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Christmas Special 2025 - Ep. 1 It Willie Be Lonely This Christmas
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Merry Christmas Listeners. Welcome to our 2025 festive special.
Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr
Follow us on our Twitters - @FellowshipTable
Intro written and produced by Joseph McDade
Music kindly provided by Fesliyan Studios
Recommended
Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
Yeah, ah jingle bells, jingle bells, it's just me alone.
Introduction to the Christmas Adventure
00:00:39
Speaker
Hello everybody and welcome to this week's episode of the Fellowship of the Tabletop. We are a live play 5e D&D podcast set in the magical Christmas world of Gumbleton and welcome to another Christmas in the trenches.
00:00:53
Speaker
Yeah, ah jingle bells, jingle bells, it's just me alone. Yeah, ye so so for this evening, you ah you you have my Dorset tones, and along with that, you have the voice of Ian as we take you for a Christmas adventure in the style of Gonzo and Rizzo from The Muppet Christmas Carol. And believe me, when I say this, that one pretty much cast itself.
00:01:17
Speaker
Yes, because you've got a huge fucking hooter. That's Because I've huge fucking hooter, and you're also shorter than me. that's Let's not pretend that that's not a factor as well. Yeah, that's true. That's fine. Just pick me up and use me to clean the windows.
00:01:29
Speaker
Yeah. Anyway, here we go. i was going to try and make the joke about light the something, not the rat. Light the lamp, not the rat. Light the lamp, not the rat. That's what he said, isn't it? Light the lamp, not the rat. Light the lamp, not the rat. Yeah. And my joke was in reference to when Gonzo literally picks him up and cleans the windows of scroish Scrooge's office.
00:01:50
Speaker
yeah And he's like, thanks for involving me. Anyway, before this podcast falls like a school shelf and everything is Scrooge's dream, let us begin.
Big Willy's Christmas Dreams
00:02:01
Speaker
It is Christmas Eve once more and tucked up and ready for the big day is everyone's favourite Christmas gnome, Big Willy.
00:02:11
Speaker
It's been two years since the chaos at Hag Hill and since then our favourite festive gnome has become the proprietor of the old mansion that overlooks Gumpleton. And thanks to Big Willy, Hag Hill is more festive than it has ever been before.
00:02:29
Speaker
And tomorrow, Big Willie, as you fall asleep and you dream, you dream of the people who are coming to spend Christmas with you. The heroes of Christmas of yesteryear, they're all coming here and they're all coming here to spend Christmas with you.
00:02:46
Speaker
You haven't seen them for two years. It's emotional to even think about it. And as you dream, those emotions, they start to form in quite weird and harrowing ways.
00:03:00
Speaker
And you start to not dream of your friends, but instead you start to dream of old Mel, if you remember, who vanished inexplicably amidst the chaos of that night.
00:03:12
Speaker
You start to dream of Hans Ueber. The evil, monstrous wizard of many faces who rose from the pool to try and reclaim his place as the ultimate villain of Christmas.
00:03:30
Speaker
You think back and you dream back to Christmas of three years ago, where you fought hands on top of the great Christmas tree down in Gumbleton. You think of the two ogres, one of which you froze to death up at the mountainside inn and as that dream starts to manifest in a very real way it starts to feel exactly that real and as you sweat under the sheets and as your perspiration starts to soak through to the mattress itself I'm gonna need Big Willy to make a wisdom saving for you alright so climb me up in here
00:04:14
Speaker
Wish me luck for the first roll. oh I'll take it. 21. Okay. As you feel this dream start to become feel more and more real, you start to realize that these two trolls that you fought defeated have risen and they tower over you, one either side.
00:04:33
Speaker
And they just seem to repeat this phrase of, we're going to get you, you little punk. We're going to get you. We're going to get you. We're going to get you. We're going get you. And as that happens, you spring up in bed as the clock strikes midnight, sweating profusively. What's the word? Sorry. perfu fliing That's the one. Thank you.
00:04:52
Speaker
As you rise and you realize that it was all just a dream and as the bell rings out around Hag Hill, it is no longer Christmas Eve, but is instead the early hours of Christmas Day.
00:05:07
Speaker
And of course, we all know what happens when the bell tolls midnight in carols about Christmas. A figure floats into the room, ethereal, harrowing and familiar, and goes, Time to rise, Willy.
00:05:26
Speaker
Oh, the clock has struck midnight and you are home alone.
Warning of Returning Trolls
00:05:30
Speaker
It's me, Thimble. And if you think back, listeners, two years ago, you will remember, hello, James Chapman, you will remember James' character, Thimble, which has just floated into the room. Now, I think James would maybe deny that it was based on a certain character from The Muppets Christmas Carol, but I'm running with it.
00:05:49
Speaker
Hello, really. Do you remember Christmas two years ago? oh to reflect on the past. First off, Big Willie always is risen and shone.
00:06:03
Speaker
There is no rise and shine in Big Willie. Big Willie arrives, shone and rised. Arise, rised. Willie, I forgot how good you were at an innuendo. Yes, I can see that you have risen, but you've risen too early, it would seem. awkward Yes, yep let me yeah just think about other things for a moment so I don't have to rise so big.
00:06:29
Speaker
Hold on.
00:06:32
Speaker
Thorny, holly, or a painful. No, okay, okay, okay. No longer risen, but still shining. Oh, Willie, how I have missed you. And as she said that, she floats down now and is just hovering over the bed. Oh, that's close. Oh, that's so close.
00:06:51
Speaker
Oh, I'm sorry. And as that, she kind of like just almost like dissipates into smoke and reappears near the door and just says to you, As much as I would like to leave you to sleep, I have come here to warn you, Willy. I've come to warn you about the trolls for their back.
00:07:11
Speaker
Their back and they have been terrorizing Gumbleton looking for you for me? Yes, if you recall, you froze one of them to death.
00:07:23
Speaker
Oh, shit. That troll is on his way here. They're both on their way here. And you find yourself home alone without friends. That's it! I got no one here!
00:07:38
Speaker
Oh, don't worry, Willy. Whilst my presence here made the ethereal, rest assured that somewhere in this house, hope will spring eternal.
00:07:50
Speaker
What kind of Christmas card shit is that? And as you say that, the room goes blistening white. And you find yourself stood in the mountainside inn of Christmas of two three years ago. and what you see is you see an ogre, troll-like ogre, pick up a turtle and haul it across the room. And you see flashes of this fight. And as you do that, Thimble reappears and goes, Do you remember this Christmas, Big Willy?
00:08:24
Speaker
ah yeah Yeah, how could I forget? I became a big hero of Christmas this year. And unlike the year before this one where I was stole away on ship and nobody knew I was there, this time around, everybody saw Big Willie. Big Willie had a grand big revealing this year. I remember. Yes, yes, yes. Very strong, very big.
00:08:45
Speaker
And as you see that, you see the past version of yourself just go, ah! have and run up to this troll and kind of like throw both legs and arms at it and almost just land body first into the face of this troll as you cast, I believe it was some kind of freezing ray toucher. I can't remember the spell, um but it was- Yes, it was see what I'm doing there. i am master of the arts and acrobatics. Ray of Frost, that's what you were casting. Sounds correct.
00:09:14
Speaker
Sounds like a good move that I don't have with me this time round. Yeah, it turned out you you could actually project the spell. You didn't need to be in the range of touch, but for some reason... If there's always a way to touch, Big Willie will touch.
00:09:27
Speaker
and you look And you see again, as you're hanging on to this ogre, you see its eyes bold as it turns to ice. And then it falls backwards, still with you mounting it on the face, so that when it falls over, you you're kneeling across it as it has turned to ice. Yeah, look at that dry hump. Not a lot of other druids like me use that, but but I do. I like to get close. I'm personal. Yeah. You see? Your bravery, a little Billy. Brave, yes, yes. you're You're going to need that tonight, but you know what you also are? Uh...
00:10:01
Speaker
Handsome, charming, funny, daring. Pick a word. Foolish. There's another Christmas for you, and as the room fades white again, you're all of a sudden downstairs in Hag Hill two years ago, and you see...
00:10:21
Speaker
as both you and Thimble arrive.
Caught in a Loop: Big Willy's Realization
00:10:24
Speaker
An old version of Thimble and an old version of you. And Thimble goes, would you like to dance with death as she holds open a book for you? And you recall that this book could either cast inflict wounds or cure wounds.
00:10:40
Speaker
Do you remember what happened here? Yeah, that book is bullshit. Yeah, and you see you walk over to it and touch it and and then then just fall prone.
00:10:52
Speaker
Do you know why i have chosen to show you these two Christmases? To fuck with me. No, it's because as you make your way through this Christmas, you're going to have to be both foolish and brave. but That...
00:11:13
Speaker
yeah um Could you enlighten me more? please You take the time, use the magic to show me memories, and then give me bullshit words at the end of it to say you're going to have to be foolish and brave. o Why can't you ghosts and specters ever just get to the fucking point?
00:11:35
Speaker
And as you do that, you find yourself back in your room and you realize that Thimble is no longer there. And instead, what you hear, just the echoes of Thimble's voice in your heads and goes, it appears my time has run out.
00:11:49
Speaker
But don't worry, here Santa has been. of course, with Santa comes gifts of the present. And as Thimble vanishes back into etherealness and into another worldiness that you can no longer fathom, you find yourself awake and you find yourself with this information that these ogres that you once defeated, when you had a band of heroes around you are now coming to find you.
00:12:21
Speaker
Why you find yourself this time without friends and alone now in the early hours of Christmas day. You find yourself in your room. The house is silent. You could even say that you couldn't even hear the stirring of a mouse.
00:12:35
Speaker
What do you want to do? I see what you're doing there, Mr. Dickens. I would like to fortify my living quarters. Okay. So I need an air gun, paint, and iron firecrackers, a rope,
00:12:57
Speaker
That's tied to a tree house that I can use to make a quick escape for a while. I've trapped the yogas in my house and I need to then make haste.
00:13:09
Speaker
I need have you a floorboard that's easy to collapse. I need a basement with an over graphic scary boiler in it. Okay, and as you as you infringe on a series of copyrights, what what we're going to do is instead have you all of a sudden hear the sound of something. And what's in your room is this wall. It's basically the the wall of the chimney. It always feels warm. Big Willie seems to enjoy sleeping against this. And you hear something pretty much just... off the
00:13:45
Speaker
ah seem to fall down the inside of the chimney and land downstairs in the living room. What do you want to do? That sounds suspect.
00:13:57
Speaker
Do I A, go and check it out and be brave or B, stay in bed and be foolish? Hmm, ponder this, Big Willie does.
00:14:09
Speaker
Take a long time pondering too.
00:14:13
Speaker
As you do that, make a constitution saving throw. Ah, shit!
00:14:19
Speaker
I'm not so good with constitution saving throws, but 11. eleven Yeah, as you ponder that, it's Christmas. It's warm.
00:14:32
Speaker
It's your own bed. It could be a little bit of spiced beef that's caused Thimble to appear as a dream, and Your friends are coming tomorrow. What you need is sleep to be ready for the festive season.
00:14:46
Speaker
And what happens is is that you drift off back to sleep. Ah, foolish I am. Sleep I find. ah And what happens is and you you feel yourself sleep for another hour until all of a sudden you hear the clock
Investigation and Surprise Gift
00:15:02
Speaker
again strike. Only this time, instead of striking a reverberating 12 times, it only strikes once.
00:15:09
Speaker
bo And you come to again and realize that while you were deliberating whether to go back to sleep or be brave, that you fell asleep.
00:15:23
Speaker
And you now find yourself once again, ah hearing what appears to be like a series of rustling coming from downstairs. Well,
00:15:35
Speaker
I chose choice B last time. Time to go downstairs and choose choice A. Time to put my big boy, big willy pants on. Go downstairs, find out what the ruckus is about. Okay. um you Is it a rock gnome that that that's that big willy is? That's a good question. I am finding out now by reading it.
00:15:58
Speaker
I'm a forest gnome. Okay. Apparently a druid and a paladin.
00:16:05
Speaker
The Holy Spirits are alive in me. and Yeah, as you make your way, you how are you approaching this? are you Are you doing this stealthily or are you just heading downstairs? No, so i own house and ah Big Willie spends lots of time by himself. And so Big Willie comes up with different ways to entertain himself in house. And he has recently become the one and only Olympic gold champion stairs d slider, which I jump on Bannister and I slide down. And I've managed to perform a little...
00:16:40
Speaker
few tricks here and there as if I was a tech deck from the 90s and doing little flips and kicks and shit. So this time around, I jump up and I land perfectly.
00:16:54
Speaker
Stairwell in crack of ass. Legs akimbo. Straight downstairs. Brilliant, because what paladins and druids are really in their world for is their acrobatics. Can you roll an acrobatic check for me, please? Yes. Many time been alone.
00:17:12
Speaker
Big Willie, very good at this. And we'll get a fucking crit. Okay. Yeah. As you do this, and you you effectively move with the grace and Christmas panache of Hugh Grant in Love Actually, as he's dancing around the house to girls aloud. You manage to find your way up on the banister. And yeah, you slide down this stairs, leaving a slightly frosted touch from your slightly chilled butt cheeks as you go. Yeah.
00:17:39
Speaker
And as you hop off at the bottom, you feel a slight wave of sadness that no one was around to witness that. Such is life. Big Willy so alone.
00:17:50
Speaker
and and as you find yourself in the library, you you feel a chill. And I don't mean that metaphorically. I mean that literally. As just off to the right from this room is the swimming pool, which has remained frozen over ever since...
00:18:07
Speaker
You fought Hanzuba there two years ago and you can still feel, you can still see almost like the effect of dry ice coming out of that room as as you move past it. and Are you heading towards the living room still?
00:18:21
Speaker
Yeah, shake my head as he sees the swimming pool Home ownership so hard. You set out doing one thing and then something take your mind away and you end up doing something else. And then every now and then you remember you forgot to do the first thing. And this is one of those times. Home ownership is harder than it looks.
00:18:40
Speaker
Let's go fucking yeah leave it ah some more at future Big Willy problem. And let's go find out what this chill is all about. Because, ooh, I can feel that in my bull sack.
00:18:51
Speaker
Yeah, and you see a to-do list ah that has defrost the swimming pool on it and nothing else on it. Fuck! never got around to it. and as you As you walk through past this room, you find yourself in the living room and you see you see the grand gargantuan...
00:19:08
Speaker
almost like you're compensating for something large Christmas tree that that big willy has assembled in this living room at Hag Hill. and You notice that the room and the fires that you lit earlier this evening have have dwindled. that Other things have changed as well. The mince pies and cookies and milk and carrots that you leave for Santa and his reindeer every year in the hope that Santa will pay you another visit like he did two years ago.
00:19:38
Speaker
Well, your hopes have come true because this year the milk is gone, the cookies are gone, and the carrot has been no all that. Oh, my days. And as you clock that, you then notice as well, there is a magnificent, must be potentially five foot tall Christmas tree.
00:20:00
Speaker
A Christmas present, I beg your pardon, nestled next to the Christmas tree.
00:20:07
Speaker
And as you take it, you see it shake. Yeah.
00:20:14
Speaker
Well, hmm. Oddly suspicious shaking parcel. But let me just take a moment here to tell the listeners about my tree and how it's shaped on.
00:20:27
Speaker
It's it's very large. It's very tall. And it took as long trimming it as it did putting it up. And if you were to look at it from bottom all the way to top, it resembles a big shaft in straight upwards vertical motions, but rounded at the top and then right at the bottom.
00:20:48
Speaker
I managed to shape in two round Reef looking circles at the bottom. Very good tree. I'm proud. Sad no one sees it. But Santa might have. He ate all my stuff. Oh, now I'm really excited about this present. And I'll rip it open.
00:21:06
Speaker
Yeah. And as you do that, um you all of a sudden notice that there is a tag on it. And it says, and you only clocked the tag at this point, but it says, it it says, too big Willie from Santa.
00:21:21
Speaker
open up and know the person inside better um what happens is is as you're ripping away all of a sudden this present bursts open and you see a female half elf she has jet red hair and the one thing you notice is that her hands as you open this present are at basically height with your head and you notice these very distinguishable gems that appear to almost be embedded into her hands herself And you notice that she appears to be asleep in an upright position.
00:21:54
Speaker
And as as the as the wrapping paper falls off, um you can see and that she seems to have a staff with her. And there is ah what looks like a traveler's like a pouch at her hip. Can you roll arcana for me?
00:22:13
Speaker
Yes, I can. Very excited. That female. Oh, that was close. It landed on the one and then flipped over for a 25. Oh, very close.
00:22:24
Speaker
It's a bag of holding. like your Your arcane ah insights, your arcane perceptions reveal that at this at this at this girl's hip. And you probably say, girl, is the right age she...
00:22:39
Speaker
For a half elf, she shes she's in her late teens, which is which is effectively means she is incredibly youthful looking. And she has this um yeah this this bag of holding at her hip.
00:22:55
Speaker
Okay, could have done so much more if she was older, but right now I'm going to play it very PG and safe and just at a distance, step backwards and go, wake up!
00:23:10
Speaker
okay yeah um as you do that uh you notice that she doesn't stir at all there's no change that's it
00:23:26
Speaker
what do i have oh oh oh i know um and big will he's gonna run over to the kitchen and grab a cup and fill it with cold water and then come back and if fucking wake up and we'll throw the glass in her face yeah the glass awesome the glass you're literally lobbing the glass out yes because it's really cold and wet and it slipped out of his hands Okay, Pat. and yeah And I meant to say throw the water in her face, but I said throw the glass in her face. So we're going to lean into throw the glass in her face. Okay. Roll for an attack.
00:24:07
Speaker
Yeah, roll for an attack. It's an improvised weapon, which I don't think Big Willy would have any real form of proficiency with, but equally she is unconscious. So let's just make this a straight roll.
00:24:18
Speaker
Seven. Oh, I've been rolling bombs all night and then come up with a seven for the attack. Yeah, it it slips out of your hand and instead crashes into the Christmas tree, which oddly seems to shrivel slightly.
00:24:30
Speaker
No!
00:24:33
Speaker
and And as that happens, and as you scream, all of a sudden you see this, the figure starts to, like like she's starting to just stir, but then just seems to go back to sleep.
00:24:46
Speaker
Fuck!
00:24:48
Speaker
Come on now, I'm pretty sure that someone in my life has been in this position. How to wake up a ah sleeping female. Come on now. don't want to slap her.
00:25:02
Speaker
Mmmmm. Maybe i ah ah um Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
00:25:15
Speaker
as you As you do that... ah Leaning into Christmas. She doesn't wait, but you do notice that the the gems on the back of her hands start to glow.
00:25:26
Speaker
Oh, fuck. It's Christmas spirits. Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh. Off the field we go, laughing all the way. Ha, ha, ha.
00:25:39
Speaker
And as you finish the laughter, all of a sudden her eyes spring open and she looks at you. And it's just wide-eyed looking at you. Fucking this holiday, I swear down.
00:25:51
Speaker
Hi. As you say that, her eyes focus and they come into focus and all the sudden she just goes, Ah! Ah! i don Who the fuck are you the ah Big Willie, don't you recognize me? I saved Christmas. Grumple town hero.
00:26:11
Speaker
Two years running. As that happens, she starts to push the wrapping off her and she comes out and just blows her hair out of her face and goes, What the fuck is Christmas? Where the fuck am I? Where the fuck is Drago? And who the fuck are you? Okay, okay. Um...
00:26:27
Speaker
let's let's Let's step back a bit and realize that you're in my fucking house and show some goddamn respect. I own this place. I save Christmas. Christmas is a ah holiday in which there's merriment, good cheer to all men, women, creatures, and ah ah who am i The fucking hero of Christmas. Who the fuck are you?
00:26:51
Speaker
As she pulls out the wrapping paper, she comes forward and goes, I've done it again, haven't I? Were you Britney Spears? No, I've teleported. The fuck is Britney Spears? I've teleported. This is the Feywild, isn't it?
00:27:04
Speaker
You're a Fey creature. This is a trick, isn't it? I know your game. What are you what you trying and turn me into? Is this Drago? Because he will fucking hate being a gnome. I warn you now. Whichever creature this is. And she now turns to the tree and goes, and if it's you, if this is really a Dread, you need to turn him back. Fucking leave that tree alone. That took his bad side ten hours to shave.
00:27:27
Speaker
You'd understand if you had balls. Look, I'm going to level with you. Me and my friend. I'm a teleporter, right? And I was trying to take me and my friend somewhere and somehow think I've ended up wherever this is. Now, if I'm here, it means he's here somewhere as well.
00:27:48
Speaker
Now I need to find him and then get out of here.
Troll Threat and Magical Mishap
00:27:52
Speaker
Can you help me with that? What? You come into my house dressed as a present and then no wakey. I wake you up, which, by the way, sorry about the bump on your head. ah But I wake you up and you demand me to go and help save your friend.
00:28:12
Speaker
Like, I have a problem of my own. This is Gumpelton. This is Hag Hill. Big house. And I have two very large trolls who I ah killed in previous years, but back for in the same way that um Emperor Palpatine just came back.
00:28:32
Speaker
They're back and they want to kill me and they come into my house. And last time I had many friends. I am very popular, but my stock not so high at moment. So not so popular, not so many friends.
00:28:45
Speaker
Gonna die.
00:28:49
Speaker
I have no idea what you just said. Great. aren you That's two of us. And she's going to walk past you is going start going.
00:29:00
Speaker
Right. Anyway, where else could my friend be? what what What's through here? And as she opens that, she finds that she she she goes into goes into the cupboard and goes... i Look, I haven't cleaned for a long time. I live by myself. Standards are not so high.
00:29:14
Speaker
What the heck is this? Listen, just ah put the doll away. Just don't put it near sharp ah objects. It will deflate. It's a... It's a doll. It's ah it's a companion doll.
00:29:27
Speaker
I get lonely. It's nothing seedy.
00:29:32
Speaker
I'll just take it back. puts it back and Yeah, she puts it back in because she hands it. Come here, Amanda. There we go. we Just call that thing Amanda. Amanda, not Amanda. Amanda.
00:29:44
Speaker
Right. Right. I get a fucking name. that I'm starting to think it's best that you're not there when I find Drago, because he's going to be angry that I've teleported into the wrong place and he's going to especially dislike you. So yeah great. Just my fucking house. You guys can do a jog on.
00:30:04
Speaker
Right. Sure. Gladly jog on. Once I found a big silver dragonborn. Okay. Fuck. And as she does that, she walks into the kitchen and goes, what the hell are you?
00:30:17
Speaker
Why is that smell? Listen, listen. Okay. When I try and cook, sometimes it go awfully wrong. And this time it went awfully wrong. And I just didn't clean it up. But there's nothing wrong with just 14 day old meat.
00:30:34
Speaker
Left out. To rot. The flies like it and I like the company. and i like what one of these And she's just got this pile of Christmas cards and that that clearly just from years before that have just piled up. And she starts opening them and goes, No, no, no! reallyie From Willy, have a Merry Christmas. Do you write? Have you written these to yourself? No, I have many Willy friends.
00:31:01
Speaker
But I'm the biggest.
00:31:04
Speaker
That's why they call me Big Willy. Big Willy, pleased to meet you. Merry Christmas. I am very confused over what's going on, but it still, it's nice to have company. Can I interest you in some meat? It's ah the flies like it.
00:31:20
Speaker
ah Yeah. And as you notice that something seems to have stopped her in her tracks as she contemplates one of the cards. and ah roll Roll Insight for me with advantage.
00:31:36
Speaker
Let's go for insight. That's a 16. Yeah, that's enough. and As you peer at her, you can see that she's just looking at one of these cards and she just seems to be transfixed by the image of this one, which seems to have a small bird on the front, ah a little robin. And she just seems to be staring at this card for a second before she just puts it to one side and goes, look, I just want to find my friend and get out of here, okay?
00:32:03
Speaker
And she makes her way back into the living room. In fact, why that one? Big Willy will shuffle over to the card and pick it up. Yeah, and you can see it's just ah a little Christmas card and it's just a little Robin in the snow. And it says ah nothing quite like being with friends and family for Christmas.
00:32:27
Speaker
I remember this. and Bring tear to Willy i single tear to Big Willy. Come back. And Willie will shuffle off after his new companion. Yeah. And and ah as as she makes her way through, all of a sudden she she starts to go,
00:32:46
Speaker
right what brett it it what's in there? It feels really cold. And and well, my my friend's pretty good with cold. So I'm going to go in here. OK, you ask questions and then just do it anyway. So fuck it. Yeah.
00:32:59
Speaker
Off you pop. Great. Great. That's terrific. and that's she She pushes the door and it's locked and she goes, it's locked. Yeah. Now what you gotta do?
00:33:14
Speaker
Do you have a key?
00:33:17
Speaker
Uh, Maybe. My memory's not so good. Been a while since I've been in there. Can't remember where Key is. sakes God's sakes. This has to be the Feywild, and you have to be some kind of trick, because you're really annoying. and what she's goingnna do I'm a trick, not a trick.
00:33:34
Speaker
She goes to cast Knock on the door, and what happens is that she tries to cast a spell. Her hands, the rude diamonds in her hands just flickering. what And all of a sudden she transforms into a gnome and she looks at you and just all of a sudden goes, why am I now the same size as you?
00:33:56
Speaker
Why do you say that disparagingly?
00:34:00
Speaker
She looks at her hands and can see that bark and moss on them and goes and then looks at you and goes, no no no no no no no no no No, no, no, no, no. And she turns and sees herself in the mirror. And ah much like a kid in the much-loved film slapping his face with aftershave, she just goes, ah and that Why the fuck do I look like you?
00:34:23
Speaker
i don't know. Your spell. Well, that wasn't what tried to cast. I tried to unlock the door and somehow I now look like you. Is this a beard?
00:34:34
Speaker
What the hell have you got growing in here? And she starts like flicking out the stuff out of the beard. It's really good for keeping food in. More than 14 day old meat in my beard.
00:34:46
Speaker
Turn me back. She marches over to you. Turn me back right now. Whatever you've done. Yeah. Okay. i See, this confusion ain't going away anytime soon. I can't do shit or... And I don't have any answers for you.
00:35:02
Speaker
Great. Can we get in here or not? Yeah. I just can't remember how. What do you think I am? Some automaton with some amazing memory?
00:35:15
Speaker
Wrong campaign.
00:35:19
Speaker
But he definitely not the automaton I think of because you certainly talk a lot more than he does. And as you say that she's going to push back past into the living room. um and And all of a sudden, she's just all of a sudden now flicking for a bag of holding and she's going to pull out. There must be something I can have to undo this, whatever it is. It's got be wild magic. It has to be. Don't worry, Ren. It happens all the time. You've cast wild magic run before. It's OK. What's this?
00:35:50
Speaker
When did you put these in my bag of holding? And she's holding up a load of scrolls. When did you put these in my bag of holding? Yeah, okay. um You really need to calm the fuck down and understand that you're in someone else's house and there's rules about these things. And right now I'm being awfully kind and pleasant, apart from the throwing a glass at you. um But still, rules of engagement, toots.
00:36:14
Speaker
I'm the man of the house. when they thought I don't know what's going on. And I have no no clue as to what you are, who you are, and why you're here.
00:36:26
Speaker
Anything on your person come from you, not come from Big Willie. Trust me, you'd know if it come from Big Willie. Well, then, who are the fuck is Santa? She says as she holds up the scrolls.
00:36:39
Speaker
I mean... Well, fuck, if you don't know who Santa is, we're in for a real rough time, especially around this time of year.
00:36:49
Speaker
He a big jolly guy who shakes his belly like a bowl for jelly. And he takes his time to deliver presents to all the people he loves most.
00:37:01
Speaker
It's why I get a lot. And it's called Christmas. It's the season to be jolly and joyous. And he most jolly and joyous out of all of us.
00:37:15
Speaker
So, I find myself in a world where an intruder comes in your house and enforces you to be jolly. You eat meat that's 14 days old. and the past That's a big willy special. your dad not just knowed you would You go to any other house in the street, you wouldn't find that.
00:37:30
Speaker
you you You have weird dolls that keep you company. and Leave Manda out of this. She's had a hard life. She was owned by some nudes person before.
00:37:45
Speaker
What's a nudes? Don't know. Maybe you'll find out. Send invite. No reply. Going through like a goth stage, I believe.
00:37:59
Speaker
What a goth.
00:38:04
Speaker
Yeah, so that's where you find yourself. And I don't know how best to help you and or this supposed friend of yours. you Seriously, ah you might need to get your head look out because you say friends. I see no one here. And talking to someone who also says friends, maybe we could be friends.
00:38:26
Speaker
Sure. Big Willy, what's your name? this My name is not Toots, by the way. It's Wren. Yeah, well, okay, lead with that then, Ren. And these scrolls are now addressed to me.
00:38:40
Speaker
They are two. Well, says Little Willie. I assume that still means you. And they're from... Can't be me. Must be my nephew. Do you want these scrolls or not?
00:38:53
Speaker
but Yes, but I didn't want to go rooting around in no bag of holding. And she just throws them over to you. And as you ah you you inspect these scrolls, you notice that they are three scrolls that are clearly been left by Santa to help you. A scroll of grease, if you know the spell grease. um A scroll of burning hands.
00:39:17
Speaker
And then a scroll of major image.
00:39:25
Speaker
Ah, very good. I know all these spells. I am master in arts of spellcraft. Well, I ain't casting anything else until I figure out why I'm a gnome after I tried to unlock a door, which apparently you have a key to, but you can't find.
00:39:42
Speaker
Well, it's been a while. Memory not so good. Also, you know when you just put a job off for so long, you forget all the steps...
00:39:55
Speaker
that you took when doing the job in the first place and you leave it half done and you realize if you're gonna do it, you have to redo all the other steps. That's me right now. Like imagine playing video game, you put video game down for six months and you go back to it and like, what a fuck is going on? And so you start game again. And then in another six months, you leave it for another six months and it just cycles round. So no, I don't know where the key is.
00:40:25
Speaker
Great. The only part of that sentence that I needed was the last few words. Just by the way. Me and you are going to get on famously. As that happens, all of a sudden you hear another thud on the roof.
00:40:40
Speaker
What the hell was that? She says Ren is completely spooked by it. Well, probably Santa, given in the fact that it's Christmas Day and I'm his favourite.
00:40:50
Speaker
I thought you said Santa had already been... We've been to you. Haven't been to me.
00:40:59
Speaker
right. And then all of a sudden you hear what sounds like something banging on the ceiling. um He can be sometimes um a bit loud.
00:41:13
Speaker
And all of a sudden you then hear a voice calling. We know you're here, kid, and that you're all alone. we do Okay, not Santa.
00:41:25
Speaker
Not Santa. We just want to chat. If you just come outside and give us the spirit of Christmas. Oh, fuck.
00:41:36
Speaker
In season's greetings and warm tides, we'll leave you alone.
00:41:43
Speaker
Hey, Ren, random question, not consequential to anything going on right now. But if I was to say that you were the spirit of Christmas, would you go along with it?
00:41:56
Speaker
What is that? Random question. Are they ogres on your ceiling? Why there ogres on your ceiling? I thought they were trolls. Ah, yes, ogres. That's who they are.
00:42:08
Speaker
Two of them. Trolls? It doesn't seem to matter. it just seems They seem to be on your roof and they seem to be saying they're not here to hurt you. But ah I'm not particularly insightful, I guess, but I think they might be lying. Yeah, they carry out a suspicious undertone. I agree.
00:42:23
Speaker
Right, cool. um And all of a sudden you hear a crash as a window upstairs smash. And then all of a sudden you hear, I can't feel in the window. Get in there and get that little bastard.
00:42:38
Speaker
ah And you can just hear this commotion happening. Are they breaking in? but the Yeah, they're breaking in. Just give me one moment, please. And Big Willy's going to run around to the stairs and he's going to pull out the scroll of Greece as he does so. um And on the stairs, he's just going to open the scroll up and read it out the incantation. And then as he pushes his hands out, scroll wrapped up like crudely in one hand, his other hand jutting out, um the the stairs start to sweat.
00:43:14
Speaker
and it starts to slime and it's this kind of pale green snot-like colour that starts to ooze and drip down the first top step and then as it pulls it goes to the step underneath and underneath and underneath and then before long the stairs are slippery and greasy Nice.
00:43:37
Speaker
Nice. And as that happens, you then all of a sudden hear this another crush and you hear brickwork almost like it's falling in as these two ogres have clearly forced themselves into the landing and you can hear them throwing doors open and going, where are you, you little bastard?
Ogres, Chaos, and Fiery Mistake
00:43:54
Speaker
Down here, fuckface, but you won't be able to catch me. Yeah, and as you you then hear these ogres come down and one of them points and you see this, what appears to be this frozen ogre that his face is just contorted with like this what looks like imprint of what is looks like a sausage, but you would know to be basically your phallus of where you managed to jump up and freeze this thing. And it sees you in the eyes, which can't bulge any anymore, they do, just seem to become more alert and just start to go, boom and this other ogre bursts past and goes,
00:44:27
Speaker
I'll get the little bastard, don't you worry! And start to make his way down the stairs. And I'm going to make him roll this at disadvantage because it's Christmas. Yeah. ah Five minus two on a dexterity means he rolls free and he's going to bubble but but but but but bla but fall down the stairs. And what you see is this ogre that starts to fall. Instead of falling down the stairs, eventually the banister crashes in and he just falls over the other side and he takes. You can roll this as it's Christmas. Can you roll me 2d6, please?
00:44:59
Speaker
2d6. Oh, my days. Merry Christmas, me. That's a six. Yeah, okay. that ah As he falls, he takes six points of bludgeoning damage as he lands on the floor. And all of a sudden, w Ren comes through and goes, What the fuck?
00:45:17
Speaker
Did you just cast Grease on the stairs? Was that ogre stupid enough to walk on it? Yeah, a lot of stupid shit about to happen here. One of them is from me. Move out of the way. And Willy, not knowing what to do, but knowing that this is a this dangerous situation and probably wants to hide himself, is going to cast darkness on the point of where the troll fell.
00:45:41
Speaker
And so in a 15-foot radius sphere, ah this dark... darkness kind of seeps out and billows and he's going to grab a big one he's then going to grab ren's wrist as the darkness starts to envelop and just before it gets to him and ren he's going to pull her back into the sitting room area yeah okay so all of a sudden you hear this darkness and then all of a sudden you can just hear
00:46:06
Speaker
as this ah ice troll which was trying to edge its way down the stairs has all a sudden been engulfed in darkness. And also, thanks to that, it's had to repeat its dexterity saving throw to avoid the grease as it now can't see it and has also fallen. You get to roll 2d6 again. Oh shit, Big Willy's just fucking on it.
00:46:25
Speaker
It's the three! Listeners, I'm using the term troll and ogre indiscriminately. They are, if you're keeping score, mechanically ogres. It's just I like to call them Christmas trolls. And and this ogre then all of a sudden just falls down the stairs and all of a sudden hears the other one.
00:46:43
Speaker
You hear the other one go, Get off me! Woo-woo-woo-woo! get and And as they get all of a sudden you can just hear this this fury of just this stuff moving around in the darkness. Ow! Ow!
00:46:56
Speaker
Oh, sorry! As these two ogres are just frantically trying to find their way in. And then one of them goes, Oh, I'm in pain. Oh, it's okay. Oh, look.
00:47:09
Speaker
I found a book by the master. And as they hold up this book, yeah there's only one book that you could think that these ogres that have found that could be the master. And it is the book of Hans Ube, the lost elven prince. The lost half-elf prince, as it was last year, that they have found. who oh you oh okay but He opens the book and goes, and all of a sudden you just hear this...
00:47:35
Speaker
as the as what as this ogre is inflicted with inflict wounds and you then hear this as the ogre falls down. and All of a sudden you you hear the other ogre go, Don't worry. I'll get him.
00:47:54
Speaker
And all of a sudden he's just now just starting to frantically find his way around and does eventually find the door and starts banging against it. Bang. Open the door, you little shit. You hear, bang.
00:48:06
Speaker
Okay, so, Predicaman, what can you do against a big troll slash ogre? What can I do? Last time I tried to turn a spell, I turned into you, so I'm not entirely sure what I can do right now. I'm quite a powerful spellcaster, but wherever I am, something here is playing with my magic, which means I now look like you, which I'm still not thrilled about, by the way. Yeah, I can tell that.
00:48:32
Speaker
And then all of a sudden, Asda does it again, the door flies open. You see the frozen ogre go, and she goes, don't what I can do, but that fucker's made of ice. um Burn him. And she remember as she points to you, as she points to the scroll. that i can't believe I've got to do this again. Oh, fuck.
00:48:48
Speaker
you have to Move out of the way. touchts And ah Big Willy will take a running jump and he'll land two feet on the very springy but old sofa. It's one of those comfortable ones that kind you sink into. But if you really try hard, you can get a good one last bounce on it and this sofa looks like it's got one last good bounce in it and he hits he's aiming for that perfect center point of the cushion to give himself enough gusto to land on the troll's face as he pulls out burning the burning hands scroll and if all this goes to plan he's going to burn the fucking ice troll
00:49:32
Speaker
Yeah, this is like a lair for you. So you're going to get an environmental bonus here. You're going to get to roll acrobatics at advantage this time as you bounce on a sofa that you've probably done many times before.
00:49:44
Speaker
Many times. It's got one last good spring on it. yeah Him and Manda have been using it ah quite a lot. But unfortunately, that being said, it's only a nine.
00:49:56
Speaker
Yeah, you go to all of a sudden at spring onto this sofa and you fly upwards into the air and as you open the scroll and cast Burning Hands, what you do instead is you engulf and a bit of the wall behind you and all of a sudden...
00:50:13
Speaker
As this burning hand flies out, you completely miss the ogre in entirety and manage to start setting fire to to bits of the house behind you. And she'll go, Jesus Christ, what are you doing? You'll hear Ren say, Fucking up.
00:50:30
Speaker
god okay up Okay, I'm going to try this. um Fuck it. And she's going to haul Scorching Ray or attempt to at this ogre. She's going to have to roll. Oh, on a 18, Ren all of a sudden turns back into a half-elf and is able to just throw these scorching rolls at this ah ogre that just seems to actually cause the ogre to start to melt.
00:50:54
Speaker
And as it happens, it runs back into the darkness and you can still just hear these two ogres just just fondling and falling around in the darkness. ah And as that happens, the clock is going to strike 2 a.m.
00:51:11
Speaker
And I need Big Willy to make a constitution saving throw, please. Oh, fuck.
00:51:22
Speaker
That's a 12.
00:51:26
Speaker
Yeah, you start to drift and you start to fall into a state of unconsciousness as you fall asleep.
00:51:40
Speaker
You wake later and you find yourself in the swimming pool and you find yourself encased in ice.
Trapped in Ice
00:51:48
Speaker
And if you glance around, you can see Ren next to you. And you can see these two ogres just gleefully jumping around on this swimming pool as cracks start to form in the pool.
00:52:03
Speaker
we got the wooo And they're just absolutely thrilled with their cells for finally having caught you. And they're going come over and just stare at the ice and go, Do you know how we came back?
00:52:16
Speaker
Little Willy. ah Big Willy. And it's fucking cold. Can you just like let me out? Drop your backscore first. This isn't your home.
00:52:27
Speaker
Yeah. This isn't your home. You're a squatter. At least that's what she told us. A squatter. Yeah.
00:52:39
Speaker
Do you know who we're talking? Her name is Mel and she said that this is her house and you had no right to live here and that if she brought us back, we could stay as long as we help deliver her you.
00:53:03
Speaker
Well, you must be very proud of yourself. May I suggest to celebrate you eat a feast of meat. And if you were hungry enough, you would find meat fresh, very fresh in kitchen. Would recommend you go eat that to celebrate because clearly you have defeated me. And I am the great big willy.
00:53:27
Speaker
Christmas savior, two years in row. So go eat, celebrate the feast. i am it. i am defeated.
00:53:37
Speaker
Yeah, we already found your meat. And you can see what they other the second troll, the one that isn't made of ice, is just waving this this leg of rancid meat around. it's just biting into it and going, 14 days, the way I like it. I'm going to wait 14 days to eat you.
00:54:00
Speaker
ah And then all of a sudden you hear just this voice whisper on the wind and it goes... Enough.
00:54:09
Speaker
You can have the gnome, but only when I'm done with it. And you see the pool doors at the far end just swing open.
00:54:20
Speaker
And you see this monstrous, monstrous shades of dark blue with chains of what look like decrepit Christmas baubles around her neck.
00:54:31
Speaker
haggard teeth, giant warts on her nose, stringly hair that looks like loose bits of tinsel that have come loose from the main tinsel thread, and these eyes that seem to glisten like dark purple Christmas baubles.
00:54:47
Speaker
And this sagging, haggard body as this monstrous hag, night hag, walks in and points at both you and Ren and goes,
00:55:01
Speaker
I wanted the gnome. What's the girl? And the ogre's go, we don't know. It must be a friend. It was here when when we when you you put the right when you put the gnome to sleep.
00:55:16
Speaker
And the hag just retorts with this, that gnome doesn't have any friends. So I'll ask you again. who is the girl?
00:55:28
Speaker
o Who are you? And you notice that Ren doesn't seem to reply, but instead just holds up a single finger to these two ogres as they ask her that question. bo Apparently she's one of these. And the ogre turns and points its finger up straight back at the hag. You stupid!
00:55:51
Speaker
And as she coughs, you can see... that haggard kind of like tooth falls out of her mouth and whatever has happened to Mel since you last saw her appears that losing Hag Hill has had a horrid effect on her and it probably gives you insights into why this place was called Hag Hill in the first place ah Do you know what this little fucker did? What this little fucker did?
00:56:19
Speaker
He was so glorious was Hans. And they threw him off a tower. And then when I tried to bring him back, they stopped it. Well, if Hans can't defeat Christmas and destroy Christmas, I guess it falls to me to do it.
00:56:36
Speaker
And since you've got no friends this time, you wretched little gnome, save for a girl who appears to have got selected newtism, must be like that one that you used to hang around with with the reindeer.
00:56:53
Speaker
and You leave Balthazar alone. If he was here, he would have some strong silent words for you.
00:57:03
Speaker
Oh, Balvasar will be here tomorrow. I'm counting on it, along with that wretched tortle and its stupid jokes about its stupid social medias, along with that stupid fairy and that giant goliath, and I'm going to have my revenge on all of you.
00:57:26
Speaker
For you see, this year... There is nothing coming to help you. There are no saviours of past Christmases coming to save you. It is just me and you and that curious half-elf who's arrived.
00:57:44
Speaker
And it appears as if this time I'm going to win. And as she says this you notice that darkness is now starting to envelop and swarm around her.
00:57:59
Speaker
And all of a sudden you notice in the corner of your eye that Ren has started to cast a spell and she appears to be holding it to the ice as if she she's identified something about this swimming pool.
Confrontation with the Dragonborn and the Hag's Threat
00:58:16
Speaker
And what happens is is that this crack starts to appear in the ice. And as she looks up, she goes, I don't know anything about this Christmas, you stupid ugly hag.
00:58:27
Speaker
And you can keep me and him in this ice for as long as you like. But I've noticed something about what appears to be incarcerated in this pool.
00:58:39
Speaker
And right now, I'd be worried about your Christmas future. And what happens is that the ice starts to crack. These two ogres look, who as they both stand to one side and a figure, a figure probably pissed off at finding himself on a strange plane incarcerated in ice, starts to pull himself out of the ice and almost looking like he stepped out of a bath and the ice itself like misting and forming and and almost kind of like smoldering off this figure.
00:59:14
Speaker
something you've done many times before, Ian, but why don't you describe who is currently pulling himself out of the icy waters of this pool? Oh, seven and a half foot of pure, lean, muscular dragonborn, looking like an upside down Dorito. His traps are massive. and his pecs and it comes down to his chiseled abs but he doesn't skip leg day because his quads are huge as he pulls himself up his muscles flexing as if he's a prime arnold schwarzenegger in his bodybuilding days and he shakes back his dragonborn head and all his dragon scales and the curls of his um
00:59:57
Speaker
Spikes start to just glisten as it shakes as he shakes off the water. His tail kind of whip him back as he pulls himself up and a great big great axe just starts to get unsheathed from his back as Drago, the paladin dragonborn emerges from the pool, of the icy depths with a fury in his eyes as he locks up.
01:00:24
Speaker
upon the evil pricks of this scene yeah and as he glances at these two ogres who just seem to hover back singly all of a sudden you see this monstrous hag kind of goes well what do we have here claiming to be a haunting from my future let's see uh can drago make a wisdom saving throw please oh let's do this double duty on the characters it's been a while since i've rolled for drago it's yeah skipping a 27 that uh she goes looking for weakness and what she sees is this monstrous this monstrous demigod devil striding across a battlefield she sees grisette
01:01:16
Speaker
And what she sees is just this monstrous evil that is far more powerful than her is felled by this Dragonborn. And she sees the heroic adventures. She sees you teleporting with this girl outside of Shadow Men. She sees you slaying shadows. She sees you defeating Merishaluk, the great leader of the 1T.
01:01:39
Speaker
And she sees your adventures across the Sword Coast and beyond. She sees the companions that mean the most to you. And like a figure in a Christmas story of old, she sees a terrifying future in her future if she tries to fight you.
01:02:01
Speaker
realizing she needs to be at her full strength she immediately snaps back into the room and all of a sudden it's the ogre's turn to look with fear as she holds out this hand and these enfeebling rays hit these ogres as they both just immediately turn to ash and ice as she absorbs their power into her and this hag that looks quite feeble becomes more and more powerful stands on one end of this pool staring at drago and goes christmas is mine and no hero of this realm or any other will stop me and as she says that that's where we will end this week's episode of the fellowship of the tabletop
01:02:52
Speaker
Oh, fucking Merry Christmas, y'all. It's gonna get icy up in this bush.
01:03:01
Speaker
Ah, Darren. Yeah. We did end movement it. Yeah. A one-on-one session. One-on-one session. Bringing in many and copyright infringement across yeah yeah films from our generation.
01:03:15
Speaker
Not that we're dating ourselves at all with any mainstream reference that we've been dropping. Yeah, absolutely. None none whatsoever. Don't know what you talk about. Don't we're talking about Yeah, exactly. Don't write in and complain.
01:03:27
Speaker
Don't jingle all the way at us. yeah Put the cookie down and don't don't reach for the phone. dating myself the same phone. Anyway, guys, thank you for tuning in and listening, making us part of your everyday week.
01:03:42
Speaker
We extremely love you all. as Wish you the most merry, merry of the festive times and hope that you've all found a festive sparkle over the last few weeks. We will be coming back and ending this ah little Christmas side story next Friday.
01:04:02
Speaker
So do tune in then. But until then, this is me. Hi. If you want to see me on Twitter, on X, I'm at iRod1. This is Darren.
01:04:14
Speaker
I'm at DarrenPage06. And we are going to drop a farewell on your asses right now. Farewell!