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EP 18: Friendships
2.4k Plays2 years ago
Prioritizing friendships is a topic that comes up alot for mothers and this week the moms discuss specifically their friendships with people who don’t have kids. They speak about the challenges and the beauty of having friends in different life stages and how these friends can be the best at making you feel connected to your pre-mom life. They cover the importance of staying connected to people who make you feel good, taking girls trips, and the power of honest communiciation.
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Transcript
Candace's Intro Mishaps
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it. Oh, we're going to get into it. What up? Our bumping Betty's. My name is Candace and I'm here with my two best friends, Shannon and Candace. And welcome back to the mom group chat podcast. Oh my God. The news is out. You're your own best friend.
00:00:29
Speaker
Oh, is that what I said? Yeah, you said you're here with your two best friends, Shannon and Candice. Did I? Yeah, I think we should just keep it, honestly. I know. Honestly, I feel like we should leave it. Oh my God, I am my own best friend. Everyone, Candice messes this up every time she does it, and it's the funniest freaking thing ever.
Pregnancy Announcement Ideas
00:00:50
Speaker
And you know what's crazy is I literally came today feeling like I'm so prepared to do the intro. Like I had an idea. Like it's the first one we're recording since announcing my pregnancy. And in our group track yesterday, we were talking about bumps and I was like, I got an idea. I'm ready. And I still fucked it up.
00:01:10
Speaker
It's the hardest part of this show, I think. You're like so hard at this point. You know, soon we're just going to prerecord this shit and I'm just going to be able to press play. And because I can't I can't get it right. If we were, I didn't even realize. But I think it's a good lesson that we should all be our own best friends.
00:01:32
Speaker
Yeah. And Whitney, you are one of my best friends. I'm so sorry that I didn't say you're so well. I mean, what's that about Candace? I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I thought it was funny. I didn't even hear it. I moved right into like, Oh my God, we're free. We can talk about we're pregnant. I know. That's where I was hoping 99% sure. But now I'm like, there's a seed of doubt. I'm pretty sure you said.
Surprise Baby Bump
00:01:58
Speaker
Shannon, I probably does. I in my track record will show that I will fuck it up. So I'm sure that I said it wrong. But no, we are some bumping Betty's. I texted them. I texted Shannon and Whitney yesterday and was like, I am 12 and a half weeks. I'll be 13 weeks on Monday. And I already have a full ass baby bump.
00:02:21
Speaker
Mm hmm. It hits you hard that second round. Well, for me, it happened like overnight. It felt like like all of a sudden I woke up on Tuesday and I was like, wait a second. I have a bump. Like it just happened out of nowhere. And even and one of the worst things about it is that my husband was the one who kind of was like, damn, you already have a bump. And I was like, must you must you bring that up? Thank you for noticing.
00:02:51
Speaker
Yeah. I did notice though, like I did not. I don't know why I'm doing this, but I have weighed myself a few times and every time you go to the doctor, they weigh you.
00:03:01
Speaker
And I haven't gained as much weight as it looks like I have. I think the bump just starts protruding, but it's full of air. It's just like your uterus is like, what's up? I'm ready for action. Let's get big. It's air. And there's really nothing in it. It's just getting large. And you're like, thanks, but it's too soon. Well, I wish I had the same experience as you.
00:03:29
Speaker
Man, every time I go to the doctor, I can't even look at the
Doctors' Visits and Weighing Publicly
00:03:32
Speaker
scale. I'm like, I don't want to know. Well, any time Vincent, Vincent, why did I just call him that? I never call him that. That is so proper. Any time Vinny says he wants to go to the doctor with me, like I'm internally panicking because I don't know the way your doctor set up, but the the scale is like in the hallway of like
00:03:58
Speaker
like it's right inside of the hallway from the waiting room and so they like call your name and then you like stop at the scale and weigh yourself and like fuck so yeah and so so the last time i went with vinny you know he's in the waiting room with me he gets up and we like walk and there's no where
00:04:19
Speaker
to hide like you know what I mean like there's nowhere for him I'm just like trying to hide my use my body to like hide the number on the scale because I'm like please but okay actually did y'all experiences when you gave birth in order to give you the right amount of epidural they have to put your weight on the board
00:04:41
Speaker
They did that for me. Okay. So there's like a whiteboard in your room and it has some of your like stats and vitals. And like, they'll ask you if you're, if you're, if your baby has a name and they'll write like welcoming Alice or something, whatever. But in order for the anesthesiologist to give you the correct amount of anesthesia and like epidural, they wrote my weight on the whiteboard in the hospital room.
00:05:09
Speaker
I don't remember that, but I'm traumatizing like, thanks. I know, but I know my skill is in the exam room and the nurses always like, do you mind if I grab your weight? And I'm like,
00:05:24
Speaker
I mean, I don't want you to. Yes. But sure. I mean, I guess this is the doctor. So like you have to know. Yeah. It's like, do you mind? Yeah. Mine's the same way. Candace, it's like you're at the fucking circus. It's like, step right up, folks. See how much she weighs today. And it's like, yeah, it's like out in the open. Yeah. So any time Vinnie is like, do you want me to come to your appointment? I'm like, it's cool. I'm good. You don't have to come. It's fine. You don't need to be there. I tell Chris to turn around like.
00:05:53
Speaker
I'm that psycho about it. I think I would too. Honestly, like next time we go, if he does come with me for my 20 week anatomy scan, I feel like I'm going to be like, look away.
Concerns About Toddlers' Behavior
00:06:05
Speaker
I just don't want to introduce. Well, I do want him to come for the anatomy scan, which like we can't find a babysitter right now. And I'm kind of sad because they have me doing my anatomy scan at seven 30 in the morning. Wow. They're literally impossible to schedule. But anyways, the rest of the appointments I'm like,
00:06:22
Speaker
I don't want him to know that nothing happens. I kind of want him to think it's an important part of my schedule because it takes a while. It's kind of like me time. It's annoying if you have a bunch of stuff you want to get done, but oftentimes I'm like, I'm going to be sitting in that waiting room for a while. I'm going to bring my book. I'm going to be alone for 60 to 90 minutes and literally nothing's going to happen. So I try and keep or
00:06:52
Speaker
qualified in my calendar as like me time. But like for Andrew, I'm like, oh, I got to go to the doctor. I have a doctor's appointment, you know, it's like really important. But if he knew that all that happened was I get weighed and then they're like, you're still pregnant. Good job. Then he would be like, why are you going all the time? I have to. Yeah, you have to. Yeah, it's really important.
00:07:17
Speaker
I hope he does get to go. That's the fun one. I know. I'm going to have to figure something out. It was like, maybe we can bring TJ, but TJ is like literally a windup toy right now. Like
00:07:32
Speaker
that never unwinds. I was thinking about going onto our IG, like I might have to do this soon and just be like, boy, mom's out there. Like, what's happening? Like, do I need to be concerned? Like, I feel like I'm getting to that place where I'm like, is he hyperactive? Like, is this normal?
00:07:52
Speaker
I don't know.
00:08:09
Speaker
but this child is literally bouncing off the walls every minute he's awake. It's crazy. I feel like I need an example because I definitely wouldn't say that Alice is hyper, but she's busy. So I'm like, is it the same or is it different? You know what I mean? He will not do one activity for more than 60 seconds.
00:08:36
Speaker
It's like, look at this for 60 seconds and then like run to the other side of the house and then try and like open cabinets for 60 seconds and then try and get up the stairs. He's not supposed to go up the stairs and then he'll like scream because he can't get up the stairs and then he'll like run to a chair and climb up the chair. And it's just like, like imagine like a ping pong, just like ping ponging around, never, never staying still for more than 60 seconds. And I'm like, I love his spirit. And I do, I do, but I'm like,
00:09:07
Speaker
Can you sit with a coloring book for like five minutes and like you can't do anything for more than a minute or two? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. And it's just the gradient will just scream and be like, oh, like it's just like non stop. And if you tell them, no, great, this is going to be fun. Knock down, drag out. He's gotten to where like I have this like large painting in my house, like in the kitchen area.
00:09:36
Speaker
And he knows not to touch it, but to piss me off. He'll go and bang on it. And I'm like, Graydon, do you want to do this? And we stare at each other like, yeah, let's go. I'm seeing, because we have aunts and uncles around right now, I'm seeing that thing that happens where they listen to other people and not to you.
00:09:55
Speaker
Does that, does Gregden do that? Like Claire, my sister-in-law will be like, no TJ. And he'll like stop what he's doing. And he's like, okay. And I'm like, no TJ. And he's like, I'm going to climb the stairs, man. And I'm like, they push the mom and dad's buttons because they're comfortable with you. So.
00:10:19
Speaker
So I am excited that you both are having girls because Alice is definitely busy, but it is not like that. It's different. Right now she's very into her dolls and it's almost like she likes jobs. She likes tasks.
00:10:41
Speaker
and she has her little tykes car that I know is an outside toy but honestly we use it more inside of the house than we do outside but she likes to load her dollies and put them in her little car and she'll do all of this like quietly or she'll like quietly talk to them while she's loading them in the car and then she'll she'll close the door and it's almost like okay that task is done and then she'll open up the door and she'll grab her dollies
00:11:06
Speaker
and she'll walk them back to her little chair in her playroom and she'll put them there. And then she, it's like, she's busy, but she's not like chaotic or like, it's very, it's girl energy. It's like, we're busy and we're focused and she's chatty, but she's not like that, you know? I am just so curious for the comparison on them both. Like that's what I keep telling Chris. I'm like,
00:11:32
Speaker
She's got to be calmer. There's no way that there's two of these going to be in my house.
00:11:43
Speaker
Yeah. I'm feel like that's what's going to happen because every little girl that I know is more chill and the boys are a little more crazy. It's like the boys want to like physically conquer their, their space. Like I feel like teachers just constantly like trying to get higher, climb, like just wants to like,
00:12:02
Speaker
physically conquer his area. And girls are more like task oriented. But it makes me remember like kindergarten and remember like, thinking the boys were insane. Because they would like, they're so hyper crazy. And I was like, that boy is insane. And I'm like, that's gonna be TJ in school. Like crazy kid who's like, like spinning around in circles and
00:12:30
Speaker
The last two little girls we've interacted with, one, Graydon hit her with a stick, like a tree limb. And she cried. And I was like, that's his way of saying hi. And then the other girl, we went to the birthday party and he just got in her face and just screamed. And she started crying and I was like, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do about this. He's wild. I'm sorry. He's like, not at that age, right?
00:12:59
Speaker
can teach him like, no, like don't do that. But yeah, we're trying. I mean, yeah, that's why I want to get a taught like a behavioralist on here behavioral psychologist, which candidacy probably know some of this from college, but like, when can they learn?
Teaching Kids Responsibility
00:13:20
Speaker
Because right now I feel like
00:13:22
Speaker
there's only, all I can do is like redirect and try and like distract him. But I don't know if he's actually learning anything at this point. I think I'm thinking it's between two and three is when you start. I don't know. I feel like Alice, like Alice knows her colors now. I'll hold something up and she knows the color of it. And I leave like work, but it's not like,
00:13:49
Speaker
He doesn't know like, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, he's learning language. Like he can be like, that's a lamp. And like, that's a thing. But like teaching behavior, I feel like is a little more complex. Yeah. Yeah. I totally get that. Yeah.
00:14:04
Speaker
Right now my biggest tool is distraction. And like I said, Alice is very task oriented right now. So I'm having her just help with, which sounds like I'm putting her to work, but truly I'm having her, I'm like, I have to do the laundry. Let's load the laundry. And she loves to put clothes into a hamper and take them out of the hamper and help me.
00:14:30
Speaker
I'll literally hand her her little plates when I'm unloading the dish like stuff that can't be broken or isn't dangerous. I'll hand that to her and she'll carry it over to her little drawer and she likes to like to help with that stuff. And now that's just my go to tap. My go to thing is like, okay, what can I, even if I, if I need to distract her for five minutes, I will literally hand her
00:14:52
Speaker
whatever is around me. Like, like if I were sitting here and I had this pencil case, I would be like, can you go take this to daddy? Go take it to daddy. And I would hand her this and she would go take it. Daddy would give me two minutes. Like, yeah, that's and then she'd bring it to daddy and Vinny would be like, what the fuck is this? Like, why do I need this? But I don't know. Like I you're right. Like she's not necessarily learning behavior. It's just distraction.
00:15:20
Speaker
Yeah. Like I can encourage good stuff. I feel like that's easier. Like when he's doing good stuff and I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's awesome. Like that's great. But then when you're telling them they're doing the wrong thing, that just feels so hard. They get so upset. Yeah. And I still don't know like exactly when and how you can start getting them to change their
00:15:48
Speaker
I don't even want to call it bad behavior because it's like he's a toddler learning. It's not like he's doing anything malicious at this point, but like hitting somebody isn't allowed. So like, yeah. Well, I was going to say this stuff about having her like help around the house is like what I've read is like the best thing you can do because kids love feeling like they're like part of the squad and like part of the team. And if you give them purpose by being like, you're helping mommy do this, they're like,
00:16:16
Speaker
I'm amazing. I'm part of this team. So that's amazing. That's awesome. Yay. I also read, I think it was Freckled Foodie or whatever, Cameron Oaks, Rogers. Do you know who that is? She's like a creator, podcaster, a mom. She's also expecting her second child, but I follow her. She's a great follow. And she talked about her son, I think is a little over two and how
00:16:45
Speaker
they have started to include him in all of the house chores so that he doesn't grow up just thinking things magically happen and that things just like get done without him doing them. So that was like very an intentional choice from them to include him in household chores like from as early as two. And so I like that too because I don't want her to grow up thinking that like
00:17:11
Speaker
Especially for boys. This reminds me, I was literally telling my mother-in-law this story of when we finally moved into the house together a sophomore year and I came to you and I was like, Candace, there's like a ring around my toilet. And you were like, well, have you cleaned it? And I was like,
00:17:31
Speaker
What do you mean? I had no idea I had to clean my toilet. Yeah, Whitney had never cleaned a toilet. I had never cleaned a toilet in my life, which sounds so dumb and like, hello, like, what do you expect? But like.
00:17:49
Speaker
freshman year, like you live in the dorm, I didn't have to do that. And then sophomore year, I literally was like, Candace, I think something's wrong with my toilet. Like there's a ring around it. It's gross. And she was like, bruh, you need to get a brush and get to scrubbing. And remember, I almost vomited. I was so gross. I was like, girl, get it together. Oh my God.
00:18:10
Speaker
Whitney, you're so sweet and have a great personality because I would have been like, what the fuck? I'm sure Candace was. I'm sure she was like, I'm not going to lie. There was definitely like a, oh, wow. Like you really were, you grew up very privileged that you never had to clean a toilet.
00:18:31
Speaker
Oh, it's so embarrassing. But yeah, I'm like, oh, we should. So you're going to teach Graydon how to clean a toilet at like 11, 12, something like that. Right. Like I have to. He has to know that that that's a thing because. Wow. Yeah, I did not.
00:18:47
Speaker
Oh, Lord. That is so funny. All
Evolving Friendships Post-Children
00:18:50
Speaker
right. Well, I feel like our intro has not has does not have anything to do with our topic today, but that's OK. That's how this how this pod works and the and the host chat in the beginning. But today's episode, we are going to talk about friendships, specifically friendships with I feel like our pre baby friends.
00:19:10
Speaker
and maybe those friendships where you're in a different stage of life than your pre-baby friends, your friends from college, or your childhood friends, and just navigating those friendships with those people who don't have kids. I want to say one thing that I feel like I've learned just because I still have a ton of friends that don't have kids. Some of them are from work, some are from college.
00:19:39
Speaker
And I'm still very close with them. I just don't see them as much. But I will say that I feel like when you're seeing their Instagram or I don't know, you're hearing their stories. They're still so on the go. They're traveling. They're still getting to do what you used to get to do. And it can feel so like
00:19:59
Speaker
Oh my God, I miss that so much. But maybe on the flip side, you started a family and they're like anxious. Like, Oh my God, I haven't even started a family yet. Like I feel so behind. It's like, I feel like everyone just feels, it feels the same way. It's just in different motions of life. Yeah. There's like two sides of the coin.
00:20:21
Speaker
Yeah. And society can just make you feel isolated, but really we're all feeling the same thing. We're just in different stages, like you said. So I feel like that's just the one part I tried to remember. Like when my friends come over that don't have kids and they're like, Oh my God, like your child's standing on a table. Like, is he going to bust his lip open or something? I'm like, ah, that's normal. And I'm like, I get a little embarrassed because they're not used to how wild like a kid can be or like crying and they're like,
00:20:50
Speaker
They feel like they're overstepping a boundary like, oh, should we leave? And I'm like, no, please don't leave. And it makes me feel bad that they're not used to it. So it's just like I want this episode to be, if anyone's out there listening that doesn't have kids and maybe planning, maybe we can get a better understanding of how to make each other feel more comfortable.
00:21:12
Speaker
Being around each other now. Yeah Well, I was just gonna say I think that there are so many layers to this in that Depending on the person there are so many like facets of that person that will that will dictate how they react to You having kids or to being around kids in general? Like did they grow up with little brothers or sisters? Did they do they have lots of interaction with children currently like
00:21:42
Speaker
Or or even just like which phase of their life are they in like are they in a serious relationship that maybe they're like close to being here and they're like longing for engagement or whatever or maybe they're like single living it up traveling to Ibiza and like going to yacht week you know what I mean like all of those people are going to react differently
00:22:04
Speaker
and also approach friendship a lot differently. Something that is really meaningful to one person may not be meaningful to another friend. Do you know what I mean? Depending on where they're at. And also us as moms, something that could really fill our cup as a friend may be hard for some of our friends to understand. You know what I mean?
00:22:30
Speaker
For sure. I think like something we talked about a lot in our community is just like friendship, feeling alone, like feeling on an island. And I think like whether you have kids or not, like when you're in your early thirties, everybody is kind of in this stage of life where it's like, okay, our twenties are over. Like we're becoming adults and.
00:22:58
Speaker
People are dropping in and out of our lives. We're switching jobs. We're moving. We're getting in marriages. We're having kids. I feel like it's really a time of flux. Our parents are getting older. There's just a lot of shit happening in your early 30s. I think whether you have kids or not, I think, Whitney, you said this, everyone can feel
00:23:20
Speaker
very alone in this phase of life. Because if you're having kids, you have friends who aren't. And if you aren't having kids, a lot of your good friends are entering marriage and kidland and suburbia. So it's like, my friendships are different now than they used to be. But I also feel like, hopefully, in your early 30s, you're becoming a little bit more self-aware, less judgmental,
00:23:50
Speaker
open to different types of conversations when you're in your twenties and you're just like, if you're not going out to like the same clubs that I want to go to, or you're not like on the same social calendar as me, like we're not friends. Obviously that makes it easier, but I think we're at least the three of us. I know we all want like a little bit more from our friendships right now. So it's really just a matter of like,
00:24:11
Speaker
asking the right questions, putting in work like you would in any relationship and trying to understand what your friend wants out of life. And hopefully they're trying to understand that from your end as well. And it may not be the same, but if you care about each other, you just really want to know regardless of what their goals are.
00:24:31
Speaker
Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. You touched on two really important parts there, I think. And one of that is about effort and putting in effort and also accepting other people's effort. And specifically that second part, I think for me, has been something I need to work on a little bit. There are friends of mine who all think, damn, I haven't seen them in a while.
00:24:56
Speaker
and they haven't reached out or maybe they have reached out a couple times but like it hasn't worked for my schedule and like I have to reciprocate that effort and just acknowledging that like hey I know you've reached out twice I'm so sorry
00:25:11
Speaker
My, my child just had a hand, foot and mouth or like whatever. And being like, can we plan a little bit further ahead? That then maybe because I feel like a lot of my friends who don't have kids, they'll be like, what are you doing next week? And I'm like, girl, my next week is too soon.
00:25:27
Speaker
Like I need a month and a half from now so I can get it on the calendar and I can mentally, like that sounds stupid, but it's true. And I think it's just, and the other thing you mentioned that is what I'm moving into here is just about communication. And like, I feel like it took me a while after having Alice to understand that my communication with my friends is going to look a little bit different.
00:25:52
Speaker
And that, that is fine. It's fine if it looks different, but I think it takes like acknowledging with friends that like, Hey, Mike, the way I communicate is different. Like maybe I cannot text you all day, every day anymore, but maybe a once a week FaceTime while I do the laundry is like easier or better for me. And it's just about communicating what works for you. And if they're a good friend and if
00:26:21
Speaker
they want to keep that relationship, which I'm sure they do. They're going to work with you and then there'll be also times where you want to visit their land. Do you want to visit single land? Do you want to visit their city? Do you know what I mean? It's nice to go there sometimes. Yes. It's hard for me to plan that. I feel like I'm meant to be at home and sometimes it's hard for me to reach out and be like,
00:26:47
Speaker
Hey, do you want to just go to dinner? Me and you, because then it's making effort. Like I'm having to schedule like, or make sure Chris is home or get a babysitter to go and do that. When it's like, sometimes I'll just wait for a birthday or, and I'm like, Oh, I have to go. It's a birthday instead of being proactive and being like, do you want to get dinner next week or this or that? Like, I feel like I could definitely be better at doing that. Mm-hmm.
00:27:13
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, it's hard when you have kids, like, I feel like I've been really lucky this summer that I've been able to like leave town twice and Andrew stayed home with TJ God love him. And I've been able to like dip back into my single girl times and like, see my old work friends from my two like major.
00:27:32
Speaker
Work companies that I was at and it was so fun and like having they weren't long trips but having that like dedicated touchpoint is so important because now it's like the follow-up is Easier and we're like holding on to that really positive like in-person interaction that we had But what I was gonna say Candice about like communication being different. I've tried to
00:28:01
Speaker
now to like just do like a drop-in phone call. People don't want to talk on the phone anymore. It's like you have to like text me like, hey, is now a good time to talk? And then it's like, well, people don't text back. People don't read their phones. So the like closest friendships that I have
00:28:21
Speaker
Well, yeah, period. Even if you live in the same town as somebody, if you can just call somebody off the calendar and there's no pressure about that conversation and you can just catch up while you do stuff, multitask, that's so supreme.
00:28:38
Speaker
I don't have that many friendships that are like that, but my friend Sarah, I was telling her the other day, because we just call each other every few days and are just like, what are you doing? Kind of like you did when you were in college and you would Skype people. I was like, I just want to tell you, I really appreciate that we can just call each other without any expectation about what that phone call is going to be like. It can be a great three-minute conversation or we can
00:29:08
Speaker
be doing the dishes together for 45 minutes. That's how we keep in touch, and that's what works for us. I only have two friends that do that, one of them being Candace.
00:29:20
Speaker
But now that I talk to Candice so much, I feel like we don't talk on the phone, but I literally talk to you all day every day, both of y'all all day every day. But then, yeah, and then one of my friends in Rhode Island, she'll randomly call me and it's like, I actually love it. I'm like, oh my God, me too. We're about to dive into what's been going on. And I mean, I should be better about that too. I'm not...
00:29:44
Speaker
I'm the problem. It's me. No. Well, that's, it's funny that you say that because literally I think one of my biggest realizations and maybe I touched on this already. I feel like I already can't remember, but one of my biggest realizations is that like.
00:30:00
Speaker
I feel like I am the problem. I need to put in more effort or I need to communicate better. I feel like when you're in the depths of motherhood, especially in the newborn phase, especially in the first six months after having a baby, you're in this selfish bubble, or at least I was. It's like all I care about is my baby, is me feeling semi-normal
00:30:25
Speaker
And it's like, I felt like I got into this phase of like, my friends aren't meeting my needs. Here's where I'm at. I can't, do you know what I mean? I felt like I was in this, but once I came out of that fog, I realized like, oh,
00:30:42
Speaker
No, like I'm there. Friendship is a two way street and I'm not doing what I need to do to keep these friendships going too. And it's so hard in motherhood to look outside of your like momhood bubble. And to me, like I think.
00:31:02
Speaker
It's funny cause Vinny and I just talked about this. We talked about each of us. We feel like it's important for our mental health and our, and our, even our relationship to have at least one like girls trip or guys trip a year. Like Vinny's has Vinny has something coming up where he like wants to go on this like fantasy football draft.
00:31:24
Speaker
week at like whatever. And I was like, you know what, go, like go. We're about to have another baby. And you know, I was able to go to New York this year and that was kind of like a girl's trip. Like I feel like it's so important, maybe even twice a year to just like get out and like have that time with friends and that in-person touch point. Like you talked about Shannon, like that will really anchor the rest of the year, truthfully.
00:31:53
Speaker
Yeah, it's so important. And also, we've alluded to this, but it's so fun to remember who you were before having a kid. That's what I was going to say. Hang out with your pre-moms friends.
00:32:15
Speaker
Something I love about friendship is there are certain friends, and you guys, I have this with you, all of my close friends, there's a layer of me that they bring out that's really, I need them to bring it out. Yeah, totally. I like the person I am with them still.
00:32:35
Speaker
I literally am thinking of all of them. And I feel so lucky that we're all still really close. Like, yeah, we might not talk all the time, but you know, those friends that you don't have to talk all the time and boom, you're right back to where you were before. But I just feel like I'm so grateful for those friends. I like the version of me. I am with them. Yes. They still make me laugh. We still have so much fun. Like some of them are still like, yeah, let's day drink instead of going out. And I'm like,
00:33:03
Speaker
Thank you, God. That is my language. Oh, my God. I am a day drink queen. I want to be in bed by nine. Yeah, like at least we're all we're at least we're all 30 and we're all feeling it. So we all have that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.
00:33:19
Speaker
But it's so important. The other thing I was going to touch on or just ask you guys is the layer of pregnancy because I feel like that does add a whole other layer of what's possible as far as meeting up with friends. I feel like when I'm not pregnant and I'm like,
00:33:38
Speaker
okay let's do a girl's dinner and we'll like go and have wine and like that's not really on the table obviously when we're pregnant so i do feel like that adds another blockage layer of like for me i feel like i especially towards the end well yeah i mean i i wasn't reaching out as much or want to do as much like i have friends
00:34:02
Speaker
that'll want to come over after they're done with work, which is like the worst time of day, honestly, for me. But I'm so desperate for like interaction with someone that I love and want to see. I usually am like, OK, come over, but be ready. Like it's a war zone after five. Like, yeah, sorry. But and I used to not care at all because we would have wine and like it just like chilled me out. And now that I can't, I'm like,
00:34:31
Speaker
Can you come in the morning when he's happy? I want you to see my child when they're at their best. That part's a little hard when you're pregnant. I feel like it is easier this time though. Last time, everyone was still party mode. Chris was still party mode because we didn't have a kid yet. I remember every weekend we were doing something and I was like, this is miserable, but now that we
00:34:59
Speaker
already have a child, we're already in like baby mode. It's like, thank God. You already have a ball and chain. You really can't get that crazy. I'm like, you are a real one for this, my guy. Thank you so much. But yeah, I'd say this time has been easier, but yeah, I think I've isolated myself just because I'm too tired.
Pregnancy and Social Life
00:35:23
Speaker
That's okay. That's where it goes back to what Candice said about communication.
00:35:29
Speaker
Two things, letting people know, look, I'm pregnant. Even if you don't have a kid, you know that that's a weird time of life. I'm just not going to be around for a while, FaceTime me.
00:35:44
Speaker
whatever, I'm going through something. Everyone goes through stuff, and if they're a good friend, they'll understand. Second is, oh, communicating positively. I think I was listening to the Happiness Project podcast, and they were doing an episode about Plutonic relationships, and how it's hard for us to share positive feelings with our Plutonic friends, even though with our husbands, we're like,
00:36:14
Speaker
Okay, I need to make sure I check in and like tell them how much I appreciate them. And you're like kind of always like in sync with them. Obviously you live with them and your life is intertwined. But they were saying with plutonic friendships, it's equally as important to be like specific and call out like why you love them and make sure you tell them you love them.
00:36:34
Speaker
and communicate those positive feelings. And I feel like I forget to do that. But whenever I do, like my friend Corinne popped into my mind because I was watching Daisy Jones in the six. I finally finished it. I have never seen it. I need to. I know. I know.
00:36:57
Speaker
But just the little stuff, I was like, Corinne, you have the coolest clothes and fashion and such a fun vibe about you. I've been watching this show and it reminds me of you. I haven't talked to Corinne in a few weeks, but just letting her know that I watched something and it made me think of her in a positive way and made me miss her.
00:37:20
Speaker
I feel like we had like a nice little interaction because of it. And I feel like sprinkling those little things in and just like, if someone pops into your brain, just like, let them know, you know, how nice it be to receive that note. My best friend, Elaine, inspiring me right now. I feel like I'm going to call someone today. Yeah. My best friend Elena always said, like, if you are feeling something, say it. If it's going to make that person's day.
00:37:46
Speaker
If you just want to like talk to them, just do it. Like, don't even think twice about it. Like, I don't know. It was always so they were very positive energy. I just I love them. Yes, to death.
00:38:00
Speaker
but I always try and remember that and I feel like just, it's a good way to live your life, for sure. It's funny because I feel like I live that in person. I know I love, I mean, who doesn't love a compliment? But like, if I'm out and about and even it's like, oh my, if someone's like, oh my God, I love your nails or your hair looks great or I love your- Your eyes look like honey. Thank you, Whit. She said that to me before we started recording. It was very sweet.
00:38:27
Speaker
And so I know that that can change my day. So if I ever see someone and I see something about them, I will just say it because that's never going to be received poorly. But I think you're right, Shannon. I feel like I could do that more with my friends that would just let them know, hey, I'm thinking about you and I miss you. Let's all do that today. Let's send a text to somebody and make it one of our friends that doesn't have kids.
00:38:58
Speaker
Yeah, that's a good idea. And, you know, you always see if you ever see those lists like, I don't know, I get served a lot of this content on TikTok and Instagram. It's like here are five things that will make your day better or feel make you feel better and like always like reaching out to someone you haven't talked to in a while and just sending them a quick text or a quick call is always on those lists. And it is there for a reason. Like it always does make you feel better.
00:39:26
Speaker
So why is it hard though? You know, like why why is it hard? It's because I guess life is like we're grinding. We're grinding. Yeah. Yeah. Because we are here grinding. The other thing I was going to say, I feel like we're kind of off this topic now, but I'm going to bring it back for two seconds to talk about pregnancy and like going out with friends when you're pregnant. The other layer to this that like truly does actually hinder me is
00:39:54
Speaker
which sounds so freaking stupid, but it's like, what am I going to wear? Like I have nothing cute to wear. I know I'm not going to look cute. I feel uncomfortable in my body. Like I don't really want to go to a restaurant and look uncomfortable and feel uncomfortable when like you're going to show up in a cute ass outfit and look like the hottest you've ever looked. Like my friends who don't have babies. You know what I mean? Like I'm just like, God, I feel like, I feel like Shrek sitting at this table right now.
00:40:24
Speaker
You know? Yes. I mean, that'll keep you going out when I'm not pregnant. Like when you're on your period and you're like, I don't want to do my hair. Like there's nothing I could do that would make this situation okay to be in public. Yeah, that's a hard one. I have three dresses on rotation right now and I had to go to the office like two weeks in a row and I'm like,
00:40:49
Speaker
I'm gonna be rewearing what I just wore like hey everybody But I only have like one dress that I feel good in like y'all are probably gonna see it after I give birth because I'm just gonna be wearing it for like Days and days and days, but I actually just
00:41:06
Speaker
Yeah. Someone in my mom group was like, old Navy's having a huge sale. I'm like, I got to go this weekend. I got to go. I got to get some like easy cotton dresses that I can just like throw on. Yeah. Because let me tell you all this bump is growing at a record. Record. Wait. Wait. Record rate. Well, and wait.
00:41:27
Speaker
I've been at the lake for two weeks, so I have been wearing the same clothes for two weeks. I've grown out of my pants in the past two weeks. I need to get home and get to Amazon deliveries again because I have no pants. That's so funny.
00:41:43
Speaker
Yeah, we have. Yeah, we have Alice is going to Paw Patrol Live with Gigi and Doc on Saturday. So I have the whole day fire taking her. Yeah, they're taking her to lunch and taking her to Paw Patrol Live and keeping her the whole day. So I have all day Saturday and Vinnie and I were talking about what we want to do. He ended up getting invited to go scalloping. So he is going scalloping. But I know. But I'm going to bring home some scallop.
00:42:12
Speaker
He is so freaking good. But anyways, one of the things that was on my list is to go get the maternity clothes bin out of our storage unit because it's time. It is time. It's time speaking of TikTok sounds. That always reminds me of Rafiki from Lion King. It is time. Yeah, always. Always. Isn't it?
00:42:40
Speaker
I watch that movie so much, I don't even know. I just feel like it's a part of my vocabulary at this point. Yeah. Well, I feel like this conversation is a topic that we will revisit again, probably.
Navigating Friendships with Non-Parents
00:42:55
Speaker
If you are a listener who doesn't have a kid, I know there's probably not that many of them, but if you are a listener who doesn't have a kid,
00:43:04
Speaker
We would love to hear from you. Send us a DM or shoot us a message and just let us know something that you've learned from your side of the coin of dealing with friendships with friends who do have kids or navigating that. Or even if you are a mom and you have experienced
00:43:24
Speaker
a friendship that like something you've done to help navigate those, we'd love to hear it. We love to hear from all of you guys, whether that's in the Facebook group or sending us a message, which by the way, the Facebook group is whooping off. So if you haven't joined it, it's whooping off. It has been such a resource for me. I've been like, if I ask one thing, people are like jumping on him. I'm buying everything everyone suggests. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. Hey, this is so helpful. Love it.
00:43:53
Speaker
It's really fun. We leave for our beach trip in exactly a month. So I'm starting to get into like, we've never really, we've been to the beach with Alice, but just for like a couple hours, we're going to be at the beach for a whole week. Yeah, I know. So I'm about to blow up that Facebook group with like all sorts of things that I need or I'm curious about. So meet me in there. If you need advice, ask me and Shannon.
00:44:20
Speaker
I will, for sure. Obviously, always. This is really good. I feel like we should do a challenge where it's like text three friends, stuff you love about them. I'm going to tell them how much I appreciate them because I really do and that I want to see them.
00:44:40
Speaker
Well, I'm really glad I get to see you guys every week at least. Oh, highlight of my week. Truly. We love our babies and we love our friends. We love our lives. Name those butterflies. All the good things.
00:44:58
Speaker
friend show.