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Do Parents Really Love All Their Kids The Same?
7.8k Plays1 month ago
In this episode, Jess and Scott dive into the challenges of parenting multiple children and giving each child the love and attention they need.
Inspired by a viral social media post, they explore topics like balancing attention between babies and older kids, feelings of guilt and defensiveness as parents, and how children crave connection at all ages.
They provide helpful tips for recognizing children's bids for quality time, healing past parenting missteps, and finding small moments to connect amidst the chaos of family life.
This heartfelt discussion offers both validation and practical tips for parents in the thick of raising multiple kids.
Check out the Instagram post Jess reads here.
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Transcript
Introduction and Post Reading
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Robot Unicorn. We are so glad that you are here.
00:00:14
Speaker
Okay, Jess, this episode is a little bit different today. I'm excited about it. Are you? Yeah. Oh, that's good. So Jess wants to start this episode with a bit of a reading of, I'm not going to say poetry, but one of her posts, which are often akin to poetry.
00:00:31
Speaker
Yeah, I thought but we could try doing an episode where I read one of the posts that I've really been reflecting on a lot ever since I posted it. And then we go through some of the comments and and discuss some of the questions. So this is a post that I did in September 24, if you want to look back on it, on the nurtured first page. Like of this year? Of this year. Yeah, okay. Yep. And I'm just going to read it for you.
Reflections on Parenting and Attention
00:00:54
Speaker
A few years ago, I watched a mom on an airplane with her two kids. Her baby sat on her lap. Every time she looked down at him, she'd plant a kiss on the top of his bald head. Over the course of the plane ride, she gave him hundreds of tiny kisses on his cheeks, his head, his forehead. She smiled at him and he cooed back at her. Beside her sat her preschooler. He would also try to lay his head on his mom's lap.
00:01:18
Speaker
He tried talking to his mom. He'd show her his coloring. But instead of hundreds of tiny kisses, her preschooler was told, don't be so loud. You're gonna wake the baby. Stop touching me. By the end of the flight, the preschooler wasn't wanting to listen to mom anymore.
00:01:34
Speaker
I had three small kids of my own when I witnessed this scene. I knew exactly how the mom felt. Sometimes when you're with your baby, your older kids can feel like a lot. It's easy to forget that they need tiny kisses too. Witnessing this was like looking into a mirror. I'd been so focused on my baby that I'd become incredibly irritable and short with my big kids. And the less tiny moments I gave them, the more they struggled and pulled away.
00:01:59
Speaker
They weren't being bad. They weren't manipulating me. They were grieving their tiny moments. The kisses had stopped for a time. I started wondering to myself how I could still give these tiny moments of connection to my kids as they grew. Maybe it wasn't always in tiny kisses and coups. Maybe there were hundreds of other tiny ways I could show my love.
00:02:19
Speaker
Since this time, I've never forgotten the idea of giving tiny moments to my big kids. I make sure they know they are just as loved and as important as their little sister.
Reactions and Parenting Decisions
00:02:29
Speaker
This often looks like whispering, I love you. Tiny notes in their lunch, making their favorite food for dinner, a smile, a wink, or simply a thumbs up from across the room.
00:02:39
Speaker
And yes, still kisses and hugs too. So let this be a reminder to you too, that even as your kids grow and you stop kissing their tiny heads, hands and feet all day long, remember that the tiny moments of connection still matter. And when we do them, it often gives us the gift of feeling connected with our child too. Very nice. So that was the post and I loved writing that one.
00:03:03
Speaker
And it's true. I've always had this idea in my head of give babies all these kisses and this love. And I see it in everyone that has a baby, right? Just kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss all day long. And then they become a toddler and we're just like, why are you doing this? You know, you don't ever listen to me. And somewhere along the way, we just, we stop giving them those tiny kisses. But I see it even in our seven and a half year old, right? Like she still needs that. But it just looks different. Like she doesn't want the kisses anymore.
00:03:33
Speaker
um Well, she's yeah she does. Sometimes. She does. Sometimes. She likes it when we both kiss her on either cheek at the same time and squish her face in. But it's easy to forget how little the older kids are, especially when you have a baby. Yeah, right. I found, oh my goodness, I remember I still feel so guilty about this sometimes. Like we have our baby and then the toddler seems so old, you know, with both the kids when they have them. Yeah, all of a sudden your expectations drastically increase for that child who's a little bit older, but is not that far off being a baby still. Like only a year or two older.
00:04:10
Speaker
Like I remember that one with our middle daughter. Like she was my baby. She was the my angel, my baby. And then I had a baby and the next day all of a sudden she's this big toddler. You know, it's like crazy how quick that shift happens in your mind. So this post really stuck with me. I loved writing it. I love reading it. Apparently with a lot of people too. There's a lot of comments. There's a lot of likes and whatever. It made certain people feel different. Some people loved it and were like, thank you for the reminder. Other people felt like it justified them in making certain decisions in life. Other people were maybe annoyed by it. So or we felt like it would be good to go through some of these comments and just discuss yeah together.
Balancing Attention Among Siblings
00:04:49
Speaker
And one that I found that I think is good to start with. And I might paraphrase it a little bit just to make it sound a little more complete. But this person said that they've been there and as the older kid in the family. It felt like you're never wanted. You just existed and you're even kind of annoying.
00:05:06
Speaker
It made them realize that no parents nor any other human can love their children equally and that made them choose to only have one child because they felt like they couldn't love more than one child enough for what they actually needed based on what they grew up with.
00:05:21
Speaker
And there were close to 40 comments underneath that one comment. Some people debating it, other people agreeing, other people saying sorry, they felt that way. And I felt like one person commented and I was thinking, you know what, I feel like this is accurate. We as parents, so you and I, I would say we both would say we love all three of our children equally.
00:05:44
Speaker
which is not 100% of our time and attention, right? Because we have three kids, so it's not possible to give them that time and attention that they need 100% of the time. But this person said, as much as parents say that they love each child equally, it probably won't feel that way. to the kids when they get older. The experiences of the kids will likely be different from what we would say now. So it's it's quite possible that in the future one of our daughters will think that we loved the others more than we loved them. So I think that's a good thing to remember too, that yeah, we hadn't. Like, let's say we have a baby and then all of a sudden the toddler and the older child, like we're not giving them the same attention that we gave them before. And that changes. Like now, I would say we give all three of them equal attention. I wouldn't say any one of them is left out any more than the others, but it may not feel that way to them. to them later in life when they reflect on it. So it's, I don't know. How do you as a parent try and make sure each, if you have more than one child or should you just have one child? I mean, I know the answer that we would give is no. It's you can still love all of your children equally and a hundred percent, but you just can't give them the same amount of time and attention that you could before. Yeah. But is that wrong?
00:07:06
Speaker
Right. I feel like it's a conversation we've had when we decided to most likely be done with three kids. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That is probably the main reason why we had a big conversation about that. And we're like, you know what, for us, because we both also work and there's a lot going on, we felt like three kids, you're already pretty stretched.
00:07:24
Speaker
in terms of like trying to give everybody attention and at the degree that we want to give them the love and attention that we felt like for us, three kids felt like we can still give them the love and attention that we want. But if we have more in this season of life, it just doesn't feel like we could do that. Yeah. And maybe that'll change. I don't know. Right. At this point, that's why I say it could change, but that's how we feel right now. Yeah. Like how, how do you give them all the attention and the love that they need? I think it goes maybe in stages and based on like, yeah, we love them all equally, but sometimes what's fair is that other kids need more attention and love than others, depending on the season. Right. And then I think it's also a tuning in with yourself, right? Like I told you this morning, I'm like,
00:08:07
Speaker
I've been feeling a little disconnected with our oldest because you've been spending so much time with her and you've been bonding with her doing all sorts of stuff, but I haven't had special one-on-one time with her in a while. So I'm kind of craving that and missing that. yeah And so for me, it's like, I got to tune in with that and be like,
00:08:23
Speaker
My toddler and my middle child, they always want me. So it's easy for me to spend lots of time with them, right? Our oldest daughter gravitates towards your interests and hobbies, so I just have to be more intentional. And so I think it's attuning in with yourself as a parent and also recognizing that you won't do it all perfect.
Challenges for Middle Children
00:08:41
Speaker
Like there'll be times like in that post when I said like, oh my goodness, I've been just giving my baby tiny kisses and not my older kids. And don't beat yourself up over that, but just be like, okay, I'm noticing that. So now what can I do to make sure that they get some of that time and attention from me, you know?
00:08:57
Speaker
Something that I've thought about often since we've had our third daughter yeah is I know that often, and maybe this is just anecdotally like I know this, but the middle child often feels left out. And I would say it's likely because the oldest child is doing everything for the first time. So like as parents, we're trying to keep up with, okay, this is the next thing. Yeah.
00:09:18
Speaker
the second child or the middle child is like following in the footsteps of the oldest and then your youngest is the baby like you don't stop treating them as the baby because they were the latest one to be the baby so it's just like they're treated as the baby and they're doing everything and in your mind when it's your youngest it's like maybe your last yeah right right oh it's our last time she's gonna be in a diaper not nostalgic this is the right word but like It's like nostalgia for the present moment, yeah right? It's like, oh, I just know I'm going to miss this. I'm just going to enjoy it. Right. So she's the one that I'm concerned about yeah is that she will have that feeling later in life, like only because she's the middle. And I feel like I try and actually spend extra time with her just because of that. Yeah. So that she doesn't. But that's the thing, like this person said, just because we are saying we give our children equal attention and love doesn't mean that they will feel that that's what they received.
00:10:11
Speaker
And that's something that for us as parents. we have to be ready to receive at some point when they're adults. You know, I think we can do everything we can to try and treat them equally and fairly and tune in with ourselves. But there may become a point in time where our middle daughter says, you know what? I didn't feel it. Right. Or maybe it'll be one of the other ones. I don't know. Like it's the only reason I say that I'm most concerned about her is because I know that you often hear like I have heard from middle kids that they just felt like they were kind of forgotten. And you hear from oldest kids that they have too much responsibility put on them. And I see that in our oldest sometimes, right? And I have to catch myself. I'm like, Hey, you're older. You should know better. You should, you know, I'd have to catch myself. And then I see in the baby that they feel like their siblings were off doing their own thing and they weren't included or, you know, they were always seen as
Deciding Family Size
00:11:01
Speaker
littler than they were. And I see that in our baby who's not even a baby, but we still call her a baby, you know, they're all going to have their own journey in life and
00:11:10
Speaker
we could do our very, very best, but I want to be open to receiving that feedback when that happens someday and have that conversation with them. Right. So that goes back to the original comment that I i read, which was that this person decided that because of this, because they didn't feel like you could actually love more than one child yeah enough, they decided only to have one. Right. And what do you feel about that?
00:11:34
Speaker
I so support parents who decide to only have one kid. I think that for some parents, like that's their journey and I think that that makes so much sense for them and I respect it. I respect knowing what your capacity is and what you're able to handle and what's going to feel right for you.
00:11:50
Speaker
And so I don't think I'm in a position to comment on how many children someone should have, right? So some people can have five children and spread their love in a beautiful way. For us, we're thinking the number is three. For some people, that's two. You have to know yourself and what you can handle. And for some people, it's no kids. And I 100% support people who say, I love kids or I respect you for having three kids, but I could never, it's not my path. And I respect that too.
Mom-Shaming and Constructive Parenting
00:12:18
Speaker
There's quite a few comments on this topic. What about the comments of saying, I don't know if you're seeing that because I know you're reading them right now, but yeah I got a lot of DMs from this post being like, Hey Jess, this is really mom shaming. I feel like you're trying to make us feel guilty or like bad parents. What would you say to the parents who say that?
00:12:37
Speaker
This might not sound the nicest, but I feel like you can't get offended over everything. Like in a situation like this, you're trying to explain a situation that you saw and what you think of the situation. It's not like you're trying to shame any one person for doing it because it's very easy to get to that point of just not remembering, hey, this older kid, it's not actually that much older than my baby. So I think when people take offense to things like this,
00:13:06
Speaker
which is a lot of the content I put out. Yeah, people will get offended consistently. And I just think if you're getting offended by it, you really need to look inwardly at why you're getting offended by this, because I don't think anything that you put out there, the intention is not to shame any person for doing something a certain way. It's to remind you, hey, this is something for you to consider, because let's say in this situation, your older child is still a child too, and they still need your love.
00:13:33
Speaker
And sometimes being a parent is very busy and exhausting, chaotic at times. And sometimes we just need that reminder to look at our older children as children still and children who need our time and attention and love.
00:13:48
Speaker
So I just, I don't know. Like when people get offended by stuff that you talk about, I feel like they're completely missing the point and then immediately not thinking logically about like what they're reading. They're just thinking maybe, maybe it's because they're so tired and they're living in that chaos. But in a world, should you feel guilty about the situation, it's just good to remember. And then, okay, yeah we can move on from the situation we're in right now. I think people's defenses go up because it's easier to say just as a mom shamer than to say, oh shoot, you know what, you're right. Like I haven't been giving my older kids the snuggles or the quality time that they need. That's hard to say.
00:14:31
Speaker
And I respect that. And what I i think is like when you feel that guilt or those defenses, like let that be a messenger. like Don't let that tell you that, oh, you're the worst parent in the world because you forgot to like
Healing Past Mistakes
00:14:44
Speaker
do that. Like, in no world are you are you saying that, right? No. So to be offended by it because people think that you're saying that just doesn't make any sense to me because that's not... If you even read it, you see like that's not the point of this. it's to be a gentle reminder to look at your older children as children still and children deserving love and attention still. Yeah, and just just treat that defensiveness or that guilt as a bit of a messenger and be like, okay, I'm feeling defensive. I'm feeling guilty. I don't need to sit in this.
00:15:14
Speaker
You know, it's just a reminder that I can tune in with my toddler and just let it be that, just a reminder. I think we guilt ourselves so, so, so much. And sometimes we just need to read these posts or stories and be like, hey, it's just a gentle reminder for me. Next time I see my toddler to give them a thumbs up or to give them a wink or a little kiss on the cheek, right?
00:15:36
Speaker
And just let it be that and and don't sit and drown in your own guilt. Like you don't need that. You're busy enough. You don't need to feel so guilty. And that's a reminder for me too. Cause I, I am one to struggle with, with feeling guilty. So I get that. And that's kind of why I wrote the post because I was the mom in that situation that felt bad. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So it's nice to like share a story to help others experience something similar to you, but like remember it more quickly than exactly maybe you would have.
00:16:03
Speaker
I was that mom. Like I remember, man, it was hard when you had the baby and you have a toddler who wants you all the time. Like it's, it's hard to spread your love so much. There's a lot of comments from people and some even saying like, I am 35 years old and still feel this way about my family and still feel like because I'm the oldest, my parents favorite is the youngest in the family. And I mean, it's a reminder that no matter how old you are, you do crave that connection with your parents. You always will want that. And that doesn't make you some bad needy 35 year old kid, right? It's natural and normal to want to feel seen by your parents, no matter how old you are. And hey, if you're a grandparent listening, maybe a nice reminder, you know, call your kids. Tell them that you're thinking about them. Tell them you're proud of them. Yeah.
Children's Requests for Attention
00:16:51
Speaker
And like one person says it's, it isn't possible to change the past, but you may be able to heal the effects of what happened in the past as a parent.
00:16:59
Speaker
like with your kids, right? So like if you were a little short with them, but you're at the same time, you're giving your baby kisses and giving them love and affection. So it's, it's possible to heal, let's say the effects of it by having that time and connection. Unfortunately, sometimes we cannot behave fairly in giving our love and attention to each of our children, although we try to be. So I, I think they're saying similar things. That seems honestly seems to be the, the comment that I'm seeing the most in this I feel like maybe that's a nice place to kind of wrap up this episode. I have one last story that I think will nicely kind of wrap up this topic. So one day when I had our second daughter was a baby and our oldest was three, our second daughter was kind of a needy baby. I think she was really loud and she always wanted to be held. You know, she didn't nap super well, but when- Oh, I was right at the start of COVID too. So like everything was just all weird. Everything was stressful and awful, you know?
00:17:53
Speaker
So one day finally, first time ever, I got her down to sleep in her bassinet. So she's sleeping in her bassinet. And the first thing I think of in my head is like, I've got to clean the fridge. It's a disaster, right? So I go downstairs, I open the fridge and are three my three-year-old's there and I'm like, why don't you help me clean the fridge? So she helps me clean the whole fridge. We clean it together. She sprays it with the water. We do the whole cleaning.
00:18:17
Speaker
Then, okay, it's like 35 minutes later, she's a newborn, she wakes back up, and that's done, the cleaning the fridge is done. The next day, my toddler goes, mom, we need to clean the fridge. I go, oh, no, we don't, we just cleaned it yesterday. All right, she's fine with that. The next day, mom, we should clean the fridge again. No, look, we just cleaned it, it's still clean. The next day, mom, we really need to clean the fridge. And I say, hun, why do you keep saying this?
00:18:41
Speaker
and she just has a full-blown meltdown like mom we have to clean the fridge you know and as she's melting down and laying on the floor all i can think to myself is this isn't about the fridge and like my head goes back to what did cleaning the fridge represent to her alone time, the one-on-one connection. We sprayed each other with water, we giggled, and we had that time 30 minutes together for the first time since the newborn was there. And this entire meltdown about cleaning the fridge wasn't about her shaming me for being dirty, you know? It was about the fact that cleaning the fridge represented quality time.
00:19:17
Speaker
And I leave parents with that story because how many times are our kids having meltdowns about things? And we're just like, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. When really this meltdown is about craving relationship with you. And if we can see it as that, and when I understood, Oh, it's not about cleaning the fridge. It's about relationship and time with me. It shifted my entire perspective. And so instead of cleaning the fridge with her,
00:19:41
Speaker
I found other ways to connect with her even while my newborn was awake and being like, oh my goodness, she's missing me and I'm missing her too. And sometimes our kids will remind us of that by having meltdowns about things completely unrelated to being with you. And when we can just shift our perspective, it can really change the way that we help our kids. And like that person said,
00:20:04
Speaker
We can't change the past. I couldn't change that having a COVID baby was incredibly stressful and I wasn't as connected with our toddler as I used to be. You know, I couldn't change any of the past, but I could use that opportunity to change the future and try and use those tiny moments to connect with her more.
00:20:20
Speaker
Yeah. Well, what I find interesting when you're saying that story, I remember you telling me that at the time. Yeah. Cause I think it was on like some work trip or whatever. And I notice even now, like we're moving and we're packing and the girls are like demanding to help us pack when you would think that they would want to have nothing to do with it. They want to be a part of it. And even if they're not actually helping and they're making it more difficult, yeah they are essentially demanding to do it so that they can be with us. And like I've noticed that because yeah, we've probably been a little bit busier. And so they're saying, we want to help you pack. Like, can we help? And then like they're handing us stuff and they're just having, we're having little conversations with them while we're doing that. And what is it? It's not of about packing. It's about quality time. Well, they would much rather be doing other things, but it's it's that quality time. up bit i I know for a fact that that's what they're craving from us. And your kids will crave quality time and they'll tell you they want to help you clean the fridge or they want to help you pack or they want to be part of you cleaning out your minivan or whatever it is and just lean into those opportunities. Especially when you're in the trenches and you have like these small babies at home too, sometimes those tiny moments come in allowing your child to help you with something.
00:21:31
Speaker
Like let them help you pack, let them help you do the dishes. Sure it takes longer, but yeah you know what, they're there, they're spending that quality time with you. And that's my whole thing when I talk about tiny moments is like, take those moments, take those opportunities.
Conclusion and Encouragement
00:21:45
Speaker
to connect with them, even if it's not playing, and it will go a far way for you and for them. Well, I think that's a good place to end. Yeah. It's a nice short episode for people this week. Yeah, I feel like I'm ready to go cry, you know. Of course. Always. But I hope that this episode helped you, especially if you are that parent that's in the thick of it. We know how that feels and we know how hard that is. And believe me, we did not in any way do things perfectly when Nope. All of our kids were little and we didn't always have those tiny moments. So I hope that this will be a nice reminder for you, but also give yourself a lot of grace because those moments are are tricky. They're hard and you'll get through it. It won't be that hard forever.
00:22:30
Speaker
Hey friends, thank you so much for listening to today's episode. We are glad that you are here. If you enjoyed today's episode and found it interesting, we'd really appreciate it if you'd leave a rating and a review. Scott and I actually sit down together and read them all. A five star rating helps us share our podcast and get these important messages out there. Thank you so much for listening and we can't wait to talk to you again next time.