this is
00:17:10
Speaker
being willing to ride those waves, being willing to let yourself feel that and not bottle it up or suppress it or try to drink or check out and fight it, but letting your heart be open to it and feel the pain of that. It opens up this other side of life that is hard to access without it.
00:17:39
Speaker
If I try to numb my pain and check out from my pain, what I do is I also numb the life that I can access and the joy that I can access. So trying to put a cap or a lid on that sabotages my ability to move forward because now I find myself on the other side of that wave. And now that doesn't mean like everything that I was feeling is still real and still present. I still lost.
00:18:08
Speaker
several friends. I lost a huge community. My relationship with God fundamentally changed. I lost my wife. It doesn't mean I lost her in the sense of she died, but I lost that intimate connection.
00:18:23
Speaker
And now our relationship has changed to where now we're friends and we're co-parents, but there is still grief there. I lost time with my kids that I will never be able to experience. They have life experiences that I will never get to be a part of because of the divorce. All of that is still real. All of that is still present. All of that is still true. But now, today, recording this podcast,
00:18:51
Speaker
I can see it, but not be overwhelmed by it. And also on the other side of that, I mean, I'm sitting here recording this podcast, right? I actually have this fresh drive and desire to be present and to continue moving. And I would argue that that is because I let myself ride that wave
00:19:18
Speaker
Now it's really easy, especially, you know, I have a history of depression and so it's really easy to get sucked into that dark place and to stay there. And that's why it's important for you to have, know what works for you. Know what is it that you need when you feel these waves of grief. Now, my greatest wave of grief was as largely associated with my divorce.
00:19:47
Speaker
But even another aspect of that is my ex's grandfather recently passed. I record a podcast episode on that. And in the midst of that grief is like, I...
00:19:59
Speaker
I wanted to be able to grieve his death with her different than what I'm able to now. This picture in my mind that when he passed, I would be able to be with her and be with her family. And this image of what it could look like is different and it's changed. And so it was everywhere I looked, all I could see was that grief. All I could feel was that grief. Another great example of that is
00:20:29
Speaker
I was talking to one of my friends, one of the very few friends, quite frankly, that remained close with me through my divorce. And I said to him via Marco Polo, it's a video messaging app and I use it for family and friends and clients. I actually love that. It's not a sponsored or anything and they're not paying me for it, but Marco Polo, I absolutely love that app. But I said to him on that, you know, it was like, I am so grateful for our friendship.
00:20:58
Speaker
And then I started crying and the reason I was crying and I told him this was with how I'm feeling with, with being in the midst of this grief right now, I am genuinely grateful for our friendship, but I can't feel that gratitude right now. All I can feel is the pain of the loss of the friendships I no longer have.
00:21:27
Speaker
And sitting in that, sitting in that tension, being able to identify gratitude. Now this isn't a, you know, raw, raw, raw, jump on a chair and say 10 things you're grateful for and your life's going to be all better. But sitting in that tension of being able to be in grief, but still finding love, still finding gratitude, still finding connection.
00:21:50
Speaker
that is what's going to help you not get trapped in it, not feel overwhelmed, even though it can feel overwhelming in moments, for it to not take you out, for you to be able to move through. So sitting with that grief, being present with it, but then also identifying
00:22:10
Speaker
where are those things that you are grateful for?
Universal Nature of Grief
00:22:14
Speaker
Like I said, I have six and a half acres. I've got a beautiful little ranch with my wife now. And I have an amazing woman who hears me, sees me as okay with my shortcomings and quite frankly, a lot easier on me than I am on myself oftentimes.
00:22:34
Speaker
And I'm grateful for her. I've got two beautiful bonus kids. And I do have my kids. I know other people that are divorced and they hardly get to see their kids at all. I have 50-50 custody with my ex. So being able to identify those kinds of things and seeing the good helps you actually paint a realistic picture.
00:22:56
Speaker
a balanced picture internally where, yes, that grief is present. Yes, it is painful. Yes, it may feel overwhelming or feel overbearing at times, but it's part of our human experience.
Facing Grief and Finding Healing
00:23:12
Speaker
It's part of what all of us are going to experience.
00:23:15
Speaker
And the question you have to ask yourself is, are you going to let yourself feel those emotions that a lot of us spend a ton of energy running from, trying to suppress, trying to pretend that aren't there? And really all that does is that prolongs the damage that grief can do, because we're all going to experience those waves of grief, whether that is a divorce or a loss of a loved one or a dog or whatever it may be. We, we don't get to escape grief.
00:23:46
Speaker
So you have to ask yourself, how are you going to choose to respond to it? Do I do it perfect all the time? Absolutely not. Was part of, for me, part of the reason why this wave of grief felt so intense was because, like I said, I had told myself, oh, I've moved on.
00:24:05
Speaker
I have rebuilt my life. I've processed that grief from my divorce and now that is quote unquote behind me, but that's not behind me. That's just part of my life story, part of my journey. But if you're willing to let yourself feel that and ride those waves,
00:24:24
Speaker
I'm telling you, it's going to open up this other side of that wave where it's just like if you were to ride an actual wave, the more that you learn how to ride it instead of get buried by it, then the more you're able to stay above the water instead of under it. And not only that, it gives you more strength. Today, if you would have asked me three days ago to record a podcast, I'd have told you to go fuck yourself.
00:24:54
Speaker
I genuinely, I did not want to be seen, be heard, be anything. I wanted to escape. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to go to all my coping mechanisms. I wanted to not feel what I was feeling, but letting myself feel those things.
00:25:16
Speaker
and then having the support of friends, having the support of my wife, having the understanding and the need to know that I need to be able to balance this grief with gratitude and love and appreciation. Now on the other side of it, I'm sitting here recording this podcast.
Embracing Grief for Growth and Connection
00:25:34
Speaker
I feel freshly invigorated for life. Looking back on that,
00:25:41
Speaker
And my point in all of this is you don't know, you don't get to decide when grief comes knocking at the door. Just like you don't get to decide when say a loved one passes. What you do get to decide is how you respond to it, how you process it, how you choose to be present with it or choose to run and hide from it. But no matter how far you run and no matter how much you hide, you cannot escape it.
00:26:11
Speaker
So I'd encourage you, I challenge you, I dare you to choose to live as a man with your heart open. And that is really, really hard and painful at times. But on the other side of that, like I said, with my wife, I feel more connected to her now.
00:26:34
Speaker
because I rode that wave and she responded and gave me space and gave me connection and empathy. And now I feel closer to her. Now I feel more in love with her. Now with my podcast, I feel freshly invigorated to be able to share and to get guests on and to drive that ship forward with my coaching business with like, there's this new sense of life.
00:27:00
Speaker
I know it's cliche, but they say, you know, it's the, the night is darkest before the dawn. Well, that could be a five year process with somebody with terminal illness that is horrible. Or for me, it could be a week of a, of a wave of grief that I didn't anticipate coming and felt like it wiped me out for a couple of days. And the, the challenge in that is learning how to give yourself grace.
00:27:28
Speaker
because grief is real, it is hard, it makes it hard to want to do some of the simplest things. And so giving yourself grace and backing off, like I said, I had all these to-dos that I wanted to check off and I got done maybe 15% of what I wanted to get done this last week.
00:27:54
Speaker
But were those to-do lists really that important compared to learning to live with my heart open and my heart present? Because now, now that I'm not trying to suppress it and hide it and run from it, now that I've moved through that wave and I feel freshly invigorated and alive, those to-do lists, now I'm chomping at the bit to get those to-do list things done.
00:28:19
Speaker
not in the sense of feeling behind, but there's this new side of life that I feel tangibly in my heart because I let myself feel that grief. So if you find yourself in a wave of grief,
00:28:36
Speaker
I encourage you, I implore you to learn how to lean into it, to learn how to know when you need space to grieve by yourself, but also know when you need to risk picking up the phone, going over to a friend's house, reaching out to someone, being real, being raw, being vulnerable because that vulnerability invites deeper connection, intimacy, and healing for your heart.