Transcript
Speaker: Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
Speaker: This is season three.
Speaker: I can't believe I'm even saying that.
Speaker: And we have a great guest on next to talk about all things death doula, end of life doula, and all things non-medical in dying.
Speaker: So tune in for another great episode.
Speaker: Hi everyone and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
Speaker: I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney aka the Glam Reaper and on today's episode I have the gorgeous Kelly and Kelly is going to tell us who she is, what she does and where she comes from.
Speaker: So Kelly take it away.
Speaker: Hello.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Well, my name is Kelly Fabiano and I am a death doula, or for those that feel more comfortable using the term end of life doula, I'm an end of life doula.
Speaker: And I think the umbrella explanation of what I do is I provide non-medical holistic support to both the dying and also their care community.
Speaker: Great.
Speaker: And how did you get into this?
Speaker: Um, I, about maybe two and a half years ago, uh, my, my partner had mentioned that a friend of his had graduated from a death doula training program.
Speaker: I didn't even know that death doulas existed up until that point.
Speaker: And when I did, I was cracked wide open.
Speaker: I just, I knew that this wasn't something that was just for me, but it was deep down inside of me.
Speaker: It was a piece of my identity.
Speaker: And I, you know, I had the corporate nine to five career, the five year, 10 year, 15 year plan, the 401k, all of that juicy stuff.
Speaker: And I am a very over analytical human being who decided to give notice and pursue this path.
Speaker: So I'm a bit insane.
Speaker: But so far, it's proven to be a just heart expanding experience.
Speaker: No regrets.
Speaker: Just really, really happy to be on the path I'm on.
Speaker: Good.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: It's very few of us that can say that can say that.
Speaker: I mean, we read all the self-help books about finding your purpose and things like that.
Speaker: So it's great to meet somebody who has and feels so fulfilled.
Speaker: And so how long have you been seeing clients or how long have you been in full operation mode?
Speaker: About two years.
Speaker: I started my LLC.
Speaker: There's the over-analytical type A part of me there.
Speaker: I started that the beginning of January of 2021.
Speaker: And so I've done a lot of – I did some, not a lot.
Speaker: I shouldn't.
Speaker: put it that way, but I did some hospice volunteering first.
Speaker: And then I had some pro bono clients.
Speaker: And really this year is the first year that I started really doing this as a vocation.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And can I ask, because for me, it's interesting.
Speaker: People often say, like, I don't know how you do what you do to me.
Speaker: And, you know, I could say that to so many people.
Speaker: I'm definitely I always refer to that, you know, clip of in Bridesmaids when she's got all the puppies in the car.
Speaker: I'm like, that's me.
Speaker: If I ever worked in an adoption facility of of children or dogs, I don't know how people do it.
Speaker: So but how.
Speaker: How do you look after yourself?
Speaker: You know, if you're sitting with somebody and their family and especially when it's an extremely tragic loss, how do you work on your own emotions and your own mental health?
Speaker: I think that boundaries are crucial in this line of service.
Speaker: I like to, before I even walk through the door of a client's home, I like to really say a prayer or a mantra, really centering myself in the reality that as much as I fall in love with all of my clients, I just do head over heels and love.
Speaker: But it's important for me to arrive with what my teacher, Elua Arthur, she terms it as soft front, strong spine.
Speaker: And so I go in aware that I'm here to be a soft place for them to land, but I need to stay centered in the reality that as much as I love the people that I'm serving, I'm
Speaker: Their pain, it does not belong to me.
Speaker: This is their journey and I am here to be their soft place to land.
Speaker: But when I leave, that can't come with me.
Speaker: And I'd like to say it's as straightforward as that.
Speaker: I think it does come home with me quite a bit.
Speaker: But I try to...
Speaker: I try to create some sort of ritual or acknowledgement when I do get home and I feel like I'm carrying something that's not mine to really right size that and, and return to myself and ground myself back into my reality.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's, I mean, you kind of, yeah, I like that.
Speaker: What was it?
Speaker: Strong spine, soft front.
Speaker: Soft front, strong spine.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I like that, actually, because I feel like that's similar to the way I would look at my work, which is that, you know, you're there and you're holding the space for this family.
Speaker: And, you know, as I would say, if I had a magic wand, of course, I would bring back their loved one.
Speaker: But I don't and nor will I likely ever have that ability.
Speaker: And while that's heartbreaking, at least I'm their their hand to hold.
Speaker: You know, at least there's somebody strong holding their hand on this part of the journey, which I guess is after you've had to let go of their hand.
Speaker: I guess I take it from the next.
Speaker: Yeah, it's interesting.
Speaker: That's a really, really nice way of putting it.
Speaker: Because for me, when I first started this back home in Ireland,
Speaker: I did take it home quite a lot and I don't necessarily know what shifted in me because people often ask me and I'm like, I don't know what shifted in me.
Speaker: But all of a sudden I became able to sort of
Speaker: cope with it I became able to I became a better sponge I guess um I get you know I I kind of built this sponge around me and I kept myself okay um but it's yeah it's not easy work it's not easy at all um and have you had any cases that I know you're not allowed to have show favoritism but have you had any cases where you know you had a favorite
Speaker: I think that they've all been so different.
Speaker: And you know what I find most interesting about this stage in my work is I had been told by my teacher that this was going to look different than we had envisioned before we started our program.
Speaker: And it really does.
Speaker: For instance, I saw myself sitting bedside and like you had said before, holding the hand of the person that's dying and watching them and holding space as they as they pass on.
Speaker: I have not in the the year that I've been actively doing this, that has not been a part of the work that I've done.
Speaker: Um, it's a lot of it has actually been more of a, a senior companion and elder companion role.
Speaker: And a lot of it has been providing support to the caregivers who, um, in my case have all been family, but oftentimes, uh, especially here in America, your caregivers are your family members.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So they've all been my favorite in some way.
Speaker: I've learned so much.
Speaker: And I know that sounds cheesy, but it really is the honest truth.
Speaker: I've taken something that I didn't get from any other client from each and every one of them.
Speaker: It's been such a unique experience.
Speaker: I just feel so honored.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: I mean, you're definitely speaking from a place of love and compassion.
Speaker: You can hear it in your voice and I'm sure the listeners can hear it too if they're on the podcast or, you know, maybe they can see it on YouTube.
Speaker: But yeah, it's because not everybody has that.
Speaker: Not everybody has family.
Speaker: Not everybody has family.
Speaker: you know, somebody to, to be there with them at the end of life, you know?
Speaker: Um, so it's interesting.
Speaker: It's the death doula space is definitely one that's increasing more and more, um, just as celebrants and everything like that is.
Speaker: Um, so the space is changing massively and it's funny to me, women seem to be kind of coming back in and reclaiming,
Speaker: reclaiming a space where they were historically, you know, until it became quite a lot more corporate and there'll always be a place for funeral homes and everything like that.
Speaker: But I think, you know, these new roles that are coming up, I think, are becoming ever more important and wanted and needed, you know.
Speaker: Do you have any thoughts on the future of the industry, the future of the funeral space?
Speaker: Hmm.
Speaker: Well, I think that we, at this point, something that I noticed popping up a lot when I give a talk on what exactly a death doula is to a community center or any space really is, well, how are you different from hospice?
Speaker: And what I've noticed is there's a bit of a
Speaker: I don't want to say contention, but I feel like there's a fear that death doulas are here to replace these systems.
Speaker: And that's certainly, that's not been the goal of any death doula that I know, and it's not my goal.
Speaker: I think that the hospice system and the
Speaker: I shouldn't say funeral industry, but I think that, um, I think that they're necessary.
Speaker: And I think that for instance, when it comes to hospice care, I'm non-medical support.
Speaker: I do not have the credentials or licensure to provide medical support.
Speaker: And I think that hospice is, uh, can be such a gift and such a support to both the dying and their care community.
Speaker: I'm hoping that we are able to work together more, that death doulas and hospice and funeral homes, that we're all kind of brought into the fold together to support one another and really create a more holistic care approach for both the families and the person that is dying.
Speaker: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker: It's interesting the space you're talking about because in similar respect, it's funeral homes think event planners are coming for their job or whatever.
Speaker: And, you know, there's space for everybody.
Speaker: It's everyone wants different things and
Speaker: um you know that's it that's what it should be and the holistic approach is exactly it we should all just have one goal which is to be there for the grieving family and that's it and whether it's prior to death whether it's medical aid you know or whether it's it's post-death rituals and whatnot um yeah very fascinating
Speaker: Well, thank you so much for sharing that.
Speaker: And I think I think a lot of the viewers will.
Speaker: It's it's something that, you know, we did have a death duel on at the very start of the podcast.
Speaker: But you're you're both very different vibes.
Speaker: And so I always think it's interesting to share different
Speaker: personalities and different, you know, attitudes to things and stuff like that.
Speaker: And so and I think Dana was only training as well at the time, so was very fresh.
Speaker: into it so it's great to speak to somebody who has you know had a year under their belt and experience um and that's wonderful well thank you so much kelly for coming on and sharing your your words of wisdom with us and hopefully maybe we'll get you on again in a year's time and um you can maybe you'll actually have a favorite then i joke i understand
Speaker: People ask me that question.
Speaker: So I feel like I have to ask people that as well.
Speaker: But yeah, thank you so much.
Speaker: And we wish you all the best in your endeavors.
Speaker: And we will leave all the links and everything below.
Speaker: And so that if anybody has any personal questions or anything they want to ask you about how you came to become a death doula or they need your services, then we'll have that there for them.
Speaker: Thank you so much.
Speaker: Wonderful.
Speaker: Thank you so much.
Speaker: So that was a great chat with Kelly.
Speaker: We'd love to know your thoughts.
Speaker: Is death to the work something you think you would go into?
Speaker: Is it something you think you would like to have in your dying days?
Speaker: We'd love to hear your thoughts.
Speaker: I know it can be a bit of a controversial topic sometimes, but we would love to hear all your thoughts and comments.
Speaker: You can send them to us in comments.
Speaker: Send us an email, glamreaperpodcast at gmail.com, and we'll talk to you soon.
