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Is It Ok To Tease Your Kids?
5.9k Plays10 days ago
In this laughter-filled episode, Scott and Jess dive into the delicate balance of teasing and playfulness with kids. They discuss how to be playful without going too far, share hilarious stories about their family's creative characters like "Sean" the hand puppet, and provide practical tips for connecting with children through humour.
Some important topics discussed in the episode include:
- Recognizing how a child's understanding of humour develops with age
- Respecting boundaries around teasing
- Using playfulness as a tool to connect with kids and diffuse tense situations
Listeners will gain valuable strategies for bringing more fun and laughter into their parenting while avoiding potentially hurtful teasing.
Do you want to be a more playful parent but aren’t sure where to start? The Playful Parent Toolkit is full of easy games and playful tools to do with your kids. Learn more about The Playful Parent Toolkit here.
Get 10% OFF parenting courses and kids' printable activities at Nurtured First using the code ROBOTUNICORN.
We’d love to hear from you! Have questions you want us to answer on Robot Unicorn? Send us an email: [email protected].
Learn more about The Body Safety Toolkit here!
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Transcript
Introduction to Robot Unicorn Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Robot Unicorn. We are so glad that you are here. As always, let's start the show with a question from Scott.
Social Media Misunderstandings
00:00:18
Speaker
Okay, I do actually have a list of questions, so I'll keep my phone handy. Hopefully people don't get mad at me for doing the same thing that you did to me. Oh, I know. I got in trouble on Instagram. We posted a reel and I was reading Q and A's since Scott was talking and a whole bunch of people were messaging me saying that they felt I was
Teasing as Affection
00:00:35
Speaker
rude to Scott. Thank you for always coming in. I feel like the audience is always in your defense. oh Maybe one day I'll be stood up for.
00:00:44
Speaker
Well, some people have stood up for you too. Yeah. They think I tease you too much. Oh yeah. Someone did say that they were worried that you tease me too much. Which is an amazing segue actually into today's topic. That might be the best segue you've had so far. Wow. It's almost as though I'm learning how to do this. No. All right. Well, we'll see.
00:01:05
Speaker
Okay.
Teasing's Impact on Children
00:01:06
Speaker
Justin, I want to talk about teasing our kids and I specifically I've had a few questions rolling in my mind about this topic because as people may become maybe more aware of now, I love teasing. It's my love language. It's something that I just, I don't know, I enjoy. Just poking fun and teasing and you do it to me in return. I'm very serious. Yeah, of course. But it's something that I do with our girls too. Yeah, I'd say we're quite playful with them. We tease them. I feel like the word tease... Yeah, maybe there's a negative connotation that comes along with the word tease. Well, and that's kind of what we wanted to talk about today. Like when is it negative, right? Yeah.
00:01:46
Speaker
So I'm just wondering, are there negative effects to teasing your kids? Or is there a line at which it's too far?
Daughter's Growing Awareness
00:01:54
Speaker
Because I've noticed, especially with our oldest daughter, she's starting to get to the point where she actually kind of becomes embarrassed and like doesn't want us to do certain things in front of her friends or her classmates that previously she wouldn't have cared about.
00:02:07
Speaker
yeah And now she's getting to that point where she's like, not that she's self-conscious, but she's aware of the fact that there are other kids around and that they might think something that we do or say is a little bit weird or it's making fun of her. Not that we necessarily make fun of her, but I think she's aware that other kids might find our dynamic a little funny. Right. It's like something that's like maybe an inside joke in the home or something we say to like bug her in the home that she finds funny in the home. Like she'll laugh about it, but then she is expressed to us and we're not going to share specifically what it is again, because we don't want to embarrass her. But she's expressed to us that if we said the same thing, that's funny in the home in front of her friends, that would be embarrassing. And she would not like that, which I actually think like to start when your child sets up boundary with you, you have to respect it. But do you think all kids would do that? like No, but i I think the fact that she did is huge. She's a pretty confident little girl. But I just wonder, like at that age, would you have done the same thing?
Childhood Teasing Experiences
00:03:04
Speaker
I actually, I'm similar to our oldest daughter. I think I did set those boundaries with my parents and they were pretty good at respecting it. Cause my, my parents were also, there was a lot of joking and teasing. There still is when I'm around my family and we have a lot of fun together. We do a lot of laughing. And I do remember times when I would say like, but please don't say this in front of so-and-so. And that would be respected. yeah So I think for me, I would have said that, but I know a lot of people when they were young didn't feel like they had a voice to say that.
00:03:32
Speaker
Okay, so going back to my original question, is there a point at which it's too far? Is, like, playfulness teasing okay? Tell me, parenting expert, what are we supposed to do? I almost want to flip it back to you and say, can you think of a time when maybe it did go too far? Not off the top of my head, honestly. I can. When I did it too far? No, me. Oh, okay, yeah. I feel like, for myself, I am so aware of what could potentially be embarrassing. I'm, like, hyper aware. Well, because you're easily embarrassed.
00:04:01
Speaker
Am I easily embarrassed? Maybe. I don't know. I feel like you're a little more like, I have a protective layer, you know, trying to make sure that I look a certain way. Let's
School Photo Incident
00:04:10
Speaker
unpack that. Okay. That's a whole other trauma. Okay. No, I want to tell you a story of a time when I took teasing and I didn't think about the way it would impact our daughter.
00:04:19
Speaker
So she had this school picture and it was so cute. And this is a few years ago. And in the picture she had this smile and it's a smile she never does. Like I've never seen this girl smile in this way before. And the picture was adorable. Like I loved it. And she was probably five at the time, maybe six.
00:04:38
Speaker
Yeah. She was in senior kindergarten. Yeah. So five or six. And I saw the picture and my first thing I said was, what's that smile? You know, and I, and I started kind of bugging her. I'm like, I've never seen you smile like that before. What's with that smile in this picture? And For me, it was coming from a place of like, I think this is so cute. But at that time, five or six, she didn't understand yet that that was me being like, you're so cute. This is why I'm saying this. And she didn't tell us right away, but she took it as, you didn't like my smile in this picture. And then a while later, my cousin actually caught her practicing how to smile in a mirror. And she said, well, mommy didn't like my smile in my school picture. Yeah.
00:05:20
Speaker
So I feel like that's a perfect example of like, I'm just trying to be playful and I think she's cute. And I actually don't mean anything mean by it, but she, because she's a child with a brain that hasn't developed yet at that age, the ability to understand humor or understand that I'm actually meaning well. And I think she looks so cute. She took that as mommy doesn't like my smile. I better practice.
Children's Humor Maturity
00:05:40
Speaker
It's more, I think, from what I've just seen. And this is anecdotally that I've seen we have three kids at different ages. Each of them understands humor, but the older they get, the more nuance they understand. So our oldest might understand sarcasm, but our four-year-old doesn't get it and thinks you're always serious with whatever you say. So if you say, I'm going to eat your legs or something like that,
00:06:03
Speaker
She'll be like, no, don't eat my egg. So you can't use that joke around her because she doesn't understand the nuance of like, or different styles of humor. Yeah. So I think to go back to your original question, when does teasing go too far? I think we need to understand that teasing and humor is a skill and something that develops as your child's brain matures. And so be mindful that sometimes the jokes that you think might be funny or playful or good in nature might actually be hurtful to them, especially for me, that situation is really eyeopening. I felt super bad about it. And yeah, that's pretty sad.
00:06:38
Speaker
It reminded me that like especially jokes about appearance should be off the table. Like I even think even when they start to understand humor, we take any jokes about appearance off the table. Like I would never joke about like their size or their smile. I just think that sets us up for making them feel self-conscious. I'm trying to think if there's, is that actually always the case? I don't know. Can you think of an exception to that rule?
00:07:04
Speaker
I don't think so. But yeah, I'm just wondering, like, is there a, can you say such a black and white thing? Like we never do anything based on appearance. I mean, our oldest has no problem teasing us about how the, how we're getting old. Well, yeah she does like to tease us. She just drew a picture of both of us recently and had wrinkles on our foreheads and wrinkles under our eyes, wrinkles by our nose. And I said, do you really think I looked that wrinkly? And she goes, yeah.
00:07:34
Speaker
What? She actually said the opposite to me. Cause I asked them. Oh really? That's funny. I asked the same question and she's like, no, I just think it's funny. So I will say that. In the like example I gave, she was five, she was young, she didn't understand humor. Now she's turning eight this year. And I feel like she understands humor in a deeper way. Yeah. Again, she understood humor, but she just didn't understand the nuance of the ribbing or teasing that you were giving her. Yeah, she didn't understand the nuance. I think there's it's different than saying she doesn't understand humor, no? Like you're saying she doesn't understand humor at five or six, but that's not true. Oh yeah. The understanding is just different and the nuance might not be there. So maybe let's talk about
Family Teasing Dynamics
00:08:15
Speaker
that. Like what does appropriate teasing playfulness look like kind of across the ages and stages? And then how do you stop yourself from embarrassing your kids? Like where's that line from you're being mean or you're being embarrassing to you're being playful and teasing yeah and having fun in the home.
00:08:32
Speaker
I feel like I'm quite conscious of what could be potentially embarrassing for them. So I don't like for myself, I don't know that maybe I should ask our girls, I don't know, tonight when we get home, if there's anything I've ever done that's embarrassed them. So for you, where's that line? Where's the line between embarrassing and teasing?
00:08:50
Speaker
I don't know, maybe I'm just such an expert at teasing that it's just, like, so natural to me that I don't even think about it. But, like, the style of humor that I use with each of them is very different. Like, with our youngest, I'll just play, like, a game that's... I guess it's not teasing, it's just being playful. I'm, like, kind of wrestling with her or whatever, and then she'll say stop, and then I stop. Nothing there could be embarrassing. But that's the style of fun or humor that she would understand, or I pretend to be a funny animal or something like that. And then with our middle daughter, who's four, that might be, I don't know, like last night before bed, we were wrestling on our bed and I was picking her up and then dropping her on our bed. And then we were jumping right now. We're in the midst of moving. So we have the girls matches on the floor. We created Megabed.
00:09:35
Speaker
and we were pretending they were boats and she was jumping from one to the other and I would accidentally fall into the water and she would start giggling and like that kind of humor but I know for her I've recognized that she takes it way too seriously if I say I don't know like I'm a dinosaur and I'm gonna eat you up or something like that yeah she does not understand that she thinks you're being serious when you say that you're gonna eat her so then she doesn't like that as much And I think especially with our four year old, she's very sensitive.
Mindful Teasing
00:10:01
Speaker
She takes on- She's probably more like me that way, right? She's more like you. She takes on other people's emotions quickly. And she also would be one to like sit and think. So if you made a teasing kind of comment to her about anything, and I think it's important that parents recognize this because a lot of times parents, grandparents, they'll tease kids. Like I remember one time we were in a restaurant, someone teased our kid. Oh, you're such a big eater. You ate every single thing on your plate. And look at that belly, like a- I don't remember that. Yeah, I don't know if you were there or not. This was a long time ago with our oldest and they were talking about her big belly. And and I think culturally this person meant well, but I could see her like look down at her belly, right? And be like,
00:10:40
Speaker
You know, and I think that we really need to be mindful, especially with all kids, we should not be teasing them about things that they can't understand or that they might think is real, right? So I think of that a lot with our four-year-olds because I know she'd be one to internalize teasing if it goes too far. So I'm also very mindful about the way we play with her or the way we tease her because I know she'll take it on and she'll remember and look, five weeks later, she would tell us yeah if we said something, right? Yeah. I mean, there have been times where we have a conversation, like she was asking about my family, like the family dynamics that I have. Yeah. And I would mention something to her and I would think she's not paying attention. She doesn't really care. But all of a sudden, two nights later, I'd be putting her to bed and should be asking me a question directly from the conversation that I had
00:11:27
Speaker
had with her that I thought she wasn't even paying attention to. Yeah. Some kids are like that where they will act as though they don't care or they're not internalizing what you're saying, but then several days later, they're still thinking about it. And I would say the same goes, and we'll talk about the older kids, but the same goes for the interactions that we are having. Like I feel like maybe that's been more of an issue for our kids, maybe not. where we will tease each other, but they won't always understand that we're not fighting. You know? That's true. Remember? So you guys know, if you listen to the podcast, Scott and I tease each other pretty good. And we like to just joke and we'll pretend we're angry at each other, but we're actually not. And we'll do that at home too. Like we tease each other quite a bit at home. And I remember one time We were teasing each other, kind of bickering, but we weren't actually angry at each other at all. And our oldest caught on just to the conversation. I don't know if you remember this a couple of years ago, and she sat us down. She all literally separated us. so
00:12:25
Speaker
She thought we were actually fighting. We weren't. She separated us. So she brought me to my room. She brought Scott to her room. said You guys need a break from each other. So she did like what we might do, parenting. Then she sat with each of us. And at first we thought she was in on the joke. Yeah, we thought she was a part of the joke. Yeah, we thought she just knew we were joking and was making this whole big, you know, dramatized thing out of it.
00:12:48
Speaker
And then eventually we realized, oh no, she's serious. Like she genuinely thinks Scott and I are fighting right now. And she's genuinely trying to give us a break from each other, calm us both down and then bring us back together, which I mean is so mature of her, but also totally not her responsibility. And also totally we weren't even mad. No, not at all. We were joking with each other and pretending we were. So when we recognized that, we were like, Oh no, she, again, at that age, probably around five or six did not understand that the conversation that we were having was playful and teasing and just funny and thought it was serious. And so then we had to actually stop her. We all came together and we had to talk about how we were actually just joking. We weren't actually mad at each other.
00:13:31
Speaker
But ever since that interaction, I've been very mindful about the way we tease each other in front of the kids. I don't want them to think that we're actually fighting. I don't want them to think that we don't like each other. And I don't want them to take on our tone, right? So if we have like a tone of annoyance towards each other, but we know we're two like mature
Secure Teasing Relationships
00:13:50
Speaker
adults who spend literally every single hour of every single day together. So sometimes we just are like that. That doesn't mean it's okay. Say that in a nicer way, Jen. It doesn't mean it's okay for them to talk to their friends in that tone, right? Because we're playing, someone said the other day, like, even Scott are so flirty with each other. I was like, oh boy. Oh boy. Is this flirting? I don't know. But like we're being playful with each other, but they might hear our tone and then use it with a friend, but that's actually not appropriate. So I feel like that's where humor can start to have. these more nuanced conversations that we can now have with our now almost eight year old. So to circle back to the question of the different stages. So now with our older daughter and as she gets older, humor looks a little bit different. I think she's able to understand now this element of playfulness.
00:14:37
Speaker
and she'll give it back to us. And again, that's our family, that's our dynamic, that's our values. Every person might have humor look a different way. I actually would love to hear people's experiences with humor. Like, I've always wanted to talk to a Nurture First audience about this, and now I can talk to Robot Unicorn. like Because so many families are like, I didn't grow up in a funny family. Like, we never joked, we never had humor. I'm curious about you. Like, was there joking ever in the house? Humor?
00:15:03
Speaker
You're asking me? Yeah. Oh, I mean, I'm sure there was some. It's all clouded over. Bye. trauma Cause I feel like for me growing up, like laughter. Yeah. That's always been a part of. That was such a big part of my family. What brought us together, watching funny movies and shows, laughing together, making jokes. Yeah. That's why I enjoyed hanging out with your family. Cause even like watching the office, you and your dad have contagious laughter. So as soon as you start laughing, everyone else starts laughing along with you.
00:15:35
Speaker
Yeah. And we both enjoy funny things a lot. Like something people don't know about me is like, I love watching comedy and studying. Just thinks she could become a standup comedian. I told Scott and then I tried. He's like, I said in a different, no, in my second career, like someone said, well, I'll never retire. Let's be honest.
00:15:54
Speaker
But maybe when I'm like 70 and I'm still doing the work as a therapist, because I'll do this forever, but then maybe as a retirement gig, I'll also do some comedy. That's what you'll do, yeah. Scott doesn't think I'm funny enough for that. And then he was like, well, show me what you do. And I literally could not think of one thing that I would say. Show me. I put you on the spot. I was like, I actually have nothing. But I do love studying in comedians, watching comedy. Anyway,
00:16:23
Speaker
It's a big part for me. i I really enjoy that actually. I think the biggest thing is we are just constantly sarcastic with each other. Yeah. Which I recognize might be the lowest form of humor, but it makes us laugh. What I wanted to talk about though is, and you're going to not like this. Oh no. But when you're talking about being playful with your kids, that's kind of a separate thing. When you're talking about joking with them, it has to stem from a secure relationship, right? Because if you made some sarcastic jokes to me, you know me so well that, you know, I'm not actually going to be offended by it. And same back for you. Like I've actually been worried about our team at times because we are so sarcastic with each other that it could seem like we are a mad at yeah mad at each other, but I think everyone gets it now.
00:17:09
Speaker
And you know my limits, right? You know there are certain things. And I will always push past those limits. No, you don't. But you know that there are certain things that I do not find funny. And if you try to tease me about it, it will make me mad. yeah So you know the boundary and I know the boundary for you. I don't have any boundary. Do I? I can't say you'd be too offended. I just know. I just secretly know the boundaries. I'm not going to tell you because then you'd be offended.
00:17:34
Speaker
But with our children, we need to have that same thing, right? You can't just go and start being sarcastic with your kids if you don't have that foundation of that relationship with them and you also don't know their boundaries, right? Like what will they actually find funny and what is
Harmful Teasing Examples
00:17:51
Speaker
rude? And I think a lot of people who follow this page grew up in a home where people thought they were being funny and it wasn't funny and it was a very offensive and it impacted them long term. Is that just a lack of self-awareness though? Joking to that extent that you don't yeah recognize that it, like I just feel like that's such a lack of. A lack of attunement to your child. That's a lack of self-awareness. And it's also often like a deflection, right? Like I'll tease my child, ha ha ha. That's so funny to me, but it's not, it's not actually like a back and forth. It's a power dynamic or it's a, I don't want to feel my own feelings. I'm just going to make fun of them. Right. So for example, you'd never make fun of a child for crying. Right? Like, oh, look, they're such a baby. Like that's actual teasing. That's harmful and hurtful. That's very different than I'm going to get you, you know, I'm going to bite your leg or whatever you say. That's not actually like, you're never going to do that. You're just trying to get a rise out of them. That's very different. And I would never want a parent to hear us that like we're sarcastic or we're teasing our kids.
00:18:55
Speaker
to think that we're teasing them about things that would actually be offensive. Like teasing them about their bodies, teasing them about their emotions, teasing them about... Their ability to learn things. Yeah, their ability to learn things. Sports. Sports, how much they eat. That's a big one a lot of people will talk to me about. Like, oh, I was always teased for being a big eater and then I started to become super self-conscious about how much I would eat and then I would stop eating so much. Or even people will talk to me about things like they would be teased for their bowel movements or they'd be teased for like their body odor. So that's the line. Like if you want to say, where's the line? We're not actually ever teasing kids about things that are real and like can impact them long-term. yeah Like think about how you would feel if you were teased for the size of your belly or you were teased for your body odor or you were teased for how poorly you did on a test. Like that would never feel good.
00:19:47
Speaker
So we really need to be mindful of the language that we're using when we're teasing kids. And I see that this still happens. It's not like this is not an issue anymore. So I can imagine some parents will be like, you're ruining humor and fun by saying this. So let's talk about some examples of ways that we can have fun and be playful and interact with our kids in a way that does bring
Playful Parenting Methods
00:20:08
Speaker
humor. Should we introduce people to Sean?
00:20:11
Speaker
Well, Sean was taken from Bluey. Yeah. But Sean has taken on a whole new level in our house. Okay, so Sean, if you haven't watched Bluey, I'm not gonna do it, but. Yeah, can you please do, I don't even know, just needed to start writing all of her different characters in a note because. Okay, so let's just talk about who Sean is. Sean is a hand puppet on Bluey, now I'm doing it. and I think it's an emu or something like that. It looks like this, I think it's an emu. And on Bluey, the dad does Sean one day and like basically he's like a hand puppet to the kids and the kids giggle and think it's hilarious.
00:20:46
Speaker
So that's where it started. But for me, where it started is when I was a child therapist, I still am, but when I was seeing kids all the time, I would always use puppets because puppets are an incredible way to get children to open up and talk. Honestly, it is the most mind blowing weirdest, weirdest thing to me. Scott was skeptical. I did not believe that it would work. And then just showed me one day with one of the puppets she was using with children in therapy. And I do not understand.
00:21:16
Speaker
how it works so effectively. Yeah, if you want your child to open up about something and you're like, I don't know how to get them to talk, use a hand puppet. Like to say, you don't even need a real puppet, just use your hand. It is the most ridiculous thing to me how effective that is.
00:21:30
Speaker
So I've always used puppets and as a child therapist, they're one of my favorite tools to get children to open up. But the girl saw Sean on the TV. So then they asked me one time, mommy be Sean. So I'm like, okay, no problem. So then I developed this character named Sean, who is a hand puppet. And I start using this hand puppet fairly often. It's like we're in the car and the kids are screaming in the back. Then all of a sudden Sean's like, why are you screaming in the back? You know?
00:21:55
Speaker
Sean starts talking to the kids in the back seat and the girls just every time erupting giggles. Like this is the best thing ever. And they start to truly believe that Sean, my hand puppet is a fully different person than me. Completely differentiated from Jess. Yeah, completely different. Like as soon as I bring Sean out, it's like, Oh, Sean. And they're all hugging my hands. They're all talking to Sean. I would do Sean at bedtime. So I'd like shine a flashlight on the ceiling and I do Sean on the ceiling.
00:22:23
Speaker
I actually do laugh at your little puppet shows that you put on. Yeah. These are quite hilarious. And the puppet shows will come out at any time. Like you just never know when Sean, like we'll be at the dinner table and all of a sudden Sean's like, Oh, hi girls. Okay. So it started, it started there. I started with Sean just like as a hand puppet, but then I decided, you know, I'm getting bored of playing Sean all the time with these kids. So I'm going to start making up some new characters. They're all family members of Sean. So this is where it got a little bit weird. to say the least. So now there's Sean has like a brother named Grumpy Sean. and
00:22:59
Speaker
So the girls love, they live for Grumpy Sean. Yeah, Grumpy Sean is their favorite. Grumpy Sean's their favorite. Grumpy Sean will come out and also this is a hack if you're triggered and you're grumpy, just play it out in a character. So i I use this with the kids. Like when I'm in a bad mood, I'll just pretend to be Grumpy Sean and Grumpy Sean will say all the things that I'm actually thinking inside. by then grumpyance But Sean's like, ah, it's so loud in here and why are all these kids so crazy?
00:23:25
Speaker
And like things I'm thinking, but the kids think it's hysterical that Grumpy Sean would ever say such a thing. And then they immediately stop doing whatever they're doing. They come run over and they talk to Grumpy Sean. So Grumpy Sean's thing is that like if he ever gets super, super grumpy, he'll get happy. Yeah, because he's he loves being grumpy.
00:23:45
Speaker
so Grumpy Sean loves being grumpy. and so on Just his characters are so stupid. yeah but So and when Grumpy Sean gets too grumpy, so like when the kids are like running around and doing stuff that they're not supposed to, it makes him so grumpy that he gets happy. So then they have to try and get him to stop being so happy because he doesn't want to be happy. He wants to be grumpy. yeah So anyway, it's a whole thing, but the girls live for Grumpy Sean and then I have all these other characters. like There's probably, it's gotta be close to 10 different characters that you have now that are all related somehow. Yeah, like Grumpy Sean has a brother who has an earring. It's Earring Sean. Yeah, Earring Sean. Earring Sean. And then we have Dude Sean, who's a friend. We have L.A. Chelsea. You came back from L.A. Totally different character. You are so weird. Yeah, anyway, so this is like the weirdness that goes on inside of our home and the girls live for it. And anyway, I highly recommend. L.A. Chelsea has the Valley Girl accent. Yeah, i I'm not going to do it on here. Really? Why not? I feel like I've said enough. Anyway, if you want to connect with your kids, literally try a hand puppet. It's the most simple thing and it will save you. Like they're crying in the car. Boom. Your hand puppets right there. They're having a hard time going to bed. The hand puppets there. yeah You want to hear about their day and they don't want to tell you the hand puppets there. And they'll remember that. And anyway, that's a way that you can be playful with your kids without causing harm. Can we call this a parenting hack?
Using Characters for Connection
00:25:17
Speaker
I feel like the hand puppet is my number one tool that i honestly I pull from that. And I can't believe we've never talked about it in a podcast. I've talked about it a little bit on Nurture First, but I have not gone in the depths. I mean, it's too hard on like a 10 carousel slide to be like. yeah And then we have L.A. Chelsea and Grumpy Sean. Oh, my very favorite Sean, actually, a recent one, Grandpa Sean. ah He has no teeth, so he looks like this.
00:25:42
Speaker
Yeah. Grandpa Sean, he has no teeth and he's also very grumpy. Honestly, these puppets even work on me too. Well, Scott's always laughing so hard. I die of laughter every time they come out because the girls, it's like our youngest as soon as Sean comes out or any of the Sean characters come out.
00:26:00
Speaker
She's like, oh, huggy and then tries to give the Shawn a hug. And she's like chattering at the Shawn about her day and all these things that she wouldn't do directly to us. But she's explaining to the Shawn and then she tries to like bring Shawn around with her. And yeah, and even the oldest will do that.
00:26:17
Speaker
Well, and I think what's so incredible, I won't say profound because I get called up for saying profound too many times, but we know it's profound. Um, what's so profound about Sean or these other ways that we could play with our kids is that that's their language, right? That is how kids learn and grow. And that's what they're doing. Like they're playing, they're playing with their dolls, they're playing with their toys. And so when you can do something like a Sean, all the girls, it works, right? Ages two, four, and seven. It works for all of them.
00:26:45
Speaker
you're joining into their world. And that's why they're all of a sudden so willing to talk to you, to sit with you, to bond with you. And I think doing things like the Sean family that I've created, I mean, again, that's me. So we know like Jess, it's next level, you know. There's a reason I became a child therapist is because my brain's constantly s spinning with ideas for kids. You know, I just love that kind of thing.
00:27:07
Speaker
But the reason that works so well is because now I'm in their world as soon as I'm doing it. And it's also a lazy parent hack because I can just sit and talk to them and they all just sit in front of me. Yeah, they'll sit and crisscross applesauce in front of you and listen to you. And I don't have to get up or move or do anything. So it's also perfect if you're lazy like me and you just want to sit there. Anyway, so there is a way to be playful to answer the question that is on their level and that's fun for them and it's not hurtful.
00:27:36
Speaker
And then in terms of the question about teasing, I think there is a way to tease your kids and to bug them a little bit without hurting their feelings. But it is important as a parent to be aware of that line. I think it's especially if you're in front of others, like that's the thing I would say I'm the most careful with is if she's in front of friends, classmates, even other family members, yeah right even in front of, let's say our middle daughter who's four, she might start saying the same thing that I say to her older sister.
00:28:06
Speaker
Yeah, right. She might start saying the exact same thing and it's not as funny coming from someone else So then right and like let's say Sean my mind They might not want Sean when and we're picking them up at school drop off to be hanging out the window You know you should do that though. it See you if I wouldn't you would maybe find that funny I would personally find that hilarious to have Sean out the window like come on. Let's go I'm freaking you out from school." But I would not do that to our oldest daughter because even though she loves Sean in the house, i she's not going to necessarily want Sean. She would actually love that. I'm going to bet you she'd be embarrassed. You think? Yeah. Let's ask her tonight. We'll find out. I think she would be embarrassed with Sean in front of her friends. okay Our four-year-old would not. She would love. yeah She would love that. Our two-year-old, oh my word, she would spend every waking second with Sean if she could. She loves Sean. She likes to cuddle with Sean as she's falling asleep. Yeah. And when I put her to bed. Suggests us to contort her arm in order to get our youngest to sleep some nights because she wants to cuddle with Sean, like a teddy bear or something like that. She loves Sean. Oh my word, she loves Sean.
00:29:10
Speaker
But I think our oldest would be embarrassed. So like, that's the kind of thing where it's like, it's fine within the confines of our own home, in front of our family, but that's not something I'm necessarily going to bring and do in front of her friends, unless she's like, introduce my friends to LA Chelsea, then maybe I'll, maybe I'll do that. we'll see Right? stupid And it's the same with anything else that we might do in the home. Right. And I also feel like talk to your kids about it. Talk to your kids about, you know, is there anything I do that makes you feel embarrassed?
00:29:40
Speaker
I think that works for our oldest, but I still don't know that that would work super well for her four year old. No, I think she's so there's like a certain age where all of a sudden they start to understand like our oldest is now finally at that stage, I would say only this year where she could get embarrassed by the things that we do. Well, embarrassment again is a developmental milestone. Like that's a new emotion that we're adding, right?
00:30:04
Speaker
So, and I think that's a new emotion that does come into play more than like six, seven, eight age. right Embarrassment, it's a whole new thing for kids. and And I remember the first time we noticed that our oldest was embarrassed and we were like, oh my goodness, you've never been embarrassed before. This is great. like this is I was excited for her. I was like, oh my goodness, this is a new emotion for you. Right. So also understand that that embarrassment is a developmental milestone, but we do want to respect that because it is a rupture
Boundaries in Teasing
00:30:33
Speaker
to the relationship. If you intentionally go out to embarrass your child, yeah even though as a parent, you might think this is funny, like you want to yell something embarrassing out the window to them at the school, like,
00:30:44
Speaker
I get it, but we want to be respectful if we want to keep their relationship intact. So are you saying that it's better for them developmentally to not have their caregivers or parents embarrassing them? I think there's a difference between you accidentally embarrass them and you're you're going to repair and learn from that. And you're intentionally going out of your way to make them feel embarrassed in front of their friends, right? That's, i to me, that's a rupture. I do feel like the two of us embarrass ourselves around the girls. And I and i personally try to do that. yeah
00:31:16
Speaker
That's what I'm saying, like we, it's almost like we're doing it purposefully to show them that it's not that bad to be embarrassed or do something that's a little bit odd because what difference does it make?
00:31:27
Speaker
Well, and I'll go out of my way to tell our daughter stories of times I've been embarrassed and how I dealt with it. I think that's it also a really great way to help your kids learn because they will be embarrassed. Stories of sameness. Stories of sameness. It's a way to attach to your kids. But I i think stories of sameness in terms of embarrassment will help them because they will embarrass themselves and you will embarrass them.
00:31:49
Speaker
yeah right It's not like you will never embarrass your kids, you for sure will, but we just don't need to go out of our way to do that. But telling them the stories of like, oh, this was a time I felt embarrassed and here's how I coped with it, that can help as well.
Playful Parenting Guide
00:32:02
Speaker
Truly playfulness is one of the best ways that you can connect with your kids. We also have our playful guide that could be super helpful. A playful parent guide and in our guide we give you tons of ideas of how to play with your kids. Like I even talk about hand puppets in there. It's very practical. You could just print it out and get lots of ideas. of Yeah. I guess that is a problem. Like I was even speaking with someone on the phone yesterday about having having a hard time relating to their four-year-old also and like sensitive four-year-old. And I was trying to guide them through the process of adding fun, playfulness, a little bit of like Not necessarily teasing, but just that playfulness that you can have with your kids at that age. Yeah. And how big of a difference that actually makes in attaching and even getting them to go to sleep a little bit easier. and But being a playful parent. Yeah. It takes a lot of work if you're not playful to begin with.
00:32:55
Speaker
It is a skill and it's gonna feel silly at first. Like you've never done a hand puppet before and now you're doing a hand puppet with your kids. It's not gonna feel right. It's not gonna feel normal. So it's also practicing being playful. Like you'll do something also from Bluey, looks to maybe watch some Bluey, but yeah like- Honestly, it's pretty, Bluey does have a lot of playful and fun ideas for- Like you'll turn into a giant monkey.
00:33:23
Speaker
I'll say to the kids, okay, it's daddy's turn to put you to bed. And they'll be like, I don't want daddy to put me to bed. And I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry, it's not daddy's turn, it's ooh, ooh's turn. And then all of a sudden you're like, ooh. and you're like chasing the kids around. yeah And now you're a whole different- Throwing them over my shoulders and bringing them upstairs. And all of a sudden, oh yeah, that's fine. Ooh ooh can put me to bed. And then all of a sudden, ooh ooh turns into daddy and it's fine. But for someone who's never been playful before, turning into a giant monkey might not feel like the most comfortable thing. So do it uncomfortable.
00:33:53
Speaker
Like, be uncomfortable the first bunch of times you do it. And it will start to feel more natural as you see your kids love it. It feels more natural when the endorphins rush through your body as you hear their giggles. Yeah, exactly.
Inspiration from Bluey
00:34:07
Speaker
So you don't have to feel 100% comfortable to start being a playful parent. It might feel awkward, but just try it and see how your kids respond. During the summer when our windows are open, I have slight concerns of what people think is going on in their house sometimes after dinner because We have a very playful home. The amount of screams that are going on in our house. We have ooh ooh as a monkey. We've got Sean talking to the kids. Honestly, Bluey has a ton of fun, playful, like, games for parents to use, right? Yeah. Lots of ideas in there. Sponsor us, Bluey. Need I say more? Need I say more? Oh, and then I also sometimes turn into creepy mommy. Oh yeah. Creepy mommy is... Creepy mommy's a bit much. No, I love creepy mommy. Do you? That's the funniest.
00:34:49
Speaker
Yeah, Creepy Mummy has like, we're Dutch, so she has like a Dutch accent, but it's terrible. She does not have, it's the worst accent. It's like a mixture of every European accent. Yeah, I try and give her like an old grandma, like Dutch accent, but it doesn't really work. And she just, she's also my inner voice, like when I'm mad. So I have Grumpy Sean, but I also have Creepy Mummy, they're married. Oh yeah, I forgot about that connection. Like whenever I'm really annoyed with the girls, I'll be like,
00:35:18
Speaker
creepy mommy and I'll start being creepy mommy. And then they stopped doing whatever thing that they're annoying me with. And then they just are like, creepy mommy, can you say this? And it honestly works so well. It regulates me. It completely flips my mood and their mood. Probably the most unhinged character that you have.
00:35:37
Speaker
I can't believe I'm admitting to Creepy Mummy on the phone. I'm not gonna do the character for you guys. You really would have to have begged me to do that character for you. Oh, I'm sure they will now. It's a bit much. That's hilarious. But Creepy Mummy, she'll even say things to the kids, like, shut it, which is not, ah but we've we've told the kids only Creepy Mummy can say shut it. And it's really quite funny. And they all feign surprise every time Creepy Mummy says shut it to them. And it's, oh, it's so funny.
00:36:06
Speaker
Yeah, creepy mommy says she's a lot. But again, it's it gets on their level and it totally transforms a mood. Like, creepy mommy will come out when everybody's in a terrible mood, nothing's going well, they're all screaming at each other, she'll just go, creepy mommy says, shut it. And the girls will all just like, what? You're gonna keep that in. Well, I might crop it, we'll see. Oh my goodness. We'll see what the team thinks. I'm embarrassed for you, actually, on this one.
00:36:32
Speaker
I should maybe be more embarrassed. Anyway, so moral of the story is yes, be playful with your kids. Yes, there is a place for like playful joking within the relationship that you have with your kid, but know your kid, tune in with them. Don't make comments about things like their weight or their appearance or their intelligence. And if you grew up in a teasing family where you we're hurt by the teasing, know that that makes sense. Teasing isn't always funny. And so having that boundary with your kids and tuning in with them is the most important thing. Yeah. And I think as they get older, you'll be able to have more complex humor with them. and Yeah. Definitely. We can see that already with our oldest.
00:37:14
Speaker
Yeah, the complexity will come. Humor is a skill. It will develop over time. And also for you, if you don't feel humorous or funny or playful, you can try it. Like you can try a couple of strategies we talked about today. You could use the playful guide and just choose like one thing from the playful guide that you want to try.
00:37:35
Speaker
And just try it as it feels uncomfortable and it will become more comfortable to be a playful parent. I think it's just something that you have to, you definitely have to learn. It's not something that was, was not the default for me originally. I feel like you are the most playful dad. I am now. Yeah. yeah Now, but it took you time.
00:37:53
Speaker
It took you like being uu a couple times and realizing how much that they're gonna love it Yeah, and I feel like now the playfulness in our home Like someone should do a reality show about like the goofiness that goes on inside of her. No, they shouldn't because i' be very it would be and for me That's our line we'd be embarrassed that yeah, yeah exactly I probably embarrassed myself enough for today yeahp Anyway, let us know if you want more on the topic of playfulness. It's literally one of my favorite topics. I think that's like why I became a child therapist because I just yeah love this topic so much. Yeah. to Talk to you next week. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about this one.
00:38:33
Speaker
Hey friends, thank you so much for listening to today's episode. We are glad that you are here. If you enjoyed today's episode and found it interesting, we'd really appreciate it if you'd leave a rating and a review. Scott and I actually sit down together and read them all. A five star rating helps us share our podcast and get these important messages out there. Thank you so much for listening and we can't wait to talk to you again next time.