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Kelly Fabiano: Life Lessons from the Death Doula
4 Plays1 year ago
Have you ever wondered how someone becomes a "Death Doula"? Stream this week's episode and discover the incredible journey of Kelly Fabiano, aka "The Death Doula,” and get ready to dive into her unique life story that led her to this remarkable path.
Join your host, Jennifer, as she chats with Kelly about her mission to empower women to embrace life unapologetically and stop putting off their own happiness. Kelly's insights and guidance have helped countless women live boldly and authentically. Tune in to uncover her inspiring strategies that will leave you feeling motivated to make the most of every moment.
And that's not all! With the future of the funeral space rapidly evolving, Kelly shares her thoughts on where she thinks the industry is headed. Don't miss this thought-provoking conversation that sheds light on the changing landscape of saying goodbye!
LITTLE NUGGETS OF GOLD:
- A sneak peak into Kelly’s life journey and how she became known as the “Death Doula”
- How Kelly supports women who are ready to stop postponing their happiness to live boldly, authentically, and unapologetically
- The future of the funeral industry
Connect with the Kelly Fabiano:
Website: https://lifeanddeathwithkelly.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tilldeathdoulaparts/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tilldeathdoulaparts
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper:
Facebook Page - Muldowney Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/MuldowneyMemorials/
Facebook Page - Rainbow Bridge Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbridgememorialsdotcom
Instagram - @muldowneymemorials & @jennifermuldowney
Twitter - @TheGlamReaper
Email us here: glamreaperpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Season Three
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:00:04
Speaker
This is season three.
00:00:06
Speaker
I can't believe I'm even saying that.
00:00:08
Speaker
And we have a great guest on next to talk about all things death doula, end of life doula, and all things non-medical in dying.
00:00:19
Speaker
So tune in for another great episode.
Meet Kelly Fabiano, Death Doula
00:00:30
Speaker
Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:00:34
Speaker
I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney aka the Glam Reaper and on today's episode I have the gorgeous Kelly and Kelly is going to tell us who she is, what she does and where she comes from.
00:00:46
Speaker
So Kelly take it away.
00:00:47
Speaker
Hello.
00:00:48
Speaker
Okay.
00:00:50
Speaker
Well, my name is Kelly Fabiano and I am a death doula, or for those that feel more comfortable using the term end of life doula, I'm an end of life doula.
00:01:02
Speaker
And I think the umbrella explanation of what I do is I provide non-medical holistic support to both the dying and also their care community.
00:01:15
Speaker
Great.
From Corporate to Death Doula
00:01:16
Speaker
And how did you get into this?
00:01:18
Speaker
Um, I, about maybe two and a half years ago, uh, my, my partner had mentioned that a friend of his had graduated from a death doula training program.
00:01:31
Speaker
I didn't even know that death doulas existed up until that point.
00:01:36
Speaker
And when I did, I was cracked wide open.
00:01:39
Speaker
I just, I knew that this wasn't something that was just for me, but it was deep down inside of me.
00:01:45
Speaker
It was a piece of my identity.
00:01:48
Speaker
And I, you know, I had the corporate nine to five career, the five year, 10 year, 15 year plan, the 401k, all of that juicy stuff.
00:02:00
Speaker
And I am a very over analytical human being who decided to give notice and pursue this path.
00:02:12
Speaker
So I'm a bit insane.
00:02:14
Speaker
But so far, it's proven to be a just heart expanding experience.
00:02:22
Speaker
No regrets.
00:02:23
Speaker
Just really, really happy to be on the path I'm on.
00:02:27
Speaker
Good.
00:02:28
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:02:29
Speaker
It's very few of us that can say that can say that.
00:02:32
Speaker
I mean, we read all the self-help books about finding your purpose and things like that.
00:02:36
Speaker
So it's great to meet somebody who has and feels so fulfilled.
Starting the LLC and Hospice Volunteering
00:02:42
Speaker
And so how long have you been seeing clients or how long have you been in full operation mode?
00:02:48
Speaker
About two years.
00:02:50
Speaker
I started my LLC.
00:02:52
Speaker
There's the over-analytical type A part of me there.
00:02:56
Speaker
I started that the beginning of January of 2021.
00:03:00
Speaker
And so I've done a lot of – I did some, not a lot.
00:03:05
Speaker
I shouldn't.
00:03:06
Speaker
put it that way, but I did some hospice volunteering first.
00:03:10
Speaker
And then I had some pro bono clients.
00:03:13
Speaker
And really this year is the first year that I started really doing this as a vocation.
00:03:21
Speaker
Right.
00:03:22
Speaker
And can I ask, because for me, it's interesting.
00:03:25
Speaker
People often say, like, I don't know how you do what you do to me.
00:03:28
Speaker
And, you know, I could say that to so many people.
00:03:32
Speaker
I'm definitely I always refer to that, you know, clip of in Bridesmaids when she's got all the puppies in the car.
00:03:37
Speaker
I'm like, that's me.
00:03:38
Speaker
If I ever worked in an adoption facility of of children or dogs, I don't know how people do it.
00:03:44
Speaker
So but how.
00:03:47
Speaker
How do you look after yourself?
Managing Emotional Boundaries
00:03:50
Speaker
You know, if you're sitting with somebody and their family and especially when it's an extremely tragic loss, how do you work on your own emotions and your own mental health?
00:04:02
Speaker
I think that boundaries are crucial in this line of service.
00:04:10
Speaker
I like to, before I even walk through the door of a client's home, I like to really say a prayer or a mantra, really centering myself in the reality that as much as I fall in love with all of my clients, I just do head over heels and love.
00:04:33
Speaker
But it's important for me to arrive with what my teacher, Elua Arthur, she terms it as soft front, strong spine.
00:04:45
Speaker
And so I go in aware that I'm here to be a soft place for them to land, but I need to stay centered in the reality that as much as I love the people that I'm serving, I'm
00:04:58
Speaker
Their pain, it does not belong to me.
00:05:03
Speaker
This is their journey and I am here to be their soft place to land.
00:05:08
Speaker
But when I leave, that can't come with me.
00:05:12
Speaker
And I'd like to say it's as straightforward as that.
00:05:15
Speaker
I think it does come home with me quite a bit.
00:05:19
Speaker
But I try to...
00:05:22
Speaker
I try to create some sort of ritual or acknowledgement when I do get home and I feel like I'm carrying something that's not mine to really right size that and, and return to myself and ground myself back into my reality.
00:05:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:41
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:05:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:43
Speaker
It's, I mean, you kind of, yeah, I like that.
00:05:46
Speaker
What was it?
00:05:47
Speaker
Strong spine, soft front.
00:05:51
Speaker
Soft front, strong spine.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yeah, I like that, actually, because I feel like that's similar to the way I would look at my work, which is that, you know, you're there and you're holding the space for this family.
00:06:03
Speaker
And, you know, as I would say, if I had a magic wand, of course, I would bring back their loved one.
00:06:08
Speaker
But I don't and nor will I likely ever have that ability.
00:06:13
Speaker
And while that's heartbreaking, at least I'm their their hand to hold.
00:06:18
Speaker
You know, at least there's somebody strong holding their hand on this part of the journey, which I guess is after you've had to let go of their hand.
00:06:26
Speaker
I guess I take it from the next.
00:06:27
Speaker
Yeah, it's interesting.
Evolving Role and Supporting Caregivers
00:06:29
Speaker
That's a really, really nice way of putting it.
00:06:32
Speaker
Because for me, when I first started this back home in Ireland,
00:06:37
Speaker
I did take it home quite a lot and I don't necessarily know what shifted in me because people often ask me and I'm like, I don't know what shifted in me.
00:06:44
Speaker
But all of a sudden I became able to sort of
00:06:49
Speaker
cope with it I became able to I became a better sponge I guess um I get you know I I kind of built this sponge around me and I kept myself okay um but it's yeah it's not easy work it's not easy at all um and have you had any cases that I know you're not allowed to have show favoritism but have you had any cases where you know you had a favorite
00:07:17
Speaker
I think that they've all been so different.
00:07:20
Speaker
And you know what I find most interesting about this stage in my work is I had been told by my teacher that this was going to look different than we had envisioned before we started our program.
00:07:36
Speaker
And it really does.
00:07:38
Speaker
For instance, I saw myself sitting bedside and like you had said before, holding the hand of the person that's dying and watching them and holding space as they as they pass on.
00:07:55
Speaker
I have not in the the year that I've been actively doing this, that has not been a part of the work that I've done.
00:08:06
Speaker
Um, it's a lot of it has actually been more of a, a senior companion and elder companion role.
00:08:16
Speaker
And a lot of it has been providing support to the caregivers who, um, in my case have all been family, but oftentimes, uh, especially here in America, your caregivers are your family members.
00:08:29
Speaker
Um,
00:08:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:32
Speaker
So they've all been my favorite in some way.
00:08:38
Speaker
I've learned so much.
00:08:39
Speaker
And I know that sounds cheesy, but it really is the honest truth.
00:08:44
Speaker
I've taken something that I didn't get from any other client from each and every one of them.
00:08:50
Speaker
It's been such a unique experience.
00:08:53
Speaker
I just feel so honored.
00:08:55
Speaker
Wow.
00:08:57
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:08:57
Speaker
I mean, you're definitely speaking from a place of love and compassion.
00:09:00
Speaker
You can hear it in your voice and I'm sure the listeners can hear it too if they're on the podcast or, you know, maybe they can see it on YouTube.
00:09:07
Speaker
But yeah, it's because not everybody has that.
00:09:12
Speaker
Not everybody has family.
00:09:13
Speaker
Not everybody has family.
00:09:15
Speaker
you know, somebody to, to be there with them at the end of life, you know?
00:09:21
Speaker
Um, so it's interesting.
00:09:23
Speaker
It's the death doula space is definitely one that's increasing more and more, um, just as celebrants and everything like that is.
00:09:31
Speaker
Um, so the space is changing massively and it's funny to me, women seem to be kind of coming back in and reclaiming,
00:09:39
Speaker
reclaiming a space where they were historically, you know, until it became quite a lot more corporate and there'll always be a place for funeral homes and everything like that.
00:09:51
Speaker
But I think, you know, these new roles that are coming up, I think, are becoming ever more important and wanted and needed, you know.
Collaboration for Holistic Care
00:10:01
Speaker
Do you have any thoughts on the future of the industry, the future of the funeral space?
00:10:07
Speaker
Hmm.
00:10:09
Speaker
Well, I think that we, at this point, something that I noticed popping up a lot when I give a talk on what exactly a death doula is to a community center or any space really is, well, how are you different from hospice?
00:10:28
Speaker
And what I've noticed is there's a bit of a
00:10:33
Speaker
I don't want to say contention, but I feel like there's a fear that death doulas are here to replace these systems.
00:10:44
Speaker
And that's certainly, that's not been the goal of any death doula that I know, and it's not my goal.
00:10:52
Speaker
I think that the hospice system and the
00:10:58
Speaker
I shouldn't say funeral industry, but I think that, um, I think that they're necessary.
00:11:05
Speaker
And I think that for instance, when it comes to hospice care, I'm non-medical support.
00:11:11
Speaker
I do not have the credentials or licensure to provide medical support.
00:11:16
Speaker
And I think that hospice is, uh, can be such a gift and such a support to both the dying and their care community.
00:11:26
Speaker
I'm hoping that we are able to work together more, that death doulas and hospice and funeral homes, that we're all kind of brought into the fold together to support one another and really create a more holistic care approach for both the families and the person that is dying.
00:11:55
Speaker
Yeah, I agree.
00:11:57
Speaker
It's interesting the space you're talking about because in similar respect, it's funeral homes think event planners are coming for their job or whatever.
00:12:05
Speaker
And, you know, there's space for everybody.
00:12:09
Speaker
It's everyone wants different things and
00:12:12
Speaker
um you know that's it that's what it should be and the holistic approach is exactly it we should all just have one goal which is to be there for the grieving family and that's it and whether it's prior to death whether it's medical aid you know or whether it's it's post-death rituals and whatnot um yeah very fascinating
00:12:31
Speaker
Well, thank you so much for sharing that.
00:12:33
Speaker
And I think I think a lot of the viewers will.
00:12:38
Speaker
It's it's something that, you know, we did have a death duel on at the very start of the podcast.
00:12:44
Speaker
But you're you're both very different vibes.
00:12:48
Speaker
And so I always think it's interesting to share different
00:12:52
Speaker
personalities and different, you know, attitudes to things and stuff like that.
00:12:56
Speaker
And so and I think Dana was only training as well at the time, so was very fresh.
00:13:03
Speaker
into it so it's great to speak to somebody who has you know had a year under their belt and experience um and that's wonderful well thank you so much kelly for coming on and sharing your your words of wisdom with us and hopefully maybe we'll get you on again in a year's time and um you can maybe you'll actually have a favorite then i joke i understand
00:13:25
Speaker
People ask me that question.
00:13:26
Speaker
So I feel like I have to ask people that as well.
00:13:29
Speaker
But yeah, thank you so much.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:13:31
Speaker
And we wish you all the best in your endeavors.
00:13:33
Speaker
And we will leave all the links and everything below.
00:13:36
Speaker
And so that if anybody has any personal questions or anything they want to ask you about how you came to become a death doula or they need your services, then we'll have that there for them.
00:13:47
Speaker
Thank you so much.
00:13:47
Speaker
Wonderful.
00:13:48
Speaker
Thank you so much.
00:14:01
Speaker
So that was a great chat with Kelly.
00:14:03
Speaker
We'd love to know your thoughts.
00:14:06
Speaker
Is death to the work something you think you would go into?
00:14:08
Speaker
Is it something you think you would like to have in your dying days?
00:14:12
Speaker
We'd love to hear your thoughts.
00:14:13
Speaker
I know it can be a bit of a controversial topic sometimes, but we would love to hear all your thoughts and comments.
00:14:19
Speaker
You can send them to us in comments.
00:14:21
Speaker
Send us an email, glamreaperpodcast at gmail.com, and we'll talk to you soon.