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00:00:01
What Do I Do When My Child Hits?
10.9k Plays2 months ago
In this solo episode, Jess answers a listener's question. She explores how to become curious about and respond to children’s challenging behaviours like hitting. She breaks down four key reasons why children may hit and provides practical strategies for addressing each root cause.
In the episode, Jess covers:
- How to get curious about why your child is hitting (or engaging in other challenging behaviours)
- Proactive ways to meet children's needs before hitting occurs
- How to respond to the big feelings that come after you’ve set a boundary around hitting
- Recognizing that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to hitting
Packed with real-life examples and actionable tips, this episode gives parents powerful tools to move beyond basic consequences and truly support their child's growth and development. It is a must-listen for any parent struggling with hitting or other challenging behaviours.
In the episode, Jess mentions her Parenting Little Kids course. You can learn more about the course here, and use the code ROBOTUNICORN for 10% off any Nurtured First parenting course or printable toolkit! [https://nurturedfirst.com/courses/]
We’d love to hear from you! Have questions you want us to answer on Robot Unicorn? Send us an email: [email protected].
Learn more about the Solving Bedtime Battles course here.
Credits:
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Transcript
Introduction and Show Update
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Robot Unicorn. Today, we're starting the show with a question from you.
00:00:14
Speaker
Hey friends. All right. So today I have some good news and some bad news for you. Let's start with the good news. The good news is we are not going to have a skeptic interrupting us and asking sarcastic questions the entire time. The bad news is what that means is that Scott will not be joining us for today's episode. Let me give you a little bit
Family Illness and Listener Support
00:00:38
Speaker
of backstory. Our family about eight days ago, each and every one of us got super sick. If you follow on IG on Nurtured First, you might have seen me post a little bit about it, but we all got really sick and Scott's still not feeling the best. So we went over a whole bunch of the questions that you had actually sent in to the show.
00:01:00
Speaker
And so first of all, we both just want to say thank you so much for A, your support for the podcast, B, how much you've been loving all of the shows and how you are willing to take time out of your day to email us and tell us about the way that it's impacting your family. It meant so much to us to read your stories of how you're getting more curious and you're feeling less triggered and you're understanding yourself more.
00:01:22
Speaker
We are truly blown away by the community that this podcast is already growing and we just want to say thank you so so so much. It was hard for us to narrow down what question we wanted to respond to today because you have sent in so many incredible
Handling a Child's Hitting Behavior
00:01:39
Speaker
questions. so Let me read you the question that I had today. I'm going to read it straight from a DM and I'm going to do my best to answer it and really help you because this was one of the most common themes that we had in the questions.
00:01:53
Speaker
Hey, Jess and Scott, thank you so much for your podcast. I discovered it a few weeks ago and have listened to many episodes and things are really clicking inside of me. One question I have for you is this. You talk a lot about getting curious about things like hitting. I have been getting curious about my child's hitting, but I'm not quite sure what to do next. Once I figure out what's going on with her hitting, how do I then help her? Thank you so much.
00:02:21
Speaker
I love this question and I hear this question from folks on nurtured fires in our practice all the time. Our mindset of get curious and try and understand and get to the root of the behavior is really helpful, right? Because we understand now that when our child hits us, it's not them trying to be bad. It's not them trying to be rude or aggressive.
00:02:41
Speaker
There's something going on underneath the hitting behavior. And our role as parents is to get curious, to try and understand why is our child hitting us. And parents, for the most part, I think, are on board. We understand that kids are not just hitting because they want to be bad or they want to drive us crazy or they want us to have a bad day.
00:03:03
Speaker
they're hitting because there's something going on underneath the surface. But what I find comes next, like so we can agree there's something going on, we can agree on behavior being communication, but I find parents often get a little bit stuck there and that makes a lot of sense. It took me a lot of time in schooling and education to really understand how to get curious and then not only to understand how to get curious, but to understand now what, right? I'm getting curious now what? So today I kind of wanted to take you through both things. First, I wanted to teach you at a little bit of a deeper level how to get curious about your child's behavior. And then I wanted to teach you what you can do once you get curious and you start to understand the root cause of your child's behavior. And we'll use hitting today as an example.
Personal Story: Addressing Hitting After New Arrival
00:03:50
Speaker
So I was thinking about my daughter when we had our new baby. So we had our third baby. My second daughter was struggling a lot with hitting.
00:03:59
Speaker
So she would hit me. She would try and hit the baby. She would hit her older sister. She was struggling so much with hitting. Right. And so what we see at the surface is a child who's hitting. And I always remember I was at a gathering, I was camping and she hit, I think, the baby. And someone said to me, tongue in cheek, they were like, oh, Jess, I bet you didn't use your gentle methods of parenting now. I bet you wish you could just put her in a time out. And I remember thinking to myself, no.
00:04:26
Speaker
I know what I'm doing now is going to help her in the long term. And I understand how so many parents feel stuck when your child's consistently hitting over and over and over again. It's like, how do I get out of this? You don't want your child to keep hitting. So how do we get curious? One of the first things that we can do when we get curious is ask ourselves how is the hitting helping the child. And it might be hard to think of hitting as something that's helping a child, but we want to think about what happens after they hit, right? So for example, I'm going to think about my child, what happens after she hits? Okay, well, one thing that happens is maybe I rush over to her and I give her a really big reaction. So what need would that be helping?
00:05:09
Speaker
If I'm every time she hits, I'm giving her a big reaction. Even if my big reaction is saying, no, stop hitting, don't do that, that's not okay. She's getting a need for connection with me, Matt. And so for some children who maybe there's a new baby in the family, maybe parents are really busy, maybe there's just a lot going on, hitting can actually get their need for connection time met because it's a surefire way to make sure that the parent gives the child the attention.
00:05:37
Speaker
So even if they're getting the attention met through stop, no, don't do that, a timeout or even spanking, they're getting that connection need met through hitting. So that's one reason why we might see a child hit.
Reasons Behind Hitting: Connection and Sensory Needs
00:05:51
Speaker
Now let's think of another child who's hitting and maybe they're not getting any connection need met. And I saw this a lot in my daughter. She would hit her sister when I wasn't looking, when I wasn't there, when there's no way that she was going to get connection met, she would be hitting even the couch or other things. And so then we start to get curious of what's going on for them.
00:06:11
Speaker
And for some children, I call this hitting energy. They just have this hitting energy inside of their body. And we see this a lot in our highly sensitive children. They have this feeling inside of their body that makes them feel like they just have to get it out. And so that might be through kicking, hitting, screaming, biting.
00:06:32
Speaker
Your child may have many different outlets, but these sensitive children have that feeling and it just has to get out. And often they can't control that impulse because they don't have developed brains yet. They don't have the ability to control the impulse to hit. So they will start hitting their siblings. They will maybe even hit themselves. They might hit a wall, anything really. And sometimes these kids hit for sensory reasons.
00:06:57
Speaker
So that's the second reason. So we see hitting happening for connection. We see it happening for sensory reasons. Now let's keep thinking. Okay, so you don't think your child's hitting for a sensory reason. You don't think that they're hitting for connection. But maybe your child hits. And every single time they hit, you say, hey, let's go for a break.
00:07:19
Speaker
You take them out of the situation. Maybe they're in the living room and you have your other kids around and it's loud and it's chaotic and they hit and now they have to go to timeout or they hit and you're at a family gathering and there's tons of family around and you go take them to the bathroom to calm down. What might be happening is that your child is learning. They are drawing this connection in their brain that when I hit, I get a break. And so possibly hitting for them is meeting their need to get a break and to get some space.
00:07:49
Speaker
And I actually see that a lot in the school-aged children that I work with, who maybe they're not hitting, but they're having challenging behavior in the classroom. And then they go, they have to leave the classroom and go to the principal's office. In so many of the kids that I work with that have to leave the classroom and go to the principal's office, when we get curious about their behavior, it's that they're actually seeking that break.
00:08:14
Speaker
They're seeking going to the principal's office because then either they get a break from the hard schoolwork. They're not quite sure how to do. They get a break from a bully in the class. Maybe they get a break from the overstimulation that's going on. And when we only look at their hitting or we only look at the behavior, we don't see the bigger picture. We don't see the need. for a break that's happening there.
Expressing Needs and Proactive Solutions
00:08:37
Speaker
And finally, another reason that we might see hitting, and there's there's tons, sorry, there's tons of reasons, but these are just the four I'm going to go into today. So again, connection, sensory, a break. And finally, a child might hit because they actually really do want this item or this activity and they don't quite know how to communicate that to you yet.
00:09:00
Speaker
So literally, I told you, we were all sick this week and I just saw this in my toddler's behavior. She was hitting this morning. She was hitting her sister. And when I got curious about why, she really wanted to play with the same bluey toy that her sister was playing with.
00:09:20
Speaker
And my toddler doesn't really talk too much yet. She's still developing words. So she doesn't have the ability to communicate, hey, I want to play with this toy too. Right. And so when she's trying to communicate that and it's not working, she's not able to get her point across. My preschooler is not understanding what she's saying. It comes out in a hit and she hits her sister because she's seeking the toy.
00:09:42
Speaker
Right? And so you might see that in the grocery store where you have a child who's all of a sudden hitting, having this giant tantrum, because you said no to getting yogurt tubes or something like that. You might see it in a child who can't have the activity that they want to have. Maybe they want more screen time. And really the hitting is meaning I want this thing really, really bad. And I'm having a hard time tolerating that feeling.
00:10:08
Speaker
So I'm going to leave you with just those four reasons. So let's say you get curious and most times I think maybe it'll be a couple of those reasons, but most times it'll fall under one of those four reasons. So connection, sensory, seeking a break or wanting this item or this activity. So now I'm imagining the parent who messaged me and she's saying, Jess, I'm getting curious. I'm trying to understand what's going on, but what do I do next?
00:10:37
Speaker
And again, this is why it's so important to get curious about your child's hitting, biting, kicking, whatever it is, because the way that we respond to their behavior is going to be shaped by why that behavior is happening in the first place, right? So if I have a child who's hitting and all I'm doing is saying the same script on repeat, I can't let you hit, I can't let you hit, but really they're hitting because they are so overwhelmed and they have to have a break.
00:11:03
Speaker
Well yeah, it makes sense that saying the same script over and over again is not going to do anything to change the hitting because we're not actually giving them a new skill. So one of the things that I like to teach parents is we want to teach our children new ways to get their need met without having to hit. So let's start back over then at connection. So you have a child who's hitting and you're getting curious and you're realizing that, oh man, I'm giving a big reaction every single time they hit. you know and And I'm angry. My reaction is, don't hit, you can't do that. That's not okay. Hey, come over here with me. Or maybe your reaction is more gentle, but still it's a big reaction. Maybe your reaction sounds more like, oh hun, I can't let you hit. Oh no, I know. You're having such a hard time right now and it's so tricky and you're hitting and they're getting that need for connection met.
00:11:57
Speaker
So what I would say is we want to actually focus the less time and energy on the hitting behavior if it's a connection need and more time trying to proactively get that need for connection met. So if you have like your toddler and they're hitting a lot and you think it's because you have a new baby in the home,
00:12:16
Speaker
or you're distracted, you have other things going on. Find tiny moments to get that need for connection met before they ever hit. So that might look like just giving them a little wink while they're playing, coming over to them, give them a little side hug and say, hey, I see you, you're having a really good time. Maybe narrate the good behavior that you see. So you might say something like,
00:12:38
Speaker
Wow, I see you're playing so nice with your sister and you're using your gentle hands. Oh, I see that you're having so much fun. Look at that smile on your face. It's so nice to play nicely with your sister. And just by narrating that behavior,
00:12:54
Speaker
You're catching the good and you're showing your child that they can get that need for connection met in ways that serve them and that make them feel good inside. So that's connection. And of course, I could do an entire episode just on that.
Positive Energy Release and Tolerating Disappointment
00:13:08
Speaker
But if youre you're getting curious about your child's need for hitting and its connection, what I would say is keep the behavior boring. like focus so much less energy. I think we get so stuck and we focus all of our time and energy on things like hitting. And then our child actually does play nicely with their sister or their brother and we miss it. And they don't get connection for that.
00:13:30
Speaker
or they finally play nice seat and they don't hit their baby sister and we just go, see, you can play nice with your sister. And instead of it being a rewarding moment where we're noticing out loud, hey, look how soft your hands were. It's a moment where we're like, see, and it doesn't motivate them to want to continue to touch their sister with the soft hands as an example.
00:13:54
Speaker
So again, the need for connection, we're going to narrate the behavior that you want to see more of. You're going to try and meet their connection in small ways before they hit. So now let's talk about the next one, sensory. So you might notice that your child has hitting energy. And this is a really common one. I see this a lot in kids who hit a lot.
00:14:17
Speaker
they get this feeling inside of their body that makes them feel like they need to hit. And this might happen especially when they're tired or they've had a really busy day or maybe they just got back from school. This definitely happens often in our sensitive kids.
00:14:34
Speaker
It maybe happens when your house is really loud, you have a lot of different things going on, maybe the lights have been on all day. If you are a sensitive parent, you might be nodding along thinking, yeah, I sometimes get this energy where I feel like I just need to scream and yell and hit a pillow after a busy day.
00:14:52
Speaker
That makes sense that you would feel that way. And sometimes our kids feel that way too. So when I was going through that with my highly sensitive daughter and she was hitting a lot, I would try and proactively help her find ways to get that hitting energy out. So some of the things that I would do with her would be, I would take all the pillows from the couch and I would pile them all up on the floor and we would push them. We would push them around the floor.
00:15:17
Speaker
And pushing that hitting energy out was one way that really helped her just get it out of her body before hurting someone. I would do things with her, like go to the wall and just do pushups together. Again, we're finding ways, like Dr. Garden and Neufeld to call this emotional playgrounds, right? So we're finding fun ways to get this hitting energy out of our body and also connect with our kids at the same time.
00:15:44
Speaker
You might do things like do a wheelbarrow race. Again, you have that pressure. Their hands are on the floor. Get your kids to do a wheelbarrow race with the hands on the floor and the other kid holds their feet and you run around the house. You might do things like tuck them in to the couch.
00:16:00
Speaker
Sometimes I'll do that. I actually just did that this morning with my daughters. I'll lay them on the couch and then I'll put a blanket around them. I'll tuck them in all tight and then I'll press down on them as a way just to get some pressure, some input. You might do things like teach them to clench and release their fists. So mindfulness activities, I think in that way can be really helpful. One of the things that Scott does such a good job of with, with our daughter is teach her how to kind of squeeze and release her body and and slow her pace down because she does get that energy and it makes her go really fast so they might sit together and he might just be like okay let's start with our toes let's try and squeeze our toes as tight as we can and then let's release it so you can do that type of thing with them to help them get the energy out in a positive way
00:16:53
Speaker
And what you'll find, especially if you have a child that's hitting because they just have this sensory need to hit, if you give them those tools, you'll find that you see less hitting because they're getting that energy out in a productive and positive way. And again, as a side effect of doing those things with your child, you're also getting that need for connection met. So try that out if you have a child who you think might be hitting for sensory reasons.
00:17:20
Speaker
Next we talked about hitting because I need a break. This is again really common. I actually saw this in one of my other daughters a lot. What would happen is Scott and I have giant families. We'd be at a big family reunion and all of a sudden she might come up and just hit me. What's going on here? Why are you hitting me? wherere I'm just sitting here nicely having a conversation. And then every time she would hit me I would go and take her to the bathroom. We'd wash our hands with some cold water. We'd take a break. And eventually I caught on and I realized, oh my goodness, every time she hits me, I take her to the bathroom and we have a break. Why don't I just recognize how much time? Usually it's like about 40 minutes in and meet her need before she asks.
00:18:06
Speaker
So what I would start to do, and I still do this at family gatherings, is if I realized, okay, we've been here for about 30 minutes. Why didn't I find my daughter? She's with all of her cousins. Take her to the bathroom. Let's just wash our hands. Let's take a couple deep breaths in the bathroom, and then we'll go back and we'll enter where the family is again. And I might do that a bunch of times during a busy gathering. And I might also teach my child to do that for herself if she's at something like a birthday party now that she's older and it's really loud and it's overstimulating and she's noticing that feeling in her body. And the feeling might not be specifically to hit, but there might be a feeling that's like, okay, this is too much, right? A feeling of too muchness in her body. She can identify that now because we've worked on this a lot of times. Now she's seven. And she might just go take that break for herself. Again,
00:18:58
Speaker
The school example, I mentioned that I see this a lot in school. I see this a lot in school. Children will be sent to the principal's office over and over again. I remember a little boy I worked with, he was always sent and they were like, what can we do? What other consequences can we add in? What punishments can we add in? And we got curious. We realized that it was every time math class or science class, like a biology, whatever,
00:19:23
Speaker
class something like that was happening this little boy was struggling he was really struggling in school and so he would start to throw spit balls he would start to hit his friends in school his impulse control would be lower and he would end up sitting in the principal's office to do his work Well, it got his need for a break from the classmate. And so what we did with him is we taught him a signal that he could show to the teacher so he didn't have to make a big deal of it that he needed to have a little break or that he needed to have some help. And so with our kids who hit or have other challenging behavior because they need a break or because they need some help, we can get them to have a secret signal, maybe with you, maybe with the teacher,
00:20:07
Speaker
that helps them get that need met before they hit or act out in any sort of way. Similar to my children, all of them, they all have a signal for when we go somewhere that they can show me or we'll have like a word, I'll be like, just say jellyfish if you need a break. And so they have the power to get that need met before they hit or have to engage in challenging behavior.
00:20:30
Speaker
So for the children who need a break, I would say i try and focus on proactively giving them those breaks, give them some sort of secret signal or some kind of sign to show you that they need a break so that they have control and that they know that they can get that need met. And then also I'd be curious about why they need a break.
00:20:48
Speaker
You know, why is this so overstimulating for them? Why is this so difficult, right? So the student in class, maybe they need some extra support with math. Maybe they need a tutor or someone to help them. A child who is always needing a break at home, maybe they need to have a quiet little spot in the house that they can go to, right? like When we were really struggling most with that, we turned a closet into a cozy corner. We put blankets and twinkly lights and pillows in that closet so that our children would have a space to go where they could have a break from the chaos of the baby screaming and the toddler crying and having meltdowns.
00:21:28
Speaker
And when we had that space that they could go to when they needed a break, we saw so much less challenging behavior. So again, as we get curious, see how we can meet our child's need before they have to engage in the behavior. Finally, we were talking about the need for an item or an activity.
00:21:50
Speaker
Right. So you might have your kids who hit because they really want the toy or they wanted the chocolate bar at the grocery store. And sometimes it is as simple as they just want this thing. And for those kids, and I mean, for all kids, they have to learn how to tolerate disappointment and ask for what they need. Right. So it there's two pieces to it.
00:22:14
Speaker
So the first piece, tolerating disappointment. Sometimes children just need new ways to be disappointed or sad that they can't have what they want. So you can always set boundaries around the hitting.
00:22:27
Speaker
Like that, I can't let you hit, you know, I won't let you hit your sister. We are so strict on hitting, it's not okay to hit. And those children might need some more support learning how to cope with feeling disappointed. And what we know with our toddlers, and if you've listened to the show for a long time, you know this to be true as well.
00:22:47
Speaker
We know that they can't regulate disappointment on their own yet, so they need your support. And, I mean, this is true for our preschool and our early school-aged children as well. So they might need some support in the feeling of disappointment that they're having when their sister is not ready to share a toy yet, or when they can't have that candy bar at the store.
00:23:07
Speaker
So it's okay to set a boundary around the hitting and those children might specifically need some support and some words into how they're feeling when they can't get what they want. And eventually the goal is that they will be able to use the words that you are speaking over them when they're disappointed to explain to you how they're feeling.
00:23:27
Speaker
So for example, my daughter right before I came here, she really wanted her sister's owl. She has this cute little owl stuffy. Its name is Owlette. And my older child was playing with it so nice. And the toddler comes over and she wants it. Well, no, my older child's having none of that. No, you can't have my toy. And my younger child desperately wants it. She also loves playing with this owl. And my older child says no. And my younger child tries to hit her. So I step in. I can't let you hit.
00:23:57
Speaker
It's not okay to hit your sister. It's okay to want owl. It's not okay to hit your sister. And she keeps trying to hit and I keep standing there. I won't let you hit. And then I go, man, it's disappointing when you can't get what you want. And she just starts bawling.
00:24:14
Speaker
And that's kind of what we need to get to with our kids when they're hitting about wanting an item or activity. We need to help them get to those tiers. We need to help them know that it's okay that they're disappointed and it's not okay to hurt someone when you're disappointed. And so by giving them those words,
00:24:30
Speaker
And yeah, we have to do it a lot of times, right? we We're not just teaching a child how to be disappointed once. We have to do it over and over and over. but By giving them the words, I'm feeling disappointed right now. I wish I could have the owl. I can't. And by providing them with comfort, eventually they will learn how to speak their own disappointment.
00:24:50
Speaker
and tolerate that feeling, which I mean, even as adults, how many of us struggle to tolerate the feeling of disappointment? I always think to myself when my children are crying because they can't have something that they want, I try and remind myself, what a gift. And I know Scott would be sitting here right now, rolling his eyes, like really Jess, you always have to make something be a gift. So I'll put in Scott's skeptical thing right there.
00:25:16
Speaker
But I always like to think to myself, what a gift I can help them learn how to cope with disappointment. I can be here with them. I can narrate the words that they don't have yet. Our children don't yet have the words to say.
00:25:32
Speaker
I'm feeling so disappointed, but they have the ability to act that out through hitting. So that's where when we narrate out what's actually going on in the situation, that actually is teaching them a new skill. And a lot of times parents feel like that's not enough, but often that is. Our children just need us to narrate out exactly what they're feeling, exactly what's going on. And if you're not quite sure what they're feeling, always say, do I have that right?
00:25:57
Speaker
Am I right? It seems like you're you're really disappointed because you want Owl and your sister has it. To have that right, just allow them into the conversation. And eventually, I see this in our seven year old, eventually they will have the words to describe how they're feeling and they won't need that behavior to express it to you.
Tailoring Parental Responses and Understanding Patterns
00:26:15
Speaker
So I know I just gave you a lot. I just gave you like a mini lesson on how to get curious and how to respond to hitting.
00:26:22
Speaker
But what I hope you'll take from this to the person who asked the question about, I'm trying to get curious and I don't know what to do next. I hope what you'll take from this is that if you are just doing this one script fits all approach to hitting, right? You feel like you're just saying, I won't let you hit. I can't let you hit over and over and over. And you're one of those people who's like, Jess,
00:26:43
Speaker
I feel like I need a consequence here. I feel like I need something to actually teach my child that hitting is not okay. I hope that you'll see why we get curious and why the way we respond might differ depending on why the behavior is happening.
00:26:59
Speaker
And if you're struggling to get curious, I also want you to know that that's okay. It's a skill. It takes time. And we're not necessarily asking our kids why the behavior is happening because they probably don't know. Getting curious really takes you observing and just being an observer of your child's behavior, right? When is this happening? What happens after it happens? You know, do I notice any patterns? In our parenting little kids course, I have a tracking sheet for you.
00:27:26
Speaker
right You might even start to track when is this behavior happening so that you can really get curious. You might notice a pattern that it's only at bedtime, or it's only after school, or like the child I was talking about at school, it's only in math and science class. So being a curious observer of your children means that you're just watching, you're trying to notice patterns, and with that you will start to understand their behavior at a bit of a deeper level.
00:27:51
Speaker
and again give yourself a lot of grace it's not always easy it's not always like oh clear connection there's trial and error and it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all approach but i hope that this will give you some different tools maybe perspectives things to try with your kids please let me know if this is helpful.
Conclusion and Audience Appreciation
00:28:10
Speaker
I hope that it helps to answer your question to the woman who who sent the question. And I mean, again, I could keep talking and talking and talking, but I'm gonna cut myself off here.
00:28:23
Speaker
Send us an email if you have more questions about this episode. If this was helpful for you and gave you a new perspective on how to get curious, I would love to hear that as well. And if you have questions for a future episode, please let me know. I'm just I'm so inspired by you. It's incredible. Like I can't even describe the feeling of you open your inbox and there's just so many parents in there who just want to do what's best for their children and just want to support them with their behavior.
00:28:49
Speaker
And I'm so incredibly inspired by you, as is Scott, and it's such an honor to be here and talk with you every single week. So thank you. Thank you for listening, for being here, and I can't wait to talk to you again next week.
00:29:06
Speaker
Hey friends, thank you so much for listening to today's episode. We are glad that you are here. If you enjoyed today's episode and found it interesting, we'd really appreciate it if you'd leave a rating and a review. Scott and I actually sit down together and read them all. A five star rating helps us share our podcast and get these important messages out there. Thank you so much for listening and we can't wait to talk to you again next time.